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15 Reviews Found

Review #1, by marauderslover15  "Actually no- kill Luke Charter. Make sure he dies a painful death before reaching the Hospital Wing. Okay maybe not death, but at least give him a few bruises.” -Gwen Larson

4th August 2014:
Hi again. So sorry this took forever to review. I been in la-la land.

My, my! You have improve a lot. It is less heavy on dialogue and things are getting interesting now with James asking her out. The chapter was a bit long though so I had read it over a couple of days. There were a few grammar mistakes, but easily fixable if you just read it over. Other than that, I was good. =) Keep up the good work. And hope to hear from you again! XOXO

Author's Response: Don't worry about it! I'm really glad you think I have improved. I've been trying my best. I'll edit this chapter soon but at this second I'm feeling kind of lazy so within the next few days haha.

Anyway, thanks for the review c:


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Review #2, by newgenerationlover  "Actually no- kill Luke Charter. Make sure he dies a painful death before reaching the Hospital Wing. Okay maybe not death, but at least give him a few bruises.” -Gwen Larson

24th July 2014:
Hey! Loving the story! Totally shipping James and Gwen!! :P I want to see more full conversations between them, not just them yelling at each other but being semi friendly but still very snarky and sarcastic and hilarious. Can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Thank you! You'll definitely see a lot of James and Gwen coming up in the next chapter. Glad you liked it!

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Review #3, by Gabriella Hunter "I'm dreadful at potions and I have a hatred for James Sirius Potter." -Gwen Larson

22nd July 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I'm really sorry that it took me a minute to get back to you. Things have been annoying! Gosh!

Oh, its nice to meet you too. :3

Okay, so I adore Next Gen, let me be honest and say that I have at least four on my own account and there is no shame in that. So of course I checked this out very happy indeed! I also love reading different stories about James, who I found to be a very fun character to write, personally even though I have made him into a monster. Hahaha. Anyhoo, I thought that the beginning of this chapter was pretty darn good, I loved all the different personalities that were mixed in and the humor was great. Gwen comes off to me as being very stubborn and I thought her obvious dislike for James was hilarious, though I'd really like to get a better reason as to why.

Did he do or say something mean to her in the past? Or perhaps they've known each other a bit too long? Hahah. I'd like to see more of what ties them together but I think there's room for that in the later chapters. (I noticed that you have a lot more chapters so this is good for me)

I thought the battle with Lily for the Snitch was well-written too. I was able to get a lot of information about James's family and a lot of other supporting characters as well. Gwen is not one to be teased.Hahahha.

I liked Dom and Avery but I think there could be a bit more background for them aside from what you revealed in this first chapter. I'm all for a good party but I'd like a few more details about them besides that so I can get better invested in their characters.

I really liked Gwen's breakdown of all the people in her life but I thought that you could have made this part a bit smoother. It felt a bit choppy and I think that if you actually blended them into a few paragraphs with some details, it would flow better. I did like her commentary though, she's hilarious and I think I adore the way she watches after her friends too. I wonder what will happen to her and James in the next chapter? Being drunk has backfired on her, I think! Hahaha. And what is this sudden interest that Stella has for the horrible pair that is James/Scorpius? Which one does she have a fancy for? Hm...what will Gwen do about that, I wonder? Hahaha.

Aside from what I pointed out, I thought that this was an entertaining read so don't feel shy about re-requesting!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #4, by AdinaPuff "I'm dreadful at potions and I have a hatred for James Sirius Potter." -Gwen Larson

20th July 2014:
Hi, here for you requested review!

So, I would like to start this by saying that I love the idea of this story. Quidditch rivals, no doubt going to fall in love. Aren't those just the best stories? I love romance.. Ahem, anyway.

Characters: Gwen seems like a unique character, as do her friends. They all seem to be pretty well developed for the first chapter. I'm hoping to learn more about them on an individual scale as the story developes as well. Otherwise, they wouldn't be much of anything to the reader but a distraction. The best minor character is one that is developed so you could imagine holding a conversation with them, but not necessarily knowing their every single secret and every single thought. That is left to the main character: Gwen. You do so well on voicing her opinion, it almost feels like you're forgetting about everything around her.

Which leads to description (a weakness of mine, I must admit). Description is a killer. You want to go on and tell the story so much, you forget to actually build it. There was probably a 70/30 ratio in favour of quotations to narration. To help you get a better understanding of what I'm searching for, if you go back to edit, answer these: what did the pitch look like? What was the weather like? How were the beaters trying out? What does James look like? What does Hart look like? Who is Hart? What do Stella, Avery and Dom all look like? What did the party smell like (B.O., alcohol, perfume, cologne?) What does Gwendolyn look like? Believe me when I say I have a hard time with description myself. Sometimes you need someone to ask questions so you can go even more in depth.

I really hope you begin to develop the plot soon to let us know if this is going to circulate around Quidditch (which I feel as though it will!) I cannot wait to meet the team, I'm sure they're wonderful, and I cannot wait for Gwen to kick that arrogant James's butt.

Thanks so much for requesting a review! Come back any time! I loved it!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! I'm definitely going back and adding description. That's usually my biggest issue in writing is too much dialogue and not enough description. Anyway, thanks again (:

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Review #5, by crestwood “Are you telling me to leave? You’re the one who followed me. Would someone go to a friend’s house, and at the end of the day tell them to leave? You leave!" -James Potter

18th July 2014:
Hey! Here for your re-request!

I really loved the cautionary measures you wrote for Dominique and again, I really enjoy the chapter title. Those little touches make this story really stand out in memory, even though I cycle through so many on this site weekly.

There's a lot of dialogue in this chapter, but I don't mind it at all. In my opinion, well written dialogue helps to keep characters interesting and gives us plenty of insight into what they're all like. The pace is fine, in the sense that it's not going too fast or too slow, so I don't think anyone could complain about it either way.

The flashback is well done. It gives a little bit of perspective on both James and Gwen and the fact that they've known each other for a while now. It's always good to learn more about character's pasts.

I'm glad you're taking the time to flesh out these characters, rather than jumping directly into the main plot in every chapter. It helps to balance things out and make it all more believable. Great job on this chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing and I'm glad you liked it!

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Review #6, by marauderslover15 “Are you telling me to leave? You’re the one who followed me. Would someone go to a friend’s house, and at the end of the day tell them to leave? You leave!" -James Potter

18th July 2014:
Hi!
Here again with your requested review! =D

Every chapter I find Gwen funnier and funnier. She is such an ah-mazing character. Also I see you improved with the dialogue as we got to hear stories and thoughts from Gwen which by the way I loved (espeically about Dom). I honestly really like the flashback to show us readers how they have a history. That it has ALWAYS been like that. Very lovely & you improved as well =D

Please, re-request. I like to read more!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll re-request soon. (:

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Review #7, by marauderslover15 “Stella I was twelve years old at the time. That’s the age where you just want a boyfriend so you feel like a teenager.”-Gwen Larson

14th July 2014:
Dez here again!

I really, really love Gwen. She is too much for me, but I love her all the same. I would want to be friends with her. This was filler-y, yet still enjoyable! I wonder what James wanted...hmm I hope to see more interaction b/t the two.

Anyway, the only problems I see are the same from before, but I won't sound too repetitive especially since you haven't had the opportunity to maybe edit whatever you wanted to edit.

Other than that, good story. Thanks for requesting a review. And hopefully you will rerequest =D!

Author's Response: I'm really glad you like Gwen! I submitted chapter four a few days ago and I definitely think I improved on the dialogue, so I'll be sure to re-request when that's validated. Thank you so much for your reviews and I'm glad you liked the story!

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Review #8, by marauderslover15 “So, which team were you on, Larson? The Drunken Pygmy Puffs or the Beards of Time?” -James Sirius Potter

14th July 2014:
HI!

Dez again here to review.

Okay so I really like Gwen and hope to see more Gwen/James interaction. They are a unique pair those too!

Again, the same problem in the 1st chapter are seen in this one as well. Transactions also seem a little choppy and it seems solely dialogue. But it's not too hard to go in and rework the chapters by just adding to it.

Other than that, good story you got here!

Author's Response: Thank you (:. This story is thoroughly focused on the characters(those two in particular) so I'm glad that's been working out. I'm definitely going to go in and fix the amount of dialogue and the transactions pretty soon after the story gets going a little more.

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Review #9, by marauderslover15 "I'm dreadful at potions and I have a hatred for James Sirius Potter." -Gwen Larson

14th July 2014:
HI! Dez here with your requested review!

I like how to jump right into their relationship. You establish that from the very beginning so readers know what they are expecting.

I also really like Gwen. Especially when you introduce her mid way, sounding that it was an obligation to do so and understood the cliche behind always introducing a character. You did it in a humorous sarcastic sort of way which I thoroughly enjoyed.

Overall, the story is heavy on dialogue. This is not to say to cut back though. I find dialogue the most interesting. But details need to be incorporated. Whether its the setting or the internal feelings of Gwen or a short paragraph here and there about her perceptions on certain things, will make a great difference.

Good story =)

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! The dialogue thing is probably what I'm most having problems with but hopefully that will be solved in the near future (:

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Review #10, by crestwood “Stella I was twelve years old at the time. That’s the age where you just want a boyfriend so you feel like a teenager.”-Gwen Larson

12th July 2014:
Well, regarding your author's note; I don't think it's important to increase the word count of the chapters. A lot of times a short, to the point chapter gets the job done and I see no reason to force it to be longer. Unless of course, the events of that chapter beg to be stretched out for description purposes or such.

I thought Gwen was a little harsh on little Axel, she may be having a bit too much fun bossing around the Quidditch team haha. It's interesting that she goes from that to keeping quiet about Dom's cheating and even refusing to allow Dom to tell McGonagall herself.

I liked all of the dialogue with Stella in the Common Room because it began to develop her character past simply one of Gwen's friends and let's slip some more nuggets of information about Gwen and her relationships to her friends. In a way, this chapter was focused on how she deals with, and thinks of, her friends. You're beginning to write quite the multifaceted character and I'd love to see where this story heads next. Thank you for your request and feel free to re-request when you've uploaded another chapter!

Author's Response: Yeah, I realize that if I try too hard to add to the word count, it'll look too forced. Thank you so much for your reviews and I'll re-request soon c:

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Review #11, by crestwood “So, which team were you on, Larson? The Drunken Pygmy Puffs or the Beards of Time?” -James Sirius Potter

12th July 2014:
I like this thing where the chapter titles are entire sentences of dialogue from the chapter. I think that's a cool little touch. Also, I love Gwen's overzealous Quidditch practices and the names the teams chose. This story has such a laid back, humorous feel. Most of what I've been reading lately has been fairly angst-filled, so this is a nice change of pace. Actually, I laughed at a couple of different points; the karate flip, The Eight Commandments of Quidditch, Gwen and Dom's etiquette, this was such a generally fun chapter. And James and Gwen made a truce! (sort of) I'd love to have more interactions between them, their scenes together just gel really well. I'm very impressed by this story so far!

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! I'm trying to make it more laid back so I'm glad that worked out.

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Review #12, by crestwood "I'm dreadful at potions and I have a hatred for James Sirius Potter." -Gwen Larson

12th July 2014:
Hey, crestwood from the forums here with your requested review!

I think you did a good job of establishing both James and Gwen's characters at the beginning of the chapter, during their Quidditch ordeal. We get the sense that James is well, how most of us see him, kind of arrogant, kind of playful; a Marauder in spirit and that Gwen is a smart, no nonsense kind of girl who will stand up for herself.

I'm generally not a fan of the introduction in which writers simply list all of the pertinent details of the story, but I think you made it work in two different ways. One, placing it in the middle of the story after we've already met Gwen through her actions and dialogue. And two, this line, "And here is where the author goes “Oh wow! Where are my manners?" I thought that was such a great idea to lampshade the way authors always go about writing those sort of paragraphs in order to inject some humor into things and make the use of the tactic much less boring than I usually find it. The pace during the beginning is slower than the pace during the party, which I find fitting since Gwen is drunk and parties tend to be fast moving and exciting in that way. This is good start to this story, I can't wait to see what happened at the party!

Author's Response: Thank you for your review and feedback!

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Review #13, by TidalDragon “Stella I was twelve years old at the time. That’s the age where you just want a boyfriend so you feel like a teenager.”-Gwen Larson

10th July 2014:
Okey dokey!

This time I figure the best place to begin is with your A/N. I really wouldn't worry about word count. The important thing is the content itself. I have read stories on HPFF where every chapter is 500 words or so that are more impactful and well-written than stories with an average chapter length of nearly 5,000. So I wouldn't get hung up on length.

What I think would be the biggest boon for this story, which seems to fit with a lot of the work in this era and genre, is to be patient with your story. Some chapters are going to fly by in few words, but covering long spans of time. Some are going to spend a long time dwelling on a single scene. If you think back to books you've read, you'll see there's no singular way of doing it, but that attention to the critical tools you need is.

Here, I'm talking about balance (again), word choice, and characterization. You have an excellent opportunity with a Next Gen OC to develop this fiery Ravenclaw Gwen Larson into something brilliant. But because (I think) you are focusing so heavily on plot, that opportunity is getting missed a bit. You've nailed down that she's fiery, but we need to give her more dimension - and this is true of other characters in the story too. In terms of plot, you've nailed down the conflict between Gwen and James (II), now we need the descriptions, the thoughts, the artful language that is going to take us further.

Without a doubt, we've all been in that place, no matter how long you've been writing, where you are so caught up in the thrill of your story that it's hard to slow down and focus on these things. It's a reason I'll probably end up going back and editing some of the early chapters in my own novel on the archives. But over time, you'll see that patience pay dividends and as your confidence builds, your stories will grow in excellence along with it.

I hope I've been helpful and mostly encouraging! Wishing you the best going forward!

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Thanks so much! Right now I definitely need to edit some things. The whole validation queue is a little annoying though which is partially why I haven't been wanting to edit until I'm well into the story but I guess I do need to slow down. I'm going to try to lessen the dialogue and add more description. I do thank you for not being a grammar Nazi though; looking back at all of my chapters I've seen lots of mistakes. This review was very helpful so thank you!

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Review #14, by TidalDragon “So, which team were you on, Larson? The Drunken Pygmy Puffs or the Beards of Time?” -James Sirius Potter

10th July 2014:
Hello again!

This time I thought you did a much better job of balancing the different elements than in the previous chapter. While dialogue still heavily dominated things, the way you sprinkled in description and inner thought throughout made it seem less so and helped the chapter flow better from scene to scene and avoid seeming too brisk in terms of pace. That's not just a bonus for the reader, but for you too because it means they're slowing down and letting your words soak in more.

The one thing that did jump out here though, was the use of profanity. You'll note that in canon, with the exception of one word frequently used by Ron, there is almost NO profanity. Often even in adult novels profanity and crude language are infrequent. This is because of their impact. When such language is rare, it makes it all the more effective when it IS used because it is showing the reader both the intensity of the speaker's emotion and the significance of the surrounding scene to the story, chapter, or character. I'd keep that in mind going forward. I know today's society (and the Next Gen world) may not be so "old school", but there's a lot to be gained by sticking with tradition here.

See you in your final chapter!

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: First of all, thank you for the review. Next, I've gone back and cut some of the profanity out. I guess reading so many stories on here with it, I decided to use it heavily. I think I realize now that the thing I need to work on the most in my writing is the amount of dialogue I use so I'm going to try to cut back on it. Thanks!

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Review #15, by TidalDragon "I'm dreadful at potions and I have a hatred for James Sirius Potter." -Gwen Larson

10th July 2014:
Howdy! What's a house without supportive housemates right? So here I am!

What is perhaps most striking about this chapter is the dramatic change in style when you compare the beginning to the rest of the chapter. While there are certainly similarities, the beginning read much more like a typical story, with a good balance of description, dialogue, and internal thought. That's what you aim for. I'm not sure what caused the shift (maybe you wrote the chapter in different sittings?), but after the Quidditch incident wrapped up, everything became very dialogue heavy. In some cases this can work, but it's very rare and I think it hamstrung you here because the dialogue itself was mostly not crucial and you didn't vary style and sentence length very often. I'd strive to get back to more balance in the future.

Despite that, you did introduce a number of character who we learned enough about to form base judgments, most importantly Gwen. I'll confess at the outset that I'm not a fan of the "rundown" introduction, even when left to the middle, but you did tell us a lot about her - her age, role, friends, enemies, etc. What can be even more effective though is showing not telling. You did an excellent job of this at the top where you showed us through her interactions with James (II) that she was the Ravenclaw Quidditch Captain and both logical and unafraid of standing up for herself. You touched on this some at the party too, where she was more of an observer than a participant, but in the middle you lost that. Stick with it! And use it for more characters!

See you next chapter!

House Cup 2014 Review

Author's Response: Again, thank you for reviewing. I think I got a little carried away towards the end of the chapter with their conversations that I just kept going. Again, I'll try to work on lightening up on dialogue. And yes, I do write chapters in different sittings so I guess that's why everything shifted. Thank you so much for the reviews! They are incredibly helpful and detailed. c:

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