Reading Reviews for I am alpha
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by kenpo I am alpha

28th September 2014:
Hello! I'm here for Story Search Round 1!

I was very happy to see that your birthday fell in one of the months so I could come read one of your stories!!! :D

And woop woop I'm glad that I read this!!! I love werewolf fics, and all the different ways that they can be interpreted! Greyback is such an interesting character to delve into, and I love the way you twisted him.

And I love the way you developed the moon as a character. That was a brilliant twist, and I loved Greyback's obsessive love and need to please her. That relationship reminded me of the relationship between Bellatrix and Voldemort.

Your descriptions were also very well written. One of my favorite lines was:
Twigs snap beneath my feet, the dead fingers of trees now frozen in time, gripped by the ice of winter.

I'm glad I got the chance to read this! I've been so busy, I need reasons to read more. Great job, as usual!

-Georgia

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Review #2, by BellaLestrange87 I am alpha

7th September 2014:
This is for the Blue vs. Bronze review battle!

This is an interesting perspective on Greyback's motives, the fact that he worships the moon and believe he is supposed to attack people and turn them into new werewolves for her. It definitely made me feel a bit more sympathy for him, instead of thinking that he hated humans and attacked them for that reason. Only a bit more sympathy, though. Lupin explicitly stated that he was attacked because his dad offended Greyback.

I love the way you describe things, and use poetic language. For example: "The cloak of shadow slips from her shoulder." That is a beautiful way of saying "The moon isn't covered by clouds anymore."

I definitely enjoyed this story. Benefits of the review battle!

~Olivia

Author's Response: Heya!

Thank you very much! This piece is largely an exercise in description, and I've been a little worried about, well, coherence. It made you feel slightly sympathetic towards him? Well, it shows that he's pretty unhinged, so maybe grounds of "reduced responsibility". I guess he believes he's doing the kids he bites a favour. But then to bite Lupin in revenge suggests he knows it's not really a favour. Fenrir's a confused and unhinged character. That kind are always the most fun...

Thank you very much! Really glad you enjoyed it.

~ Leo xx


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Review #3, by adluvshp I am alpha

12th July 2014:
House Cup 2014 Review.

Wow, this was pretty good, and it almost gave me chills.

Your writing style is very interesting. It matches the theme of the story, and presents a haunting feel. I loved your characterisation of Fenrir, as the 'alpha' who kept turning more children to please 'his mistress'. The whole concept of the moon being his mistress was very unique and kind of creepy. Your descriptions were very beautiful and brought out some great imagery as well.

I'd just say that the flow was a little stunted because at times your phrases didn't come across as smooth. There were also some punctuation errors. I'd suggest giving this a thorough re-read, reading out loud, and trying to rephrase some sentences, as well as look over the punctuation.
Apart from that, this made for a great read and I really loved it. The plot especially was amazing, and your writing style accentuated it perfectly.

Good job!
-Cheers,
AD (AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: Hey!

Yes, it could probably do with a bit of editing. I wrote this story late at night, in one sitting, and did very little editing. That's my excuse! I'll try and remember to go through it thoroughly at some point, when I'm in the mood (and my stupid headache's gone away). I have to admit there are stories of mine which I am really proud of and care about getting right, and this isn't really one of them.

I'm glad you liked the characterisation! I find late-night writing can do some interesting things with writing style and results in some nice descriptions. Even if sanity and grammar suffer.

Glad you enjoyed it!

Thank you! :)

~ Leo xx


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Review #4, by SeverusLove I am alpha

12th June 2014:
Hi there Leonore!

There was something about the flow and pace that I couldn't seem to put my finger on but it was a tad rushed, I must say. Which is a bit silly of me since you've provided adequate description for them. But paragraphs such as this -- 'The beast tore me, and I became it. It told me to follow it here. I came alone. It would be my master. I am master. I won that right by the law of my mistress. I was strong, and he was not. I am strong.' -- seemed to be very repetitive and at times, his tone confusing.

I must say, this plot is a very interesting and unique take to Fenrir's situation. It was exactly the perspective I had in mind for the challenge - the way the minds worked for those in the side of 'evil' when they believed it was all done for 'good' or for the best.

It was a quick, casual read, but entertaining enough that I enjoyed it. It might be better if the spaces between paragraphs were lessened a bit? Maybe just one space between paragraphs instead of three?

I think your description is beautiful and poignant, though it might help to crop out the repetitive ones.

This part -- 'who unfeeling watches with cold eyes the kingdom in her icy grip.' seemed to me a bit off and could use a bit of punctuation. Perhaps adding a comma in there as so -- 'who unfeeling, watches with cold eyes the kingdom in her icy grip.' or 'who, unfeeling, watches with cold eyes the kingdom in her icy grip.' -- might help.

And I may just be a bit nitpicky here but considering how much it was emphasised throughout the chapter, the 'I am master.' phrase has always bugged me. I always thought it might help to switch it with 'I am the master.' or capitalise it like so -- 'I am Master.'

Your description, however, is beautiful. The sentence structure around this phrase especially -- 'the clouds do her mercy when they veil her sickening form.' -- made me think Romeo & Juliet or Shakespearean style. A very attractive phrase, if I say so myself.

This part -- "A part of her is still in shadow, a sliver of darkness which will soon be bright...But she will escape the darkness, soon. As she has so many times before. To free her subjects to a freedom they care nothing for." -- had to be the most vivid for me.

It was a very interesting, poetic story, I enjoyed every word of it. Thank you so much for participating in my challenge, please anticipate the results within the following days.

Best Regards,
Sevvy ~
*prances out*

Author's Response: Hi!

The repetitive nature is actually deliberate, supposed to highlight his obsession and the hints of madness which must be present for him to actually do the things he does. I did write it very late at night, when I was clearly in a slightly strange mood...

This is actually the first time I've actually done the whole thing with these longer spaces. I don't like really long spaces in stories, but I didn't think they were too long, just a little bit more than usual. I'm not going to change it in this one but I'll take it on board and stick to my usual single line spaces for future stories.

Argh, someone else pointed out that sentence and I completely forgot to actually get round to it and change the punctuation! Edited it now - I wasn't sure about it when I was writing but decided to leave it at the time.

I didn't want to go on with the usual "beautiful moon" descriptions; I wanted to indicate his disdain for it/her, and also put in how I see it sometimes.

Thank you for the challenge which gave me the plunny for this! It was going to be horror, about when he was bitten, but clearly that didn't happen :p

- Leonore


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Review #5, by LightLeviosa5443 I am alpha

2nd June 2014:
Hi hon! I'm here for the BvB :)

I like how you start this off, right away were put directly into emotions and movement and I like that, I think it's a great way to start instead of easing us in. I also like the tone so far. Oh my gosh the queen is the moon!!! That's so awesome! I am so slow, but that's an awesome touch!! I'm really loving your word choice and the way you describe everything in this. It's great.


I just found one thing that caught my eye, figured I'd mention it!:

- In the second paragraph there's the line Only the wolves still wail to their mistress, who unfeeling watches with cold eyes the kingdom in her icy grip. I think some commas or something in there would help it. Because the way I read it, without any commas, is a tad bit confusing. But if you break it up (the way I think you want it to be read), I saw it more as a "Only the wolves still wail to their mistress, who, unfeeling, watches with cold eyes. The kingdom in her icy grip." That emphasizes the unfeeling and then I think the period really adds to the feel. Of course don't feel obligated to take my advice, I just figured I'd suggest it!

The tone of this story is really awesome. I feel almost frightened by his obsession, but completely and totally entranced and drawn in by the descriptions and intensity. You've done a really great job setting the scene and tone. That last sentence. I really really enjoyed this. I was hesitant when I started reading this because I wasn't sure how you were going to approach this, and use Fenrir. But wow, you did a really amazing job at this! I know I'm repeating myself but I loved your use of description and setting.

Amazing writing here. ♥

xoxo Sarah ♥

Author's Response: My crazy late-night writing! :p

I actually fought with that sentence a bit. You're right, it could probably do with a bit more punctuation - except not the full stop as the thing she's watching is "the kingdom in her icy grip" (not the wolves) - yep, that needs to be a bit clearer.

Why is everyone surprised by the fact that it's the moon he's personifying? (The chapter summary is "the moon is my mistress" :P) Well, I don't object as everyone seems to admire the revelation! Maybe I should change that chapter summary to make sure I don't give it away early.

It was going to be a horror story about Fenrir getting bitten, but my late-night brain had different ideas and changed the plot a couple of paragraphs in. I might just do more midnight writing ;)

New reviews always put a big smile on my face and this is definitely not an exception! When revision and form filling are getting me down... come and read amazing reviews on here! Thank you!

- Leonore


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Review #6, by patronus_charm I am alpha

15th May 2014:
Hi, here for the review battle!

Wow, you had some really haunting and wonderful description in this, and it was amazing how many great lines there were for such a short piece. I could really tell you thought about his surroundings with the way you not only included visual description but an audio one too, and I really felt as if I was in the forest with Greyback which was a really cool friendly.

I thought the way you described the werewolf life was really interesting. You really drew upon the sense of unity found within the pack and how they were almost like a family. I liked that because it was nice to have a positive spin on the werewolf life, and that they gain a new family through being one and that they all look out for one another as a werewolf and protect one another and that was an interesting thing to include.

Another small thing I loved was how you managed to find so many different words to describe Greyback’s position as the top of the pack with the way he was the alpha and he had this power over them. The use of first person tied in well with that because I really could sense the inner mental strength Greyback had in order to make that happen and it helped me understand his role as the leader a little more.

One final thing I have to say is that I really loved how you wrote Greyback as it really drew me into him and wanted to know more about this intriguing character rather than away which is usually the case when he’s concerned. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I liked him as that would be a little too much, but I certainly did enjoy his perspective and made me appreciate him more as a character.

Great one-shot!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hi Kiana!

Thanks! This is the result of a late-night writing session. Very late-night. It was going to be horror about him being bitten, but I changed my mind a couple of paragraphs in and decided it would work better like this.

Yeah, I think liking him would be a bit too much. He's unbalanced, even insane. And he puts a positive spin on things, anyway, because he's convinced that he's helping those he bites by spreading his "gift". And there are some benefits, but he's ignoring all of the downsides. Unbalanced and insane.

Thanks again!

- Leonore


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Review #7, by TheHeirOfSlytherin I am alpha

9th May 2014:
This was a really interesting take on Greyback and how he acts as a werewolf. I really enjoyed reading this, especially with how he treats the moon - almost as if it's a real, living person in control of him.

I liked this. :)

Sam.

Author's Response: Thank you :) Maybe I'll do more late-night impulse writing!

- Leonore


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Review #8, by MargaretLane I am alpha

9th May 2014:
Love the first couple of sentences here. They really sort of set the atmosphere. And I actually jumped when the twigs snapped beneath his feet. I think getting an actual physical reaction from your reader is a pretty good sign!

Hmm, I'm beginning to think his mistress is the moon. When I got to the line about her always being his mistress but him not knowing it, that occurred to me.

Greyback comes across as sort of insane here. I mean, obviously, he is insane, but I mean in the sense of being out of touch with reality. And he seems to think he is doing the right thing by biting those children - the right thing for them, as well as for his cause of creating an army.

Really well written story.

Author's Response: Hi!

It was going to be a horror story of him getting bitten, but it disagreed...

That is a very good sign! Wow!

His mistress is indeed the moon! (the chapter summary is "the moon is my mistress" :p )

Oh, definitely something wrong there. Well why would he bite those children? Either as revenge, or because he thought it was the right thing to do. And I've seen it frequently referred to as him considering it his "gift".

Thank you!

- Leonore


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