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2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Pixileanin A Trucido is Born

27th June 2015:
Hi there! I had to check this out. The summary seemed so interesting.

Oh and by the way, House Cup 2015 - Gryffindor.

So, lots of history going on in the beginning. I haven't read the early version of this story, but I know how daunting a rewrite can be, and I commend you for committing to such a task. Generally, it does make the story better, so kuddos to you for going through all the effort.

Okay, so introduction thing. You have a very interesting premise. I am excited to see how all of this history plays out in your story. I'm not sure all of that information was needed. With the second scene, you could probably find a way to bridge it better, because I was a bit confused in the first few sentences by who I was reading about. I don't know why this was, since when I read the transition a second time I was all, "oh yeah, why didn't I see that?"

Maybe it was a little rushed... the transition into the scene? Also, I had a question. If the Trucido's had "died out", why would they still be looking for a Trucido at birth? It wasn't clear to me that the world William was in was the same world that was in danger of the vampire creatures. I think that's where I got lost in the narrative.

Also, with the format of this, I didn't have this sense of urgency that William was living in a time where Trucido babies would be sought after.

Anyway, enough of that. I enjoyed the premise of this, and you did ask for input on anything that was confusing, otherwise I would be the type of reader to wait for the next chapter to see what happens. I'm a patient reader, so details can be dolled out slowly and I don't mind so much.

Speaking of... is there a second chapter coming soon?

Pix

Author's Response: Hey Pix!

Yeah, this most definitely needs to be redone (a makeover complete with liposuction type of redoing). I was so exciting to be writing after so long after having my mini-me that I think I jumped the gun. I've reread it and it makes little sense to those who haven't already started reading Everto, which this is supposed to replace... so, that wasn't great on my part :).

Your confusion is absolutely understandable. This sucked. Really, it did, and it has to be re-written, but that's okay. I'm also super happy that you've pointed out the bits that you were lost on, because that let's me know where I need to put some extra work into.

To answer a few of your questions:
1. The Trucidamus-detection was automatic, functioning similarly to the way the Ministry detects magical babies, but it was never undone.
2. William is the HP-verse. Cruor Terra is the world with the vampire-ish creatures are. It's super confusing in this, I know, I'm sorry. The worlds can be connected via portal (typically created using alchemy).
3. William's sister was born with the dominant Trucido trait, who would pass it on to her daughter, Grace.
4. William and Jude are James Potter's (I) parents, and I'm not sure I made that clear either.

Er, yeah. :D This needs to be redone. I apologize for the giant, confusing infodump you read through, but thanks for reviewing!

I do appreciate it :).

-Rumpel


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Review #2, by Hogwarts27 A Trucido is Born

9th April 2015:
Oh, I'm first to review! Well first off, let me applaud you for getting any writing at all done with a baby around. When I saw your forum post about this chapter of the new version being up, I came to check it out.

The first thought that came to mind is that this really feels like more of a prologue than a first chapter. There's a short character scene at the end, but the bulk of this chapter is mostly background information. If this were my story, I probably would be calling this the prologue rather than chapter 1, just to delineate out all that backstory, but that's up to you.

Having read the first version, I could follow the history, but I agree with your author's note that this might be confusing for a brand new reader who didn't have past exposure. And the writing itself is pretty dense, so it's a concentrated read as well.

I'll be honest to say that I've always been a reader who has little patience for reading history or lengthy character backstory - even when it's done by renowned writers like Tolkien and JK Rolwing.

That said, I thought your first paragraph with the analogy to a white raven was an intriguing way to launch into the history that follows. And as a former reader, I really enjoyed the paragraph about Morticaine.

My interest peaked when the characters appeared in the chapter, and I was surprised by the ones that did because this was a new place to start the story. Having been treated to some of your fabulous writing in Everto 1, I'm curious to see how this version will develop.

Author's Response: Hey there! Thanks for stopping by! (I've been slowly depriving myself of sleep to have some 'me' time.)

You're absolutely right -- I had the term 'introduction' stuck in my head, when really it is a prologue. I may be adding another scene just to break up the heaviness of the background information, but that's still in the works.

I had played with the idea of breaking up the history with some actual scenes involving character introduction and interaction, but I was afraid that it would make the flow choppy. I suppose if I at least tried it, I could then get a feel for how it would read, and possibly make this chapter slightly more fun. I'm a huge fan of dialogue, and that's something that this chapter is seriously lacking.

My analogy with the white raven almost seems pointless, though I left it because I thought it was fun and tied in a bit to the history.

I think I need to work on this chapter more, and I'm sure, in a state of needing sleep, that I jumped the gun in posting it.

At any rate, hopefully I can get this chapter worked out a bit more and pick up the story better in the next chapter.

Thanks so much for your review!

-Rumpel


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