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Reading Reviews for Somebody's Heartbreak
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Emcnary Somebody's Heartbreak

30th July 2016:
Um, so I love this!!! Very sweet, makes me want to root for Fred and Hermione:)

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Review #2, by BookDinosaur Somebody's Heartbreak

21st March 2015:
Hello there! It's BookDinosaur from the forums with the review I owe you for taking part in my challenge. :D Forgive me for the lateness of this!

This is a bit fortunate, because I've just come off reviewing a George/Hermione story (also for the Songfic Challenge) and so now I get to see the different side of the same coin, no? :P

I really do like this, though. The way that you've written Fred to be concerned about Hermione thoughts and feelings towards him and how he watches her - it all seems really believable, if you get me? It definitely seems like something that canon Fred might do. And the way that you've brought out Hermione's cheekier side is really skilled as well. I can believe her doing and saying this, so you brought out this aspect of her character without causing her to go out of character which is something I always struggle with so kudos to you for that!

The song that you picked (well, it's written for a Songfic Challenge, the song had to come up eventually!) suited the story well, I think. Tonally and lyrically, the song matched the story and the story went well with the song. I know that it can be hard to keep the flow going with song lyrics constantly interrupting the story but you did a really good job with keeping the story going. :)

Hah, I just had to laugh when Fred defined having breakfast together alone as a date. Somehow that seems like something he would do just to get Hermione flustered. :P

Thank you for entering my challenge! This was a lovely piece with a pairing that I normally wouldn't read, so thank you for giving me the chance to try it out as well. Keep your eyes open for the results of the challenge, which will hopefully be on the forums soon. ♥

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for hosting the challenge. This was more fun to write than I anticipated as I've never written a song-fic before. Fred and Hermione are one of my many ships, so it was nice to have a chance to write them and to get in a break from my many Dramione fics.

xx-Ellie


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Review #3, by MargaretLane Somebody's Heartbreak

7th March 2015:
Not familiar with the song, I don't think.

Love your description in the first paragraph.

Fred's a bit of a hypocrite to be criticising Ron for getting Hermione's help with his schoolwork after only getting about three O.W.L.S. himself. Yeah, cheating on your homework is pretty silly, because you won't be able to cheat in the exam and if you hand up work that is better than your ability, you'll get an inflated idea of how well you're likely to do and of course, if the teacher thinks you already understand, they won't help you, but not sure Fred is the one to judge study skills.

I suspect he's more annoyed about Hermione being possibly taken advantage of than that Ron's exam results will be affected though.

And of course, there is only a year and a half between them. Because he's two years ahead of her and because we knew them both from the time they were quite young, it SEEMS like he's a lot older, but he's not really. He's probably 17 here and she 16.

In "'well, thank you,' she replied softly," you've put a capital "s" on "she" when it should be a small "s".

*laughs at the thought of George being mad at him for fancying somebody rule abiding* I like the way you create a degree of difference between the twins, as they often appear just two halves of a whole, and they are bound to have differences between their personalities.

You've written that Ginny said something about men marrying "their mother's". It should be "mothers," as it's a plural, not a possessive.

Good on Fred for punishing Lee for that comment. It's really creepy and borderline threatening. I know he doesn't intend really doing it and is only joking, but still.

There are parts where you use Fred's name rather a lot. It might sound better to replace some of them with "he" as he's the only male there.

I'm a little surprised Hermione's wearing perfume for an ordinary day, to be honest.

"He replied" should have a small "h" after he says "Donít want you yelling and me and telling me theyíre dangerous or unethical, is all," and there should be a comma, not a full stop, after the "all."

Same with "she said quietly" when she admits he doesn't really need his N.E.W.T.S. That's not a complete sentence on its own; it's part of the previous sentence.

I don't really think that admitting they should pursue a career they love is "not being a goody-two-shoes." Although I guess considering the career...

When she says "what are you asking me here, Fred?" there should be a comma before Fred.

I like the way she's nervous about him. It's credible.

And *laughs* The idea that being alone at a breakfast table with somebody is a date is a bit of a stretch, but it does sound like something Fred would say.

Aw, the description of the kiss is kind of sweet.

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for reviewing for me. I'll jump on those edits right away.

xx-Wolfgirl


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Review #4, by dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap Somebody's Heartbreak

4th March 2015:
Hello! Deeds here with your requested review.

More than once in the past the pretty Prefect had given in to the less than subtle hints Harry and Ron dropped to get her to help them with their homework.

Okay. Iíve never read a Fred/Hermione story before but Iím already sold because just the sheer attention to detail here and the way he examines her has baffled me. Itís actually believable and Iím floored.

Her becoming a prefect had seemed to him like it might be for the best. Heíd been sure that her position of authority would provide a barrier of unattraction between them due to his rule-breaking ways, but it seemed to have had the opposite effect.

I LOVE this part because you know what they say, opposites attract.

ďOh I knew youíd be here and couldnít deny the allure of your company.Ē

He sounds very dapper when he says this. I can actually imagine him speaking like this. Kind of flirting but joking but not really at the same time, very in character of Fred.

ďNonsense!Ē Fred declared, ďEvery minute spent with you is far better than two without you, dear Hermione.Ē

Itís cheesy and corny but even I smiled.

But we stopped, so now harm, no foul.Ē

I think you mean: no harm, no foul.

This was really surprising! I didnít think I would be so convinced but they have potential. I did feel like I was cheating a bit on my Ron/Hermione but sssh, what Ron doesnít know wonít hurt him.

Really excellent job. I thought your writing style was wonderful and it made everything easy to read. Also, the characterization of Hermione was spot on. I wish she would have been a little bit more reluctant to Fredís advances though. Just to prolong the inevitable before we got to them snogging even though you could see the chemistry between them early on.

I would give this another once over maybe in a week or two. If you edit a story yourself always give yourself some time away from it. Once itís been awhile youíll notice the typos and grammatical errors yourself. At least thatís the best advice Iíve ever gotten or to read it from bottom to top.

Author's Response: Hey,

Thanks so much for reviewing for me. I will jump on those typos. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. It was fun to write. I was going to leave it longer to prolong the snogging, but if I had I just know I'd have ended up with another novel on my hands.

xx-Ellie


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Review #5, by typewriter Somebody's Heartbreak

1st March 2015:
Hi Ellie!

When I saw that you'd written a Fred/Hermione you know I had to swing by and read it! I love Hermione with either of the twins. This was adorable. I haven't delved very much into how a relationship between Hermione and Fred would have looked like while they were at Hogwarts, but it's an interesting thought. I loved how you demonstrated Fred's adoration for her, yet you still conveyed how he was getting to know her. I think sometimes writers fall into a trap of having the relationship they're writing about be perfect, as though both characters know everything about each other, faults included. I like that Hermione was still able to surprise Fred in this. I really enjoyed reading your take! Maybe a sequel?!

Amanda

Author's Response: Hey Amanda,
Thanks so much for reviewing. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I might be able to be persuaded to do a sequel. Fremione are a lot of fun to write.

xx-Ellie


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Review #6, by tangledconstellations Somebody's Heartbreak

25th February 2015:
Heya!

I'm so sorry for the slight delay with my side of the review swap! But here I am, here I am!

Okay, first off: I am officially a Fred/Hermione convert. This was such a good story! As I was reading I was like, WHY have I never thought about pairing them before? I love that Fred kinda watches Hermione from afar and I love that its his rule breaking that kinda keeps them apart initially. I also sort of like that he notices how much Harry and Ron take Hermione for granted - it's so sweet. I never really pair Fred or George with anyone - I guess cos the books are so Harry-centric and that's not something he would think about. But this was really good - he's the perfect amount of cheeky but self-conscious for him to be believable.

One thing I did notice was that there were a couple of typos - I think another read over and you'll be able to catch them all. It wasn't really anything major, just an extra letter here or there. Also, sometimes your sentences ran on quite long. One example in particular is here: "Heíd also gone on to say that his best bet would be a quick shg in a broom cupboard if he could actually slip her a love potion or something similar to get her to even consider the idea of something so temporary and Fred had been forced to slip him a Puking Pastille before refusing to give him the antidote end of the sweet and watching him suffer whilst grinning gleefully the entire time." I think if you broke this up a little bit more it would give more a "punchline" to what you're saying. The end of the sentence was sort of lost to me because I was reading it in one great big breath - but I think once you've split it up the impact would be much greater. It's a great few lines though! I love Freds sense of humour! :)

I can picture Hermione really well in this piece, too. I think you've balanced her perfectly. She's not too bossy, she's still got that feminine charm about her. It was really lovely to read, really nice to give her an alternate few moments at Hogwarts. I felt myself sort of wishing she was a little more fiery though, maybe a little more reluctant to be wooed by Fred but nonetheless attracted to him - but maybe that's because I'm so used to her seeing her interact quite stubbornly with Ron and Harry. It would be interesting to see what you think?

Anyway, this was great and I really enjoyed reading it! :D

Laura ♥ xxx

Author's Response: Hey Laura,

Thanks so much for reviewing for me. I totally didn't catch those typos when I edited, but I'll be sure to edit it right now. And I know what you mean about the run on sentences. I do them all the time. I can't seem to control them. LOL.

I usually like to write Hermione as being a little more fiery too, but if I had this would've turned into a novel length book rather than a one-shot for the song-fic. I'll definitely get right on editing those run on sentences and the typos. I'm totally blushing over having missed them.

Thanks again for review swapping with me. I can't wait to read more of A Single Point in Time.

xx-Ellie


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