4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane Discovery

10th August 2014:
Again, some of the dialogue isn't broken up into sentences, like Lily's words to Scorpius should read more like this: "This is not the end of the world. He'll understand. The sorting hat doesn't make mistakes."

You also need full stops after "Scorpius" in the first sentence and after "affectionately" in the second.

I'm now wondering where Rose has been sorted. It sounds like she's not in Gryffindor as there's no mention of her being in the common room. Unless she's just not that friendly with Albus and Lily.

The letter from Hagrid should be divided into separate sentences too.

Sprout must have been at Hogwarts more than 22 years. 19 have passed since the final battle at this point and Harry was at school nearly 7 years by that stage, so that's 26 years, even if Harry's first year was her first too.

I do like the way you let us know Ms. Foster is comparatively new too. It's a natural way for it to come up and doesn't sound at all forced. I'm interested to see what she's like now too. I always like to see new teachers, as I think I already said.

You've captured Firenze's speech patterns really well, I think.

You've written that the centaurs' last warning was to "let everybody about the second war with He Who Must Not Be Named." I'm assuming it should be to "let everybody KNOW about the last war."

It will be interesting to see where you go from here, whether people will figure out immediately that she's been murdered or if they'll assume it was an accident or something.

Author's Response: In my haste I never actually thought about Sprouts time as a Professor, I also mixed up Lily and Rose it was always meant to be Rose but I confused them. I always have trouble with my sentence structure and that is the main thing I am working on, thank you so much for your feedback it means a lot to me

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Review #2, by MargaretLane A Sorting of Sorts

10th August 2014:
Hmm, the title of this chapter already has me intrigued. "A Sorting 'of Sorts'" That kind of indicates that it's not going to be a normal sorting.

Oh, and I forgot to say in my review of the last chapter that I've a feeling Scorpius may not end up in Slytherin, since Draco is so sure he will. And it would definitely make the story interesting if he doesn't, as it would be rather interesting to see how Draco and Astoria react. So far, I get the impression they wouldn't react well.

I love sorting chapters, as they often give a hint as to what the characters are going to be like and where the author is going with the story. Plus I love the slight suspense and the possibility of surprises.

I like the way you clarify what happens to their luggage.

*laughs at his surprise that there are only about fifty people at each table* I'd imagine 200 teens could make quite a lot of noise.

I find it a little surprising the staff table is longest when there's only about 15 people sitting at that and fifty at each of the others, with about another ten to come when the first years join them. Of course, people are only sitting at one side of that, but that's still only half of what will be at either side of each of the others, give or take.

I think the British tend not to use the term "principal". I've heard a few English people say it sounds American and Hogwarts is old-fashioned, so I'd imagine it would use the traditional British terms.

I like the way McGonagall still feels that in some ways, she can't live up to Dumbledore and continues to refer to him even nearly 20 years after she's become Headmistress. It fits with the relationship which existed between the two of them.

Does Filch still have the same cat or does he call all his cats Mrs. Norris?

Shouldn't Scorpius have been sorted before Albus and Lily as "M" comes before "P" in the alphabet?

Author's Response: Once again in haste I never thought about how many actual students attend Hogwarts but in a future chapter that I had in mind would address that. Mrs Norris is still the same cat. I put Scorpius sorting last to end the chapter on a cliff hanger

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Review #3, by MargaretLane Nerves

10th August 2014:
The first paragraph or two of this could do with some editing. There are a number of formatting, spelling and grammatical errors. All small things that a recheck would easily fix. For example, you've no commas in the first sentence, and you've put a full stop at the end of the dialogue, when the sentence continues beyond that. It should be written as, "Rose, if you do not get up now, we will miss the train and you know how your mother loves punctuality," her father shouted up the stairs.

Hmm, that's interesting, that her Muggle grandparents are still living in Australia. I guess that's why they're a touchy subject; it sounds like they chose to stay there even after Hermione restored their memories. Or maybe there is family tension over the fact she did that without their consent. Really interested to know exactly what passed between them. I like the fact you've shown consequences to that actually. I've never seen it done before and it DOES make sense, as it could be a pretty controversial decision.

Also LOVE the way you show Rose worrying about living up to her mother's reputation. Hermione IS quite a lot to live up to.

I also like the way we get to see Rose's point of view and also the way you characterise her so far.

In the dialogue between Ginny and her sons, you haven't divided things up into sentences. It should be:
"'Oh, thank goodness you're awake. Here's your breakfast,' Ginny said, as she plopped a mound of food in front of her younger son.
Albus groaned and pushed the plate away.
'What's wrong? I made your favourite,' she said, a little hurt.
'Nothing, Mum. It's just I'm a little nervous.'
James tutted and rolled his eyes.
'Less of that, James. As I recall, you wouldn't leave your father's side until the train nearly left the station. It's OK to be nervous, Al. Everybody gets a bit nervous; it's normal, but once you're on the Express with Lily, you'll realise it's one big adventure and you'll have the time of your life.'"

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there.

I'm also wondering why Lily is going on the Express if this is Albus's first year. Have you changed the birth order from the books?

Aw, that's nice about her getting a clock like her parents' from her mother for her wedding anniversary. I like that detail.

Again, I really don't think Draco'd use the word "semester", especially when the Hogwarts year is divided up into the traditional three terms.

I do really like the way you've portrayed the relationship between Scorpius and his parents in just a few lines. I could almost FEEL the coldness between them. Sounds like Scorpius is far from the pampered little prince his father was.

And I also LOVE the idea of Astoria being a teacher at Hogwarts. I'm always interested to see new teachers and it's also interesting to see the careers and other details people give to various characters who are only names or who we only knew as Hogwarts students. I'm looking forward to seeing what she's like as a teacher. Considering how cold and stern she appears to be with her own son (even without meeting her, we get the impression she is in complete agreement with her husband), I'd imagine she's not going to be much fun as a teacher either.

Author's Response: Yes I mixed up Lily and Rose, and honestly I do not even know why I chose semester instead of term as I am from Ireland and we call them terms as well. I always wondered what Draco would have been like as a parent, thanks so much for your words, it means more than you know to me. I am working on my grammar and sentence structure as well

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Review #4, by MargaretLane Seer, farewell

10th August 2014:
This would probably be a hard thing to change, but the title of this story seems a little out of place, since Hogwarts has terms, not semesters, like most if not all, British schools.

*laughs at "I already knew that" as a title of a book* Sounds like something Trelawney'd have all right.

You build up suspense well. I've an eerie feeling something bad is going to happen to Trelawney, but what it is, I don't know. I'm intrigued both as to what the vision she's been having is of and who the footsteps belong to. I've a feeling the person means her no good.

Oh, you've said, "the attic classroom in which she'd inhabited." The word "in" shouldn't be in that sentence.

And one "she" has a capital "h" in it. And also, there's a capital "Y" in Sybil at one point.

And it seems so characteristic of Trelawney that even as danger approaches her, she seems half-pleased to know it proves her predictions correct. She seems, in canon, to almost enjoy the thought of disaster, so this does seem like her.

I find it interesting she's more worried about not being able to warn others than she is about what happens to her. It gives a depth to her character we don't see in canon, which makes sense as in the books, we see her from the point of view of somebody who thinks of her as a bit of a joke and is unlikely to be aware of how she really feels deep down.

I think it is completely believable that she would have been aware of this, yet apparently have done nothing to prevent it, as she seems to believe very much that predictions of disaster are impossible to change and must also know many people don't take her seriously and probably wouldn't believe her if she told them what she'd been seeing.

It's kind of sad really, that she had that warning and we know from canon that predictions AREN'T necessarily going to come true, but that nobody moved to try and prevent this. Not surprising, but sad.

Yikes, and she drinks it, even knowing what's in it, rather than calling for help.

I wonder who the assailant is and why they appear in her room. Surely it would make sense to be as far away as possible when she drinks that, both so she won't suspect it's been tampered with (as most people wouldn't drink it knowing that) and to make it less likely suspicion will fall on them. Unless of course, they wanted to be sure she drank it and were planning something else if she didn't.

Hmm, which raises the question of how they knew exactly when she'd have a sherry. Sounds like it's somebody who knows her well. Another member of staff, perhaps.

You've written, "may as well, I supposed." It should be, "I suppose."

Very dramatic first chapter. You certainly give us an exciting beginning. Really interesting to see where this is going. My first theory is that the villain thinks she might predict their future actions or that she HAS made a prediction about their plan that nobody's taken seriously, but that they are worried people might begin to believe once they begin to put it in action and people see similarities between what she predicts and what is actually going on.

Author's Response: first and foremost I would like to thank you so much for all of your reviews, I was very nervous about putting my idea out there and I am the first to admit that I am not perfect but your reviews are so helpful to me and you tell me my mistakes in such a nice manner, I am really trying to learn from this first fan fiction and all your words I will more than take on board, thanks so much and forgive my greeness.

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