Reading Reviews for Event Three: Unicorn
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Beeezie Unicorn

12th July 2014:
Wow. This was a really interesting concept for a piece. I love how you made it really clear from the start that the MC's major motivation was worry about being able to provide for his child - given what we're told in the books about what happens to you when you slay a unicorn, it had to be something pretty extreme for it to be believable.

This was absolutely believable. I could see how he felt backed into a wall, though I was also gratified to see him describe his actions as "cold-blooded murder" - there weren't any excuses, just the desperate attempt to provide for his young daughter after his wife/her mother seems to have died.

But it was clear to me that the people he was with were a lot colder and more hardened than he was, and that he was always ambivalent about what he was doing to the unicorns. That made the ending come off as more believable and genuine that it would have otherwise.

A few little nitpicky things - the formatting seems to have gotten messed up when you posted this chapter, so there's a lot of space between each paragraph. It makes it a little harder to read/follow the story when only a couple paragraphs are visible at a time, so I'd recommend going in and fixing it.

I also wasn't sure about use of the word "dejected" partway through: It may be any day now that I am dejected from my job... - dejected generally just means something along the lines of "sad." Maybe you meant rejected? Similarly, further down, you say: The others murmur their dissent. "Dissent" usually means that you disagree with something - maybe you meant assent instead?

Like I said - pretty nitpicky and minor. Otherwise, this was a really interesting entry, and I enjoyed it a lot. I thought that your characterization was strong, and that your plot was very believable. Nice job!

House Cup 2014 Review - Ravenclaw

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for stopping by!

Thanks for pointing out all these things, they're really helpful. The formatting got a bit messy because when I went to submit it wouldn't let me until I put two returns between each paragraph :(

Definitely, it is cold blooded to murder a unicorn so that was important to put in there.

Thanks for reviewing!
Lauren


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Review #2, by UnluckyStar57 Unicorn

9th July 2014:
I'm so glad he came around in the end.

Unicorns are beautiful creatures, and I don't understand why wizards would form parties to hunt them, even for profit. :/ I guess that natural resources can be exploited whether they are magical or Muggle, but I still don't like it. :(

One question: Why would he hang the horns on the wall if he was supposed to sell them on the black market?

I feel like this was a little rushed because it seems like he started out being okay with killing the unicorns, but he abruptly changed to a less ruthless attitude when he met up with the other hunters. But that's probably just because of the word limit--no big deal. :)

I think it's lovely that he healed the unicorn and let it go free. That shows that he actually isn't a bloodthirsty killer, and maybe he'll leave the group and try to find a better job. :)

Great work, especially in the time span of thirty minutes! :D

House Cup 2014 Review

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Thanks for choosing this story! I didn't think about that question, actually... whoops! Yes, I'm glad too that he healed the unicorn, I definitely couldn't have it die.

This is a very helpful review, thanks for taking the time!


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Review #3, by evil little devil Unicorn

9th July 2014:
This was very sad! I would love to know more about the character, who he is, and why he's in such desperate circumstances.
It's a very neat take on this prompt, I think, to look at poachers. I think the main character has a strong heart, and must be a very good person to be able to let the unicorn go, although I do worry about his poor daughter!
This was also a great critique of poaching. I hadn't given it much thought, but of course unicorn poaching would probably be a prominent issue - between their hairs, their horn, and their blood, they're a big target.
This was an interesting story!

- House Cup 2014 Review.

Author's Response: Aw, thankyou! I found this review very helpful! I suppose I wanted the story to be pretty vague and let the readers guess the rest. The decision was hard to make- kill the unicorn or not?

Thanks for choosing this story!

Lauren


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Review #4, by ohmymerlin Unicorn

7th July 2014:
Hello!

This was very interesting... I don't know who was speaking or what they were doing but I got the feeling like it was some sort of black market thing happening? I dunno, I found it to be a bit confusing for me not knowing who the main character was and why they had to be hunting unicorns. The poor unicorns! :'(

I liked that he just let the unicorn go without killing it. It was a good deed that he did! Although I found it a bit bad that he was so nonchalant about his kid being without food... I'm guessing Angelica is his daughter? And was Jasmine his wife? Is she dead or are they divorced? Or is Jasmine his mother?

I understand that this story had to be written in such a short space of time, and half an hour is very impressive! After half an hour for me is generally half a sentence, haha!

But I think you may just want to add some extra details, unless you purposefully wanted to make it vague. I just like knowing everything so it's probably a personal bias.

But this story was very good. I'm glad he came to his senses and didn't murder the unicorn :')

- Kayla :)

House Cup 2014 review

Author's Response: Thankyou for this helpful and detailed review!

I did want to make it pretty vague, perhaps it was too much so- but you're definitely right about the unicorn! I wouldn't want to kill it either, and I know that little Angelica will go without food. :( In saying that, if I were to write a sequel, I would definitely have things turn around for the little family.

You're right, Angelica is his daughter and Jasmine is his late wife. I do find that being a bit vague is one of my weak points, so thanks for helping with that.

Lauren


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Review #5, by maskedmuggle Unicorn

7th July 2014:
Hey!

Wow this was such a unique different story and was also extremely emotion-provoking and heartbreaking. I loved the idea of the story, of him being a unicorn slayer only because he had to and had no other choice. The plot was really interesting to read about, particularly the ending where he decides to set the unicorn free, rather than take its horn. One nitpicky thing is that I'd love to know why this time he couldn't go through with it, when it seems like he has gone through with it in the past multiple times before. Anyway, I could definitely imagine unicorn slaying being a real profession, as much as that saddens me. You wrote about the expedition really well, so that I could imagine everything that was happening.

Also, I know this was most probably unintentional, but the formatting is a bit distracting and disruptive when reading through the story, so perhaps when you get a free moment, it'd be great to fix it up! I also really liked the character here, it was also such a powerful story because of all the emotions. I could feel his desperate need to provide for his family, while also his conflicted guilt and unwillingness to go through with what he needed to do. I could also sense his appreciation of the unicorn's beauty, and all these different feelings were just conveyed really well through your lovely writing. Really enjoyed reading this!

- Charlotte/maskedmuggle
House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Thanks for choosing this story to review!

I really wanted to write something different that maybe some people had never seen before, and prompt one for the house cup really helped me with that.

Yes, the formatting is unintentional. I originally had one return between each paragraph, but when I went to submit it in red it told me I had to have two for some reason.

Once again, thanks for reviewing! This is really helpful.

Lauren.


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Review #6, by Veritaserum27 Unicorn

5th July 2014:
Hi!

Here for the BvB review battle!

I can't believe you wrote this in just half an hour! That is really impressive. The descriptions were very thorough and the story was riveting. I was really worried that the unicorn hunter was going to kill that beautiful creature, but so relieved when he didn't. Then I was so upset that his daughter would have to go hungry. It was a horrible, horrible choice to have to make. Maybe it's the hopeless romantic in me, but I hope that his luck will turn around because he did't kill the unicorn. Perhaps something good will come of it.

You did a great job with this in so few words and really took the reader for a ride!

Thanks!

Beth

Author's Response: This was such a lovely review. Thanks for taking the time to have a read!

I agree, it was a hard decision to make. Kill the unicorn and keep the daughter healthy? Or keep it alive and have the daughter starve? If this were a multi-chaptered story, then I would definitely have had things turn out for the little family.

Sometimes I feel as if my descriptions are a bit weak, so I'm glad you liked them.

Once again, thankyou very much for this amazing review. It's helped me out a lot. I'm glad to know you enjoyed it!

Lauren


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Review #7, by toomanycurls Unicorn

5th July 2014:
Hi!! I'm here for the Ravenclaw Review Thread. I really enjoy that this looks at a more humanized side of poaching. Behind every high value crime, there's a person with a very real need. I'm glad you didn't make the MC a greedy/tycoon type. Rather he's trying to provide for his family.

You did a great job conveying action and urgency into this story. I liked how the words came to life and made it seem like the story itself was flowing through a dangerous mission.

It is quite redeeming to see the unicorn healed and set free but the good deed seems to balance out with the other unicorn being killed just feet away.

Lovely descriptions throughout this. I can't believe you cranked this out in 30 minutes! Great job!

-Rose

Author's Response: Aw, thankyou for this lovely review! I'm glad you like it. I wanted the character to be someone nice and definitely not like the rest of the people in his team.

Thanks for reviewing!

Lauren


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Review #8, by HarrietHopkirk Unicorn

4th July 2014:
Hello! I'm here for the Ravenclaw review tag! And I really liked this - I'm trying (very slowly) to get through a few more Event 3 stories. This is very different - unicorns and their magic aren't really explored in the books aside from in the Philosopher's Stone, so I like this!

Just watch out re syntax: a little more varied sentence structure would make the flow of this story much better, give it a bit more rhythm. Also, you tend to make grand sweeping statements about emotions and stuff, which are very descriptive and written well, but would probably better suit a third person POV. I find actions speak louder than words in first person POV, but that's just me :)

It's pretty sad: not only that the narrator has to resort to such desperate measures, but that there are people out there, in your storyverse, that relish this kind of cruelty and don't appreciate the unicorns' magic or beauty. The contrast between the characters is really well executed.

I would also watch your formatting - for me, it can really affect the flow of a story, but obviously it's your preference. Overall, I enjoyed this :)

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! There was a problem with the formatting, HPFF for some reason told me that I had to have two returns between each paragraph.

It probably would have been better in third person, but I needed some variety in my writing.

I wanted to explore more unicorns, you're right, they aren't really that big in the HP series and I haven't read anything that has unicorns in it.

Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #9, by hedera Unicorn

1st July 2014:
Hello! Here for the review swap :)
I really liked this story! I thought that conceptually it was really, really interesting and that the whole theme of guilt was just something that you handled really well!

The plot moved really nicely, I thought that you did the timing well- it moved at a pace but not so quickly that I got confused!

The theme of the father's love together with his desire to be good was just absolutely on point, very heartbreaking.

I have to admit that I was slightly confused by the plot initially, but after a while it all settled into place! My other main qualm was your formatting, which I found quite distracting. I know that formatting on hpff can be a little difficult, but from memory there are some great blogs on the forums which might help you sort it out!

I thought your description was really excellent- vivid and in no way awkward! I think with a little polishing this story could be truly wonderful!
Keep up the good work,
Astrid
x

Author's Response: Thanks for this awesome review! I wasn't too sure about this story, it sort of just of just came to me. I'm glad you liked it! As for the formatting, that was HPFF. I only had one return between paragraphs, but as I went to submit it, it told me in red I had to have two...

But, I really did want the theme of guilt in there. It's good that's what you picked up on. Pacing is always something I have trouble with. It's always been my enemy. I'm always moving too fast or too slow so I hope that this story isn't too bad when it comes to my speed.

Well, thanks again for reviewing! Until next time., then.


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Review #10, by Red_headed_juliet Unicorn

28th June 2014:
Hm. This is a really original idea. I've never thought of wizards hunting unicorns before.

Your description is especially vivid in this, with the comparison of sparkling water to unicorn blood and the description of the little girl. I think it's probably one of my favorite things about this piece. +]

Something I noticed is you told us what people were saying to the main character instead of writing what they said. I think it might have added a little flavor and broken up the style of paragraph after paragraph if you had thrown the dialogue in.

I could really feel the inner turmoil he was going through, and I can only imagine how difficult it must've been. You really set up a somber mood that was prevalent throughout the whole thing.

Wow, thirty minutes? Nice! Thanks for the swap! Until next time!

Author's Response: Thankyou for your review! I just wasn't sure how to add the dialogue, and how it would fit in... but I do suppose it would add a little more flavour. I really wanted to underline the inner turmoil, that was one of the biggest points, so I'm glad that you picked up on that.

I just thought that wizards had to hunt unicorns, because they sell the horns and the tail hairs. Maybe it wouldn't be in such a way as I described, perhaps a little gentler, but I did set it in earlier times so it may have occured.

Thanks again for the swap!
-Lauren


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Review #11, by findingalways Unicorn

26th June 2014:
Hiya, here for the review tag!

Wow, first off let me just say how incredibly original this plot line is, I have never come across a plot even remotely similar to this one. Kudos to you on originality!

I really liked this! I was a little skeptical of it at first because I was unsure what I would be reading, and because unicorns are simply so beautiful. Despite being slightly apprehensive, j decided to give it a go and I am so happy to have done so! Not only was it original and not fully of grammatical errors, it was entertaining.

I'm fairly picky when it comes to first-person stories, but some stories are just better in first person and I believe this was one of them. I could just feel everything the narrator was feeling, it was like I was him, like I was there. You didn't spend too much time focusing on extrenous extra details, thank you. You focused on what mattered.

Your OC really pulled at my heartstrings. I could just completely feel his dilemma - does he kill the unicorn to feed his daughter? - it's one of those moral dilemmas where neither choice is going to be the necessarily right one. It's a very difficult situation. On the one hand, you have to take care of your child, and on the other hand, it's really terrible to kill for sport. So it was a lose-lose situation.

I was happy he wound up not killing it, I think I would have cried.

His thoughts of his daughter just made me want to hug and take care of both of them! He's trying so hard to be a good man and daddy!

When I was reading this, I couldn't help but think of Snape. They were both in moral dilemmas. Snape's was helping Voldemort to, in the end, protect Harry, and I thought they have something similar in that manner.

Well, you've probably long since tired of reading this long review, for which I apologize - I like to be thorough.

Great job! :)

- Hanna

Author's Response: Aw... thankyou so very much! Thanks for reviewing Unicorn, I wasn't too sure about it. In this story, I really wanted the reader to feel for little Angelica and her dad. I couldn't kill the unicorn, I would have been quite sad about it. I don't mind long reviews at all! They're brilliant, especially yours. Your reviewing means a lot to me.

Thanks, and until next time

lumos_knox


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