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Reading Reviews for Revived
  
13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Dirigible_Plums Prologue

12th October 2015:
Hey,

I'm here for your requested review :)

So this fic looks promising. The quality of your writing is fabulous and I adored your descriptions at the beginning. I particularly found the variations of "the night is" lines were great.

As the prologue went on, I found my curiosity piqued more and more. What has Lily Luna gone through? What is the significance of Lily Evans-Potter? How did Lily find the Veil? Is her brain susceptible to control by the dead or is there one person manipulating her? I can't wait to find out.

I found little to no mistakes here. The only one that stands out to me and that's only because I'm British and it's a pet peeve of mine: Mum not Mom :) Furthermore, it says "Whoever is in control is showing him this memory of his daughter’s." in a section that is written in past tense.

Speaking of which, I am curious as to why you switched from first person present to third person past? I think it'd be tidier to remain with one, but I do adore the beginning. Perhaps the first part would work best as the prologue with the rest in the next chapter? But is it long enough?

I hope this helps :)

Love,

Plums xo

Author's Response: I first had the first bit in the prologue and was planing to post the second bit in the first chapter, but I thought this might be better. But you're right, it's a bit disconnected. I'll fix that :D

Thank you so much for pointing out the mistakes! I didn't really see them (My bad :( ) But I'll definitely fix those :D

I'm so glad you liked it and was interested in reading more to find out :D I sometimes tend to let the mystery go way too far. I hope I won't do that anymore.

All of your questions will be answered in due time ;) I do hope you'd stick around to find out.

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing :hug:


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Review #2, by Gabriella Hunter Chapter One

12th October 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review and it's a pleasure to be back. I decided to stop by relatively quickly this around and I'm glad that I did!

I adore this version of Lily and Hugo. I don't think that I've ever seen either of them written this way and I really like it. They both seem really mature for their ages and I liked the touch of childishness about them too, the fact that they were so eager for education was just something that stood out to me. We never really get much of that from either of them in other stories so I thought that this was a nice change, not to mention the way you've depicted Luna here. I didn't expect her to be a professor or to be quite so serious but I like that you have her teaching Alchemy instead of say, Divination because this shows that she's matured somewhat and it's actually really unique. I liked the entire conversation that she had about time too and I paid close attention to that because I have a feeling that it's going to come into play later. What I liked here though was that you set up your world and characters so effortlessly, I already fell in love with Lily and Hugo and I was completely absorbed in the others. I like the nods to the original HP as well and I'm curious to know more about everyone here. Fred and James are great and what's this? Snogging of McLaggen?! Oh, Rose. What's going to happen with this now? Hahahaha. I thought that the ending to this was very funny and while I'm sure the plot is going to have me all over the place with feels, this was a great way to really kick your story off.

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Your instinct is correct! What Luna teaches IS going to come into play. It's actually going to be a major part of this story.

Haha! There's a lot about McLaggen that's yet to come out. This whole over-reaction will be properly explained in the next chapter.

I'm so glad you liked it! This story is a little out of my comfort zone, as I'm not much of a romance/fluffy person. I'm not even that good at writing drama. So I'm really really glad to hear that it was well portrayed.

I'm editing this a bit, but after that I'll hit you with another request (If that's okay).

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. You made my day!


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Review #3, by notreallyblonde44 Chapter One

12th October 2015:
Oh looks like we’re going back in time to see what happens here…excited to see what we learn about the characters!

Again-make sure to use punctuation like periods and comma when writing your dialogue ;)

Luna Longbottom eh? Guess canon is out at this point haha. Strange, I thought she covered all the drapes, or did she open them? That bit of description was confusing, because further down she’s looking outside and she wouldn’t be able to if the drapes were closed. Either way, what Luna’s saying is cool and really important to your story I imagine. It doesn’t quite *sound* like the Luna we know in the books, this person seems very clipped and to the point with her phrasing. Maybe this is our take on a post-war Luna, but just a thought of mine. Maybe I’m not apt at alchemy, but what does Luna’s speech have to do with that subject matter? Does it really have to do with consciousness? Seems like a stretch to me…still what she’s saying is interesting and I get a sense for how it will be relevant for Lily later in the series.


No one heard Hugo and Lily laugh? And, hate to say it, but I don’t really understand why they are hiding in her classroom…because they want to learn more? Aren’t they skipping a class, wouldn’t someone be looking for them? Seems strange for 12 year olds to hide in a classroom to learn from their parents’ friend. Couldn’t they get like special lessons or something? Either way, like I said, and I agree with how they feel about Luna’s speech, so cryptic and cool. The importance of words is so true and this moment reminded me of Name of the Wind (great read!) a bit.


What is a House Captain? And interesting to see that your Scorpius takes after his father quite a bit haha.


Hmm as far as I’ve read, Lavender Brown’s death is not canon that was something they did in the movies, but was never mentioned by JK or the books. I think it’s funny that those two got married. I think it’s weird that James and Fred and everyone know about their parent’s dating history. I guess my parents didn’t really talk about their dating past until I was so much older to understand it, but I suppose it would slip out at holidays. I bet Lav Lav would be one to brag about it and talk against Hermione often, which is hilarious to consider.


I really like Lily and Hugo’s dynamics. They seem like fun, curious, and smart/aware teenagers. Very innocent and carefree. They also get themselves into mischief as their always in places where they shouldn’t be. So I bet something like that will happen later down the line. I’m curious how they’ll accomplish a ministry break in as second years, boy what trouble they’ll be in! Their good friends and they have age-appropriate banter. For me it’s so hard to capture the teenager’s mind in my writing, and I think you’ve done a great job here.

What’s also great about this chapter is the stark difference between moods. The first chapter (prologue of sorts) really sets this horrible scene or mystery and death v. life. In this chapter, you’ve got all the kids joking around and having a go at each other. Obviously the plot is going to get darker, but this contrast is important. This way we understand how things will change, how characters will develop, etc.

Outside of the comments I’ve made so far, my suggestion for future chapters is to weave in a bit more precise description. Sometime your modifiers are off, making it hard to see exactly what you want us to see. Like I have no idea where Lily and Hugo were hiding, or how, and there were a few other moments that weren’t as crisp. I think you do a good job showing the reader’s a bit more like in your prologue, so I think most description would be useful. If you have any questions or concerns, etc, feel free to drop me a PM on the forums :)

Good luck with this story, I still have no idea where you’re going with it, which is a great thing!

xx Ellie

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Review #4, by notreallyblonde44 Prologue

12th October 2015:
Hello Aleine! Thanks for being my first request, yay! You said to comment on everything I notice, so I will.

Summary: Lovely banner. It will draw readers in. I suggest moving the banner credits up or somewhere that won’t detract from your summary. I prefer really longgg summaries, so I like where you are going with yours. Short and mysterious, follows the same pattern, builds intrigue. If you wanted to simplify it further, using “I am Lily Luna Potter, the girl who survived the Veil” might actual be a really great one line. If you keep the full summary,’ awaken’ needs to be awakened ;) (same for in the story itself)

The Chapter: I notice these great lines like “The night is alive and raging” and “The night is divine and unforgiving”…etc. etc. without any periods. Makes me think they should be italicized or something? That would distinguish them from your prose, and make them more pronounced to the reader.

‘The snow has settled down to a several inches above ankle-level’ – remove the ‘a’ after ‘to’

In your dialogue, make sure you are still using proper punctuation like periods.

The emotions! Ginny is the most vulnerable I’ve seen her. In the books she’s so strong and vigilant. Here she seems at a loss and so sad. It’s a nice contrast that really shows the reader the depth of what’s happening to Lily. And what can Harry do? I’m curious what she’s begging him to do here.

Hmm. Hmm. I’ve reached the end and there’s a lot of mystery around your story and plot. You take us slowly through it, really building up the tension here. Lily seems afraid of the dark, and it’s implied she came out from the Veil? The whys and hows are endless, especially since this is a creative/new idea I’ve never read before. Can’t wait to find out what’s going on! With that last sentence: who is not alone? Harry? The modifier is unclear here.

Raw and different story you have here. I’m confused and have no idea where you’re going to go with this, but in the good way. Outside of the surface errors I mentioned earlier, you’ve got a firm grasp on how to write and really show and not tell, which is very important to making the reader feel invested in what you’re doing here. I'm worried about Lily and who's haunting her. Onward to the next chapter!

xx Ellie

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Review #5, by ScorpiusRose17 Prologue

11th October 2015:
Hi!

I am here with another review for you!

You have a lot going on in this chapter and a couple of times I found myself scratching my head wondering where this would go. There was still some confusion, but I feel that it is fine since I am sure that it will develop over time.

I am sort of creeped out at the possibilities here. You have Lily who fell through the veil... why? I don't know, but it seems like she is now possessed and Sirius is there so there is more to it then what we are being given.

The beginning is great. I loved your description and the way that you describe dying and living... WOW! I loved it! It had this hauntingly beautiful quality to it that really moved me.

It sort of jumps around between memories and occasionally it may be hard to follow. I noticed that once I began to really get a grasp of what was going on it would change again. I think it's a nice way to do it because it helps build the intrigue, but it can lead to a little bit of frustration there too. No worries though.

I didn't see anything grammar wise that stuck out or any confusing sentences that sounded weird when I read them. The only thing that sort of stood out was the jump between britishisms and nonbritishisms. You use neighbourhood, but then as the story continues and things progress you use Mom instead of Mum. It is a super minor inconsistency, but something to point out.

I am really looking forward to seeing how everything develops as the story continues.

Keep up the good work! :)

-Jenn

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Review #6, by ScorpiusRose17 Chapter One

10th October 2015:
Hi!

I am sorry that it has taken me this long to get around to reading and reviewing your story. Real life kind of went crazy.

This was quite interesting. I was a bit confused in the beginning, but I didn't read the prologue per my review request thread. I can always go back so maybe the confusion comes from me. It was mostly with what was going on in the beginning. Why were Lily and Hugo in Luna's room? Maybe that will be revealed? Maybe it already has and I need to read the prologue?

There were a couple of other places where I saw some inconsistencies with a few things. They are minor things, but I figured I would point them out.

" Since there had been no electives last year, both the sixth and seventh graders who had opted for this subject were in this class together. There were only a handful of students, most of whom were in Ravenclaw and Slytherin."

-You say sixth and seventh graders, but when you begin the next paragraph you start with describing Lily and Hugo as second years. I just think that if you are going to be consistent you should say sixth and seventh years. If that makes sense?

A couple of other things I noticed were these...

Install Quill

-I believe you meant Instant

Lily fell onto a couch in the corner of the common room, laughing, while Huge fell in next to her.

“Should we go see what’s happening?” Hug asked nonchalantly.

-These two both have Hugo's name either shortened or not spelled out right. I wasn't sure if you were going with a nick name here or not, but I figured I would point them out to you. If it is a nick name then by all means ignore this part.

Fred was this year’s House captain, while James was Head Boy. (James had been the Quidditch captain last year, and this year it was Skyler Wood. The Head Girl of the year was Amber Dolohov.)

This was confusing... You say that Fred is the House Captain, but then you go on to say that Skyler Wood is so which is it? I am assuming that Amber Dolohov is Head Girl and from Slytherin?

These are all just suggestions and things that I found. They are all minor and really can easily be polished up.

You did a great job with description and injecting humor into this chapter of your story. I had a good laugh with the "My father will hear about this!" part and I really thought it was funny about Rose and Gabriel snogging! Oh the chaos that will come from that will be epic!

Although I felt there was some confusion, I am really intrigued by this and what is going to happen. I am curious if you are meaning the veil in the department of mysteries or if there is something else or another one!

I hope this review has helped and that you don't feel I was being harsh because that isn't how I meant any of it!

Keep up the good work and let me know when you have another chapter posted please! :)

-Jenn

Author's Response: I'm so sorry for the confusion...

Lily and Hugo are second years and they're hiding in Luna's class because they're interested in something. As to why they're there and what for will be revealed in the following chapters.

Fred is House Captain. James is head boy. Skyler is Quidditch captain. James was last year's Quidditch captain.

And yes Amber is from Slytherin. There's a plot there as well which will be revealed in the future.

Hugo's name is spelled wrong. I'll fix that. Thank you so much for pointing that out :D

It's the one and only Veil in the department. That too will be revealed :D

You weren't being harsh at all. I wanted an honest review.

Thank you so much for pointing all that out. I'll edit and polish this chapter and update.

Thank you so much for the lovely review. I really do hope you keep reading!

With love and chocolates
Aleine
Xx


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Review #7, by Gabriella Hunter Prologue

10th October 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review! I'm sorry that it's kind of late, I've been really busy with real life stuff and it's been a pain. Ugh.

So, this was interesting! I was a bit confused at first while I was reading because of the different POVs but after I started to get more into the story, I really liked what you're doing here. I thought that Lily might have been going through some kind of teenage angsty sort of thing but I really like that this is so much darker. You never give away exactly what happened or what exactly IS happening but I think that's good for a prologue. It makes me want to keep on reading but I'm so curious now! What on earth is going on? I like that you used the veil here in this prologue because I don't think I've seen it being used very much and it's SUCH a mysterious part of the HP universe. You could do whatever you wanted with that idea and I'm eager to find out more about this. Lily has been trapped there? Or has she now been rescued? I got a bad feeling from some parts of this and I really like the close familial bond you gave her and the others. Ginny and Harry were especially well-done and I'm hoping that Lily hasn't been kidnapped by ghosts or something. That's so spooky!

Anyway, I think that this was a really unique and interesting start to your story! I didn't spot too many CC's either, I think you missed a period or two in the earlier paragraphs but other than that, you're all good!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review. My intention was to create as much suspense as possible. The veil is going to create so many twists :D I just hope they'll come out right.

I do need to edit this to polish it up a bit. I'll do that as soon as the next chapter is updated. Kind of in the middle of that...

Thanks again for such a lovely review. I'll repost in your thread for the next chapter.


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Review #8, by MalfoysCarolinaGirl2010 Chapter One

28th September 2015:
This one is much better. It had me laughing throughout the chapter.

I did notice some word choice errors at the beginning though. You said sixth and seventh graders instead of sixth seventh years. and you also "as not much students" should be "as not many students" but other than that good job.

I like the twist at the end with Rose snogging the child of the exes of Ron and Hermione and I'm glad you kept Lavender alive but I'm not a stickler for canon. and it's a good thing too since according to canon Luna didn't marry Neville.

This is well written and I hope you update soon. I really do want to know what happened to Lily.

Peace Love and Tacos

Tasha

Author's Response: Wow.. I really wouldn't have picked those two mistakes out... THANK YOU :O

I'm really glad you like it, and thrilled that you intend on following.

I have a one-shot in queue, once that's validated, I'll update this.

Thank you so much love. You made my day :D


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Review #9, by MalfoysCarolinaGirl2010 Prologue

28th September 2015:
Wow. This is different. And while I think you have an amazing idea for a story here I'm a little bit confused...I understand that Lily was brought back from beyond the veil (I think) but is she now possessed by the spirit of her Grandmother Lily or is she just still traumatized by what happened and what she saw? It seems to bounce around a lot and is hard to follow. Unless this was your intent and everything will be cleared up in future chapters, this might need some editing to clear up the confusion...

To reiterate, I think this is an interesting concept you have here and I can honestly say I've never read anything like it before and I do want to read more to see what happens next and if Lily gets back to normal and how all of this came to pass. I just think it needs a little more work on the backstory and character development.

Peace Love and Tacos

Tasha

Author's Response: Hey Tasha :D

When I read the story I realised how the ending might be confusing. But I didn't really know whether to clear it up then and there or to let it be until it's cleared up. But I think it's unclear in the end as to where the chapter ends, the point where Ginny is in Harry's head, or the point where Harry is in Lily's head. I'm going to edit to clear that bit out, but leave the rest of the mystery.

Hopefully that won't be that bad...

I think my problem was that I'm insecure in writing mystery because people tend to not understand what I write. But I think in trying to adapt to what people might understand, I compromised the backstory. I'll work on that :D

Thank you so much for pointing those out. My main concern is actually comprehension and character development. This helped a lot :D

Aw I'm so glad (Actually GIDDY) that you think it's unique :D I'd ship you cookies if I could :D

Thank you... A million times :D

*Hugs*


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Review #10, by Infinityx Prologue

28th May 2015:
Hi Aleine! I just read your review and then when I left a message on your profile, I saw your status update about your first story so I thought I'll head here and check it out. :D

Your story summary is really intriguing, but there's a spelling mistake which threw me off a little bit. I suggest you correct that soon so that people don't judge this by its cover. They totally shouldn't because this was such an amazing start and I'm really looking forward to seeing what comes next!

So, this was a really poetic start. There was something mystical about it throughout and the way you ended it gave me chills. :o I'm really curious about what those final three lines mean as well. The last line suggests that it's Harry's mother Lily who has come back as Lily Luna Potter. If that's the case, then I'm so curious to see how you pull this off! And the other two lines before it - I have no clue what they mean! I guess I'll just have to read the rest of the story to find out.

I love the description about the wind and the trees. It was really eerie and just beautiful.

There are a few typos in this, nothing major, but I suggest you clear those up so that they don't disrupt the flow.

Great start here, and congratulations on posting your very first story on the archives! Don't hesitate to shoot me a message once the next chapter is up, I'd love to read it! :)

- Erin.

Author's Response: Aww that's so sweet of you :D Thank you!

Yes I was told that and I need to correct it, but I have a One-Shot on the queue to be validated, so have to wait till it's done. I will correct it after that :)

I do tend to get mysterious. I am yet to find a balance between the range. Yes you'll see soon enough ^_^

You'd do that? Thanks a lot :D I'll let you know when it's up.

Yes I'll get rid of the typos as soon as I can.

Once again thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I'm so glad you liked it :D


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Review #11, by marauder lady Prologue

21st May 2015:
I really enjoyed this. I'm totally intrigued, wanting to know more!!

The language is brilliant, portraying the angst well without overdoing it which might be a bit much for a prologue.

Overall I really liked it :)

Author's Response: Hey! You read it!

:D yay

Aww you really think so? It really means a lot, coming from an author of 29 stories ;)

Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing. I'll keep you posted


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Review #12, by TreacleTart Prologue

20th May 2015:
Hi Aleine,

Wooohoo! First story posted to the archives! Congratulations! That's a thrilling feeling.

I thought this was a very good start to this story and was immediately intrigued to find out why this girl was so terrified of the world around her. I was even more curious when I found out it was Luna Lily Potter and that she had survived a trip through the veil.

Your description in this is very lovely. You really seem to have a knack for building a picture. I could clearly imagine what was happening and really feel things like the breeze against the window and the cold air. This is something that I really value in writing. I like vivid images, so that really stood out to me.

Now, I always like to leave just a bit of constructive criticism if I can because I feel like we're all here to improve. I noticed a few typos in the story summary as well as the story. If you get a chance to edit this you may want to go through and clean some of them up, particularly in the story summary. None of them were anything major and it all appeared to be things that are easily overlooked during an edit.

All in all, I think this was a really nice start. I'm very curious to see where you take this.

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Hey Kaitlin. Thank you so much for the review :D

About the summary, yes... I had some issues figuring out the copy paste format on here. But I think now I can handle it. I'll run through it again :) Thank you for pointing that out.

This is actually completely out of my safety zone. I can't think of anything scary... It keeps me uip for days. But I realised that that fear itself comes out realistically in my stories because I actually feel it.

So I'm really excited about this story too :D Hope you would follow and that I wouldn't disappoint you.

Thanks again :D


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Review #13, by cherry_pop94 Prologue

20th May 2015:
Hi Aleine!

First of all, congratulations on posting your first story here! It's a big accomplishment!

This prologue seems quite interesting so far! You've set a very mysterious mood for this story and I'm not quite sure what to expect! Your prose is written extremely well also, especially in the opening paragraph and describing the children playing outside.

The ending is quite intriguing as well. I'm wondering if you mean that Lily has come back from the dead? It's a very fascinating topic for a Next Gen and definitely nothing I've ever seen before! It's also a curious choice to make her so young and have already faced such a traumatizing moment. I'm very excited to see how you deal with her youth here.

Just one question though. You said in the third paragraph that they returned to Godric's Hallow from Hogwarts two months ago, but it's winter. I'm wondering how that could be since I assume their holiday is only about two or three weeks at Christmas.

Other than that, I thought it was a fantastic chapter! Once again, congratulations on a your first story!

-Stefi

Author's Response: Hello Stefi. Thank you so much for taking the time to review. It is much appreciated :)

About the holidays, I'm trying to create a scenario there as well. I hope it would come off all right... Well we'll see about that :D

I'm so glad you like it. Like I told Kaitlin, this is completely out of my safety zone (Because I'm a scared y cat). But when I started it, it felt so natural and it all came rushing out, as if it's been there in my head all along...

I really hope you would continue to read this.

Once again, thank you so so much for the review. First story and all... And I'm already really really excited :D


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