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2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane Hogwarts Food

10th February 2015:
Like the detail about Ginny trying to cook food Lily will eat, so Albus doesn't get to try many different things.

Rose seems like her mother. I could easily imagine Hermione becoming a vegetarian. And I can see Albus and Rose having some of the same disagreements as Hermione did with Ron in particular.

Yikes, bet that girl regretted asking about Nick being NEARLY headless.

I like the way you show Albus's anxiety increasing when he's away from Rose. It makes sense that he would feel nervous now he is really separated from all his family. And the comment about him being shy around people he doesn't know tells us a little more about his character.

*laughs at Albus worrying that Salazar Slytherin could be a relative* Poor Al.

And that detail about Rose researching things too deeply gives us a bit of insight into the type of person she is too. She really DOES sound like her mum.

I like the comment about Hayden's father being reluctant to send him to Hogwarts. I think most Muggles would have a bit of a problem with sending their 11 year old to a boarding school they've never even heard of, from which they can't even come home at weekends, to learn subjects they know nothing about and which would be of little benefit to any career they've ever heard of.

Aw, poor Albus, he's already being haunted by the family name.

*laughs at them eating Lucky Charms* I was surprised to hear they still exist. I thought they were just one of these experimental things that were quickly discontinued.

In Harry's letter, you've written "boys can be about loud". I assume it was meant to be "a bit." And I like the indication that Albus hasn't had many male friends and that he's not as loud as boys are stereotyped as being. I guess he's used to hanging out with Rose, and maybe Lily.

Hmm, I wonder why Rose is blushing. Is there something in her letter she doesn't want to divulge?

Hmm, Hayden seems a bit oblivious. Maybe it's just because he's nervous and unsure of how things work in the magical world, but as Albus was thinking, you'd expect him to be used to that kind of teasing. And Joe said worse to HIM, calling him an idiot, and he didn't seem to take much notice of THAT. *ponders* I've a feeling there could be something more to his background. Maybe his father is a Dursley typed person or something.

I'm rather interested by this Transfiguration teacher. Not sure why - maybe because you introduce her right at the end of a chapter and don't even give her name, which makes me think you might be holding something in reverse for the next chapter. Maybe it's references like to her beaming, which gives an immediate indication of her character and the fact she's Head of Ravenclaw. Or maybe I just have Transfiguration teachers on my mind, considering what is happening in my own story.

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Review #2, by MargaretLane The Sorting

6th February 2015:
Before I even start reading this, I want to say I am in awe of the level of work you have put into this story. While I certainly still occasionally edit parts of "The Writing on the Wall" and older stories and will occasionally add in a sentence or so to fit with something from "The Rise of the A.W.L.," I've never done anything like the amount of rewriting you appear to have done to this.

I like the way you describe his sorting as feeling unexpected, even though he's known it was coming. Somehow when it came to life-changing events, I often find it hard to believe they're really here. The first exam of my Leaving Cert. (our equivalent of N.E.W.T.S), I was busy laughing at something in the comprehension, then reminded myself this is my LEAVING CERT., the exam that single-handedly decides what college course I get into; I really should be taking it more seriously. And my last day in primary school, I was one of the few girls in my class not crying, because I couldn't quite get it into my head that it WAS the last day. I'd cried plenty at our school Mass a few weeks earlier, but while I was aware I wouldn't be there the following YEAR for the next school Mass, I couldn't quite convince myself of my last day.

*grins* If Albus thinks McGonagall is old, he should have met his namesake. I think McGonagall'd be in her 80s at this point, whereas Dumbledore must have been over 100.

I like your reference to friendships between Gryffindor and Slytherin students. It shows how things have changed since the war.

I like your description of Hufflepuff. Funny and friendly seems to fit them well and the "often late" part is amusing.

There should be a small "c" on "cried McGonagall" because it's part of the same sentence as what she says. "Cried McGonagall" isn't a sentence on its own.

Albus seems to contradict himself somewhat when talking about the house he wants to be in. Firstly he says if he doesn't get into Gryffindor, it wouldn't be so good, which makes it sound as if being sorted into Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw would disappoint him too, then he says he'd like to be "anywhere but Slytherin."

Wow, you've given us an insight into Scorpius's character in a few words. He's one of the characters who varies greatly from one fanfic to another and straight away, I have the impression this isn't going to be a positive portrayal, unless of course, you are trying to show Albus's biases, but I don't think so. I think he is going to be snobby in this.

*laughs at how Albus insists he WOULDN'T do well in Slytherin* I don't know why, but that makes him sound so convincingly 11 years old. I think 11 year olds can be difficult to write, as they're not really children anymore, but they're not teenagers yet either, and fictional 11 year olds, even in published books, often sound either much too young or much too old. But there's something about his thought processes there that sounds really age-appropriate.

Hmm, I'm intrigued by the character of Molly Reddish. I've a feeling she's going to be significant, given the attention you've give her here.

I was wondering if Rose would be with him. I can understand why he'd want her to be. It wouldn't be nice to be among strangers. Even kids in ordinary schools like to have a friend in their class and they are really only with their class in lessons. They can spend break and lunch with friends from other classes, visit their houses after school, phone or text them in the evenings... Of course, Hogwarts students can hang out with people from other houses too, but it must be harder when they can't even GET into each others' common rooms. They'd have to hang out in the main building.

I thought Harry was the first first year to make the team in 100 years? Something like that?

And I don't think McGonagall would use a term so kind of "teen slangy" as "newbies". I actually don't think many teachers would refer to their first year students as "newbies" and McGonagall is a pretty formal person. I think she'd say something like "and for our first year students..."

Oooh, I wonder what danger McGonagall is anticipating. This sounds ominous.

I think your writing has improved a good deal since the first chapter of yours I read. The level of detail and pacing has improved and I think your descriptions are clearer.

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! That really was a coincidence - I'd just finished reading and reviewing your story, when I noticed that you'd reviewed mine! It really was a nice surprise.

All the mistakes in Albus Potter and the Sapphire of Slytherin have been bugging me for some time now. Simply editing the story just wouldn't work. For example, when I first wrote this, James was in the same year as Albus - BIG mistake! When I say that I'm re writing it, I very much doubt that the plot will be exactly the same. I'm hoping that things will be a lot clearer and more well written.

Yes, sometimes it DOES take a while to catch up and realise what is actually going on. Sometimes I feel that the event pounces on you. Funny that you say that you were one of the only girls in your primary school who didn't cry on the last day - I was too! It was almost as if the idea had not yet sunk in!

Albus thinks McGonagall is old - I don't think that he has met anyone of that age. (Unless Arthur Weasley ... I must check on that).

There are few friendships between the Gryffindors and Slytherins, but more than there was before the war. Yes, it is rare, but things are a lot calmer than they were before the war. Less trouble. Or so they think . *grins*

Funnily enough, that Sorting Hat song didn't take me too long to write. Yes, I know it isn't the greatest song, but maybe that was because I wrote it in about ten minutes. I may go back and tweak it a little. I couldn't think of another trait for Hufflepuff that fitted in, but I knew that they were carefree so I put 'often late'. I'm glad you liked it.

I've edited that mistake of misusing a capital letter. Thanks for pointing it out. You can probably tell that mistakes really annoy me, hence the re write.

Albus does sort of contradict himself, yes. It is supposed to show how desperate he has got about not wanting to be in Slytherin. He doesn't paticularly want to be sorted into Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, but he'd prefer it to Slytherin.

I'm glad that you liked that. Eleven year olds CAN be hard to write. I've noticed that in books with little words and pictures on every page, the eleven year olds seem younger, whereas in thicker books, they are portrayed as a lot older than they actually are.

Yes, I'm sure that Albus was pleased to have Rose sorted into Gryffindor too. It must be horribly lonely by yourself in such a big school. It's harder to make friends in your own. It would be much easier with Rose by his side.

That was a mistake, again. Harry was the first first year to make the team in one hundred years. James wasn't. I've changed it.

I was a little hesitant about writing 'newbies'. I debated on writing 'newcomers', so I have changed it to that.

Thank you. That has really made my day. I'm so glad that I have improved.


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