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Reading Reviews for Less Than Perfect
  
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by wolfgirl17 Liar

22nd December 2015:
Hey Lea,

Ellie here to check out your fic, as requested.

Now, I have to say, for me this chapter moved too fast. You've leaped through the mess of her break-up with Ron, him cheating on her, and her running into Malfoy a bit too quick for my taste.

Trust me, I know from so much time spent writing Dramione that while these things are terribly dull to rehash over and over in order to set the scene, rushing them this way makes it feel a little like the whole story might be in the same vein, which, I suspect is why you've not had much review traffic. You want to slow it down and take the time to come into each event slowly. Each one should almost be a chapter each.

You've rushed the article, to Hermione getting in Ron's face about it and painted him immediately as a terrible git, which, I've noticed Dramione readers are tiring of these days. In order to break Hermione and Ron's relationship as part of getting her together with Malfoy, author's - myself included - sometimes rush into it by making him a cheating git and readers are tired of it. It's overdone and doesn't keep true to Ron's characterisation in canon.

I'm part of a Dramione fanfic recommendation page on FB and they all go one about how, though they dislike Ron, the cheating trope is too overdone.

I would suggest slowing the entire story down regarding the speed such events are taking place. I also recommend taking a look at the characterisation of everyone in this fic/chapter. For me, Draco is all wrong. He's turned up unannounced and out of the blue, almost as if by magic when Hermione just happens to be in public and sobbing - Who goes out in public to cry about something? - and then he's all praises and cuddles for Hermione. That's not Draco at all. He's not brave enough to just walk over and be nice to a crying girl who he believes hates him. You need to incorporate the canon facts. By this time he's been acquitted, but Hermione was still tortured in Malfoy Manor. Malfoy is still the guy who stood there and did nothing while that happened. He's still the sod who bullied her and was rude to her.

These things can be downplayed for the sake of building their relationship, but changing his personality entirely is unrealistic. In this fic Draco reads more like Harry for me than like Draco Malfoy. Similarly, Hermione's unlikely to just rush into asking him to meet her again because he said one nice thing. They've got years of hatred to overcome and unfortunately they're unlikely to do so as a result of Ron being a cheating twat.

For me, the fic needs a hard edit. It's too rushed and the characters are off. That's probably not what you want to hear, but that's my impression. Sorry if it seems harsh, I don't mean it to be. The ways I can think of to improve readership and make for a better story is to try avoiding the cliches unless you're planning a different take on them. Right now you've hit all the big cliches of a Dramione in the very first chapter.

The first chapter is supposed to be about setting the scene and being able to build upon the fic from there, enticing readers into wanting to read more with a yummy cliffhanger and something exciting and new they haven't read before. Right now you're lacking those things, you've got a lot of content that every other Dramione shows and honestly, as this stage of the game, us Dramione lovers don't want another cliche unless it's going to be a new and exciting take on the cliche or it's a particular favourite, like a Marriage law trope or something.

I hope this helps.

xx-Ellie

Author's Response: Hey Ellie,

I'll PM you to answer this review properly, but in short:

Thank you so much for doing this so quickly for me. I really appreciate that you took the time out to do this for me. Secondly, thank you for the criticism. It will really help me to fix this story up.

Lea xx


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