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Reading Reviews for The Last Visit
  
9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by nott theodore Chapter 1

28th April 2017:
CTF Jailbreak Review

Ineke.

Well, first of all you definitely deserve some love because of all the crazy reviewing that you've been doing over the past weeks, but also. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???

You've seen the Cursed Child as well as I have (more than me, in fact) and you should know by now that I have a soft spot for Albus and Scorpius in any form, whether that's as friends or in a relationship. But this was so mean and so emotional and I'm not very happy after reading this. Deathbed scenes are always hard to read when they're written right (and of course this one definitely was) but the fact that Scorpius was so young and died playing Quidditch made me so, so sad!

I loved the way that you opened this, building up the tension because as readers we didn't really know what had happened or what was wrong, just that we were at St. Mungo's and the Potters were clearly all worried about Albus. And then we find out, and of course they're worried about Albus, and I think you should be a little worried about me too, because you've broken my heart more than a bit with this story!

I thought the dialogue here was fantastic. I honestly don't think you could have chosen a better way to capture what Scorpius means to Albus because it shows so well in his choice of final words. I loved this, but please don't do it to me again!

Sian :)

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Review #2, by melian Chapter 1

28th April 2017:
Oh dear. I did pick a tear jerker, didn't I?

That was so so so sad, Ineke. Deathbed scenes are always the hardest to write and the hardest to read, I find. You did a good job with this one as I am now sobbing uncontrollably over my keyboard. Darn you.

Have to admit, though, that's a good way to die. Innovative, I mean. And he probably wouldn't have felt much because the first Bludger would have knocked him out cold. So he wouldn't even have felt the second one, wouldn't have known he was going to die. In that way, because it was quick, he didn't suffer.

Of course, that doesn't mean Albus won't. Being the one left behind is always so tragic, so heart breaking. And you conveyed that so well here. Having Lily with him to calm him, seeing that still figure alone in the room, not breathing, not doing anything he should have been doing. And the first professional Quidditch fatality? How tragic! I mean, I know someone has to be the first, and that someone is probably someone very special to someone else, but to hear that story from Al's perspective? Why are you doing this to me, Ineke? Why? Why? WHY???

Okay, enough of that. I think you did a really good job with this one, because it can't have been an easy one to write. Wonderful work. Now excuse me while I find a box of tissues.

cheers Mel

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Review #3, by DEAL WITH IT Chapter 1

31st March 2017:
Two bludgers to the head? That's a horrible way to go! Poor Scorp. Anyway, you did a good job, I've never really like Scorbus, so my favorite part is how you took Scorbus and PUT IT ON THE FREAKING TITANIC!!! 10/10

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Review #4, by The Basilisk Chapter 1

5th November 2015:
Ineke, youíve been bitten! *nom, NaNo, nom*

Ominousss summary, darling. Letís see what youíve done to sink this ship here!

What a sad story, and I reveal in all things deadly! Like, so sad and short and sad. That sounds like one of the most traumatic fatalities ever. Iím glad Albusss got to say goodbye though. And the fact that his family was there to support him was lovely, even if Lily forced it to happen. The sssibling dynamics were nice. And Iím sad for Albus and Scorpiusí family. I wonder if Draco and Astoria know, and now I wonder how Albus and Scorpius got together, etc, etc.

Only ickle tenssse thing: Ďnot exactly knowing what he did hereí Ė not exactly knowing what he was doing here

Hiss, hiss,
The Basilisk

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Review #5, by HeyMrsPotter Chapter 1

12th June 2015:
Hello! Iím here reviewing for the House Cup :D
I think this was a really sad, bittersweet but still lovely idea for a story. I always thought Quidditch was a more dangerous game than itís made out to be in the books and this really shows it. I mean, after all, Bludgers are like cannon balls-how could they not do serious damage from time to time? Thatís another rant for another day though :p
I like that you didnít just address Scorpius dying here, but also tackled some issues that Albusí family, specifically James, were having with the relationship. Lily was SO Ginny in that part, I can just picture her with her hands on her hips and her hair wild.
The ending was really sad, obviously what you were going for :p, but I liked that it ended on a happier note with Albus saying he would return to Quidditch because Scorpius would have wanted it.
Dee
Hufflepuff House Cup 2015.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Yes, I imagined that Bludgers could be very dangerous indeed. I mean, if you see that some are out for days after one hit to the head - I can only imagine that two do.

I really think that Lily would be a lot like Ginny - though would be like Harry too, in some regards, and I honestly loved James here.

Thanks for your review!


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Review #6, by oldershouldknowbetter Chapter 1

12th June 2015:
Well I wrote for the sink your ship challenge too, but I think that I raised this ship as I sunk my own.

Hi there here for a bit of Ravenclaw House Cup 2015 amazing race.

There is good characterisation right out of the gate; all the siblings are behaving as we normally see them. I like 'young-Ginny', I mean Lilly - what she said to James is spot on with what we should expect of a fiesty, take charge sort of young girl. She has her elder brother's number and lays down the law. James is behaving as an older, straight brother would - at this young age he probably wouldn't exactly deal tactfully with his younger brother being gay. He is accepting of it but he is not exactly comfortable with it. Nicely done.

A couple of bludgers to the head is pretty tragic, dead before he hit the ground almost. That's heartbreaking.

Albus does want a few moments with his fallen 'friend', so he dismisses his two siblings. I don't exactly know if he had ever declared his love for Scorpius before all of this, it isn't exactly clear, but if he hadn't it makes it all the more poiniant. He was obviously great friends with the young man before, but if he hadn't gotten the chance to tell him ... well that just is awful.

A touching little story.

Andrew,
Oldershouldknowbetter.

Ravenclaw House Cup 2015

Author's Response: Hi there Andrew!

What you said was exactly what I wanted it to be. He hadn't voiced his feelings yet (though I have this feeling Lily's got it figured out anyway, with James just not getting it at all).

I'm really glad that you like the characterisation and that you found it to be touching.

Thanks so much!


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Review #7, by DracoFerret11 Chapter 1

11th June 2015:
Hello there! This is DarkRose from the forums, here to review for you for the House Cup 2015! So, let's go over things:

Grammar/Spelling: There were a few issues throughout the story in spelling and grammar, notably: "who's pale skin" and "who's eyes" where it should be the possessive word "whose." Also, the use of single quotes instead of double quotes around dialogue.

Plot: This was a really sad story...I was sorry to see Scorpius die, even though I haven't read many stories that feature him. I wish he'd had a chance to know that Albus loved him. The scene was good, though, and I think you captured it well. :)

Characterization: I liked that James was the tactless brother in this. I think that was an original way to show him. Well done. I also liked Lily being so sweet, and Albus being so sad. All three of them just made sense.

Interactions: The only interaction that didn't feel genuine to me was when Albus was talking to Scorpius. His words didn't feel very emotional to me or even shocked or sad. It was a bit off-putting... :/

Descriptions: The other constructive criticism I could offer is to suggest that you add more details in about how things sound, smell, feel, etc. It would help bring the story to life.

I think this--death--is a difficult concept to write about, but I think you did a pretty good job. I hope my comments help and don't sound overly harsh. Good job and take care!

--Emily (DarkRose)

Ravenclaw, House Cup 2015

Author's Response: Hi Emily!

First of all - don't worry about it being too harsh, as I feel like it isn't, and they really do help.

About the grammar: I've really only ever used the single quotes around dialogue, as opposed to the double, really. It might be something I could work on, as I never had it as a critisism before, so it's definitely something I can take into account! As for the spelling mistakes - I've wrote it quite fast and didn't read it over, but even if I had, I doubt I would've noticed it - the dramas of English not being your first language. That being said, thanks for the comments about that and I'll definitely change it when I get around it!

I'll definitely take the rest up as well (I now realised that I did, indeed, not add details like that.) and thanks for the critisism! I really do appreciate it!


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Review #8, by maskedmuggle Chapter 1

11th June 2015:
Hey!

Aw, this was so sad and tragic and made me feel so many things for poor Albus. I love Albus/Scorpius so seeing it here in this story was awesome, but it was just so heartbreaking that Scorpius wasn't alive to be with Al :( I thought your plot was very well thought out, with the parents not knowing about it, but having his siblings go support him. I also thought it was very realistic that the plot revolved a little around quidditch, and that despite Scorpius' death from the game, it was something that he would continue to do.

I especially loved the characterisation of all 3 characters. I loved how you conveyed James, as not very tactful and needing Lily to keep him in check, and how Lily was more of a considerate person looking out for Al. The speech Al gave to Scorpius was really well written, but I felt like there was room to express more of Al's anguish/pain over his death and what it would really mean for Al to be in a world without Scorpius. All in all though, I really enjoyed reading this one and thought you did a fab job with it!

- Charlotte
Ravenclaw House Cup 2015

Author's Response: Hi Charlotte!

You aren't the only one saying Al's dialogue could've been better, so I'll definitely be taking that up into account should I ever write such a story again!

Thanks for the review though, and I'm glad you overall liked the idea and characterisation!


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Review #9, by TreacleTart Chapter 1

11th June 2015:
Hello again!

Back for the Amazing Race Round 1 in the House Cup 2015!

The sink my ship challenge is such a great challenge idea and I'm simultaneously excited and sad that you've decided to sink Albus/Scorpius. They're one of my favorite pairings.

In regards to the challenge, you've definitely sunk this ship. There is no more permanent sinking then death. I would've liked a bit more detail on what exactly happened. I mean I see that it's a Quidditch accident, but I'd like to know more specifics.

I thought Albus speech at the end was sweet, but I think you could push it a bit more. I think adding more description about his emotional state during that specific section would be helpful.

I love the way you've characterized James. I could just imagine him being the type to constantly stick his foot in his mouth particularly when dealing with tricky situations. It was a good thing that Lily put him in his place before they left to visit.

All in all, I think this was a good one-shot. You've clearly accomplished the goal of the challenge and created some interesting characters while doing so. Good work!

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Hi Kaitlin!

Yes, the Sink my Ship challenge is a hard one and I am really glad to not be the judge of them. My god, I won't be able to deal with the feels, haha!

I'm glad you find the characters to be interesting and you're certainly not the only one feeling a bit... empty? with Al's speech. It was one I was struggling with a bit, but I'll definitely take the critisism with me should I have to write another death. Your idea would really be helpful..

That being said - thank you so much again!


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