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Review #1, by jillybeans Owls, Diagon Alley, And A Very Hurt Girl

16th June 2014:
It's a good start!

(you asked for this gross long review so enjoy it)
the first thing i would say is to watch your mechanics (like punctuation, formatting, etc) always, and
my second piece of advice would be to add more description! it seems like Rose it just rushing from place to place, like breakfast-gringotts-wand-wand-wand-done. it's kind of like she's trying to get the whole day out in one breath. So, give your girl some time to breathe! describe diagon alley- how she feels now that it's finally her chance to go to hogwarts.
What role do her sisters play in her prep process? is there some sort of inferiority complex going on? that would be interesting-- to see how she's going to show that she's different from her older sisters.
also- why is she so hurt that her wand is a dud? go more into that. (hint- this could play into an inferiority complex)
one last thing- at the very beginning, watch your rambling. although this is a first person narrative and your narrator is eleven, tangents and rambles all over the place really detract from the meat of the plot, and may even (gasp) reflect negatively on your expertise as a writer.

i really hope this review was helpful and as constructively critical as possible. keep writing!


Author's Response: Jilly-
Thank you do much for the review! To match your'grossly long review' I've got one for you. Yeah, I see what you mean with my conventions, now I'm rereading my stories before I put it in the queue. Writing humorous is out of my comfort zone, so I'm trying to make it humorous, so some aspects might not coincide with the rest of the story. The next chapters should have more description, I always find it hard to write the first paragraph, or chapter in this case, for anything. You need to set the scene, grab the readers attention, everything. For now Rose likes her sisters, mostly. Yes, the wand will play a key part. Remember, Ollivander mumbled something incomprehensible. Okay, I'll stop the rambling, the chapters go into detailed memory, so there will be less interruptions from current Rose, the narration kind of switches around, though it'll stay in first person. Does that make sense? I'm sorry if I'm not explaining it well, second chapter's already in queue, so should come out soon. I hope. Please keep reading, your review really meant a lot to me.

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