14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TidalDragon Yangs Audacity

29th July 2014:
Hello hello hello!

So this chapter introduced a new wrinkle. I think you did a good job in the portions where you made Annett quite observant. Description an internal thought are the stronger parts of your writing as compared to dialogue I think.

To improve the dialogue, one thing you can do is try to make sure all the characters are differentiable. While Annett is fairly easily set apart, your other characters often speak with the same tone, structure, word choice, etc. Real people don't do this. While there is plenty of uniformity, each has their quirks and with a limited universe of characters to include, you can show that.

I'd also be careful with what you've done with Annett's characterization here. You cultivated a nice image for her, which is mostly reinforced through the chapter (people being intimidated by her, even though she's just a matter-of-fact introvert from what I can tell), but when you start talking about her being a private prankster too, you get into the dangerous territory of making her seem inconsistent or at-worst a character who "does it all". Jacks of all trades are rare creatures in life. If fics, they often get a worse nickname, especially if they're the MC or the MC's love interest, so be careful.

See you for Chapter 4!

Author's Response: Ahoy!

You give amazing advice! Thank you for that! I am grateful for all your thoughtfulness.

I will work on dialogue to individualise the characters with your advice (which I cannot thank you enough for).

In the next chapter I explain why Annett is mischievous. Actually, it's in the title ;)

Regardless of what the world thinks of her, she is who she is. . . mischievous as the sorting hat mentioned and as we've been clued to in the second chapter. Yes she is an introvert, but that doesn't mean she is what other people see her to be. This story explores her hidden lifestyle in comparison to her appearance. The inconsistency of appearance and reality. It works well because she's an extreme case of an introvert.

Pranking for her is a way to apply what she has learnt. . . in a way unauthorised by educational authority and in a more creative way (because she is creative).

It's not that she pranks as much as it is that she does so in private. It's crucial for us to realise that she's living quite happily in her own little world. She has fun. . . in solitude. . . as she can because she's introvert. Introvert dynamics are a major part of this story. It will always be in the background.

If she "did it all" she would have friends, she could be near the top of her class, but she doesn't and she isn't. As harsh as it sounds, it's the time not spent in social interactions and caring too much about school that gives her time to experiment and prank. Just those two. Those are her two hobbies: science and sneaking around.

In any case, she's a Slytherin—resourceful, cunning, ambitious, and clever. To me, those are also the characteristics of a prankster.

She's also not very nice. She took advantage of people's fear of her once she's realised it and she had fun doing it, but the story can't tell you this because she wouldn't explicitly admit to not being nice in her internal monologue. As the story progresses, we'll see even more proof of this. I've added little clues everywhere.

I'll see to editing this to help make this all clearer. Any pointers? I hope it makes sense :)

Cheers.


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Review #2, by TidalDragon An Auf Wiedersehen and a Wotter Invasion

29th July 2014:
Hello again!

So the main thing that struck me about this chapter was the pace. While you started patiently enough, by the end you were flying ahead quite a bit. Years went by in the space of a sentence. While I understand you're trying to get to a certain point in the story, I'd keep in mind there are other devices for that. If moments are going to be critical, you can use flashbacks - even if an entire chapter is a flashback it can still work for you. What made it difficult to swallow the skipping ahead was primarily that after the first half of the chapter (meeting everyone) the other material didn't seem strictly necessary (or at least necessary to be done in this fashion as opposed to another). Perhaps that will prove wrong over time, but that's just where I stand now.

As far as characterizations, you laid out the surface of several, but I'll wait to comment more until we see more of them. I think that's a danger of introducing so many characters in a single chapter - you can't cover them all in a lot of depth. And the fast-paced second half of the chapter also restricted your ability to do that.

Your biggest strength and biggest weakness came together at the bitter end here though. I thought the section of Annett's inquisitiveness and how she put that into action day-to-day and summer-to-summer was a nice touch (in terms of the plot anyway) and rang true with her character too. The problem arises with canon though. She can't deliberately do magic outside of school at the age you have her. She's violating the Restriction on Underage Wizardry. She's also doing incredibly advanced magic that, regardless of her background, I question whether she'd be capable of. I'd consider following the principle of what she's doing, but maybe have her experiment with the magic itself at school (theory over summer?) and tamp it down a bit so it's no such an incredible feat.

See you next chapter!

Author's Response: We meet again. :)

I've set a line to be placed as a warning. I'm hoping this will help absorb the shock.

About that seemingly unnecessary information—the diamonds, her Animagus, her attitude towards school—it will make sense in the end. Otherwise, I've filtered out more unnecessary items that I once fancied building upon.

I apologise if my wording is slightly odd about her summers. I do try to be very strict on myself with canon-ness (including staying on a calendar, not including dead characters, and the epilogue scene). She only "figured" over the summer, but I suppose that does sound rather ambiguous. I've fixed that, too :D . This is why I love reviews. You help me edit to make more sense. Thank you!

I will try to tamp it down. Oops. Thank you for calling me out on my over-selling. :)

Until next review. . .

*waggles eyebrows


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Review #3, by TidalDragon The Peculiar Childhood: A Prologue

29th July 2014:
Howdy! First off, sorry I'm late on the review. You can PM me another story to review since I owe you for missing the deadline. Also, didn't want to come across as a gruff troll - but life has been crazy at the moment and along with the House Cup that just ended it's been madness keeping up with everything. Anyway, on to your story!

As far as the characterization goes, I think you've created the real opportunity for something distinctive here. Annett has a unique background and an equally unique upbringing. You've brought that uniqueness to life in how you wrote her in the early portion of this chapter and gave the reader something to be intrigued by and build on.

I think the flow overall is a bit mixed here. Early on it was more regimented and focused, but in the second half of the chapter, you got more casual and things seemed to jump around a bit more. You also got much more lax with your descriptions and patience in that section, rushing through explanations at points and using parentheses (which are a pet peeve of mine in fiction, because generally those things could be explained effectively without the distraction that punctuation creates.

I'll comment more on plot and other characterizations as the story progresses. See you next chapter!

Author's Response: Hullo there!

Thank you for your review! I really appreciate your comments and suggestions. It's very sweet of you to do this.

I wasn't aware of the deadline and I won't hold you to anything, House Cups are important, I under stand. :)

About the second half, it's going through validation. I've edited to explain my rushing. What I'm trying to do is build on all these things that will lead to an overwhelmed protagonist. That includes shoving a load of new characters in the second chapter.

As I drop this load on you, it's similarly dropped on Annett. As you are overwhelmed, so is she. She has no time to think of fancy descriptions because it's all happening very quickly for her, too.

Believe or not, this all has a purpose :)

As an overall picture, it would flow better and hopefully explain Annett's having no friends. She starts of her school years absolutely terrified. Because of this, she hides in her little shell like a scared turtle protecting herself from hail, if you will. At least that's how I hope to come off.

I will try to take care of the parentheses. Again, I'm trying to show readers how Annett's mind works. She's got lots in that head of hers. She thinks a lot. She spends loads of time in her thoughts. She goes on tangents. I'm working on how to show this without parentheses. :D Any suggestions?

Cheers.





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Review #4, by hangingwallflower The Peculiar Childhood: A Prologue

27th July 2014:
Overall, this was an interesting first chapter! It seems like a unique story so far. You have great details in your text and the main character sounds very complex - there's definitely a lot that you can do with her and it will be interesting to see how she'll get along at Hogwarts :) I loved the description of her background with her muggle scientist parents as well!

As far as things you can improve on - the ending of this chapter felt a bit rushed and cut short. You could definitely go back and expand on it a bit more, or have a more final conclusion/cliffhanger to it. There were also a couple of areas where there was maybe a bit too much description (for example, describing the descent of her friends). You could incorporate those details in a little later, it might just be a tad much for the introduction to this story.

Overall, however, I think this story is off to a wonderful start! It sounds very creative and unique and I enjoy your writing! Thanks for sharing this :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review, hangingwallflower. :)

And thank you for such brilliant advice! I will see about weeding out those unnecessary details.

Thank you for reading and I'm so glad you enjoyed it! :D

Cheers.


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Review #5, by AdinaPuff The Peculiar Childhood: A Prologue

24th July 2014:
Hi, Emilie! Here for your requested review!

Sorry for the slight wait--life decided to take a spin on me. However, I'm here now!

There were a few grammar errors, but very seldom, and honestly, anyone would have missed them in their own work. A period there, a quotation mark here. It happens :D

I love your character so far. She seems fascinating, really. I love the way she analyzes everything as a scientist would, because of the way her parents are. It's wonderful, really, and truly adds to her character. She seems very unique, which is always super important, and i cannot wait to read on and see how she is in Hogwarts. I would loveee to see how she is her first time, but if you skip ahead I wouldn't mind that either :D It would still be extremely enjoyable. I wonder what the plot will be... it doesn't seem to have made itself obvious yet, or at least not that I've noticed. Of course, I'm not the best at inferring as it is :D

Thanks for coming by, feel free to again! Though, when I find more time, I will definitely be coming back and reading what else you have posted thus far.

Thanks!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Hey, Leigh!

Thank you for your review and your kind words. I really appreciate it! :D

This chapter is not so much as an introduction to the plot as it is to a discrete hint at how the plot could progress. This one's more about the character, her background story, and how she reacts to people in general.

In the second chapter, we get to see her first train ride and a couple scenes that first day. More character behavioural patterns to help us understand how Annett operates. I hint at her overarching dilemma.

As a precaution to reading this, I have too much fun hinting at things, as opposed to typing them out. Some things are obvious and some aren't. It all has to do with how and when I want things to be revealed and this being the inside of Annett's brain. She's not an omniscient character, so this hinting thing is a rather big part of the story.

But this is why I encourage questions. If there is something Annett is not telling you, you can ask me about it and I'll tell you ;)

Unless it's a major spoiler. . .

Regardless, just trust that everything will be understood at some point in the story. Hopefully, it'll all come together smoothly. Hopefully. . .

Cheers.


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Review #6, by mymischiefmanaged Creative Output: Mischief

22nd July 2014:
I really like James so far in this story. It's such classic arrogance to start talking to Annett when he realises she's doing something that will benefit him, but you manage to keep him likeable. I loved Al asking him whether he knew where the library was as well. I enjoyed Fred as well. I'd love to see more of him, Rox and James as they seem to be the trio of the year above.

I'd still like to see a more in depth portrayal of Scorpius. I don't feel like I know him as a character but I get the impression he's supposed to be quite important in Annett's life. It would be good to see more of who he is by himself before you put him with Rose.

Annett's thoughts about alchemy are original and interesting. The whole muggle science/magic link you're exploring is really unique and is definitely a great foundation for the story.

I'm interested in why Annett hasn't told anyone about her pranks. I get the impression the Wotters would like her for it, but I suppose she maybe doesn't want the attention.

Really good work. Well done

Author's Response: Thank you! I appreciate all your comments and suggestions. I will bring them over to review the next chapters I have written. :D

Scorpius was once about as shy as Annett as we've seen in the train ride, but now we see him feel completely comfortable around the Wotters. This idea will be built upon in later chapters. I will try to develop his character more given his future importance.

I'm relieved you don't find integrating science into magic off at all. It was a rather big concern of mine writing the story.

Annett hasn't told anyone about her pranks because she's been completely content carrying them out on her own, but now we've got more people pitching in to her pranks for Yang, we'll see how she reacts. . . ;)

Thank you again for all your reviews! I appreciate how much thought you put in them!

:D

Cheers.


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Review #7, by mymischiefmanaged Yangs Audacity

22nd July 2014:
This is my favourite chapter so far. You've done a really good job bringing out Annett's voice, showing how observant she is rather than just having her tell us she's observant, and making it clear that her shyness doesn't mean she's not able to have fun. I'm interested to see more of how her relationship with Al and Scorpius works. Are they friends? Or do they just get along okay?

You've set up something interesting here with Al, showing that his life isn't perfect and that he has more going on than people realise. I like the idea that Annett's watching him to see how he's doing.

You do a fantastic job with Yang, managing to make him extremely dislikable before we even meet him. I like how you run through the reasons all the different Wotters don't like him to create his persona. I'm definitely looking forward to seeing how Annett gets revenge on him.

I'd be a bit wary of the long lists of names (like how you've told us all of Dean's children and Seamus's children). It's not really a big problem but I think it breaks up the narrative a bit and interrupts the really strong voice you've given Annett. It does help to show how aware she is of the people around her but I think you've already achieved this.

I love that Annett's confused by why people are scared of her. It fits in so well with the idea that she's amazing at observing other people but doesn't know how she herself fits into everything.

Really good work. I look forward to reading more. x

Author's Response: Thank you for your amazing advice! I have managed to edit this chapter accordingly and took it as an opportunity to add a little bit of information about her parents that would have otherwise been in a later chapter. :D

Scorpius does play a major role! Although that's, again, in a later chapter.

She gets along with them alright, especially with Al given that they share similar interests and classes.

Annett has not yet considered any of her classmates to be her friends. They've talked very little over these past few years. They haven't spent too much time together either, given that she's been doing her own thing: her experiments and her pranks.

I've realised the irrelevancy of long lists of names upon your insight and have dealt with it. :D Thank you.

Once again, I love your reviews! Thank you for being so helpful! :D

Cheers.


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Review #8, by mymischiefmanaged An Auf Wiedersehen and a Wotter Invasion

22nd July 2014:
I really enjoyed the main storyline here - it's really interesting to see Annett's magical discoveries while she's at school and you've set her up to be a really interesting character.

Just a couple of things to think about:
I'm pretty sure you didn't mention which house she's in when you did the sorting? Unless I somehow missed it. It would be good to know.
Also, the whole introducing everyone on the train moved very quickly. I personally would have preferred it if you dealt with less characters but developed their personalities more.

Overall it's a good chapter, there are just a few things that could be refined. Looking forward to reading on x

Author's Response: Thank you for another awesome review! I'm glad you enjoyed it :D

I understand your concerns and will go over this chapter with a finer-toothed comb.

As for her sorting: I did not explicitly say what house she's in, but I implied using her roommates. There will be a lot of implying in this story because this is Annett's mind, she isn't an omniscient character despite how observant she can be.

My intent was for readers to process it more slowly than as they would if it was explicitly said.

Something along the lines of: "Her roommates were sorted into Slytherin. . . which means she's in Slytherin. . . wait, what?"

Hopefully, inspiring more thought concerning why Annett is in Slytherin.

More implications to come. . . this is practice ;)

The point of having so many people is to deliberately overwhelm Annett. Because she's overwhelmed, she feels uncomfortable, so she crawls back into her shell of extreme shyness, preventing her from exploring the personalities of these characters first hand.

Imagine being surrounded by so many people when you have lived the great majority of your life in solitude. Imagine thinking "is this what the next seven years will be like?"

In this shell, she renders herself unable to make any friends, despite the train ride being the perfect time to do so. This justifies her not calling anyone her friend for so many years.

I hope this makes sense and I will work on trying to provide more hints. :D

Cheers.


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Review #9, by mymischiefmanaged The Peculiar Childhood: A Prologue

22nd July 2014:
Hiya, mymischiefmanaged here from the forums with your requested reviews. This was a good opening. I personally would have preferred it to move a bit more quickly. It reads a bit like a list you're determined to get out the way to give Annett's background, but it does the job. Great to see Teddy. I'm looking forward to reading more

Author's Response: Hi mymischiefmanaged,

Thank you so much for your reviews! They're all so helpful and I've been taking all your comments into account. I've changed things around a bit. :)

Cheers.


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Review #10, by Machiko Out of the Shadows and into the Limelight

21st July 2014:
Another great chapter!

How will your major edits affect the story?

Will I have to read it all over again?

How does Annett feel about Al?

Is loosing control of her facial expression and laughing her head off factor into her feelings for Al or is it a factor of her feelings for Al?

Author's Response: Dear Machiko,

Thank you! And thank you so much for your review and your questions! I hope you’ve been enjoying the reading so far.

About the major edits. They are only major to those who have not read what used to be the first five chapters. I’ve just compiled them into two chapters. There are changes, but they’re rather minor. It’s the same story, written slightly better.

About Annett’s feelings about Al, I’m so glad you caught that about her laughing!

She doesn’t dislike him. Obviously, why would she spend her time with him and his family and friends. She does spend more time with him than any other person at Hogwarts. As a side note: they share the same classes (which is possible because they’re both in Slytherin and in the same year and share similar interests).
He’s got the potential to have some really interesting, introspective, deep conversations with her because they’re both introverts (added to the fact they share similar interests, which we’ll see hints of in later chapters) and it’s what they could do.

Although to do that, she’d have to open up to him. See the problem?

One one hand, introverts can have really meaningful conversations that bring them closer together. On the other, she’s got this barrier around herself (which I believe I’ve mentioned to you before, if you are the same Machiko. If you aren’t, I’m really sorry.).

The barrier contains her emotions and her thoughts. She tries to tightly control what comes in and out. She is uncomfortable with vulnerability. We see that Al has the ability to reach into that barrier, even if just for a laugh.

In your opinion, what do you think would help their relationship progress? How much does he even know about her? Obviously more than his average classmate given that he’s not terribly frightened of her. Why hasn’t anyone, especially him, ask about how she’s come to know about such complex scientific concepts in the way she has?

In the chapter after the next, Chapter 7, they will very briefly talk about Al and Annett’s relationship and Annett will also explain more about how she deals with her emotions.

Cheers.


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Review #11, by Machiko Creative Output: Mischief

15th July 2014:
Could you clarify Annett's relationship with her classmates, in general. Are they friends or just acquaintances?

I like how you have incorporated science with magic so far.

If only your chapters were longer, so we would all have more until the next... ;)

Author's Response: Machiko,

First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to review. . . I like to hear what readers are thinking :D

Annett, as sad as it is, doesn't really consider any of her classmates her "friends." She considers them people she schools with and knows about.

This will be lengthy—I'm giving you the full story (something Annett will NOT do right now, even in her introspection). ;)

She likes control. . . sort of, for the most part. She controls her emotions, her facial expressions, her body language, and she controls how much information she gives away about herself (that being very little if at all).

She does not control what people think of her—she can't (influence, yes, but not control).

This is why people think she's a freaking stone for the most part (apart for writing essays or thinking a lot, as explained in Yang's Audacity). You can see why she's considered scary, I hope. . .

Annett forms a barrier between her and other people. As an introvert, only when she feels energised can she crack a door open in that barrier. Because she's never completely lifted it in front of her classmates, she doesn't give them a chance to befriend her. She is uncomfortable with vulnerability. It's perfectly natural.

To her, a friend is someone who understands her as well as she understands them. To put the label "friend" on a person is a big thing for her. She's very cautious.

Annett grew up sheltered. Yes, she knows so much about the world and about science and so on, but she's sheltered herself from people. She's only ever looked at them from the outside. Even her interactions have been distant. She's only used the interactions to observe, analyse, and calculate.

As a result, she hasn't come close to anyone enough to consider them a true friend.

In this chapter, we see her finally involving other people in her schemes. Usually, she only engages in scientific experiments and pranks (although on rare occasions, with Mrs. Norris) alone. So, what will happen if she starts working in a group? How will she react? What will she do? What will happen? Will she finally, finally make a friend? Or will she toss them all aside immediately after the prank has been carried out? ;)

I have the next chapter waiting for validation: it's longer and I'll try to make the rest even more so ;)

Thank you for reading and reviewing (and liking it, if you do).

Hopefully, you'll continue to follow Annett through her sixth year at Hogwarts (there will be more science to come, I promise. And in less vague passing).


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Review #12, by crestwood An Auf Wiedersehen and a Wotter Invasion

30th June 2014:
This is the strongest chapter yet. Annett's kind of sheltered life up until this point would definitely lead to her being more on the introvert side of things and I'm glad you included that. The Wotter clan is awesome here! I generally love them immensely and I will probably fall in love your portrayal as well. Also, I very much like the use of the foreign language at the beginning.

Author's Response: I read this and all I think is: "My, have I big shoes to fill!"

;)

Your compliments are very much appreciated as is your understanding of Annett. I'm not sure I can say this enough to you, but thank you! The expression of your opinions make trudging through this story for hours worthwhile. It psyches up my brain for another session of writing.


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Review #13, by crestwood The Peculiar Childhood: A Prologue

30th June 2014:
Hey, crestwood from the forums here for your requested review!

First off, I just want to say that this is an amazing idea. A muggle-born witch who comes from a family of brilliant scientists; what a premise! Judging from your account, you seem to be fairly new to this site, so I also want to give you a warm welcome :)

There are small grammatical errors throughout this chapter that, while not taking away from the story, could improve the presentation of it all if you had someone read over your work. Oftentimes two sets of eyes catch things that one person might miss. On this site, we call members who look over and help edit and improve writing (grammar, but also more general writing skills, plot ideas etc.) betas. For a story that you're planning on drawing out into many chapters it's usually a good idea to have one. And because I like, and believe in this story, I'd be very very happy to be your beta if you would like me to. I'm not exactly a perfect writer just yet, but I am very good at fixing and explaining grammatical errors and do like to think of myself as someone who can help with all areas of this site.

That being said, in areas such as characterization seem to be your strong suit. Annett's inner voice is strong and like I said, the plot idea is genius. This is a great set-up for an interesting story that will be unlike anything I've read. I feel great about the development of this. I really do.

Author's Response: I feel so welcome!

I will go over my chapters with a fine-tooth comb to weed out those pesky little errors.

Thank you for all your compliments and for and believing in my story. I will take you up on your offer to be a beta.

Cheers


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Review #14, by Ana The Peculiar Childhood: A Prologue

26th June 2014:
I like you. So many things about this story is different.

Your style of righting is so much different than anything I've read. It's different in a awesome way.

The summary sounds unusual, but promising. Science and Magic... you've intrigued me. I really hope this goes well for you and I really hope you've done your research. I want this story to be as good as it already is.

I love the way you say "Dear Reader," instead of "Author's Note:" That part made me smile.

I do have a question, too...

Why the name Annett Sinclaire Kluge? Is it your own name? A friend's name? Does it have a special meaning?

Author's Response: Dear Reader Ana,

Thank you for reading! Thank you for your review! Readers and reviewers make me happy. I like people who make me happy. :)

Thank you for your compliments, your concerns, and your questions.

I have done my research. I love science and I love Harry Potter. Naturally I will try my best to them both justice. . .Together.

Annett's name was chosen because it does have meaning.

Kluge, her family name, means 'clever'. She's clever, her family's clever. Not smart per se. Being smart is to know lots of stuff. To be knowledgeable. To be clever is to apply what you know. It's the application of knowledge and not just the acquiring of it.

Until you read more chapters, which is to say, until I add more chapters, I will not explain the significance of Annett, which means 'grace', and Sinclaire, which means 'bright and clear.' Later. Or I'll just reveal too much.

But for now, know that even her initials carry significance. ;)

Cheers.


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