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Reading Reviews for The Founders
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MercyWaters Chapter 1 - The Meadow

18th January 2016:
I really enjoy the relationship you've constructed between Godric and Salazar. It's interesting to see them as such lifelong friends, only to know what will happen to them in the future. Do publish a new chapter soon, I'd love to read!

I'm writing a Founders-era fic as well, if you'd like to take a look. It's called "The Red-Haired Badger." Happy writing! :)

Bri, xx

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Review #2, by MercyWaters Prologue

18th January 2016:
Wow! This is so intriguing. I really love your portrayal of the characters. Your writing has such a pretty flow to it, it's quite fitting for this era. Can't wait to read on. :)

Bri, xx

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Review #3, by pointless_proclamations Prologue

26th May 2015:
Hi there Princesss!

I have been meaning to review this for ages and I am so sorry it took so long! I am thrilled that you're writing it and I cannot wait to see where you go with this! :D

In the first paragraph, you set up the scene really well. It's amazing how you've got the colours in the scene--the green of the vegetation and the silver of the stream--to match the future house colours of Slytherin. That was a brilliant thing there.

The style of narration is very much like a fairy tale's set once upon a time ago and it makes your story quite entertaining to read.

I was rather surprised that Godric and Salazar are the best of friends. I am very much intrigued to know how this will continue! :D

Thank you so much for writing this story. It is amazing!

Cheers,
Em

Author's Response: Thank you, I'm glad you like it so far! The next chapter is in the works and I can't wait to get it up and I hope you enjoy it just as much.

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Review #4, by Shadowkat Prologue

21st May 2015:
Interesting start, and I liked how you deviated from the norm here. I don't think I've seen one like this before.

However, there are a few things you might want to watch out for.

Constructive Criticism time!
-
"What is it my friend?"

Here you should have a comma before "my friend", and you used my friend again the sentence after next. Try varying it up a bit and reduce repetition. :)
-
"Thank-you, Randolf and I are immensely happy.Ē

Thank you, it doesn't need a hyphen.
-
"as they had when they were just children without a car in the world."

I think it should be "care". Those pesky errors are hard to miss sometimes.
-


It also feels like you're trying a bit too hard, and you're adding just a tad too much description. Imagery is very good and extremely important, but you have to make it feel natural. It feels like you tried to pack in too much instead of letting it flow out bit by bit. This is what's called a description dump or overload. Here, I'll use your first paragraph for example and show you what you can do to make it better. I think this can be a great story, it just needs some polishing up. :)

"The Sunlight (sunlight should be lowercase) filtered down through the lush(,) green leaves that hung upon the magnificent oak -which sat-(take out which sat and put in sitting) in the middle of the beautiful, large meadow. Only the sounds of the warm summerís breeze running through the grass and the twittering of the birds high up in the forest trees could be heard for miles around. A small stream ran along the edge of the great forest and twisted deep into its depths, passing by a village that stood among the outskirts of a grand stone castle situated on the other side of the dense trees."


Now, lets show how to get rid of some unnecessary wording to make it clearer and smoother. :D

"Sunlight filtered through the vibrant leaves of a lone oak tree, sitting alone in solitude at the middle of a meadow. Not far away, a small stream could be seen running along the edge of the forest of birches and yews, twisting deep into its depths. It was here, in the Fens of England, that a legend was born, high in a castle nestled between forest and the village sitting in it's shadow. This was the home of Salazar Slytherin, a boy of noble birth whom would go on to be remembered as one of the most brilliant wizards of his age."

Some things may need to be cut out, but it's a sacrifice you sometimes have to make. Now, I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not meaning to bring you down at all! In fact, I want to bring you up! This was something we all had to learn, and it's a good thing, because think of how boring it would be to never have anything you can grow and improve on! Isn't that why we put out stuff out there, in hopes of becoming better and to improve as writers?

All in all, I really enjoy the direction you're going here, you just need to watch a few things. Do that and I'm sure it'll be amazing!

Again, don't feel bad. I have faith in you, this can be overcome!!! Because you're awesome, and that's all there is to it. Try your best, maybe get a beta, and it'll be shining in no time. ;)

Author's Response: Thank you for your kind compliments and thanks so much for letting me know of my grammatical/spelling errors - I always miss a few! I do agree with the point about the description, though I think I will leave it in just for now. It's like that because originally I was not going to have any dialogue in this chapter and only the first 4 paragraphs were going to be included - so don't worry the rest of it won't be that descriptive! It's purely because it's the prologue, though I will probably tidy it up a bit at a future date :) Thanks so much for all of your input its really helped!

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