13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane Knarls and Quidditch

15th September 2014:
LOVE your portrayal of Natalie Zane. I've gotten a feel for her character already in just a couple of lines.

And aw, I like your portrayal of Lily too. She's so enthusiastic.

*laughs* Hagrid is always a good person to go to if you want some information. He tends to let stuff slip.

And that part where he says he can't use Voldemort's name because of "force of habit" made me laugh. I think you've kept him really in character here and he is a hard character to write, in my opinion, so I'm impressed.

I'm also getting intrigued by the whole Dementor attacks part.

Author's Response: I (Georgina) really liked the name Natalia and wanted to use it in the story, so Freda said she could be a minor character. We mention her a few more times in the novella.

We envisioned Lily as the kind of person who would always has a child-like wonderment. We're glad you like her.

Poor guy. He means well.

I cannot take much credit for Hagrid; Freda usually wrote the sections with him in it, and I'm happy to hear you agree she did a brilliant job of it.

Yay! Intrigued readers are faithful readers.

It's great to hear more feedback from you.
--Georgina


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Review #2, by MargaretLane The First Day of Classes

6th September 2014:
*laughs* Yeah, I wouldn't have expected Rose and Albus to sign up for Divination, especially when the norm seems to be to take two classes out of five. That's hardly be one of their first two choices. Not with Trelawney teaching it anyway.

Well, that was silly, doing that Transformation in Transfiguration. Who teaches Transfiguration in this anyway? I suppose I should check back to see.

I like the part where Rose beams with pride to hear Hugo has earned his house points.

It's interesting to see how different people portray various characters. Lucy seems quite different in this than in my story. *laughs* And Fred is much older.

Author's Response: We have Rose taking three total, and Kenway is the only one of the three taking Divination.

Our Transfiguration teacher is Professor Brocklehurste, the Head of Ravenclaw and Deputy Headmistress.

That was all Freda's idea.

I love love love Lucy's witty character. We wanted Fred to be a prankster like James, so we put them in the same year.

Love your reviews!
--Georgina


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Review #3, by Katie Justice Where Justice is Due

7th August 2014:
This story is amazing.

Author's Response: Thanks! :)
We're glad you enjoyed it enough to read the whole thing.
--Freda


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Review #4, by AlexFan The First Day of Classes

12th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review

You know I always wondered why Harry's watch worked at Hogwarts when the amount of magic surrounding the place was supposed to make it go haywire. But I guess they made some kind of exceptions for watches since they'd need their students to keep time somehow in order to get to classes faster.

Shouldn't Kenway, Albus, and Rose all be taking Divination? isn't it mandatory for all third years to take Divination or something? I might be remembering that wrong though, it might not be mandatory because Hermione did drop the class.

Molly and Lucy, one is their fathers daughter and the other one isn't. I love how Lucy didn't make a big deal about the fact that she could figure out the passwords. It's just kind of like, "I'm a Ravenclaw, if I can figure out how to get into my common room then I'm pretty sure that I can get into yours."

Awesome fourth chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review!

Actually, Divination was one of the electives (like Muggle Studies, Care of Magical Creatures, Arithmancy, and Ancient Runes) that students could choose between to add in their third year. It was just popular when Harry's year took it, I guess.

Heehee that's one of our favorite sequences. :)
Thanks again!
--Freda


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Review #5, by AlexFan The Sorting

12th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review

Hola! I'm back again (I promise with less CC and a shorter review). While I was reading the HP books I always got confused as to how people would know which table to go to if said house didn't clap and cheer and having their own house colours hanging over them would've been a really simple way to identify them.

I loved your Sorting Hat song, I loved how it rhymed and how it summed up all four houses really well in such a short song. I was singing the entire thing in my head and bopping along to an imaginary tune.

Good luck to whoever is trying to break into Hogwarts, the place is a fortress, it would be very difficult to inflitrate the castle (unless the villain pulled a Draco Malfoy and came out of the Room of Requirement).

If I was in Lily's shoes and Harry Potter was telling me to hide a necklace so that it couldn't be found and to not fiddle with it because of powerful magic, I'd probably be asking what was so social about the necklace that someone was trying to break into a school to get it.

I loved the writing in this chapter the best so far because it flowed a lot better than the previous two. The descriptions were a lot better and allowed me to picture the scene a lot more clearly than the other two and things didn't feel as rushed as in the previous chapters so good job on that!
-Grace

Author's Response: Hello again then! Don't worry about the long CC, it was still very helpful!

I thought I read once that there were banners over the tables. I could be mistaken, though.

Thank you! I have a tune in my head too, if you can't sing it, it's not a good song! ;) I'm really proud of how it turned out; I put a lot of effort into it, including dissecting the canon songs' rhyme, meter, stressed/unstressed beat patter (I forget what its called offhand), and types of attributes too. I'm glad you liked it!! :)

I guess Lily gets the impression that Harry wouldn't tell her anyways, because I don't think he would, at least right away.

Thanks so much!! :D Yeah, the first two chapters are probably a tad rocky compared to the rest. I'm glad you liked it enough to continue! :)

--Freda


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Review #6, by AlexFan Candies on the Train

12th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review

Sorry for taking so long to come back for the second chapter but I was out all day. Anyway! I loved the bit with Kenway Boot and the camping trip. It put a smile on my face to read about Harry declining the invitation because he'd gone camping for so long. I thought it was a nice little nod to the books.

I don't think you had to explain what a Metamorphmagus is because anyone reading this had most likely read the entire series (or at least up to Order of the Phoenix) and would know what a person with that ability was so I didn't think that was necessary but this is your story so feel free to ignore me. Also, when you told the reader that Teddy was a metamorphmagus, it felt a little choppy to me so maybe you could work that in with something like, "Teddy had chosen to keep his hair blonde today instead of his usual eye-catching blue," or something like that. If you showed the reader that he was a metamorphmagus you wouldn't need to tell them that Teddy had that ability.

If it's been mentioned in the books then your reader already knows that, for example, George owns Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Stuff that's been talked about in the books doesn't really need to be mentioned unless it's something really obscure that not everyone remembers. Things that weren't mentioned, like who Fred was named after (even though it can be inferred) are great because then you add in a little piece of canon information that maybe not everyone was aware of.

I loved that you included all of the Weasley and Potter children in some way because a lot of fanfiction tends to focus on only the Potters and usually Rose and Hugo and very little on the rest of the family. I loved all of the information that you gave about each family member and some of Kenway's siblings but it almost felt like it was too much.

It's great that we get to know the characters but the reader doesn't need to know everything about each and every character right from the start because it's a lot of information to digest and they might forget a lot of it. And besides, you could've worked in all of the information about the characters by having them talk about classes or Head Girl duties or like Rose did, mention the Hogwarts permission slip. If you spread out all of the information throughout the chapters of the stories, it would build up the characters in the readers head and they would remember all of the characteristics and other things.

The vendetta that the Gryffindors seemed to have with the Slytherins seemed a bit out of place as well. I understand that it would take a while for the dislike between the two houses to go away but it's been like fifteen years since Harry attended school, wouldn't everyone have got over the prejudices? And considering the praise that Harry was giving about Slytherin along with Ginny, you'd think Albus would know better than to hold a grudge against someone or a group of people that have never even done anything to him. And I'm assuming that Slytherin house never targeted Albus because he was telling Lily that they were nice, individuals like Dunstan yeah but not the entire house. Again, that's just what I think so feel free to ignore this.

I know that's a lot of CC but despite what I mentioned, I did enjoy reading this chapter and I thought it was really great at getting the reader excited about Hogwarts and what would happen with the next generation. I look forward to seeing what role each character plays as the plot moves along.

This review was not meant to be this long holy cow.
-Grace

Author's Response: Thanks for the critique!

Some background may help: when we wrote this chapter, we had very little idea who our audience would be, since we had yet to even find HPFF. This chapter used to be worse as far as over-introducing and over-explaining; it's improved a little but I agree it still could do with a little less mass-introduction. After we get the rest of this story and its side-stories out the door, I really hope to go back and fix this chapter. However the summer's almost over! (Eep!)

I/we had assumed that there is still a little bit of tension between them (mostly with quidditch since they're the two most competitive), but not as much as it used to be. (Such as duels just because of their house.)

Now Kenway; Kenway has an unreasonable grudge against them. It's introduced in Beginnings, AP&tSM's prequel. His reasoning is because his mum and others lost so much family to Death Eaters, which were almost guaranteed to be all Slytherins.

Thanks again for the critique! It's very helpful to us. :)
--Freda


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Review #7, by AlexFan Parchment, Quills, and Symbols

11th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review

I said that I would be coming by to drop some reviews and here I am! I thought this story could use a little love. So I liked how you started the story right before the kids went off to Hogwarts because it was different and it helped set up the danger part of it really well.

I really love how you jumped right in with the plot to catch the readers attention and then went from there. The kids were really cute and exactly how I pictured them as youngsters, especially Lily, she was so cute and childish.

Doesn't the Sorting Hat talk to everyone though? Because when Harry was getting sorted it was kind of like it like it was talking to itself as it tried to make a decision. Unless of course you mean like an actual conversation in which case I get what you mean, that's probably not as common.

You'd think having grown up around the Wealsey's Harry and Ginny would've known to check for Extendable Ears before they started talking to one another or something but I guess you get slower with age. And I absolutely loved Ginny at the end where she confiscated the Extendable Ears, NOTHING ESCAPES GINNY POTTER GUYS!

But this sounds interesting! Could it really be Voldemort sympathizers or it could be a whole new evil and something far more dangerous. WE SHALL SEE!

Lovely first chapter!
-Grace

Author's Response: Thank you! We really appreciate reviews!

Lily's personality was the easiest to create, Albus was more of a problem. In the first drafts he was rather clumsy, but later we went back and changed him to be more uncertain but loving.

I (Georgina, the person who wrote that line) figured the Sorting Hat probably didn't speak to Draco, its decision happened too quickly. So I wondered who else would the hat not have to think too much on; the people who had an obvious fit in one House. James belonged in that category. It was my way of exploring the Hat a little bit more.

I always thought she didn't notice it at first because she wanted to tell Harry right away, without thinking that the kids would try to listen in. Then when she said it, she realized what had happened. No mother of three children will let something like that escape her for too long.

Our climax is in the queue now, so keep reading and you'll find out in a day or two!

Thank you so much for stopping by!
--Georgina


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Review #8, by SilverPatronus Tricks and Treats

2nd June 2014:
Your story is amazing! Just luv it! the fun facts are awesome. Keep up the awesome writing!

Author's Response: Yay I'm glad you enjoy them! :D
Thanks a lot!!!


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Review #9, by MargaretLane The Sorting

25th May 2014:
OK, I'm now interested in Professor Brocklehurste, for the sole reason that my OC Transfiguration teacher is also an ex-Ravenclaw, although Flitwick is still teaching in my version, so she's not head of house. I always like seeing what new teachers are like anyway.

Well done on the sorting hat song. They are HARD to write. I did one for my year two, but usually I skip them.

I'm looking forward to seeing where Lily is sorted.

Poor Hugo. *sympathises with him* I hope it works out OK for him. I'm sure it will.

And you've a Nott sorted. Interesting. I wonder if they'll play a significant part.

You've some very long paragraphs in this that are hard enough to read online. I would start a new paragraph when Nott's name is called out and then another when Lily is called out.

*cracks up at Harry knowing James has the Marauder's map*

You've spelled Quidditch as "Quiddith" at one point.

Author's Response: Thank you!
Brocklehurste is basically our McGonagall figure. We originally had McGonagall as headmistress in our story.
Thank you, I'm quite proud of the song! :) Now that I've studied them, it's unfortunately easier for me to be critical of other original sorting hat songs, especially when they don't have a regular meter.
Yeah, we put them both in Gryffindor. The older Nott is the on the Slytherin quidditch team, so he'll be showing up again soon.
I was thinking the same thing. I think the sorting is in 3 paragraphs now, but it was originally one long paragraph that took half a page. I'll look into breaking it up more.
Of course he would have the Marauder's Map! ;)
Oops. This is the second typo in a row that you've caught: which goes to show that even with four or five revisions you can still miss things.
Thank you for the review!


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Review #10, by MargaretLane Candies on the Train

22nd May 2014:
I LOVE your chapter titles.

The description of Teddy and explanation of who he is sounds a bit forced. Most people reading will know who he is anyway.

I like the way you show Lily as being nervous. She's bound to be, leaving for boarding school for the first time.

*laughs at the idea of Fred and James swamping the stairs* You've established their personalities and the fact they are friends very quickly and easily.

You use the characters' names rather a lot. There are some parts where it might sound better to use pronouns.

*grins at Percy talking about cauldron regulations* Sounds like him.

You've written that Molly could take points of "form Slytherin" instead of "from".

After spending two years at school with Scorpius and presumably having at least some classes with him, shouldn't Albus have some idea whether or not Scorpius is like his family?

*grins* Fred is pretty smart, pretending to be reluctant to offer Scorpius the sweet.

I doubt he'd say "candy" since that is an American term.

Poor Scorpius. It must be tough being judged by who his family are.

And yikes, things get dramatic at the end of the chapter. I like the way you put in a serious note as Rose begins to talk about the Dark Mark.

Hmm, this is getting very ominous.

I wonder if Harry is going to send Lily whatever it is he wants to hide. It would be an easy way of getting it into Hogwarts, but it could be putting Lily at risk. I guess it depends on what it is though. *ponders*

This sounds like it's going to be a rather original mystery. Looking forward to finding out more about what's going on.

Author's Response: Thanks!

Yeah, that does sound forced. When we originally wrote this chapter in particular, we did not know who our audience would be and assumed we would have to introduce everyone. (This was before we even found HPFF.) We also didn't use a lot of pronouns I guess because we were introducing a lot of he's, she's, them-s. ;) But yes, pronouns would have been smoother.
Whoops, I'll fix the typo.

You don't see it in this chapter as much, but the personality of our Scorpius keeps to himself even within his own house. So whether Albus would know his personality: it's sort of yes and no.

Whoops, really? (*googles "brittish word for candy" *) huh, I did not know that. Google isn't being helpful with alternatives right now either. Well we aren't planning to do Brittish spellings anyway; plus we couldn't bring ourselves to call the Weasley sweaters (the term used in the American books) ...call them jumpers instead (here that's a style of dress for a young girl).

Interesting hypothesis. I suppose that's a possibility, but he could also send something with James or even Neville, couldn't he? . . . I really can't say anymore! ;-)

Thanks for another review! :D I expected the first but was surprised at the second; you only owed us one from the history challenge. Still; thanks a lot!!


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Review #11, by Aaron Parchment, Quills, and Symbols

19th May 2014:
I guess this was a good first chapter, waiting for the second!

Author's Response: Thank you! We hope you enjoy and continue on with the rest;...as soon as we can get it out. The next chapter is waiting for validation.

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Review #12, by MargaretLane Parchment, Quills, and Symbols

18th May 2014:
Love the opening to this story.

And I'm somewhat surprised this takes place in Albus's third year. I assumed you'd start with his first, though I WAS wondering why you wrote a separate story about him on the Hogwarts Express and didn't just start this story that way. I guess this answers my question. It's a good idea to start later actually. It makes sense that any dodgy activity wouldn't necessarily begin as soon as Albus starts Hogwarts.

That's interesting, that Harry takes his children to visit Dudley's family. Nice to think the reconciliation hinted at in the last book continued.

Wow, this story gets going quickly. Wasn't expecting the Dark Mark to appear this soon. Sounds like somebody has killed a number of Muggles and raised the Dark Mark. It could still just be somebody who's trying to imitate the Death Eaters.

Oh, the other symbol makes it a little more scary.

Really intriguing start. I'm looking forward to finding out where this goes.

Author's Response: Haha yup we had planned all along to start in his third year because then Lily and Hugo would be there too. We never planned to write a FULL novella for all seven years with Albus.

Yup! On that subject, we wrote a short about the Potter kids being forced to go to the Dursley boy's birthday party when they really didn't want to go. Unlike a lot of our material, that one is already posted! (Albus' chapter from Just Another Picnic; which IS later referenced in this novella. ;) With situations like this, I find it really hard not to self advertise...)

I can't say anything more about the Dark/Other Mark except that it is developed in this novella. ;)

Yay! We're glad you enjoyed it!! Thanks for the review! :D


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Review #13, by crazymisscarly Parchment, Quills, and Symbols

18th May 2014:
looking forward to reading for :D

Author's Response: Thank you! Chapter two is in the queue waiting for validation, and we have the rest of the (26) chapters lined up after it. Thanks for the review!

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