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8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Ruila muna St. Mungo's

13th July 2015:
I read it and it is so good!! Guys, read this its so amazing and descriptive!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

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Review #2, by sariah vesterfelt The Room

26th May 2015:
I thought it was very good. I actually rated it ten stars, though if it had been a million, I would have gone for that. when I found out there were no more chapters after the fifth, I was a bit disappointed, it was so good. but I know more will come, and I cant wait to read them. I thought it was pretty genius to have her bitten by a werewolf. ive just got one question: why was there only one dish of food for each dinner? overall, it was pretty good and I'm waiting with suspense for the next chapters and books. thanks for writing such a wonderful beginning to a new(what I hope) series.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! It always feels good to get positive reviews! I've got ten chapters written so far, but I can't post them, because I haven't edited them yet. I'll try to post the next one ASAP. For your question, the dish for the dinners that I put down was the main dish. There were side dishes too, but I didn't write those down. Like I said earlier, thanks so much for reviewing!

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Review #3, by MargaretLane Hogwarts

13th April 2015:
Can't believe I'm only getting around to reading this now. I love sorting chapters. It's so interesting to see where the main characters end up. It gives an insight into their characters. I can see Lily in Gryffindor actually; so far she seems to have dealt amazingly well with her condition. And I also love meeting the classmates and teachers and seeing how they're developed.

And of course, THIS story also has the issue of how Hogwarts will deal with the full moons. Even with Wolfsbane, I doubt they'd just let Lily transform in her dormitory. Apart from anything else, she probably wouldn't want her dorm mates knowing. Maybe she'll use a teacher's study or something. Or the Shrieking Shack. I expect that's something SHE'D want to know fairly early too.

Harry hasn't been at Hogwarts since the battle? That's sad. I guess he'd have no great reason to, but you'd think with both his boys there and a good friend teaching there, he'd have called there some time. I wonder if it's just because he never had reason to and didn't want to get in the way, or if he's deliberately avoiding it. It must bring back pretty bad memories after all. Poor Harry. And now he's dealing with his daughter's condition, which must be very upsetting for him too - knowing she'll go through such pain each month and possibly face a good deal of prejudice. I'm looking forward to seeing if attitudes towards werewolves have changed much since Harry's day. Or at all.

Oooh, one Death Eater is still on the run? I'm guessing you didn't mention that just in passing. I think that's a clue and that whoever it is possibly played a part in Lily's being bitten.

And as I assumed, Lily is given information about how to deal with the full moon before she starts Hogwarts. She'd have to be really. It would be too scary for her if she were waiting until the last minute for information.

I'm sorry she has to transform in the Shrieking Shack though, as it's far from pleasant.

I think you set up the situation well. Everything Madame Pomfrey says makes sense and they seem to have provided for most eventualities.

Hopefully, the injuries won't be TOO bad, as she can use Wolfsbane, so the werewolf won't attack itself. A person's whole body being transformed is bound to be painful though. Poor Lily.

Like the comment, "before Lily could say Quidditch."

While it's unlikely to arise until the next year at the earliest, I wonder if this will prevent Lily having an opportunity to PLAY Quidditch for her house. After all, she'd probably be unable to play in the days after the full moon if there was a match then.

I'd like to see a little more of the conversation that passes between Lily and her new classmates. I don't really know anything about them, except that Eloise is Muggleborn. I'm sure we'll get to know them better as the story progresses, but it's nice to get an indication of each person's personality when you first meet them. It makes them easier to remember and lets us build a connection with them.

And poor Lily. It seems like she just wants to be treated as normal, but of COURSE her brothers would be worried. It's scary enough to be going away to boarding school at the mere age of eleven, without adding a recently acquired, lifelong and very painful condition. I really like the way you show them irritating her by wanting to help. Often in fiction, people either know exactly what to say and do or they just seem not to care at all. The fact that their very concern is getting on her nerves is really realistic.

LOVE the way Hagrid refers to Lily as "little Lily Potter."

Poor Ben. That REALLY isn't a nice way to begin your time at a new school. I don't blame him for glaring at them.

There's a lack of agreement in this sentence: "whose family had always refused to tell her about Hogwarts, no matter how much they begged." The first part says "her" and the second part "them". It would sound better as "whose families had always refused to tell them about Hogwarts, no matter how much they begged."

Really good chapter. I think it's the best one yet. Looking forward to meeting the new teachers, finding out more about Lily's classmates and hearing more about this Death Eater.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I love all the feedback that people are giving me, and your suggestions make sense. Oh, and not to give anything away, but you have ideas in your review that I've been planning on using.

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Review #4, by MargaretLane Chapter 3 - Home again

17th March 2015:
Lily does seem a lot better now.

Hmm, Lily seems to be a good Seeker, especially since she's only 11 and just out of hospital. I can see her making her house team in a couple of years - that is if the lycanthropy doesn't prevent it. After all, depending on how you portray her lycanthropy, it is possible she might not be able to play if there were a match shortly before or shortly after the full moon.

I wonder what house she will be in actually. I've a feeling Gryffindor, mainly judging by how well she seems to have coped with her experiences. It takes a fair amount of courage to deal with being attacked, spending time in hospital when you are only eleven, dealing with the transformation and the knowledge you are now a hated Dark creature. Of course, the last might be easier for an 11 year old than somebody older as they might not have developed the ideas somebody older would and knowing of Remus and how respected he is, she might not have really considered how misunderstood and badly treated werewolves really are.

Could they really Floo when they are outside? They'd need a fireplace, after all.

*laughs at Lily sneaking out Albus's extendable ears* I'm surprised he doesn't take them to school with him actually. And he's so annoyed.

"Yanked out and hid by Hugo" doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps it's just British slang I'm not familiar with, but I would have though "hidden by Hugo" would sound better.

Love the part when Ginny stumbles over the reference to Fred and George. It's so natural and sad.

20 Galleons seems like rather a lot of pocket money. I know the conversion is VERY questionable and this is 20 years after the time of canon, when there would presumably have been inflation, but googling seems to indicate a Galleon is worth about 5 or over $7 and 100 pocket money seems rather a lot. Were there any Galleons in the Weasleys' bank account when Harry saw it.

James seems to be into the whole detection area. Everything he bought would be useful in solving any mysteries which might arise at Hogwarts. Though, there probably aren't so many now that Voldemort is truly defeated.

Lily seems to be the typical spoilt youngest child, who always manages to avoid trouble, and I guess her lycanthropy will make that even more true in the future. Who is going to want to get annoyed at a poor kid who's been through so much just before starting Hogwarts?

I do think her lycanthropy seems to have been neglected a little in this chapter. I would imagine she'd have some anxiety still, especially about starting school and what her classmates would think if they found out and stuff. While I do think it's realistic to show life going on and her continuing to plan pranks and so on, I do think she would be somewhat changed by her experiences, at least for a while.

For the HPFF Fundraiser competition.

Author's Response: For the matter of the fireplace, they flooed back from Hugo's house. I was assuming that the potter family had become very rich over the years, so hence the money. For the most of this chapter, Lily was caught up in stuff and was able to forget about her lycanthropy for then.

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Review #5, by Flower n Prongs St. Mungo's

16th March 2015:
"For what felt like forever, Lily was stuck in a fog of pain and dreams. But eventually, she heard voices and pushed her way to them," was a great opening! Very descriptive and a good example of showing rather than telling.

It was good that you dedicated the beginning of this chapter to Lily waking up in St. Mungo's and her fears for the future. Lily thinking about how she had heard stories in the past of kids being abandoned by their parents after being bitten was a creative touch/ Sadly, it's something I'm sure happened in the past to many kids, especially before Dumbledore was headmaster and it was possible for them to attend Hogwarts and before the Wolfsbane potion was invented. I noticed Harry responded to this fear when she did not express it out loud, however. That would be a quick fix though.

Harry and Ginny's concern was touching. I also liked how you had James and Albus go away, as though they were uncomfortable with the situation (which seems likely for a 13-year-old and a 14-year-old).

You have Lily leaving the floor she was on to find where Arthur was after his bite. Since her injury was also a magical bite and Arthur was rooming with a man who was bitten by a werewolf, this should be on the same level she is staying on. You can change that easily, by simply making her walk to another room than down the stairs.

You're on the right track, but again I encourage you do use more description. Seeing how Lily's extended family reacted when visiting her in the hospital would have been nice, especially since Harry and Ginny are apparently keeping Lily's lycanthropy a secret. What did they tell the rest of the family? Expanding on Lily's transformation would also be nice.

The idea is fairly unique, so my best advice for you would be to slow down and add more description ("show, don't tell") to help readers engage with your story in a more in-depth manner.


- Rhaenyra
(for the HPFF fundraiser review competition)

Author's Response: Thank you for the ideas and the review

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Review #6, by Flower n Prongs A Camping Trip

16th March 2015:
Hello!

First of all, I wanted to say that I think you have an interesting premise here. The only person we know who went to Hogwarts as a werewolf was Remus Lupin, so your idea fits into canon but gives you a lot of wiggle room in the execution.

Starting with Lily getting her letter was a nice, because we got to see her excitement. The fact that you made Harry and Ginny plan something to celebrate was fitting for their characters, since I can easily imagine Harry trying to do as much as he can for his children and being as supportive as possible, given the fact that he had such a rough childhood. However, you could use more description. There is a lot of dialogue, but we don't know what people are doing, where they are, etc. If you could describe some of these things, it would be helpful for the reader to be better absorbed in your world. Additionally, it would be better to describe Lily's excitement at her letter (hands shaking, grinning, etc) than relying on exclamation marks to try to get that across.

When Harry is describing the trip, you have him explicitly mention that it is on the full moon. That seems like an odd thing for him to say, since most people don't track full moons. Perhaps not mentioning it then but describing the moon in the sky while they are on the trip would be more effective.

The scavenger hunt sounds fun and like a good way to get them all, including Teddy, involved in the same activity. One thing I would suggest here is slowing down once more. You clearly have a lot of ideas, but expanding on them would help the reader become immersed in your world.

The bite at the end was a bit rushed. There are only a few lines on it, when you could have dedicated more time to it to help show Lily's fear and describe the scene. (What did she see? How did the werewolf get her leg if she was still in the tent? Did Ginny stir behind her? Did she try to zip the tent back up?) Those sorts of things would add to the suspense and horror of what is happening tremendously.

Delving into Lily's struggles and fears as she heals and begins her Hogwarts journey (much like Remus Lupin before her) has the potential for a very interesting story.


- Rhaenyra
(for the HPFF fundraiser review competition)

Author's Response: Thank you for the ideas and the review

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Review #7, by MargaretLane St. Mungo's

9th March 2015:
Like the part about her being stuck in a fog of dreaming and pushing her way towards the voices. It captures how she's feeling well.

*laughs at the "well, it's about time" comment* SOMEBODY isn't very sympathetic. Sounds like it could be in character for James. Not that I've seen enough of the story to tell if it IS or not; I'm only going on the bit we learn about him in the epilogue of Deathly Hallows.

Like the way you focus on her hurting all over. Some stories I've read with werewolves in them seem to gloss over the fact that werewolf attacks can kill and that guy Arthur was talking about appeared to be in St. Mungo's quite a while after he was attacked, so it's unlikely to be exactly a pleasant experience.

I think it's very realistic the way you show how it takes weeks before she fully recovers.

Poor kid, but at least she has a supportive family and lives in an era when Wolfsbane is available, so she's doing better than a lot of werewolves would have.

I'd be inclined to put a full stop after "Aunt Hermione said" and then start "She also told me that you will be Apparated to a nearby forest," as a new sentence, as it's separate from the previous sentence Hermione said.

I like the way you show the lycanthropy and the potion as having side effects. I wonder if those effects will lessen before subsequent full moons.

Poor, poor kid. Dealing with lycanthropy would be hard enough, but dealing with it at the same time as starting a new school and leaving your parents for months on end AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN. She really does have a lot to deal with.

AH! That hint that the Wolfsbane might not work for everybody is intriguing and explains why they ensured she was far from everybody when she transformed.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review, it's always nice to know that people read the story that I'm putting up. The new chapter should be up soon.

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Review #8, by Queen Maeve. A Camping Trip

5th March 2015:
Nice to see the tradition of educating young witches and wizards continues. I used to educate young people in magic before Hogwarts opened to ensure a more formal education in magic.

I hope Lily is happy in her school.

Oh, I wonder what announcement Harry has to make.

I certainly didn't expect that. I would be delighted to see young witches and wizards from the UK experience my beautiful country. Even if it has changed a little from the days when I was Queen of Connaught.

And OH, Lily sounds like a bit of a prankster. I'd say her teachers will have some interesting times when she starts Hogwarts.

You could show the scene where the parents are trying to find out who dyed Albus's hair and how Lily and Hugo wriggle out of it, rather than just giving the overview. It sounds like it could be really funny and I'd love to see James's reaction to being blamed.

I like the fact Teddy went with them. Good to see him being included as part of the family.

I'm surprised she got back. I was expecting her to be attacked when she parted from Teddy.

Oooh, rather a dramatic ending. Really looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Author's Response: Thank you for the feedback and the suggestions. The second chapter is waiting to be validated, so it should be up in a few days.

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