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Reading Reviews for Muggle Affairs
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by StarlightAsteria Chapter 2

20th July 2015:
Hi Jayna!

I'm here for our review swap! :) I love the premise of this story - I really like anything to do with spies/covert operations, and the more secretive sides of government, and so the idea of covert wizard involvement in WWII, I think really quite a fantastic one.

The idea of the British destroying the US atom bomb is interesting - I don't think I've ever seen it before but I can definitely see why the British might have thought of the US atom bomb as a bit of a problem, what with the US coming into the war really late, so for a fair part of the war it really was Britain vs. occupied continental Europe and Nazi Germany, so I can see how there would be a lot of anger towards the Americans.

I would say, though, that remember that the Nazis were also developing the atomic bomb - it was a race between Germany and the US. The US won, but the Nazis came pretty close. The Nazis with the atomic bomb - now that would have been a disaster - and in that case, I'd imagine there would be a fair amount of discussion as to who posed the greater threat, and internal divisions amongst the British, but that's just my opinion.

To give your story greater depth, I'd think about using devices such as newspaper reports, for example. For your characters, there's a great thing called the Proust questionnaire, and I'd recommend filling them out as your characters (it's also rather fun). These are just some ideas - feel completely free to disagree with me :) I also try and do face claims for each one of my characters - I find that helps, it gives me a clearer idea of their physicality, the kinds of clothes they wear etc.

I do think that your characters are interesting, esp. Leilani. How did Leilani and Johnny end up practically being raised together? I also think that you could expand on Leilani and Johnny being reassigned, maybe being briefed in person, by their head of department and a nuclear scientist or something? Leilani being reassigned mid-mission is a good idea, that immediately ratchets up the tension.

If you've ever read any John le Carré, or seen some of the films made of his books (the relatively new Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy film is particularly good), I'd really recommend them - it's the best spy/covert operations writing I've ever read.

I genuinely think you've got a great premise here, with interesting, likeable characters, and I think this is going to be a smashing thriller of a fic! And yeah, I'm always open to having a chat via PM, if there are any ideas etc you want to have a second opinion on :)

Celi xxx

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Review #2, by LastMinuteLuna Chapter 2

1st June 2015:
Hello again!

Here for your final review for The Pass It Along Challenge! You should know by now that I'm LastMinuteLuna.

I'm glad to see that Johnny is safe and alright. You had me worried in the last chapter that something might be wrong even though she had a letter telling her otherwise. For some reason, it just all had a very ominous feeling. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but it really added to the suspense of the story.

I like that the main character is slightly impulsive. It adds to the spontaneity of it all. It's hard to figure out what she's going to do next and that really kept me on my toes.

In your author's note you mention wanting some advice on how to build some depth in your characters and make the story more interesting. I actually think the plot line is interesting already, so I'm going to focus on how to build your characters a bit more. Following this are a few suggestions.

1. Pull in a bit more internal thought from the main character. I get the clear feeling that she has romantic feelings towards Johnny, but how does that affect her.

2. Use more description. (This can be in regards to the characters or the scene) Try using all 5 senses. Touch, Sight, Smell, Sound, Taste.

3. Build up the conversation a bit. We've had a nice introduction to their characters with the banter back and forth, but in future chapters, use the dialogue to bring up information.

All in all, I think you've got the makings of a good story here. As I've said previously, the plot is certainly intriguing.

Again, I'm sorry that I've been such a poor Secret Santa, but I hope I'll be able to make that up to you.

From,
LastMinuteLuna

Author's Response: Hello! Wow, this response is a full year late! I think that makes me a lot more last minute than you! Anyway, as I've said in previous responses, even though I doubt you'll ever read these, thank you so much Kaitlin for coming over and leaving me these reviews when my secret santa was unable to.

Anyway, although it's hard for me to believe that I've been enjoying this site for over a year, your advice regarding character depth is something that I took head of early on, right after you left this review, so thank you for that. I think that those points have really helped make some of my more current pieces stronger.

You talked about how the story has an ominous, suspenseful feel, and although that wasn't intentional per say, it kind of was. Basically, the genre of the story made the mysterious tone kind of pop up by itself. I'm glad you like Leilani's spontaneous nature, and it was really fun to write as I am so different from her.

Once again, thanks for dropping by and for setting up such a wonderful event!

-Jayna


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Review #3, by LastMinuteLuna Chapter 1

1st June 2015:
Hello there!

It is I, LastMinuteLuna, rushing through at the very last minute to finish your reviews. (I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to get here)

I love the concept of the magical world being involved in the affairs of the muggle world. I mean with a war on the scale of World War 2, I feel like they would've had to have been involved. I mean things like genocide, concentration camps, and atomic bombs would definitely affect wizards as well as muggles.

I'm really curious about this new handler and the whole announcement of the assignment. Since your main character classifies it as "her first mistake" I wonder what might be about to happen. The whole chapter really created some suspense, mystery, and intrigue. I thought it was really well done.

I love the concept of Wizards trying to stop the atomic bomb from being deployed, although I feel like it would drastically reshape the outcome of the war. From my limited knowledge of the war, I think it's possible that the American's would've won the war in the Pacific without the atomic bomb since Japan was short on troops and resources by that point, but from what I understand it would've cost a million more Amercian and Japanese lives.

I'm very curious to see where you take this story. I really like the overall concept and direction. My only small suggestion would be to fill in some of the sensory descriptions as you continue. Otherwise, good work!

~Kaitlin

Author's Response: Hi again!

I'm so glad that you think the concept makes sense. After all, most wizards did live at least partially in the muggle world.

Thank you so much for the compliment! This was my first fic and my first time writing in a while, and I'm so glad that there was suspense and intrigue.

While it definitely would reshape the war, at least a little bit, that's part of the story. It's sort of a what-if story. If the wizards got involved in the war, how would the world be different?

I will definitely try to add some more description when I eventually get around to continuing this story. Thanks for the review!

-Jayna



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Review #4, by Freda_and_Georgina Chapter 2

9th May 2015:
Though that was short, short isn't always bad. I wish you would explain the whole draining-power thing , and I do hope we can meet Johny's cat; I think it would be hilarious if it were a fat and lazy cat. I also am looking forward to seeing any difference between American and British wizards. Keep working on this story, it has potential.

--Georgina

Author's Response: Hi again! I will definitely add some more detail in about that. I'm very excited that you think this story has potential. Thanks for reviewing!

-Jayna


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Review #5, by Freda_and_Georgina Chapter 1

9th May 2015:
Alright, that was fairly interesting. I'm wondering where Leilani is now, definitely not America if she's looking after some prince. And I'm very intrigued what's going on here. World War II is one of the most interesting things from history. So I believe this chapter (and story) is after Germany surrendered but Japan was still going strong so the US made the bomb to just end it all (let me know if I'm wrong).

Very curious premise and first chapter. Moving on now.
--Georgina

Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad that you thought it was interesting. I'm not very good with World War Two (I basically read parts of the Wiki page), but yes, that is around when this story is set. Thanks for dropping by!

-Jayna


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Review #6, by marauderfan Chapter 1

18th April 2015:
Review Tag! :)

I love stories set in the World War II era, so this fic immediately caught my eye. It's such an interesting idea to explore - how wizards would have reacted to all that was going on in the Muggle world which, I imagine, was quite hard to avoid despite how rarely wizards associate with the Muggle world at all.

I'm really curious what happened to Johnny, and how the rest of Leilani's assignment with this new person will go. They're off to a bit of a rocky start. But wow, they're going to destroy the evidence and documents of the atomic bomb?? Since one has already been detonated, are they going to have to wipe people's memories of it, or go back in time and change it?!? So many questions hehe but I love 'what-if' stories and the premise of this is so intriguing! Great chapter!

Author's Response: Hi! Firstly, thanks for the compliments. This is my first fanfic so I really appreciate all the nice comments. I got this idea from when I read Year of the Hangman for class (it's a book about an alternate ending to the American Civil War). I haven't really thought out a lot of the details, and I didn't even consider the previously detonated bomb!

-Jayna


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Review #7, by Panacea Chapter 2

16th April 2015:
Hi Jayna

Such a wonderful and creative idea! I would personally like it if your main characters were relatives of a familiar Hogwarts character. The right ages would be Dumbledore (i assume).
I love WWII history, keep in mind when you're writing that people acted a lot more formally than we do now. But seeing as they are wizards it could be different for them? Women in the wizardry might be more equal in the 40's than muggles in the 40's.
I love the idea! You have a wonderful concept and a great descriptive flair!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for your compliments, they are much appreciated. I would rather not have the main characters be related to a canon character just because it gives me a bit more freedom.

I hadn't thought too much about the differences of the time period, but I definitely will. Thanks for pointing out some of the differences.

Thanks for the kind words,

Jayna


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Review #8, by 800 words of heaven Chapter 1

25th March 2015:
REVIEW TAG.

For a first fanfic, your subject material is quite intense, which has me very impressed! Thanks to Agent Carter, I'm on a bit of a World War II bender, so this was right up my alley.

Spies! Plots! Limited magic! Two already close people who are going to become even closer! What more could you really want in a WWIII AU story?

This first chapter is quite brief, but I think its brevity suits the mood rather well. You set up the scene and the tone for the rest of the story, giving us enough of an idea of the plot to keep us intrigued. As a happy bonus, we get to meet two characters already. I'm looking forward to meet Johnny in person!

I would have loved a little more description here and there, but overall, the piece reads well and there's enough there for me to imagine the scene.

A very nice start, and good luck with the rest of the story :)

Author's Response: Hey!

Thanks for the compliments! I'm so glad to hear your opinions. I'm also happy to know that the short chapter suits the mood as I was a bit worried about if there was enough for a first chapter and if it set up the story.

I'll try to add a little more imagery, but I'm so relieved that it reads well because that was another thing I was concerned about.

Thanks!

-Jayna


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