Our website is made possible by displaying online advertisements to our visitors.
Please consider supporting us by disabling your ad blocker.





  
26 Reviews Found

Review #1, by alicia and anne Chapter 2

22nd May 2016:
I have to agree that the youngest sibling is like that, as the youngest sibling I can say this :D

Although Hugo sounds like a menace! I couldn't stop laughing at the fact that she set his hair on fire hahaha.

I can't believe Hugo done that! He's so mean! I'm glad that I wasn't like that at all and that I was a nice sister.
And Dom and albus weren't being nice either :( poor Rose!

I hope she gets revenge on them all! I also hope that she tells Teddy how she feels just to rub Dom's face in it for burning the letter!

Can't wait to read more! :D can't wait to see how this situation develops. I think that Hugo will end up seriously maimed.

 Report Review

Review #2, by LadyL8 Chapter 7

20th December 2015:
Hello Meg and Em.

I知 sorry for taking so long to get here. I致e had the worst three months of my life. My exam was moved forward, I got sick with a throat infection, my father was hospitalized and had to go through three operations and now I知 sick again with the flu. But better late than never, right? :)

Okay, so I値l be doing something here to make sure I get the results up quickly. While you will get a review on every chapter regardless of the results of the challenge (that was one of my promises after all - a review on every chapter), I will only review the last chapter now. I have read every chapter and will now give you a review that basically sums up my opinion of the whole thing. And I will leave the review after the categories in the judging point system. Also, when you read this, the results should already be up (I知 posting it right after I post this), and I just want to say congratulations guys! I really loved the story! :)

I値l start with 吐irst impression, one of the new categories that give very little points, but help me a little. I love the banner, and I think it really helps draw the readers in. But it痴 not just the banner - the title and summary are both good, and it really makes me want to read the story, so good job with that. And I can tell just from that, that it痴 going to be a really funny story. I have three sisters myself, and recently got two stepsiblings as well, so I feel like I値l be able to relate to this a lot.

I have to applaud you for several things. First of all the idea. I love that you guys have written something completely different from all of the other entries, and it gives you a high score in creativity. As you guys might know, I love Next Gen-stories, and there's actually just two (you guys included) that have written in that era. And it痴 just great that you致e taken the family/friendship theme, and actually included a little of both. You show the great things about family, but also that family, and particularly siblings, can be the most annoying people in the world... sometimes. They池e the ones that get on your nerves the most, but also the ones you love the most. And then you see that bonding over siblings can lead to you could say a partnership, but I like to think of Rose and Teulia as friends-in-the-making. It痴 a clever idea, and I don稚 think I致e seen anything quite like on HPFF. So yeah, I love the idea!

Second of all I love the dialogue and characterisation. I致e always felt like you two are excellent at creating these recognizable voices; you don稚 need to be told who痴 speaking, cause you can tell by the line or just the wording. It痴 a difficult thing to do, but you池e both really good at it. I love that we see Teulia, who痴 the outsider type of girl, bookish, quiet and keeps to herself, together with Rose, who痴 more social (perhaps because she has to be in the family she痴 born into), loud and outspoken. It痴 a really interesting contrast, but at the same time we see that they池e not really that different either. They both have disagreeable siblings, and that痴 what makes them bond in the first place. And it痴 really believable and, if you ask me, perfectly done.

And then thirdly, I have to applaud you for your teamwork. You guys, more than anyone else that have participated in the challenge, have shown true teamwork. You致e written far more than anyone else have, and you can just tell by the story alone that you致e enjoyed working together. You have similar writing styles, and your writing really blends together perfectly. And you池e both hilarious when you write on your own, but even more so when you write together. I have truly had a blast reading this, and you致e made me laugh several times (I値l get more into detail about this when I leave the other six reviews). I hope you continue to write it, because it値l get a favourite from me and I値l definitely do my best to continue to follow it, because I壇 love to see the unbearable siblings get paired together :P

Sorry again for the long wait. I hope you can forgive. Now I just want to finish this by saying thank you for participating in the challenge. I知 honored you guys even considered it, and even more that you actually wrote an entry. Congratulations guys! I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and happy new year!

Lots of Love

Lotte

 Report Review

Review #3, by ScorpiusRose17 Chapter 4

16th September 2015:
Hi there!

I am here with another review!

I really liked this chapter as much as the last one! You do a great job at capturing the cattiness of females. I truly just wanted to see Rose punch Parkinson in the nose! It is really something I can relate to from when I was in school.

I am curious about Lee. She seems... different, but someone who Rose could really lean on for support if given the chance. There has got to be more going on than what meets the eye here between the two of them and I am not exactly sure what it is, but it makes me really curious to find out.

Oh Al... he is quite the character, but I am super happy that he actually took the time to listen and sort of apologize to Rose. I am just happy that Rose decided to not put all of her eggs in one basket about Teddy. I really feel bad for her that her family went as mental as they did over her liking him. I get why they did, but it just also feels wrong to me that they did.

Hopefully she will return the favor and hopefully readers will find out if anything develops between her and Teddy.

Keep up the awesome job!! :)

-Jenn

 Report Review

Review #4, by ScorpiusRose17 Chapter 2

16th September 2015:
Hi!

I am here with another review for you!

I really enjoyed this although I am angry at Hugo, Dom and Al. I felt awful for Rose at the way they acted. I fully understand their anger, but holy cow Hugo is a pain for doing this to his sister.

Rose seems like a loner in this chapter. I don't know if that was the intent or not, but it works.

I love the way you capture the relationship between siblings. It is something anyone with an older, younger or large family full of cousins can understand and relate too. I found myself thinking of my sibling as I read this and while we aren't to this extent towards one another, we've had some pretty epic rows! :)

I really look forward to reading on to see what else is going to happen. Poor Rose... I hope she gets some payback!

Keep up the awesome job writing! :)

-Jenn

 Report Review

Review #5, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 5

31st August 2015:
Ohmygosh Professor Nott is in the C.I.--WITH HIS MAN BUN!!!

Hey hey! I'm finally here for our last review swap! I'm so sorry that it's so late. I don't know if I mentioned it to you, but I had some RL reasons I was so behind. But my sincerest apologies for the wait. I've really enjoyed reading this story, and I'll be looking forward to the next chapter! Teulia and Rose are fun characters to read, and I'm excited to see what scheme they'll cook up to take down the Sucktastic Siblings!


Becca had asked me if I was sad. If she knew me any better she would know that I had long since given that up.
--this makes me sad for her, but I think it is an excellent explanation of her character. I think she is still sad, but she tries to cover it up with anger and disdain.

泥idn稚 you used to date Pansy Parkinson? How痴 that for your judgement痴 reputation? Rose wrinkled her nose.

Professor Nott痴 head hung; in shame, presumably.

--oh. my gracious. That was sooo funny! :D


Assessment of his reaction to item 41 and 42: seemingly positive.

Facial expression given: smirk of smirks.

Conclusion: I was getting away with this.

--Brilliant! This made me smile so much. Oh, the sass!

Professor Nott really is a good sort. It's nice to see a positively-portrayed Slytherin from the books. And he seems genuinely concerned about Teulia, but he's not just one of those authority figures that's such a bleeding heart they make you feel like A Cause. He seems very real, and he has a snarky side, and he's willing to be teased a bit by his students. And I just like him a lot!

I really like how even though Teulia is standoffish, she's obviously sort of sniffing around, side-eyeing the idea of having a friend, cautiously allowing it to approach.



CC: Mostly it's just the tense switches. I can't remember what I said about them before, but just to explain--it's not that they're a huge deal, but it does jar me out of the moment, a bit, when I'm reading, and the tense keeps switching from past to present. I think keeping it consistent will help keep the story smooth and readable. I'm pointing them all out to make it easier for you if you decide you do want to adjust them, since it might be harder to find them, combing through the story yourself for, no doubt, the millionth time. But it's a great story! I just really want to stress that, since my CC section is often kinda chunky.

Quddiotic
--excellent adjective. Missing the first i, though.

dependent-thinking simpletons that they are
--tense switch, are = were

It could be worse, they could be the snobs of mother痴 dinner parties where they do this while I am turned away,
--this should be "could have been" and "did this", "while I was"

I want to be alone.
--tense switch.

What are her motives?
--tense switch (hereafter abbreviated as "t.s.")

Still, I suppose I could be grateful. After all, someone who recognises Becca痴 mind as 双ut of order is someone one step closer in being classified by myself as 叢retty alright.
--t.s. suppose = supposed, recognises = recognised, is = was.

but he isn稚 heartless.
--t.s., isn't = wasn't

Of course by that time, Professor Nott dispersed the crowd.
--it might be better to say "had dispersed"

It will not be the first time;
--this should be "It was not the first time," I think, since the first time has, seemingly, long since passed.

This girl needs a lesson
--t.s., needs = needed

"No, then let's be on with it."
--it seems like maybe this should be, "No? Then let's be on with it."

to get myself an apartment.
--I don't know if you want Britpicking. I'm throwing this in, just in case you do, but it's no big deal. However, Teuila would probably call an apartment a flat.

with a life預nd quite possibly an attitude to it様ike mine excitement wasn't something I experienced very often.
--this sentence was a little confusing. I wasn't totally sure what you meant, but I'm guessing she's admitting that it's not just her life, it's her attitude? Some restructuring might clarify, though. Maybe, "with a life like mine--and, if I was being honest, an attitude like mine--excitement wasn't something I experienced very often." Or something.


Thank you so much for the review swap. It's really been delightful! :D I think this story is going places, and you've definitely got the humor down pat. It's got engaging characters, hateful villains, and plenty o' snark. What's not to love? In my mind, that's a recipe for success. Congrats on your excellent collab. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next update!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #6, by Carry on with your Knitting Chapter 1

29th August 2015:
Hey! :)
I'm here for the review swap! :) I've never really read next generation song thought I'd give this one a go! (Plus I spotted joe dempsie in the banner ♥ )

I really enjoyed reading this! :) The main characters was brilliant, I really connected with her because she has a kind of 'I can't be bothered with people' attitude and I get like that a lot :') I thought it was great the way you fleetingly mentioned other characters because it gave a sense that she really doesn't care for them, but also introduced them into the story!

I though the relationship you described with her sister was spot on and really reflected how a lot of sibling relationships are; I know my little sister can annoy me like that sometimes! I adored the line 'she just a little shit,' I literally laughed out loud! :')

Oh my goodness I loved the 'Quiddiot' thing, that is pure brilliance!

This story has a really cool played back feel which is perfect for it, after all with Next Gen there's no underline threat of Voldemort, so it must have been like a normal school for them (well as normal and Hogwarts could be...) it's really great!

Overall I loved it and will definitely be reading the rest! :)

Katie :)

ps are the professors you mentioned Dean Thomas and Theodore Nott? Because that's a great touch!

 Report Review

Review #7, by carry on with your knitting Chapter 1

28th August 2015:
Hey! :)
I'm here for the review swap! :) I've never really read next generation song thought I'd give this one a go! (Plus I spotted joe dempsie in the banner

 Report Review

Review #8, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 4

28th August 2015:
Hey there, guys! Penny here (finally!) with our review swap! I finished with my interview stuff, so I am here at last! Thanks for being so understanding!

Heehee, Rose is so sassy! I like it! I think that once she and Teuila really talk, they'll enjoy each other's snark. Teuila definitely seems a bit drier, but I think they could totally be friends. They seem like characters who could play well off each others. And possibly be evil geniuses, if they combined their powers! I have high hopes for future schemes.

I was so proud of Rose. She's had SUCH a crappy day, and still she's totally willing to go on the offensive for someone she doesn't really know or particularly like. There's some Gryffindor for you right there!

Professor Nott's man bun continues to be a star of the show! :) Heehee!

The poor thing looks like she could use a lesson in b*ology.
--this was a good line!

I'm glad that Albus is on Rose's side for this, or on her side enough. It's good to know her whole family won't be against her. I just really feel for her. Admittedly, she did not handle it...the best. But it would be such a hard situation to be in! I'm glad she has someone who's there for her.

I feel like this story is heading really good places. The chapters are snappy and very readable. I could just gobble them up. I'm really liking the main characters and excited to see what's going to happen next!


CC: To be clear, I know this looks like a big chunk of CC. But this is a good-quality fic. I'm really picky, I know, but I'm far pickier on fics that I really like, because I want them to have the maximum opportunity to sparkle! So, here goes:

I couldn't even look at the tosspot, as he stood leaning against the wall waiting to go into class,
--I don't think you need that first comma

which it seems to have done. Parkinson was the pain-in-the-a*** she was speaking about! Poor Lee... That girl is a nightmare.
--This is another moment where you switch from past to present. This would work if Rose's internal monologues/narration were also in present, but the vast majority of the story is in past, so these sections kinda stand out.

whether if it was
--it should be either "whether" or "if"

She stood for a moment and just left it there, looking straight ahead, scowling.
--this part confused me a little because I couldn't tell what you meant by "left it there"--whether she had paused for a moment and walked away, or if she was just frozen, not bending to pick it up, nor moving forward. One possible clarification would be "She stood perfectly still and left her bag to lay there on the floor. She froze, looking straight ahead, scowling." Or something like that? I don't know. It could just be me.

Hmm. So I'm going to commit a double murder today.
--tense switch

I still could appreciate a pretty face when I see one
--"when I see" = tense switch

Does Lee have a sense of humor? Because I don't think there are any mechanics of any kind in that girl's mind.
-- "don't think" = tense switch. Also, what does she mean by saying there aren't "any mechanics of any kind" in Lee's mind? Does she think she's stupid? Because it seems quite obvious just from their Potions class that that isn't the case.

"I have some experience with the t***"
--the way this is followed by "Hugo, my brother," I clarified. doesn't totally make sense. The two sentences don't really line up. Maybe, "I have some experience with t* like her," or something similar?

"They seem one in the same."
--technically, the saying is "one and the same". It might not really matter, because lots of people think it's the other, but I thought I'd let you know, either way.

She's not a talker, this one. I am definitely not used to that. With my family and friends, it's a fight just trying to complete a sentence.
--tense switch

I've had a horrible day so far, and she just reminded me that I have a detention
--tense switch

Drats.
--Drat? or Rats?

I started pulling apart at the grass
--Maybe "pulling at the grass" or "pulling apart blades of grass"?

he is the only person I let get away with that. Although, that doesn't stop me from scowling when he does it.
--tense switch

If Teddy happens to feel the same way
--tense switch

so I could prolong detention.
--"prolong" isn't quite the right word here. That would be making detention last longer. Maybe, "so I could put off going to detention."

I stood up and mumbled a goodbye to my cousins and friends, which was partially answered, partly ignored and left to go begin serving my unnecessary sentence.
--I think this sentence might be easier to read if you added a comma before "and left"


Okay, so like I said, I know it looks like a lot, but it's mostly minor stuff that just makes a difference in terms of how smoothly it all reads. The headspace you've created for your characters, who are funny and clever and enjoyable! I'm having a great time reading about them!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #9, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 3

22nd August 2015:
Hey there! Penny here with review 3/3 of our review swap!

(well, I'm bringing it back. I had to ask one of the validators to delete it briefly because I accidentally submitted it without bleeping out one of the disallowed words from the quotes. So if you're wondering why your review disappeared, that's why! All better now, though.)

I've gotta say, I really like both Rose and Teuila's POV's. Teuila's dry take on everything around her cracks me up. She's fun to listen to, even if she is a bit gloomy.

Ohmygosh. "Man bun" *cries laughing* Professor Nott has a man bun. I like Rose even more now. I feel no fellow feeling with Hugo whatsoever, but I have to say that angry Rose is hilarious.

I like how level-headed Teuila is. You don't just say that she has that quality--you show it. It becomes quite clear in their interaction with Professor Nott that Teuila is capable of keeping her cool and coming up with a solution, even when things aren't going her way.

Plus, I love how she has Hugo pegged from the moment he walks in the room. He is the worst, and Teuila doesn't even know him, but she can tell.

And even though they are clearly on the opposite side of several spectrums, you end the chapter with Rose and Teuila having a bit of an understanding--a moment of truce. I like that Teuila isn't just some angry, anti-social girl with a chip on her shoulder and a hatred of everyone. She's an angry, anti-social girl with a chip on her shoulder and a hatred of most people, but she's willing to look past the surface of someone she dislikes when she sees that they do, in fact, have something important in common.

I'm glad that they ended on good terms, and I hope they're planning to cook something up. I'm not much of a revenge person--I don't believe in it, generally--but in fiction, and particularly in this case, I say GO FOR IT!


CC:

So, the number one thing to watch out for seems to be the fact that, when you're describing what Teuila is doing, you tend to fall into present tense, while everyone else is pretty much always in past.

Weasley took out her anger on picking mint leaves from their stems using more force than necessary.
--This should probably either be, "Weasley took out her anger on the mint leaves, using far more force than necessary to pick them from their stems." Or "Weasley worked out her anger by picking mint leaves from their stems using more force than necessary."

for our Volubilis Potions prep.
--I think it should maybe be "Potion's"

Half way through the potion and Weasley痴 grumbling had subsided as did my irritation.
--"Half way" should be one word "halfway". And I would suggest replacing "did" with "had" so that the end of your sentence matches up. It might also be good to eliminate "and" and to throw in a comma. So, "Halfway through the potion Weasley's grumbling had subsided, as had my irritation."

Everyone else had started to bottle their potions. I huff. I would already be done if I worked alone.
--"I huff" switches suddenly into present. It should be "I huffed".

We were in the process of turning towards each other for a scowl when the cauldron burped, then threw up容xploded. . . with a comical tenor note that I would appreciate擁nternally, of course, had it not been for my overwhelming rage at Rose Weasley ruining my Potion.
--This is a really funny sentence! I think the humor might show to a little more advantage with a bit of restructuring, though. And "appreciate" slips into present. It should be "appreciated". One possibility would be:
"We were in the process of turning towards each other for a scowl when the cauldron gurgled, burped容xploded謡ith a comical tenor note that I would have appreciated (internally, of course) had it not been for overwhelming rage at Rose Weasley ruining my potion."

With that matter settled, I work quickly,
--"work" = "worked"

With figurative steel in my voice I answer, 的致e just moved on. As I have had to with my father, with my mother, and with my sister. I make a point to clean further away from her to signal that our conversation was over.
--"answer" = "answered"; "make" = "made"

I briefly wondered the effectiveness of this tactic if I applied it to my Becca Issue.
--"wondered the effectiveness" doesn't quite match up. Maybe "pondered the effectiveness"?

Okay, so maybe Weasley and I have more in common than caring about grades: we both have nasty * as siblings.
--"have", in both cases, should be "had".

I nod, surprised that she bothered with the parting words. 添es.
-- "nod" = "nodded"


Thanks for the swap! This is a fun story. I'm glad I finally got the chance to read some of it, and I hope to be back soon to read more. I've really enjoyed the beginning, and it sounds like there are plenty of interesting shenanigans to come!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #10, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 2

21st August 2015:
Penny here, for review 2/3 of our swap!


Oh my gosh, I hate him.

I mean, not quite hate. Maybe one step down from hate.

But it's a small step. Really, really tiny.

I feel so bad for Rose. Maybe it wasn't right to go after Teddy, but she can't help her feelings. Plus, no one ever had proof that she was going to send it. She could conceivably have just been writing the letter to get it out of her system (that would have been my argument if I were her, but then, I'm a Slytherin). Honestly, though, that is so far beyond the bounds of a prank or a bit of fun. Hugo is a right little prat, and in my book he deserves what's coming to him. Whatever that is.

This was a good chapter. The escalating emotions are really well done. Like, when it starts out, Hugo just sounds a bit annoying. Then he sounds really kind of awful. And then the reader is just in a fury because THAT IS IT! THAT IS IT! HE IS THE WORST SIBLING EVER AND HE MUST PAY!!!

So, yeah. Really felt the connection to the character's emotional state there. Wow. I don't remember being that infuriated over fiction in a while. That was well done.

Highlight reel:
"I-I," I swallowed and looked around, almost hoping someone would see my distress and throw me the correct words to make it all better.
--this line stood out to me as a particularly good one


CC:

My dear brother, well he is not only the youngest member of my portion of the Weasleys,
--I could be wrong, but I think there ought to be another comma behind "well".

I'll never forget it, he actually looked at me, from over Grandma Molly's shoulder and stuck his tongue out at me.
--I don't think you need that comma before "from"

I was screwing up. I was screwing up badly, I know.
--"know" should be "knew"

The one I know Hugo stole from me early in the morning.
-- "know" should be "knew"


Good chapter!

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #11, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 1

21st August 2015:
Well, well, well. Pansy couldn't quite hack it at family life. There's a shocker. Not that plenty of people don't get divorced for understandable reasons. But Pansy? Yeah, a healthy marriage requires some level of selflessness. She never had a chance.

Man, do I pity her children.

Ugh. Her sister does sound especially irksome. I would not want to deal with that. No wonder she's going to want to get even.

I love that we've got some diversity here! And a Slytherin OC MC! Or as one of the MCs, rather! Whoo-hoo!

I'm already inclined to like Teuila (how do you pronounce her name, by the way?). She's sassy. And while isolating yourself from all other members of society is maybe not the healthiest way to go, I can appreciate the urge to do so sometimes.

Quiddiiots = inspired. That really sealed the deal on me liking Teuila.

Highlight reel: It is extremely difficult this generation to find a social circle excluding a Potter or a Weasley. Mine is the rare exception. Mine is a circle of one. So, more like a dot, then.

Heehee. Loving her dry sense of humor!

CC:

So, as a rule, I always try to give CC. I find it really helpful, because it makes my editing process go much faster when people point things out for me. But all my suggestions are just that--suggestions. I don't always know best. But here are my thoughts, in case they can be helpful!

it's lack of grand dinner parties.
--"it's" should be "its"

Amanaki Lee, as kind as I remembered him and as thoughtful his letters, infuriated me.
--This sentence structure gets a little confusing. It seems like its missing some words. Maybe something along the lines of, "Amanaki Lee, as kind as I remembered him being and as thoughtful as his letters were, infuriated me."

She complains every single time mother asks her to contribute to common household duties. Mother played favourites. Becca was her favourite and even more so when Becca decided to add 善arkinson to her name. Naturally, the household duties she was tasked with were handed over to me.
--In a few sections within this chapter, the tenses don't quite seem to match up. I'd suggest avoiding, as much as possible, switching tenses within the same paragraph. So here, the easy fix would be either to change the first sentence to: "She complained every single time Mother asked her to contribute to household duties." OR to change the second sentence to, "Becca has always been her favorite, especially since Becca decided to add 'Parkinson' to her name." Also, in this case, "mother" ought to be capitalized.

Sometimes I don稚 know whether I was more annoyed by her voice or what she said.
--The tenses in this sentence don't match. It should either be, "Sometimes I don't know whether I am more annoyed by her voice or by what she's said," or "Sometimes I didn't know whether I was more annoyed by her voice or by what she said."

**Most of your chapter seems to be in past tense, so you might want to consider going through and switching all the present tense moments--after the opening with Pansy--into past, just for continuity's sake.

There痴 something about Quiddiots that ruin the air for me.
--"ruin" should be "ruins", since it corresponds to the word "something" rather than the word "Quiddiots."

Now outside the castle, I settle down again, lying belly-down on the grass and open my book.
--This sentence doesn't quite match up. I think it should either be, "Now outside the castle, I settle down again, lying belly-down on the grass and opening my book," or "Now outside the castle, I settle down again, lying belly-down on the grass, and open my book."


Overall, this is a very solid beginning. It gives us a glimpse into the mind of a really interesting OC, and it leaves us wondering...will she get along with Rose?

I suppose I'll have to read on to find out ;)

--Penny

 Report Review

Review #12, by fwoopersong8 Chapter 4

16th August 2015:
Oh my gosh...
I almost cried tears of anger at this story. Hugo and Becca are such TWITS! :'( Especially at Rose's first POV chapter because I have a special bear that I've always had and if Mom had made me give him to one of my many younger siblings, I would have cried. A lot.
This story is very emotionally binding. If there had been more chapters I would have read probably until the end. The only criticism I have is the inevitable confusion when 1st person past narrative meets present events -- where do you switch tenses? Where does it stay in past? However, you've done a really good job handling this tense so far. May I also say that you're doing a phenomenal job keeping the two narratives unique and keeping up a distinct difference in personality between the two girls, despite jumping between their PoVs.
Anyway, great job! I haven't read a fanfic that made me that aggravated before. 10/10 stars. :)
~fwoopersong8
p.s. Tell Lee to stand up for herself and Rose to write that letter anyway.

 Report Review

Review #13, by Roisin Chapter 3

12th August 2015:
NO, last chapter! AH! YOU GUYS MUST UPDATE. I'm absolutely loving it!

What's brilliant here is that while the story is so very FUNNY and SILLY and WILD, there's still a control over the writing that let's it shine. Like, it's not just the humor that's great, the mechanics of the writing are also tight and well executed. Very well done!

I also think that Teuila's perspective on Rose, and reason for reconsidering, were very convincingly done. And as I've said before, the language and turns of phrase troughout are just fantastic!

So yeah, I adore this. FAVORITED.

xoxo
Roisin

 Report Review

Review #14, by Roisin Chapter 2

12th August 2015:
OK, so THIS will be my review for the RvG Review Battle :)

Having both of your guys' such distinct voices makes this truly exciting and engaging to read. I already love what you're doing with Rose. Like she's definitely clever like her mum, but you can already see that she also takes after her father in the Sense of Humor department. I really like that blend, and she's turning out to be just as engaging a narrator as Teuila.

Rose's memories of her childhood frustrations are fantastic. Like, the child-perspective is really well handled here. The intense injustice of not getting sweets, the incredible importance of a Teddy Bear. All fantastic :)

Oh man so much suspense about what's in the letter, agh!

Hugo is QUITE a brat here, I have to say. That smugness is SUPER infuriating. I also loved the line "limit: reached."

The pace of this chapter positively propels, and it's so exciting throughout. I straight up devoured it!

Oh man oh man this is so good you guys!

xoxo
Roisin

 Report Review

Review #15, by Roisin Chapter 1

12th August 2015:
Ooh, man, I'm already SO STOKED that the two of you are collaborating together! *rubs hands together*

Yee! This chapter is so ace! The voice throughout is hilarious and there are so many fantastic turns of phrase. Teuila is a fantastic narrator, and I adore her personality and humor.

It's also really cool to see a Somoan character, which isn't something I've seen before. There's a big Samoan community in my neighborhood and it's a culture I adore, so I love that :) [Also, did you know that the Samoan population in San Francisco are the single most progressive voters of any ethnic demographic? It's true!]

I'm having a hard time pulling out which line was my favorite. The thing about atlases, the circle of one/a dot, Quiddiots. JUST SO MUCH GOLD.

excellent job, you guys!
xoxo
Roisin
(This was gonna be for the Gryffindor Review Battle, but since Ch1 was Em, I'm gonna go on to Ch2 for the official one)

 Report Review

Review #16, by Gabriella Hunter Chapter 1

9th August 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums dropping by with our swap! I am here pretty darn late but real life came in the form of some awful thing called "being an adult" and what a pain it is.

Anyhoo! I think you have a pretty neat first chapter here. I don't think I've read a character quite so blunt in a long time and it's so refreshing! Good Lord, Teuila could give my Teddy Lupin a run for his money with that sharp mouth. Hahahaha. I really think that she's a unique little character you have, i liked the fact that you fleshed out her family history within the first few paragraphs--her commentary about her parents and sister were almost brutal. On a whole other note though, I am so glad to see some diversity! I NEVER hear about Samoan witches/wizards and what a delightful chnge you've given me. It's great to see some melanin on the archives but that's a whole other topic.

I do wonder what it is about her sister that's so irritating. Do they have a bad relationship or is it merely something that's spewed over from their parent's hasty marriage and separation? I hope we find out in the next few chapters. Teuila seems like kind of a loner too and I'm curious about what has made her step away from others, though I do find the irony of the last sentence amusing. What on earth is she going to do now? Hahahaha.

So, pretty darn good opening chapter and not much on CC's either! I shall see you again!

Much love,

Gabbie

 Report Review

Review #17, by bigblackdog Chapter 3

9th August 2015:
i love the way you're developing teuila.

i particularly love this line:
"With figurative steel in my voice I answer, 的致e just moved on. As I have had to with my father, with my mother, and with my sister."

i think it's tricky sometimes to write a relationship between a character's flaws and their awareness of them- too aware and they seem stupid for not correcting their behavior, not aware enough and they seem stupid for being so monumentally un-reflective. i love the conversation between teuila and rose because you've written teuila has very internal, and therefore a self-reflecting character. she would be aware of her tendency to quickly move on from disappointments and where that behavior comes from. but the contrast to rose, who has more fighting spirit, hints at teuila's tendency as not always being a good thing.

so to recap (and reiterate the praise): in such a small space, you've connected the source of teuila's behaviors to the behavior, told the reader that she's aware of connection, and revealed a flaw in her way of thinking. which is to say, teuila feels very real and relatable.

i like too, the capacity for empathy teuila displays and her hesitation at displaying it at all.


i'm struggling to write some CC, just loving this story!

 Report Review

Review #18, by alicia and anne Chapter 1

29th July 2015:
That's quite a distance to find someone that would marry Pansy haha

Rebecca-Katherine PArkinson- Lee sounds like the worst sibling ever! And pretty much like mine haha. :D

The Sibling rivalry in this is so believable, but her sister sounds like an annoying little so and so!

Haha Quiddiots! I need to use this in my life! That is a fabulous word!

Teuila is amazing, and already such a brilliant character. I love her already! And those tattoos sound amazing! She's so snarky and full of anger and she's amazing!

I can't wait to see how this develops! It's so brilliantly written and I can't wait for more!

 Report Review

Review #19, by TreacleTart Chapter 2

28th July 2015:
MEG!

It's been ages since we've done a review swap. Can we please not let it be this long again?

Okay...this is going to verge into rambly and shouty, so forgive me in advance.

OMG! I WANT TO STRANGLE HUGO! HE IS BEYOND OBNOXIOUS!!! HE IS SO LUCKY THAT I AM NOT ROSE BECAUSE I WOULD'VE LITERALLY KILLED HIM!

AND HOW ABOUT ALBUS?!!! WAY TO BE A JERK TOO! AND HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE REASONABLE ONE! GAHHH!!!

Ok. I feel slightly better now, so let me try to write something coherent.

While I absolutely cannot stand Hugo, you've characterized him brilliantly. You've made him possibly the most annoying, frustrating little brother that I think I've ever read. Seriously, he is making me thankful that I'm an only child.

And Albus?? You would think that the reasonable approach to a situation like that would be to catch Rose when she was alone and have a rational conversation with her about what was going on. He's supposed to be her support system and he pretty much just hung her out to dry. Yeah, he's not quite dead in my eyes, but he's definitely skating on thin ice.

Dom is really the only person who I feel like has a right to be that angry. I mean Victoire is her sister and I feel like I might be equally as mad if it were my sister and cousin in that scenario. Even then, I feel like it would still be more rational to have a conversation first.

As for the way you've written Rose, I absolutely love her. She's fresh and unique...and you've managed to keep her out of the cliche zone that so many versions of Rose fall into.

Now here's my only bit of cc. I love what both you and Em have done as individuals, but I'm a bit skeptical as to how it will all come together. I mean I get that potions is going to force them into each others lives, but at this point they just contrast so strongly.

Anyways, great job so far (to both you and Beth). I'm definitely intrigued.

~Kaitlin

 Report Review

Review #20, by TreacleTart Chapter 1

27th July 2015:
Hey Em!

Here for our review swap! I have to admit that I'm super curious to see what you and Meg have come up with for this. Your individual writing styles are so unique, so I can't imagine how they'll mesh.

This chapter definitely screams with your voice. You are after all the queen of the internal monologues and this fits right into that pattern.

Let me start by saying that I think it's really cool that your character is Samoan. The area that I grew up in and the schools I attended all had very large Samoan populations, so I'm actually fairly familiar with the food, language, and culture. It's nice to see a friendly little wave from something familiar. I like how you took her tattoos and meshed them into the Harry Potter world as well. Great way to incorporate someone's culture.

I had to giggle when you went into the part about how far Pansy had to travel to find someone willing to marry her. I do find it a bit odd that she ended up in American Samoa, so I'm really curious to hear some of the back story on that. I always figured she'd have married a old money, Pureblood English fellow.

You do a great job of capturing characters who feel socially isolated or a bit awkward. I noticed that with Ms. Kluge as well. This was clearly a bit more extreme in the isolation as Teuila says she doesn't have not even a single friend. It seems like a terribly lonely existence and that sort of permeates the whole chapter for me. Her bitterness and resentment are really clear and seeing how everyone treats her, I can understand why she feels as she does.

Oh..and Quiddiots. That is gold. Seriously, best two word combination ever.

The fact that all Potions Masters are Slytherins made me smile as well.

I am quite intrigued to see where this goes and how Meg picks up the story from here. Perhaps I'll be back soon to read the next chapter!

Oh and I did notice one tiny little typo:
classrooms we're prone to carry noise - were prone

Good work!

~Kaitlin

 Report Review

Review #21, by MuggleMaybe Chapter 2

27th July 2015:
Back for review #2!

AH, now that I have read both chapters, the pieces are starting to come together. I can't wait to see how the two girls get along. I thought that you wrote well together as a team - your styles are complementary, and I can see some similarities between the two MCs that will be useful in building their relationship.

I thought the argument against Hugo was very effective (although I was a little abashed, since I am also the baby out of all the cousins).

I'm not sure how to explain my thoughts about Rose. I simultaneously want to hug her and shake my finger at her. But I thought the cousins came down unnecessarily harsh - she deserves a little revenge! As does Teuila! (I feel like I'm spelling this wrong...)

Technically (grammar, etc.) this chapter was very good, so nice job there, as well.

All in all, the two chapters work really well together. I'm excited to see how the story lines interact in coming chapters!

Great work!!
Renee

 Report Review

Review #22, by MuggleMaybe Chapter 1

27th July 2015:
Hi there, it's MuggleMaybe stopping by for the review swap :)

I love the way you opened the chapter - it definitely got a laugh from me, and caught my interest. Teuila has a snarky, sharp-witted voice that I enjoy. (I really want to quote a few of my favorite lines, but they aren't exactly 12+) She's definitely someone I'd rather not have as an enemy! I am interested to learn more about Teuila and her life. Good work!

It's awesome that you wrote a half Samoan character! Very interesting and refreshing. The tattoos really intrigued me - I would like more info about that!

I have to admit, I could have used a little more context. In particular, I found it a bit difficult to piece together the family tree. I know it can seem like cheating to bluntly state things, but I think it would be effective here to give the reader a few facts about the story. Especially since that would work well with Teuila's blunt attitude, anyway.

On to the next chapter! :)
Renee

 Report Review

Review #23, by The Ghost Of His Last Laugh Chapter 1

27th July 2015:
Review swap here.

I thought the beginning to this story was a little confusing. You introduced a lot of people very quickly, so it felt quite rushed. The flow could use a little bit of adjusting, so as not to confuse the reader. I also thought it could use some clarification of detail; so many random things happened that didn't feel necessary. I could totally be wrong though, I have no idea where the story is headed from here.

I thought the ending was very good. A cliffhanger of sorts always makes people want to come back to read more.

All in all, good job!

 Report Review

Review #24, by Ron 4 Hermione Chapter 2

27th July 2015:
Hey.

So I like the start of this, especially how it's two people each writing a different person. That's really effective, especially because it means that the characters are going to have such different, distinctive tones of voice.

Aww, can i just hug both your main characters so far, I'm a twin so I can relate to siblings being really annoying and stuff! I think you've wrote it in such a convincing way, and I also love how they both have the same problem, but it's also diffeent at the same time. I'm also interested to see how the become friends and start to work together, because not only does it seem like they don't know/like each other, they are also in what are typically seen as the rival houses, so this should be fun.

A great start, looking forward to more chapters!

- Shaza :)

 Report Review

Review #25, by bigblackdog Chapter 2

26th July 2015:
i was compelled to review about the humor in your writing and now that i've read rose's chapter i have to review again! i'm so awed by the uniquely different tones you've written for teuila and rose. i really get the sense that the chapters are written by distinct people.

i love the contrast between them and cant wait to see how they interact!

i also just appreciate the premise of this fic and your inclusion of diversity (yay)!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>