Reading Reviews for We Are One
  
63 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Aphoride It begins with pink

6th November 2014:
Hey there! I thought I'd drop by on this one, rather than your Jenna Matthews story, since that one's going through edits, so I hope that's okay! :)

You should know straight off that I adore murder mysteries. Like, properly, properly love them. To bits. So I was so excited to drop by on this - I couldn't resist it, especially when I've heard such good things about it!

I love how you start with a little flash of the murderer, and the build-up to the murder itself. It's such an intriguing way to start - not the normal sort of way, I think - and it really just pulls me into the story, without any effort at all. All the little hints and things about Umbridge were great, too - I loved the cats on plates on the walls, the pink colour everywhere, and yet the sort of memory the murderer obviously had of her being so cruel and so wicked. I have no idea who the murderer could be either - there really are so many characters who hated her! :P

Your characterisation is so good, too - I loved how you portrayed Ron and Harry in this, going about the crime scene, getting called into work so early/being so tired and all... it really highlights the non-glamorous aspect of an Auror's life, you know? But they were all great - I loved Ginny's comment after she found out about Umbridge, it was so in-character for her, and the little mentions of Harry putting her bump and stroking her hair were lovely.

The only thing I could say is maybe when you have more fluid senses, like sounds and smells and things, introduce them a bit earlier? Like, it seemed a bit sudden for Ron to hear the cats - the sound would have been there all along - so mentioning a faint noise, or that it gets louder or something, would make it a bit less static. But that's really a minor thing ;)

Your writing is so lovely - I love the way you shift your dialogue to suit each character, and the way you put I so many little details, like the Auror-speak (Un-Sub and 1200 hours), and the little character things you put in there.

Your plot is just amazing, though - I'm so, so curious to know what's happened, who's done it, what's going to happen next. Even though this isn't on a cliffhanger, it essentially is, because you've made me want to know so much more! :)

I'm going to have to try and follow you during the Review Battle or something :P

Aph xx

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Review #2, by wolfgirl17 It begins with pink

5th November 2014:
Hey Erin,

Woflgirl17 here with your review.

My guess at the killer is Hermione (using hair dye) or maybe even Harry himself or perhaps Cho. But I suspect I'm projecting my own Dark Hermione idea for the Saints and Sinners challenge.

Anyway, onto the review.

Overall, I like the chapter. It's a good start and builds a foundation for the rest of the story to come. I was surprised at first by the way you began in second person, simply because not very many people favor it. I'm assuming you've done so in order to keep the gender of the killer from us to prolong that feeling of being on tenterhooks as we ponder who it might be.

Your characterization could use a little work, to be honest. I mean, we all know and love Harry, Ron and Ginny, but I often find that knowing the characters so well can sometimes lead to laziness in characterizing them for each individual story. I know I'm a shocker for it. They could use a little work, because so far all you've given us in regard to them is that Harry is overworked and tired, Ginny is pregnant and disapproving on Harry always working, and all we got from Ron was that he was bored. Maybe just try to breathe a little more life into them so that they feel more 3D for us, you know? It will improve the quality of your writing and really put the reader right into the story the way JK always managed. Your goal is to make the reader feel completely transported into the story, so much so that the cat falling asleep on the keyboard in RL should go unnoticed. =)

I think that's really the only thing I can find for this chapter that could use a little work though. The plot you're developing is good and the flow is fast-paced but believable. You've got a solid foundation to build the rest of the story on, and I have to admit I'm intrigued to find out who the killer is and what their motives are. (I'm still banking on Hermione or maybe Cho??)

I see what some of your past reviewers mean too about the way you so easily kill off characters (I stalked your profile on the forums). YOu definitely have a gift for crafting character death. Which is rare. I can barely even stand to put them through emotionally troubled times more often than not, hence my sticking to straight fluffy romance mostly. But I'm sure that if this keeps up you'll definitely be the next G.R.R.M, slashing and dashing the lives of characters we love and hate alike with swift keystrokes sharper than an assassin's blade!

Let me know if you want me to keep reviewing the following chapters. I hope I've been helpful and you're not sitting there thinking "What drivel!". Keep up the good work!

xx-Wolfgirl17

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Review #3, by MargaretLane Revealed

1st November 2014:
Hmm, I'm not entirely convinced about Marrietta Edgecombe. The part about the "gruff voice" seems to imply that even if she is involved, there's somebody else behind her. *reads on*

Did you mean the nickname "Old Bill" as a reference to the police?

Hmm, there's clearly more to be reveled here. Whether Marietta is guilty or not, there is clearly more to this. Aberforth knows something. I doubt he'd get involved in murder himself, but he clearly has some information he's not revealing. Hmm.

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Review #4, by crestwood Spotted

15th September 2014:
NO!! This CAN'T be the last chapter! Of course, the last posted chapter is just as we're seemingly about to find out.. of course. Ah! Please update really really soon, I'm practically begging.

This is one of the better stories on the archives. If there was any more categories left that this applied to, I'd nominate it for a Dobby. This is supremely suspenseful and every chapter has built upon the foundation of the last.

I wonder if the fact that Greyback clawed their face will cause them to have any lasting wolfish tendencies like Bill experienced. I still cannot believe that they, injured, decided to come and kill Greyback, although now I do understand why at least. He saw who they are. This is huge because the Ministry now has this information and they've messed up big time. I can't imagine the kind of things they'll get into next.

The chase scene with Emerson was amazing. You gave such good description during it and really placed the reader in the middle of the action. He looks incredibly suspicious, but I still hold that I do think he is actually the murderer, but by the looks of things he IS guilty of some other crime. His last minute apparation was unexpected. I thought they'd bring him in with no problem. This case just seems to be doing a number on them.

Beginning the next section with "I resign" was pretty shocking. Of course, it was just Ron kind of exaggerating, but shocking nonetheless.

Also, the prose in this is beautiful. "The room sunk back into the silence that had been its only untroubled occupant for the past hour." THIS LINE. IS. EVERYTHING.

"his esteem had shattered and crumbled, and now lay on the floor in a pool of his blood" I mean, how?

I just love this. It's only getting better and better the more I read. I am so impressed with everything here. The characterization, the mood, the writing itself. It all works together. And you're keeping such a steady pace, with such a gripping mystery and revealing clues at just the right moments and giving us that amazing second person point of view and this is just coming together. I've added it to my favorites, so the next time I see an update, I'm jumping on it. Thank you for your request!

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Review #5, by crestwood A mistake

15th September 2014:
The excerpt from the Prophet was so perfect. You really nailed the way that paper is written. Their digs at the 'weary-looking Robards' and questioning of why Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world can't catch this killer is so snarky and underhanded. Perfect for what we've seen of their brand of journalism.

Harry and Ron's laughing fit was so great! I like the way their friendship is depicted here. They're still best friends just like they were as kids and that scene just hit all of the marks.

I want to know who in the world this Old Bill is. Hmmm..

With the murder of McNair, even if it wasn't planned, the killer still has only targeted those who have wronged Harry in some way. I believe McNair tried to attack Harry in the Battle of the Department of Mysteries.

I don't know what kind of deranged person decides that they're going to target and kill Greyback of all people, but this murderer has their hands full.

So, we do have some clues here. I just can't seem to assemble them into a viable suspect yet. I'm going to be so excited when this is all revealed because it honestly has me completely stump as of now. Another great chapter!

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Review #6, by crestwood Broken Pieces

15th September 2014:
I am really in awe of this killer's resolve. He/She's just murdering people left and right. I was very surprised about some of the things they said to Dung. They seemed to hate him just because they thought he was a bad person. (coming from a serial killer) Their anger at his abandoning of Mad Eye was shocking, but not even close to how surprising it was that they were angry about his actions leading to trouble for Harry...

So, supposedly, this person does not hate Harry, but wants him protected from people who have done bad to him? That would fit so far.. Umbridge treated him terribly, Xeno Lovegood betrayed him and Dung got him into trouble with Yaxley. Which opens up even more possible suspects.. I might even be way off. It's hard to tell. This is just so awesome.

Having Hagrid in Knockturn alley buying flesh eating slug repellent (I assume) was an awesome reference to canon!

I don't believe that Emerson did it. I think that's one of the suspects that's supposed to throw us off of the trail of the real killer. I can't wait to see what Hagrid has to say when Harry and Ron talk to him. With the sort of shady bunch he hangs around, he occasionally has some useful information. This story is just picking up more and more. Not much CC to offer here, I'm afraid.

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Review #7, by crestwood Bitterly Truthful

15th September 2014:
When I first read about the bald man in the last chapter, my mind went straight to Dung Fletcher and it looks as though I was correct! Major personal victory there. The killer seems to be really talented with magic. The way they use nonverbal magic for their memory charm and can still make it so precise tells me a lot about their skill. It does seem as though they're very adapt at being stealthy.

So, our new list of suspects is helpful, although for some reason, I expect it to be someone closer to Harry. Also, Ron's outbursts and rumbling stomach really give me such a clear picture of his character in canon. Just great characterization with him.

I liked all of their Veritaserum answers, especially Harry's. His thoughts going into his past and then him changing his answer is exactly what he'd do. You have such a grasp of these characters. It's amazing the way you write them, I'll tell you.

I love this Ginny you've written and her relationship with Harry. This is really how I would have liked to think of them as adults, loving and intimate. Your characterization overall, is just through the roof. The pacing of the mystery is perfect, as you keep giving us more and more detail, but keep us on our feet by leaving out the crucial details and giving us so many possible answers to choose from. This has been great so far.

Author's Response: Whoo, great guess there! I won't be surprised if you end up solving this mystery before the aurors do. :D

Skills can be misleading...or not.

The veritaserum answers were a bit tricky as repetition would just make it boring. I'm glad they interested you!

From those small mentions in the books, Ginny has always been a source of comfort and support for Harry so I wanted to highlight their relationship in this as people tend to undermine it a lot.

Thank you, once again, and I can't wait to know the rest of your guesses and deductions!


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Review #8, by crestwood Chocolate and bubbles

15th September 2014:
Wow, this story is doing nothing but improving.. I actually enjoy the short length of the chapters because it gives us this sense that everything is happening in quick bursts. I think it works well with a mystery to not give too much description and up the word count. You've definitely done so, as you've given us no description to speak of about the killer. Which, I prefer SO much more than it being obvious.

The beginning with James' birthday party was light and just so cute. It convinced me that you are probably a talented fluff writer as well if/when you try to be. But then you pulled me back to what you're doing in this story and we got another glimpse at the murderer's mind. I imagined that we were meant to be watching through a window, but I honestly can't be sure. I think the line 'for one fleeting moment it was you carrying the little boy' kind of supports the theory of the killer being a alternate personality inside of Harry, as well as his confusion afterwards, but I feel like that may be there to convince me that is the answer so you'll be able to trick me later on! The killer must be close to the family though, considering the protectiveness it feels over James. This is just so much fun to try and figure out.

This Lance Emerson they find going through Xeno's mail seems like a likely suspect, which leads me to believe that he will not be the killer. I think you're going to throw a lot of suspects at us and then hit us with a curve-ball at the last minute.

The end in which we're back in second person is really terrifying. It looks like there's going to be yet another unsolved murder. The way that you write this unnamed person really is excellent. This entire chapter was really solidly written and paced. Not one criticism for this one.

Author's Response: I love how you touch upon the aspects that worry me the most. I always thought that maybe the chapters were too short and without enough information to move the case along so thank you for clearing that up for me!

Ugh, I hate fluff. But it's a part of writing anything so I try. It's extremely hard for me though so your thoughts on that are relieving.

I love knowing what you think about the killer! It makes me give this evil laugh in my mind because I know exactly where this is headed and what details are going to be thrown out before everything's wrapped up. There's still a long way to go so be prepared for some twists and turns! :D

Hehe, not giving anything out there. ;)

Yay, thanks a lot for yet another fantastic review!


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Review #9, by crestwood Sunshine, stay

14th September 2014:
I'm back to hopefully finish up these reviews!

I can't believe you've killed off Xenophilius Lovegood! Not who I would have guessed was on their way out next, at all.

This mystery just got even MORE interesting! The murder clearly isn't some rouge Death Eater or something, as they're freely walking around the Ministry. Of course, that could be the work of Polyjuice potion, so I suppose that isn't entirely true. Which, again completely opens the suspect list. This one's not going to be easy to guess. At least, we now know that they have access to the evidence room and Pamela will probably inform us of who that entails in the next chapter.

Your characterization of Luna is perfect. Literally exactly 100% on the dot. She's always been this cheerful, hopeful character despite the death of her mother presumably having a big effect on her young life. I love that she acknowledges the sadness, but refuses to completely break down because of it because, just as her father was there when her mother passed away, her husband and child are there now. An excellent portrayal of the way Luna would go about mourning.

Xeno's mail will be fun to read through, with no doubt. I can't wait for what they uncover! This is really so exciting and gripping already. These second person peaks into the killers mind are chilling and it all comes together perfectly already. This story really pulls you in quickly. Excellent so far.

Author's Response: Hello again!

Yeah, I've gotten a lot of hate for killing off Xeno but it had to be done.

I love it when people pick up on the details. At times I wonder whether they're too subtle or whether too few are given out, causing the interest to decline so this is really comforting.

Thank you! I remembered Luna's conversation with Harry about how the people you love never really leave and that inspired me to write her in this way. :)

Thank you so much once again! Your reviews are the best. :D


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Review #10, by crestwood It begins with pink

14th September 2014:
Okay, first of all I am so sorry this took as long as it did. Real life started happening and I got a lot of requests for multi-chaptered fics all at once and it got a bit hectic. But, better late than never, they say.

I can't believe this is written in second person. I've never read anything on this site that did so and this is a huge surprise. Right away that pulls me in to this in a big way. The mystery is presented right here at the beginning. Who is this nameless "you." They have reason to hate Umbridge, but that doesn't narrow it down much. For some reason I felt as though it was a woman, although I am not sure why because after a second look I found no real indication of that. This 'you' had a fun time giving Umbridge a chance to fight against her before she began torturing her. That's a bit deranged, but then again, this is our murderer so the crazier the better. This person may be a handful for the Aurors.. I love that it's a canon character so I get to try and guess who it is before it's revealed, that's always fun!

I almost hope that the killer is someone that we don't expect. It could be a student that she was terrible to, it could be really any Muggleborn in the series, it could be a Death Eater that escaped prosecution. Really, it could be anyone. This will be very difficult to guess. The title of this story, We Are One, will be so interesting if Harry murdered Umbridge in some PTSD fueled rage.

Because that'd give us that idea of Harry kind of having a good and a bad side and we'd get our "we are one" moment. Of course, that's just speculation. I couldn't help myself. This has just got me thinking right now!

One tiny thing that I thought kind of stuck out: I don't think I can imagine Ron saying 'There's a lone black hair there.' For some reason that struck me as strange that he'd use the word lone. It could, of course, just be me though. Other than that little thing, Harry, Ron and Ginny were absolutely in character here. Ginny especially seemed to retain some of who she was in canon rather than fading into the background, even with less scenes than Ron or Harry.

Overall, this was really effective and well written. I haven't read a dark mystery like this for some time, but I am really excited to see what direction you take this. I wonder what kind of investigation we'll be taken along. I imagine there's a lot in store for me in the upcoming chapters. I'm so glad I finally got around to starting this, but it is now six in the morning and it looks as though I'll be continuing tomorrow. Great start here!

Author's Response: Hi! Don't worry about it. I know how things can get and I'm so glad you came to review this. I'm always open to new views and suggestions as I'm trying to make this as engrossing as possible.

Haha, second person is kind of like my MO. People are surprised when I don't incorporate it in some way or the other. :D It really helps keep the identity of the killer a secret, and I'm also trying to get the readers to relate to the killer's motivations and thought processes to make things seem more real and dark.

Ooh, a woman. Interesting. I wonder why you came to that conclusion. No one's really guessed that at first read so I'm really interested in what your ideas will be as this progresses.

Harry. That's interesting as well. I've actually considered changing the title because it kind of leads people to jump to conclusions but a lot of readers have gotten attached to the title so I think it'll remain. That's a curious speculation and I love it when people think out of the box!

Yeah, I'll be changing that soon. I want to get through the remaining chapters and then clean the existing ones up. :)

Thanks so much! I really think people don't do justice to Ginny as she's actually a great character and I wanted to bring her into this story as well to not keep the light only on the mystery. From what I've read on the archives, the pace seems to be easier to follow and more interesting when there are other elements of the characters' lives included as well.

Thanks so much for this amazing, detailed review! :)


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Review #11, by Lostmyheart Spotted

9th September 2014:
No, Erin!!!

No cliffhangers! You nearly killed me. Bah. Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon!

And sorry for taking so long with the reviewswap :D I had a lot of things going on... far too many things, so I get easily distracted. Not great, but at least I'm here now :)

ANOTHER AMAZING CHAPTER! Seriously.
Your writings is flawless I tell ya, FLAWLESS. Yup. I hope you got that, I wrote it with capital letters so you could understand how serious I was :b

I would mention my favorite parts but frankly, there are too many. (first time I've ever used the word frankly... did I use it right?)
They're all so brilliant, I like how you wrote the scene with the murderer by the cave, THE DETAILS, Erin! The pebbles, the darkness, then the lunging of claws. Ugh. Give me your skillz man, all of them. Or maybe just a dash. Anything.

I can't wait to read the rest!!

- Avi

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Review #12, by BellaLestrange87 It begins with pink

9th September 2014:
This is for the Blue vs. Bronze review battle!

I really like this first chapter. It obviously doesn't take place very long after DH, considering that Umbridge is free - I believe JKR said she went to Azkaban for her crimes against Muggle-borns during the war.

I see Umbridge is - was - as pink and nasty as usual. It's probably a good thing she's gone. Of course, that widens up the list of suspects a lot. Anybody that met her is on it.

Am I the only one that thinks Ginny has something to do with it? I thought her reaction when Harry told her about the death was weird. Ginny probably wouldn't copy Bellatrix's methods, considering she's friends with Neville, and after only one chapter there isn't a lot to go on, but I have a suspicion she's involved somehow.

The news definitely should not have gotten to the Prophet that quickly. Unless the killer worked at the Prophet? Ginny works at the D.P. as the Quidditch Reporter (I think)... Of course, I could be completely wrong, and you could be laughing while you read my review, but...

I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, so that's good. *submits and continues reading*

~Olivia

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Review #13, by Karou_Marauder Spotted

9th September 2014:
Hello! I really should have reviewed all the other chapters but I got so caught up in the story I had to keep on reading! And now I can take a deep breath and relax...after this CLIFFHANGER! WHY?

Ahem.

I love your pacing in this chapter. Quick and fast with the duels and slightly slower with the letter part. Very nicely done.

The imagery you use as well in the first scene with Greyback was brilliant especially when you highlighted the irony of the setting. That was a nice touch.

Now then, onto guesses...

I can think of a few people with a grudge against Greyback - Lavender Brown, for example. Although I don't think it's her as she doesn't seem to be an Auror in your story, and she doesn't have access to the records which she'd need, as Pamela recognised whoever it was.

There are plenty of others, millions in fact - anyone prejudiced against werewolves (although unlikely since they also killed Umbridge who was the personification of prejudice), an old Death Eater with a grudge, someone related to a werewolf he bit... It could be anyone.

Now I'm going to go ahead and put forward my theory. It's a strange one but hear me out, okay?

I think it was HARRY. Told you it was strange! I think Harry has some kind of split personality - one side of him is loveable and nice, the Harry we know and love. The other side is his vengueful side.

He has plenty of reasons to kill Umbridge - the pain she caused everyone in fifth year, not to mention Harry himself. Xeno...bit of an odd one, but possibly his angry half resented Xeno's betrayal whilst his nice half accepted the reasons? Xeno's the odd one out at the moment.

Then, Macnair. He was supposed to kill Buckbeak right? Again, a bit of a spanner in the works. Perhaps it's not Harry after all.

But Greyback... Harry might be angry at Greyback for biting Remus and causing him trouble, then treating people like they're free food, which are things out killer doesn't like. Hey, there's a link! All of these characters seem to have some kind of prejudice/arrogance about them that could be our killer's motivation?

Ugh, I don't know. Expect some backwards reviews in the morning!

-Karou

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Review #14, by Midnight spark It begins with pink

7th September 2014:
Hey! Here with our review swap!

I'll start by saying: I absolutely love the beginning! It had me sitting on the edge, and I could literally see the scene play in front of me! And when it suddenly changed to the Harry scene, I was like... idk, oooh! I really don't know how to say it!

And what makes this story even better is that, even though it's a mystery is that the humor Ron and Harry has between each other and the jokes about Umbridge is still there. I am dying to know who was the murderer! I'll come back and read them all, and thanks a million for your absolutely lovely review! :)

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Review #15, by Gabriella Hunter Bitterly Truthful

5th September 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie with your review and I'm a bit early with it this time around since I'm no longer sick and able to actually move around without passing out. Hahaha. Being sick was a major pain!

Anyway, on to this! Our killer is a rather resourceful little thing, hm? I'm still trying to figure out who this could be though and its really starting to make my mind hurt--at first I thought that it was someone close to Harry and the others but now I'm wondering if it might be someone on the Auror team or perhaps someone in the Ministry? I wonder what their motive is for killing the victims and what they'll do next but what a close one Pamela had with the mysterious slayer! I'm glad that it didn't resort to violence but I wonder if she'll ever be able to remember a tiny detail about the person? Hm...

Now, I don't blame Robards for wanting to test the new Veritaserum and I know that you wouldn't have put that in unless it was going to have some major significance for later so I'm really curious on what might happen next. I think that there was a big clue dropped in there but I can't figure out what it is...

Also, the varying views on death were interesting and while some were what I expected, I was proud of Harry at the end :D

Your ending was sweetly done as well and I enjoy the little moments you have with Harry and Ginny before the darkness comes again.

Great pacing, your mystery is only deepening with the growing list of suspects and I think that you've got something great here!

Much love,

Gabbie

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Review #16, by mymischiefmanaged Sunshine, stay

4th September 2014:
Hi Erin,

I'm here for our swap - sorry for the delay.

I've been looking forward to reading your next chapter and it seems so good already! I'm reviewing as I read so hopefully this makes sense.

Okay, I love Ginny again already. I'm glad Harry's buying her mousse. I understand this isn't an important plot point but it's made me smile and approve of Harry's behaviour.

Your characterisation of Robards as the stressed bearer of bad news is really good. I'd like to see a bit more of who Pamela is? Just because she's the only woman on the team, feel she could be made a bit more of a fleshed out character. But Robards I like. This can't be good news.

No Xenophilius Lovegood! But why? I didn't mind about Umbridge being killed but this time it's so so sad. Poor Luna!

Harry's thoughts about Luna are adorable. I love their friendship. in the books he always seems so honest in his affection for her, really appreciating her for who she is, and you get that across really well here.

And then angry Harry. Hello Harry's temper. I remember you. But very appropriate and justified here, and wonderful keeping Harry in character on your part.

Love Pamela smarting at being called 'girl'. That's what I was looking for from her. I'd quite like this to be a bit of a theme with her? Maybe she can be much more competent than the way she's treated. I don't know. It's not important but I really like her already as a character.

You write Luna wonderfully. You put in these lovely touches like the cornish pixie earrings, and her calm reaction to her father's death seems very in character. It's a bit like how matter of fact she was when she told Harry about her mother's death, and about being bullied. You really get her personality across. Brilliant writing.

Hmm my current guess is that the killer is perhaps targeting people that harmed Harry in the past? Just because that seems to be the only real link between Lovegood and Umbridge. Maybe somebody they loved died in the past and they're killing people that slowed down Harry's defeat of Voldemort? I really don't know, but I feel there must be a really interesting and clever motive behind the murders of two such different people. I'm looking forward to finding out what it is.

This is a wonderful chapter. I'm consistently impressed by your ability to keep your characters so believable. They're all completely in character with what we see in Rowling's books but you've managed to make them grow up at the same time. It's very clever and makes for a very satisfying read.

I'm pretty sure I might be back to read and review your future chapters. I'm very interested to see who the villain is. Let me know if you ever want to swap again.

Much love,

Emma x

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Review #17, by UnluckyStar57 Sunshine, stay

4th September 2014:
Oooh, chapter two ramps the mystery up a notch! D:

Okay, I can understand why someone would want to kill Umbridge, but Xeno?!?! The only connection that I can find between the two is that they both helped the Death Eaters in some way--and in a rather indirect way, at that! (Well, Xeno was more direct about it, but he wasn't actually on their side.) Grr. I am not a detective, so I can't figure it all out!

Ugh, creepy bit of second person PoV there. Just enough to keep the mystery alive, but not enough to reveal any clues about who the killer might be. I'm wondering if it could be a Ministry worker who is under the Imperius curse by a former Death Eater? Or maybe a former Death Eater who escaped Azkaban? Or maybe a regular citizen who thinks that they should exact revenge?

Arggh, I don't even know.

Luna seems very mystical and Luna-esque. I thought you did a brilliant job of writing her character, especially after she's been married, had a child, and so recently lost her father. She's definitely one-of-a-kind. :)

Who will be murdered next?! Or maybe the murderer will take a day off in chapter three... Either way, I'll be back for more very soon! :D

~For the September BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

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Review #18, by UnluckyStar57 It begins with pink

2nd September 2014:
Hello! :D

Wow, I am kicking myself for not reading this much earlier! As soon as I saw the chapter title, I knew that it would be about Umbridge and I was very intrigued. Umbridge is a toad, but who killed her? Some former student? One of the adults that she worked with in the Ministry? Who knows?!

I like that you introduced the villain in second person--now there is absolutely no way for me to figure out who it could possibly be! It gave quite a nice air of mystery to the chapter and set the story up really well. But why did Umbridge let her guard down? She was so careful about locking her office at Hogwarts--maybe the centaurs drove her insane so she forgot? Hmmm, I don't know. I'm no Sherlock. :)

I really like that Harry is not the Head Auror at this point in his career. This is obviously taking place during the nineteen year stretch between the end of DH and the epilogue, and if James is a little kid, then it's fairly early on. It's very realistic for Harry to be one of the good Aurors, but not quite in the Head position yet. :)

Really brilliant first chapter! Hopefully I'll be back to read more later on. :D

~For the September BvB Review Battle~

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Mallory! (totally went and looked up your name.)

Hehe yes, I shamelessly got inspiration for the title from Sherlock ep1. Plus, Pink. :P I think everyone hates Umbridge that no one really feels sorry that she was killed off. :D

I luuurve second person. People have told me it's weird if I *don't* write in second person. :P and it fit the situation so I figured why not? And the point is to also bring a human aspect to the murderer and let the readers get a glimpse into what the murderer is thinking or feeling.

Ah, well, Voldemort is gone, and the threats nowadays seem comparatively less. Also, it's possible that she'd locked it a bit better but the murderer just found it easy to open due to high magical abilities. That's open to interpretation if you'd like it to be. ;)

But seriously, it's mostly because there's no major threat out there anymore and things are kind of peaceful now. Well, not anymore.

Yeah, I always found it weird how he just got promoted so quickly in a lot of stories. Even if he is Harry Potter, he still has to go through the levels that other aurors do, so.

Thank you for this amazing review! :)


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Review #19, by MargaretLane Spotted

1st September 2014:
Yikes, I got a bit of a shock when claws began to rake at his/her face.

And I'm now realising that I'm picturing this person as a man, but there's no reason to believe that. Hmm.

The attack on Greyback seems to disprove my theory. I can't see any way in which he could be considered a traitor. Hmm, Umbridge, Dung, Greyback, Lovegood. I can't find any connection whatsoever between them.

Aw, poor Ron. This is just the same way he feels about Quidditch. He has an awful habit of putting himself down and expecting that he should be perfect at all times. Everybody makes mistakes; it's not a reason to quit.

I think you jumped a little quickly from Ron planning to resign to his saying, "let's just make sure we get him next time." I know he wants to reassure Harry, but it does seem a rather sudden change and it's a little disconcerting reading it.

Hmm, maybe it's not COMPLETELY certain I'm wrong, as Greyback might just have had to be killed because of what he saw. And MacNair could DEFINITELY be considered a traitor, as he was working for the Ministry and the Death Eaters. The theory fits four of the five deaths.

Is the villain going to be revealed now. I suspect it won't be this simple. I've a feeling the letter'll only give a hint.

But at the moment, I'd probably guess Pamela. She sort of seems the least UNlikely. Although there was that Veritaserum questioning. I don't really know, to be honest.

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Review #20, by Gabriella Hunter Chocolate and bubbles

1st September 2014:
Hello!

This is Gabbie here with your review and I'm a tad late but I was suffering from writer's block and it really sucked! I really need to find something better to do when Sir Bad Plot Twist comes around...

Anyway, on to this! This chapter started off in a much lighter way than the previous two but I knew that you were going to build up to something and wasn't surprised when our killer was watching the scene. I do have to wonder how no one noticed? And what was up with Harry's moment of confusion? I'm starting to wonder if this killer might be a lot closer to them all than they think but I'm worried that they might be too late in finding out who the person is. I think its someone close to the group though, they seemed to know Harry and the others very well and the killer felt a level of affection for James that I think would be odd for someone who wasn't friends with the group. Hm..my mind is spinning with various ideas.

I'm awfully curious about this new suspect as well, I wonder how far the case will go once they look into him? I hope it'll lead to another clue but I have a feeling that there are about a dozen more mysteries here that need answers. I really cant' wait for the next chapter and I hope you re-request soon!

I didn't spot any CC's or anything so you're all good. Your pace was nice and your characters were well-rounded as well, I didn't have any trouble picturing them all together and I hope that their hard work pays off!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Gabbie! Thank you again for such a quick review! I really love getting to know your perspective on this story.

Ah. I don't even know how to reply to all this as I don't want to give anything away. Let's just say I wanted to change the tone a bit, bring in a bit of the lighter parts in to balance out the heavier ones. Things do pick up from here so be on the lookout for clues! :D

The new suspect is going to become really suspicious. *whistles* Ok, bye. Before I say anything more. :P

Ok, I'm back. Yes, totally random, I think it's the caffeine. Thank you so much! I hope the whole plot plays out well. I can't wait to know your thoughts on the later chapters, so I'll be re-requesting. Hope you don't mind! :)



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Review #21, by Aaquib Jaleel A mistake

30th August 2014:
Firstly, kudos on the writing. It was fluid and the whole second person change in POV is an amazing idea. The choice of victims are great, the plot so far has kept me hooked. I usually make fun of fan fiction because I feel that you can never really do justice to the characters. I am happy to say that I am completely wrong. You have portrayed the characters very well. I also like the way you describe the way each character interacts with each other. For ex: The whole scene where Harry and Ron are holding each other closely made me smile and also how their awkwardness reminded me so much about that character. All in all, good job. Please finish the story soon because I am dying to know.

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Review #22, by Gabriella Hunter Sunshine, stay

30th August 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I'm here a lot sooner than you might have expected! I am like Batman! Hahahah.

Anyway, this was another thrilling chapter. I was really in for a shock with what you've done here and your killer has become more and more mysterious as time goes by but why murder Xenophilius Lovegood? I certainly wasn't prepared for that and my jaw literally dropped to the floor, you certainly gave me a bit of shock. I'm not sure who would be so angry with him to murder him and I'm also not sure how he and Umbridge were connected to one another but I'm sure that you'll be leading up to that at some point, its just that the waiting is tearing me up! I thought that you wrote Ron and Harry's reactions to the new death very well and I really loved the bits about Luna's character as well. Luna's one of my favorite characters in the HP world and while I was reading her, I think that I sort of had to breathe deeply. There was something so bright about her and while I can see that she's been upset by the loss of her father, I like the strength you gave her as well. I think Luna is the sort of person that holds her emotions in instead of releasing him, which probably explains the nightmares but anyway, that was a lovely scene you wrote. I'm curious about these 75 letters that were sent to her father and I'm hoping that there's going to be some sort of clue that pops up later on.

Now, your killer seems to have a thing for Robards all of a sudden and I'm curious about where that came from. Do they have a grudge for the Auror Department or the Ministry? I'm trying to wrap my mind around their actions but its really tough and I'm having so much fun trying to figure everything out!

I didn't spot any CC's and your pacing was great, your introduction to new characters was well-done and your story is turning into a great murder-mystery. Hope to see you soon!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Gabbie! Are you really magic? I think you are. :o

Yeah, I got a lot of hate for killing off old Xeno, but it's all part of the plan. Muahahahaha. :P

I love Luna, and it's always interesting writing her as she's such a unique character, and her thought processes are in a different line than anyone else's. Ooh, yes, they tackle the letters in the next chapter. It's not that great, although they do get a new suspect!

Haha, I'm glad this makes you think! I hope it's not to soon to re-request! I absolutely love your reviews. x

~Erin



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Review #23, by Gabriella Hunter It begins with pink

28th August 2014:
HELLO!

This is Gabbie from the forums dumping this review on you and I'm sorry that its taken me a minute. I was sort of busy and then I had to slay demons and you know how that is!

On to this! I was really taken in by your POV in the very beginning, its a really bold way to start a chapter and not a very common one. I'm not sure if a lot of people would be all right with it but I liked it! I think that it caused me to sink into the killers mind a lot easier and I was able to gather the depth of their hatred as well. I did NOT expect the victim to be Umbridge, that came as a surprise (Even though everything was pink, mind you)! and I'm going to have to agree with Ron--there were a lot of people who would want to kill her.

I just wonder...who could it be? I also really liked that you showed Harry and Ginny in a normal setting instead of something very dramatic and over the top. I liked the idea of them in the kitchen having a discussion than rather, say, being woken up in the middle of the night by a hooting owl with a bloody letter. Or something. I think that you showed a good deal of affection between them too and even though it was subtle, it spoke volumes so good job! Having Harry being a bit overworked makes since to me, I don't imagine that he gets a lot of time to relax and its starting to show.

Anyoo, the last half of this chapter had me buzzing with questions. It seems strange that no one saw anything and it makes it difficult when you realize how estranged Umbridge was from her family. The killer chose a perfect time to attack and I really like that you used "Un-sub", a lot of people might not be familiar with that term but I'm interested in getting into law enforcement soon so I thought it was a nice touch. This really does leave me wondering about what might happen next though...I hope you'll re-request!

Okay, I liked both your Harry and Ron, I thought they seemed mature but still a bit silly. I'm sure you can develop them a bit further later but as of right now, I think that they make a good team and I'm glad to see that they're dedicated to their job.

Ginny came off as honest, supportive and understanding, which is refreshing when it comes to her character for these sort of stories. I usually see her being a bit TOO fiery and that can get a bit daunting. Hahahah.

Anyway, good chapter! Thanks for the read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi Gabbie!

Don't apologize! That was really quick, and I didn't expect the review so soon, to be honest.

I love writing in second person. People have told me that it's surprising when I DON'T write in it. :P So it's great to know that it's effective. I thought it would help the reader connect to the killer as well, and kind of understand what his/her thoughts are.

I'm trying to make this as realistic as possible, with the exception of the fantasy element of course. :P I think people don't do justice to the relationship between Harry and Ginny. The books don't focus too much on it, and the movies make Ginny seem really shallow. But from what I can gather from canon, Ginny is a wonderful person and they have a good, understanding relationship.

It makes sense for aurors to use such language, so I thought I should include it. If people don't understand, they'll learn when they read. :) Oh wow, law enforcement. I hope that works out for you!

I wanted Harry and Ron to be mature adults, but still retain the goofy boyishness of their friendship. I'd love to know what you think as the story progresses.

Thank you for such a great review! I'll definitely be re-requesting. :)

~Erin


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Review #24, by MargaretLane A mistake

27th August 2014:
Hmm, the reporter seems a bit Rita Skeeter like in a way. After all, this requires rather different skills than the defeat of Voldemort. OK, Harry and Ron have solved mysteries, but defeating Voldemort wasn't a question of figuring out who he was.

I suspect Marietta as a future victim. If I am right about it being something to do with people who could be considered traitors in some way, she looks a possible victim.

Isn't Old Bill a nickname for the police force in England?

And hmm, I wonder what is going on with Harry.

Hmm, Greyback doesn't really fit with my theory about betrayers. He was never trusted by the Order or the Ministry.

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Review #25, by mymischiefmanaged It begins with pink

27th August 2014:
Review Swap :)

Okay, I'm going to start with the things I LOVED:

1. Ginny. You got her spot on and wonderfully real. Her attempts to find something nice to say about Umbridge made me laugh, and her love for Harry is wonderful. Lots of post-Hogwarts writers seem to forget how brilliantly feisty and funny Ginny is in the books, replacing her with a soppy girl who dreams of true love and doesn't have a personality beyond Harry. You're so so far from falling into that trap and I adore your Ginny. I know she's not featured much in this chapter but everything I read on her here was just amazing.

2. Gawain Robards. I just really like when authors slip in little bits of canon and keeping him as a senior auror was an effective way to do this.

3. The mewling of the cat pictures, and Ron's silencing of them all (incidentally, Ron is also fabulously in character - I can see that his and Harry's friendship is going to be really well written).

4. The fabulous chapter title. It had me knowing I was going to enjoy this before I even started it, so congrats.

And then a few things to potentially work on:

1. I wonder whether you might be able to give Umbridge a little more characterisation at the beginning to bring her closer to the woman we see in the books? This isn't a problem (she's definitely not out of character), but you wrote Harry/Ron/Ginny so brilliantly that I think you could definitely work your magic and do the same with Umbridge.

2. I'd quite like just a little bit of physical description of Pamela and Gawain, who we don't know from the books. It would be great to learn a bit more about them here if they're going to feature more later on. Just a thought, and again this is in no way essential.

3. And then I found a couple of tiny grammar/wording problems: '"There would be loads of people whod have wanted to do her in," Ron said' reads a bit strangely - perhaps 'must be loads of people'? Also 'It was four years since Umbridge spoke to her parents' should maybe be 'It had been four years since Umbridge had spoken to her parents'. These are absolutely minor things and didn't disrupt the flow of the chapter at all, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Overall, I loved this. It's really caught my interest and make me want to read on to find out what happened, which is definitely a good sign for a first chapter. It seems like your plot's going to be really well thought through and your writing style is great. Personally, I struggle a bit reading second person and might prefer the opening to be written in third person with 'he' or 'she' to keep the killer a mystery, but I'm sure you have your reasons for choosing second person and, as I said, this is really just a personal preference.

Absolutely wonderful opening chapter. I'm really glad to have seen your swap!

Much love,

Emma x

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