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Reading Reviews for Glass
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane A New Beginning

8th April 2015:
I love next generation mysteries, so this sounds interesting. And your title is intriguing. I am trying to think what it could refer to.

I do think your summary could give a little more information. There's nothing really to distinguish this from any other next generation mystery from Albus's point of view. I wouldn't even know it WAS a mystery if it wasn't for the genres. I know mysteries can be REALLY hard to write summaries for, as a lot of the important information is something you don't want to give away, but you might get more readers if people had some idea as to what might happen. Is something going to threaten Albus? Is he going to come across a mysterious teacher? Is there some sign of a Dark revival?

Oh! Albus is in his fourth year already. I assumed it would be a first year fic. This is interest, as we're going to be thrown right in to the story, with things like the houses each character was sorted into already known.

That's actually something you could include in your summary. Something like "Albus doesn't expect his fourth year to be much different from those that went before, but..." and then an indication that something mysterious is going to happen.

You've done a good job of giving us a fair amount of information in the couple of paragraphs. That's important when this fic takes place so long after the epilogue. We already know how old Albus is, that Rose and Scorpius are friends and will possibly become more, that Hugo loves Quidditch, that McGonagall is Headmistress. and that she has opened up Quidditch to first years.

I like the fact that you've already indicated something at Hogwarts has changed a little. It helps indicate the passing of time and it makes sense, as McGonagall was certainly impressed with Harry and we know she loves Quidditch herself, so she'd probably have like to have been able to play herself when SHE was in first year.

One thing minor, but when you're putting a story up online, it can help to skip a line between each paragraph, just to make it easier for your readers to read. A large block of text can look kind of daunting.

Also, when the characters are talking, it can get a little confusing as to who's speaking if you don't have them do anything OTHER than talk. Like you could include a little about what Albus is thinking when Scorpius keeps avoiding answering him or some sign of amusement when Scorpius admits he doesn't know what "procrastinating" means. Like "I chuckled at his admission, but had no intention of allowing him to deflect me from my purpose. 'Answer me.'"

I'm guessing Albus and Scorpius are in Gryffindor, since you've kind of ruled out Slytherin and Gryffindor.

I'm getting a real impression of the personalities of your main characters and of the relationships between them. Scorpius and Albus seem to tease and mess around with each other a lot, but I get the impression Albus is really concerned about him behind it.

I'm looking forward to meeting the teachers who've replaced people like McGonagall (since it sounds like she's not Headmistress) and all the Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers and maybe Charity Burbage too, if Albus does Muggle Studies. I've just realised he'll have already started his optional subjects, which may give you the opportunity to introduce even more new teachers, depending on which subjects he is doing. Or to just build on people like Vector that we don't know much about.

A good opening chapter that gives us a lot of the background we need without doing so in a way that sounds boring or unrealistic. Like it'd be unrealistic if Albus started thinking, "I am in fourth year and I am friends with Scorpius." It can be hard to cover three years of information without lapsing into stuff like that, but you've done it.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your input. I'm just stoked that within one day someone has already read my story. I will most definitely add some action between speech, you're right, it must be really difficult to follow what''s actually going on without paragraphs. Thanks so much. I will certainly take everything into account and hopefully change something in the summary to help other readers.

Thanks again!

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