Reading Reviews for Playing for Keeps
64 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ravenclaw_princess Shooting Star, After Midnight

22nd January 2015:
Hello. Here for your BvB review

Well done on a great chapter. I was completely drawn into the surrounding and the characters and it kind of felt like I was there, watching the action unfold.

The first few paragraphs were brilliant for hooking me in. The imagery of the setting was very captivating and created such a rich world. I really felt like I was in Vegas. You really created the air of temptation and devilry with the language yu used and the small details you added, such as the tight sequined dress.

The use of first person gave this chapter a real sense of mystery. While I have my suspicions of who the girl is, we end this chapter with very little details about her or her background. Playing a pool shark in a casino and waging unsuspecting men out of lots of cash is hardly the 'profession' someone dreams to be in (I do assume here a little), so it will be interesting to learn more about her and how she ended up on this path. I'm not sure exactly what sort of arrangement she's in with Freddy Weasley but it does sound a little unsavoury.

I loved the interactions between the two characters as they played pool. I think you tapped into the gambling mindset quite well and how it was so easy for him to overlook the signs of a ploy and just want to try once more to get the big win.

I loved the language you've used. There are lots of wonderful descriptions that create a very rich setting that is so easy to picture. This is a great first chapter and I'll definitely be back to read more.


 Report Review

Review #2, by Veritaserum27 A Drink With the Devil

19th January 2015:
Hi there Mallory, here for the BvB review battle!

I'm so excited I had some extra time today to get really into this story. I'm pretty sure I'm hooked at the moment. :)

I absolutely loved this chapter. I thought it was awkward in all the right places and you brilliantly showed a little bit of chemistry between Anne and James. I also loved that while she's learned a little more about him, she's not even close to dropping her guard down. The wounds are too deep. In fact, I'm impressed with the way you've paced this entire story. Each chapter just keeps getting better and better.

I'm sorry to be gushing a bit here, but the fact that you've subtlety layered a little bit of mystery along with James's back story in this chapter was brilliant. I'm wondering exactly how Anne got caught up working for Freddy and how completely dangerous he can be. If he's willing to turn in his own cousin to Azkaban just to make a few galleons, what sort of retaliation will he take when he finds out his employee is the one teaching James how to play? I'm a little worried for Anne. Although she can play the part of pool hustler really well, how savvy is she when dealing with a crime boss with very little scruples?

I can't comment on your accuracy of the description of the pub, because I'm not British, but I definitely got the sense that they were in a bar.

And James still has no idea who Anne is (or that they have a past). You're keeping me hooked - I need to know more!

♥ Beth

 Report Review

Review #3, by Veritaserum27 Ready, Aim, Miss...

19th January 2015:
Hello Mallory!

Here for BvB again!

I'm glad you posted again because I'm getting really into this story. James reminds me of a little puppy (I know you referred to him as a dog), but he's much more childlike. And sometimes I think Annie wants to take a rolled up newspaper and smack him across the nose :) He's afraid of riding in the car, can't seem to learn things until she's told him several times and thinks he's done a great job when he just scratched - haha!

I'd like to think Annie is enjoying seeing her nemesis need her, but she mostly just seems annoyed at him. It's fun for me, anyway to see someone who made her Hogwarts years so daunting that she can't bear to think about it really struggle with something as basic as remembering how to use the cue stick.

I really like the scene with Hattie - she is a sweetheart and I'm so glad Annie has her for a friend. It's cute that she tries to set Annie up with everyone, but I think she's trying to do it so Annie can see what an amazing person she is. Although she knows that she is really great at pool, she doesn't seem to have much self-confidence otherwise and it makes me a little sad.

Overall, I liked the light tone of this chapter!

Great job!

♥ Beth

 Report Review

Review #4, by Veritaserum27 The Woes of Working Retail

19th January 2015:
Hi there!

I'm here for the BvB review battle!

I think this was my most favorite chapter so far! We really get to see more of Anne's life. You can tell that this sweet Hufflepuff has been hardened by something. I'm guessing James Potter had a lot to do with it.

I feel like Anne's voice is really coming through in this chapter, more so than the others. It was an absolute pleasure to read. I was chuckling all through it - and moaning along with her at her misfortune. She's got to deal with an unruly boss, a dissatisfied mother, hiding her true talents, and dealing with James!

James seems to be more than a little arrogant. He uses his position of power as the customer to get what he wants. And although he's recognized Anne from the pool hall, it doesn't seem that he realizes they knew each other at Hogwarts. Although, you let a little hint drop that she is now using her middle name. The last chapter mentioned that she was known at Hogwarts by some horrible nickname that her sister gave her and I'm dying to know what it is!

Oooo! A bit of a cliffhanger - what's so special about "The Snoozing Dog?"

Can't wait to read more!

♥ Beth

 Report Review

Review #5, by Aphoride Not All Men, But Most of Them

14th January 2015:
Hi Mallory! :) Stopping by from the BvB, because unfortunately I'm supposed to be doing work today, and I need an excuse to pop back to this (well, no, I don't, but it sounds better if I do, right? :P)!

I'm catching up, too... and I'm so glad about it! I love this story to pieces, seriously, and I'm so excited about seeing where it's going to go next and everything. Nothing about this story is predictable, and I love it! :)

I love Annie's character so much - I love how strong she is, or pretends she is, and how she's such a good actress and her true skill is more of a shady, or shadily-used, one than other people's. She's just so fascinating, and so unique as an OC - I haven't seen many who genuinely hate a Potter, and don't seem to be likely to fall in love with them any time soon!

I loved learning more about Freddy, and the Shooting Star - using George as a comparison was such a cool idea! And they are reasonably similar in some ways... I never thought of that at all! - and how Annie's night progresses, with her 'clients' and all, and how they act with her. It wasn't shocking, per se, but it was something which should perhaps be shocking, if you get my drift? Like, it's the kind of behaviour which just makes you want to leave somewhere... ugh. Kudos to Annie for handling it all so well - though I suppose since she's been doing this for a while, she must be used to a lot of it, which is pretty sad.

Still, I guess she filches all their money in the end, which is something... ;)

Ooh, Freddy and James, in the same chapter! You're spoiling me, haha! I love them both so much! They're like opposites - James is the guy who knows what's on the line and knows when he's crossed it, if not immediately, and Freddy is the kind of guy who just keeps pushing because he can. It's great characterisation, with both of them! I loved how bumbling James was in this one, too - how he didn't think through why playing pool in Freddy's casino would be bad. Poor guy :P

On another note, Freddy's proposition for Annie sounds terrifying. I'm betting it's really not going to be good news, though I don't know what... ooh, maybe he's going to get her to play James in the match? I could seem him doing that just to try and win... so cruel! Or something more sinister... gah, I don't know! I'll just have to read on, I guess... :P

Your writing in this, as always, is amazing. I love the way you write - the description, and especially your dialogue, are soo good. I know I keep saying this, but it's true! There's nothing I can do but keep repeating it :P You are so, so good at weaving the plot together, as well, I'm so jealous of that - there's all these little strands and I know they're going to come together in the end, and make something I didn't expect. Plus, the mystery is incredible. I really, really cannot predict anything in this story, and I love it! :)

I'll see you soon for the next chapter, no doubt ;)

Aph xx

 Report Review

Review #6, by toomanycurls A Face From the Past

12th January 2015:
I should read summaries before guessing who people are. *cough* Erase what I said about the chick being Rose. *cough*

So, I'm desperately curious about the history between these two. Clearly they know each other (from school?) and possibly don't like each other. I am still in love iwth the way your MC knows the power dynamic between her and everyone else which she uses to her advantage.

James' question about her knowing who she is does make him sound like a little boy rather than a famous and intimidating figure. I love this line to pieces: “Not at all. I was merely reciprocating your question in the hopes that the relevance of this conversation would begin to make itself known.”

It seems to deflate James so much. Oh it does make me sad to think of James as a bully at school but the way you've described it makes sense. Kindo f like the way Dumbledore worried Harry would be if raised in the wizarding world.

I must be in a vindictive mood as well because I love how James is suddenly trying to justify his fame and presumption. I love that she puts him down so much and goes on a diatribe about his easy life with an adoring crowd. It is quite egotistic of him to assume she'd just drop everything and teach him.

Ah! I love this attitude and sense of power.


 Report Review

Review #7, by Aphoride Learning From the Best

12th January 2015:
Hi there, Mallory! :) Sorry for the delay in getting this to you from the BvB battle - stupid uni internet logged me out and I lost the whole thing before I could post it, and had to redo it, so I'm here now for the second time! :)

(Not that I mind, tbh - since you always leave me such amaazing reviews, it's only fair I try and do something similar in return. (And fail, almost certainly :P))

I loved the flashbacks, showing how she started playing pool and finding out more about her family - especially her dad - and a few more details about her life at Hogwarts. Annie's such a mysterious main character, you know, and I love how you reveal more about her with each chapter, but she still maintains the whole mysterious aura-thing - though I loved going into more detail on her. It really didn't feel out of place at all.

I loved the way her dad was a muggle and more laid-back, and her mum was the witch and the high-flyer. I don't know, it just seemed so original to me, and I loved how she's a half-blood with a very mixed family, with different backgrounds and different interests, rather than simply a pureblood or muggleborn, which seems to be more common in OCs. The scene with her dad and her chatting, and the build-up of their relationship was so sweet, and I loved how it was when she was with him that her magic first came out. Sort of adds to the whole pool thing - her first magic involving pool balls ;)

As always, the detail in this is amazing. I particularly love the sensory stuff you do - with the smoke smell, and the feel/touch bits, with the wood and the carpet. The moment where she sneezed made me laugh - it's so true to life, though! It always happens that you end up needing to sneeze or cough when you're hiding somewhere, cliche as it may sound :P

Got to be honest, though, I am missing James a little bit in this - but last chapter was a James-heavy chapter, so I'll let it slide :P ;)

Anyway, I still love this story and I really loved this little drop back into Annie's past - I think it really helped round out her character more, and it was just nice to learn more about her, and your writing as usual was amazing and I'm so excited and curious to see where the plot goes next chapter, because the advantage of a flashback one is that you give yourself something of a clean slate for the next chapter ;)

(Also - I'm starting to catch up ;) Slowly, but surely... and then I can beat Emily to next first review :P)

Aph xx

 Report Review

Review #8, by toomanycurls Shooting Star, After Midnight

12th January 2015:
Ooh, this looks very interesting. I like the use of sexuality and power between both people. It's very coy for your MC to play on the guy's ego and win so much gold. I can imagine how frustrating it would be to put up iwth that kind of behavior night after night - I wouldn't be able to keep a neutral, vapid smile with their condescending behavior.

The man who she hustled must be dreading going back to his wife.

I'm making a guess that the narrator is Rose - which make it very interesting with Fred being her, uh, boss guy. That's a very unique dynamic to have with the Wotters. this is such a creative setting for a next-gen story. So much of the plot is still a mystery but you've laid a fascinating foundation.

I'm glad you have quite a bit of this up - it'll make for an interesting read!


 Report Review

Review #9, by Veritaserum27 Mint Chocolate Chip Memories

11th January 2015:
Hi there Mallory!

Here for the review swap - I'm so glad we did this - I need to get back into this story.

I read your author's note, but I thought this chapter went really smoothly. In fact, I think it was pertinent to the story that we learn something about Annie's (Portia's?) back story. You gave her character so much more depth.

This is a VERY different Annie than we saw in the first two chapters. She's still suffering from the bullying she endured at Hogwarts and it explains so much why she hates James Potter and doesn't want to teach him pool. It also added a lot more mystery to the story. It seems a bit coincidental that he shows up at HER casino and demands this of her. I'm wondering if he just might know more than he is letting on.

Hattie seems awesome! I'm in love with her already as she is someone that has always been there for Annie. And I love that they are such opposites but they seem to fit together so well.

I really feel for Annie here (so glad to know her name now!). She's never really felt like she's fit in anywhere - and that seems like it was just exacerbated by her sister and James Potter. I'm really hating on James right now.

I can't wait to read more! Great story!

♥ Beth

 Report Review

Review #10, by Aphoride A Drink With the Devil

11th January 2015:
Hello again, Mallory! :) I just had to keep reading on - I've missed this story!

I love how this chapter continued on with the last chapter's last scene, and the lesson and how it's going for James. Dear god, he's not very good is he? :P Poor guy, doesn't really help when you consider what a bad situation he's in either... I mean, with your cousin threatening to potentially land you in prison via blackmail, you'd probably be hoping you'd turn out to be a natural in the game, tbh, and it's really, really not like that for him. Still, it's nice to see him being taken down a peg or two, what with Annie and his backstory. It's a strange sort of thing, because he's not a wholly detestable character, but at the same time, he's not a wholly likable character because there's this whole past he has... it's really complex, though, and I love it! :)

That conversation between James and Annie at the bar was so mysterious! Like, I wanna know so much more! Why don't he and Harry get on so well? What is this information Freddie knows which is so dangerous? Did James do something, or say something? Does Freddie have incriminating pictures or something - how does he know about it? I can't help but feel Freddie's a lot more of a sinister character than he seems, with all the games and so on... highly suspicious individual :P

I have to be honest, I actually felt a little bit sorry for James when she refused to call him by his first name... I mean, he's trying, poor guy, and he genuinely doesn't remember - but then again, you can't really blame her for not wanting to get on with him. Ah, you're too good at characterisation! I like them both, haha :P

I loved this chapter - the writing was gorgeous, your dialogue is amazing as always, your characterisation is so good - and I liked how this wasn't a massively plot-heavy chapter, but it developed things further, set up these little clue-like things about Freddie and James' bet and so on... so curious :)

I'll be back sooner than I have been before... ;)

Aph xx

 Report Review

Review #11, by Aphoride Ready, Aim, Miss...

11th January 2015:
Mallory, Mallory, Mallory! :) So sorry it's been so long since I've been here (and I'm waaay, way too flattered that you dedicated this chapter to me - it's amazingly sweet of you! :D), but I'm here now, and I've got loads of time to catch up on this story. Really, it's been far too long... blame exams! :P

I love this story so much (and, you know what, I was actually playing pool last week, haha, so it's beautifully coincidental that I'm back with this now) - there's something so wonderfully unique about it, with the pool aspect and all the different subplots into it, with the maybe-not romance sort of thing, and the mystery aspect and so on. It's so wonderful! :)

I love Annie's character so much - she's such a great OC, with the way she was bullied before, and how she hates James and doesn't think he's attractive, and how she's so witty with the little quips and things she makes about James and Barry, and to them too. Your dialogue is so lovely - I'm so jealous! I find it so hard, but for you, it's amazing, it always seems so easy for you, whether it's internal monologue comments or conversation.

The details in this are incredible, too, speaking about writing. I love all the little mentions of how she's called 'Miss Eight' and the muggle bar and the muggle taxi, and how she has this whole sort of double life - I love how you build it up throughout the whole thing. The scene with her trying to teach James how to play pool was hilarious - I loved all the little wizard/muggle things in it, how James doesn't know how to hold the cue and hit it and just can't... it seems so simple when you know how to do it, haha, but I can imagine it would be so hard for people to learn if they'd never seen it before!

All of your supporting characters are so good, too - is it wrong to say that I love Barry? :P I don't know, he's not a nice guy, but I love how he's a failed Quidditch player who now runs a Quidditch shop, so he's sort of close enough to the sport without being able to play it. Annie's friend Hattie is so good, too - I love the little interludes with her, and how she tries to persuade Annie to go on dates. The little mentions of other characters we haven't actually met yet, like Adam, are so great, too - they really make this whole thing 3D, you know? :)

I love this story so much (I keep saying this, but it's true!), and I'm gonna have to keep going... :) See you next chapter! :P

Aph xx

 Report Review

Review #12, by BookDinosaur On Vertic's Alley

11th November 2014:
I realised that I hadn't reviewed this yet. :O BLASPHEMY. So here I am with my ambition screaming at me to get on with NaNo, don't listen to it. I'm doing perfectly fine.

Oh, Annie. Honestly I find that the way you write her is just so amazing - she has to keep in his good books, but she doesn't like him, and there's bad past between them that only she remembers, and she's understandably bitter about James and then there's the whole pool thing - it's a super complicated situation for anyone to be and you write all her feelings and her emotions - so perfectly. I love it, this is really amazing.

Ahhh, Vertic's Alley - is that a play on words, like how Diagon Alley is a play on word 'Diagonally' and then Vertic's Alley is a play on the word 'Vertical'? Anyway, whatever prompted you to pick that name, it fits the whole wixen world so well, it's seriously amazing. your descriptions of the teenagers and the shops - it's all so vivid, enough-but-not-too-much, your description is absolutely perfect. ♥

You know, I kept laughing at the way that she called him 'Potter' and then kept trying to fix it to 'James', ahaha. Shes clearly still pretty uncomfortable with him, and the funnier thing is that he's trying to get more comfortable with her - the contrast there, between the two of them, is pretty funny.

Yeah Annie. Do not speak of the Cannons and the Kestrals like that. Honestly, James is pretty protective of his team, isn't he? :P Raging Potter beast indeed.

Honestly, I wonder how James would react if he knew who Annie was? Would he be so respectful, would he go back to bullying her, would he try to apologise? Would he even have asked her for help? It's an interesting question, anyway.

UGH UGH UGH UGH THE END MALLORY WHAT IS THIS THE END just look at that!! It's going to work out for her but not for him - WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. So she is going to set him up? OH MY GOD Mallory I need answers wahhh *cries*

You are a fab NaNo Mum and Daughter and Sister and I can't wiat for the next chapter to come up. Update soon!

 Report Review

Review #13, by LightLeviosa5443 Shooting Star, After Midnight

10th November 2014:
Hey Mallory!

Here for the BvB!! I could've sworn that I've reviewed this chapter already. I recognize it, I'm wondering if I read part of it and just never got to reviewing. Anyway! I'm here now and wow is this great!

I love the way that you open the story by describing the setting. I feel like if I close my eyes right now I can picture the entire place and really feel the mood that you're setting. Which is a wonderful wonderful feeling. The main character is really wonderful, I love the way she puts on a persona and how you can see the contrast between what she thinks and what she projects outwards. It's really fun and interesting and the perfect way to start off your story.

I'm really just so in love with the language. I can't get over how you've written it. This is great great great, Mallory!!

What I love is your description of the actual playing itself. Do you play pool? If you do, wonderful that you're putting your knowledge to use. If you don't, impressive that you've given us such a clear image and painted such a believable scene in this story. In fact, based a story around it.

The main character here really just draws you in, and I love seeing her mood grow and techniques climb as the night goes on. She's really great at what she does, and you've made it clear for the reader. I like that you've shown us her confidence.

I also love that you explain the game in little sections. I was wondering how she got all of the balls in, but when you explained that hers would just have to go in before his fell in, it made so much sense. I really like that that was in there, it just sort of ties together nicely, for me.

I am in LOVE with the line "Men had been known to cry when Fair Fortune decided to frown upon them." It's such a great line. Such a great way to lead on from the excitement of the chapter into the settling of it!

I can't wait to find out who the guy who stepped in at the end is!! This was a magnificent first chapter!! I'm totally hooked and I'll definitely have to keep reading to find out what happens later!!

Great job, girl!!

xoxo Sarah ♥

 Report Review

Review #14, by patronus_charm Shooting Star, After Midnight

8th November 2014:
Hey Mallory!

Ooh ooh ooh this story is very intriguing and very cool and I may be a little bit in love with it. I love all the world building you did because I always find that when the author makes new locations and activities for wizards and witches to do it makes the story a whole lo more magical. I'm not sure why really but it just does. You also described it in a load of detail too so it wasn't confusing at all and I could really imagine it and it's just cool!

But oh my wizard god is your OC super cool. I really love super confident ones because you rarely ever come across them in FF as I guess there is the danger of them becoming a little too Mary-Sue, but it doesn't seem like it hear, and I can imagine that her confidence means that she's going to get up to some interesting escapades. I really liked how passionate she was about the game of pool because she made it seem a lot more interesting that it seems to be in real love. Plus, the way she didn't seem to even feel a bit guilty about tricky that poor man out of his money made me laugh (even though I probably shouldn't have done!) as it just showed how great your character development is as I already have such a vivid sense of her.

More on your character development though, because even that minor man was developed so well and you really do have me worrying what on earth Bonnie is going to say to him when he gets home, and it's great how you didn't even neglect tiny things such as that.

Finally, the mystery with Freddy has caught my attention. I wonder what on earth is going on there as I never imagined him to be a criminal so I wonder whether Molly Weasley knows anything about this. I have a feeling that there's some history between the two of them so I can't wait to see them together as I'm sure it's going to be interesting.

Great first chapter, Mallory! :D


 Report Review

Review #15, by potterfan310 On Vertic's Alley

5th November 2014:
Hey, me again.

If I was Annie I wouldn't be too bothered about making James wait.

Ahh I LOVE your descriptions especially about the Alley and the new one coming off it. I think I've just been transported there :D

James really is clueless about Muggle life and things isn't he?

Soda - Would be Fizzy Pop or even just coke or lemonade

"the original Wiz Kid himself is slightly dangerous." This just made me laugh because I swear the first bit is from one of the AVPS songs and that's all I have in my head right now :)

I am so, so happy that Annie was mean to him in a way. He definitely showed a different side when she mention the Cannons incident which is interesting. It makes me wonder that apart from his mean side at Hogwarts whether he has a dark streak like Freddy too.

Somehow I think that if James knew who she really was and what happened in the past I feel like he certainly wouldn't be calling Annie 'cool'. I can't tell which James is really him, which is good because it's keeping me on my toes. It's like he has all these different sides and with every chapter a new one is coming out which is quite cool.

Yay for NaNo. Good Luck ♥

Sophie xx

 Report Review

Review #16, by potterfan310 Aftermath and Arrangements

5th November 2014:

It's nice seeing Annie at home, I was starting to think she lived at the Casino :p I also can't wait to see more of her with Hattie, which I'm assuming will be in this chapter since Annie's home. What she remembers could easily sound like a nightmare, poor Annie. I'm definitely excited to see how she deals with the not telling Freddy/James about the other.

Freddie's letter, it might have been short but I can't help but laugh at the bit about adults getting up before eight on a weekday, it's almost as if he doesn't consider Annie an adult even though she's only a few years younger than him. Just curious, how old is she anyway?

Ahh her sister! So her sister was friends with James, oh no, that gives me an even worse feeling. I guess I was right in a way her sister isn't such a pretty person as her name suggests. Is it any wonder Annie hates her and that nickname, Portia is a pretty name but I can understand why she goes by Annie, bless her.

I feel for Annie, so, so much. Not so much with the name thing but with wondering whether she should even bother apologising to James, since was so horrible to her for no apparent reason. I love pretty much everything she said and crossed out, I've definitely felt like that before. She should have stuck with the original one :p But I'm definitely curious as to why she is continuing to meet with him when they have such a past and that if Freddy finds out she'll lose her job (or maybe worse). Maybe it's just me (and that I can relate to her with the background with James), but I secretly hope Annie is planning on some sort of revenge for him.

Yay, there is more Hattie! Ha! Her stories from St. Mungo's. I love the two of them together, hopefully there will be more of them together soon. Definitely relatable characters and they just seem to bounce off one another really well.

Off to the next one :)

Sophie x

 Report Review

Review #17, by BookDinosaur Aftermath and Arrangements

25th October 2014:
AHH HI FIRST REVIEW FIRST REVIEW FIRST REVIEW I want this to be first review is that so much to ask???

Agh, you know, it's so weird to see Annie at home and not in the casino - I was getting so used to Annie as the cunning conwoman, the trickster, the seductive pool player, that seeing her at home and groggy after a long night was a really subtle reminder that she's still only human, so kudos to you for pulling that off so seamlessly!

These little details you add into the story are so amazing! Like how Freddy changes messenger birds every week, and how he signs off his letters with the XOXO - it all adds so much to the story and the character, and I absolutely love the atmosphere it brings. ♥

Ahh, so the meeting with Freddy is important enough for Freddy to want to remind Annie to come, and to wear something nice. You have me very keyed up for this meeting that's going to happen, Mallory.

Gosh and Annie really does want to meet up with James again! Honestly, I wonder what on earth she wants with him, especially as she knows Freddy will fire her. - and worse - if she gets caught with him. I wonder whether it's all part of a plan just to build his hopes up and then defeat him, or whether she actually thinks that there's a way out of this. Honestly, at the moment all I can think of is teaching James so well that he can pot all the balls in one go and not let Annie have a go, but honestly AI don't really see that happening? Ahh, I can't wait to see where this will go.

I can definitely see how writing that letter would be cathartic to Annie, with all those insults, haha! And that flashback you stuck in was wonderful as well, it really gave us a bit of background on Annie and James' nasty Hogwarts relationship, and why she was calling her sister nasty names in her head in the previous chapters. Gosh, poor poor Annie, being bullied like that at Hogwarts! And I see why she prefers Annie to Portia now, which is sad because I think Portia's a lovely name.

Honestly, I wonder whether James has changed and what'll happen to them - looking forward to seeing where you choose to take their relationship!

Ooh, and before I sign off, Hattie and Annie's friendship is brilliant! I love the way you write them, and I love the way they seem to balance each other out, and how they cover for each other - it's honestly just like something which could happen in real life.


 Report Review

Review #18, by BookDinosaur The Boss and the Business Proposition

25th October 2014:
Hi Mallory! Slightly later than expected but I'm here now, yeah? :P

Ahh, this was such a great chapter! So many questions answered, aa appearance from the famous Freddy, a lot more light on the details of this bet. :D

Ooh, Freddy first. I am rather impressed that he can play pool, haha! I think that with this one appearance, you've done a really fab job of showing us what he's like and giving him a pretty fleshed-out character. I just want to point out that he's pretty much the complete opposite of most portrayals I've read about him; a Slytherin, on the slightly shady side of the law, at loggerheads with James, and most of the time authors are writing him as a Gryffindor, upright and honourable, and best friends with James.

I don't know whether you meant to subvert his normal portrayals or not but you've done a really good job of establishing his character in this! Maybe it's just me, but he's honestly coming off as a little crazy, what with the glowing eyes and almost-bursting-with-excitement attitude he's showing. Maybe he's just sadistic? And in answer to your questions, I do think he's a bit of a creep, and yes, it's very cool that he's an actor and a casino owner. Mad skillz, y'all. :P

Ahh, his offer is so one-sided! He's definitely not leaving any space for poor Annie to crawl out of, is he? Gah gah gah, thrice-accursed bet indeed, and poor Anne's just caught in the crossfire. Although that last sentence about eating humble pie and extending her offer of teaching definitely makes me think that Annie has a plan to get herself out of this, I'm really wondering what it is. Thank goodness you've just updated, no? :P

Ahh, sorry for the shortness and just general rubbishness of this review, I just kind of want to get to the next chapter so that I can see what Annie' up to and how she wants to get out of her nasty situation. xD You cunning author you, it's not an obvious cliffhanger at all but the way to set up that sentence at the end leaves the reader wanting more, more, MOAR.

Onto the next chapter!

 Report Review

Review #19, by kenpo The Woes of Working Retail

24th October 2014:

(I never know how to start reviews. I usually stick to "Hello!")

Alright, I love that first line. She's pretending to be sort of not-caring, but she's been keeping an eye out for him, if she's been noticing his name in the paper. I mean... I highly doubt that it would be front page news that he'd been seen there, but she knew about it.

(I'm really hungry but my noodles are too hot to eat. I think that it's really important that you know that.)

I also really like that you say that witches usually tell muggles half-truths. And how awkward that half-truth is. I mean, if she just said "I work in a shop and I'm taking night classes", the "to make myself more marketable for future employees" is sort of implied. Can you imagine if you asked someone what they do and they gave that shpeal (how is that word spelled help me)? Silly magical people.

Have you recently been job searching? I can so relate to her experiences. Walking up and down the town going into every single business, filling out loads of applications online until you find a job that makes you feel like the life is being slowly sucked out of you...

...but I don't work there anymore... back to the story!!

JASLFKJSD:Fl her boss reminds me a little of my old boss that the aforementioned horrible job.

The line about the anti-chafing balm made me laugh!!

You know, I'm gonna stop here and say that I think you're doing a fabulous job making her fit into Hufflepuff. At first when I saw that she was a 'Puff, I was a little apprehensive, but (MY NOODLES ARE COOL ENOUGH TO EAT OMNOMNOMNOM) as I'm reading it she fits in better and better, which also just shows how diverse the houses are. And how awesome Hufflepuffs are. One of things that really stands out there is how hard she tried to get a job, and the fact that she's at least hard working enough to keep a job in retail for that long. I know so many people who gets jobs in retail or service that quit after a few months.


(Do I have to expand or will that suffice?)


Ugh. James is the worst. I really don't like him. He's... eugh. Sometime I'd like to know, which I really wish you'd included, is how do other quidditch stars treat her when they're in the shop? You talk about the media and things, but are they as rude as James, or a little more polite? You touch on it, but I think if you added just a little more, it would give more characterisation to James, telling if his behavior is the norm or not.

Ugh and then when he recognizes her, you can tell that he's just so used to always getting his way. One thing that I'm not is believable is just how awful James is. I'm not sure if I can believe that Ginny would raise such a you-know-what. But that probably just means that he has redeemable qualities deep down. I mean, I guess Percy was a big you-know-what, but he turned around. Maybe there's still hope for James.

I like that Anne felt bad for the owl. Good for her characterisation. You mentioned in a response that you don't think that's one of your strong points, but you're defining theses characters marvelously throughout all of these chapters!

Barry's grunt also made me laugh.

My noodles are officially cool enough to eat, so I'll be ending the review here.

This was a fantastic chapter, as usual. I'm really looking forward to seeing what the Snoozing Dog is like!! Is it one of the places that Anne used to frequent? I can't wait to find out!!

See you at the next chapter,


 Report Review

Review #20, by BookDinosaur Not All Men, But Most of Them

24th October 2014:

This is so late and so overdue that I really have no excuses except...yeah, I got nothing. But I'm here now, right? Right?? Seriously though, I am so sorry for the delay in reviews.

Ugh ugh ugh, I feel so sorry for poor Annie, having to go through that all the time she's working! I mean, it's great that she loves pool and enjoys her job, but seriously, those guys are unsavoury enough to put me off pretty much anything. I guess that getting her revenge on them would be pretty sweet, though, so there is that. You show them, Annie!

Ooh, it's Freddy's time to shine! Well, a little bit. He definitely seems super sleazy, but super cunning too. Ahh, I can't wait to find out more about him because he has the potential to be such a great villain. I am interested in finding out his motives though, why he wants James down so badly.

And aww, James!! So clueless, honestly, so unsuited to the underworld where Freddy's so at home. Did he never consider that Freddy might be angry at Annie's involvement with him? Tsk tsk. And honestly, while I do like James as a character, I'm kind of torn about the way Annie's treating him - I mean, definitely good on her for sticking up to him and for herself and giving him a taste of his medicine, but on the other hand I absolutely hate it when someone's just left in the lurch in cold blood, and that's what Annie just did to James. I'm too soft on fanficiton characters. :P

Ooh, why could Freddy be planning? Definitely looking forward to seeing what he wants from Annie, and what his 'business proposition' could mean for Annie and for James.

On an unrelated topic, can I just say how much I love your chapter title? I don't know how much it has to do with the #NotAllMen and #YesAllWomen campaign, but what you say is so true, and you definitely showed that in Annie's dealings with her 'customers'.

Onto the next chapter, Mallory! ♥

 Report Review

Review #21, by kenpo Mint Chocolate Chip Memories

22nd October 2014:
Hello! I'm on my phone so this will be a shorter review, but I want to attempt to get caught up!

I loved the chapter. I don't think three flashback was at all awkward, it fit well! The only thing that confused me was that I thought they were already best friends, but then you signal that moment as when they became best friends.

Yay! A name! I love the name Portia, haha.

Something I really liked was the way you sort of told time with the melting ice cream. It was a good thing throughout the chapter.

I also loved how Hattie brought a little science to Hogwarts. That kind of thinking will made her a good Healer.

Great chapter!


 Report Review

Review #22, by Veritaserum27 A Face From the Past

19th October 2014:
Hi there!

Here for the BvB review battle from the common room! I'm so glad I caught you this time - it seemed like I was always a bit to late and someone had already reviewed and posted!

Ooo - this story is getting so good. I really, really like the main character. She is confident and seems like she's overcome a lot, including being bullied by James Potter in her Hogwarts days. I want to make a guess that she is a Ravenclaw, and that is based on both her keen intellect, ability to read people really well and her enormous vocabulary.

If the "Freddy" mentioned in chapter 1 is Fred Weasley (II), then I'm guessing that Fred and James aren't very close, either - or he might know who this mystery girl is who works for his cousin. Ooo - maybe Fred is the cousin who made the bet with James! That would make sense!

Either way, you did a fabulous job with this chapter. I want to know more about this girl - her past, her name, and what exactly James did to her so long ago. I LOVE that you didn't have her fall for James's pleas - although they seemed genuine. She did seem to notice that he might be in a real spot of trouble, but whatever his crimes of the past may be, they were too great for her to overlook. I was really expecting her to give in. That says a lot about her character. She's been used and abused by people (I'm guessing not just one - and not just James) to the point of seeing the world from a hardened viewpoint. She thinks everyone is out for themselves and no one gives something for nothing. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out!

Can't wait to read more!

♥ Beth

Author's Response: Hi Beth! I'm so glad you caught me in the BvB! :D

Thank you so so much! My MC has overcome quite a bit, but probably not as much as she makes it out to be. The issue of the first person narrator is that things tend to get way too personal... Well, you'll just have to see. :) Ahh... I can tell you that she isn't a Ravenclaw--her word choice is simply my own love of exciting vocabulary. :D But then again, who said that the other Houses couldn't be intellectual or well-read?

You. guessed it! Freddy and James are not very close at all. You are such a good guesser...

Thank you thank you thank you! You will find out her name soon, I promise! And things will (eventually) start to make sense. Yep, she is certainly not going to bend to "persuasive techniques" that James employs. He's definitely in bigger trouble than she realizes, but she kind of wants him to suffer... And yes, this is quite a dog-eat-dog situation in her viewpoint.

Thanks again for stopping by!


 Report Review

Review #23, by kenpo A Face From the Past

16th October 2014:
Hello! Here for the BvB Battle!

How how how how has it been this long since I read the first chapter? I liked it so much, why didn't I keep following it?!

Oh my gosh. Just that first paragraph is so fantastic!! I love how you list everything that this mysterious person his. It was just... ack, fantastic. Stop it. You're making the rest of us look bad.

You're giving such an impression of a long and intense past, but not actually giving anything away. It's marvelous. You're showing how the character has changed (I'm blanking. Did she have a name? I skimmed the first chapter to refresh my memory, but I don't remember and now I'm very embarrassed). You've given her development from before the story even started, and it's just so well done. You're also hinting at not much change for this man.

WHAT he doesn't remember her? What is happening I'm confused what is going on why is this so good NO TIME FOR PERIODS MUST KEEP READING

AHHH I love the game she's playing with who I'm assuming is James. She's awesome. I love her. She's awesome. MORE READING NO TIME FOR EMBELLISHMENT

aksdjflakjsd;flk this was so good. I love her. I loved this chapter. YOU WRITE SO RIDICULOUSLY WELL.

I need to take deep breaths and try to give this review some sort of structure.

I have no criticism. Onto the praise:

Characterisation. Ooooh. OODLES. Oodles. You've made me use the word "oodles". You've given James the role of being this seducer, you've hinted at him being a bully, you've shown that he's got some insecurities, being so shocked that she "didn't know" who he was. And then he's so entitled, and unable to see why he shouldn't get his way. But he's also really proud, isn't he? He jumps to defend his team and say why her's isn't as good.

And then she's just fantastic. I can't even say anything other than that she's just... fantastic. You write her so well, and she's just infectious and I want to keep reading her.

Your writing is amazing and consistent and amazing. It's... smokey. I can see the dark room, and thick curtains and thick fabric, and just... smokiness. Does that make sense?

And your word choice. I love that you keep saying stilettos instead of "shoes". And some of your other words... sardonically, for one. I think my favorite line was about how she went from mouse to cat. That was great.

Okay. This was so fantastic. I need to remind myself to keep reading this!! I'm adding it to my favorites, if I haven't already!


Author's Response: Hahaha, Georgia, I love your reviews. :)

Ugh, no stop! You're too kind! I just really love writing in this smoky style, so I get really carried away with trying to describe things as I see them in my head. I haven't even been to a real casino, but I just love my headcanon version of the Shooting Star so much...

Yes, mysterious past! No fictional character is complete without one, right? (Just kidding, lol.) You will just have to see what occurred to make my OC so repulsed by James. I'm so glad that she seems pretty well-developed. I wanted to get her character established before the main action of the story started, and this encounter really helped do that. Ah, but has James changed, or hasn't he? Remember that my OC is a first-person narrator, and you usually can't trust those completely. :D

Hahaha, you are so nice, seriously. I love your "reviewing as you go" technique. Take some deep breaths, it'll be alright! :)

Characterization is something that I have trouble getting exactly right, so when it finally clicked for this chapter, I got way too excited. I had to figure out how to show the full range of James's character in this little chapter, but the main things that I wanted to show were his sense of entitlement and pride. Like, hello, first world problems! He's such a spoiled little rich kid, and I'm glad that you saw all of that in his character.

Ugh. Stop. You're so nice. Thank you.

Smoky smoky smoke! I love to write in this style because it's so different from my actual personality. I definitely picture the Shooting Star as a smoky place, so yes, you are making sense!

Thank you thank you thank you! Words are muh faveee, so I try to use clever ones whenever I can.

Awww, thanks so much!


 Report Review

Review #24, by Gaby The Boss and the Business Proposition

16th October 2014:
Hi, i just wanted to say that i really like this story. I like the suspicious history you've created between Anne and James. i think it will be interesting when he finds out what he did to her, i hope there's plenty of tears.
yes i think Freddy is creepy but i think everyone secretly thinks that. i would like a bit more of a back story between how they ended up with there deal.
But overall i like the concept. :)

 Report Review

Review #25, by potterfan310 The Boss and the Business Proposition

16th October 2014:

At last we have the famous Freddy appear, yay :D

I keep thinking of him a fox, sly and quick witted. But I honestly love the way you've characterised him as a business man/actor and that he does shady deals on the side too. He is definitely unlike the Freddy's I've normal seen/read about but I love it because it's so unique!

Love that she's so calm when he mentions James and the bet. Since James and Fred are normally best buddies, it's weird and nice to see him going against James, especially in airing all his dirty laundry. I can't believe it! I never saw that coming! :O But at least hopefully, Annie can get a better carer out of it, without having Freddy as a boss.

Freddy a Slytherin :O I should have guess in a way what with his conniving but still it's refreshing to see rather than him being in Gryffindor.

Ooo I'm excited to see whether Annie will try to get James to be almost as good as her so that he can win the bet perhaps. Can't wait for the next one!

Sophie x

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>