Reading Reviews for Esto Perpetua
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by mymischiefmanaged The Last Vestiges Of Peace

18th August 2014:
Hello! Here with your requested review. Sorry for leaving it a bit late, I've not been very up to date on this site recently.

Okay, I enjoyed reading this. You keep the marauders well in character and get the dynamics of their group perfectly. Sirius and James's casual arrogance, Remus's sensible side contrasting with his appreciation of his friends, and Peter's awkward clinging to the edge of the group. It's very believable that your characters would grow up to be the people we know from the books so well done for that.

You had some lovely touches here. I loved Sirius and Remus duelling to pass the time, and Peter's not being able to join in. It seems like exactly the kind of thing they'd do, and isn't something I've seen before. What we know of the girls so far seems like they'll be good characters. I love Sirius/Marlene and you've got Lily spot on. I kind of hope you don't put Remus with Mary as well. It's never that convincing when two friendship groups conveniently all pair up.

Snape and Mulciber are appropriately awful, although I wonder whether Mulciber would really be going along with Snape's caring for Lily? I would have thought he wouldn't have much patience for that friendship, so maybe Snape shouldn't be talking about Lily in front of him? Just a thought.

Your descriptive passages are really strong, keeping everyone in character and giving us an indication of setting etc. I think some of the dialogue could be used more effectively. We learn more about the boys through your descriptions than through their speech, so that's potentially something to work on in future chapters.

I'd also steer clear of having such short scenes. You've moved setting quite a lot in a small space of time which breaks up the flow a bit. It's not a big problem but it could easily be avoided.

Other than that I really enjoyed this. It looks like it'll end up being a really good story and you've written it well so well done!

Emma x

Author's Response: Thank you for your very kind review! Sorry I'm a bit late with the response :O

I'm happy to know the characterisation worked for you. It's always a bit difficult for me to get Peter right in particular, especially the fine line between awkwardness and downright stupidity.

Haha Blackinnon isn't very popular, so good to know it works. Mary isn't exactly in the same friendship group as Lily and Marlene, though she does hang out with them on occasion, but more of that in the coming chapters. I've got a plot arc for Remus and Mary, but it won't be everything in the garden's lovely by any means :P

Thank you for pointing out about Mulciber's reaction to Snape's crush. I admit I didn't put enough thought into that, I'll be working on it in future chapters.

Oh yes, I'm still working on improving dialogue. The second chapter is up now, though, and hopefully the dialogue is better there. I'm working on improving the scenes too, so I hope the ones in the second chapter are better.

I'm actually revamping the first chapter again, introducing the plot and more dialogue, so I'll keep your advice in mind when writing :)

Once, again, thank you so very much for the review. It's been extremely helpful!

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #2, by Phoenix_Flames The Last Vestiges Of Peace

14th August 2014:
Hi there! I'm here with your review as requested!

I'm so glad you came by and requested this story. I really quite enjoyed it!

I think you're off to a great start here. You had a great opening scene. It was more unique than most Marauders stories begin with a prank or something else of that sort. I actually liked that they were finishing up their exams, and I really liked on top of that the Sirius was portrayed as knowing what he was doing! So often, and quite cliche-ly I might add, they don't know anything and it's always Remus, so I really enjoyed reading that change.

I think you're characterizing the Marauders pretty well. As I said above, none of them seem to be cliche. You have already established personality traits that differentiate them from each other that are realistic and believable. The dynamic between them is just perfect as well. The dialogue just flows so perfectly. It's care-free and happy, and just typical boys! So I think that's perfect. You really nailed it. I really don't think you have much to worry about with their characterization. It's all spot on and already very well established.

The humor is wonderful too! Like I said, their dynamic is perfect and it just flows, as does the humor!

You not only had some great dialogue, but I think you had a great balance between the dialogue and the actions and descriptions going on in the story, like Sirius thinking of his parents at the end of the first scene. James admiring Lily from afar. The girls and the squid. The playful duelling in the bedroom. It was all very great!

My only CC I that I think I have to offer is that I would recommend you try to establish the conflict of the story more quickly. While Sirius is thinking of his parents in the beginning, there isn't quite much else that goes with that topic, and seeming as the summary says that will be the main plot driver, I was hoping to see more of it in this first chapter. But then again, because this is the first chapter, it's understandable that some of that is absent! I only say this because with all the fun going on, while it was perfectly balanced, well written, and enjoyable, I still would have liked to have an established progression that it was all important and adding up to something, if that makes any sense at all. But that's really my only piece of advice, so in chapter 2, I would hope that the conflict starts to pick up and drive the plot of the story!

Really, really well done though! This is a very great story and you're off to a great start. I hope you found my review helpful in some way, and thank you so much for requesting! Feel free to come back any time!

Author's Response: Hey there :) Thank you so very much for the review!

Haha yes, always happy to avoid any of the tiresome Marauder-era cliches. Considering they became Animagi by the age of sixteen at most, I can't believe that Remus was the only smart one in the group :)

It can get quite hard to differentiate their characters, sometimes they all meld into one another - especially James and Sirius, so I'm hapy it came across all right.

Good to know the humour was all right, and the dialogue too - neither are my strong points, and I'm happy to know I'm on the right track. Still working on it!

Going through the chapter again after reading your review, I did realise I didn't breech the plot immediately, so I've thought about it, and am reworking the first chapter again. Hopefully I can get it right :)

Once again, thank you so much for the review - it was very helpful and encouraging, and really did help me to look through the chapter again with a critical eye. It also has me chomping at the bit to get the next chapters done, so I'll be back to ask for another review soon :D

Love,
SiverDarkHorse x.


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Review #3, by xxxtrueheroxxx My Side Of The Fence

13th August 2014:
Wow this story is really great so far. It is well-written and interesting and I think you've captured the characters' personalities perfectly. I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Wow! First review :) Thank you so much, I'm very glad you're enjoying the story! I'm glad you're happy with the chararcterisation :D There are a few unconventional storylines I'm developing for this,so I hope you enjoy the ride :)

Love,
SilverDarkHorse x


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