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20 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Dojh167 Prologue

15th April 2017:
Hufflepuff CtF Review

Oh, what an interesting idea for a story! I love seeing historical fiction-esque fan fiction - there isn’t nearly enough of it and it’s always so fun! I also like that you use consistently short chapters here - not just because this is a review race, but because I am a genuine fan of short and to the point writing.

You do a great job of diving straight into the action here! We get the context of the characters through seeing them in action, and I don’t feel remotely out of the loop on any of them, even though they are all OCs.

I love how you incorporate the smooth talking feel of PI stories into your narrative. Lines like “If there was one thing this private investigator would agree to a case for, no matter the circumstances, it was a large wad of cash” and “Knowing full well that the only male clients he received that would risk getting off on a bad foot with his pretty assistant were either married or in desperate need of his help, and that the latter usually paid exorbitantly well, Marcus Williams just smiled” work really well, and actually totally make me feel like I’m listening to a PI radio drama! It makes this story really fun to read. Actually, the short segments of the story give that radio show feeling as well. I wonder if that was deliberate.

The phrase “solving your father’s suspected death” didn’t seem quite right to me. It is known that his father is dead, so that’s not suspected. So I would either say “suspected murder” or “suspect/suspicious death.”

Hehe, this is so melodramatic and fun, with the dramatic reveal of the murder weapon, it’s mysterious history, and Marus rushing out of his office and cancelling his appointments. This all feels really fun to read while being dramatic and serious, and I’m excited to read more!

Sam.

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Review #2, by SunshineDaisies Prologue

15th April 2017:
I love this! The way you've set it up really makes it seem very film noir. I'm half expecting this to turn into a search for the Maltese Falcon. You've very much set up a solid tone of mystery, which does an excellent job of drawing the reader in. I'm definitely hooked already.

I'm so excited to see what happens next! I'm absolutely fascinated. I was excited by the film-noir vibes, but I'm really more excited to see how this story plays out. Based on the summary, it seems as though we'll be starting to see things from the perspective of the members of the gentleman's club, the villains, I'm assuming. I'm interested in seeing how that plays together with this beginning, and to see if and how the tone shifts. If it does at all!

I love the introduction of the Butterfly's Death, and the feeling of foreboding when Marcus says "They're back!" I want to know more! I want to know the history that's going on, and how whoever "they" are connected to the gentleman's club.

Your dialogue is spot on, it's both natural and appropriate for the setting and tone you've set up. It fits so well with the old-timey film vibe, but it doesn't sound forced or unnatural in any way.

Wonderful work!

katie.

Hufflepuff CtF

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Review #3, by NPE Prologue

6th January 2016:
Well, I have to say it fulfilled the function of a good prologue, the building of a story on a good premise really well.

Your observations are really sharp, and the dialogue does the tricky multi purpose thing of advancing plot without sounding artificial.

Definitely keep going with it. I like it for sure. :)

Nick

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Review #4, by EnigmaticEyes16 Greed and Luxury

13th January 2015:
Hi! I'm here for our review swap!

This is a very interesting story so far. I'm very intrigued about the set-up of the Gentlemen's Club that is actually full of women, who all go by men's names... it's very curious. I'm very interested to read more because I'm curious to know what exactly is going on. How did Chris come up with the idea for a club like this? Does she hire all of her clients? How do they go about changing their names and identities? Like Ms. Greengrass has a brother... or are they just secret identities and they go by their real names in public when they are not on assignment?

I also want to know more about the Butterfly's death poison and how it works. And I'm very curious about how when Marcus saw the vial, he cancels everything and tells his assistant "They're back." Does he know who "they" are? Since he's obviously seen this before. And what led him to the club looking for Auden?

I have so many questions! Ugh... I guess I'm just going to have to keep an eye on this story for future updates because now I really want to know more.

This is a very cool idea for a story though!

xxNix

Author's Response: Hi Nix!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #5, by oldershouldknowbetter Hell Hath No Fury

13th January 2015:
You certainly do have pithy little chapters. They say what they want and then stop.

One of the things you are doing is making us do a lot of work. A lot of what we know about these characters we have to pick up from background and incidentals.

Auden appears to be from a good, probably upper-class background - and when we say upper-class in this milieu we mean pure-blood presumably. Scorned because she is a capable woman trying to make her way in a man's world and failing for no better reason than her sex.

"having never even been on a date." speaks of deliberate intent. She's what, in her late twenties, thirties even and never been on a date, not even in her teen years? I thought at first that she might have been gay, but this complete lack of dating points to something different. No she must either be very picky - Mr (or Ms) right haven't come along - or she doesn't want anyone at all. But then we see her "flashing a smile every few steps as other members of the Club passed by" and this points to a woman who has definitely been on a couple of dates in her life. So maybe she has been on assignments and assignations but has never been on one purely for her own pleasure, for her own wants and needs.

I don't know much about Tyler Venten from the meagerly brief encounter we have with her - a factotum of the Club, a secretary? - but somebody reasonably competent. The only thing we know is she doesn't think much of something about Auden - probably her current attire (or the state of it), but it could be the woman herself.

She does know how to flirt and has done it before for "... no reason than for fun and personal gain". Back to her proclivities again, this speaks more to a woman who is generally disappointed by the people she encounters - no one has ever met her standards, presumably of intelligence and wit. It all comes around to a woman scorned, as you said in your first sentence, by society as a whole that doesn't value her abilities.

She encounters yet more of that inherent sexism when she meets Marcus - but at least it is only that presumed sexism of the times and is not subscribed to personally by Marcus.

Then we meet Auden's boss, Chris Fairview and from her brief description we get the image of a woman who is confident in her own abilities, calm cool and collected and has definitely made it in the man's world which surrounds her; Due to her own abilities, luck, money or a combination thereof.

They have clients; Chris is her boss; she was sent to try to join the Prophet because "... Chris had needed a girl on the inside to scope out the Prophet’s stories and sources." Just what is the business they are in? Tantalising hints but nothing concrete as yet, but we know that Chris either owns the Club or is high up in it, to request Marcus to leave as she did.

There is a bit of plot advancement too - Marcus is obviously on the track to hunt down Exebur Greengrass's dead father, whose name is here revealed to be Arturo. This is all presumption, but it fits.

I'm sorry I didn't really understand - "Auden, you've been messy," Chris chastised. "Clean this up or the Club will have to expel you." Was she talking about Auden's hair, her clothes, was she dishabille or was it something else entirely like leaving clues/information out about the club/business? You make us do a lot of the work ourselves and that's fine - thank you for not treating your audience like idiots - but this was a bit too unclear.

The last line too could do with some more clarification, but it probably refers to Chris' competency and strictness.

All in all another chapter that introduces more than it answers and should be probably called Prologue two for all that it sets up. Very intrigued to see where this is going.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #6, by The Basilisk Greed and Luxury

7th January 2015:
Exc(s)ellent! Ssso, we meet again!

I love the first line, describing Chris! I really enjoy that she is another strong woman, though on the absolute opposite end of the spectrum as Auden. She seems classy, elegant, and a whip of a lady! I bet her bite stings just as much as her bark!

" And where is the money but in the business of scandals, lies, cheating, and blackmail?" -- Oh, I have goosebumps! Well, snakebumps, rather, but I assure you, they are one-in-the-same! There's so much going on, and it's all fabulous! On one side, there's a PI, going after a case! One the other side, there's the ladies of the Gentleman's Club, keeping some secrets of their own! I love it!

And with the presence of Ms. Greengrass, we're quickly learning that something funny DID happen in this Gentleman's Club (I think). So, my original prediction WAS wrong. Though, it seems that, even if there's a mix of murder afoot, there's something more behind it.

I also love that Greengrass was placed into Chris' own personal version of Witness Protection ;). Awesome!

I can't wait to see more! Thanksss for the fatassstic story!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #7, by The Basilisk Hell Hath No Fury

7th January 2015:
Ssssooo, it ssseems that I've returned fro another chapter of your ssstory! (I ssseem to have a ssspeech impediment that comesss and goesss.)

Anyhow. Auden seems like a pistol! I love that kind of characterization; a strong, snappy woman to spice things up a little bit! While Marcus seems to enjoy his tuna sandwiches, Auden seems to enjoy her drink ;). Might I make a prediction? I'm either predicting a love/hate partnership that will lead to eventual romantic interest, or a hate/hate partnership that will flourish because Marcus and Auden will balance each other out! Or, I could be completely wrong...let's find out.

Ooph, and she's a bit of a rebel, too! Nice. Not all girls need to 'play with their hair' and 'put on some makeup', and I really love the strong, female role model that you're portraying here.

And there we have the two characters interacting. Heheheh, I love his reaction when he realized that the 'Mr. Matthews' he was looking for was actually 'Ms. Matthews'. Ooh, or maybe there is no such partnership! Perhaps there's a bit of scandal going on here!

Thiss is certainly exc(sss)iting! I can't wait for more!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #8, by The Basilisk Prologue

7th January 2015:
Ssssalutations! Jussst ssliding along the pipesss today, and happened upon thisss lovely ssstory!

I must say, I love this kind of introduction. You've hopped right into the story, with the main character doing something completely normal, while also indicating some aspects of his characterization. Right off the bat, we know that the main character's name is Marcus Williams, he is a PI, and he has a taste for tuna (all in the first sentence)! Thank you for that!

Marcus is right, that doesn't sound like much of a case, but I bet there's much more behind what meets the eye! And, hey, who WOULDN'T take the case for a large sum of money, whether or not there even is a case?! Though, I doubt Mr. Greengrass would be so inclined to offer that kind of money without truly believing that some funny business was going down!

Ooh, "Butterfly's Death"! Wow, there's even a back story that we haven't learned about, yet! Well, this certainly is exciting! Oh! You've left me with so many questions! How could I not be intrigued!

Thanksss for the wonderful read!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #9, by Red_headed_juliet Hell Hath No Fury

6th January 2015:
Oo, the intrigue deepens!

I like the gender neutral names you've picked for all the women. It seems fitting that women are running the gentleman's club under 'male' sounding names. You've done a great job at setting up Auden as a character of interest with deep motivation, rich back story, and wonderful descriptions.

I look forward to watching this mystery unfold. It seems like you have quite the plan for this. In my head, it has this noir feel that I love.

Can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #10, by marauderfan Prologue

6th January 2015:
For our swap!

I wasn't sure what to expect from this story given the title, but 1947 yess I just love anything that's set in an interesting decade. There are so many cool places I can see that going already.

Anyway! Just in the first line I have such a picture of Marcus Williams in my mind. He's the type of person who has the same specific thing for lunch every day. A generally composed person, detail oriented (supported by his profession as a PI) who's a bit stuffy. :p A bit like Percy but less arrogant haha. Or maybe I am reading much too deeply into the first sentence. Ahem. Moving on.

You've also touched on Marcus' ability to notice things, in a really subtle way, in the way he rationalizes the worried client barging past the assistant and straight into his office. He knows how people work and I like how you showed that.

Butterfly Death?! A poison that has some scary past. Omg, I'm so intrigued! I want to know what it is! Who is 'they' that are back? Who was poisoned?

This is a wonderful start as it has very rich detail which I like, the characterisation is present but subtle, and there's a huge mystery waiting to be unfolded at the end! Great chapter!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #11, by toomanycurls Prologue

6th January 2015:
Lo!!!

This story looks so interesting!! I love the intro and am excited for more of it. You do a great job with mystery (which I don't think I've seen you do yet).

The chapter starts off with such a sense of urgency and action - that's a great way to pull me into the chapter. The tidings of murder were very well done. Marcus seems like quite the seasoned private eye to not be riled by a sudden entrance.

Your ending is fantastic. It's like we're in the middle of a larger story where these bad guys are well known to society but new to the reader. Brilliant start!

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi Rose!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #12, by Your Grinch Hell Hath No Fury

5th January 2015:
Hey Lo,

In the guessing thread, you once mentioned that you have yet to figure out how to form a heart when writing reviews. As a gift to you, I shall unveil, to you, the secret of the heart: unicode.

& # 9829 with out the spaces becomes ♥

To more important matters: your precious and wonderful and exciting story.

The paraphrasing of the chapter summary in the first sentence was amazingly clever. The proper response to such sentences is gawking I believe, as I am currently doing, gawking, that is. Your writing is gawk-worthy and your stories are always such splendid reading.

Once again, your way of characterisation and setting the scene are highly commendable! This chapter is flowing remarkably well! Auden appears to have this sarcastic bite to her that I really like. Her thoughts about the lounge around her bring out both her character and the setting.

And the mystery continues! Who is this man? What assignment is Tyler referring to? Who is Chris? What is this? What is happening? What has happened? What will happen? Due to the sheer number of questions you've left me with, I'm afraid that I have no other choice but to continue to read on. Until the next chapter, Lo.

Your little Grinchie

Author's Response: Hi Grinchie!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #13, by bittersweetflames Hell Hath No Fury

3rd January 2015:
Hey, Lo. :) Okay, I am so super happy that you've updated because I have been waiting for this as I had already favorites this story so HARD.

Ok, I completely love Auden. I can feel her frustration, her annoyance. I know how it feels to be passed over for a job or a promotion so the way you did write that part, I truly felt as I did when the same thing happened to me. (Made me wish I had a whiskey as well)

I was laughing so LOUD when I was reading the part about "Mr. Matthews" which was just great. That was just hilarious and I really loved it. It's so common for men to make mistakes like that. Although I say this because I like making fun of my brothers who have made such a mistake.

Of course I can be very annoyed at you because you didn't explain about the butterfly death thing. So I am cross but, really, that makes me want to just read more. So.. It's a demand. You should update this story. Yes, you really should.

And then you end in on the you ended it which means I want even more of this story. Sorry, I ramble most of the time here… I just really love this story and want more. :) Thanks for the swap, darling! :)


--Carla

Author's Response: Hi Carla!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #14, by Aphoride Prologue

3rd January 2015:
Hey there! :) Stopping by for our review swap!

I just couldn't resist when I saw the title - the idea of a wizarding gentlemen's club cracks me up no end (though it's more than plausible, tbh) - and the fact that this is a murder mystery only makes it better! :D (I'm a total sucker for murder mysteries :P)

I love the way this works as a beginning - the cliffhanger at the end, the quick scene of how it all began, after the murder, it's just so, so good. It really sets up for so much reveal later on, with the murderer, more on the victim, who this mysterious 'they' is, what's going on... it's such a mysterious, intruiging start - I really, really wanna know more! :)

I love the way you introduce the characters, too - with Exebur Greengrass rushing into the office, the pretty assistant trying to stop him but failing, and Marcus himself being so relaxed and then so... well, not :P It shows us them at really abnormal times, you know, so there's this sort of question of what are they like normally, this is how they'd act really, and so on which makes everyone so suspicious and so untrustworthy, which fits so well with all of the mystery :)

Your writing is so good in this too - it's so lovely and clean and precise in a way which I completely envy (because I am utterly incapable of keeping anything concise, haha). Your description is so lovely and you use it so well, with the vial and things, so that those bits stand out, they're so memorable. All the details in this are gorgeous, too - with the little things about how his career started, and how it nearly ended - especially the little ones about the invstigating career type thing, with the money and case technique and things.

The hints and cliffhangers in this are amazing. I'm so, so desperate to read on. Unfortunately, I have to pack now (boo!), but hopefully I'll find some time to come back to this, because I'm gonna have to! :D

Aph xx

Author's Response: Hi Aphoride!

Thank you for this absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #15, by mymischiefmanaged Prologue

27th December 2014:
Hello! I'm here for our swap. I picked this story because it sounded so original in the summary and I was intrigued, but 'Upping the Ante' sounds fantastic too so if you ever want to do another swap with that story instead do let me know!

This is a fascinating opening for so many reasons, and I definitely want to read on when you update! It's short but I think that's effective. You give enough detail to make it interesting but don't really give away anything to help us with the mystery, which is very clever.

Okay, first off, the names you've chosen are fab. Exebur Greengrass is a fantastic name and totally fits what we see of his character. I'm impressed.

I like Marcus's transition from calm, slightly cocky and in control of his situation (thinking mainly about the money) to shaking and scared at the end. You've made the change completely believable, and seeing him so affected demonstrates the gravity of the situation.

'Butterfly's Death' is a genius name for a poison (assuming it's a poison, anyway). I'm a big fan of scary things having very innocent names. It adds to the mystery element and gives the whole thing an aspect of silliness that somehow makes it scarier and more intriguing.

I wish I could give you a longer review because I really did enjoy reading this a lot, but I'm not quite sure what else to comment on in such a short chapter. It's a pretty much flawless opening, and the summary's made it clear that there's lots to look forward to here.

Thanks for the swap!

Lots of love,

Emma xx

ps - I only noticed one typo. You've not capitalised 'mister' in "What can I do for you, mister...". It doesn't get in the way of the chapter at all but I thought it was worth mentioning in case you come back and make edits at some point xx

Author's Response: Hi Emma!

Thank you so much for this wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #16, by MadiMalfoy Prologue

26th December 2014:
Hello hello, here for our little swap! I wanted to experience some of your writing style before we collaborated so that way i could relatively match mine to yours!

Anywho, I think this is quite the introduction! It quickly and effectively introducing and describing characters. It's quite the premise, especially with the title and your OCs job. Im very intrigued as to where you go with this and who you pull in from canon! Great start, I'm excited for our collab! :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi Madi!

Unfortunately this is not my normal writing style, but even so - I'm so glad you liked it! I'm excited for our collab too and thanks so much for this wonderful review!

Lo :)


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Review #17, by Your Grinch Prologue

26th December 2014:
So, Lo. You'd like reviews here? I can do that. ;)

This is precisely the kind of exciting story to spend the jolly holidays reading! Death! Murder! Mystery! Oh, joy to the world!

You've set the scene wonderfully here: your descriptions--neither overwhelming nor underwhelming--create such magically real pictures in my head. The good kind of magic. Not the sparkly and bright kind.

Onto your characters: I feel as though I've known them for so long--and, mind you, as your Grinch, personal connections are not my 'thing.' I believe I may have sociopathic tendencies, but who am I to be the judge of that? Regardless, with your talent, you've managed to paint a clear picture of your characters without really saying too much about them. Rather, you show their personalities through their actions and thought-processes. I am blown away by this--or is that just the blizzard raging on outside. Santa's pants, Jack Frost. I told him! I told him to leave me alone this year. Argh!

Moving on, the style of writing here is beyond spectacular. Like the sound of screaming children and crying babies. You immediately capture my attention and maintain it with great flow, a healthy dose of suspense, a dash of humour, and heaps and heaps of interest-captivating and interest-maintaining thingamajiggies. Due to my inability to place a name on the latter, I've decided to name them as such. Infusing a story with these qualities seems to come naturally to you. There is an undeniable, yet unnameable attention-attracting property to your writing. An irresistible pull. A seducing attribute. A-- I should probably stop there before I get carried away. Or is that the blizzard again?

Now to debunk the theory that I do not possess the propensity to use capitals: WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS 'BUTTERFLY DEATH?!' I WANT, NO--I NEED TO KNOW MORE AND I NEED TO KNOW NOW!! I AM SHAKING MY FIST AT YOU, CAN YOU SEE IT? I'M SHAKING IT, LO.

Did I like it? Not at all.

I adored it.

Your precious little Grinch.

A post script, if you will: You are correct to assume that I adore abundant alliteration. ;) As for my graphic-making, my style varies with the story.

Author's Response: Hi Grinch!

Thank you so much for this wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #18, by Red_headed_juliet Prologue

25th December 2014:
Hello! Here to give a little feedback. Saw the swap on your status, though it's certainly quite alright if I'm too late. +]

First:

Grammar: I saw absolutely nothing out of place. Punctuation, tense, spelling, it all seemed in order. So congratulations! No annoying typos to fix in an edit. +]

Characterization: The prologue is quite short, but I think you've put in enough details to get the point across. You've shown us that Marcus (I love that name) is a rather ritualistic character ("his usual tuna sandwhich") and that he is incredibly deductive and reasonable. Instead of letting the presence of an overly insistent and rather upity man dishevle him, he deduced that the man was either married or very interested in having his case solved.

Little things like that do a great job about expounding on characters without just outright TELLING you, which is always nice. Good job!

Setting: This is the only part of the prologue that seems lacking, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just feel like mentioning that when I first start a mystery, I expect to gain a lot from the setting. Is it Noir, Western, Modern, or something new? Where is this office? Is it shabby, well kept, well used, professional, weird? If you expound upon this later, no problem at all. Sometimes it detracts from the introduction to put details like that in. I just figured it was worth mentioning that we will need at least a little more detail eventually. +]

Plot: Again, you've given us probably the perfect little amount for a nice prologue. Something to make sure that you check back in later. A reoccuring string of poisonings that has emotional ties with main character? AWESOME!

All in all, both a wonderfully executed prologue and teaser for what is sure to be an excellent story! Very nice!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you so much for this wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #19, by bittersweetflames Prologue

24th December 2014:
Hi, Lo! Carla here for our review swap. First off, excuse me while I go flail my arms because I enjoyed this prologue so much.. -flails arms-

For a prologue to be successful, it has to properly introduce a story without overwhelming the readers with information; it also has to have the ability to make a reader want to read the next chapter (RIGHT NOW). And, your prologue was super successful. For just a little under 700 words, you managed to engage me and I've favorited this so hard. BOOYAH.

Anyway, I love that it's about the Greengrass family! I, like a lot of others, prolly want to know more about them. (Especially after the last bit of info from Pottermore? I'm just super curious about Astoria and her family!) All the details were spot on to me and I loved that you named the assistant Lawrence. I love that name.

I am a huge fan of mysteries (to read, not write) and I WANT TO KNOW about the Butterfly's Death! Way to capture my attention and bring to harsh perspective that there's no next arrow for me to press to find out what happens next. -dies-

Anyway, I love it, I want to read more and thanks for the swap. :)

--Carla

Author's Response: Hi Carla!

Thank you for the absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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Review #20, by oldershouldknowbetter Prologue

24th December 2014:
You had me at the mention of the Greengrass family. I am ever intrigued to learn more about this family which we don't know enough about considering their eventual importance - the daughter of their house marries an important player from the JKR books in the person of Draco. For all we know the family might be now extinct in the male line as we only know of two daughters, Daphne and Astoria. So this slice of history is welcome, considering as well that any effects it has are far enough in the past that they won't mess with what I normally like to read - stories featuring the players of the Next Generation.

Great I shall read on.

The sentence in which the investigator discerns the state of his client's affairs from the way he reacts to his assistant is well done. In one simple sentence so much can be inferred about the investigator, the client and indeed the assistant herself.

A sudden and perhaps sinister death - always a good start to a mystery.

The reaction Marcus has to a potential threat speaks of competency and experience. It confirms for us that the case might just be in capable hands.

Wow! The plot just gallops away there at the end doesn't it: the knowledge in Greengrass's mind that foul play was afoot; Vials of poison; mysterious connections to Marcus's past.

Cannot wait to read more.


Just one small CC if I may: This was the first thing that I wrote as it threw me out of the story so completely. I don't know whether you have ever worn heel on a linoleum floor. I haven't, I'm a guy, but linoleum is soft and it tends to mute footfalls (you definitely would hear them but they don't "click" as such). I could understand the heels of the assistant clicking on a tile floor (unlikely given the setting) or a wooden floor (far more likely in a private investigators office), but not on one covered with vinyl. I'm sorry, but as I said it threw me right out of my engagement of the story.

Pleas forgive this review - for some stupid reason the internets are putting a \ in front of every inverted comma I type. Argh!

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you for the absolutely wonderful review!

Lo ♥


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