Reading Reviews for Playing for Keeps
  
53 Reviews Found

Review #1, by BookDinosaur On Vertic's Alley

11th November 2014:
I realised that I hadn't reviewed this yet. :O BLASPHEMY. So here I am with my ambition screaming at me to get on with NaNo, don't listen to it. I'm doing perfectly fine.

Oh, Annie. Honestly I find that the way you write her is just so amazing - she has to keep in his good books, but she doesn't like him, and there's bad past between them that only she remembers, and she's understandably bitter about James and then there's the whole pool thing - it's a super complicated situation for anyone to be and you write all her feelings and her emotions - so perfectly. I love it, this is really amazing.

Ahhh, Vertic's Alley - is that a play on words, like how Diagon Alley is a play on word 'Diagonally' and then Vertic's Alley is a play on the word 'Vertical'? Anyway, whatever prompted you to pick that name, it fits the whole wixen world so well, it's seriously amazing. your descriptions of the teenagers and the shops - it's all so vivid, enough-but-not-too-much, your description is absolutely perfect. ♥

You know, I kept laughing at the way that she called him 'Potter' and then kept trying to fix it to 'James', ahaha. Shes clearly still pretty uncomfortable with him, and the funnier thing is that he's trying to get more comfortable with her - the contrast there, between the two of them, is pretty funny.

Yeah Annie. Do not speak of the Cannons and the Kestrals like that. Honestly, James is pretty protective of his team, isn't he? :P Raging Potter beast indeed.

Honestly, I wonder how James would react if he knew who Annie was? Would he be so respectful, would he go back to bullying her, would he try to apologise? Would he even have asked her for help? It's an interesting question, anyway.

UGH UGH UGH UGH THE END MALLORY WHAT IS THIS THE END just look at that!! It's going to work out for her but not for him - WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. So she is going to set him up? OH MY GOD Mallory I need answers wahhh *cries*

You are a fab NaNo Mum and Daughter and Sister and I can't wiat for the next chapter to come up. Update soon!

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Review #2, by LightLeviosa5443 Shooting Star, After Midnight

10th November 2014:
Hey Mallory!

Here for the BvB!! I could've sworn that I've reviewed this chapter already. I recognize it, I'm wondering if I read part of it and just never got to reviewing. Anyway! I'm here now and wow is this great!

I love the way that you open the story by describing the setting. I feel like if I close my eyes right now I can picture the entire place and really feel the mood that you're setting. Which is a wonderful wonderful feeling. The main character is really wonderful, I love the way she puts on a persona and how you can see the contrast between what she thinks and what she projects outwards. It's really fun and interesting and the perfect way to start off your story.

I'm really just so in love with the language. I can't get over how you've written it. This is great great great, Mallory!!

What I love is your description of the actual playing itself. Do you play pool? If you do, wonderful that you're putting your knowledge to use. If you don't, impressive that you've given us such a clear image and painted such a believable scene in this story. In fact, based a story around it.

The main character here really just draws you in, and I love seeing her mood grow and techniques climb as the night goes on. She's really great at what she does, and you've made it clear for the reader. I like that you've shown us her confidence.

I also love that you explain the game in little sections. I was wondering how she got all of the balls in, but when you explained that hers would just have to go in before his fell in, it made so much sense. I really like that that was in there, it just sort of ties together nicely, for me.

I am in LOVE with the line "Men had been known to cry when Fair Fortune decided to frown upon them." It's such a great line. Such a great way to lead on from the excitement of the chapter into the settling of it!

I can't wait to find out who the guy who stepped in at the end is!! This was a magnificent first chapter!! I'm totally hooked and I'll definitely have to keep reading to find out what happens later!!

Great job, girl!!

xoxo Sarah ♥

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Review #3, by patronus_charm Shooting Star, After Midnight

8th November 2014:
Hey Mallory!

Ooh ooh ooh this story is very intriguing and very cool and I may be a little bit in love with it. I love all the world building you did because I always find that when the author makes new locations and activities for wizards and witches to do it makes the story a whole lo more magical. I'm not sure why really but it just does. You also described it in a load of detail too so it wasn't confusing at all and I could really imagine it and it's just cool!

But oh my wizard god is your OC super cool. I really love super confident ones because you rarely ever come across them in FF as I guess there is the danger of them becoming a little too Mary-Sue, but it doesn't seem like it hear, and I can imagine that her confidence means that she's going to get up to some interesting escapades. I really liked how passionate she was about the game of pool because she made it seem a lot more interesting that it seems to be in real love. Plus, the way she didn't seem to even feel a bit guilty about tricky that poor man out of his money made me laugh (even though I probably shouldn't have done!) as it just showed how great your character development is as I already have such a vivid sense of her.

More on your character development though, because even that minor man was developed so well and you really do have me worrying what on earth Bonnie is going to say to him when he gets home, and it's great how you didn't even neglect tiny things such as that.

Finally, the mystery with Freddy has caught my attention. I wonder what on earth is going on there as I never imagined him to be a criminal so I wonder whether Molly Weasley knows anything about this. I have a feeling that there's some history between the two of them so I can't wait to see them together as I'm sure it's going to be interesting.

Great first chapter, Mallory! :D

-Kiana

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Review #4, by potterfan310 On Vertic's Alley

5th November 2014:
Hey, me again.

If I was Annie I wouldn't be too bothered about making James wait.

Ahh I LOVE your descriptions especially about the Alley and the new one coming off it. I think I've just been transported there :D

James really is clueless about Muggle life and things isn't he?

Soda - Would be Fizzy Pop or even just coke or lemonade

"the original Wiz Kid himself is slightly dangerous." This just made me laugh because I swear the first bit is from one of the AVPS songs and that's all I have in my head right now :)

I am so, so happy that Annie was mean to him in a way. He definitely showed a different side when she mention the Cannons incident which is interesting. It makes me wonder that apart from his mean side at Hogwarts whether he has a dark streak like Freddy too.

Somehow I think that if James knew who she really was and what happened in the past I feel like he certainly wouldn't be calling Annie 'cool'. I can't tell which James is really him, which is good because it's keeping me on my toes. It's like he has all these different sides and with every chapter a new one is coming out which is quite cool.

Yay for NaNo. Good Luck ♥

-Potterfan310
Sophie xx

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Review #5, by potterfan310 Aftermath and Arrangements

5th November 2014:
Heyy,

It's nice seeing Annie at home, I was starting to think she lived at the Casino :p I also can't wait to see more of her with Hattie, which I'm assuming will be in this chapter since Annie's home. What she remembers could easily sound like a nightmare, poor Annie. I'm definitely excited to see how she deals with the not telling Freddy/James about the other.

Freddie's letter, it might have been short but I can't help but laugh at the bit about adults getting up before eight on a weekday, it's almost as if he doesn't consider Annie an adult even though she's only a few years younger than him. Just curious, how old is she anyway?

Ahh her sister! So her sister was friends with James, oh no, that gives me an even worse feeling. I guess I was right in a way her sister isn't such a pretty person as her name suggests. Is it any wonder Annie hates her and that nickname, Portia is a pretty name but I can understand why she goes by Annie, bless her.

I feel for Annie, so, so much. Not so much with the name thing but with wondering whether she should even bother apologising to James, since was so horrible to her for no apparent reason. I love pretty much everything she said and crossed out, I've definitely felt like that before. She should have stuck with the original one :p But I'm definitely curious as to why she is continuing to meet with him when they have such a past and that if Freddy finds out she'll lose her job (or maybe worse). Maybe it's just me (and that I can relate to her with the background with James), but I secretly hope Annie is planning on some sort of revenge for him.

Yay, there is more Hattie! Ha! Her stories from St. Mungo's. I love the two of them together, hopefully there will be more of them together soon. Definitely relatable characters and they just seem to bounce off one another really well.

Off to the next one :)

-Potterfan310
Sophie x

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Review #6, by BookDinosaur Aftermath and Arrangements

25th October 2014:
AHH HI FIRST REVIEW FIRST REVIEW FIRST REVIEW I want this to be first review is that so much to ask???

Agh, you know, it's so weird to see Annie at home and not in the casino - I was getting so used to Annie as the cunning conwoman, the trickster, the seductive pool player, that seeing her at home and groggy after a long night was a really subtle reminder that she's still only human, so kudos to you for pulling that off so seamlessly!

These little details you add into the story are so amazing! Like how Freddy changes messenger birds every week, and how he signs off his letters with the XOXO - it all adds so much to the story and the character, and I absolutely love the atmosphere it brings. ♥

Ahh, so the meeting with Freddy is important enough for Freddy to want to remind Annie to come, and to wear something nice. You have me very keyed up for this meeting that's going to happen, Mallory.

Gosh and Annie really does want to meet up with James again! Honestly, I wonder what on earth she wants with him, especially as she knows Freddy will fire her. - and worse - if she gets caught with him. I wonder whether it's all part of a plan just to build his hopes up and then defeat him, or whether she actually thinks that there's a way out of this. Honestly, at the moment all I can think of is teaching James so well that he can pot all the balls in one go and not let Annie have a go, but honestly AI don't really see that happening? Ahh, I can't wait to see where this will go.

I can definitely see how writing that letter would be cathartic to Annie, with all those insults, haha! And that flashback you stuck in was wonderful as well, it really gave us a bit of background on Annie and James' nasty Hogwarts relationship, and why she was calling her sister nasty names in her head in the previous chapters. Gosh, poor poor Annie, being bullied like that at Hogwarts! And I see why she prefers Annie to Portia now, which is sad because I think Portia's a lovely name.

Honestly, I wonder whether James has changed and what'll happen to them - looking forward to seeing where you choose to take their relationship!

Ooh, and before I sign off, Hattie and Annie's friendship is brilliant! I love the way you write them, and I love the way they seem to balance each other out, and how they cover for each other - it's honestly just like something which could happen in real life.

YES FIRST REVIEW!! :D :D

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Review #7, by BookDinosaur The Boss and the Business Proposition

25th October 2014:
Hi Mallory! Slightly later than expected but I'm here now, yeah? :P

Ahh, this was such a great chapter! So many questions answered, aa appearance from the famous Freddy, a lot more light on the details of this bet. :D

Ooh, Freddy first. I am rather impressed that he can play pool, haha! I think that with this one appearance, you've done a really fab job of showing us what he's like and giving him a pretty fleshed-out character. I just want to point out that he's pretty much the complete opposite of most portrayals I've read about him; a Slytherin, on the slightly shady side of the law, at loggerheads with James, and most of the time authors are writing him as a Gryffindor, upright and honourable, and best friends with James.

I don't know whether you meant to subvert his normal portrayals or not but you've done a really good job of establishing his character in this! Maybe it's just me, but he's honestly coming off as a little crazy, what with the glowing eyes and almost-bursting-with-excitement attitude he's showing. Maybe he's just sadistic? And in answer to your questions, I do think he's a bit of a creep, and yes, it's very cool that he's an actor and a casino owner. Mad skillz, y'all. :P

Ahh, his offer is so one-sided! He's definitely not leaving any space for poor Annie to crawl out of, is he? Gah gah gah, thrice-accursed bet indeed, and poor Anne's just caught in the crossfire. Although that last sentence about eating humble pie and extending her offer of teaching definitely makes me think that Annie has a plan to get herself out of this, I'm really wondering what it is. Thank goodness you've just updated, no? :P

Ahh, sorry for the shortness and just general rubbishness of this review, I just kind of want to get to the next chapter so that I can see what Annie' up to and how she wants to get out of her nasty situation. xD You cunning author you, it's not an obvious cliffhanger at all but the way to set up that sentence at the end leaves the reader wanting more, more, MOAR.

Onto the next chapter!

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Review #8, by kenpo The Woes of Working Retail

24th October 2014:
Hello!

(I never know how to start reviews. I usually stick to "Hello!")

Alright, I love that first line. She's pretending to be sort of not-caring, but she's been keeping an eye out for him, if she's been noticing his name in the paper. I mean... I highly doubt that it would be front page news that he'd been seen there, but she knew about it.

(I'm really hungry but my noodles are too hot to eat. I think that it's really important that you know that.)

I also really like that you say that witches usually tell muggles half-truths. And how awkward that half-truth is. I mean, if she just said "I work in a shop and I'm taking night classes", the "to make myself more marketable for future employees" is sort of implied. Can you imagine if you asked someone what they do and they gave that shpeal (how is that word spelled help me)? Silly magical people.

Have you recently been job searching? I can so relate to her experiences. Walking up and down the town going into every single business, filling out loads of applications online until you find a job that makes you feel like the life is being slowly sucked out of you...

...but I don't work there anymore... back to the story!!

JASLFKJSD:Fl her boss reminds me a little of my old boss that the aforementioned horrible job.

The line about the anti-chafing balm made me laugh!!

You know, I'm gonna stop here and say that I think you're doing a fabulous job making her fit into Hufflepuff. At first when I saw that she was a 'Puff, I was a little apprehensive, but (MY NOODLES ARE COOL ENOUGH TO EAT OMNOMNOMNOM) as I'm reading it she fits in better and better, which also just shows how diverse the houses are. And how awesome Hufflepuffs are. One of things that really stands out there is how hard she tried to get a job, and the fact that she's at least hard working enough to keep a job in retail for that long. I know so many people who gets jobs in retail or service that quit after a few months.

GRRR JAMES ALSKDJFALSDFJ DFALKSJDF;LKAJSDF;LK ASDLFJASL;DKFJ A;LSKDJF A;LSDKFJA;SLDKFJ A;LSKFJASLKDJF.

(Do I have to expand or will that suffice?)

(NEVERMIND MY NOODLES ARE NOT COOL ENOUGH TO EAT. ABORT MISSION. ABORT MISSION.)

Ugh. James is the worst. I really don't like him. He's... eugh. Sometime I'd like to know, which I really wish you'd included, is how do other quidditch stars treat her when they're in the shop? You talk about the media and things, but are they as rude as James, or a little more polite? You touch on it, but I think if you added just a little more, it would give more characterisation to James, telling if his behavior is the norm or not.

Ugh and then when he recognizes her, you can tell that he's just so used to always getting his way. One thing that I'm not is believable is just how awful James is. I'm not sure if I can believe that Ginny would raise such a you-know-what. But that probably just means that he has redeemable qualities deep down. I mean, I guess Percy was a big you-know-what, but he turned around. Maybe there's still hope for James.

I like that Anne felt bad for the owl. Good for her characterisation. You mentioned in a response that you don't think that's one of your strong points, but you're defining theses characters marvelously throughout all of these chapters!

Barry's grunt also made me laugh.

My noodles are officially cool enough to eat, so I'll be ending the review here.

This was a fantastic chapter, as usual. I'm really looking forward to seeing what the Snoozing Dog is like!! Is it one of the places that Anne used to frequent? I can't wait to find out!!

See you at the next chapter,

Georgia

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Review #9, by BookDinosaur Not All Men, But Most of Them

24th October 2014:
AHH I'M SORRY MALLORY

This is so late and so overdue that I really have no excuses except...yeah, I got nothing. But I'm here now, right? Right?? Seriously though, I am so sorry for the delay in reviews.

Ugh ugh ugh, I feel so sorry for poor Annie, having to go through that all the time she's working! I mean, it's great that she loves pool and enjoys her job, but seriously, those guys are unsavoury enough to put me off pretty much anything. I guess that getting her revenge on them would be pretty sweet, though, so there is that. You show them, Annie!

Ooh, it's Freddy's time to shine! Well, a little bit. He definitely seems super sleazy, but super cunning too. Ahh, I can't wait to find out more about him because he has the potential to be such a great villain. I am interested in finding out his motives though, why he wants James down so badly.

And aww, James!! So clueless, honestly, so unsuited to the underworld where Freddy's so at home. Did he never consider that Freddy might be angry at Annie's involvement with him? Tsk tsk. And honestly, while I do like James as a character, I'm kind of torn about the way Annie's treating him - I mean, definitely good on her for sticking up to him and for herself and giving him a taste of his medicine, but on the other hand I absolutely hate it when someone's just left in the lurch in cold blood, and that's what Annie just did to James. I'm too soft on fanficiton characters. :P

Ooh, why could Freddy be planning? Definitely looking forward to seeing what he wants from Annie, and what his 'business proposition' could mean for Annie and for James.

On an unrelated topic, can I just say how much I love your chapter title? I don't know how much it has to do with the #NotAllMen and #YesAllWomen campaign, but what you say is so true, and you definitely showed that in Annie's dealings with her 'customers'.

Onto the next chapter, Mallory! ♥

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Review #10, by kenpo Mint Chocolate Chip Memories

22nd October 2014:
Hello! I'm on my phone so this will be a shorter review, but I want to attempt to get caught up!

I loved the chapter. I don't think three flashback was at all awkward, it fit well! The only thing that confused me was that I thought they were already best friends, but then you signal that moment as when they became best friends.

Yay! A name! I love the name Portia, haha.

Something I really liked was the way you sort of told time with the melting ice cream. It was a good thing throughout the chapter.

I also loved how Hattie brought a little science to Hogwarts. That kind of thinking will made her a good Healer.

Great chapter!

-Georgia

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Review #11, by Veritaserum27 A Face From the Past

19th October 2014:
Hi there!

Here for the BvB review battle from the common room! I'm so glad I caught you this time - it seemed like I was always a bit to late and someone had already reviewed and posted!

Ooo - this story is getting so good. I really, really like the main character. She is confident and seems like she's overcome a lot, including being bullied by James Potter in her Hogwarts days. I want to make a guess that she is a Ravenclaw, and that is based on both her keen intellect, ability to read people really well and her enormous vocabulary.

If the "Freddy" mentioned in chapter 1 is Fred Weasley (II), then I'm guessing that Fred and James aren't very close, either - or he might know who this mystery girl is who works for his cousin. Ooo - maybe Fred is the cousin who made the bet with James! That would make sense!

Either way, you did a fabulous job with this chapter. I want to know more about this girl - her past, her name, and what exactly James did to her so long ago. I LOVE that you didn't have her fall for James's pleas - although they seemed genuine. She did seem to notice that he might be in a real spot of trouble, but whatever his crimes of the past may be, they were too great for her to overlook. I was really expecting her to give in. That says a lot about her character. She's been used and abused by people (I'm guessing not just one - and not just James) to the point of seeing the world from a hardened viewpoint. She thinks everyone is out for themselves and no one gives something for nothing. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out!

Can't wait to read more!

♥ Beth

Author's Response: Hi Beth! I'm so glad you caught me in the BvB! :D

Thank you so so much! My MC has overcome quite a bit, but probably not as much as she makes it out to be. The issue of the first person narrator is that things tend to get way too personal... Well, you'll just have to see. :) Ahh... I can tell you that she isn't a Ravenclaw--her word choice is simply my own love of exciting vocabulary. :D But then again, who said that the other Houses couldn't be intellectual or well-read?

You. guessed it! Freddy and James are not very close at all. You are such a good guesser...

Thank you thank you thank you! You will find out her name soon, I promise! And things will (eventually) start to make sense. Yep, she is certainly not going to bend to "persuasive techniques" that James employs. He's definitely in bigger trouble than she realizes, but she kind of wants him to suffer... And yes, this is quite a dog-eat-dog situation in her viewpoint.

Thanks again for stopping by!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #12, by kenpo A Face From the Past

16th October 2014:
Hello! Here for the BvB Battle!

How how how how has it been this long since I read the first chapter? I liked it so much, why didn't I keep following it?!

Oh my gosh. Just that first paragraph is so fantastic!! I love how you list everything that this mysterious person his. It was just... ack, fantastic. Stop it. You're making the rest of us look bad.

You're giving such an impression of a long and intense past, but not actually giving anything away. It's marvelous. You're showing how the character has changed (I'm blanking. Did she have a name? I skimmed the first chapter to refresh my memory, but I don't remember and now I'm very embarrassed). You've given her development from before the story even started, and it's just so well done. You're also hinting at not much change for this man.

WHAT he doesn't remember her? What is happening I'm confused what is going on why is this so good NO TIME FOR PERIODS MUST KEEP READING

AHHH I love the game she's playing with who I'm assuming is James. She's awesome. I love her. She's awesome. MORE READING NO TIME FOR EMBELLISHMENT

aksdjflakjsd;flk this was so good. I love her. I loved this chapter. YOU WRITE SO RIDICULOUSLY WELL.
Okay.

I need to take deep breaths and try to give this review some sort of structure.

I have no criticism. Onto the praise:

Characterisation. Ooooh. OODLES. Oodles. You've made me use the word "oodles". You've given James the role of being this seducer, you've hinted at him being a bully, you've shown that he's got some insecurities, being so shocked that she "didn't know" who he was. And then he's so entitled, and unable to see why he shouldn't get his way. But he's also really proud, isn't he? He jumps to defend his team and say why her's isn't as good.

And then she's just fantastic. I can't even say anything other than that she's just... fantastic. You write her so well, and she's just infectious and I want to keep reading her.

Your writing is amazing and consistent and amazing. It's... smokey. I can see the dark room, and thick curtains and thick fabric, and just... smokiness. Does that make sense?

And your word choice. I love that you keep saying stilettos instead of "shoes". And some of your other words... sardonically, for one. I think my favorite line was about how she went from mouse to cat. That was great.

Okay. This was so fantastic. I need to remind myself to keep reading this!! I'm adding it to my favorites, if I haven't already!

-Georgia

Author's Response: Hahaha, Georgia, I love your reviews. :)

Ugh, no stop! You're too kind! I just really love writing in this smoky style, so I get really carried away with trying to describe things as I see them in my head. I haven't even been to a real casino, but I just love my headcanon version of the Shooting Star so much...

Yes, mysterious past! No fictional character is complete without one, right? (Just kidding, lol.) You will just have to see what occurred to make my OC so repulsed by James. I'm so glad that she seems pretty well-developed. I wanted to get her character established before the main action of the story started, and this encounter really helped do that. Ah, but has James changed, or hasn't he? Remember that my OC is a first-person narrator, and you usually can't trust those completely. :D

Hahaha, you are so nice, seriously. I love your "reviewing as you go" technique. Take some deep breaths, it'll be alright! :)

Characterization is something that I have trouble getting exactly right, so when it finally clicked for this chapter, I got way too excited. I had to figure out how to show the full range of James's character in this little chapter, but the main things that I wanted to show were his sense of entitlement and pride. Like, hello, first world problems! He's such a spoiled little rich kid, and I'm glad that you saw all of that in his character.

Ugh. Stop. You're so nice. Thank you.

Smoky smoky smoke! I love to write in this style because it's so different from my actual personality. I definitely picture the Shooting Star as a smoky place, so yes, you are making sense!

Thank you thank you thank you! Words are muh faveee, so I try to use clever ones whenever I can.

Awww, thanks so much!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #13, by Gaby The Boss and the Business Proposition

16th October 2014:
Hi, i just wanted to say that i really like this story. I like the suspicious history you've created between Anne and James. i think it will be interesting when he finds out what he did to her, i hope there's plenty of tears.
yes i think Freddy is creepy but i think everyone secretly thinks that. i would like a bit more of a back story between how they ended up with there deal.
But overall i like the concept. :)

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Review #14, by potterfan310 The Boss and the Business Proposition

16th October 2014:
Hi!

At last we have the famous Freddy appear, yay :D

I keep thinking of him a fox, sly and quick witted. But I honestly love the way you've characterised him as a business man/actor and that he does shady deals on the side too. He is definitely unlike the Freddy's I've normal seen/read about but I love it because it's so unique!

Love that she's so calm when he mentions James and the bet. Since James and Fred are normally best buddies, it's weird and nice to see him going against James, especially in airing all his dirty laundry. I can't believe it! I never saw that coming! :O But at least hopefully, Annie can get a better carer out of it, without having Freddy as a boss.

Freddy a Slytherin :O I should have guess in a way what with his conniving but still it's refreshing to see rather than him being in Gryffindor.

Ooo I'm excited to see whether Annie will try to get James to be almost as good as her so that he can win the bet perhaps. Can't wait for the next one!

-Potterfan310
Sophie x

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Review #15, by Rumpelstiltskin A Face From the Past

14th October 2014:
Hey there!

James Potter -- described as the epitome of a character that I'd love to hate :D. I absolutely love how the narration plays into the MC's opinion of him, possibly skewing his characterization slightly. That's one of my favorite aspects of the "unreliable narrator" (like this, when the narration is driven by how a certain character views the world around them), and you're using it spectacularly. Also, there are some fantastic descriptions in this.

There's a HUGE presence of tension when the two begin to converse, which is absolutely fantastic. Their personalities are just so strong that their (mostly) mild conversation feels like the beginning of a war. I also like the hints about the MC having fallen for (or at least become vulnerable to) James' charms in the past.

I'm beginning to love your MCs vindictive sass, as well. I mean, she's just so amazingly ruthless and brass, trapping James in corners with her carefully-worded questions, and denying him anything and everything that she could -- including teaching him how to play pool. She's fantastic.

Ouch. What's James going to do now? :D I have a feeling that he'll figure out SOMETHING that he could possibly give her. Maybe. Actually, I have no idea.

Anyway, this was a fantastic chapter, and a great fic so far to boot!

Thanks for the swap!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for the swap! :D

James Potter is definitely a love-to-hate sort of character. He's quite a jerk in this chapter, very arrogant and rather entitled. I'm glad that you caught the whole "never-trust-a-first-person-narrator" thing. My OC sees him through a very skewed viewpoint, and that will be revealed gradually as the story progresses. :D Thank you! I love descriptive language, but I always feel like I don't use enough of it. I'm glad you liked my descriptions!

So. Much. TENSION! And it definitely doesn't end there. Their personalities clash and collide and clash some more. War is a good way to describe it! But for now, battle is only on the horizon. :) Ah yes, their mysterious past! The MC is definitely not enamoured with James, but she did have a very bad experience with him when she was younger. More will be revealed in later chapters. :D

Oooh, I'm so happy that you love her sass! She's like my channel for sassiness--I can't say these things to people in real life, so I let her say them and my life is better for it. :D She has to be ruthless-it's in her job description, and she has a special hatred for James. Thank you!

Ahhh... You shall see very soon!

Thanks again for such a stellar review!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #16, by killjoy The Boss and the Business Proposition

14th October 2014:
I semi like Fred here. The reason why is that I can't stand egotistical I'm so handsome the world should bow down to me because I'm rich and famous type people that James Potter is like. The fact he wants to make James eat a bit of humble pie makes me like him a tad.

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Review #17, by PedanticIsMyMiddleName The Boss and the Business Proposition

14th October 2014:
I saw your status update on the forums this morning, so decided to come and have a look at your story... I've just read all nine chapters, and am really enjoying it. I really like Anne, and think that it is awesome that she's a pool play - that is definitely Muggle Magic. I like James in that you've created a completely unlikable character yet also made me pity him. I love your evil-charming-businessman Freddy - I think you've created him perfectly... I'm now very curious as to what exactly Anne has in mind that will benefit her from being on both sides of this bet. I'm also wondering how she will apologise to James. Overall, really enjoyed reading this!

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Review #18, by Gabriella Hunter Shooting Star, After Midnight

5th October 2014:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums with our swap! I am really curious about this story that you've started, it's really unique. I have never seen a story that featured a Wizard casino, that alone is original enough to warrant an entire story. I'm really interested in this world that you've created and you wrote it all so smoothly that it felt real. Everything felt intricate and realistic and while I am a fan of gambling, I would have a blast being here for the first few minutes! Unless of course I decide to play pool!

I think that you have your OC set up in a really neat way. There's something sly and sweet about her at first but then she's very cunning and flirtatious in the next paragraph. What a way to play the game! I'm glad that you wrote this in a way for women to understand that this world was more male oriented than anything. I, of course felt that she had every right to take their money because they were chauvinist pigs. Hahhaha. I did kind of feel sorry for that one bloke though but then again, he kept on playing because he thought she was weak. Welp, he learned his lesson! Hahaha.

And oh, we've got a bit of a cliffhanger in this ending! I'm really curious to find out what happens next. Also, I find it completely believable that Fred is the owner of this place, it's a joke store of sorts but just not the kind his father owns. Heheheheh.

Great writing, thanks for the read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi Gabbie! Thanks so much for the swap!

I've never seen a Wizarding casino in fanfic before either, which is why this was so fun (and challenging!) to write. I haven't ever been to a real casino, so I had to imagine that a Wizarding casino would incorporate magic into the normal Muggle attractions. And while it may not be the case in real life, pool is featured heavily in this. I'm so glad that you thought it felt realistic! And I'm sure that my OC would love to play you at pool, hahaha. :)

Thank you so much! She's quite sly and cunning and flirtatious, but she knows exactly what to say and what persona to employ when swindling a drunk man out of his money. :) Throughout my story, there are a lot of "man's world" elements--most of the characters are males, and they have a way of trying to take advantage of the females. But the females, like my OC, are not having any of that nonsense, thank you very much! After all of their chauvinism and ridiculousness, they sort of deserve to be taken down a peg or two. (Don't worry--I don't think that ALL guys are like this, but these characters are caricatures of stereotypes, in a way. It's overblown and ridiculous on purpose.) :D

Cliffhangers are fun! And yep, Freddy is definitely a casino-owner-businessman type. It's a more sinister joke shop than is Wheezes, but yes, it's along those lines. :)

Thanks again!

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #19, by potterfan310 Not All Men, But Most of Them

4th October 2014:
Hi!

Ahh and so we have Freddy! I love the whole bit about him and of course George and their pranks. I just hope Annie wasn't one of those who got hit by the pranks. He definitely seems and interesting one and so far I love your characterisation of him ♥

HA! Annie is just fabulous in every way! She is such a great OC and I honestly can't wait for more of her story :D The way she handles everyone at her job and still manages to take their money is brilliant. She's definitely a girl who knows what she wants.

James! ♥ He's not the brightest is he, bless him. Not to mention he's turned to stalking Annie in a way.

James and Freddy! My curiosity grows especially about their relationship and their bet.

I sooo agree with Annie, about the writing the rant in your head but never saying it. Good on her! This is another reason why I love her.

Oooh but they do know each other! James is honestly an idiot, if not slightly cute. I still can't believe he can't remember their Hogwarts years or who Annie really is. And I can't wait to find it all out. So many questions, not enough chapters :p

Squee, I'm so excited for Freddy's proposition and the next chapter :D

-Potterfan310

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Review #20, by BookDinosaur Learning From the Best

25th September 2014:
WHEE HI MALLORY!!

I only just noticed that this had been updated! No wifi does not tickle a pickle. Even I do not understand that joke.

Ahh, how are you so smooth with your flashbacks?! You mentiond tat this was a little flashback-heavy, and you're right, but I've read stories where the flashbacks just interrupt the flow of the story so much but you insert them so perfectly that the whole thing flows as such a lovely piece and yeah how do you do it?? I'm terrified of inserting a flashback into my writing! I love how you managed it, anyway.

Also, this has nothing to do with the story but the ads that line my page are now offering to manufacture pool tables for me, ahah. "Discount pool tables," "Custom pool tables," and "Pool table manufacturers," oh dear. :P

Ugh, the family dynamic between Anne and her dad was so sweet! "Thrush," is a lovely nickname, and the way they interacted showed how well they knew each other and how strong their relationship was. If Portia's on such bad terms with her family now, something must have happened to her dad, because he seemed to be the one holding her in the family and gah no Mallory please prove me wrong. :(

It's sad, but Anne's relationship with her mother seemed realistic as well, the way they just got on each other's nerves and how her mother just wanted her to be a witch and how that in itself made Anne not want to have any magic and yeah it was a sad relationship but a realistic one. I know parents like that myself, and it's always sad - even if the child does what they want - how they have such a strained relationship. D:

It seems so fitting that Anne would show her magic at the pool table! I'm glad it happened that way, it seems so natural.

Your word choice and the way you tell this story was lovely as always, and I can't wait to read more of it! Update soon, Mallory!

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Review #21, by Pixileanin Shooting Star, After Midnight

23rd September 2014:
First off, I don't know why it took me so long to find this story, but I'm here now, and it's favorited so I don't lose track of it.

Secondly, POOL!!

I have never ever read a pool-playing witch before, and being a long-standing fan of the game (even though I have very little affinity towards it – it's a game I love to lose) this first chapter really sucked me in. I loved how you wrapped your character up in all the nuances of the scene and introduced her through her actions. Just fabulous setting and descriptions to lure me in and make me want to stay… except for all the smoke that gets into your clothes and hair, and then makes everything else smell like smoke… yeah, I don't like that bit.

I can tell that this girl loves what she does, even the con part of her job. And yikes! Working for Freddie doesn't seem wise, but really, if she's making good money doing something she loves, who am I to judge? I just hope she's not doing it because Freddie has something hanging over her head. Because that would be bad.

Boy, that man surely did a complete turnaround after she was done with him. I'd say poor guy, but then, it's her job to get the money back, isn't it? Part of what I admire about the style of this piece is that you make your MC so normal, with the itchy sequins and just wanting to get to bed. She has fun at her job, but there's a love of comfort and simple mundane things coming from her too. It makes her genuinely likable and approachable too.

And all the pool action too! But wait! Who is this mysterious person who's been watching in the shadows?? Who could take away her confidence so swiftly like that??

And finally, POOL!

Great first chapter! And congrats on releasing your JulNaNo baby!

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for your review! I totally wasn't expecting it, and it still makes me smile to read all of your lovely compliments. :D

YES, POOL! I love pool, even though I'm kind of terrible at it. When I got the idea to write about a pool-playing which, I was SUPER excited. I'm so glad that my idea sucked you in, just like it sucked me in when I started planning the story. :)

I really wanted my character to be mysterious and intriguing--it's just boring if you know everything about her right away, of course! So I sort of gave the casino a smoky, Gatsby-esque feel. Smoke is pretty disgusting in reality, I agree! But in stories, it's fun to write about and makes for pretty good imagery too. :D

Yep, my character really loves what she does. She doesn't necessarily like her "customers" (also known as "victims," hahaha), but she gets back at them by beating them soundly at pool. And Freddy is a pretty interesting boss, as you'll find out.

Just because a character dresses and acts a certain way doesn't mean that she/he is truly that way, yes! My character is dressed to the nines in this scene, but it's all a facade. She doesn't want to be stuck like that forever while the whiny drunk guy fights a losing battle against her. And I'd like to think that the guy is also putting on a persona--he acts all big and bad and "come hither, ladies," but he's got a wife who's the real boss. :)

So much mystery! I hope you find time to read on and learn more. :)

Thank you so much! I am still super excited about publishing this, even though I started publishing back in August. :D

~UnluckyStar57


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Review #22, by potterfan310 Learning From the Best

20th September 2014:
Hi again!!
600th review is all for you, Anne and James :D

Oh my god, they own Corgi's, for whatever reason I love it! Her just sounds all around awesome as dads go. I'd certainly say she has a better relationship with him that her mother and probably her sister too.

I'm not entirely sure about the rest of the UK, but with me I can't think of one house I know that has a basement. I think some places in London like the big three story Georgian houses might have one and other places in London but apart from that I don't think its a very common thing. But I could be wrong so otherwise ignore me.

Aww bless, that's not the best nickname in the world, especially compared to her sister's. One thing in the flashback at the start you said she was nine, but at the end it said seven? Unless I've just misread it. Her relationship with his dad is Brilliant, I love that he let her watch him play and eventually taught her. I feel like it was their little secret from her mother and sister. ♥

I can totally agree with Anne about rather learning from experience or doing things than books, it's so much better! "though I was only doing elementary work" - Elementary school is called Primary school in the UK, at least that's what I'm assuming when she's on about her homework. The fact she first showed magic when she was with her dad is really adorable, especially as they're so close. I think it just adds to their bond/relationship which I love. The whole scene is just perfect with her dad when she does do her magic, especially after saying she doesn't want to and then she does.

Ooh we have her sister's name; Beatrice, I kind of feel like it's too pretty a name for maybe a not so nice person even though we haven't technically met her in person yet.

I'm a sucka for background stories of OC's as it allows the reader to get to know them better and whilst James is missed (Slightly) in this chapter, I'm so glad that more of her background has come out. Especially how she got into pool with dad.

Aww thank you! You deserve it, this is such a fabulous story and SO original which is why I love it so much. ♥

-Potterfan310
Soph ♥

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Review #23, by potterfan310 A Drink With the Devil

9th September 2014:
I'm back, haha :p

Bless James, I get the feeling he isn't going to get the hang of pool at all. Unless it's all just a rouse to spend time with Anne, however right now I doubt that but who knows maybe he'll do something like that in the future.

Boy oh boy, James is full of questions isn't he?

I knew it, lol. Her dad is the one whose a muggle! Yes James is a mummy's boy just like I hoped.

I feel for Anne, I do. Having to sit there with James, knowing everything that has happened in their past and having to try and push past it is it any one she's both skeptical that he wants to know her and sarcastic.

James' secret is definitely adding to my curiosity, especially since he admitted he's in gambling trouble and he could go to Azkaban for whatever it is. How is it that he doesn't recognises her?! I love the whole mystery and suspense but it's killing me :p

For having never been in a pub, you've wrote it well! Love that Manny slides the drinks down the bar :D

I honestly can't wait to see how James and Anne's relationship play out. Especially if the truth about what James did to her comes out, or if he remembers. It's going to be very interesting!

Looking forward to the next one.

-Potterfan310

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Review #24, by BookDinosaur A Drink With the Devil

8th September 2014:
AH HAI MALLORY! And wah, thank you for dedicating this chapter to me! Even though at the time I was shamefully behind reviewing this lovely story. ;) BUT HEY THIS TIME I GOT FIRST REVIEW!! :D

Ahh, James did change his mind about pool! I'm kind of glad, I want them to get along because I ship them already. >:D The way he tried to get to know her after their lesson was so nice, although I haven't forgiven him for torturing poor Annie so much while they were still at Hogwarts. I definitely do understand what you were complaining about in the NaNo cabin though, when you said James was being unnecessarily sweet and turning his personality around, haha!

Aw yay, I'm so glad that her dad was nice to her and that an parent in her life was nice to her because her mum and her sister sound as though they were pretty nasty to poor Annie. It's funny that the guys in the village wouldn't play unless he shot left-handed, I'm surprised nobody in The Snoozing Dog thought to tell that to Annie!

Ooh, and James gets into deeper trouble! Of course it's Freddy making the bet with James, I wonder whether that will cause Annie any trouble later in her work life? :/ I hope Freddy doesn't find out that she's the one tutoring James.

AlthoughAzkaban?? That's harsh, what on earth could James have done to land himself in that kind of trouble? Gosh Mallory, stop with the suspense already! *unhappy* You're too good at this.

One thing I noticed: when Annie said pool is fifty percent skill, thirty percent math, twenty-five percent concentration, and five percent luck,” I don't know whether she meant it or not, but that adds up to 110%. ;) Just thought I'd point it out, although if it was intentional and I missed a joke then feel free to ignore this. :P

Gah, James doesn't have a very good memory, does he? I mean, he knew her and they were in the same year, he should remember Annie. Now I'm all angry at him again, humph. But then gah, he was so cute and awkward at the end of the chapter...I don't know what to make of him, I honestly don't.

Anyway, I loved this chapter, and after catching up on all the ones I missed, I finally get to say update soon! :D

ps. YES FIRST!! :P

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Review #25, by BookDinosaur Ready, Aim, Miss...

8th September 2014:
Hey again! (I ran out of witty greetings, so...a hey is the best you'll get out of me. :P)

Hahaha, Annie can be so cunning! Her lie to Mr Goldblum was very well thought-out and the whole thing about eye contact is so true (I use the technique on teachers to convince them I'm listening...), but at the same time you did bring out the Hufflepuff part in her when she tipped the cabbie because she could sympathise with him and yeah it was just a lovely way to show that not all Puffs are the stereotypical nice people. I also love how you make Hattie a Puff as well, and use her to showcase even more Hufflepuff qualities and yeah you've just done such a great job with their characters!

Ahh, James was so cute with his fear of Muggle transport! And the way he was so determined to learn pool but he didn't think it was a sport and kept insulting it - dearest James, that's only going to make your teacher angry at you. It's like authors insulting validators in their stories: you don't do it, because it's just plain rude.

Aww, Manny seems like such a nice guy! I'm glad that somebody in pool is nice to her rather than just thinking that because she's a girl she can't play pool or something like that. Hannah Longbottom seems lovely as well, it's nice to know that even if her mother's nasty, Annie does have some positive adult figures in her life. :)

Bahaha, while Annie was trying to teach James pool she honestly sounded like McGonagall. Potter, I doubt that you’re in a life-or-death situation. Pool is rarely that intense. I mean, she's giving off direct McGonagall vibes there. ;) What does she mean, she's not a good teacher?! She'd be a great teacher. :P

And good on Annie as well, telling James off when he started acting all spoilt and childish. Tell it to him like it is, Miss Eight! By the way, I absolutely love that nickname for her. It seemed natural enough and not completely weird, and the origin for it was perfect actually I loved it. :)

Your word choices and prose was perfect as usual, and this was such a brill chapter! One to go before I'm all caught up. :D

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