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Reading Reviews for Fanged Revolution
  
23 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Beeezie Chapter the First

11th June 2015:
Oooh, Olivia, this was so good. So good.

I love the worldbuilding you did here! Drawing Septimus Malfoy in was wonderful - I love little references to canon like that - and the mention of werewolves and garlic was perfect. The tension between the vampire community and the wizarding community is completely believable, too. We saw plenty of examples of prejudice from the wizarding community throughout the series, and that was aimed mostly at people who were far less dangerous than vampires. I can totally understand why the vampires would keep the fact that some of them retained the ability to do magic quiet.

At the same time, though, I do wonder whether the wizards don't have a point here. I get that they (presumably) didn't choose to be vampires, but while werewolves are only dangerous three nights a month and can be subdued for the duration of that time, it seems to me that vampires are pretty dangerous most of the time - Ignatius certainly didn't hesitate to kill that woman, and while I get that the horror on her face might have been what decided him, it takes someone with a pretty short fuse to jump from "You're scared of me" to "Let me eat you now."

I don't know - I don't feel like there are any simple answers, at least not from what I saw in this chapter, and I'm beginning to feel like you excel at making everything murky and complicated! :P

And that cliffhanger - ughhh, you destroy me. Onward!

House Cup 2015 - Ravenclaw

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Review #2, by cherry_pop94 Chapter the Third

16th May 2015:
This is quite good so far!

I'm conflicted because while I do agree that these new laws are somewhat restrictive and unfair, it seems that vampires have to kill in order to feed or at least seriously injure. This is making my moral compass all messed up!

That said, I'm quite interested to know where you go with this. Especially because I just can't identify protagonists and antagonists here. Septimus Malfoy seems like a slimeball, but I sort of understand his hatred of vampires (sort of). And Osbert is a bit spineless, but also quite prejudiced, especially because he killed that werewolf! And I can't quite sympathize with Nightstalker because he did kill an innocent girl!

Ugh, can't wait to read the rest!

-Stefi

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Review #3, by cherry_pop94 Chapter the First

16th May 2015:
Hi there! Here for the BvB challenge! But also because this is nominated for a Diadem so I had to check it out!

This is a really intriguing beginning! You've set the tone of this story really well here, with all the darkness and distrust and secrecy going on between vampires and wizards. I've never really thought about vampires in the HP world, so this is all really fresh and interesting to me!

I really love how quickly you got into the action in this chapter. It felt really no nonsense and quite in-line with the character I think. The way you described the kill seemed almost clinical. There's no emotion involved here and I think that's perfect for this story.

I'm really excited to see how this goes. I get the feeling it'll be one of those where you don't quite sympathize with anyone because everyone's sort of horrible.

Lovely story!
-Stefi

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Review #4, by Aphoride Chapter the Second

14th February 2015:
Hey there! :) Happy Valentine's Day, Olivia! Hope you're having a great day, whatever you're doing! ;)

I had to come back to this when you requested - totally in the mood for some vampires this evening ;)

I love how you've carried this on from the previous chapter, how we got a glimpse into the Ministry and their actions and why they did what they did - the whole Malfoy-and-Osbert relationship thing is incredibly creepy and manipulative and I kinda love it :P - and how Ignatius reacted to the news of the results of his actions. I kinda feel a bit sorry for him, you know - how was he supposed to know the girl in question was the Minister's daughter? Poor guy...

I like, though, how you're developing him as a character. How, despite being a normally 'evil' creature, he's moral enough to feel obligated to stay and sort things out after he caused it all by killing the girl. It's an incredibly brave and righteous thing to do - makes me think if he went to Hogwarts he was a Gryffindor... it's a neat turn-around of the stereotypical vampire presentation. I love as well the other vampire, too, how he's gonna go along and help Ignatius in his efforts.

As I said before, I love the whole relationship thing between Malfoy and Osbert, how they work together, but not quite together - with Osbert being official minister, but Malfoy sort of unofficial minister behind the scenes. It's an incredibly corrupt ministry and political regime, but I love it - it really reminds me of the ministry in canon and how corrupt that was.

Your writing in this, as before, is really good! I love the description you put into it, and the dialogue is so good, too - so real and so true, it's so great! :)

This is such a good story and I'm enjoying it so much! :)

Aph xx

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Review #5, by daliha Chapter the First

7th February 2015:
This is the first Vampire fic I read, I love the idea and I'm happy to have stumbled here (I saw one of your post on the forums and clicked the link to your author's page.) The only thing I would probably pick a is that it's missing some more description but other than that this is an awesome premise for a story.

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Review #6, by Aphoride Chapter the First

7th February 2015:
Hi there! Stopping by from BvB! :)

Okay, so I love vampires - they're so cool! And so fascinating! - so when you said you wanted a review on one of your WIPs, I just had to stop by this one! :)

I love Ignatius' character (are we ever going to find out what his original surname was? I like to think it's something like Weasley or Prewett, just for the kicks :P), how he regrets the way he acted when he was human, how he's been forced to hide and resents it, how he doesn't intend to kill the girl he meets (the Minister's daughter, I'm assuming), and how he feels wronged by his former own people - the wizards - because of how he's treated now. He's such a wonderful character, a proper revolutionary, lol, and it's great! :) Even in this first chapter, he's so well developed as a character, it's lovely!

I loved your descriptions of Knockturn Alley, and how for him it's sort of safer than Diagon Alley and the rest of the world. It's a really sad thing to think - that as a vampire he doesn't have anything, and can't have anything, and it's setting the scene so nicely for the revolution/rights battle later on ;) Also, I loved all the little classic vampires things you put in - the fangs, the blood, the aversion to sunlight and garlic... it was so good!

The way you slipped in all the background information on the vampires' situation, on how the Ministry treats them and all was so good, too - your writing is so lovely in this, it really feels like your being told about him, you know? It's a great style!

I'm so curious about what's going to happen next... what exactly the Minister's going to do and how this revolution is going to come about. If I see you in the BvB again, I'm definitely coming back! :)

Aph xx

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Review #7, by toomanycurls Chapter the Third

4th February 2015:
Hello!!

I'm stopping by for BvB and because this story has become addicting.

Ick, I'm not surprised to see a Malfoy so hateful towards part-humans but it's still very nasty to read about. That does fall inline with what we know about the family though. It's a bit scary how Malfoy is able to manipulate the news and, by extension, public opinion. I doubt many wizarding families get news from alternative sources but this makes me wish there was some sort of Quibbler to give them a heads up about the real news. It's also interestin that he feels a bit of regret about pushing Osbert into passing the laws he did.

The wizarding legal system is quite interesting in this story. I can't imagine an official just being able to pass a law without oversight or a vote. Even if it's just the Minister who can do that, it's a lot of power for one person to have (especially when they are easily swayed).

Hunting vampires will likely lead to a full-out war. This should be good. *gets popcorn*

Rackharrow seems like an interesting vampire. The idea of throwing away his humanity - itentionally becoming a vampire - is exceptionally interesting. I feel so bad for him being hunted and killed. Rackharrow didn't really seem to be in full control of himself either. :-/

It's even worse that they joked about it.

The ending with Nightstalker and Haworth has me on edge!!

-Rose

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Review #8, by toomanycurls Chapter the Second

3rd February 2015:
Hello my dear!!

I'm here for the BvB.

This chapter is amazing! I could feel the power and the anger that drove policy in those days. I loved the backstory about the Minister killing a werewolf his daughter dated and then having Malfoy clean it up - ugh, that's so dirty of them but I can see personal life impact policy more often than not. It was also a sneaky way for Malfoy to get in with the future minister.

I also thought the idea of a 'good, well raised' girl being in such a place as Knockturn alley was very fitting for this time period. I imagine it was somewhere edgy and interesting for her to go though the dangers there were real. Though, I am proud that the Minister didn't let where she was found dead diminish the weight of her death on him.

Nightstalker's scene in the bar is greatly interesting and well done. I love that he's pushed to the point of action and ownership of his mistake. I think I'm now kind of engrossed in this story. This is bound to be interesting and I am really excited to see where your skilled writing takes it.

-Rose

Author's Response: Hi Rose!

Thank you so much! Yes, Malfoy's been doing the Minister's dirty work for a while, which is part of the reason why they're so close. Osbert just doesn't realize that he's actually doing Malfoy's work, not the other way around.

She would definitely have thought it edgy, although I'd be more likely to consider it "dumb". Intentially going somewhere where there's a very real danger of being attacked or killed seems a bit stupid to me.

Nightstalker's role was intended to be the reluctant hero - screwing up, initially wanting to run and hide from his mistake, but then being forced by necessity to take the lead. This story needs to be rewritten but that will be one of the things staying the same.

Thanks for the review!

~Olivia


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Review #9, by 800 words of heaven Chapter the First

17th January 2015:
REVIEW TAG.

Okay, so I'm not one to usually read vampire stories (thank you Twilight for squashing a small spark of interest out of existence) but I was intrigued by the premise of this story because vampires are somehow cooler when their stories are set in the past.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do with the historical aspect of this story. It's strangely not something about which much fanfiction is written, so props for being unique too! I can already tell that Ignatius really should've been more careful about on whom he accidentally preys. Draining random humans dry can have the most unexpected of consequences!

Also, I'm excited about getting to know Ignatius better. There wasn't much to his character in this opening chapter other than he tries to be an ethical vampire. Also, I'm super pumped to find out if any research into why some vampires retain their magic. I seriously hope that it comes up later on in the story!

Solid start! Thanks for the cool read :)

Author's Response: Hello!

I don't usually read vampire stories either (for much the same reason) but I have to agree with you. Plus, it gives me so much more creative freedom without having to stick an AU label on the summary.

I plan to use the historical aspect heavily. Ignatius should definitely avoid draining random humans, because (as he knows now) you can never know just who they might be.

Ignatius tries to be an ethical vampire, but, due to the nature of his species, it's not the easiest thing to do. There will be revelations about why some vampires retain their magic.

I'm glad you liked it!

~Olivia


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Review #10, by Red_headed_juliet Chapter the Second

6th January 2015:
Hello! I'm here for the Blue vs Bronze battle. +]

You've got a pretty nice beginning to a story here. I think that you've set up a bit of back story capable of supporting good conflicts, as well as relationships between characters.

I do think things moved a little quickly though. At first, I thought Nightstalker was unjustly persecuted, but then he totally just killed someone after saying he didn't want to, which made me unsympathetic. Now, that doesn't mean all vampires should be offed, but I certainly don't feel bad for him anymore.

I am very interested in this ancient Malfoy figure and how you plan to continue portraying him.

Pretty nice story you've got started here. Great descriptions and personalization of internal mechanics.

Until next time!

Author's Response: Hello!

Of all my stories, I think this is the one I'm the most proud of, especially the backstory and the character relationships. Septimus Malfoy and Unctuous Osbert were canon characters created by JKR for a Pottermore release. This story, therefore, could technically be canon, and it gives me a lot of creative freedom.

The vampires as a whole are unjustly persecuted, similar to the werewolves in the book timeline. Nightstalker didn't want to kill the girl, but his vampiric nature took over and he couldn't control himself. The fact that one vampire lost control, of course, doesn't mean that they should all die. (Malfoy, however, doesn't see it that way.)

I'm glad you liked it!

~Olivia


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Review #11, by toomanycurls Chapter the First

6th January 2015:
so... let me get this straight - the accident mentioned in the story summary was that it was the minister's daughter he killed. the killing wasn't an accident, just an 'oops, I idnd't know you were important' thing. (I had to get that out there - my ex husband used to misuse accident quite a bit and I'm a bit manic about it now).

anyway

love, love, love, this chapter. I love the name Nightstalker, I love that you have Septimus Malfoy in there, and I love the sociopolitical nature of this story.

You did a great job weaving backstory, introduction, and plot seeding into a very interesting narrative. I'm hopeful about seeing some vampire/werewolf action in this story as well as vampire/wizards going at it. I would think that the vampires and werewolves would team up but that generally doesn't go well in most lore.

You described the attack excellently. It felt like a reaction rather than an act of violence. I loved your line about only later regretting not hiding her body better - that really speaks to his view of the killing as a natural act rather than osmething animalistic.

-rose

Author's Response: Hi Rose!

I'm going to address your first and last paragraph at the same time.

You're right: Nightstalker's attack was a reaction. He was reacting to the feel of blood pumping through her veins, and if he hadn't felt that, he wouldn't have killed her. So then I think that accident was the right word - the fact that the girl was the Minister's daughter was just Nightstalker's bad luck.

I'm glad you liked it! Political sociology - and anything that even remotely relates to history and law - is one of my nerdy interests, so I knew that I would eventually write a story about it.

There is A LOT of vampires and wizards going at it in this fic. Vampires and werewolves, in my headcanon, share the same struggle of being second-class citizens but don't really get along, so we'll have to see how that goes.

Thanks for reviewing!

~Olivia


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Review #12, by mymischiefmanaged Chapter the First

15th December 2014:
Hello! Here for our swap :)

This looks like it'll be a really interesting story. I've not read anything about a vampire before and this is a really intriguing start.

Okay, first off, 'Ignatius Nightstalker' is a fantastic name. Well done for that. I wonder if you're going to reveal what his name was before? I suppose it doesn't matter much either way but it'll be interesting if he's somebody we might recognise.

The parallels with the werewolf community were interesting. I would have liked him to speak to the werewolf, or have some kind of acknowledgement of each other. You drew some really strong comparisons. The talk of how he's still essentially a normal wizard brought werewolves to mind before you mention them, and you've shown how deep the currents of prejudice flow. I suppose it's worse for vampires because they don't have the opportunity to properly be normal wizards like werewolves do. They're monsters all the time rather than just once a month.

The discussion of finding an animal to get the blood he needs is interesting. You've obviously put some thought into the nature of vampires and it pays off. And then it makes his killing the girl much more heartbreaking as we know it wasn't his original intention.

You deal with his killing the girl quickly and effectively, not wasting time lingering on gruesome description but getting across the significance of the attack, and the final sentence definitely makes me want to read on and find out what happens.

Overall, this is a really fantastic first chapter. I'll definitely come back at some point to read more, so let me know if you ever fancy another swap!

Emma xx

Author's Response: Hi Emma!

Nightstalker's original name will be revealed eventually, probably towards the end of the story.

The werewolf parallels I found natural. There will be vampire/werewolf interaction later on, though. And yes, the prejudice is very deep-rooted. It's worse for vampires because, as you said, the desire to be a monster is present all the time. It's different than a werewolf, who is an uncontrollable monster only during the full moon.

I didn't want to put a lot of detail into the killing. Since the narration was focused on Nightstalker and what he was feeling, all he was thinking about was feeding and not the details.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, especially since I'm really proud of this story.

~Olivia


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Review #13, by Unicorn_Charm Chapter the First

13th December 2014:
Hi there! Here for our swap! :)

I've always found vampires very intriguing and haven't read any fics involving them, so I thought I would take a peek at this one.

Wow you've done a spectacular job creating a dark, creepy atmosphere. The whole setting of the dingy bar on Knocturn Alley was an excellent setting and pulled me in immediately.

I really liked how you describe how it felt being a second class citizen in the magical world. We don't hear too much at all about Vampires in canon, but I'd assume that they live lives very similar to the werewolves. Speaking of that, the very small mention of the werewolf entering the pub was a brilliant way of briefly showing that comparison.

I'm really intrigued as to what exactly happened between Malfoy and Ignatius which caused him to go into hiding. I'm assuming the duel didn't go well, but am wondering what caused it to begin with.

That poor girl definitely ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. As was explained, he didn't want to hurt anyone, but he was just caught off guard at a weak moment. I do like that he thought of feeding from animals as opposed to humans. Makes me think that he's a "good" vampire. Or at least tries to be.

The chapter ended on an ominous note. I guess stuff is really going to hit the fan when the girl's body is discovered. I'll have to read on to find out. :)

This wasn't like anything I have read on here before and really enjoyed it. This first chapter has absolutely piqued my interest and I know I'll be back to find out what happens next! Thanks so much for doing the swap!! ♥

xoxo Meg

Author's Response: Hi Meg!

I'm glad you like this chapter! I got bowled over by the plot bunny in the summer and simply had to write it.

Knockturn Alley definitely isn't a happy place, and I'm sure there's a lot more to it than the little we see in the books.

I found it fun to write about these second-class citizens. Other than the description of the werewolves, we don't really know anything about how the non-humans are treated, but I've assumed that it hasn't been very well. Since there have been mentions of goblin rebellions, I'm guessing that wizardkind holds the same discriminatory attitude towards them as they do towards the werewolves. Or held, since I'm sure that Kingsley's government would've modernised that relationship. But since this story takes place in the past, the bigoted attitude remains.

Malfoy and Ignatius hate each other. What happened to prompt the duel will come up eventually, once I write it. *rolls eyes* Three cheers for writing first and planning later!

Nightstalker does try (and fail) to be a good vampire, but since he's fighting against what is a natural instinct for him he doesn't do very well.

Stuff hits the fan and splatters ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

~Olivia


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Review #14, by nott theodore Chapter the First

21st October 2014:
Hi there! I'm here for our review swap :)

The title and summary of this story immediately intrigued me - I haven't read many stories on here about vampires, and plus you've given this an historical setting, which makes me even more interested because I absolutely love historical fiction!

I really liked the way that you set this up; for a first chapter, which is only short (less than a thousand words) you did a great job of building up the opening to the story, introducing us to some of the characters and beginning in a way that has a real impact. I really want to read on right now to find out what happened, but alas, I have to get up in a few hours...

Okay, there were just a few tiny pieces of CC that I do have, and I thought that I'd mention them now so I can get back to telling you all the things that I liked about this story! I spotted a typo here:
'slept the slept of the content' - this should be 'slept the SLEEP of the content'
And here, this phrasing feels a bit out of place:
'behind a Muggle garbage dumpster' - okay, so this isn't a major problem but it's just a bit inconsistent with the rest of the chapter and the general feel you're going for here, and I think overall you've done a great job on the rest of it, so this tiny detail (and it is tiny) detracts a little. 'Garbage dumpster' is an Americanism and we wouldn't say it in Britain, plus I'm pretty sure that they didn't exist the same way back in the 1700s, when this story is set (unless I've confused the timelines - I took that from the summary - in which case, I'm sorry!)

And back to all the great things about this chapter! I love your protagonist already. He's so interesting! The name Ignatius Nightstalker is so brilliant - it's really imaginative and fits in perfectly with the sort of creative and cool names people have in the Harry Potter series, as well as one that fits a vampire really well. There's a definite darkness to it, which works since he's chosen his own name now that he's a vampire. From just his name, you had me really intrigued about this character!

Then we go on and get to find out a few more details - little things that you hint at, but we don't know about fully, so I want to read on and find out. I'm so curious about what happened with Septimus Malfoy, and why and how and when Nightstalker became a vampire. Plus he seems to be trying to resist (until the end, anyway) his usual prey, and I'm wondering if there's another reason behind that than the ones that we already know.

I thought your description in this chapter was really good, too. It was really cool to see the somewhat familiar settings of Diagon and Knockturn Alley, but used in a more historical context, as well as getting to see the way that Knockturn Alley was housing the more 'unsavoury' parts of society even at this time.

I think one of my favourite things about this chapter was the way that you already touched on the issues of discrimination in the wizarding world, and the way that vampires and werewolves were marginalised because they were considered so dangerous. It makes a lot of sense that those prejudices would be deep-rooted and go back to this time, and it was also really interesting to see it from the perspective of someone who'd been a perpetrator of that discrimination as well as someone who'd then become a victim of it.

This was a really great opening chapter and I'm so intrigued about what's going to happen next - if you want to review swap again, let me know!

Sian :)

Author's Response: Hi Sian!

I think a part of me wanted to write this because it would be historical fiction. The other part of me said something like "PLOT BUNNY!"

I have that problem too, about sacrificing sleep for fanfiction. (I also sacrifice paying attention in class for fanfiction. That's also bad.) I seem to like writing short first chapters; but then again all of the chapters so far (3 up, 1 in the queue) are about 1000-1500 words, which is a lot shorter than the chapters I write for my other WIP.

I think I had the "slept the slept of the content" error pointed out in another review. I'll change it when I do a general edit run-through when I finish the novel.

That's a very interesting point about the garbage dumpster. I'm Canadian, so a lot of American sayings seep into everyday talk. I wasn't aware that garbage dumpsters weren't around in the 1750's (which indeed is when this is set). I'm going to assume that people just threw their garbage out onto the street?

I've had a lot of compliments about Nightstalker. He's a troubled character, sort of like a more violent and brooding Lupin, but one with a more violent past than "I was turned into a werewolf." Without revealing anything, his pre-vampire past is depressing. (I just have to write it now. I know what it is, but I still have to put it down, and school unfortunately has priority.)

He has a bad past with Septimus Malfoy. They definitely don't like each other. Nightstalker has forgotten him for the time being; Malfoy has not. That animosity stems back to Nightstalker's human life and it's not going to be dropped. He's trying to resist human prey for another reason from his early vampire life.

Knockturn Alley will always be host to unsavoury people, much as the Next-Gen Ministry might like to change it (that's my personal opinion, anyways). Back in this era, the Ministry was more focused on the humans, and not the poorer vampires and werewolves. The prejudice revolving around them is deep-seated and goes back even further than this.

I definitely enjoyed this review swap (I'll just ignore the fact that I took 2 and a half hours to write my review)! I'm open to doing one again.

~Olivia


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Review #15, by LightLeviosa5443 Chapter the Second

1st October 2014:
Hi!

I want to thank you first for entering into my challenge! This story seems really interesting and I like the approach you took with it. The way you incorporated the quote was really interesting and unique and the story as a whole just tied together really well! The results will be up shortly!

xoxo Sarah ♥

Author's Response: Hi Sarah! I'm glad you like it. I enjoyed working the quote in (and it gave me a few more ideas for the plot as well).

This challenge was a lot of fun. Thanks for putting it on!

~Olivia


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Review #16, by Veritaserum27 Chapter the Second

20th September 2014:
Hiya!

I'm back for the second chapter for the BvB!

Ooo! This just got a bit more interesting. Osbert isn't as innocent as he seems, huh? I feel really bad for him that his daughter is dead, but he is also a murderer.

You've characterized Septimus in a true Malfoy fashion. He is cunning and pushing his own personal agenda. Using his powers of persuasion and any underhanded tactics he can think of, he is going to get his way. Good job with that.

My jury is still out on Haworth. I'm not sure if he will be a trustworthy comrade for Nightstalker or not. And Nighstalker seems like the type that would rather fight than run away.

Through this all, I'm still having a little bit of trouble being on the Vampire's side. While I don't think they should be murdered, I also think that innocent people should be protected from them. Osbert's daughter did not deserve to die. Hopefully, there is a solution that will allow Witches and Wizards to be safe and Vampires to find a way to feed.

Looking forward to seeing how this story develops!

Beth

Author's Response: Hi Beth!

Osbert is definitely not as innocent as he looks. While he doesn't have as much dirt (blood?) on his hands as, say, Nightstalker or Septimus Malfoy, he's not an angelic little lamb.

Septimus is a Malfoy through and through. He has the same motivations and beliefs as his Potter-era descendants, which goes to show that nothing changes.

The jury doesn't know who Haworth is (and I still have to work out the major details. Cheers for people who actually plan their stories instead of kidnapping the plot bunny!). He's a vampire acquantaince of Nightstalker's that he knew as a human. Nightstalker himself would rather fight than run away, especially when he feels that he's being cornered (which, in future chapters, is exactly what he's feeling (will be?)).

Normally, there would be a happy solution to this problem, but considering that Malfoy is behind Osbert, guiding his movements, that won't be happening (much as I might want it to). Osbert's daughter, in a perfect world, would be alive.

Thanks for the lovely review!

~Olivia


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Review #17, by Veritaserum27 Chapter the First

20th September 2014:
Hi BellaLestrange87!

I'm here for the BvB review battle in the common room. I've been meaning to review something of yours for a while and I was so excited to see you'd been the last to post there.

I love the premise for this story. It's very clever and promises to be really interesting. This first chapter is done really well, setting up the story and giving us a bit of background, but not overdone. A lot of writers make the mistake of trying to cram too much back story into the first chapter.

I also really liked your summary. It told me exactly what I needed to know and made me want to read on! Good job.

The only little bit of advice I would give is to possibly show the build of of Ignatius's need for blood throughout the chapter. It seemed a bit off that he suddenly needed to use the woman when he was thinking about killing a cow a few sentences before.

You've also done a great job with the descriptions. I could picture the pub, Knockturn Alley and Ignatius really well within this first chapter. Also, your portrayal and explanation of how Vampires are viewed by the Ministry was excellent. It is entirely believable and sets up your story really well.

Great first chapter!

Beth

Author's Response: Hi Beth!

I'n happy you like it. The first chapter/prologue was really easy to write, and so since I like to worry about things, I started worrying about whether it wasn't as good because I didn't spend as much time on it. Your positive feedback (as well as everyone else's) is encouraging there.

I HATE writing summaries because they're hard to do and this was no exception. After about an hour of wrangling it turned into this.

I'll take your CC into account when I go to edit this. In fact, I might need to start a list of stuff I need to change. Going through, I've found some stuff and others have been pointed out.

The Ministry definitely doesn't like vampires, and I'd like to think their attitude isn't any different from what it is in Harry's time - similar to the werewolves. Just as Umbridge was the fierce anti-human champion (that's not the best way to say it but it'll have to do) in her time, Septimus Malfoy is in his. They'd get along so well.

~Olivia


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Review #18, by Leonore Chapter the Second

15th September 2014:
Yes! Osbert makes an appearance in this chapter! I'm a sucker for wizarding politicians, and he looks to be an especially interesting one.

I feel like this would flow better, but might just be my personal opinion: "The Auror to whom he told his story followed him dubiously into the alley."

The end of that first section... yeah, that's effective. Really effective. Something is quite clearly wrong. We know what from the story summary, but still effective.

Ah, Septimus Malfoy. His presence makes so much sense.

You might want to capitalise 'head' in order to indicate that it's a title and not Malfoy's head (which I thought it was at first, especially coming straight after the word 'blond') "The tall blond Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement stood to Osbert's right." And I feel like 'Osbert's right' flows better than 'to the right of Osbert' but again, my opinion.

'scum that live there'. Ooh yes. Lovely evidence of his opinions towards a certain segment of society - and his openness about his hatred. To treat them with no respect shows a level of overconfidence (that's not the right word to describe it but it'll have to do).


Septimus Malfoy guides his hatred of vampires. Yes, that makes so much sense. And dirty tactics to get himself the positition of trust... dirty politics, the best kind (in fictional settings, that is). Ah, note Malfoy is the one drafting the bill...

I definitely like Nightstalker. He might have killed the Minister's daughter casually and with no respect for the body or anything, but he's not going to run away from something he's caused. That last section, the dialogue is bang on. Gorgeous descriptions scattered right through, too.

Amazing so far. Well done. I absolutely love the setting you've come up with - originality and dirty politics! Yes!

~ Leo xx

Blue v. Bronze review battle.

Author's Response: Haha, I knew when I saw you posted in the thread that you'd like Osbert. He and Malfoy have a long history together, and Malfoy isn't exactly the nicest of guys (what an understatement).

Yes, something is definitely wrong. Obviously, we know what, but this is still very early in the story.

Septimus Malfoy doesn't really guide Osbert's hatred of vampires as manipulate it for his own purposes. Of course, now that one has killed his daughter, Osbert is a lot less... tolerant, you could say. The real Minister here is Malfoy. Osbert is just a figurehead that he uses to keep the impression that there is democracy.

I think it's a combination of overconfidence and arrogance that is Malfoy's problem. It's the same attitude that is displayed by his descendants in Harry Potter's era, as well as the rest of the pure-blood supremacists: "I am better than you. Deal with it." Of course, that always starts problems when the group that is supposed to be inferior takes matters into their own hands.

Nightstalker isn't going to run away, once he faces the fact that this gigantic mess is his fault. He has a... shall we say antagonistic relationship with Septimus Malfoy, basically a more violent version of Arthur Weasley and Lucius Malfoy, which comes into play later. (In fact, Malfoy accuses him of being a coward to get him going. Oops... a small spoiler.)


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Review #19, by patronus_charm Chapter the First

14th September 2014:
Hi Olivia!

Ooh I really loved the background you built up for Nightstalker as it was just so intriguing and different and left me wanted to know more and more about them. Even though I get the feeling he is a dark character whoís probably done a lot of bad stuff given how he beat up Septimus, I have a feeling heís going to be one who you just canít help but fall in love with too. Plus, the fact heís a vampire makes him even cooler.

Your descriptions in this chapter were really great and had this wonderful dark, gothic vibe about them which just drew me in and kept me mesmerised. Another thing which was really good was the way you slipped in all those little additions about what it was like to live on the dark side of life so to speak and a great example of that was with how the vampire had extra special powers. It was just such a nice touch and really added a lot to the story!

One thing I might suggest to improve the flow of the story is perhaps group some of your paragraphs together because on the whole they are a little on the small side which means the flow of the story isnít as great, but making them a little bigger should solve that. :)

Great first chapter though! :)

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hi Kiana!

Nightstalker is indeed a troubled character, and I'm glad you like him. Septimus isn't innocent either (he's a Malfoy, no good comes from Malfoys in high places), but that's not the point. Nightstalker has a dark background that will be revealed in future chapters (once I figure out exactly what that background is.)

Vampires definitely don't have an easy life here. When I planned this I took inspiration from Lupin's description of his struggles as a werewolf and thought that it could be applied to vampires, over two hundred years earlier. (Nothing has changed.) Their special powers are some of the more common ones from a Wikipedia article I found (there's no Twilight abilities in here; if they go in the sun, they die. They don't sparkle.)

I'll take the CC in mind when I write Chapter 4, and make bigger paragraphs. In my defence, they look bigger on Microsoft Word :)

Thanks for the lovely review!

~Olivia


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Review #20, by True Author Chapter the First

13th September 2014:
Oh, this was creepy! Vampires always freak me out and scare me to death, I don't know why. :P But there was something about the way you described this one that made it all scarier. But in a nice way of course! Everyone likes to read a scary story once in a while! :D

I'm very curious about what is going to happen. I can't wait to see who the young woman was and why she would be a trouble for Nightstalker (good name by the way!). I like that you kept the first chapter short. This makes the story even more interesting.

And I love your banner! It's bloody gorgeous! :D

Ashwini

Author's Response: Hello!

Scary stories are good once in a while (or all the time, depending on taste).

The young woman will be a lot of trouble for Nightstalker. He's a vampire who is active at night, so I thought it a fitting name.

I'll pass your compliment about the banner on to the artist who made it.

Thanks for the lovely review!

~Olivia


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Review #21, by Leonore Chapter the First

7th September 2014:
Hi! Leo here from BvB.

I love the premise for this story. I've never seen anything like it before, and this is an amazing first chapter. Really well done.

I've got a suggested revision of a sentence, mainly for reasons of tenses: "He'd viciously defeated Septimus Malfoy in a duel, so now the entire Auror force was out looking for him."

Scene well explained. And that encounter with the woman at the end - that's brilliantly written. I can feel the instincts in him, the draw to bite, the fact that while in many ways he's like a man he's also very different. Carefully chosen words get some great tension up. And that line "The horror on her face made him angry." Yes, I can imagine why that would make him angry. There's a certain amount of sympathy, despite what he's doing.

Caught a little typo, in the second to last line - it should be "and slept the SLEEP of the content."

Ooh, amazing final sentence.

Brilliant. And really original.

~ Leo xx

Author's Response:

Hi Leo!

About the sentence revision, and the typo: I thought I caught all the errors. Guess not.
*frowns*

I'm glad you thought the scene was explained well. I spent quite a bit of time on it, so it's nice to see positive feedback :)

Having someone being horrified at Nightstalker just because of something he couldn't control would definitely have made him mad. When I get my muse back I'll go more in-depth into his backstory, about how he became a vampire, and his motivations, but for now I'll just respond to reviews. Stupid writer's block. *sighs*

Thanks for the lovely review!

~Olivia


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Review #22, by newgenerationlover Chapter the First

6th September 2014:
Hi there! Here for the BvB battle!

So I really enjoyed this beginning! You took on a very clinical tone with your narration, just showing what happened and why, no real emotion showing and I found that very interesting. I really liked all of your descriptions. I could really see the scene myself with them so good job!

Oh no! He killed her! So was it just that he was so hungry that he could no longer stop himself from killing the innocent, a thing he expressed loathing of? It would be so horrible to be forced to do things that go against your moral code just because of your thirst.

Hope you don't mind a little CC! Try changing up sentence structure here and there, otherwise it will read monotonous. For instance in the first paragraph, instead of "The floor was covered in a carpet of brown dirt that produced clouds of dust whenever someone took a step." Try something like "Covered in a carpet of brown dirt, the floor produced clouds of dust whenever someone took a step." Also, try to get rid of some of the simple sentences and combine them like "Most of them were dodgy characters, as the clientele of a Knockturn Alley establishment was expected to be. The majority were crowded into tight-knit groups of four or five." into "Most were dodgy characters, as the clientele of a Knockturn Alley establishment was expected to be, who crowded into tight-knit groups of four or five."

Ok, sorry, that CC looks really long but its just because of the multiple copy and pasted sentences! I really did enjoy this beginning! Good job with the story so far!

-Mary

Author's Response: Hi Mary!

It's always a compliment when someone tells you that they could visualize your scene. Thank you :)

Yes, the woman is dead. Nightstalker is not happy with himself about that. He's a very Lupin-esque character (at least in my mind.)

I'll try and vary my sentences, once I find my muse again - I've lost it :(.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the review!

~Olivia


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Review #23, by magnolia_magic Chapter the First

25th August 2014:
Tag!

I have to say I've never read a vampire story on HPFF before, and I'm glad yours turned out to be the first! I'm super intrigued by this opening chapter, and I can't wait to see more.

I love the brooding feel you've set up here. It has just the right amount of drama and mystery--perfect for a prologue. I can't wait for the woman (the minister's daughter?) to play a more central role in the story so we can get to know her better, as well as Ignatius. You don't give away much detail about his personality or his past, and that just makes me that much more excited to read on.

I really like the premise you have going for this story. While I'm not necessarily that interested in vampires, I do love a good underdog story, and I think this one has the potential to be really inspiring (in a dark sort of way, of course.) You describe the plight of vampires so well; my heart goes out to them. Even though they're really creepy and dangerous, it isn't their fault when you think about it. Sad times :( But I'm looking forward to seeing how Ignatius and the other vampires choose to deal with their circumstances.

You've got me hooked! I will definitely be stalking this one for updates :) Keep it up!

--Maggie

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm glad you're intrigued. I wanted a mysterious feel with this prologue, and I guess I succeeded :)

The woman does play a central role, just not while she's alive, and we do get to know her better (I read your PM).

This is definitely going to be an underdog story. I'm still working out how this is going to fit in with canon, as well as the direction the plot is going to go.

I will definitely update again once I find my muse and get a break in coursework.


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