Reading Reviews for Esto Perpetua
  
20 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Hogwarts27 My Side Of The Fence

9th April 2015:
Hi, this chapter was terrific. I enjoyed it as much as the first. Your characters are believable and engaging. I especially liked the way you portrayed Sirius' father and Alphard. Sirius father came across as absolutely intimidating, and Alphard the complete opposite. Alphard mentoring Sirius reminded me a lot of adult Sirius mentoring Harry, so it was really easy to instantly identify the role Alphard played in Sirius' life, and root for these two. I was a little surprised that Sirius was so close to Reg, because I always got the feeling from the books that Sirius didn't get along with anyone in his household, but you've made it feel natural for the brothers to get along, and it seems to work perfectly well in this story. Wallburga feels cold and not the mothering type, yet not as overbearing with her children as her husband, which is a pretty dismal parent situation to have. The family pressure for conformity really comes through as well. You did a wonderful job creating the Black family characters and household - no easy task.

As in the first chapter, your writing is engaging, and allowed me to lose myself in the story as all good writing should. The details are rich with a nice touch of humor thrown in, and the dialogue was natural and fitting. The object in the secret package hints of an interesting plot to come amid a world of growing turmoil that we know from the books, which makes me eager to read more from the marauder POV. I've thoroughly enjoyed the first two chapters so far, and I'll say again that I'm so glad to find a story that's not romance centered. Fantastic writing so far. I look forward to reading more.

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Review #2, by SunshineDaisies The Last Vestiges Of Peace

17th March 2015:
Hello! So sorry it took me so long to get over here. My week ended up being a lot busier than I thought it would be.

Anyway, I'm so excited you requested this story! These are some of my favorite stories, and I'm interested to see where you go with it.

As for your areas of concern: I really like the feel of this chapter. I think you captured the end of the school year haziness very well, and what's more important, the bit of innocence that's still there. Things seem very normal for the boys, but you've hinted at much darker things to come. It very much has the feel of the calm before the storm, and I think that is a beautiful start to a story about the war.

I do wish you had included a bit more of what's to come. The adage says "start where the action starts," and this chapter seems to be just ahead of that. It does a great job of setting up the tone of the story, but I think a few hints about what's going to happen could do a lot to draw in readers.

As for the POVs, the first two sections are definitely distinct, the rest are much more ambiguous. There are definitely sections I had trouble determining who the section was meant to be following. I think a bit more of the characters thoughts and interpretations will help clear that up. After a closer look, I noticed that you do have this throughout the chapter, and the bit that's throwing me off is the very detailed actions of the other characters. For example,
"Remus looked up from his worn trunk, in which he was arranging the last of his clean socks. Hed just finished reading the well-thumbed copy of The Taming of the Shrew, and it lay next to the trunk on his bed, ready to be returned to Mary the next morning,"

reads to me like something from Remus's point of view, when actually it's in Sirius's. When writing in character specific third person, I like to keep the focus on that character, and include only the details they would notice. In this case, adding a bit about Sirius assuming the book would be returned to Mary, or something similar. I think this will help make the POVs a bit clearer.

I think the voice of the two POVs is definitely different enough to really distinguish the two characters. They very much come across as two different individuals rather than carbon copies with different thoughts, which can sometimes happen with narration like this.

(And as a note, the more I reviewed the more I realized the earlier confusion about POVs might have had more to do with me than with the writing. I apologize.)

Overall, I think this was very well done, and I am very excited to see what happens next!

Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Initially, the first chapter was written in response to a challenge on another site, thus the "everyday" sort of feel to it. I did include several hints of whats to come - the Knights of Walpurgis, Andromeda's letter to Sirius, Remus and his career advice - but nobody has really picked up on their significance yet. I've been told that I'm not being obvious enough with the hints, so it's something I've hopefully fixed in the next few chapters.

My limited third-person is rather broad-range, so I can easily see why a reader might get confused, especially when Sirius and Remus follow each other closely. I'll be sure to pay more attention to that hereafter.


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Review #3, by Hogwarts27 The Last Vestiges Of Peace

11th March 2015:
Hi, after leaving a review on that other story of yours, I came to check this out.

I absolutely loved this from start to finish. What a delight to find a story that is so well-written, and that portrays the characters and all the little details of their lives so well. This was truly excellent, very engaging, and perfectly paced. I love all the little details you slip into the writing, as the marauder's just go about an ordinary day. You even made the part about Sirius waiting for the exam time to end an engaging read. Your characterizations and dialogue are great. It's not often that I find a good marauder's story that isn't romance centered, so this is going on my reading list. Applause applause!

Author's Response: Thank you! Ah, it's always lovely to hear that someone enjoys the story! Haha, Sirius practically wrote himself in all those scenes - and he doesn't actually hate exams as much as being bored by them - it was a fun chapter to write.

It's nice to meet more people for whom romance isn't the be-all and end-all of fanfiction. There'll be a little bit of romance in the story, but mostly as the boys get older - the main focus of course will the boys, the wizarding world and the war.


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Review #4, by marauderfan My Side Of The Fence

5th March 2015:
Hello! I am finally here with the review you requested... many aeons ago. I'm so glad you requested - this was such a wonderful chapter and I really loved reading it!

Your characterisation is excellent. In your request you had asked about how Regulus comes across, and your writing of him fits perfectly into my own headcanon of him. I love to think that he and Sirius were close as children, and really did care about one another. The scene where they talk before dinner, and especially the scene when they play the prank at Narcissa's wedding, were just perfect. Your Regulus seems a lot like Sirius, but is afraid to stand out or cause any fuss, and therefore goes along with what his parents want, and it really fits. Also, the few little comparisons Sirius makes between Regulus and Remus did not go amiss, I thought that added a lovely aspect and showed how much Sirius really does care about his brother.

You also asked about whether Sirius seems too cowardly around his family, and I don't think he does. He's old enough by this point to know what he can get away with and what he can't, but still young enough to be afraid of what might happen if he missteps. Besides, it seems that at this point in his life he is still hoping for some affection from them and hasn't entirely given up on them yet. I loved that scene when he hugs his mother - that really tugs at the heartstrings, because I know how it all ends up but its just really sweet - he's primarily doing it to annoy her but he really does crave affection and wants a hug. Aw :(

I love your interpretation of Uncle Alphard, as well! I don't recall if I've ever read a fic that had him in it, but I like your version. He's a lot like Sirius in terms of humour and also a source for information that's not biased in the way that his parents are, and I can see why Sirius would look up to him. And is that the two way mirror I saw in there? Very clever incorporating that in ;)

Your characterisation is phenomenal, and your writing flows so smoothly. I'm really struggling to come up with some critique for you, tbh. Um... in one place you said Alphard lead Sirius along the pathway where it should say led. And... I think that's all. :p

Wonderful chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! So glad you enjoyed it.

I really loved writing the exchanges between Sirius and Regulus - it's my favourite part of the story. There's so much to explore with those two. Since we know Sirius was treated badly by his parents, it's quite possible that he grew very close to Regulus since he does require some form of love from home. Ah, you picked up on those comparisons, then? That makes me very happy. I love to throw in tiny details like that in to it, and you've been the only one who's picked it up so far.

I was a bit hesitant about writing Sirius so obedient, because he's usually portrayed as rebellious and entirely too full of anger and nothing else. It's not how I see him, and I went with my own perception of him, but I was wondering if other readers would find it odd. It's good to know he comes across all right. Poor Sirius doesn't get too many hugs from Walburga - but Mrs. Potter will make it up to him soon, don't worry!

Uncle Alphard is such an underused character - so much potential to play with that I couldn't resist. He has a rather important role to play here, and not just as Sirius' mentor either. Hint: what do you think he is up to in Asia? That's actually not the two-way mirror (that will come via another father-figure). No, this object is something very, very important.

Oops. Typos always seem to escape me however much I read through before posting. I'll fic it when I go back for edits.

So happy you enjoyed the chapter. I'll be back to rerequest, and thank you so very much for this amazing review! :D


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Review #5, by TidalDragon A Clash Of Perspectives

21st February 2015:
This next installment was an interesting one. I was a bit surprised by how stupid Rodolphus Lestrange came off - not that it isn't possible, the foolish are often the most easily subverted, but it did seem a touch excessive.

I did like the bit where Sirius shoved his blood in Bellatrix's face though. It was quite gruesome in reality, but the dialogue that accompanied it as well was excellent and it made a sensational point about how devoted she was even then that she could ignore such a literal demonstration of the disgusting ignorance of her indoctrinated beliefs.

Perhaps the highlight though was the farewell between brothers. I think it did an excellent job of highlighting the bond between them that was explored in the last chapter, but at the same time showing how different they truly are. That carried through nicely post-departure to the Knights of Walpurgis offer where Regulus accepts, even if he does have some conflict about it per the italics.

I've thoroughly enjoyed this story so far and I hope you've found my reviews helpful (even if they're tardy). Please feel free to re-request any time - I'll try to be more prompt then :p

Author's Response: This chapter was very long at 7k+ words...I do suppose Rodolphus came off as entirely too moronic. It wasn't a deliberate move on my part, but a bit of bad writing, I guess. Thank you for pointing it out. I'll certainly rectify it when he comes in again.

Haha yes, it was quite dramatic :P But he was very angry by then! And Bella, in spite of her magical skills, lacks any sort of logic or common sense, so Sirius should be able to get the better of her.

Once again, I really enjoyed writing the brothers. I think it's probably my favourite part of the story. Yes, Regulus is not entirely convinced that joing the Knights is a good idea, but he's willing to give it a go, which is quite adventurous of him, I think.

Your reviews have definitely helped me very much! They're very thoughtful and sensitive, and really open my eyes to a lot of points regarding every aspect of the story I hadn't considered before. I will definitely be back for more! Thank you so very much.

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #6, by TidalDragon My Side Of The Fence

21st February 2015:
Hello again! I'm sorry for the egregious delay, but I've been swamped at work at then there was the matter of being out of town last weekend and unable to access a computer for an extended period of time. In any event, I'm here now.

I thought this was an excellent continuation from the previous chapter you asked me to look at. All the positives things I had to say in that chapter hold true here as well - particularly the balance between dialogue and other forms of developing the plot and characters.

One thing that stood out in this section in particular though was your ability to inject humor into the dark time without it seeming to be too much. That and the development of the relationship between Regulus and Sirius and Sirius and Uncle Alphard were excellent.

As far as the characters in detail, I definitely didn't find Sirius to be spineless. I think I understand why you were concerned, because he is still quite compliant with observing the niceties publicly and even accedes to his father's requests, but he's not so old and he would know that (at least right now) he has few options. He takes his shots at being surly and non-compliant, but he understand his situation well enough to not go too far just yet. That's awareness rather than cowardice I think. There was a point toward the beginning that his dialogue felt a bit stilted, but other than that he was all good.

Regulus and Uncle Alphard were also developed very nicely. Neither were necessarily as I imagined them, but I actually ended up finding it refreshing that Regulus and Sirius didn't hate each other here and that Uncle Alphard was actually serious and helpful rather than some crazy exile who happened to like Sirius for no particular reason and gave him his house like happens so often in fics.

Well done - I'm on to the next chapter for the extra review I owe you!

Author's Response: Thank you for another wonderful review!

Glad to know the humour came across all right. Writing humour doesn't come naturally to me, so it took one or two tries to get it right without sounding too forced. And I did realise the importance of having some form of humour in this chapter because it's the first time the darker tones of the story are being introduced. I went by gut instinct on the relationship between Sirius and Reg and ALphard and Reg, both were a joy to write.

Oh, it's a relief to know that Sirius isn't too spineless. We know he was a very intelligent and powerful wizard in his formative years, and like you said, he'd certainly know the difference between what he can and can't get away with. But there seems to be a generally accepted idea that Sirius was angry and acted out all of the time, and I did wonder whether this version of Sirius would seem odd to people who are used to the other idea.

I do believe Regulus and Sirius had a good relationship while Sirius was at home at least - there's so much to explore in their relationship. Uncle Alphard actually has a fairly important role to play in this story, which can be seen some chapters into the future. He's a very underused character, and it was nice to play around with possibilites for him.

Thank you again for you rreview!

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #7, by Voldy Needs a Hug The Last Vestiges Of Peace

17th February 2015:
Hello! Voldy Needs a Hug here from the forums with your requested review.

You incorporated excellent descriptions and I loved your inclusion of details. However, at times, the narrative got a bit description heavy and could have been broken up with additional dialogue interspersed throughout.

While the Marauders are fairly commonly known by fan fiction readers, you did an excellent job of individually developing each of their characters, particularly through the narrator's comments and observations. For some of the minor characters, particularly the OC's, such as McKinnon, I would've liked to learn a bit more about them. I realize that this is the first chapter and it might have been challenging to include her characterization, but I felt as if I didn't know her and, consequently, was unable to connect with her. (and this could very well be intentional, so I apologize if it is).

The plot was intriguing and kept me on my toes, anxious to see what would happen next. The events flowed smoothly, and your transitions from one to the next were flawless.

You referenced on the forums that you had hidden a few hints throughout this chapter, but I wasn't able to pick up on them.

Overall, there were a few minor spelling/grammar mistakes here and there. This was also fairly long, especially for a first chapter, but that's a matter of reader preference!

I love the Marauders' Era, and, consequently, have read quite a few fan fictions about it, but yours stuck out to me as creative and original. I certainly have high hopes for it, and I plan to continue reading!

Fantastic job! 10/10

Author's Response: Aw thank you so much for the amazing review!

Yes, sometimes I completely fail at dialogue...I love description too much. But hopefully I have rectified that problem in the future chapters.

Marlene is seen here from Sirius' POV, and he doesn't know much about her yet, so neither do we. She's not a major part of the plot yet, but she will come up eventually.

On my first draft I was told the transition were a little choppy, so I'm glad they now work well.

Ah yes. Namely the Knights of Walpurgis, Alex Romanoff and Andromeda's letter. More than mere day-to-day events, though most people seem to think they are. I will work on making forthcoming hints stronger and easier for people to pick up.

Thanks again for your wonderful reivew. I'll be back to rerequest, if you don't mind :)

SilverDarkHorse x.



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Review #8, by HDLM Hopes And Hints

7th February 2015:
All I can say is damn lol. Keep up the great work

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review - another lovely surprise:D Chapter 6 and 7 are being simultaneuosly written up at the moment.

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Review #9, by missatron The Last Vestiges Of Peace

22nd January 2015:
Hello SilverDarkHorse! I don't believe that we have met before. I'm called Missy. I'm here for our review swap. Sorry for the delay, by the way, I was extremely busy (out).


One of your biggest strengths in this chapter (in my opinion) is the balance of dialogue, detail, and the narrator's opinion or thoughts. That's always a good thing. I liked how after each piece of speech, you gave a description of some sort - whether it be describing the speech itself or something other than that. It worked very well with the chapter. Well done.

I always enjoy a good Marauders story, so I have high hopes for this one. I like how it is based on the actual for Marauders, rather than a romance between either Remus or Sirius and an OC. You see a lot of that on FF, so it's good to read a change once in a while.

At the moment, this story is fairly light hearted, but I feel as if there is some sort of hidden hint telling us that there will be a darker plot emerging soon. I hope that it makes its way into the story soon. Of course, I'm just assuming all of this - it might not even be right! I liked how you gave us all the information throughout so we were clear on what was happening. Often when I read FFs, the backgrounds of the story haven't been fully explained, so that was good.

Overall, I think that my favourite thing about this chapter was the descriptions. You descriptions were amazing. They flowed brilliantly throughout the whole chapter, well done! I really enjoyed reading this story, so thank you very much for the swap!

Hope to see some more of this soon,

Missy ♥

Author's Response: Thank you for such a great review :)

Good to know the chapter reads well and is balanced - I often tend to add more description than is necessary, so I'm glad to have struck a harmonious balance here.

Romance is a minor subplot as of now - and yes, I too am not very fond of Remus or Sirius and OC pairings unless they're written by (usually) adults, not for wish-fulfilment.

You're quite right about the darkness lurking beneatht ehsurface - we are heading into a war after all! Though it won't be all war and darkness - there'll be much happiness too.

Once again, thank you for your review, and I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #10, by TidalDragon The Last Vestiges Of Peace

6th December 2014:
Howdy! Sorry for the delay - life's been mayhem recently!

At any rate, the first thing that struck me about your story was the excellent balance that you had between dialogue, description, and inner thought. While there's certainly no sure-fire recipe for success in that department, I thought the way you managed the three created a more immersive reading experience than is common in FF.

This ended up meshing very well with the believable portrayals of the characters throughout. While some of the characterization fell into the "tried-and-true" Marauders components (I think they're tried-and-true for a reason and from writing in the era, hard to entirely avoid), other parts presented your own unique twist - for example the more active Remus. He takes a back seat often when the showdowns happen in a lot of fics, but you allowed the passion for what's right he has in canon to shine through along with his more bookish nature.

As far as specifics on dialogue - the content certainly seemed just fine. The best thing though is that you seemed to make it differentiable between the Marauders. Too often fics make James and Sirius rather interchangeable and don't give a distinctive voice to either Remus or Peter. Your dialogue tags and accompanying descriptions in particular stood out to give unique life to each character in the exchanges and lent more authenticity to their banter than I usually see.

As far as things to work on going forward, none really jump out. This chapter, being the first, was largely build-up of several different things. Despite its overall length though, this meant it was broken up into a decent number of snippets, some of which were quite small. Going forward, I might look at ensuring the snippets are a bit larger so that you can make them as individually immersive as they are collectively by amplifying them with stronger, more evocative language where appropriate (like increasing the palpability of tension in the confrontation with the Slytherins and the reactions of the first-years to what happened).

On a more minor note, the use of "mudblood" re: Remus seems out of place, because while his mother was a Muggle, his father was most definitely not one - having worked extensively for the Ministry (more on Pottermore).

All in all though, I definitely enjoyed it. I hope you found the review helpful! Feel free to PM me with any questions!

Author's Response: Thank you for your review! Sorry about the late response - internship is a real menace :/

I'm glad to know that the dialogue, internal thought and characterisation work all right. It certainly is difficult at times to differentiate James from Sirius, and I'm happy to know I've succeeded here. I'll try to keep it up as the story goes on. I've also managed to write up Peter's POV for an upcoming chapter, so I hope he'll have a distinct voice as well.

I've gone back and counted the words in the small snippets, and some of them are in the 600-1000 range, which does seem rather short. I've lenghtened them in chpaters 4 and 5, which I've written out now, and I did my best to use evocative language as well, so I hope they'll be an improvement.

Initially, I'd meant Avery and Mulciber's use of "mudblood" to convey that they didn't care that Remus was a Halfblood, and classed him with the Muggleborns, but I guess it didn't come across too well. Oops. I'll amend that when I do edits. Thanks for pointing it out.

I certainly did find your review very helpful, and I appreciate it very much! Thank you so very, very much.

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #11, by moonbaby11 My Side Of The Fence

29th November 2014:
And here I am with your second review! I'm really enjoying this story and where you are taking it. This chapter was so much darker than the first one, and I really enjoyed it. It showed how sheltered the Hogwarts students are and the completely different atmospheres between the school and the "real world".

I'm really enjoying the character of Regulus and I love the relationship he has with Sirius. They seem to be similar in many senses, but you can see that Reg is much more about pleasing people and doing what his parents expect, which ties in to who he will become. I also really enjoyed the character of Uncle Alphard. He was fun and added a sense of lightheartedness to this otherwise very serious chapter.

One thing I do have to say is, aren't there rules against underage students using magic outside of Hogwarts? Neither Reg nor Sirius are 17, right? So I don't think they would be allowed to pull a prank like that without getting into some trouble with the Ministry. Just thought I should point that out...

I'm not sure what else to say, other than the fact that this story is very interesting and you've definitely drawn me into it with these two chapters. You are a good writer and everything seems very believable. You have an interesting premise and the characters are memorable and enjoyable to read about. I hope you get some more readers, because I feel like this story definitely deserves it! Keep it up! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad it is living up to your expectations so far. Yes indeed, sometimes in canon the students were so far removed from the outside world that it was positively frightening. And of course it didn't help that their only source of information came from government propaganda like The Daily Prophet.

Reg is one of my favourite characters, and I really wanted an opportunity to explore him. I'd like to think that in spite of - or maybe because of - being brought up with his family's traditions and expectations on his shoulders, he had a close bond with Sirius. Haha yes, Alphard is a fun character :D

The rule says that underage students shouldn't perform magic outside Hogwarts, but there is no way to say if the magic in question was performed by the student or an adult in the vicinity. As the party took place in a heavily warded Pureblood garden, and they were surrounded by adults, it is unlikely that the Trace was activated.

Thanks again for the very kind review. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #12, by HDLM A Clash Of Perspectives

29th November 2014:
I don't like the story so far. I love it lol. I can't wait till the next chapter. Keep up the great work!!!

Author's Response: Haha you had my heart thudding for a second :P Chapter 4 is in the queue! Thank you for the review!

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #13, by moonbaby11 The Last Vestiges Of Peace

28th November 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your review!

I really enjoyed this. It's been a while since I've read any Marauders, and this story is reminding me why I love the genre so much. I think it's rare to find a story that focuses on the four boys more than it does a romance between Sirius or Remus and an OC. I like the fact that most of the characters present in the story are canon. I don't have anything against OCs, but it is refreshing to see a story that utilizes all of the minor characters in the HP novels instead of unnecessarily creating new ones.

Overall I really enjoyed the feel of this. It was lighthearted, but I think the reader also gets the feeling that something darker is under the surface and will probably make itself known soon. I liked all of the information about Sirius' family and how he finds refuge in the Potters because he never received the same kind of love and care from his own parents. It was interesting to see the parallels and I think you are smart for writing about it in that way.

I want to briefly talk about your characterization of Peter because I think he is fantastic. You seem to capture the fact that he is a bit of an outsider very well, but you don't have him acting like a complete idiot or secretly hated by the other three boys. They all seem to sincerely care for him, even if he isn't as close as the rest of them are, and I think that is refreshing. Too many people play Peter off as a joke and someone that the Marauders never even liked, when I think it is clear that they were honestly friends. I also really like the way you've written Lily - she's not yelling at James every chance she gets or complaining about how terrible he is all the time, which is something that is common in most Marauders stories, and I think the way you are portraying her is very realistic.

Overall, I think you have the makings for a good story here. It is only the first chapter, but I am interested to see where you take the plot and the characters. I think you have a good grasp on all of the characterizations and I can't wait to see more of minor characters, as well was get to really see how you write Regulus! Really good job.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Sorry for the late reply - I was terribly sad to see the little button return to zero at the top of the page, and kept procrastinating till another review came along.

I am a little prejudiced against romances focusing on Sirius and Remus and OCs unless they are done very well...and I did want to delve into the social and political climates of the wizarding world, and explore a bit of magic and not concentrate only on romance.

I'm happy to know I got across the points regarding Sirius' home life well enough. I did a couple of rewrites of that scene before I was satisfied with it.

And yes, things get much darker very soon!

Ah yes, Peter. It irks me too, when he is left out by writers, because he was an important part of the group. And you do have to be very clever to fool your closest friends of the length of time that Peter did. There'll be more of him in chapter 5. I love Lily. She's one of my favourite characters, and I didn't see how the canonical description of her as "smart, kind and funny" would coincide with the howling, screaming banshee we see often in fanfics :/

Regulus makes a brief appearance in chapter 3, and then again a major appearance in chapter 7 (I'm writing that at the moment, anf it's giving me a lot of grief!)

Thank you so much again for the lovely review. It's been immensely helpful with regard to writing out the next few chapters, and I hope you won't mind me coming back to rerequest :D


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Review #14, by marauderfan The Last Vestiges Of Peace

26th November 2014:
Hello! Here with your requested review. :)

I really like this so far! What I find most refreshing about it is that it's from the point of view of Sirius, rather than as most Marauder-era novels in the POV of a female OC. It's a really wonderful perspective and I appreciate this view into his mind during one of the most difficult times of his life up to that point. And it's not primarily a romance. I like that aspect too.

*drooling over your descriptions* This is where I think your story really shines. I LOVE description, the more details the better, and you excel at this. I could visualise the scenes so clearly, and it felt like picking up where the Pensieve chapter in OotP left off. The exams, sitting out by the lake watching Lily, all of it.

And I love your characterisation too. Thank you for actually giving Peter a personality, as he was an important part of the Marauders at this time, whatever he turned out to be later. So I like that you gave him some attention. You've done really well distinguishing between all four of them and written them exactly as I would have imagined them at that age! Ha, Remus dropping a Shakespeare-insult on Snape - priceless. :D The end part was especially sweet, when Sirius is so craving that attention from James' parents, while James is embarrassed at the affection - it's really telling of what each boy's home life is like. Aw, poor Sirius :(

Favourite moment: The letter from Andromeda which said little Dora had taken a shine to Remus and drew him a picture of the owl. ADORABLE hahaha :p

The only thing I think was a bit clunky about the chapter overall was that there were a lot of things introduced at once - the end of exams, interaction with Mulciber, with Snape, classes for next year, mock duel, the end of the year and ride back to London were all in the first chapter and it seemed like a lot of information to start off with, making it come across like a first and second chapter combined. That said, I still loved it, so it's really not that big a deal, but the overall impression I got was that it was a bit scattered, showing all the bits and bobs of daily life, and then the main plot point comes up in the end. So... I guess you could split it up - or you could leave it as is, if you want to introduce all these things - I just thought I'd give you that general impression I got, to do with as you will ;)

So anyway, I like the story a lot so far, and I definitely think it's interesting enough! Your writing style is excellent. I am really looking forward to reading more so definitely feel free to re-request if I don't come back on my own! :p Great work!

Author's Response: What a long review! Thank you so much :D

I'm happy you like it! I too am tired of the perpetual female OC POV. This story will have mostly Sirius' and the other Marauders' POV, and also Regulus', as time passes.

Descriptions are my favourite part as well; I try my hardest not to get too carried away! I love describing the Hogwarts grounds in particular because it's so beautiful.

I'm glad the characterisation is all right. I love the Marauders, but it can be tough sometimes to prevent Sirius, James and Remus from sort of melding into one another. Peter is certainly an important character, and he has his own storyline later on as well. Haha, I had a lot of fun deciding which insults Remus should use :P Poor Sirius, but he'll get his own chance at a happy family soon.

Ah Dora and the owl was a last minute brainwave. Happy you liked it!

Reading back, I can understand that it appears cluttered.. Thank you for pointing that out, I will go back and edit it for smoother transition at some point. Actually, there are a few clues in the bits and bobs of daily life in the chapter, but they may have been a bit too subtle to be picked up :/ If that's the case, I'll go and edit for clarity as well. I'll try to make it less scattered from now on.

I'll definitely be back for a re-request, and thank you so very much for the extremely kind and detailed review!

SilverDarkHorse x.




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Review #15, by Zibbling My Side Of The Fence

13th November 2014:
Amazing. Please please please continue.
(It's my first time reading marauder era)

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Haha I'm glad you checked it out. The next chapter is in the queue and I have several more planned out :)

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #16, by Veritaserum27 My Side Of The Fence

22nd October 2014:
Hello! I'm here for chapter 2!

Another fantastic chapter. I really like the relationship between Sirius and Regulus. I was a bit worried at the end of the last chapter that the two had already come to an impasse. I'm also loving the fact that you didn't make Regulus a die-hard Black/Slytherin through and through. He is obviously proud to be a Slytherin and sympathizes with his family, but he is deeper than that, because he feels a bond to his only brother. I think this brotherly relationship, combined with the fact that Sirius feels a small amount of duty to protect his younger brother, will make it difficult for him to decide to leave The Most Noble House of Black.

Uncle Alphard. Love him. Love the character. This is brilliant. Too many stories just assume that James, Lily, Sirius and the like joined The Order Willy-nilly, fought on their own and were courageous and brave as young fighters. But that's just not realistic. Sirius is what, 16 at this point? It's not likely that he just ups and leaves of his own accord - I love that Alphard is his mentor. Heck, even Harry had some help along the way!

Ooo - what is going to happen to Sirius - I'm sure that since it's Bella, it can't be anything good :(

Great Chapter - no typos!

♥ Beth

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! Yes, Reg is proud to be a Slytherin, but he does love his brother too - growing up in the dreary environment of Grimmauld, I imagine that the brothers had only each other for comfort.

Uncle Alphard is such an under-utilised character, I thought I could give him a bigger role in the plot. I know, although the Marauders were very brave, we often forget that they were little more than children when they started fighting :/

Nah, it is not anything good at all. Bella is EVIL :P

Thanks so much for the review!

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #17, by Veritaserum27 The Last Vestiges Of Peace

22nd October 2014:
Hey!

Here for our review swap.

Ok. So I'm sitting here thinking about what to type and that nearly NEVER happens to me. But. Wow. I mean really. Seriously. Siriusly.

Where have you been? You should write more. A lot more. More of everything. I can't even begin to express how well done this was.

Should I start with the summary. It was awesome. It told enough about the story to let me know what I was getting into and then had enough intrigue to make me want to click on and read about it.


You had everything perfect. You got all the characters just right. Every. Single. One. I loved the little tidbits with Peter - making him a bit Neville-like, but with his own spin.

Remus and Shakespeare (or should I say Shakeseer - awesome, by the way). That was brilliant. My new headcanon. Remus has a crush on a girl and shares a love of Shakespeare. I'm in!

Haha - I can just imagine the house after the marauders were left alone for the day. Oh, poor Charlus and Dorea.

And I can't go without commenting on those two. They perfectly fit my image of them. They absolutely adore their son, who takes it for granted because he has been the apple of their eye from the get-go. And Sirius just pines for that kind of love and affection. What a great job you did of having him drink up every bit of attention they were offering, but have James be completely oblivious to it. He wouldn't think twice, because he has grown up 100% loved. The way you hinted at Sirius's dread at the prospect of summer holidays was heart wrenching. His brother and house elf were an afterthought to the real family closeness he felt with the Potters.

Great, great job. This story deserves more reviews!

♥ Beth

Author's Response: Oh what a lovely review! Apologies for the late response, I got caught up with NaNo :/

Aw haha I shall endeavour to write more! Now I've got summer holidays so I have a little more time :)

I'm glad to know the summary is enticing - I was rather worried about it!

Peter is interesting to write, again, another under-utilised character. Ah yes, snarky Remus is great fun! I foresee a lot of Shakespearesque dates for Remus in the future :D

It was a little challenging - not to mention emotional - to write Sirius' interactions with the Potters. I'm happy to know it came across well.

Thank you so much for the very kind review. It's motivated me to write a little faster!

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #18, by mymischiefmanaged The Last Vestiges Of Peace

18th August 2014:
Hello! Here with your requested review. Sorry for leaving it a bit late, I've not been very up to date on this site recently.

Okay, I enjoyed reading this. You keep the marauders well in character and get the dynamics of their group perfectly. Sirius and James's casual arrogance, Remus's sensible side contrasting with his appreciation of his friends, and Peter's awkward clinging to the edge of the group. It's very believable that your characters would grow up to be the people we know from the books so well done for that.

You had some lovely touches here. I loved Sirius and Remus duelling to pass the time, and Peter's not being able to join in. It seems like exactly the kind of thing they'd do, and isn't something I've seen before. What we know of the girls so far seems like they'll be good characters. I love Sirius/Marlene and you've got Lily spot on. I kind of hope you don't put Remus with Mary as well. It's never that convincing when two friendship groups conveniently all pair up.

Snape and Mulciber are appropriately awful, although I wonder whether Mulciber would really be going along with Snape's caring for Lily? I would have thought he wouldn't have much patience for that friendship, so maybe Snape shouldn't be talking about Lily in front of him? Just a thought.

Your descriptive passages are really strong, keeping everyone in character and giving us an indication of setting etc. I think some of the dialogue could be used more effectively. We learn more about the boys through your descriptions than through their speech, so that's potentially something to work on in future chapters.

I'd also steer clear of having such short scenes. You've moved setting quite a lot in a small space of time which breaks up the flow a bit. It's not a big problem but it could easily be avoided.

Other than that I really enjoyed this. It looks like it'll end up being a really good story and you've written it well so well done!

Emma x

Author's Response: Thank you for your very kind review! Sorry I'm a bit late with the response :O

I'm happy to know the characterisation worked for you. It's always a bit difficult for me to get Peter right in particular, especially the fine line between awkwardness and downright stupidity.

Haha Blackinnon isn't very popular, so good to know it works. Mary isn't exactly in the same friendship group as Lily and Marlene, though she does hang out with them on occasion, but more of that in the coming chapters. I've got a plot arc for Remus and Mary, but it won't be everything in the garden's lovely by any means :P

Thank you for pointing out about Mulciber's reaction to Snape's crush. I admit I didn't put enough thought into that, I'll be working on it in future chapters.

Oh yes, I'm still working on improving dialogue. The second chapter is up now, though, and hopefully the dialogue is better there. I'm working on improving the scenes too, so I hope the ones in the second chapter are better.

I'm actually revamping the first chapter again, introducing the plot and more dialogue, so I'll keep your advice in mind when writing :)

Once, again, thank you so very much for the review. It's been extremely helpful!

SilverDarkHorse x.


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Review #19, by Phoenix_Flames The Last Vestiges Of Peace

14th August 2014:
Hi there! I'm here with your review as requested!

I'm so glad you came by and requested this story. I really quite enjoyed it!

I think you're off to a great start here. You had a great opening scene. It was more unique than most Marauders stories begin with a prank or something else of that sort. I actually liked that they were finishing up their exams, and I really liked on top of that the Sirius was portrayed as knowing what he was doing! So often, and quite cliche-ly I might add, they don't know anything and it's always Remus, so I really enjoyed reading that change.

I think you're characterizing the Marauders pretty well. As I said above, none of them seem to be cliche. You have already established personality traits that differentiate them from each other that are realistic and believable. The dynamic between them is just perfect as well. The dialogue just flows so perfectly. It's care-free and happy, and just typical boys! So I think that's perfect. You really nailed it. I really don't think you have much to worry about with their characterization. It's all spot on and already very well established.

The humor is wonderful too! Like I said, their dynamic is perfect and it just flows, as does the humor!

You not only had some great dialogue, but I think you had a great balance between the dialogue and the actions and descriptions going on in the story, like Sirius thinking of his parents at the end of the first scene. James admiring Lily from afar. The girls and the squid. The playful duelling in the bedroom. It was all very great!

My only CC I that I think I have to offer is that I would recommend you try to establish the conflict of the story more quickly. While Sirius is thinking of his parents in the beginning, there isn't quite much else that goes with that topic, and seeming as the summary says that will be the main plot driver, I was hoping to see more of it in this first chapter. But then again, because this is the first chapter, it's understandable that some of that is absent! I only say this because with all the fun going on, while it was perfectly balanced, well written, and enjoyable, I still would have liked to have an established progression that it was all important and adding up to something, if that makes any sense at all. But that's really my only piece of advice, so in chapter 2, I would hope that the conflict starts to pick up and drive the plot of the story!

Really, really well done though! This is a very great story and you're off to a great start. I hope you found my review helpful in some way, and thank you so much for requesting! Feel free to come back any time!

Author's Response: Hey there :) Thank you so very much for the review!

Haha yes, always happy to avoid any of the tiresome Marauder-era cliches. Considering they became Animagi by the age of sixteen at most, I can't believe that Remus was the only smart one in the group :)

It can get quite hard to differentiate their characters, sometimes they all meld into one another - especially James and Sirius, so I'm hapy it came across all right.

Good to know the humour was all right, and the dialogue too - neither are my strong points, and I'm happy to know I'm on the right track. Still working on it!

Going through the chapter again after reading your review, I did realise I didn't breech the plot immediately, so I've thought about it, and am reworking the first chapter again. Hopefully I can get it right :)

Once again, thank you so much for the review - it was very helpful and encouraging, and really did help me to look through the chapter again with a critical eye. It also has me chomping at the bit to get the next chapters done, so I'll be back to ask for another review soon :D

Love,
SiverDarkHorse x.


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Review #20, by xxxtrueheroxxx My Side Of The Fence

13th August 2014:
Wow this story is really great so far. It is well-written and interesting and I think you've captured the characters' personalities perfectly. I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Wow! First review :) Thank you so much, I'm very glad you're enjoying the story! I'm glad you're happy with the chararcterisation :D There are a few unconventional storylines I'm developing for this,so I hope you enjoy the ride :)

Love,
SilverDarkHorse x


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