Reading Reviews for Risking It All
  
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by The_Crookshanks_Saga Reality

12th August 2014:
Well well well. No, it's not overused, James from Match (by mental).

I'm sorry. Fanfiction's gone to m'head.

Anyways. Interesting. I've always liked these kind of fics because they, just like your chapter's name, are realistic. In real life, the guy you like is probably taken-- and, to make it interesting, by your perfect older sister.

I just realized that this is the second Dom story I'm reviewing today. Huh. OK OK, I'll digress.

This chapter, though it had action, was a gigantic filler-- of course, there's a reason it's the first chapter. But from what I can tell, this is more of a style than first-chapter, though I might be wrong-- yeah, I probably am. But still, just evaluate your writing style and see if there's a bit too much exposition and not enough internal monologue (this is, after all, a first-person fic).

Sorry if this didn't make any sense, blame it on the two cups of coffee I had before writing this. Until next time!

-Meena

Author's Response: Hi Meena, thanks for the review and the swap! I do appreciate your feedback, I've never actually written a first person fic before (just look at my other stories, haha) so it's really helpful to receive some constructive criticism. I'll definitely go back and see if I can fix it up a bit :)

Thank you very much for the review and the swap, I appreciate it!

Jackie


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Review #2, by AdinaPuff Clash

11th August 2014:
Hi, hi!

Yay, chapter three! Congrats for the Featured Story! Lots of people love your story, it seems. And aww thanks for the lovely shoutout there. You're very welcome :)

Wow. Dom's excuse was pretty good, but I still couldn't believe that Flitwick left her off without punishment. At least a detention! But I suppose that's Flitwick. I feel like McGonagall would've given her three detentions. She got lucky there haha

Victoire reacted just as anyone would, I feel. Dom sabataged them, it seemed to Vic, even if it was for reasons that Victoire didn't know. She was still livid at her, and exploding on her like that was definitely good. Poor Dom though. I feel like she gets screeched at a lot, what with her saying that what Victoire said was all the usual.

While Teddy was a bit more aware of Dom's true motive, he still wasn't spot on. But hey! He got the jealousy part down. Proves he knows her better than Victoire. But he wasn't spot on like Dom was scared about. Which is good. I mean if he figured it out at this point, no way he would leave Victoire.

All in good time, though..

I ship Dom/Teddy though :D TEAM DOM ALL THE WAY!

Update soon! :)

-Leigh

Author's Response: Hi, Leigh! Of course, I really appreciate you reading/reviewing, it's very encouraging to me to keep writing!

Yeah, she did get very lucky there. A testament to James teaching her how to lie ;) I'm glad you found Victoire's reaction reasonable - right now, I guess she might be coming across as snobby and conceited, so I'm hoping to show in future chapters that she's really not a bad person at all.

Thanks so much for the review, once again, it's very appreciated! Hopefully I'll finish the next chapter soon :)

Jackie


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Review #3, by Irishseeker Clash

11th August 2014:
Hey! Thanks for updating! This chapter was really good and I really liked how we got to see Teddy/Dom interact without Victoire. Also seeing Victoire's personality was quite amusing as well!
Poor Dom. You feel really bad for her and especially when Teddy thinks she's jealous for all the wrong reasons. Great writing and can't wait for the next update!
x

Author's Response: Hi there, thanks for reading and reviewing! It's very appreciated and makes me encouraged to write more, so I really do appreciate it. Glad you enjoyed this one! :)

Jackie


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Review #4, by jessicalorewrites Impulse

10th August 2014:
Hi! Here with your requested review from my thread. I must start with apologising for it being so terribly late, though I don't really have a good excuse. I just kept forgetting :p anyway, onto the review...

I'm really liking your Dominique in this chapter. It's good that you write her in a certain why and let the readers know the way she usually behaves before putting her into a completely ooc situation (i.e. the food fight). Bearing in mind that I understood it, that was great! I would love to see more from the other, background characters so I do hope that is coming soon!! Juliette in particular really sparked something in me. I would kill to see more about her family and how they treat her etc.

The descriptions are good too. They accurately show good depth for the readers but are also worded in such a way that they add to Dom's depth rather than take away from her narrative voice.

Overall I think this is shaping up to be something great :D I really can't wait for the plot to thicken more and for the action to begin!!

Thanks so much for requesting a review again. Ilysm

Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks so much for your review! No worries on it being late, I really just appreciate you taking the time to stop by.

Thanks so much for all of your comments! I'm glad you like Juliette and Dom, they're definitely fun to write. There is more coming from the background characters, they all have their own stories as well :) Once again, thanks for the read/review!

Jackie


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Review #5, by Lauren Impulse

7th August 2014:
Loved reading your story! Especially Dom! Please update soon :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the read/review! I'm glad you're enjoying it :)

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Review #6, by simplelullaby Impulse

30th July 2014:
Hey, it's simplelullaby from the review forums! I was excited to get your review request, glad you liked my last one enough to come back!

Okay, onto your review.

Technical: Nothing outstanding, no glaring mistakes or omissions. Brilliant!

Characterisation: This was another great chapter for Dominique's characterisation. It was nice to see her outside of her usual environs (I liked that bit about Hogwarts are her home, very Harry of her), but again I find myself craving a little more description. Allow yourself to linger on description, find little details to make your characters seem more tangible.

Juliette got a nice wee introduction here. I liked that we see the flipside of magical snobbery towards muggle borns, in that her parents hate magic, nice wee backstory. And the pink hair! My goodness, nice wee point there (good that you carried it on from the last chapter too, veeery nice). I would have liked a little more description of Leah, Collin, Lorcan and Lysander, both physical and their insidy parts. I know how hard it is to introduce so many newbies when they come in quick succession, but maybe include a part where Dominique allows herself to let them talk amongst her as she observes little parts about each of them, maybe little memories like in your last chapter with Teddy. That would help I think.

I do love your dialogue though, it does help to characterise your newbies somewhat. I especially loved the line "Why hello my beautiful ladies!" Already love Collin.

Plot:

This did seem like a little bit of a filler chapter, but like I said in another review just today sometimes fillers are necessary. Embrace it, allow yourself to saunter through it instead of powering through the thing trying to get the action. The longer you wait, the more your readers are going to be left wanting more. I myself was excited to see your Dom interact with everyone else instead of moping around after Teddy, and you certainly delivered! Dominique really comes out of her shell in this chapter, doesn't she?

Now let's talk about Teddy. Little poo, coming in there and acting like he didn't shun her the moment he started going out with Victoire. Personally, I think he should've gotten the mashed potato in the face. You dealt well with this chapter, only including Teddy a little and not allowing Dominique to mope about him. That was great!

Three guesses what my favourite part was? FOD FIIIGHHHT! Nice little addition there, especially with Dominique just throwing it without a second thought. Why were the Head Boy and Girl only speaking to the Gryffindor table though? They're Heads of the whole school now?

Setting:

Setting is probably your weakest part. A little description here and there wouldn't go amiss, like with the characters just add little details and avoid the block introduction. Have Dominique remember the familiar smell of Hogwarts, the lingering smell of damp on the stones, the candles hanging from the ceiling, and the iconic ceiling in the great hall itself. Though saying that, your chapter is fine as it is, setting is my big thing (sorry!).

Overall:

A really good, necessary chapter which expanded Dom's world to include more than Teddy. She's shaping up to be a great MC, I can't wait to read more. Feel free, as always, to rerequest when your next chapter's up. I really like this story!

Keep Writing,

~Aimee~

Author's Response: Hi again, Aimee! Thank you so much for the fast response and excellent review!

Once again, this was very helpful. I was pretty nervous about introducing a ton of new characters at once, so I'm definitely going to make sure they each get individual attention in future chapters. Glad you liked Collin, he'll definitely have more focus on him in the future :)

Ah, good point about Teddy and Victoire giving their speech to only the Gryffindors - I'll definitely have to go back and edit that. And thank you for the comments on setting, it's really nice to know what I can improve on the most.

Once again, thanks so much for your constructive feedback and I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!

Jackie


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Review #7, by Irishseeker Impulse

28th July 2014:
Hey! I came across your story and I am already in love with it. I'm a big fan of Ted/Dom and also Tedtoire, so I can't wait to see more Ted/Dom. I love how you portray Dom,keep writing and can't wait to see more! x

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm so glad you enjoyed it :)

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Review #8, by ginnypotter242 Reality

27th July 2014:
Hello! I'm here for your requested review!

Right, this is off to a good start. I enjoyed seeing from Dom's point of view, and get that little glimpse into her mind. I liked how you wrote her. Teddy is usually Vic's best friend (and a year or two older than her, but you did explain why you did that, so it works). Making him Dom's best friend is definitely unique!

Victoire's characterization is good too- even tough we don't see much of it from this chapter. What we do see is the snobby side that a little sister sees (and as a little sister myself, I can attest this! Very true). Good job writing Fleur's accent too- I know it's difficult to write, but you did a good balance of the diluted French accent.

Flow: Your flow seems pretty good so far. Your dialogue reads easily and seems pretty natural-I can imagine these conversations happening. Dominique's thoughts were pretty good as well. They seemed normal for a love-struck teenager!

Your are definitely off to a good start here. You have some unique parts in here- Teddy and Victoire being the same age, Dom being Teddy's best friend. Try to keep up with those plots- Victoire/Teddy/Dominique love triangles are ratehr common, so having unique parts will always help! You seem to be doing a pretty good job of it so far. I feel like this will definitely keep a reader's interest, and Dominique's thoughts are very interesting to read. It's written well, and clear of any grammar or spelling mistakes that I noticed. Your summary is very enticing, and you didn't disappoint with this chapter! Personally, reading a chapter with good spelling and grammar makes in a lot better for me, so good job with that.

I'd love to see more of the backstory with Dominique and Teddy. Her little flashbacks in this chapter were good, and I hope there's more interaction later on, of them in the present. But I'd like to see their friendship more fleshed out as well.

I don't really have much critique on this! I'd like to see some of the relationship's more fleshed out- particularly Dom/Teddy and Dom/Victoire.

All in all, great job with this chapter. Love triangles always tend to pique a reader's interest, and this is a popular one as well. You're off too a great start :)

~Sara

Author's Response: Ahh thank you for this fantastic review!

Thank you so much for addressing everything so thoroughly :) I'm pleased you like Victoire's characterization so far - she's definitely not one-dimensional, so I'm glad it was understandable that this was from Dom's point of view, and she's not completely evil. I'm also not entirely used to writing first person, so it's good to know Dom's thoughts were interesting to read.

Also, it's really comforting to hear the summary is enticing - I absolutely hate writing summaries, so I'm glad it worked out well. There definitely are more Dom and Teddy moments in upcoming chapters!

Again, thank you for taking the time to write this review. :) It means a lot!

Jackie


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Review #9, by AdinaPuff Impulse

27th July 2014:
Jackieee!

Please, please, please update soon! I'm dying to know what happens now--I bet Victoire is furious, Teddy confused, and I'm sure Flitwick will punish Dom severely for what she did. This is really short, sorry, but update soon! Please!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Ahh I'm so glad you liked it, Leigh! No worries about short reviews, I'm just happy you're enjoying it! I have a couple of one-shots to submit for challenges, but after those are validated I'll have Chapter 3 up :) Thanks for reading/reviewing!

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Review #10, by Chazzie Impulse

27th July 2014:
I love this so far! It's got the potential for a brilliant plot line, and it all in all really good. Your characterisation is brilliant, and your characters extremely life-like. Dom is perhaps being slightly childish, but I can certainly understand her frustration at Teddy, for deserting her, and at her sister, for stealing her crush and best friend. Juliet is a sweetheart, truly. Slightly reckless, but I would expect nothing less from a Gryffindor. Leah seems a bit - how to put it - self-centred? But she's also the sort of person who will be there for her friends when they need her, and whom they shall in turn forgive. This just makes the characters more human, and I like that. I'm interested to see where you take this!
Lottie

Author's Response: Hi there, thank you for reading and being the first review on this chapter! This was so exciting to wake up to :)

Dom definitely is quite childish, it's apart of her character. Hopefully we'll get to see her grow up and develop as this story goes on! I'm glad you were able to tell the characters of Juliette and Leah so far, I was worried I wasn't really taking enough time in this chapter to shape their characters, but they'll definitely have their own plotlines in the future.

Thanks so much for the read/review! :)

Jackie


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Review #11, by simplelullaby Reality

24th July 2014:
Hey it's simplelullaby over from the forums here with your review! Delightful start to a story, can't wait to read more!

Technical:

Technically, your writing is pretty brilliant! It's obvious you've proofread because there are no silly mistakes, you use your grammar correctly and very well. As a self-confessed grammar freak, you've actually managed to quell the beast! Maybe one little nitpick would be to make your paragraphs a little bit longer, maybe join up a few together and the like. That would make it perfect!

Characterisation:

You dive straight into your characters, it's brilliant! From the opening lines we meet your Dom, and soon after become aware that she is in fact YOUR Dom. We start to get a good idea of what she's like (messy, I gathered, and mopey). You introduce the rest of Dominique's immediate family in a way that doesn't seem forced, it just seems like Dominique, naturally observing and mentioning what usually happens on September 1st. That's pretty tricky to get right, so well done! I also loved the build-up in the beginning, making it seem like there was a massive think Dom was shocked at, before you finally dropped on us that she was "packed" and "clean" and "ready." Awesome!

Dominique is shaping up to be a pretty great MC, but make sure she doesn't turn out to be too perfect. Give her a few flaws in the upcoming chapters, because many a MC have boarded the Mary Sue train there's not much room left haha. Usually with these next-gen rivalry stories, especially Rose/Vic and Dom/Vic, Vic is written too evil or tantrumy, or just as a bad person that we can't imagine Teddy being drawn to her despite her obvious beauty. Similarly Dom/Rose is written so perfect that we readers end up staring at the screen saying "is that boy blind or something?" Maybe something for the future would be to add a scene where Teddy explains (oblivious to Dom's feelings of course) the parts of Victoire he loves the most, little things she does that so endearing. Lovesick people do tend to spurt loads!

A wee side note, THANK YOU FOR MENTIONING LOUIS! So many writers just forget the poor baby. He's already shaping up to be a good character, skulking off from his family the first opportunity he gets.

And also, my favourite character so far is Fleur. I can totally see her screeching, Bill hiding and the like. Stuff like this makes your story brill!

I do like Teddy, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around why he would just dump Dom if they'd been friends all that time. Grr, bad Teddy.

Plot:

As an introduction it's pretty good. You introduce our main players with ease (Dominique/Vic/Teddy?) I liked the little trip down memory lane, which helps to justify the earlier points you made about her spending almost her entire summer doing just this. It felt like she couldn't help but to remember Teddy before Victoire.

It does seem like you're sacrificing a little description and the like while rushing through your introduction so you can get to the meatier part of your story. For me, when reading a fic, I place a lot of weight in the intro, so I would maybe go back and add a little more.

It flows well, the pacing is good, there isn't one part where I feel like "oh get on with it already!" If anything you could do with adding more!

Setting:

I feel like this was the weakest part of your chapter. There was one brilliant description of her bedroom as she leaves, which adds more to Dom's character in so few lines than any other part of the chapter. Many writers miss out describing the world around their characters in favour of just describing the characters, adding more dialogue. A good description of her room, maybe mentioning a mark on the wall from when she drew on it as a child and her parents left it there out of nostalgia, or the familiar smell of the smoke from the Hogwarts express, can only help to establish Dom's character more. We're hearing, seeing, smelling, touching and hearing everything through Dom because it's first person, so don't be scared to let her languish in the familiar facade of her home, the smell of her mother's perfume, stuff like that. Just something to keep in mind :)

Overall: It's pretty brilliant, shaping up to be a great next-gen fic! Just make sure to stay away from the cliches, or embrace them to the point where people think YOU were the first to think of that idea. I already love Dom, and can't wait to read more! Feel free to re-request when your next chapter's up!

In answer to your question, this story has bags and bags of potential!

Keep Writing,

~simplelullaby~

(7/10)

Author's Response: WOW. This was an amazing review, thank you so much for answering each section with such detail - I so appreciate you taking the time to write this out, and it's incredibly helpful!

I'll definitely go back and edit this chapter, and probably fix up some of the setting description and paragraph lengths. And don't worry, Dom definitely reveals several flaws in future chapters, and Victoire is not all evil :) I guess it's just more challenging to express that in a first chapter, but maybe I'll go back and incorporate it into this intro later on.

Thank you so much for everything!


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Review #12, by AdinaPuff Reality

20th July 2014:
Hi there!

Wow, what an amazing start to a surely amazing story. I have to admit I've never been a HUGE Vic/Ted fan, but I lurve Ted/Dom. Absolutely adore it.. It's a wonder I haven't written one myself...

Anyway! I'm already in love with Dom. You personified her excellently so far, and I love it! She seems like a head case. I cannot wait to see her flip out on someone! She also seems to overthink teddy a lot. That's definitely gonna come back to bite her.

I am dying to see her and Teddy interact one on one, to get a feel of their relationship. You hinted into it, but left the perfect amount of gap to give it suspense. You know? I loved that!

This is going on my favourites! I'll be back for chapter 2!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this lovely review! I'm so happy you enjoyed it! I'll definitely be back soon with a Chapter 2, and thank you so much for adding it to your favorites!

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Review #13, by crestwood Reality

17th July 2014:
Hey, crestwood from the forums here with your requested review!

You've found an interesting way to start this off. The connection between packing and her hiding out in her room, away from Teddy and Victoire is much more interesting than just saying "she stayed in her room because she likes Teddy." Good job illustrating that a bit more. Your description of Teddy was amazing and we've really gotten to know both him and Dominique during this chapter. We didn't see as much of Victoire, but I assume that will come in later chapters. This is a good start that sets up all of the major characters and the main conflict, I can't wait to see where you decide to take this. Thank you for your request and feel free to re-request when you've uploaded another chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, it put a smile on my face! :) I'll definitely be back to re-request soon

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Review #14, by jessicalorewrites Reality

16th July 2014:
Hey! I'm here with your requested review from my thread :) sorry it's kinda late

I gotta say, this piece of writing is sooo good! Your writing is captivating and turns even the most mundane tasks like packing into something I'm interested in reading.

Now, I've read my fair share of Victoire/Teddy/Dominique because I think it plays off an interesting dynamic but I've never actually read one from them being in school! I think this is mostly because in canon, Teddy is 2 years older than Victoire (Teddy being born April 98, Victoire in May 2000). Not to worry though, if you want to play around with the agings that's entirely your prerogative and, in this case, I think it works quite well. Especially since if you wanted them all in school but canon ages Dominique would be 14 and Teddy 17... a little odd.

You seem to have captured the right balance between dialogue and description here which instantly puts you off to a good start! Sometimes I read dialogue-heavy fics and others mostly description however my favourites are always ones like these; the best of both world, you might say.

I definitely think you should go ahead with your plans to write a novella. I'm very interested in seeing where this chapter takes the characters. Eager to read more! You should PM me or something when the next chapter is up to be sure I don't miss it, or re-request a review if you like.

Great start!

xo

Author's Response: No worries at all! Thank you so much for the wonderful review!

The age thing was something I struggled with, because I don't like to veer too much from canon, but for some reason I've always visualized Bill and Fleur having a child very shortly after the war, even though it's not true :P

But anyway, I really appreciated this, thank you so much! I'll definitely let you know when I get the next chapter posted!


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Review #15, by lindslo2012 Reality

13th July 2014:
Hi there!
Here for your requested review! I really loved this first chapter ALOT! It was so sweet, the way you described Teddy. And you did it so well that I barely even could realize that it was a story and I wasn't watching the scenes play right in front of me! I think that this story is going to be extremely good.
When I read the part about the night with all the family and her sister in the green sweater, I wanted to reach into the story and hug her! That sucks that she had to witness the guy she loves reach out to her sister... :( I can't even imagine how devestated she felt.. I am really excited to read the rest of your story. So please come back and re-request!
Until next time,
-Lindsey

Author's Response: Yay! This made me so happy. Thank you so much, I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter!

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Review #16, by TidalDragon Reality

13th July 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by to fill your request!

In the big picture I think this is an interesting beginning. I have seen various takes on Teddy/Victoire and Teddy/Dominique before, only one of which involved the two sisters actually having feelings for Teddy simultaneously, so I think you have something unique there. I also think the chapter had solid flow from scene to scene and moved at an appropriate pace. Crucially, you also avoided some of the biggest pitfalls I see about characterization on the archives - giving us a massive rundown of everything about a particular character or overwhelming us with so much dialogue that there's little space for us to get inside the character's head (especially deadly in first-person pieces).

In terms of things to work on, I would take a look at some of the internal thought and description and try to eliminate redundancy and excess explanation. For example, in this chapter you set up that it was out of the ordinary for Dominique to already be packed nicely, while leaving the reason mysterious. Then you filled in that reason by having her reminisce on her friendship with Teddy and working through her feelings for him and his relationship with Victoire. By this point, the reader should have already made the connection about why she's acting differently. You went ahead and explained it, and I just didn't think it was necessary.

In terms of the character development too, you did a lot of good things - Dominique's thoughts are distinctive and by telling us about her habits and her room you gave us more oblique insights into her. However at points you just out-and-out told us things about her rather than showing us through her actions or interactions. Be careful with the balance of that. Sometimes it's completely unavoidable, but other times sticking with your more nuanced, oblique approach can feel more natural.

Regardless, I think you're off to a solid start! I hope you've found my review helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Author's Response: Thank you so much!

This is extremely helpful to know. Redundancy was one of my worries so I'm glad you pointed out where I can improve with that, and I'll definitely go back and try not to over-explain things:)

Once again, thank you for the feedback! It's highly appreciated :)


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