Reading Reviews for We Are One
  
82 Reviews Found

Review #1, by missatron It begins with pink

23rd January 2015:
Hi there! This is Missy here for our review swap. I decided to read this story because it looked intriguing.

First of all, I'd like to say how much I love reading murder mysteries. That's why I chose this story. It is full of them!

I liked how at the start, it was written in the second person, and gave us a tiny flash of the murder. It was good because it built up tension for the actual murder itself. I liked this because it grabbed me in and didn't let go. The subtle hints about Umbridge were all very well written too. Even the chapter title was 'It begins with pink', which made me think of Umbridge. To be honest, I'm not that sad about her death (it sounds mean, but she really was horrible). Really, there are so many characters who could have killed her - she was very unpopular.

I think that the only thing that could use a bit of work is your characterisation. So, using Harry, Ron and Ginny, it's pretty easy to describe their personalities, as it has already been done for you. You need to describe what they look and feel like: are they sad? Do they look energetic? What have they just been doing? Etc. try to make the characters look 3D in the reader's head, as well as your head. I hope that helped you.

Overall, this was a great read! I absolutely loved this opening chapter. Hopefully, I'll come back for more soon,

Missy ♥

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Review #2, by horcruxxx Answers - Round One

7th January 2015:
I really hope you post next chapter soon, it's very addicting and very nice to read :)
and I admire anyone who can write a good mystery story, I think it's harder than any other genre.

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Review #3, by horcruxxx Bitterly Truthful

7th January 2015:
Your story is very interesting, great idea and well written.
And this chapter was great, you impressed me with how you thought everything through. Especially the part when you figured out the entire procedure to take Veritaserum (two witnesses and all).
Can't wait to read more :)

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Review #4, by Freddie Answers - Round One

7th January 2015:
Write I have know what is going on. Make Ron stronger personality , not wimp.

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Review #5, by Freddie Chocolate and bubbles

6th January 2015:
Is Robard or harry the killer? Keep writing.

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Review #6, by Fredd Sunshine, stay

6th January 2015:
I enjoy your style of writing.

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Review #7, by Freddie It begins with pink

6th January 2015:
Nicely done, I want to read more.

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Review #8, by crestwood Revealed

24th December 2014:
Hi Erin!

I can't believe who the killer is!! Or should I say looks to be--there's always a chance that you're tricking us. After all, there are ways to look like another person in the Wizarding world.

There's something special about the way you describe Robards for some reason. I like the language you use when talking about his physical appearance.

This conversation makes me think that maybe she did do what they're thinking of, but she's not alone, maybe? If she's working as a part of something bigger, that would make this that much more interesting. I can't wait to see where you go with all of that. It's clear you've got a good grip of where you want to go with this story, so I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride.

I've always really liked the idea of the Hog's Head. I was super excited when it became important in Deathly Hallows. It's just kind of a cool place.

Okay, Old Bill's identity was unexpected, but awesome. He's always been one of my favorite characters. So cool, in his own reserved way. This new name makes a lot of sense for him to do because of how much he hates publicity. Although, his words make me believe that there's something he's not telling Harry. Very interested in what will be revealed in coming chapters. This was excellent, I'll be back soon!

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Review #9, by TheHeirOfSlytherin It begins with pink

23rd December 2014:
Hey! Sam here.

Harry and murder/mystery. My two favorite things. :D

This was definitely an intriguing start. I especially love the use of second person for the murderer (who is canon? *brain starts turning with suspects*). Second person is perfect for creepy, in my opinion, and this guy - or girl? - is definitely creepy.

Umbridge got what was coming to her. But I am very excited to find out why this particular person wanted her dead enough to actually kill her.

I'm so excited for this story and I can't wait for more!

Sam.

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Review #10, by Aphoride Broken Pieces

16th December 2014:
Hey there - stopping by for the BvB Review Battle! :)

Oh no, I actually liked Dung! :( Pretty disappointed that it happened to him - though I kinda expected it after the last chapter. Still... :(

I like how the murders are so varied - they're all connected, and done with some similarities between them, but none of them are completely identical. As a set-up, it reminds me a lot of Jack the Ripper in London, you know, with the different places and situations and things. It's so great! Plus, I love all the images of the Aurors trying to work out what's going on and who's doing it.

With the connection - ooh, they all seem to be people who've hurt Harry, or led to Harry being hurt or nearly being hurt/killed... hm... maybe that's it... in which case, I guess Draco Malfoy should be worried :P Not sure who else could be a victim or why anyone would be that dedicated to protecting Harry's life like that... hm...

All the little canon details in here are so good. I loved how Hermione kinda barged her way into the case as well, haha - seems like something she'd do! And how Ron asked her to lunch randomly, how Hagrid was buying repellant down in Knockturn Alley like in CoS ;)

I feel so sorry for all the Aurors, getting so tired and so stressed with things... such a difficult case, and one which would go high-profile quickly, too, so people would be complaining about it not getting sorted out quickly enough and everything...

I'm so so curious to see what happens next! If there's another murder, so soon, or if they get a break and time to think about it, what happens when they interview Hagrid, if they get to interview Emerson and just, well, everything. The killer's bits are so creepy, too - like, well-intentioned, in a way, and that just makes it worse, you know?

So yeah, I'm so hooked on this story, still. Love it! :)

Aph xx

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Review #11, by Aphoride Bitterly Truthful

11th December 2014:
Hi there - dropping by again for BvB! :D It really does give me such a good excuse for coming back to this story *shoves Constitutional Law back under her bed* ;)

I really love how you're developing this so carefully - it's so thought-out and so planned, you know, like the murders themselves, it's almost eerie in that sense, but it suits the story so well! There's this lovely layer to this too - this sort of feeling that at any moment anything could happen. All we know is that the murderer has black hair, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything - this is world with Polyjuice and all sorts of things... You just make me so on edge for this, and it's so good! :)

Your characterisation again is so on point, with Ron and Harry and the rest of them, but I kinda wanna talk about the murderer a bit. It's just so good and so clever of you, because even though you're writing them in second person, so it feels very familiar in that sense, it doesn't because I genuinely have no idea who it could be. Somehow, you're writing in second person and there's no clues. Nothing at all. Not even a potential hint. It's amazing. Truly. (Even though it is a little infuriating, coz I wanna know! Haha!).

The only thing I'd say is that the Veritaserum questioning (and I'm only saying this coz you asked about it :P) seems a bit too... easy to me? I dunno, it's meant to be this thing where you say what you mean, what you feel, without thinking, without filtering, and the scene doesn't quite convey that to me? It's just my opinion, though, I don't know about others...

As always, your writing is lovely. It's so concise and I'm so jealous of your ability to do that - to pack so much action into so few words without skimping on the quality of them. It's amazing.

I'm so, so curious to know what happens next. You've left so many little threads hanging - with the black hair, Pamela meeting the murderer, the list of suspects... just everything. I really have no idea what's going to happen next and it's such a good feeling for this type of story! :)

(Also, is it weird that I kinda hope Mundungus Fletcher doesn't die? I always kinda liked him, haha)

So yeah, I'm still loving this story - it's so good! :)

Aph xx

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Review #12, by Veritaserum27 Revealed

8th December 2014:
Hi there Erin!

I'm here for the BvB battle and I'm so excited that I've managed to catch you!

Holy cow. Well - I was really surprised that you started this chapter differently than the others. There is no murderer's POV in the beginning. But I think it is fitting - leaving us with that cliffhanger from the last chapter - it made sense to start this one off where that left us hanging...

I really feel for Harry and Ron. They seem both exhausted and exasperated. A curly-haired girl? That makes me thing Hermione! She's just a clever enough witch to be able to pull all of this off. She's also very adept at disguises (I'm thinking of how she disguised Ron during DH), so she could easily change her appearance to have a different colored hair or facial features (like marks).

But the marks on the face also make me thing Lavender Brown - who definitely had a score to settle with Greyback and may be part werewolf herself. Hmmm... As usual, you've completely stumped me.

And Old Bill is Aberforth! Completely Genius! He was the glue that held together the entire order during DH and he is still making connections for Harry between the underworld and the Ministry. I love Aberforth's character and I think you've captured it perfectly here.

I'm very curious about his warning. Will Harry need to heed Ab's words at some point? Or will he need to use them for someone else? OH! I just don't know!

Great writing! Keep it up!

♥ Beth

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Review #13, by Aphoride Chocolate and bubbles

5th December 2014:
Hey there! Spotted you in the BvB battle and couldn't resist coming by again :P

I loved the slip of normalcy with Harry, Ron and Hermione - seeing them doing something not to do with the murders (though the whole thing with the pov switch to you was a bit creepy... made me think of possession/Imperius Curse style stuff, like with Tom Riddle's diary, you know?) was so nice. It was so sweet - and toddler!James was just too adorable. Blowing out the candles and getting upset when he couldn't... n'awww. He's so well written, too - and children are hard to write!

I liked how you gave us the first idea of a suspect, with Emerson's name coming up. It's so interesting, with him being a nasty guy anyway, to see how he'll fit into it all. (Though, tbh, I'm surprised if he was charged for experiments on house-elves, he wasn't watched or tagged somehow or something, but I guess the wizarding world has a very old-fashioned idea of justice!)

I'm still amazed by how easily you write the canon characters in this, especially the trio and Luna. Frankly, the idea of writing them terrifies me, so I find it so incredible how you're writing them in a full novella as main cast. They're all so perfectly written; you capture the little things about them, like how Hermione's kinda bossy at times, how Ron gets tired/bored when not doing interesting things... Luna's never-ending cheeriness. It's so good! :)

As always, your writing in this is lovely. So smooth and clean, and your dialogue is so great! :)

That last scene was so creepy. I have no idea who it could be... Shacklebolt, maybe? Emerson? I don't know! :( Gah, cliffhangers... so annoying :P

I will be back... :D

Aph xx

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Review #14, by Forever_More Bitterly Truthful

2nd December 2014:
Something weird is going on with Harry, my opinion!

What a great story! It pulled me in by the first sentence and it's hard not to continue reading chapter after chapter until there's no more left :D! I'm a sucker for a good mystery and this one is amazing!!

Author's Response: I don't even know how to respond to this. You made my day, thank you so much. :)

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Review #15, by Forever_More It begins with pink

2nd December 2014:
Loving this first chapter, it definitely pulls you in. I really enjoyed the two different point of views, it reminds me of a mystery/crime movie. Definitely intriguing!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this totally unexpected, amazing review! It's really encouraging and I'm working on the newest chapter now. :D I hope you like how things turn out!

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Review #16, by BitterSweetFlames It begins with pink

2nd December 2014:
Hello, darling. I'm here for the BvB Review battle.:) I just thought, well you've reviewed me twice for it already so I was determined to read something of yours so here I am.

So, I went for this one because it's a murder story and I love love love reading them (even if I am awful at writing them. No, I really am. haha)

First off, the second person works really well. Normally, I find the reading of it a little off but the use of it as the narrative for your murderer is brilliant because normally people use first person but yours is effective because it's cold and creepy and, well, detached -- which works because it leaves you wanting to know more. So, I want to know more.

Next, I love all the little things you put in Auror scenes. First off, Harry and Ginny's interaction just seems so perfect. Harry, exhausted, poking Ron on the head. Just so perfect.

I think the whole thing with the investigation and the questioning was great because as with the real world you never get anywhere fast (and this means we get more murders. -whistles-)

So, yes, this was a super intriguing start. I'm going start stalking you in the BvB now. Just so you know. lol

--C

P.S. Cats. Ugh, that must have been horrible to hear. Ron is right. Umbridge is mad.

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Review #17, by Veritaserum27 Spotted

1st December 2014:
Hi there!

I'm here for the December BvB review battle.

Okay - WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?! How are there three chapters of this that I haven't read and reviewed. I solemnly swear that I will use this months battle to catch up on this story!

Now on to the proper review. Now I'm even more angry at myself because THIS CHAPTER WAS SO GOOD! I'm seriously in awe at your ability to keep the identity of the murderer so cleverly hidden. I seriously have no idea who it could be. I was totally thinking Harry, then Ginny, then Harry again - I even thought it was Hermione at one point, but I really have no idea!

Whoever it was is an extremely powerful witch or wizard. To be able to kill Greyback from that distance has got to take some talent. Whoever the killer is, they've got to have some sort of mark on their face from Greyback's attack. Maybe that will help me figure it out.

I love your version of Ron. It seems fitting that he would berate himself and try to quit because he let Emerson get away. Even while Harry is bleeding profusely, Ron is wallowing in his own weakness - haha! I love it.

And the letter - What does it say?! I have to know.

Thanks so much for writing this story!

♥ Beth

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Review #18, by Aphoride Sunshine, stay

1st December 2014:
Hey there - stopping by for BvB! :)

You know, it's been far too long since I last read this story, like a month or something, but I had to come back to it! Even without reading it, I still remember it and remember how much I wanna know who it is!

Okay, first things first - I have to admit that I did not see that coming. I mean, obviously there was always going to be a second death, but I didn't think it would be so soon! It's only the second chapter! And wah, poor Luna - she's really had a pretty hard lot in this so far... though I love how you showed her strength and amazing ability to sort of drift through things without letting them seem, at least, to bog her down - as well as bringing out that startling honest side of her a lot of people forget about at times. She's such a difficult character to write and you do her so well in this!

I love how you're building it up slowly but surely - with the hair going missing, and someone in the Ministry clearly involved, the insight from the killer which tells us they are in the Ministry, possibly even an Auror if they're watching Robards... it's such a creepy sort of thing, you know, the idea that the murderer is that close to them, that they know everything which is going on... freaky.

The details in this are brilliant, as always. They really make this story come alive: all the little mentions of Cornish Pixie earrings, Luna's paintings, the letters... it just builds this picture so clearly in my head - the description, too, is gorgeous. It's so great! :)

So yeah, I'm still loving this story - I'm so impatient to know who the killer is, haha! It's only two chapters in and I just wanna know what's going to happen... but that's your fault, really. You and your great writing ;)

I can't leave it so long before I come back... :)

Aph xx

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Review #19, by MargaretLane Answers - Round One

1st December 2014:
Uh, I'd really like to be able to make a guess at the villain here, but I am completely stuck. Maybe this chapter will provide some answers.

Yikes, Umbridge is evil. And I can totally understand his feeling he had no choice other than to do what she wants. It's hard when you're afraid of putting somebody you love at risk.

I don't really think he's the villain though. He could be involved, but even if he is, I suspect there's somebody behind him. Maybe it's because of the title of the chapter - "round one", which indicates there is more to find out or maybe it's because he doesn't really seem SIGNIFICANT enough. Or devious enough. Of course, it COULD be an act, but somehow I don't really see him as a master criminal.

Yeah, I'm inclined to believe he was worried he'd get in trouble because of what Umbridge made him do. It makes sense.

I wonder if the house elf experiments are the key to this. Mundungus could easily have been paid to do something for it and Macnair OF COURSE would be likely to be involved in something like that. Greyback MIGHT be too - it's hard to know. I can't see Lovegood being involved though. He'd be more likely to be the one to blow the lid on a story like that.

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Review #20, by Aphoride It begins with pink

6th November 2014:
Hey there! I thought I'd drop by on this one, rather than your Jenna Matthews story, since that one's going through edits, so I hope that's okay! :)

You should know straight off that I adore murder mysteries. Like, properly, properly love them. To bits. So I was so excited to drop by on this - I couldn't resist it, especially when I've heard such good things about it!

I love how you start with a little flash of the murderer, and the build-up to the murder itself. It's such an intriguing way to start - not the normal sort of way, I think - and it really just pulls me into the story, without any effort at all. All the little hints and things about Umbridge were great, too - I loved the cats on plates on the walls, the pink colour everywhere, and yet the sort of memory the murderer obviously had of her being so cruel and so wicked. I have no idea who the murderer could be either - there really are so many characters who hated her! :P

Your characterisation is so good, too - I loved how you portrayed Ron and Harry in this, going about the crime scene, getting called into work so early/being so tired and all... it really highlights the non-glamorous aspect of an Auror's life, you know? But they were all great - I loved Ginny's comment after she found out about Umbridge, it was so in-character for her, and the little mentions of Harry putting her bump and stroking her hair were lovely.

The only thing I could say is maybe when you have more fluid senses, like sounds and smells and things, introduce them a bit earlier? Like, it seemed a bit sudden for Ron to hear the cats - the sound would have been there all along - so mentioning a faint noise, or that it gets louder or something, would make it a bit less static. But that's really a minor thing ;)

Your writing is so lovely - I love the way you shift your dialogue to suit each character, and the way you put I so many little details, like the Auror-speak (Un-Sub and 1200 hours), and the little character things you put in there.

Your plot is just amazing, though - I'm so, so curious to know what's happened, who's done it, what's going to happen next. Even though this isn't on a cliffhanger, it essentially is, because you've made me want to know so much more! :)

I'm going to have to try and follow you during the Review Battle or something :P

Aph xx

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Review #21, by wolfgirl17 It begins with pink

5th November 2014:
Hey Erin,

Woflgirl17 here with your review.

My guess at the killer is Hermione (using hair dye) or maybe even Harry himself or perhaps Cho. But I suspect I'm projecting my own Dark Hermione idea for the Saints and Sinners challenge.

Anyway, onto the review.

Overall, I like the chapter. It's a good start and builds a foundation for the rest of the story to come. I was surprised at first by the way you began in second person, simply because not very many people favor it. I'm assuming you've done so in order to keep the gender of the killer from us to prolong that feeling of being on tenterhooks as we ponder who it might be.

Your characterization could use a little work, to be honest. I mean, we all know and love Harry, Ron and Ginny, but I often find that knowing the characters so well can sometimes lead to laziness in characterizing them for each individual story. I know I'm a shocker for it. They could use a little work, because so far all you've given us in regard to them is that Harry is overworked and tired, Ginny is pregnant and disapproving on Harry always working, and all we got from Ron was that he was bored. Maybe just try to breathe a little more life into them so that they feel more 3D for us, you know? It will improve the quality of your writing and really put the reader right into the story the way JK always managed. Your goal is to make the reader feel completely transported into the story, so much so that the cat falling asleep on the keyboard in RL should go unnoticed. =)

I think that's really the only thing I can find for this chapter that could use a little work though. The plot you're developing is good and the flow is fast-paced but believable. You've got a solid foundation to build the rest of the story on, and I have to admit I'm intrigued to find out who the killer is and what their motives are. (I'm still banking on Hermione or maybe Cho??)

I see what some of your past reviewers mean too about the way you so easily kill off characters (I stalked your profile on the forums). YOu definitely have a gift for crafting character death. Which is rare. I can barely even stand to put them through emotionally troubled times more often than not, hence my sticking to straight fluffy romance mostly. But I'm sure that if this keeps up you'll definitely be the next G.R.R.M, slashing and dashing the lives of characters we love and hate alike with swift keystrokes sharper than an assassin's blade!

Let me know if you want me to keep reviewing the following chapters. I hope I've been helpful and you're not sitting there thinking "What drivel!". Keep up the good work!

xx-Wolfgirl17

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Review #22, by MargaretLane Revealed

1st November 2014:
Hmm, I'm not entirely convinced about Marrietta Edgecombe. The part about the "gruff voice" seems to imply that even if she is involved, there's somebody else behind her. *reads on*

Did you mean the nickname "Old Bill" as a reference to the police?

Hmm, there's clearly more to be reveled here. Whether Marietta is guilty or not, there is clearly more to this. Aberforth knows something. I doubt he'd get involved in murder himself, but he clearly has some information he's not revealing. Hmm.

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Review #23, by crestwood Spotted

15th September 2014:
NO!! This CAN'T be the last chapter! Of course, the last posted chapter is just as we're seemingly about to find out.. of course. Ah! Please update really really soon, I'm practically begging.

This is one of the better stories on the archives. If there was any more categories left that this applied to, I'd nominate it for a Dobby. This is supremely suspenseful and every chapter has built upon the foundation of the last.

I wonder if the fact that Greyback clawed their face will cause them to have any lasting wolfish tendencies like Bill experienced. I still cannot believe that they, injured, decided to come and kill Greyback, although now I do understand why at least. He saw who they are. This is huge because the Ministry now has this information and they've messed up big time. I can't imagine the kind of things they'll get into next.

The chase scene with Emerson was amazing. You gave such good description during it and really placed the reader in the middle of the action. He looks incredibly suspicious, but I still hold that I do think he is actually the murderer, but by the looks of things he IS guilty of some other crime. His last minute apparation was unexpected. I thought they'd bring him in with no problem. This case just seems to be doing a number on them.

Beginning the next section with "I resign" was pretty shocking. Of course, it was just Ron kind of exaggerating, but shocking nonetheless.

Also, the prose in this is beautiful. "The room sunk back into the silence that had been its only untroubled occupant for the past hour." THIS LINE. IS. EVERYTHING.

"his esteem had shattered and crumbled, and now lay on the floor in a pool of his blood" I mean, how?

I just love this. It's only getting better and better the more I read. I am so impressed with everything here. The characterization, the mood, the writing itself. It all works together. And you're keeping such a steady pace, with such a gripping mystery and revealing clues at just the right moments and giving us that amazing second person point of view and this is just coming together. I've added it to my favorites, so the next time I see an update, I'm jumping on it. Thank you for your request!

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Review #24, by crestwood A mistake

15th September 2014:
The excerpt from the Prophet was so perfect. You really nailed the way that paper is written. Their digs at the 'weary-looking Robards' and questioning of why Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world can't catch this killer is so snarky and underhanded. Perfect for what we've seen of their brand of journalism.

Harry and Ron's laughing fit was so great! I like the way their friendship is depicted here. They're still best friends just like they were as kids and that scene just hit all of the marks.

I want to know who in the world this Old Bill is. Hmmm..

With the murder of McNair, even if it wasn't planned, the killer still has only targeted those who have wronged Harry in some way. I believe McNair tried to attack Harry in the Battle of the Department of Mysteries.

I don't know what kind of deranged person decides that they're going to target and kill Greyback of all people, but this murderer has their hands full.

So, we do have some clues here. I just can't seem to assemble them into a viable suspect yet. I'm going to be so excited when this is all revealed because it honestly has me completely stump as of now. Another great chapter!

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Review #25, by crestwood Broken Pieces

15th September 2014:
I am really in awe of this killer's resolve. He/She's just murdering people left and right. I was very surprised about some of the things they said to Dung. They seemed to hate him just because they thought he was a bad person. (coming from a serial killer) Their anger at his abandoning of Mad Eye was shocking, but not even close to how surprising it was that they were angry about his actions leading to trouble for Harry...

So, supposedly, this person does not hate Harry, but wants him protected from people who have done bad to him? That would fit so far.. Umbridge treated him terribly, Xeno Lovegood betrayed him and Dung got him into trouble with Yaxley. Which opens up even more possible suspects.. I might even be way off. It's hard to tell. This is just so awesome.

Having Hagrid in Knockturn alley buying flesh eating slug repellent (I assume) was an awesome reference to canon!

I don't believe that Emerson did it. I think that's one of the suspects that's supposed to throw us off of the trail of the real killer. I can't wait to see what Hagrid has to say when Harry and Ron talk to him. With the sort of shady bunch he hangs around, he occasionally has some useful information. This story is just picking up more and more. Not much CC to offer here, I'm afraid.

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