Reading Reviews for Wake up, Rose.
  
23 Reviews Found

Review #1, by mymischiefmanaged Wake up.

23rd July 2014:
Hiya, I'm here from the review tag in the forums.

I like the opening to this story. Although it's hardly unusual for a ScoRose fic to start with Rose hating Scorpius, your wording somehow seemed refreshing. It's also interesting how you've characterised him as somebody everyone loves rather than letting his name influence the way he's viewed. It makes a good start to the chapter.

The spread of ages in the Weasley family is good. It's not realistic to group them all together as the same age and I'm glad you've not gone down that path. I would have liked to have seen a bit more of Albus and Dominique's personalities as they featured quite a bit here but it felt a bit like they were plot devices rather than characters, there to point out that Rose is single. I would have loved to see (for example) some more snarky comments and reapplications of make up from Dom (if she's the prima donna) and have Al looking out for her a bit more. This is in part a matter of personal preference but I think for me it would have improved the chapter to introduce these characters with a bit more depth.

I'm guessing Rose was given a love potion? It's a really interesting opening chapter, giving lots of opportunities for drama when she faces the consequences of the night. I really like how you've put her and Scorpius together in the first chapter rather than spending ages explaining their back story etc. This way's much more fun to read.

The only other comment I'd give is about your summary. I don't know whether it's just me but I was slightly put off your story by the 'wow, I am so punk rock'. It kind of made me think this was one of those stories that's there to make fun of a cliche character or something. Don't know if this makes sense as a criticism or is even relevant and it's probably just me but I thought it was worth mentioning as it nearly meant I didn't bother reading which would have been a shame.

This is a really strong first chapter and I really enjoyed reading it.

Emma

Author's Response: Hey!

I'm glad you like the opening, that was the part I struggled with the most, I think. Albus and Dominique were a bit underused in this first chapter, but they do become quite important characters in the next couple. I'll keep in mind trying to make their personalities pop more though!

I definitely knew I wanted to start the story off with Rose getting into this trouble with Scorpius, because I agree. It's way more fun to be dumped directly into the action.

And oh no! The summary was meant to be a bit of self deprecating humor, I hope it doesn't make it seem like the story is a parody of sorts. I may have to reword it again if that's the case. Either way, I'm glad it didn't succeed in scaring you off.

Thank you for the review Emma, it was super helpful!


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Review #2, by AdinaPuff Wake up.

23rd July 2014:
Hi!

Well, that escalated quickly. I love your characters so far! Rose is definitely a bit different than the other Rose's I've read about, but it's a good different. She's a little more out there, and I love it. Dom is the usual Dominique, always classy and a little sassy. Al, the poor lad, had to deal with her boy rants. Al seems nice, but you haven't gone into great detail with him yet. I cannot wait to see more of him. And Scorp! I don't know what he's like really at all yet. Like she didn't hold a good conversation with him yet for me to really understand.

I'm not sure where the story's going, but it's gonna be a good one! Thanks for swapping with me!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm sooo glad you love my characters. I tried my hardest to make Rose different here, but yeah I did kind of write your stereotypical Dom. Al definitely becomes more important to the story with time haha. I'm don't think I'm even sure what Scorpius is like yet. I'm playing around with his character a ton throughout the writing process.

I loved your opinions about the characters, thanks for your vote of confidence and thank you for the swap!


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Review #3, by Gabriella Hunter It's Kind of a Funny Story.

22nd July 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your awesome review! Be prepared for that! Also, I'm sorry that I'm a bit late. T-T

So, we're back to Rose and I was actually a bit worried for her. I thought that something else had happened for her to be in the hospital wing but I think working in the love potion with the alcohol was a good twist. I never expected that! And it makes since that those two things shouldn't be taken together but I do think that Rose should have gotten into a bit more trouble for drinking--maybe she gets a letter from her parents? I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't have just been blown under the rug unless she bribed the school nurse. Hahaha.

Oh, I caught something too: "Mrs. Weasley" should be, "Ms. Weasley" since Rose isn't married. That was the only thing that stood out and it'll be easy to spot. :D

I was really surprised by Scorpius! I had a feeling that he liked her but I was shocked that he would actually want to get it off of his chest right then and there. It was pretty brave of him but I wonder how Rose will handle the truth of it later on? Did she even believe him? Will he be more assertive later? Hm...

Albus and Dom! Tsk, tsk, tsk. They were really naughty for doing that to Rose and I can understand why she's mad. Will they make up? I know that they didn't intend on her and Scorpy...you know, doing all that but I hope they understand the consequences!

I thought this was a good chapter, it certainly didn't go in the direction that I thought and I hope you update soon, okay? Aside from what I pointed out earlier, there weren't any other problems that I could spot so keep on writing!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hey Gabbie!

I'm glad you liked my little early-story twist. I didn't even think of Rose getting in trouble, honestly. I suppose I may just write a scene in which she gets a stern talking to from her head of house or something similar. And yes, I edited out the Mrs. but it hasn't made it's way through the queue yet! That must have been a complete brain lapse on my part.

Scorpius (in my mind) had been wanting to say it for years and seeing Rose so close to actually dying encouraged him to let that loose! I hope Rose's decision of how to handle what he told her keeps you interested!

Al and Dom are a bit immature, if you couldn't tell by their actions, but I think eventually I'll have them come around and regret what they did.

I'll be sure to updating soon(ish), thank you so much for this review! You've lived up to your previous awesomeness :)


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Review #4, by pointless_proclamations It's Kind of a Funny Story.

22nd July 2014:
Interesting.
potions + alcohol = serious health concerns.
I love the idea! Was it a bad reaction to powdered moonstone? How exactly did her body take to the combination?

I wonder, what did Rose smell in the bottle? Or were the scents disguised under the smell of Firewhisky?

Excuse my questions, you don't have to answer them if you don't want to. I just want to let you know how you've got my mind running.

I love the new chapter! I love the story! It's awesome! You're awesome!

Cheers.

Author's Response: Hey!

I pictured it as a situation where her body kind of overheated. The combination of the two severely dehydrated her, causing her blackout. Rose didn't notice anything strange about the bottle, mostly because she trusted Al. I'm so glad I've got your mind running, thank you for your amazing review!


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Review #5, by diamondmoon It's Kind of a Funny Story.

20th July 2014:
Hello again =D

Oh, it was a love potion! I thought that was a little strange the way they were acting, even for firewhiskey. That makes sense though. At first at the beginning of the chapter, I thought she was still in Scorp's bed, and her mind was playing tricks on her. I liked that it was Albus and Dom who gave her the love potion. Really, I thought this was just a unique situation in general.

The plot is going along pretty well. I'm curious as to how this will play out. Re-request when you have updated a chapter! I'd love to review again. (:

9/10

Author's Response: Yes, it was a love potion. At least in Rose's case. Scorpius has a totally different excuse, but as we don't see his point of view, it isn't examined yet. I felt terrible about it being Al and Dom to give her the potion, but it made sense when I was planning haha.

Thank you for this wonderful review, I'll definitely re-request!


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Review #6, by diamondmoon Wake up.

20th July 2014:
Hi!

First, I'm just going to say whoa. I did NOT expect what happened in the end XD. It was just like hate hate hate hate "Let's be best friends!" "Okay!" And BAM they're in bed. And that's REALLY good. You want your story to be unpredictable. Most stories will just wait too long in the scenes, and you know what's going to happen but in this, you just got right to the point.

I also like what you did with the characters. I'm getting tired of reading stories where the ages are kind of out of wack, but this is how it should be. Rose, Albus and Scorpious at least two years behind James, Dom somewhere in the middle, Lily and Lucy much younger etc. Applause for getting that right.

Besides the fact that the end of this chapter kind of ended with a bang, you did a good job pacing the beginning. Just a small introduction. Enough so that we know who the characters are and a little about them, but not too much that we know their life story.

Over all, I am very impressed with this first chapter. For a Rose/Scorpious(usually they kind of have all of the same plots), I can tell that this is going to be amazing and I'm interested in their reactions when they wake up in the morning. Awesome start!

10/10

Author's Response: Hey!

I'm glad you enjoyed the pacing of the story! I went through a lot of edits trying to get the first chapter to move at the speed I wanted it to. And it's also a pet peeve of mine when people simply throw all of the Next-Gen characters into any which year. Thank you for your kind words. What an amazing review!


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Review #7, by Remus It's Kind of a Funny Story.

20th July 2014:
Hello! I'm here, once again, with your review swap! When you post the next two chapters, let me know so I can come! You totally had me impressed with reading all four chapters of mine!! :D Thank you!

I'm glad to finally be here! Being without internet is definitely not fun! Shall we begin? XD

"Mrs. Weasley, I'm glad to see you're awake. For a moment there..."--You called Rose "Mrs." instead of "Miss"

Oh no!! Did her cousin give Rose a love potion? What? Was it meant for him or did he give it to her knowing what it was? Dun dun dun!!

I really like the dialogue exchange between Scorpius and Rose, however, it felt like it still needs some "meat" to it. For example, when Scorpius is telling Rose that he is crazy for her, there should be more "feel" in Rose about it. It's difficult to explain when its in first POV. Basically it comes down to telling the reader how she felt/thought when he was confessing that to her.

Oh no! They both did it to her! What?! You would think that they would know a little bit better but alas...hahaha. They're young and silly children. They didn't realize that they could've done something really bad to her! No consequences. Haha.

I really like her friends though!! However, wouldn't they, you know, support her a little bit? Or is it because they were charmed by Scorpius that they didn't see that he was "teasing" Rose too much?

I wouldn't call this chapter as "filler". It actually helps move the story along to where you want it to go. You have to give yourself some time to flesh everything out, including your characters and plot.

This was a great chapter!

Until next time
--Rosie

Author's Response: Hey Rosie!

I will definitely let you know when I get around to updating this!

I didn't ever catch that I called her Mrs. accidentally. I'll have to edit that out. I wasn't all too sure about Scorpius and Rose's conversation in this chapter. I meant for it to be read as Rose kind of ignoring him, as if she thought he was playing a joke or something. I definitely could have made that scene a lot clearer though.

They were very unaware of the consequences of mixing alcohol with the potion, as well as extremely inconsiderate about Rose's wishes to keep more to herself than them. They saw her behaviour as some kind of cry for help, I believe.

Her friends are someone blinded by their undying hope for Rose to have her 'happily-ever-after' story. Along with Scorpius' uncanny ability to avoid insulting her outright when others are paying attention.

Thank you so much for the review!


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Review #8, by jessicalorewrites Wake up.

16th July 2014:
Hey!

I'm here with your requested review courtesy of my review thread over on the forums. And can I just say right off the bat, for your first story in three years this is excellent!!

Rose seems like a very likeable character despite the fact she doesn't have that many friends outside her family circle. I'd love to se her reach out and make more though, but perhaps that is coming. She gets along well with her dormmates which is great since one of them is usually the antagonist, so this is different!

I have to say though, Scorpius is really the one playing on my mind. Do I trust the general consensus and believe he's a truly loveable guy or do I trust what Rose says about him and pit him as the evillest of evils? He definitely seemed a little mean with his comment on Rose always being alone but then towards the end, courtesy of alcohol - and maybe veritserum I think? - he seems to actually like her. Or at least lust her.

There are definitely some funny moments too. I love that you don't really seem to be trying too hard to go for 'humour' but yet it just comes naturally. James handing out the ton-tongue toffees and Scorpius' line "do you mind finding your way out of my corridor" actually had me loling at the computer hehe :p

There are a few things I would take into account to improve the general flow of your writing, though. In a lot of cases you use the character's name right after already writing it. In case you don't know what I mean:

Here, you put "Al looks more than relieved when he sees that I've entered the compartment. I sit down next to Al and say..." except you don't need to reiterate that it is Al, especially since he is the only male in the room. Instead, try things like "Al looks more than relieved when he sees that I've entered the compartment. I sit down next to him and say..."

Overall though this is a really great first chapter. There are little quotes and phrases that instantly grab the reader's attention and this gets me interested for the coming chapters! Can't wait to read them!!

xo

Author's Response: Hey!

I like to think of Rose as one of those people that could have as many friends as they'd like, but simply choose to focus on other things. Her dormmates absolutely love her, regardless haha.

I'm glad Scorpius' real nature isn't so readily apparent. I like to let the reader kind of figure that out on their own. And I'm really excited that you thought it had some funny moments! I didn't want to overdo it, but I wanted there to be a few laughs.

And I did not catch the name thing at all, but now that you point it out it seems so obvious and miscalculated!

Thank you for this wonderful review and all of the kind words! So glad you liked it!


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Review #9, by marauderslover15 It's Kind of a Funny Story.

16th July 2014:
Hi, again love! =D

GREAT START! I was thinking to myself, like “Oh, she’s in Malfoy’s bed” THEN in reality she is in the hospital. Very surprise and it traps your readers to continue reading! AND MIND BLOWN! No wonder she was so keen on Malfoy so suddenly. LOVE POTION! DARN (although I would like to use a naughtier word here) ALBUS! YOU TRICKED US ALL! LOL And Scorp is so cute, ah I want him. Anyway, I don’t have much to say because everything was absolutely great this chapter. I really look forward to reading more so please re-request!

Author's Response: Hey Dez!

I'm so happy you liked the little reveals I sprinkled throughout this chapter. That love potion the ripple effect that jump starts everything else that is going to happen. Thank you for the review and all of the compliments, I will definitely re-request!


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Review #10, by red_headed_juliet It's Kind of a Funny Story.

15th July 2014:
This was hilarious. I like how your main character isn't exactly the most likable. Haha. She is genuinely aggresive, sarcastic, or shrewd, and that's ok. +]

I think that the whole Scorpius deciding he has feelings for her was a bit sudden, like I expected there to be more time, but oh well. +] It's still quite an entertaining story.

Favorite line: "You guys are my new favorite couple!" yelps Happy.

I literally laughed out loud. This was just hilarious. And when the fs started coming out, I knew it was going down! I would be like that too if my cousin almost tried to kill me.

Overall, very nice. Thanks so much for the swap! I'm adding this to my reading list. it was just too funny

Author's Response: Rose is definitely not the easiest to get along with, for sure. And I think it's a matter of the shock of Rose nearly dying that caused Scorpius to say what he said. I hope I can explore the factors that added into his admission later in the story. I do enjoy writing Rose's dormmates a lot. I hope I can manage a little bit of comedy in this story as best as I can. Thank you for the swap and adding it to your reading list! I'll try to update as soon as possible!

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Review #11, by Remus Wake up.

14th July 2014:
Hello!! so sorry that I took a while to get here!! However, the important thing is that I'm here for your review!! Let's get this started!

I like Rose's relationship with his cousins. It definitely feels natural here. It made me laugh that Dom was trying to make Rose more...outgoing? However, does that mean that Rose doesn't have any friends? Or she has a few and wants to make more?

Aww, why is Scorpius so mean to Rose? What did he do to her? I'm kinda intrigued. Reading your warnings and pairing...I'm not sure if I'm going to like this!

Aww!! Flitwick now reads off the first year list and sorts them! Is McGonagall the Headmistress here?

I like how I'm confused about Scorpius. Should I trust what Rose says or what everyone says? He could be a charmer, like Tom Riddle, and just play everyone except for Rose. I also like how the Houses don't have this crazy rival-complex. They seem to get along...like inviting other houses for a party.

I find it interesting and refreshing that she doesn't get along with every single cousin she has! In every next gen story that I've read, everyone one gets along with everybody..well, except the adult cus they're "not cool" enough for them.

Haha! "family gift giving occasion.--I think that's how I'm going to call them now!

Whoa, hold up...wow...that happened fast. Why?! No! They shoulndn't have had that "drunken fun". This is definitely not good. What I liked about that part is the fact that she's not telling herself to stop; she's enjoying herself. That's alcohol for you! It makes things seem more fun, even your enemies! And then do stupid things with your so called enemies. Man...I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter! What will they say?! How would they react? I'm still intrigued about how your rating and warnings will come to play in your story.

See you in the next chapter!!
--Rosie

Author's Response: Hey Rosie!

I'm glad you like the relationship between Rose and her cousins, that'll make the rest of the story that much more satisfying for you. And it's definitely a case of Rose having a few friends but Dom wanting her to simply befriend everyone.

McGonagall is the Headmistress here, while Flitwick is the Deputy Head. Scorpius has a strange fixation with Rose that stems largely from an awkward first encounter.

I try to make Scorpius' true nature sort of ambiguous. I want to make it plausible to have differing opinions on him and still be somewhat correct. And haha family gift giving occasions are what I tend to call holidays in real life so I thought I'd slip a bit of my own humor into this.

The reactions about the party will be incredibly varied and as you can guess, the rest of the story kind of ripples from that. I hope I can make it at least a little unpredictable what will happen next and I hope you come back to read on! Thank you for this lovely review!!


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Review #12, by The_Crookshanks_Saga It's Kind of a Funny Story.

13th July 2014:
Hi, this is the (very late) Crookshanks Saga from the review swap!

I have to say, this has gotten. Lot better since your requested review! I am truly enjoying this, and am really glad you're continuing. That being said, some parts of this weren't exactly reallstic. Like, Skip professing his love like that, and Rose accepting it so calmly (well, for her). If you really wanted to give an expressal scene so quickly- don't. It makes the story less authentic and blatantly obvious, with no drawn out suspense.

On the plus side- new summary AMAZING. I truly, completely love it.

Until next time!
-Meena

Author's Response: Hey Meena!

I'm really glad you see improvement here, that means so much. And I know Scorpius' confession was kind of well, ridiculous, but I'm hoping to balance it out with how I develop the initial reasons for him doing so later on. And I'm planning on explaining Rose's reaction to still thinking he's playing some sort of mind game, so I hope that makes some kind of sense haha. On another note, I'm so excited that you love the summary, it was written for you after all! Thank you so much for doing this swap!


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Review #13, by maryhead Wake up.

13th July 2014:
HI! I'm here for your requested review!

I really like the beginning of this story! Maybe it's because I've never read lots of Next Gen fics, but I am really pleased by how you managed to transform a "classic" start of a fanfic (the train ride to Hogwarst and the Feast) into a very original introduction.

First of all, I was happy to read that you didn't spend too much time describing the beauty of the train and the goodbye to Rose's parents. I mean, it is true that the train station is wonderful and leaving your parents for an entire term can cause a wide variety of emotions, but I read far too many fanfics playing on these two particular elements. Instead, you chose to start your story by depicting the thoughts of your protagonist. It is an interesting beginning, quite cinematographic if you ask me. A reader can hear Rose ranting in her head and watch her walking hurriedly in the crowd, and then BAM. The camera zooms and Malfoy junior makes his first appearence in the film! As I said, original and cinematographic.

Then, there is the ride in itself. Thankfully you didn't talk about the sweet cart lady (candy lady? Honestly I don't know how to call her ;)) and you preferred to focus on Rose and her cousin/friends. Wow, Dom is something, isn't she? I quite like her, and the banter between the two girls too. It is realistic, they are good friends but they do not agree on everything. On the contrary, they seem to have quite the opposite behaviour towards the world: Rose is more introvert, but not because of her shyness (at least, I don't think so), but because she values the importance of choosing carefully your friends/lover, whereas Dom embraces the philosophy "the more the better". It is a nice contrast, even more enjoyable because you managed to combine two different characters without making them enemies.

You are depicting Rose's psychology in a remarkable way. Using the first person's device, you manage to dig into her mind and show the readers all her thougths and doubts, without forgetting that there's a world outside your character's head and instead playing with the little imputs that could morph one's thread of thoughts. Wonderful, I tell you.

Last but not least, there's the icing on the cake, the best part of the chapter in my opinion: the party! I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that the party was set in Slytherin Common Room, because that means that somehow the Hose rivalry has decreased after the War, what a wonderful news! Oh, and the way Rose smoothly loses inhibitions and becomes more and more... friendly... That was soo good!

I hope I didn't ramble too much :). Sorry if I did, but when I find a story interesting, I tend to pour all my impressions and thoughts without a logical order! Anyway, as you MAY have noticed, I loved this first chapter, and I'm looking forward to read the future updates.

As I usually review one chapter per request, if you'd like to receive my opinion over the other chapters, don't hesitate to re-request!

Author's Response: This is my favorite review that I've gotten so far on this story, I'm in awe right now! Wow, the word cinematographic is a gigantic compliment. I was really hoping that I could write an opening chapter that did more than go through the motions, so to speak.

I'm so glad you like Dom, because I was afraid she may come off as stuck up to some people but you seem to understand what I was going for. I don't believe that two different people automatically will not like each other because if that was the case, we'd all be friends with people exactly like us! And where's the fun in that?

I struggled with what point of view to write this in and it's awesome that I succeeded in kind of, becoming Rose here.

In my Next-Gen headcanon I always prefer to have the houses more joined together than anything. It allows for more believable interactions between those characters in separate houses, I think.

I definitely don't mind rambling if that's what this is! I'm so thrilled that you liked this chapter and I will make SURE to re-request! Thank you so much for this lovely review!


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Review #14, by hangingwallflower Wake up.

12th July 2014:
Hi, here from the review tag!

I liked a lot of the dialogue in your story, as it contained a lot of humor. Both Scorpius and Rose seem to be very passionate people in this, and I love pairings like that - always makes for more drama. This chapter was pretty fast-paced as well, and very action-packed.

Anyway, you did a really nice job with this! :)

Author's Response: Hey! I'm glad you thought my dialogue was humorous, I was slightly worried about this being considered a comedy of sorts. And there's definitely drama to be written here. Thank you for the review!

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Review #15, by Gabriella Hunter Wake up.

12th July 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie here with your requested review, its nice to meet you and all that jazz.

So this was a pretty neat Scor/Rose, I've read a few of these sort of stories but nothing quite like this before. I really like your family dynamics, I'm always really glad to read how others write the Next Gen kids and yours are SO different from mine! An anti-social Roxanne? Interesting! I want to know more about that, personally since I think you could really have some good drama later, maybe something darker happening behind the scenes? Hm...

I really liked Albus and its great to see Rose being friends with Dom, I usually don't see her with that particular cousin. I think they have an interesting relationship, they seem to balance one another out--I would like to see a bit more growth from them later on but I think you set them up nicely here.

Oh, and I LOVED the way you wrote this beginning. Rose's thoughts about Scorpius are hilarious and it reminded me of those old eighties movies, what with him looking at her at that EXACT moment while she's thinking about him. HAHA. Scorpius is a curious little thing, I'd like to know more about why he doesn't like Rose, I'm guessing he doesn't LIKE that he might LIKE her? I'd wanted to see a bit more of their banter and antagonism but you can always talk about that later. Is there something that happened in the past that made him dislike her? It would give them a bit more depth, I think.

Anyway, I wasn't expecting that ending! What are they going to do now?! They're hilarious drunks however but I wonder how much they're going to remember the next day...you've got me curious on how you're going to resolve this!

My only critique would be that it felt a tad rushed, I felt like the scenes jumped a bit too quickly before I could get into the groove of the characters and setting. If you slowed it down just a little, it could be used to give a bit more details about their lives and I'm eager to see how Rose will develop.

Other than that, it was a good read! Thanks so much! Feel free to stop by again!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hey Gabbie!

I'm glad I could switch up the family dynamics enough to possibly bring a little uniqueness to a pretty common ship. There's definitely a fair share of drama that's going to erupt in this family in later chapter, that's for sure.

Albus, Dom and Rose are, for better or worse, a kind of trio. I think they all balance each other out and bring something to the table, the way I imagine them at least.

Rose and Scorpius are both strange cases and textbook examples of their houses. There's a whole lot to be exposed and examined about those two in the future.

And I know this chapter was a bit rushed through and possibly left too much to the imagination, but future chapters may make up for that, as some of them are completely dedicated to finding out more details and getting to know the characters.

Thank you so much for this wonderful review, I will make sure to request again!


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Review #16, by pointless_proclamations Wake up.

27th June 2014:
I have these moments in which I'm just hungry for fan fiction. When that happens, I come here to try and quell my hunger. Most times, it works.

With this story, you've just increased the magnitude of my hunger.

Seriously now, your story is amazing. Granted, Scorpius's behaviour was a bit excessive, but I'm glad I continued reading. :D

Cheers.

Author's Response: This review is absolutely lovely. I'm glad to have increased your hunger for fan fiction, that sounds like an honor. Come back soon for the edited version of this chapter and the rest of the story! :)

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Review #17, by The_Crookshanks_Saga Wake up.

26th June 2014:
Hi, this is The_Crookshanks_Saga, here with your requested review!

I really enjoyed reading this chapter, it was great!

That being said, the first two paragraphs of the story, which jump on to Rose immediately hating Scorpius, are a bit overdone. Especially the part about him just 'getting off on my pain'. Yes, I do like he idea that you wanted to open the story up with that, but maybe try and rephrase a bit, try something different.

I like the dynamic you added between Dominique, Albus, and Rose: like they’ve accepted each other for whom they are, but still poke and prod a bit.

Your story: "Oh please Ginger, as if I'd care so much about you to go out of my way to come talk to you," he snarls, "Ethan here was just begging me to come occupy you while he attempts to talk to your cousin.” Snarl. Snarl? Yes, I know they hate each other, but don’t you think snarling is going a bit too far, especially for a guy everyone else believes to be nice? How about, like, scoffs. There’s plenty of contempt in that. But, on the plus side, I really like the dialogue in this sentence. I like practically all the dialogue, really.

There are a few spelling/grammar mistakes, but not enough to disrupt the flow of your story, which is great by the way.

This whole chapter had a bit too much of “telling” and not much “showing”. For example, there wasn’t much action other than dialogue and Rose’s thoughts, no big insights on mood+ through “I could practically see a smoke pouring out of his ears”- bad example. The point is, a little more figurative language would spice the chapter up. This does round out near the end of the chapter, but I think you could still use a bit more of it.

Erm, the time gap from staring at her cousins and then “I arrive at the Back to School part with Al and…” had me scratching my head a bit, because a) we barely heard of the party until now, b) wasn’t that supposed to be in a week, and c) aww man! We missed all the good stuff! I don’t know about you, but my inner girl definitely rejoices at a dress up scene which, if I may add, has the potential to inject a few laughs into the story.

And then the ending- the sprinting up to the dormitory was a bit lost on me- would two drunks actually break apart to do that? It seems a bit unrealistic, and does break up the flow of the story a tiny bit- from the party to a bed. Maybe if you could add a bit more sensory detail- “The stone felt hard under my feet, and I cursed it. Why did stone have to be so- stoney? (in true drunk fashion- another good way to inject humor)”.

The last paragraph was great, by the way- unlike many authors, who give excruciating detail, you gave just enough so we got the gist and left it there. Perfect. And the “darkness” part was a great way to end the chapter.

There's no need to worry about your characters, they are interesting. But, if you want to add some hilarity between them, some extra dynamic, try to put yourself in their shoes before writing their action/dialogue, like (total example)- 'I'm Lucy Weasley, and I've got more brains than the rest of my cousins put together- just in my left pinkie finger. Those idiots don't give even a fizzing whiz bee about academics. Oh look, here comes James, who has the maturity of a toddler but is supposedly older than me.' You get the gist.

Now, last critique- your summary, which, I must say, is not very good- or, good, but not for this story- well, at least so far. Summaries are better to be hooks to your story, not an ambiguous overview. Try and think of something more mysterious, but funny (funny’s a great hook), something that will catch your attention. If you need help brainstorming, PM me on the forums. Don't worry- barely any of us have talent for summaries; they are the bane of my existence.

Until next time!

-Meena

Author's Response: This is probably the best review I could have hoped for. I saw it hours ago, but I've been reading through trying to soak up all of this amazing advice. I'm planning to edit this chapter up quite a bit, so I thank you for giving me some points to focus on and tune.

I'll make sure I attempt to rephrase some of the beginning/try my hand with some figurative language/write a summary that hooks a bit more and try to get my writing as good as I'd like it to be before continuing on with the plot. Thank you so much for all the criticism and the compliments as well, it all means a ton to me!


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Review #18, by Infinityx Wake up.

26th June 2014:
Hi, here for our swap!

I think you have an interesting story going on here. I was really curious why Scorpius was being nasty to Rose but everyone else liked him. Well, there's a theory that kids are nasty to people of the opposite sex that they have feelings for and don't know how to express. The final steamy scene kind of made that certain.

I'm guessing this chapter was just to set a foundation for whatever happens to Rose. It was a bit fast paced but I have a feeling that the main plot is yet to begin, something to do with her blacking out.

Anyway, great start and I'd love to read more!

Author's Response: Yeah, Scorpius is a little transparent with his huge obsession with Rose. In the coming chapters there's a lot more factors involved at the party revealed than were originally obvious. Thanks for the review!

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Review #19, by lindslo2012 Wake up.

25th June 2014:
Hey there!
Here for your requested review!
Oh. my. gosh. I can't wait to read more.
In the beginning I was kind of feeling bad for her because well- Scorpius was horrible to her and not to anyone else. The hottest guy apparently. I felt really bad for her though when Scorpius said that remark, that she should be used to being alone. I found that really, really rude. :(
I really liked how you said all of the cousin's names and described all of them too. That was pretty awesome and I loved how much detail you put in all of the chapter. Dominique sounds like the type of cousin that I normally wouldn't probably want to be around... she seems like she is kind of stuck up in a way. But I also see Dominique in my head that way because of how I have seen her described in previous next gens.
I am REALLY starting to like next gens these days and I really want to continue with mine! :) I think you did an amazing job- way to go.
Please come back and re-request!
Until next time,
-Lindsey

Author's Response: I'm glad that you found it all interesting! I actually had a hard time thinking of ways for Scorpius to put Rose down because I am so used to jumping right into them being madly in love and yes, Dom is a little stuck up and kind of sees herself as better than Rose, I think. Thank you for the really kind review, I will definitely come back and re-request!

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Review #20, by sapphyst Wake up.

25th June 2014:
Hey, Karina(tangible.silence/sapphyst) here to review some good shiznit :)

Okay, so to start off, I actually really like where this story is heading. The flow is actually pretty good - it stays the same throughout most of the chapter, although it is a bit fast-paced for my liking. And the characterization of Rose and Scorp is pretty spot on (although if you don't mind me pointing out his name is spelt 'Scorpius'; I think you have it as 'Scorpious') - I love Rose's sense of humor. This is going to a pretty good novel , I can feel it in my bones, dear.

I do believe that you could add more description, instead of saying that Albus plays Quidditch and is Captain, you can have Rose notice the shiny badge proudly pinned upon his uniform, etc. etc.

I also feel as if the last scene (where the drunk sex happens) is a bit rushed; perhaps you could have descriptions of the pounding music, I don't know, to have the atmosphere of a teenage party and really drag the readers into the world? You could also add more detail to the last bit of that scene as well. I mean, not the deed itself, but maybe detail the fumbling around more (because Merlin, they're horribly smashed. It would be so fun to write the fumbling and the 'whoops there goes the buttons' and the 'did you just rip my shirt?' moments).

Instead of: "He pulls my shirt off...", you could say: "It takes him a while to figure out the buttons on my shirt, before he mumbles, "Dang it," and just rips it apart." It would also make the scene a bit more interesting to read, rather than having you tell the reader this and that happened. Does that make sense?

All in all, I really love where this is heading, hopefully my criticism helps you out in some way, because this story is proving to be quite interesting!!

-Karina

Author's Response: I thought I had edited out all the misspellings of his name. I see now that I left some in towards the beginning, but I suppose that's what the edit button is for haha.

Thank you for complimenting Rose's sense of humor (I was a little concerned about that) and your confidence in my little story! Your suggestions about increased detail are much appreciated and I will keep them in mind. I haven't written anything narrative in some time because I have been busy attempting to learn grammar and such, so I can use all the constructive criticism I can get.

Thank you for this review Karina!


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Review #21, by TidalDragon Wake up.

25th June 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by to fill your review request!

So first off, I think you have set up some interesting potential characters. It's always a risk with any non-canon era story jumping in at the middle of their Hogwarts "careers" and trying to flesh them out, but you showed us who the central players are going to be (or at least some of them) and then you gave us bits of information about each (and some of their relationships). What I think would make the characters stronger is you did this development in a more narrative fashion. Writing from the first-person POV, you have an excellent opportunity to drive the characterizations using observations and descriptions that in a third-person POV you sometimes can't cover in as much detail. I'd encourage you to follow the maxim "show don't tell" in this area. For example, instead of having a bit of dialogue that really only serves to segue into the next character point you're trying to make, and explaining that (like you do with Albus being Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team), you can have Rose make minor observations (like perhaps he's reading a book about Quidditch or a broom catalog, or he has a more detailed conversation with someone about the sport rather than more of a one off.

As far as flow, I think it was fine, but the concern is pacing. I know you want to get to the meat ASAP, but even for a passionate love-hate take (which it seems like you're going for), even with too much alcohol involved, even with some peer pressure about finding a boyfriend in the lead up to the party, you have to be careful about moving too quickly. Admittedly I don't know what your plan is for the rest of the story, maybe there will be immense consequences to be explored or perhaps this will be a dream (given the chapter title) or perhaps you'll take another route entirely, but despite the title, my initial impression is that things got rushed. If you want to keep the (first ?) hook-up this soon, I think you'd be wise to perhaps slow down the party and really build up the deterioration of their senses, how they come together, other interactions that are going on at the party, and really taking your time to build up the passion in the hook-up as opposed to going through with a lot of speed.

The bottom line is, I think you have a potential framework there (a big thing to have when you're coming off a long-term hiatus). The big things are pace and polish, which you can always work on as the story continues.

Good luck! I hope you found the review helpful and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Author's Response: I will definitely work on my "showing" in my writing. I intend to take the criticism and try my best to apply it to my writing as the story progresses, so it should only get better if all goes well. I'll try to slow down the pace some and allow for the reader to take in more. Thank you so much for the really thoughtful review!

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Review #22, by toomanycurls Wake up.

24th June 2014:
Hello!! Thanks for doing a review swap.

Rose goes on quite an interesting journey in this chapter. I mean, she's expressing her utmost loathing for Scorpius at the beginning and ends up in bed with him at the end. I feel like their interaction at the end might have been the result of perhaps a love potion or something (besides the alcohol) to cause them to be so kind and, well, into each other.

I can almost buy that they're at each other's throats because they like each other but there's not much of that hinted through Rose's narration - at least not from her. Scorpius' cruel jabs are what I'd expect from him. They show that he's perceptive and has a mean side.

I liked your run-down of the Weasley/Potter kids who are at Hogwarts at this time. It was a nice list of information done in a way that didn't feel too list-y.

Then the party - like I said before, this was a suprise and I do wonder if there's more at work that's pushing them together. I'll be interested to see any fall out that happens as a result of this.

-rose

Author's Response: Hi!
I glad you liked my list of Rose's family. I tried not to just have a block of text where I plainly explained the characteristics of each of them but it kind of seemed necessary. You've guessed correctly that there was something more than Firewhiskey pushing them together at the party. In a way, at least. Thank you for the review and I will be starting on yours in a few minutes!


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Review #23, by marauderslover15 Wake up.

23rd June 2014:
HI ^__^ Dez aka marauderslover15 here for that review you requested.

Let’s get started. First off, characterization done is really well. For example, even though Ron is not a major character you stuck his canon character as I can see him complaining to Rose about the Malfoys. With the rest of the characters, I find them interesting and different. Many next-gen fics, either Rose or Scorp has a crush and are acting civil toward each other, but you had made Scorp mean to Rose (which is probably b/c he likes her). I honestly REALLY liked that. It isn’t cliché from the fic I have read so far. Another thing that isn’t cliché is the fact that Al is close to Rose & Dom, James is the one usually closer Potter boy to the two since he is in the same house.

The flow is really good. From the scene of Scorp telling her she is alone and her later zoning out about it. It shows consistency of the subject. I do feel the drinking scene between the two was slightly rushed. I think if you just add a little more conversation between the two, it will flow better.

I also wanted to let you know, I find it hard to laugh at stories. But the humor in yours got me. I really did enjoy this. Wonderful chapter. Please request again for the second chapter! I would LOVE to see what happens next! =D

~marauderslover15

Author's Response: First off, thank you so much for reviewing! I'm really glad you enjoyed my characterization because that was previously one of my major problems with my writing and it's great to know that I've improved. I also understand what you mean about the drinking scene. That was the most difficult for me to write and I'm not entirely sold on it, but I gave it a try nonetheless.

I'm incredibly happy that you liked my humor! That's a huge weight off of my shoulders. I was nervous to even add humor as one of the genres because I wasn't sure if anyone would honestly find it funny.

Thanks again for the lovely review, I will make sure to request again when I've written the second chapter!


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