Reading Reviews for Something to Live For
  
13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Unicorn_Charm Interviewing a Foreigner

25th August 2014:
Hi there!! Here for the swap. :)

Ooh I like this! I like this a lot! I love reading stories with OC as the main character. I have to say, I really enjoy Rosalind. I was so routing for her to get that job. :) The poor thing is so broke and lonely. I can really feel her desperation. It was portrayed very well.

I'm dying to know what happened to her parents exactly. And why she is in England, raising her sister on her own.

I see that Draco, pretty much, still sounds like a brat. At least George was kind to her. :) And Tom. That was so sweet of him to not make a thing out of her not having enough money.

I really enjoyed this chapter. It was a nice introduction to your main character and her life. I definitely will be reading on to see what happens with her. :) Well done!

xoxo Meg

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you for the review :)

Yes, she's been through a lot and is trying to rebuild her life somehow. Haha Draco is a bit of a brat but George is the sweetest :) Rosalind is a bit of a strange character, I'm hoping the reader really likes her and she seems a bit relatable.

Ah thank you that is so nice of you! Especially since your story is one of my favorites :) Feel free to read on, and now I'm off to read yours :)

-Melissa


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Review #2, by StarlightAsteria 26 Years Earlier: No More Being the Hero

24th August 2014:
Hi!

Reviews always cheer me up so I thought I'd give you another shiny review!

I thought this flashback was well handled; there are little gems of description in there - that bit with the pigs and the man's torso. VERY VIVID :)

And we're introduced to Rosalind's mother - a very interesting character. The one thing I will say is that I think that you could expand on the civil war - expand on how Esmeralda is helping those children, instead of writing it as narrative summary. You also mentioned international wizarding relations! Yay :) More on that please - for example, why would the US President offer Salvadorians asylum? And the political situation in the US - I'm dying to know more! I mean, I think you have a brilliant storyline - I want to see more of it!

Ah, that last sentence. Spot on. Perfection.

Off to review some more of your stuff now :)

Celi xx

Author's Response: Awe thank you! :)

This chapter was written rather quickly because I thought of having it be a prologue but I think it fit better here. It took me a while to get the opening scene down and wasn't sure how to conclude it which is why it sounds so jumbled haha. And I also need to a bit more research to answer the political questions--but it does tie into the story!

Thank you so much for your review! It made me really happy :) Once I'm done with some homework I'm off to return the favor :)


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Review #3, by simplelullaby Interviewing a Foreigner

12th August 2014:
Hey! It's simplelullaby from the forums here with your review. Sorry to be such a stickler for the rules :)

Okay, onto your review!

Technical:

Just a few technical things that distract a little. I'd say the best way to get those little things out of the story, get a beta! The HPFF community have some really great people. Don't worry though, because it's nothing outstanding and if I was reading it just to read it then I doubt I would've noticed anything!

Characterisation:

Your characterisation is actually quite brilliant. I'm very intrigued by Rosalind, nice to see an American integrated well (I.e, not an exchange student in Hogwarts for the sake of her being American, but someone who's got a reason for moving so far) into the HP world. I LOVE that she's Salvadorian, and obviously proud of it because she points it out to Draco even though you describe her as a quiet character. I'm guessing she only did that because she's so annoyed that nobody really knows about El Salvador and she wants them to? Little parts, like her not having enough money, struggling to pay rent and wishing for a better flat (little Britpick, she wouldn't be living in an "apartment complex," she'd be living in a "block of flats"). I'd like to see a little more physical description, not a lot maybe just a few lines mentioning her staring at the bags under her eyes in the mirror behind the bar, comparing her interview clothes to the outfits of the other witches and wizards at the Ministry. Little parts like that would add more description to her without it seeming unnatural. Also, be careful to not make Rosalind too "Mary Sue." Every girl needs a flaw or two!

You did well introducing the other characters (do I smell a love triangle?) naturally. Draco, I'm guessing, works in the Ministry, and if she's going to pop into Weasley's Wizard Wheezes then she's obviously going to bump into George (nice earless description by the way!). I love how you managed to introduce the two without it seeming like you were just trying to introduce them for the sake of it, if that makes any sense? I'd say to improve this just a little, take your description of Draco out (and the short moment where the POV changes to him). It comes off a little like a block description, when you could add some of that in now and save a little for later when Rosalind is more focused on him and not in their first meeting.

But yes, overall your characterisation was your strongest point, not your weakest!

Plot:

Great introductory chapter. You started very strong, in the middle of a job interview. I could feel Rosalind's nerves along with her, you did well to describe that so well! I feel like I know Rosalind JUST ENOUGH, with enough intrigue surrounding her that I'm just curious enough. You did that throughout the chapter, and if an introduction isn't meant to get a reader hooked then what's it really good for?

I'd say that the flow did suffer a bit because Rosalind did flit about to a lot of different places throughout the chapter. I think the way to fix that would be to add more description, use a moment between one place and the other to have her reminisce over the day, worry about money, family etc. So we've got a little break between places so it feels like we're travelling with her instead of watching her teleport from one place to the other.

But yes, you've got a good grounding, managed to introduce your character and integrate her well into the established world without it seeming artificial, and provided some good writing along with it! Side note: at one point you say that Rosalind has to save up to send her sister to Hogwarts? In the established canon, Hogwarts is free (apart from supplies), so maybe to clear this up add that Rosalind could afford enough to buy her sisters books, robes etc.

Setting:

Your setting description is very sparse, but when you do describe somewhere you do it very well. I said above that I loved your description of the Ministry, I could literally see myself there beside Rosalind, looking around the Ministry in wonder, noticing the café, the poster of Shacklebolt etc. It was very well done. I only wish for a little more in other places. To add a little more setting description without making your story seem too heavy, add little mundane things in. Cobblestones, the weather, a couple arguing on the street, the noise of the bar. This can add to your setting and make Rosalind's world feel more real, but it can also add to Rosalind's character as well. What she sees, the reader sees.

Overall:

It's a really great start to your story. I enjoyed reading it, though at parts it did seem like you were just trying to introduce everything at once so that you could get past it all and onto the meatier parts, which is something I have to watch out for when I'm writing myself! I'd say to improve it linger more on descriptions, because the ones you do include are brilliant. The description of the Ministry was brilliant, and Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

Your AoC: Your first chapter isn't dry or boring at all! Your introducing us to your fic! Take all the time in the world to establish your world, your characters, your readers will wait for the meaty bits! The pace did seem a little quick and jumpy, but that's not something that can't be fixed with a little description here and there. The only thing wrong with your descriptions is that you tend to deliver everything in one go, try interspersing dialogue with description, adding little things here and there, and that'll be fixed. You really do NOT need to worry about characterisation, it's the introduction and you've done your job of introducing your character well.

So there it is, hope you liked it!

Keep Writing

~Aimee~

Author's Response: Hi there! It's okay it was my fault for not reading the rules correctly :)

Thank you! I really want her to be likable yet realistic--she's very proud of being Salvadorian because most people don't know where it is, but she has history there too. And I think I didn't describe her that much because I wanted the reader to be in her shoes, but I do understand if they don't have much of a physical description at all it's hard to personalize with the character.

Darn I knew that was wrong! I didn't know who to ask and ended up putting apartments by accident ha. But thanks for pointing that out!

Yes I have a hard time with transitions and descriptions, mostly because I think I use too many adjectives and come off repetitive and don't use enough metaphors. I have been working on it though and taking more time to be in the reader's shoes instead of mine. Oh I hope she doesn't come off too much like a Mary Sue! She does have many flaws but they aren't pointed out until later on when she feels more comfortable talking about them.

Yes there will be a love triangle :) Draco and George are some of my favorite characters and I think contrast each other pretty well. I completely know what you're saying, and that's exactly what I was going for. I didn't want her first meeting with either of them to be too awkward, and I was hoping that readers would catch the earless description :) I'll make sure to fix up that section about Draco as well, I didn't realize how choppy it sounded.

Yes that was I was going for! I want the reader to feel intrigued, and wonder why she's so broke and all alone. Oh and I meant that she doesn't have enough money for her sister's school supplies, I'll make sure to clear that up as well. Yeah, I felt like I was trying to add too much all together as well and it came off too choppy, and that's one of my biggest weaknesses. I think that's what affects my flow the most, that I get too sparse with descriptions as well.

It's so hard keeping the pace smooth and steady when I want to get to the best parts of the story already! You are absolutely right haha. I'll definitely work on those mundane descriptions to get a better flow and hopefully I can get it down soon. Thank you so much for your detailed review! It helped tremendously and as soon as the queue is opened I'll edit everything :)

-Melissa


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Review #4, by Gabriella Hunter Full Moon Rising

12th August 2014:
Hello!

Its Gabbie from the forums dumping this review on you and everything! Sorry that I'm a bit late.

Anyway, Rosalind! I'm glad to see that she's getting a bit of luck thrown her way. I was really curious on what her first day on the job would be like and I think you handled that very well, some writers tend to skimp over the details but you gave me a good sense of how her job would be and supporting characters that might play a role later on.

It was good seeing Hermione and Harry as well, I was able to get a nice sense of their personalities too. I really enjoyed how warm and friendly they were, its nice not seeing a stressed out Harry or an uptight Hermione for once and while I would have liked a brief cameo from Ron, you did a great job introducing these two. I hope we see him again soon. :3

I also liked the bit of details that you used to describe Harry's office, very nice touch with the pictures.

Now, Rosalind doesn't seem like she's going to have the easiest time with all of her co-workers and I think you set that up nicely. It felt a little too much like a high school setting on some parts but I like all the contrasting attitudes and Rosalind is very strong willed and confident, though she doesn't go out of her way to prove it. I would like to know a bit more about Draco though, I wonder why no one will really get to know him? I think you could add in a sentence or two about that but I could tell that his attitude might have something to do with it. Hahahah.

Now, I really liked the ending too. I wasn't expecting a werewolf attack at all and I think you showed just how strong and capable Rosalind is in the face of uncertainty. Draco was a little too easily pushed back, I think but he made up for it later on. He doesn't seem like an easy person to work with either so I'm curious to see how that develops.

My only CC isn't really a CC, I guess but some of your characters speak really formally. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it would flow a lot easier and be a bit more realistic to throw in a bit of slang here and there or a contraction. Otherwise, I think your flow was all right, just a tad choppy towards the middle but it cleared up towards the end. :)

Thanks for the read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi there! and it's fine don't worry about it :)

Thank you! I was hoping to make it a bit realistic, and even though she's not going into exactly the career field she wants she has to start somewhere. I really wanted to add Ron into that scene, but felt that having all three of them meeting a new employee wouldn't fit, but he does appear in chapters later on :) I could never really see as Harry and Hermione being super uptight and stressed out either, unless something extreme happened.

Yeah I had a bit of trouble trying to get those scenes down and still aren't too happy about them. I wanted to show that her and Draco are sort of like outcasts, Draco because no one thinks he should be there (being a former Death Eater and all) and Rosalind because she's from another country and probably doesn't know enough to grasp how their system works. Haha yes but he is moody! He's trying to be more accepting of people but doesn't want to be too assertive about it either.

Haha I was worried I made Draco look too much like a pansy because he wasn't in control of the situation like he would've liked, but eventually he tries to show that he is the boss in their group. He has issues admitting his feelings and whatnot.

Yess I know I need to work on that! I'm just not too familiar with Brit slang so I don't want to use it in the wrong context, but I think it'd be too OOC if it was American slang. Maybe I'll have Rosalind speak more like she's a Westener haha.

I know I hate how choppy my transitions are :( I have a hard time describing what I see in my head that it comes off as half-assed because I'm not sure how to put the words in together. I am working on it though!

Thank you so much for your review :)

-Melissa


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Review #5, by maryhead Dinner with the Order

11th August 2014:
Just... HOW MUCH I LOVE GEORGE?! He is so sweet. And funny. A nice contrast with dark and mysterious Draco, I sense there will be some romantic tension in the next chapters... Yay!

I loved this chapter, as I loved the previous ones. I am growing more and more fond of Rosalind, her being all shy and awkward at dinner, her being fought between being polite and trying to eat as much as she can... She is so real! I have to say I also identify in her a bit... You substantially describe the way I behave whenever a new acquaintance invites me to dinner ! :D

You mix the mystery and the romance/fluff in quite an ingenious way. In this first chapters I got the exiting feeling something really dark is around the corner, but I still can't catch what. Of course there is the werewolf element... By the way, are werewolves going to be as bad as Greyback or are there going to be some Remus-like individuals? In these last updates I noticed you talked about lycanthropy in a negative way, but you also say Rosalind is against discrimination between magical species. I wonder if she will find the good in some werewolves, or if she will simply fight them together with the other Order members.

Oooh, another question, still werewolf-related... Did Rosalind simply heal the wound of the child or did she heal lycanthropy altogether? Did they found a cure in the three years following the war?

I'm SO intrigued, I have to read more!!

Great work again!
Maryhead!

Author's Response: Yess that's exactly what I was going for! I'm glad someone caught the contrast :) I looovvee George, he is so adorable and fun to write. Haha yes the Malfoys and Weasleys already don't like each other so there will definitely be some tension :)

Hmm I can't answer that right away, because you are on to something and I don't want to spoil it :) There is danger coming their way though. Rosalind is against discrimination between magical species but she is also against a certain group that will be revealed later on.

Rosalind was able to keep the girl from transforming that night but not cure it. There is no cure exactly, she mentions it briefly in chapter five that the Healers are giving her potions to calm her down and keep her from transforming, but if she can't control her emotions she'll turn into a wolf. But since they've kept a low profile for a long time, they don't want her near anyone.

Haha thank you! I hope your opinion on her doesn't change eventually, because a lot of the story focuses on her flashbacks.

Read away! I'm a bit iffy about the next chapter because it's so short and the one after I think Draco might be a little OOC, but feel free to point out anything you like :) Thank you so much for your reviews! I am almost done with your story--I have about two chapters left :)

-Melissa


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Review #6, by maryhead Full Moon Rising

10th August 2014:
So, I really wanted to read what happened next, and I saw you had FAR TOO FEW reviews in my opinion, so here I am with another comment!

Aand again, this was a really good chapter! You really kept up with the great deal of balance between description, dialogue and POV's thoughts.

I kinda love your Draco! He's really serious and mysterious in this chapter, quite a cryptic personality. He really stands out for the depth with which you are depicting him!

I liked also the description of Harry's office, the fact that it looks "rather modest", and the presence of those pictures on the desk... As a lover of the Marauders and Hogwarst Eras, I have to say it moved me more than a bit!

Rosalind is a great OC. I already said that in the last review, but I do like her not being the classic strong woman or perfectly perfect girl everybody would like to be but nobody actually can. A nice change, I have to say, today I almost read only about those kind of characters!

The plot is incredibly catching too. It feels like watching episodes of CSI or Criminal Minds. Moreover, I LOVE werewolves, so yeah... This chapter was perfect for me! Only a tiny little question: why did the girl's father say that the werewolves were extinct? How could that be possible? I'm so curious to find out what happens next!

To the next review
Maryhead!

Author's Response: Hi again! :)

Haha thank you! I'm so glad someone is enjoying the story so far, it really means a lot to me. I have a lot written and just need to do some editing here and there for excessive violence.

There is a chapter later on that focuses on Draco quite a bit, and how he's struggling with his name being tainted because he really wants to leave that behind. I think he has a lot of potential to be a good person, but he hasn't convinced himself that yet.

Haha I've always thought of Harry as the ultimate noble person, who no matter how many accomplishments he's had he'll still be very humble about it. At the same time he's sentimental though, and I wanted to show him as realistically as I could in a few sentences. I love the Marauders Era as well! But I feel like it's such a hard time to dabble with so I haven't attempted anything yet.

Thank you! :) She's actually a very dark and troubled character, there will be a lot more insight in her POV soon. She has gone through a lot and isn't able to escape certain parts of her past.

Ooh well I meant that part to be a reference to the last wizarding war after the Battle of Hogwarts; Fenfir Greyback is presumed dead since there were no traces of him or werewolves afterwards. They've kept quiet for a number of years that's why the girl's father was in denial that she was attacked by one. I'll make sure to clean that up :)

I'm so very flattered that you like it! This seriously made my day, thank you so much for your wonderful review :) Everything will start tying in together eventually, and as of now I'm heading in an interesting direction with this so stay tuned!

-Melissa


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Review #7, by maryhead Interviewing a Foreigner

10th August 2014:
I seriously need to read fanfictions on this website more often. Really.

This first chapter is amazing! I could see any single scene, your description are so very detailed and well-balanced I just... Impressive work. The style is fluent, the chapter is easy to read and incredibly interesting.

The OC is well depicted. You didn't gave out too much, and that's marvellous, because certainly many of the questions will find an answer in the next updates and that veil of mystery is really entertaining. What impressed me the most was the ability with which you managed to insert Rosalind in the world we all love: it was so... Natural!

Draco and George... Aaaw. Well, maybe I shouldn't "aaaw" with Draco, because you depicted him as a quite sexy guy ;) , but Georgd is surely and Aaaaw character. When you mentioned the missing ear... Perfect, I tell you!

Loved this chapter, my friend! Can't wait to read the other chapters!

Maryhead

Author's Response: Oh thank you so much! I struggle with descriptions and detail, so it makes me really happy to hear that someone liked it :)

I tried to make Rosalind as likable and normal as possible without making her stand out too much. She's a bit of a weird balance between shy and outspoken, because she's quiet but doesn't like to be walked all over. And yes there will be a lot of answers later on :)

Haha yes I quite like writing Draco and George! My Draco is a bit of a brooder but is trying to come out of his shell as well, because he isn't well liked in the Ministry, being a former Death Eater and all. George has always been really adorable to me, he shows up more in chapter three :) He's my favorite twin and he's involved with Rosalind a lot more pretty soon.

Thank you so much for your kind review! I will definitely return the favor and read your story as well :) Read as much as you want, I have about 14 chapters written so far haha and a lot of questions will be answered.

-Melissa


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Review #8, by True Author Interviewing a Foreigner

10th August 2014:
Hi there! Here for our review swap!

Wow, this does sound like an interesting story. It was a great introductory chapter, so I'm looking forward to read more. You have a great potential with this. :)

So... Is this country a real place? I've never heard about Salvadoria before. Maybe I'm really dumb about Geography, but if you made that up, it's great!!

Rosalind is a nice protagonist. She's an interesting character. I liked that you've provided just the right information about her- not too much to spoil the story but not scanty.

I'd just advise you to watch out for descriptions. When you go from one scene to another, it's a little bit jumpy. If you could fill that up, it would help you improve the plot. :)

Great job! Had fun swapping with you!

Ashwini

Author's Response: Hello there! Thank you for stopping by :)

Haha yes, El Salvador is a real place but it's a veeerry small country (about the size of Massachusetts) so most people don't know where it is. Future chapters deal with Rosalind in that area, so I felt like I needed to reference it early.

Thank you! I wanted to portray an out of place character that is struggling to fit in a world she feels she doesn't belong in. They'll be a lot more about her past later on, most likely in her point of view.

Ahh yes D: I know my descriptions are wonky and I hate it! I think transitions are the most difficult for me and they come out choppy, but I am working on that. Thank you so much for your review! I had fun swapping with you as well :)

-Melissa


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Review #9, by Gabriella Hunter Interviewing a Foreigner

9th August 2014:
HELLO!

Hey, there! Its Gabriella Hunter from the forums with your review and I'm sorry that its taken so long for me to get back at you. I would have gotten to this yesterday but I was sick and didn't have the time.

On to this! So I didn't think that this moved slowly at all, I think your pace was pretty good for most of this chapter. I think that probably adding a bit more detail about Rosalind here and there would give it more depth but otherwise it was good! I like that we got a bit on her backstory and I loved how you opened this chapter, there's nothing more nerve wracking than a job interview! D':

I also like all the familiar characters that you threw in too and the description of the Ministry of Magic was very nice. I think that it was a bit too jumpy at parts but I was able to follow along pretty well and I think I can't wait to see Draco again--I smell love interest? I wonder why he was so stressed out though...Hahah.

Also, the country that you made up sounds interesting, I hope you put more details in there at some point. Salvadorian? I've never heard of it before but if its a real place you'll have to clear that up for me! Hahaha.

Ah, I also like that you've given this a sort of dark cloud as well. What happened to Rosalind's parents? I'm really curious about that and I can't wait to meet her sister as well and find out how Hogwarts has changed from her POV if you were going to do that.

Also, George! I LOVE George so I was really happy to see him in this story. I would have liked a bit more on him but I think that you're going to do that much later, I hope we see him again! :3

So, all in all I think this was pretty good! I think that if you cleared up a few things and took care of a few spelling issues, you wouldn't have a problem at all!

Make sure to come back!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi there! It's fine I understand how life can be :)

Yes, I feel like my transitions are a bit wonky, and they end up being a little stiff. I guess I haven't described much about what Rosalind looks like because I'd like the reader to want to be in her shoes, but I'll make sure to add to that :)

Ooh well Draco isn't well liked because he was a former Death Eater and he's difficult to work with, there's a little on that in the next chapter but I don't think my edits have been validated yet. His father is also in Azkaban and that's part of the next chapters as well. And yes! But it might take a while haha since they work in the same department.

Haha El Salvador is a teeny tiny country in Central America, about the size of Massachusetts. Both sides of my family are from there and I actually got the idea for the story because my mom was telling me about how during the civil war a lot of kids were kidnapped from their homes and forced to fight. There is a flashback to that time in chapter four :) It's really short though, I'm thinking of adding more to it.

Yes very big dark cloud! And it gets progressively worse the more you find out about Rosalind. You'll see in later chapters what happened to them and why she decided to leave the States. I'm really excited to get that part put together :) I am planning on including her sister, but I'm still trying to find the right timing for that.

I love George as well! He has always been my favorite twin. He's also a potential love interest that is seen more in chapter three and the one in the queue. I think he makes a good contrast against Draco, who is his opposite. They bump heads a few times :)

Thank you so much for your review! It helped a lot and I'll make sure to go back and rewrite certain areas. I'll definitely be back to request for more :)

-Melissa





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Review #10, by Frannie Full Moon Rising

8th August 2014:
How did a Death Eater get a job in the Ministry? Draco wouldn't be allowed anywhere near the place.

Author's Response: He was tried before the Wizengamot and cleared of all charges because he was a minor. Rosalind asks him about that in chapter five when they're in St. Mungo's.

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Review #11, by hangingwallflower Interviewing a Foreigner

7th August 2014:
Hi there! Here for our review swap!

First of all, I really don't think you need to be worrying too much about description - I thought you had just the right amount, especially regarding the setting of the Ministry, and I think you did a great job of introducing Rosalind's character. It was interesting to see how she interacted with canon characters and was a great way to show more of her personality.

I also think your pacing was just fine, it moved along steadily and while there were a couple parts of this chapter that were slightly slow (for instance, while she's talking with Tom) I think it was perfectly fine overall.

Interesting story you have here - it's a bit hard to see where it might be going from the first chapter, but I think you have some potential with this.

Thanks for the read and the review swap!

- Jackie

Author's Response: Hi there!

That's a relief, I was a bit worried that it felt jumbled. I know it's hard to see where the story is going from the first chapter, that's why I feel like it's not engaging enough. It does pick up quite a bit though :)

Thank you so much for your review! Keep an eye out for mine as well :)


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Review #12, by MadiMalfoy Interviewing a Foreigner

31st July 2014:
Well hello there! Welcome to HPFF! :)

Contrary to your opinion, this is actually quite intriguing right off the bat! You've introduced your OC to both Draco and George already and made her unforgettable to them both. She's quite the character, I do admit! An American, in England, in the early 2000s? *Astonishing!* :P I think the fact you made her American gives you great opportunities to use language barriers as fun situations (i.e. "biscuits" meaning two different things) for Rosalind and Draco/George.

With your descriptions, here's my biggest tip: if it's not working, then just scrap it and start over. Also, try to describe something without actually using that word in it. For example: "Brisk autumn air tangled in her hair, the cobblestones uneven beneath her feet; meandering down the alley, a bright violet building piqued her interest." I hope that helps! My final tip is to use more contractions; it makes things more casual and relaxed-sounding.

As a whole, though, this was a great opening chapter! I can't wait to see how you develop it further! Please come back anytime you'd like. :)
~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response: Hi there! :)

That's a relief, I felt like my pace was a little too fast haha. I decided to add a prologue that's still waiting to be validated and I tried to add a lot more description. I really like your tip and think that will help me a lot, I tend to use too many adjectives and come off as repetitive. So I will definitely keep that in mind :) I also plan on using small language barriers and there's a lot of action coming soon! Thank you so much for your kind review I'll make sure to come back again :)


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Review #13, by StarlightAsteria Interviewing a Foreigner

29th July 2014:
Hey!

Thought I'd check your story out :) It's an interesting premise, choosing to do a Post-Hogwarts story from an American character's point of view: I'd say make the most of it. Rosalind's first time at the Ministry, you have an opportunity to make that really engaging. When I'm having trouble with writing that sort of situation, I mess around with POV, switching from 1st to 3rd etc, until I find something which enables maximum impact on the reader.

I also found your chapter pace really quite fast - it's a good plot, and I think your Draco, George and Tom cameos were really good: your best characterisation is through dialogue - the way you used it made them really vivid, Draco especially. Having said that, I do think you could slow it down, for example taking the time to explore how nervous, out of place Rosalind feels, how much she wants/needs the Ministry job.

Anyhoo, that was just my opinion, feel free to disagree with me completely :). Dialogue seems to be one of your strengths, so maybe try and balance it more with the expository paragraphs, so that it isn't such a jump between the two.

Sorry, I do tend to ramble a lot, and I hope that this review made sense :) Keep going, this looks really promising :)

Author's Response: Hi there! I was actually reading your story when I saw this so I'll finish it up once I'm done responding and drop a review :)

I actually added a prologue because I feel like the first chapter is very weak but still necessary, yet at the same time I don't want to bore the reader with too much imagery (which I know is definitely my weakest point). It's very short and focuses on Rosalind's mother but it preludes to why Rosalind acts the way she does since I plan on including some flashbacks in her point of view. Also my fourth chapter is very long, about 4,000 words so I'm thinking of cutting it in half.

I've always enjoyed writing dialogue because I feel like it is a good chance to show characterization but I've always struggled with longer descriptive paragraphs because I feel like I sound repetitive. George and Draco are my favorites to write :) I have a lot written so far that's why I'm so impatient haha. But was it too soon to introduce everyone?

Thank you so much for your kind review! It is helping me immensely :) I'll start editing once more and keep an eye out for my review!


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