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Reading Reviews for Turbulence
43 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Dojh167 Chapter 4

5th March 2016:
For the HPFF Review-A-Thon

Final chapter for now! I'm glad I got to get to these all in a day =)

The first the half of this chapter moved along fairly quickly with engaging dialogue. I had questions right away about whether or not the school healers knew about Astoria's condition, and the scene answers that as well as further clarifying Astoria's relationship with her medication.

It makes me really sad that Astoria's instinct is to push Christy away while she's trying to help, but I can understand why she does that.

At first I wasn't sure if Astoria really didn't remember what had happened to her. But she's trying to cover for Durant and Fey?

That's a believable bit of subtle backstory about Astoria having to give up Quadpot (though it seems a little surprising that all of these characters, including the recent transfer, are into playing athletics).

I really feel for Christy. That must be so difficult for her, seeing her best friend obviously suffering but not knowing how to help or what's wrong.

Wow, Quadpot Astoria sounds really intense - I can't wait to see it!

All of the dialogue in this chapter seemed to flow really well, and the chapter went by very smoothly and naturally.

Another great chapter! I'm glad that I'm finally all caught up, and I hope that you post more soon =) I think this is quite an original story, and I really want to read more about Astoria's journey.


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Review #2, by Dojh167 Chapter 3

4th March 2016:
For the HPFF Review-A-Thon

Back to the future!

Hehe, threatening someone with augmenti to get them out of bed

I thought in the previous chapter she needed to take the potion every two hours. Now It's five days? Is this a different treatment, or is she weaning herself off her medication?

I feel so bad for Astoria, that she makes herself be so alone through all of this. She has great friends who I believe would really stand by her, and by not trusting them she is making herself suffer more =(

Yay for Astoria being a master of Political Relations =) I also found it interesting how the history of Goblins in America is quite similar to England, but I really enjoyed the science you included. However, not clear around whether the studies on Goblin brains were done around the same time as the Goblin Wars.

I think it is very insightful of Christy that, although Astoria has shown these behavioral inconsistencies before, Christy does not simply accept the changes as normal, but makes up her mind to figure out why they happen.

Wow. Your description of Astoria's mounting intensity of emotion and resistance is really powerful.

I really thought she was going to turn the tables on those evil boys =( In time...

I'll be reading the final chapter soon, now that I'm back on track!


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Review #3, by Dojh167 Chapter 1

4th March 2016:
For the HPFF Review-A-Thon

Okay, so now I'm super embarassed because I somehow clicked on chapter 2 first and read and reviewed it assuming it was next... Ignore everything I've said. Except not, because it was actually a good chapter and things made sense without this one. Now, backtracking...

So right off the bat here you've introduced the Animagus training again, so this is obviously going to be very important to the story.

It really stands out to me how Christy comments on Tori's mood/tiredness. Of course she doesn't think its a big deal, but it is to Astoria.

Astoria's letter from her mother is heartbreaking, is is the fact that it was more than she was used to receiving (and it also clarifies my question of when this is set).

I definitely connect to Astoria's ritual of walking the stone tiles and the way she'd be made fun of for it.

Classic American racism...

I think Astoria's reaction to hearing Pooja was from Hogwarts was a good touch.

I love the concept of Scripting as a class

Okay, now that I'm reading the beginning I get to find out about the different Houses =) I love that Pooja points out that founders always seem to have alliterative names! Aw the rest of the background happens outside the chapter. That's fair

Another great chapter =) I guess now I'll have to jump forward two chapters. It's my fault this is confusing!


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Review #4, by Dojh167 Chapter 2

4th March 2016:
For the HPFF Review-A-Thon


I've been meaning to get back to this story for a long time, and I've got so many chapters to catch up on!

Right off the bat, I am curious about how long after the prologue this chapter is set. Students are registering for animagus training, so it must be several years.

New houses are always exciting! I wonder what this house system is based off of

Already, this Animagus training is setting up to be fairly interesting for Astoria's future. I wonder what difficulties she'll have completing it. Will mixing the potion with her treatment cause issues? Will she be able to meet the deadlines?

Hooray for Quadpot AND agender inclusion!

I really feel for Astoria and her conflicted feelings about taking her medication. I want her to be healthy, but also to find a way that she can do it without feeling like she is giving up parts of herself. That's the battle =/

I think it was a very interesting idea to have Pooja be a transfer student. While Astoria had moved from England years ago, we didn't get to see her becoming acclimated to the way of things here, but Pooja's transfer was a good tool to slip in some exposition.

This chapter was mostly setup, but I think it worked quite well to begin to set up the world of the story and what's to come.


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Review #5, by Dojh167 Prologue

22nd November 2015:
Hello! I've been kind of MIA for a while, but now that I'm getting active on the site again, here I am with FSF award review #4!

I've been curious about this story for a while. I enjoy Sturm and Drang, and so am interested to learn some background on Astoria here.

I like that, even thought this is a prologue, you jump right in with action instead of trying to fill the reader in with exposition. Your descriptions and dialogue also capture the age of the characters really well without having to spell anything out.

In "The six year olds had become friends since the time" either "become" should be "been" or "since the time" should be "when"

I love the straightforward simplicity of how you wrote Astoria's lack of awareness for what has happened, and particularly her confidence that since she had won the game, she hadn't done anything wrong.

The fact that Mr. Greengrass' pride would keep him from letting his daughter get the care that she needs really, really hurts my heart. And that he would only let her do it by sending her away? I do not like this man. Do not like do not like.

I think it s a good, believable touch that Mrs. Greengrass' experience of racial intolerance makes her less disposed to be intolerant towards muggles.

And that tiny mention of her sneering sister... Oh dear.

You've created a very effective opening chapter here, clearly painting the characters and relationships dynamics in a very believable way.

I look forward to reading more.


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Review #6, by bigblackdog Chapter 1

31st October 2015:

i'm loving all of the careful description of this american school! that's such a creative way to enter the common room and the idea of shared language between the three founders is fascinating! i think i could read a whole story about jasmilda janin, randor romanoff and cardelia cartell!

i also really love pooja's character! it's so adorable when she's asking a million questions about the school super fast. haha!

i'm also really happy to see some POC representation and that you're addressing this in relation to the war.

for CC i just have one thing: astoria says "And I’m a weird combination of Asian and British." i don't mean to nitpick, because the rest of your chapter clearly shows that you're sensitive to this topic, but i just have to say, it's not weird to be mixed. although i can see why you've written her dialogue this way, because even as a POC it can be really easy to slip into the speech patterns that reinforce negative attitudes toward POCs. so i guess i'm just wondering where astoria is at in how she views herself?

looking forward to reading the next chapters- you've set up a great beginning. i'm already so interested in her animagi classes, the possibility of future fallout from that encounter with fey and durant, and getting to know astoria and pooja more!


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Review #7, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 4

18th September 2015:
Hey Erin! I've been reading through all the Dobby nominees--CONGRATULATIONS!--and of course I've already favorited this story, and reviewed most of it, but doing all that reminded me that I hadn't yet R&R'ed this chapter, so here I am!

You wrote the hospital wing scene really well. I feel so bad for Tori, and all that she's struggling with. You really write her in a way that allows me to connect to her, emotionally.

The fear bubbled, it began to rise, consuming her, tearing her apart from the inside. She gasped, unable to take it anymore, and then… white.
--this was a great transition.

Christy is such a good friend. I really love her. I mean, I'm sure she can drive a girl crazy, especially someone like Astoria, who has so many secrets. But still, she's just the kind of friend that Astoria needs. I'm so glad that she has someone that determined watching out for her. And the best thing is, Christy may push and push, but she clearly knows that there are times to back off. Like, she knows when Astoria is in one of those reminiscent moods and ought to be left alone. She really seems to understand her friend, or she understands her as much as she can with all the information that's being withheld. And she truly seems to care.

How do Fey and Durant know all about her family? And what did she tell Ferdi, I wonder?

Erin, you're so brilliant! I love what you did with Quodpot--Squadders and Cepters and all that! Did you come up with that?! It's so clever! I hope we get to see a game :D

And I'm glad that Astoria has agreed to help Pooja. I hope she might fall in love with Quadpot again, too. It'd be nice to see her doing something that would make her happy.


--this could use a space after the period.

and her small frame as well as a certain knack for flying had made her one of the fastest fliers on the pitch.
--this is pretty darn nitpicky, but that's what's left to me. This was a very clean chapter. But I think that 'a knack for flying made her a fast flyer' [paraphrasing], sounds a bit repetitive. it might sound better to say, "a certain knack with a broomstick had made her one of the fastest flyers on the pitch," or something like that.

I am enjoying this story so much! There are still so many questions I am dying to know the answers to, and I love seeing all the ways that you expand on canon, and put your own twist on things here at the American wizarding school. It's brilliant, and so fun to read. Congratulations on your Dobby nomination, chicadee! It's really exciting, and you deserve it!


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Review #8, by HeyMrsPotter Chapter 2

11th September 2015:
Me again!

I really love the way you describe American wizard school. I like that there are similiarities to Hogwarts but subtle differences like the Common Hall, and the fact that they're teaching how to be Animagi is AMAZING.

I really like the character you've given Astoria. She's kind but not a pushover. I felt bad for her when Pooja mentioned Hogwarts, I can imagine how difficult it must be for her not going to the school she grew up hearing about.

Another great chapter :)


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Review #9, by HeyMrsPotter Prologue

11th September 2015:
Hi, Erin!

Im trying to work my way through the Dobby nominees :) Congrats on the nomination!

I think this is such in interesting concept for a story, and it makes for a great opening chapter. I really like the idea of Astoria battling with this condition. The way that they discovered it was awful though, poor Ana! I thought her father's reaction was very typical pureblood, initially refusing something that would help his daughter simply because it stemmed from a muggle concept.

I'm really interested in seeing where you'll take the story from here.


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Review #10, by adluvshp Chapter 4

2nd September 2015:
Hey! Here for our review swap, sorry for the delay!

So, I just finished reading all the 4 chapters and I've to say I'm already in love with this story! Your characterisation of Astoria is brilliant. I feel for her so much, and I can relate to her easily too.

Your portrayal of her illnesses - bipolar and mania - is very realistic and on point. The way you show her thoughts is perfect. It's like I'm in her mind - I'm her - while reading this. Her condition is described sensitively and perfectly. It's interesting to read how she handles her daily life at school.

Speaking of, I love the school system! The houses, the history with the inscriptions etc., and the entrance to the common room and all - it's very innovative and plausible. I enjoyed reading it all =)

I'm also liking Tori's friends a lot. Pooja and Christy are very nice characters. They're human and realistic, and they're such good friends. Christy's curiosity about Astoria's problem makes sense and I wonder if she's going to find out soon.

The two boys who attacked Astoria are vile. Ugh. I was so sad in the previous chapter while reading that. And I must say you tackled the attack scene very well. Just the right kind of descriptions.

I am really excited to see how the plot progresses and what happens next. I'm loving Astoria (just want to give her a hug) and her friends and reading about her life here. I'm adding the story to my favourites and I'll keep an eye out for updates.

Great chapter, great story, great writing! Love it =)

Angie (AditiDraco95)

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Review #11, by Aphoride Chapter 1

1st September 2015:
Hey Erin! Sorry the rest of our swap is coming a bit late - with the Dobbys and wrist injuries, things got a little bit delayed :/ I hope that's okay! :)

I really like with this story, how well you do at setting up the world around Astoria, and keeping it in line and merging with the world we know from the series. Like, the little things - the mention of Hogwarts and the sorting hat and so on, the letter from her mother saying that the Dark Lord had returned - they just give it this great sense of grounding, you know? It all fits in so well. Plus, it gives all these lovely details - like how to get into House Cartell, how their sorting system works (and it seems a lot less potentially argumentative, haha, than Hogwarts', though I guess rivalries and things would still exist), and that it seems so many founders had alliterative names :P

I like your Astoria, too - I really like how you've developed her from the prologue, and how you've shown the effect the potion has on her, in a way, by the contrast between her then and now. It's a really stark presentation, you know, when you compare the two, and there's something strangely unnerving about how almost monotone she is, with the potion making her so flat to how she was before. I also liked how clearly her experiences there had shaped her, with the two boys bullying (for lack of a better word, though it's incredibly light for it) the new girl - it gives her this interesting, brave side, and that was kinda the first time where it felt like more of her from the prologue was coming through, you know? Which makes a lot of sense.

I like the group you've set up around her, and how already we can see some of the conflicts sort of waiting for her - with her making a new friend she may have to defend, the possibility of her friends learning about her condition, the antagonists Durant and Fey and things happening there - and the threat of the Dark Lord's return in the background. It's a really lovely complex situation, you know, which I just love :)

I'm really, really curious to see where this goes - where you take Astoria after this, and how things develop for her in America. It's a really interesting start, and your characters are wonderful! :)

Aph xx

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Review #12, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 3

1st September 2015:
Erin! So, I've had a crazy week and I have been saving this new chapter as a special treat for once I got through with the stuff I had to do. And now I'm finally here! HOORAY! :D

Poor, poor Astoria! This just breaks my heart. That she feels this way, that she's struggling so much. And that she feels the need to hide it from her friends, and Christy is getting so worried about her! And then that ending, with those awful boys! Ugh. You knew they weren't going to let it lie, but did they have to find her at such a weak and vulnerable moment? And she's so strong, still, in spite of how weak she's feeling. It's really incredible. She tries to fight and, when she can't, she stays quiet while she is literally being tortured, all to protect a family that, as far as she can see, doesn't even care for her anymore. This girl's strength and loyalty seriously knows no bounds.

It really makes you think about magic, and how awful it can be. With almost no effort, they can just break her legs! And I'm not saying that couldn't happen in the Muggle world, but really it probably wouldn't, because she couldn't just get healed and cover it up. This kind of easy, quick cruelty seems pretty unique to wizardkind.

Ugh, my heart just aches for her. But I believe in Astoria! She's strong, and she's gonna pull through.


The clouds had rolled in over the night, casting shadows on every corners of the grounds, covering every inch with their thick droplets.
--two things here: it should be "every corner" of the grounds, rather than "every corner". The other thing is that, for some reason, "covering every inch with their thick droplets" reads a bit oddly to me, without it being previously specified that these were rain clouds. For some reason I didn't immediately realize that it meant rain, and was just thinking of the clouds being made up of droplets of water and covering the whole sky. That might just be because I need to utilize Occam's razor a bit more frequently, but I thought I'd let you know.

She was merely the guider of the body, making it stand up, grab the required books, and dash out the room.
--This isn't actually a critique, it's just a suggestion. This is a great image, right here, but I think it might be a bit more powerful if you brought in a comparison to a puppeteer, or her body as a marionette. That seems to be the direction you're going anyway, but I think that bringing in the puppet comparison outright might make for a really strong picture. But like I said, that's just a suggestion, and it's totally at your discretion whether that's the sort of thing you'd want to do.

“Now, the regulating laws do not allow for any species other than humans to avail of the opportunities provided in terms..."
--Most properly, I think it would be "to avail themselves of the opportunities".

I am so looking forward to the next chapter! This one was rough, emotionally, but I still enjoy it. Your characters really pop off the page (I love that Astoria is interested in Magical Politics and Diplomacy--that's such a, well, such an interesting interest. I just already like her so much). Good job, as always!


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Review #13, by Lostmyheart Prologue

30th August 2015:
Hi Erin!

Our lovely Penny from the pit recommended your story in my status, so here I am.
This is a really interesting start, I've never really learned what bipolar is so this is very intriguing to read about. I wonder what you'll put Astoria through in America, she'd probably never hear about the Dark Lord's return when she's a teen.

I love your writing as usual, I could totally picture little Tori run around screaming "Ana!" She did seem a little weird just running around all the time like that, but to diagnose her with mania? That was surprising. I'm really excited to read the other chapters, which I will do later since I have other stories to read today.

You're doing great!! 10/10

- Avi

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Review #14, by alicia and anne Chapter 3

30th August 2015:

I just want to quickly say that I'm reading chapter 4 straight away because it has no reviews :P So I'm smack down in the middle of everything with no clue what's happened before. It's pretty exciting :D I'm going to try and guess what's happened before.

Oh, she's almost missed class, I wonder why?

Hang on, the name Pooja is ringing a bell... have I read a chapter of this before? Chances are highly likely.

Back to her almost missing classes, I'm going to assume it's because pirates are threatening to capture her in class. When you don't know the answer always assume it's pirates! Because it normally always is pirates.

Awww she takes potions *hugs her* I feel so sorry for her, and the way that you described how she's feeling was so powerful.

Astoria is very clever, I really like that about her. and I like that her best friend has noticed that something is up and wants to get to the bottom of it.

Oh no! I don't like these guys! I want to hurt them so badly!


Oh Erin, what have you done? I'm so sad now :(

Other then that, wonderfully written! You really know how to pull at my heartstrings. I love your writing so much!

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Review #15, by Felpata Lupin Chapter 1

26th August 2015:
Hey, Erin!!!
I'm here because Anja was asking swaps for you. And I'm really happy she did, because this story is really amazing so far (to be true I wanted to wait the last published chapter to review, but I'm nearly arrived to work and I don't know how much time I'll have...)

Anyway... Wow!!! This is such an original and interesting story!!! There are so many elements in here already, among Astoria's bipolarity, the racism theme etc.

Poor Tori... She's practically been abandoned by her family because of some silly Pureblood prejudices... That's just so sad... I really can't get it when parents aren't supportive of their own children...

At least it seems that she has some good friends at school! Christy seems an enjoyable character, a bit exhuberant but a good friend. I already like her a lot!!!

Poor Pooja, what a welcome... She seems such a sweet girl, too! Can't wait to see how their friendship will develop!

Last thing I want to say is that I love your descriptions and that I particularly enjoyed your taking on the American school and its magic!!!

And now I really have to go...
I'll try to get back to this story this evening, but I can't promise anything! I will be back, though!!!

Wonderful job so far!
Tons of love,

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Review #16, by carry on with your knitting Prologue

25th August 2015:
Hey I'm here for the review swap! :)

This was really interesting for me to read, I've never actually read anything that involves psychological illness before, but I e always been fascinated by how the mind works and things like that. I actually suffer from anxiety and OCD myself, so that's part of the reason it interests me so much. I would say be cautious when writing about mental I'll was and do a lot of research into it, which you probably have done, but just to make sure that you are depicting it in the right way :) I don't know a lot about bipola specifically, but from the little I know about it, it seems to me that you Are going about writing it in a proper way which wouldn't iffend sufferers. I know that involves extreme highs and lows which you hVe included in the chapter. I like that you decided to use the too very opposite States of mind in a short period of time as this emphasises how abrupt the changes could be.

I really enjoyed your use of repartition at the start with the game! It of only shows how childlike she is but also reflects her condition; she's so happy she's almost able oohs to everything else. It also built a lot of tension, I don't know about everyone else but as soo as you repeated it o cd it gave me a sense of dread and I knew something was wrong with her friend. It was very cleverly written :)

Her dad is so horrible! I couldn't imagine having a parent like that! Putting his own pride before his daughters health. It says a lot about his character from that one simple act. I thought that was quiet powerful, as although you mention him briefly, I can already tell what kind of person he is!

I do have a couple of it y things to point out, and it's mostly langue things; specifically americanisms. I noticed you used the word 'yard' and wasn't sure until the end if it was set in America or not because of this. In England we call it a 'garden.' :) I also felt some of the names were very American, for example 'anabeth' and 'tanisha' aren't common names here at all really and her mother would have had a much more traditional name in my opinion, given that this would have been set around 20 years ago and her mother would have probably be born in the 1960's. Tanisha is just a bit modern for me but that's totLly just my opinion and you can disregard it if you like :)

Over its another really interesting start to a story and Iook forward to reading more! :)

Katie :)

Ps if you want to talk to someone as a point of reference for mental health you can totally message me and I'll help you out a bit in anyway I can :)

Pps I'm so sorry for the aweful typing... I'm on my phone :')

Author's Response: Hi Katie. Thank you for reviewing this. I just got to know that Anja swapped with you and asked you to review this instead of her own fic and I am so overwhelmed. :')

If you've read more of my fics, you'd know that mental illnesses are my specialty. It's also my field of study so you don't have to worry that I might depict something in the wrong manner. :) But thank you for the word of caution, I assure you that I always make sure I write them properly.

Thank you. What that was was a manic episode, and there'll be more instances with that side of Astoria.

Her dad is quite an unpleasant character. But he is a Pureblood, and with the amount of prejudice that's attached to anything muggle, it seemed like something he would do. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his daughter. His hate for anything muggle as well as his fear of being shunned by society is even higher.

The names were very intentional. First of all, many characters in the series have very uncommon names. Also, Astoria has a mixed family with different cultural heritages, something that is revealed in the next chapter so it makes sense to have such names for her parents. I hope you read on. :)

Thank you so much for this review! I won't have any trouble with mental illnesses, I've been writing them for ages, but thank you for the offer, I'll keep it in mind. And no problem, I know how it is typing on a phone. Thanks again. :)

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Review #17, by Aphoride Prologue

25th August 2015:
Hey there, Erin! :) Sorry for the late drop by - I got distracted by prep research for uni, haha (which is like a miracle for me :P), and the gym, but I'm here now! :D I'm so excited for this fic because I saw it in the Diversity challenge, but didn't know if it stood on its own, really (which is mostly my fault, I admit!), so I never stopped by, so I'm so glad you said this one! :)

I really love the way you've set Astoria up in this one - with the reason she's going to school in America, and her diagnoses and how she never sees her best friend again and just doesn't understand. It makes her, and her mother to an extent, too, a really sympathetic figure, because it's not her fault, you know? She's a kid, she has no idea what she's doing or not doing...

Also, I just love that you included bipolar disorder in this - it's something which touched my life, though not directly, and it's something which is never talked about in fic - disorders and things, illnesses, just never seem to come up. I love as well how in depth on it you're going, with the details about Astoria's actions, and I'm so curious to see where you take her with this, how the potion works and to what extent, and just what happens in America.

I love the way you portray her family, too, how her mother is the only one, really, to even sort of attempt to understand what Astoria needs and what's necessary for her, and at least seems to be willing to try - her dad just sounds so... stiff. Inflexible, kinda.

Your writing in this is so lovely, too - it's so clean and so clear, and so just good, you know? Like, everything's perfectly balanced and your description really suits the characters, and the voice you use for it just perfectly expresses the emotions wound up in the story. It's really, really lovely to read :)

This is a really interesting prologue, and a really interesting set-up (I love the super original reason for her going to America, and I'm so curious to see how the racial element ties into it, because that hasn't been mentioned so much yet ;)) and I'm really looking forward to reading the next three chapters! :D :)

Aph xx

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Review #18, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 2

19th August 2015:
Hey there! I was so excited when I saw that you'd posted a third chapter of this! I had read the first two recently and enjoyed it so much. The diversity in this is great! And I'm just really getting swept up in the whole American school thing. I'd never thought that kind of fic would appeal to me--I've generally avoided things that take place in America. But I'm so glad that I came to this one, because I'd have been missing out. I'm just really liking your version of Astoria. She's plucky, but she's also dealing with some serious difficulties.

That scene where she had to take her medicine was so painful--you wrote it really well. I hated to see the colors fading out like that. And trying to make the choice between being too keyed up to do anything and too slow to do anything? The fact that it makes her mind so sluggish she can't even do her schoolwork. It's awful. I just really feel for Astoria, here.

I really like the name Smethwyck for a professor.

I like the vibe you give to Astoria and her friends. They seem comfortable, like they really do know each other, and like they do have traditions and systems. Pooja being new, though, allows for some explanation, which is a pretty convenient device to help the audience get some background information. That was clever.

Man, American wizarding school is not playing. This place is intense!


She had enough going on already, and she knew that it was more important to be in control of her senses now more than ever,
--it seems like there's one extra "more" here than is necessary. Maybe: "and she knew that it was important to be in control of her senses--now more than ever..."

(but she would never agree because who wouldn’t want to be better than normal especially when exams were coming up in a few months)
--this sentence confused me a little. It seemed out of place. Agree with what? Who said anything about being normal, or better than normal?

“I did, didn’t I,” Ferdinand muttered.
--there should be a question mark after "i"

They have some kind of magical segregation system for the whole thing.
--"segregation" sounds kind of weird here to me. It made me think we were getting into blood status stuff, rather than visas and such. Maybe "organization"?

One thought--you mention Quidditch players, and there's no reason the American school wouldn't have that. But it's largely thought that since there are only two pro Quidditch teams (that we know of) for all of North America, Quodpot is more popular in the States. It might be kind of fun to explore that sport as the main game on campus. That's just an idea, though! Thought I'd throw it out there :D

Another interesting chapter. It was well done, and I am hooked. I'm really looking forward to reading more. And did I see that this is a companion piece to another story? Sturm und Drang? Might have to run over and take a look at that, when I get the chance.

Good work!


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Review #19, by BookDinosaur Chapter 1

19th August 2015:

i mean that might be taking it a little far but psh, life was made for exaggerations. or something. y'know i'm just going to make a completely unlinked drop into my review

ah, first things first (i'm the realest; NO i'm sorry i'll shut up now i couldn't resist) ANYWAY, first things first, i love love love the wordbuilding that you've put into this chapter. i really loved that everything you expressed to the reader was so smoothly introduced to the audience and how it all fit so well into astoria's dialogue - it made all these small details about the school so realistic and so well expressed. a lot of the time worldbuilding is often a big lump of information that the author really really wants to get across but don't quite know how, so they end up sticking it awkwardly into a paragraph and then awkwardly stick that paragraph into the chapter where it almost inevitably dos not work out, ya feel? but you avoided that trap by having everything we learn come out of astoria's mouth in her dialogue and it all flowed and i am in awe i wish i could infodump my (very few) readers so smoothly

that was probably a massive paragraph oh my goodness, and to avoid looking at it too much you know what i'm going to do? press that enter key. yep

and YO, now that that monster of a paragraph is out of my sight i can continue

i think the one piece of CC i have for you is that the scene with the two (awful, horrible, nasty, UGH) bullies, where astoria is fighting the two of them - it just kind of comes off as a little awkward? and this could by all means be just me, but when she's kicking their butts to kingdom come it just feels kinda stiff - like maybe in between these lines:

“That’s it, I’ve had it!” Astoria screamed, waving her wand wildly.


If you had some more in there, like a description of how angry Astoria was feeling or the frown that was pulling at her face, maybe it'd help make the scene feel more natural? but yeah, this could definitely just be me being silly again so you can definitely ignore this if you want

and ooh, animagi lessons! that's such a rad idea and i can't wait to see where you go with that

i love the character of astoria (i'm sorry, this is such an all-over-the-place review!). i love how complicated you've made her and her interactions with others, and i really like the way that you've portrayed her disorders. you haven't made it ridiculously overt but it's just there, which is the perfect balance. i really like that she has ways to calm herself down as she's alone, and i love how she struggles to keep herself in check around others, and yet rushes off to help someone without a second thought if they need it ♥ she's an amazing character already and i can't wait to see where you go with her

oh, i'm so interested to see how you deal with the return of you-know-who in america! i wouldn't generally think that voldemort would have supporters so far away but it's a really fascinating subject, to think about how voldemort could have affected america, and who knos, maybe all that time harry was hunting horcruxes voldemort was gallavating around all fifty states and collecting bumber stickers! okay, so probably not that, but you get the message, i hope

i feel like i should tell you that the only "similar story" i can see down the bottom of the page is elisabeth's hamartia, which, to be honest, is my goal in life.

and last thing i'm going to say before signing off this monster is that i love love love that you're touching on race in this story and gah i so want to see how race affects their lives in america (hopefully in positive ways as well, and not just awful prejudices pink pony-boys calling them awful names) (pink pony makes such a cutting insult)

oh, i lied, i think i have one more thing to say; i think you forgot to close a bold tag or something in your a/n, because everything on the page afterwards is bold and i don't think it should be


♥ emily

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Review #20, by BookDinosaur Prologue

19th August 2015:

(and also, just for future reference, i wrote erin with a great many i's in there, so if it comes out as just ERIN it's my computer/the grey box being funky with me. i wanted to make sure that you knew how i intended to write your name)

SO. SO. this STORY. i've been meaning to read it for ages especially when i saw that it was for jess' diversity challenge bc let's face it, more diversity in fics is always a good thing. and oh, i'm so so glad that you decided to take this diversity in a direction that was to do with mental illness because as much as all diversity is needed in fics, i feel as though mental illness is really glossed over and i'm so so so glad that you chose to focus on that with your main character

and bipolar disorder as well - i know so little about it and i suspect that what i think i know is stuff that i actually don't know at all, so i'm really super duper interested to see how you write it in this story! i'm sure that, as always, you will do a stellar job (no pressure or anything, tho >:D )

aw man, i feel so hard for astoria right now. like, she's only such a small wee baby, what did she ever do to deserve this :( i can only imagine how awful it must be to go through life with an undiagnosed mental illness and not being treated for it or anything, and i'm glad for astoria that she's at least been diagnosed and kinda knows what's going on? ahhh, i can already tell she's going to have to be so incredibly strong for this and you're probably going to break her down and gah erin no you are cruel

and awh, that parting line about the last thing she saw being daphne's sneer! i hate that so much - not your writing or anything, ofc, but because i headcanon the two sisters as so close and it breaks my heart to think that they might be pitted against each other or that daphne would hold her sister in contempt like that. gah, emily, this is not your story. calm down. i'm sorry

and agh, astoria! i suppose it's kind of pointless to ask her how she didn't notice her friend lying on the grass as she ran - in a way, though, i think that made it even more heartbreaking, the fact that she honestly had no idea what was going on and that she was just running, running, running, and just thinking her best friend was right behind her :( you truly are cruel

and oh, man, i loved loved loved all the prejudices that you brought up in the story, with hector greengrass being a mean and grudging old man who doesn't want to be asociated with muggle medicine whatsoever - i mean, it's so heartbreaking to think that he would kick his own daughter out so easily, you know? but at the same time it's definitely realistic and i really love the way that even now, even this early into the story and when voldemort hadn't returned yet, you showed the prejudices that riddle the wizarding world

ahh, and astoria's being sent to america! poor baby D: i bet she's going to meet some interesting characters, tho, and i'm so excited to see where you decide to take this story!

♥ emily

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Review #21, by Penelope Inkwell Chapter 1

15th August 2015:
Hey! I'm back!

So, first off, I'm really impressed by your ideas so far about the American wizarding school that Astoria is attending. I missed which one it is, though. Is this the Salem Witches' Institute? I thought it must be, because Pooja mentioned Maryland, but I wasn't totally sure.

Anyway, you've got some really interesting magical headcanon. I love the idea of a class for would-be Animagi! And the fact that they call Professor Ferdinand "Ferdi" really adds a dash of realism to the whole thing.

I'm glad that Astoria seems to have good friends, though I'm sad that they haven't tried very had to find out what has her feeling particularly down, of late.

And Astoria is awesome! Already saving the day. I like how you've made her more complicated than someone who is just mopey. She's having a hard time, and dealing with a difficult illness, and trying to stave off negative feelings. She's dealing with a lot, but when she sees that someone needs help, she absolutely does not hesitate. And she's totally badass! Someone make that girl a prefect--or whatever the Americans have--next year!

So, she's Black and Chinese? Even more diversity than I first realized! How fabulous!

It's really interesting to imagine the effect Voldemort's regime might have had on the American Wizarding Community. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with that.

The Dark Lord is back. Stay safe. Take your medicine.
--Honestly this made me laugh. "Just thought I'd drop you a line: evil has returned. Don't forget to wear a sweater!" It's such a mom note. Still, it makes me really sad that Astoria is so estranged from her family. I wonder if her father is behind it, or if Tanisha suspects that her daughter is safer if she has less contact with the U.K. while Voldemort is on the rise? It seems like she'd have fought for a relationship with her daughter, if no one else would have.

"Does every school have Founders with their own tricks?” asked Pooja, excitedly. “And with such weird alliterating names?
--BAhahahaha! Ohmygosh, that is a gem of a line. It really made me laugh :D

I'm just really in love with all this stuff we're learning about the American Wizarding school. I can't wait to find out how they assign Houses, or what each is like. Does Scripting have to do with this magical writing system? And man, they've got those dorms on lock. Very cool magic idea! You're so creative!


“I’m just barely meeting the required grade and with all the other things we have this year as well as our Level Ones to prepare for, I’m not sure I have the time.”
--This is a bit of a run-on sentence. Maybe, "I"m just barely meeting the required grade, and with all the other things we have this year, as well as our Level Ones to prepare for? I'm just not sure I have the time." There are definitely other ways to break it up, though. That's just one suggestion.

Durant let go of the girl, nursing his hand as a burning sensation similar to being bitten by thousands of fire hands began to spread through it.
--I think "fire hands" here was meant to be "fire ants". Nice hex, by the way!

“Hold on,” Astoria muttered, as she spotted her bag from where she’d left it earlier.
--We're in the realm of the nitpicky now (it's the world where I live, really), but I don't think you need that comma after muttered. It's not a big deal, though. I myself wayyy overuse my commas. Just thought I'd mention it.

They were supportive of You-Know-Who’s cause and were one of the few who made it clearly known to everyone else.
--Your use of "They" here contradicts your use of "one". "They...were one of the few...". Maybe, "They were some of the few..."?

So, Pooja's last name is Fernandes? It strikes me that that's really similar to Ferdinand, as a last name, which is one of the professors. Since its still so early and we've been introduced to relatively few characters, it might be good to make the names more different. That's a really nitpicky suggestion, but you don't have very many things that need fixing, so I figured I'd jump into the nitty gritty.

I'm really enjoying this story! So glad I popped over here!


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Review #22, by Penelope Inkwell Prologue

15th August 2015:
What an interesting beginning. I really know so little about bipolar disorder, and I suspect much of what I do "know" is more of a pop culture misconception. This is a very unique story idea. I certainly haven't seen it come up a lot in fic.

I love that Astoria is mixed race! Yay for diversity. I write Astoria, too, and in my version she's half Chinese. I love the Harry Potter books so much, but one thing they could have done a better job with is diversity. I'm always happy to see fics that include that.

I feel so bad for Tanisha. I don't have kids or anything, but I am a nanny, and I know the mommy wars are 100% real. That disdain you created in Mrs. Flint was on point--that sort of looking down your nose at the way people parent, and poor Tanisha is just trying her best. Astoria is so young! I think you really nailed that, "What do I do?" feeling that she, as a mother, would have in this situation, and the desperation to help her daughter in any way possible.

CC: I might suggest having one less "Ana, Ana, Ana" cheer. It did a good job of indicating that Astoria doesn't know quite when to stop, and is a little out of control, but I think it would do just as well minus one, and might flow a little better.

The other thing is, I can't tell exactly what happened to Ana? Did she just get worn out trying to keep up with Astoria? That's not in any way Astoria's fault. It didn't seem odd necessarily that Mrs. Flint would blame her for it--some parents are like that. But it seemed a little strange that, under these specific circumstances, Tanisha didn't defend her daughter a bit more. Astoria really doesn't seem to have caused anything here. The fact that Anabeth didn't know when to stop running doesn't really seem like it could reasonably be blamed on her friend.

I'm really interested to see what you're going to do with this fic. I'm glad you sent it over to me. I'm intrigued!


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Review #23, by DaaOne Chapter 1

15th August 2015:
Hi Hi Theia !

I took great pleasure in reading this one ! I can sense some mystery/secret building up here !

So the pace of this story feels just right ! I love how you're just leaving the child Astoria behind in the prologue and just taking us to the now more grown up Astoria (she's fourteen now right ? if the system works like Hogwarts than she should be fouteen!) The school she is in feels a lot like Hogwarts however different (does that make sense?) I think it's a good place to have your story in !

I think Astoria still has a few issues due to her disorder but she sounds like she has a hold on things. And Voldy is back now ! What a joy !

The way you introduced her best friend and her (possibly?) new friend is very interesting ! I liked the introduction it didn't feel heavy or out of place. And we get to know a few details about Tori that we didn't get to know before, through the encounter with the two boys.

I have a feeling there's something big going on ! And, oh, does her best friend know about her disorder ? I have a feeling not ! I don't know if that's just me or she doesn't have any clue what's going on here !

I think it's a bit sad that Tori doesn't hear of her family ! Where does she go when summer is in and it's summer break ? Does she have a foster family ? or she stays with her friend ? Or maybe she stays in school ? I don't know, maybe you'd want to squeeze that in ?

Overall, I think you can do great things with this story !


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Review #24, by DaaOne Prologue

15th August 2015:
Hi Theia !

I've read so many of your stories :D and I enjoyed every single one of them ! and this first chapter was no exception !

I haven't read an Astoria fic before but I like the plot you have down here. Bipolar is definitely something very difficult to struggle with: either for the person suffering from it or for their families.

The struggle for her family to give her the medicine is definitely something you'd expect purebloods to do.. Even though her mother thinks of her daughter's best interest (I think that's very motherly like) her father is against it, because he believes in the cause.. I think if it happened to any other pureblood child it would be the same struggle..

Can I just say the healer is stupid for saying that ? haha Okay that said moving on !

I like how the story unraveled to the point where we discover Astoria was in fact sick.. It's a very good prologue and it kind of makes me wonder what might happen next to this young witch ! She has my sympathy, but I think she's better off in America haha

I guess I'll just have to read on to see what happens next



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Review #25, by merlins beard Chapter 1

10th August 2015:
Hey Erin,

This is great so far. You've included so much detail and description. It was really easy to imagine the setting and see the girls talking to each other.

I love that Astoria is a very complex character with many layers and that you have the bipolar disease in there subtly. You're not shoving it in my face (*jumps around and waves arms in the air shouting "look at me, look at me, I'm bipolar*), but you included it when it's important, but focus on Astoria rather than her disease.

I'm glad that she stood up to the bullies, it takes a lot of strength to do that.

My favourite line is Astoria counted her footsteps, keeping the pace steady, letting the numbers fill her mind and push away the sadness that was gradually creeping over her.
OCD used to calm her, that's something that has happened to me,I can usually pull myself out of anxiety similarly.

I really can't wait for the next chapter


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