Our website is made possible by displaying online advertisements to our visitors.
Please consider supporting us by disabling your ad blocker.






Reading Reviews for Pitfalls for the Unwary
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by NPE Run

5th February 2016:
Hi there,

Sorry for the delay in my review. I felt to do the chapter justice, I had to give the relevant section of the Deathly Hallows another read, plus I got delayed by stuff outside the world of HPFF.

Anyway, I am here now.

Right, there are a lot of things to like here. I think it is always tough to take a section of a book and go off directly from that into AU. With AU, people tend to find it easier with a blank slate as they don’t have to rely on so many canon aspects.

I think you managed it very well.

Greyback is a hugely underused character on the site, and I think you captured both his dialogue and Hermione’s reaction to him being there really, really well. It felt authentic to the books, whilst also being appropriately creepy for your own telling of the story.

I also like the “desperately trying to sound convicning” reference to Hermione trying to conjure up a convincing lie. For all her brains, bravery and magical flair, the books depict her as being a flustered liar, and the panic here was a nice touch as her situation would rattle anyone.

Also, the overarching premise of this AU is cool as well as being, as previously mentioned, well managed. It is a good place to try something else with the story, and it is actually pretty plausible that the three running from the snatchers could be split up like that. It is a great area of “what if”, truth be told in terms of how much the narrative depended on only a moderate chapter in the books.

I think your first paragraph, with its short sentences reads well and like a thriller. To me though, my first bit of CC would be that I think some of your turns of phrase in the opening paragraph are a bit bland. I have read so many action books that say words like “darted”, or “she made her way”, and “she heard a cry as a vicious stinging hex met its mark”. On the plus side I am straight into the story, it is fast to read and thrilling, but I would like more unique choices of words just to give it some specific identity. The fact is that none of the action clichés are bad, but people gloss over them and don’t see any significance in what they’re reading.

I could have done with more insights into her thoughts, into how she moved, into how she thought that were specific to her.

I respect how you cut all the indulgent fat off your tale. It is paced remarkably well.

In terms of my CC –other examples would be that, “She felt her body tense as she realised who this was”, is a bit of a drab way of conveying her fear. It coul have been good to go into more detail or chosen different words.

But I really liked it, and am glad you stopped by for a review.

Elderflowers

 Report Review

Review #2, by Gabriella Hunter Run

2nd February 2016:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review and thanks for the swap! I haven't been on much lately on the forums so I don't think we know one another but it's great to meet you! :)

So, this is going to be a deliciously fresh AU? I love these sort of stories because they're so unique and this has got me really curious. I blew right through this first chapter and if I had the time to get my review thread back up, I would suggest posting in there so I could continue with this. I think your writing style is very detailed and your version of Hermione has some great new qualities to her.

She's aware of her own weaknesses and afraid for her life but she's SO strong and I really love that about her. Running from Snatchers in the first scene is a powerful way to start a story, it's filled with action and intrigue, I rarely set up a chapter this way so great job! I was following along with every little moment of this and totally biting my nails through the whole thing.

I cringed when Hermione was captured and sort of grimaced at Greyback and his crew. Gross, man. I'm terrified for Hermione and worried about the others but you've left this on a great cliffhanger and I can't wait to see what you've done next.

This chapter itself was really short though but I don't think it needs much else to it, if you were worried about that. A little more detail here and there would be nice but I wouldn't worry about it!

Thanks for the exciting read!

Much love,

Gabbie

 Report Review

Review #3, by marauderfan Run

18th June 2015:
Hello! I'm here for our swap!

Wow, if you were going for the suspense/nail-biting/eeek vibe, you totally nailed it. Even though this was a short chapter, it felt like there was a lot covered in it. The first paragraph was really fast-paced and there was a lot going on in it - but it was effective because it seemed to fit with how Hermione must be processing all these events- everything is happening in such quick succession and it's all a jumble to her. I liked the way you did that.

And the way you introduced Fenrir Greyback first by his voice. Ooh, that was so creepy. Like, you could have said "the voice of Fenrir Greyback" but this is like ten times more chilling that it's the familiar raspy voice she recognizes first before she places who it is.

Hermione is a quick thinker, even under stress, and I like that you showed that here. And I love that last line, that all these things were the least of her problems - scary! It is such an effective hook though and makes me want to continue! I do wonder where Harry and Ron have got off to, if they escaped.

I'm sorry this was more of a rambly reaction than a useful review :p but I really did like it! It's super effective and I love the use of detail in everything that's happening to Hermione, it makes the scene feel that much more real (and scary!) Love it. Thanks for the swap!

Author's Response: Thank you ever so much for the swap. I am really pleased that you felt that the tension and panic came across in the first paragraph. I am always really worried about the first paragraph when I write something as it sets the tone and I really didn't want to mess that up.

Thank you for the lovely comments about the way I introduced Greyback. I noticed that in the books JKR as a tendency to highlight Greyback's voice when he is in a scene (as if it is his most distinctive feature;) I suppose I just learnt from the master. Plus, by withholding his name (even momentarily) it helps to build the tension.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my portrayal of Hermione and the level of detail. So far I have written almost 30 thousand words of this story (in various sages of editing) and the biggest challenge I have discovered with writing this so far is preventing Hermione from looking weak while still maintaining a high level of apprehension. I had hoped that this introductory chapter (even though it is short) manages to reflect Hermione's strength under pressure.

I love the fact that you describe your review as a reaction - I think that is one of the best types of reviews (especially when the chapter is so short.)

Many thanks,
~Elfy


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login