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7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LadyL8 To Hell With Them

9th August 2015:
Hello There.

I'm Lotte, and I've been trying to read stories by new authors at HPFF. So that's why I'm here to read yours. I know this is your first story, so I'll definitely try to be nice to you. However, as I'm a writer myself, I will give some CC, but it's only to help you reach your full potential. And it'll be well packed in between lots of praise, so hopefully you won't hate me too much for it.

Now starting from the top. I like the summary. It's intriguing and it makes me want to read the story. I like that you don't say who the person is, that you keep it a little bit mysterious. That's definitely something you should keep doing in summaries, cause it makes it so much more interesting.

Now, you've already said you struggle with spelling and punctuation. I'm not going to comment a lot on that, but I will give you some small pointers that can help you a lot. It's more tips than anything really, and I could make a big a difference writing wise.

First of all, I always use an online spell/grammar checker when I write (I'm not a native English speaker either). It's my secret, and I've never revealed it before now. You can easily find one just by google-ing "English grammar checker". It'll point out small stuff you've done wrong, like for example - and this is one thing I always mess up - then/than and is/are. It really is a smart tool to help you, so I recommend just copying small paragraphs of your work into it and fixing your mistakes (it actually show you what it's suppose to be).

Second tip. I don't know if you're a member of the forums, but even if you're not you can read the topics you'll find over in Flourish and Blotts - The Fundamentals. These are amazing topics that help you understand the basic of grammar, dialogues and punctuations etc. I use them all the time, and I promise you they're really good (or you can join the forums of course, if you're not a member already. Feel free to contact me then - I'm LadyL8 over there as well, and I'm more than willing to help you out)

But enough about grammar. Over to the actual story. I like the idea. It's a very serious theme - Harry is considering suicide after all. And I've had some personal experience with people in a bad place like that, so I can definitely relate. I think your description is really good most of the time, but I kind of miss a little bit more emotion I guess. I can see what Harry is wanting to do, but what is it that makes Harry want to do it? Why does he want to end his life? It's a very drastic and very serious decision, so something must've happened right. You mention shortly that he's had a lot of bad things happening to him, but maybe you could possibly show it a little bit more. Like - and this is just an example - if Harry could imagine the bodies of everyone he loves that are dead, maybe he's telling himself that "it's my fault". I don't know... something like that.

But I think his friends' concern are really believable, and I like that it's Hermione that ends up finding him. I can totally see that. She does seem like the one that would eventually just get up and look for him, worried like crazy. So that's very belivable. And yeah, I'm a sucker for Harry/Hermione friendship, so I definitely loved it.

Now, I have to say that for a first story, this is really impressing. It might not seem it from everything I say above, but if you'd read my first story (that was deleted ages ago), you'd know how good it is in comparison. Everyone's first story is bad - I've yet to many members that liked their first one, but it was the story that helped them become greater/better writers. And I see lots of potential here, it's just about making small improvements here and there. Your description of the physical - what we can see - is really good most of them time, and that's something I'm not good at. That's definitely you're strenght.

What you could work on besides grammar - because you already know about that one - is making sure the emotions come fully across. We - the readers - must know why the character does what he does, or we're not going to connect to the story in the way you want us to. And we're not going to feel like we know the characters either, and that's important in order for a story to be liked.

But as I said, there's lots of potential here. The idea is good, and I can imagine Harry being in such a dark place after the war. He has gone through a lot after all, so I find it to be realistic. With small changes here and there, I honestly think it can end up being a throughly great story. So don't stop writing. You really have something here, but you just need to make small improvements here and there. I think that'll come with time, as well. So yeah, I'm excited to see more of your work later on, and to see how you'll grow as a writer. Good job on your first story, and I hope to see more from you soon :)



Author's Response: Hi Lotte
This is the 2nd time i have done this as i have been trying get back to you for your review site would not let me for some strange reason.
All i can say is wow what a great review and i thank you from the bottom of my heart and no i would never hate anyone reviewing good or bad ones espesh the bad ones but i have been lucky so far ie no bad ones but the day is still young as they say lol.
So as you say from the top lol yes i do have a spell checker and it helps from time to time but i have dyslexia so it is really hard for me , I have had offers to help edit my story so will keep that in mind and try to do my best.
As for the forums i have been trying to get on to that but for some strange reason it wont let me but saying that it is prob me doing something wrong knowing me lol but will try again just for you as would really like to talk to you more if that is ok with you ?.
I'm really glad you like the story so far and yes it is going to be a very dark one and a lot will come out in the 2nd chapter as to why it made harry think of taking his own life but mione will help him out of that and other things as you will see a dark side to her too but i always thought that jk got that wrong and harry and mione are better together and never did like ron and gin but the rest are ok ish again see the 2nd chapter lol.
As for the rest i will try and do better and i thank you for the cc it can only make me better i hope.
I will try and get the 2nd chapter finished sometime this week as i'm off work and i very much hope you will review again and let me know what you think.
Once again thank you for that great review and i hope to speak to you soon by for now and have a great week to come.
Bruce x

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Review #2, by WeasleyFangirl To Hell With Them

6th August 2015:
I think you did a great job on this. It's a good idea for you start with. I would suggest building from here because you want to stick to the intended plot and purpose.

Author's Response: Hi
Thankyou for the great review and for reviewing in the 1st place.
I'm glad you like the story so far and will take your advice on board and will do my best thanks once again.
Bruce x

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Review #3, by LilyPotterEvans1976 To Hell With Them

6th August 2015:
It's an interesting start, but as you said the spelling and grammar needs work, do you have spell check on your writing programme. That said, I like where you are going with this, and I hope you write more, we need more Harmony stories :)

Author's Response: Hi
Thankyou so much for reviewing means a lot i've only had 3 so far yours makes 4 and after 100 plus more viewings it's a bit down heartening but i will keep going.
I know ie spelling and grammar is my downfall but i have an editor now thank god but just have not had the time to do my 2nd chapter but will try this weekend if i can.
But other than that glad you did like the storyline and it's a defo a mione/harry story think jk got that wrong me thinks.
Once again thank you for reviewing you take care by for now.
Bruce x

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Review #4, by Green_Eyes_Bushy_Hair To Hell With Them

17th July 2015:
I am sorry for coming late to this party lol. I am have been super busy these past days.
I find you story really intriguing. The fact that Harry is feeling suicidal breaks my heart, he has had too much to deal with all his life. I get that you are going to continue this so i am really eager to know more as to what Harry is going to tell Hermione and why does she hate Ron. As a new writer like you i feel for you. It can be daunting to write when there are so many awesome writers out there. But we will get better too. You can really create an emotional environment very well. Just few grammar and spelling mistakes but other then that it is a promising forest chapter. Do continue to write friend. Hope to read more soon:)

Author's Response: Hi There Again
Wow thankyou so very much for the great review and the kind things you said. Yes i'm not great at spelling and grammar that's my weak point and that's what's kind of holding me back i've had an offer of a editor but not sure how to go about doing that ie sending the story not really computer savvy (old age ish lol) but after your kind word's i will have a go at a 2nd chapter and see how i go. Yes harry has had a hard life and surprisingly turned out the way he did not dark and bitter , But in this story i'm doing i'm going to try and portray that and he's had enough of people running his life behind his back and with help from hermione's he wont go o.t.t but he will get even with all who have hurt him. Herms doz not hate ron per-say but she knows something is going on with him ginny and molly to do with harry (sorry ron and gin and dumbledore not my favs and will get a lot of bashing lol). As for the emotional environment were i live is by the sea and love going out in storms with my dog on the beach (nuts right lol) and remember what i feel and taste and try to get that down in words glad i got something right eh lol. So as i say i will have another go and see how we go and once again thankyou so much for reviewing it made my day and can not wait for more chapters and story's from you as well. Have a great week to come and by for now but not for to long i hope.
Bruce x

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Review #5, by FawkesThePhoenix To Hell With Them

9th July 2015:
I really liked this, like you said you spelling and punctuation is the part that is letting you down. If you want help with that, email me your work and I will check it for you? Obviously you might already have a beta but if you ever need to, fawkesthephoenix1 @ outlook . com (had to put spaces to allow it to post)
Keep up the good work :) xx

Author's Response: Hay There
Thanks for that made my day and defo take you up on that if that's ok ?. As i have not got a beta been asking but had no joy so far so thankyou. I might carry on with it now and send you it as i'm hopeless with punctuation spelling not great too lol. Thankyou for the review and glad you like it and will try my best with it. Thankyou once again your great have a good one and talk soon.x

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Review #6, by SiriusAura92 To Hell With Them

25th May 2015:

While your story is very interesting, as you already know, the spelling and punctuation really does leave little to be desired.

Might I suggest looking for a Beta reader on the forums to help you as I think you could benefit a lot from it.

Good story and once you learn how to go over your stories with a fine tooth comb, I have little doubt it could become a great one.

Always Keep at it!


Author's Response: Hi There
Thankyou for your advice on that i'm sorry about the mistakes i will try harder next time. I've been trying to log in to forums but for some reason it wont let me on and yes i very much so need an editor Fancey the job ? he he. But in the mean time i will try my best next time also thankyou for kind words on the story itself i just hope i will get ther in the end and become better in time. You take care and thankyou so much for taking the time to reviewing my story by for now.
Bruce x

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Review #7, by Elf_fawkes To Hell With Them

21st May 2015:
Hey! I really like it. I am very excited to find out what in the world is going on with Harry. You should keep going for sure. The only thing I can really think of is quotation marks. They would really help people be able to read it better. Other than that I think you are doing a great job and you should keep going. I can't want to find out what happened.


Author's Response: Hi Wow you read it thankyou so so much. And also thankyou for your kind words and glad you like't it. Its not a patch on your story your so much better than i ever will you have a great talent please going. As for the quotation marks i'am not great at them but will try my best could prob do with a editor fancy the job ? lol. Will try and do the next chapter next week hope you will look out for it maybe. Take care and thankyou so much for reviewing by for now.
Bruce x

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