Reading Reviews for Lucky Penny
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by keyty Disappearing Act

18th April 2014:
Wow! This was so original. It kind of reminds me of River and the Doctor, but this is more interesting. Her comings and goings aren't deliberate, which makes her presence more intriguing. Oh, I wish this wasn't a one shot! This would be wonderful to read in a longer format. (You should think about that ;) I think this was a really interesting interpretation of the prompt, and it led to something wonderful. I just wish there was more of it! :)

Author's Response: Lol. I actually used her as inspiration. +] I'm glad you enjoyed it! I have been rising around the idea... maybe after I get a few my chapters for my current WIP I'll redo it. Thanks for taking the time to review!

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Review #2, by UnluckyStar57 Disappearing Act

18th April 2014:
Hoppy Eggstravaganza! :D

WHAT?!?! This is such a cool/frustrating story!!!

It reminded me of the Eleventh Doctor and River Song's relationship, but I definitely shipped Al and Penny harder within the first few paragraphs than I ever shipped the Doctor and River. I don't know why, but I like Al and Penny's dynamic much more, even if it is so sad. :( :)

A time-turner baby? I've never heard of that before. It's such a sad concept!! Because her mother played with the laws of time, Penny can never have a life that takes place in consecutive order. I wonder where she goes when she disappears? It's so incredibly sad that Al can only have her for a few hours/days/minutes before she disappears again. :/

So this story made me pretty sad, but it also made me happy. At least I know from Penny's information that she and Al will encounter each other in the future. :) Also, your writing is so beautiful--how could I be sad to read it? I love your use of descriptions, like Penny's red lips and yellow ice cream. It's very vivid.

Brilliant story! I wish it were longer and that they could figure out some way to fix it all. :}

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Ha ha! I love that you say it reminds you of River Song, she was my inspiration for Albus. Henry from the time travelers wife was a great help with Penny. +]

I like to think it's a happy story, but it definitely is a bitter sweet type thing. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Vivid is good! I really wanted Penny to seem bright, so that makes me happy.

Thank you so much for such an awesome review!


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Review #3, by academica Disappearing Act

18th April 2014:
Hey there, here with your requested review!

Okay, this s a really interesting story! It made me think of "The Time Traveler's Wife," which I really enjoyed, and I liked this, too. I love the back story you created as to why Penny keeps fading in and out, and I also felt that the emotion displayed by Albus in response to Penny was realistic and intriguing. You used such beautiful words to describe it all, like this:

Since then, I have waited for her comings and goings with a yearning close to desperation, only infinitely sweeter.

I also love your summary. Gorgeous.

I think first person works well here, because it really puts the reader in Albus's shoes. You really gain a better understanding of how confusing and alluring Penny is to him. I also think this works well as a next gen. I don't think I would have suspected that it was your first time trying either of them if you hadn't told me already.

I see you've added some material to this story (I think, anyway, judging by the word count) since you posted your request, so I don't know if you still want my opinion on cutting/adding stuff. Anyway, I didn't really see anything that I thought needed to be taken out or added in. You've got a nice love story with enough time points to tell it completely without exceeding your word limit. Of course, if you wrote this for a challenge, you could always go back later and write more little vignettes to extend the story once the challenge is over and you have a freed-up word count. Just an idea, though.

Great work! Hope this review is helpful :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: I actually used Henry as inspiration for Penny, and River Song from Doctor Who for Albus +]

I'm so relieved to hear that his responses were realistic! That's something I always strive for, so it's nice to know I've succeeded.

Summaries are hard. Lol. I've taken to just using edited excerpts.

I was thinking about adding more to this after the challenge. Lol. I love the idea of it all.

Thank you so much for looking this over for me. I had to edit a little out, so it's a little less descriptive. I'm just not quite some with yet, and this has helped.


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Review #4, by Veritaserum27 Disappearing Act

12th April 2014:
Hi!

Here for BvB review battle!

This was so creative! I saw the prompt in the inter house challenge and I could have never come up with such a great idea. Your words flowed so beautifully throughout the entire piece. I love it when someone takes the basics of magic as given to us by J.K. and completely brings it to another level.

In addition, your handling of the relationship between Albus and Penny was so sweet. Their friendship means so much to them, that they take what they can get from each other

Great job, I really enjoyed it!

Beth

Author's Response: I'm glad it wasn't too far fetched. Lol. I've been rising around the idea of a time turner baby, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

First person isn't my strong suit, and this is my first storytelling style, so I'm glad it reads smoothly.

Thanks for the review!


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Review #5, by kenpo Disappearing Act

11th April 2014:
Hey! Here for our swap! (I think I said "in an hour" about three hours ago... whoops!)

I thought this was really sweet, and a really interesting idea. The idea of somebody being forced to travel through time is really interesting, and pretty sad. It sort of reminded me a cross between The Time Travelers Wife (which I've never actually seen, but based on the trailers) and Dr. Who. I'm not saying that you copied or anything, because I still think it's a really original idea. That's just what I was reminded of.

Some of my favorite lines were:

It wasn't a midget named Abigail too disappointed to stick around. It was Penny, too unlucky to stay.

I think meeting her there in that little shop, surrounded by pickled eel eyes and toad spleens, was the most normal first encounter she'd experienced.

She talked with her hands a lot, her bright yellow ice cream clinging to the edge of its cone.

I think one of my favorite parts was when he described his worry about meeting a Penny that didn't know him. I can understand his fear, and while it's sweet, it's also fairly sad.

But you're good at sad, aren't you?

I think Al's devotion to his quirky time-turner baby is sweet. I think I've said "sweet" many times, because I didn't get a feeling of passion from it, more of just... a sweetness. Like ice-cream.

I don't see a problem with that sweetness, but if you aiming for the reader to feel this sense of undying passionate love... that's not exactly what you ended up with.

A place that was a little confusing was when she asked if he knew what happened to people who didn't follow the Ministry's rules. For a while, I thought that she was being punished by the Ministry, which didn't make much sense to me. Once I got to where you explained about her mother, I understood it, but until then it seemed a little off.

I really enjoyed your description of her hair (impossibly white). I also think that the beginning, with Rose, did a good job setting up Al's character.

I put in more CC than I usually would in a review because I think that's what you're looking for, but don't think I didn't enjoy this. It was a really nice read, and I loved how you used the prompt. This was very nice, especially considering the time constraint. I need to get working on mine...

-Georgia

Author's Response: Yes! I was really looking for CC thanks! This helps me a lot. Since I have 500 more words to work with, I'll be making changes soon.

Funny you mentioned both the time travelers wife and Dr.Who.That's actually exactly where I got my inspiration from. Time-travelers wife is my favorite book, and I recently got into the doctor. I wanted Penny and Albus's relationship to be a little like River and the doctor, of you know what I mean.

I actually wasn't going for passion this time! I decided to give it a rest and go for something a little less heavy. Sweet works for me!

I love it when people tell me their favorite lines, and the fact you had three makes me feel really great.

I'll try and clear up that ministry bit too!

Thank you so much for swapping with me. +] This has been really helpful. +]


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Review #6, by TidalDragon Disappearing Act

9th April 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your request for a review swap!

I found the concept for your story really intriguing. A time-turner baby! Whoa! I also think you did a very good job writing such a character. Penny seemed an appropriate mix of quirky and sage, which makes sense given here condition.

As for the relationship between she and Albus, I thought the spark developed a little quickly for him and would have liked a little more about their relationship developing before the final paragraph, but his behavior and characterization was touching, especially after his seeming awkwardness in the beginning.

Most importantly, I thought you struck a nice balance between descriptions, internal thoughts, and dialogue that helped the story flow well despite the limited interactions between Albus and Penny.

One thing that could make some of these pieces even stronger is perhaps some more evocative language in the key moments and a deeper exploration of Albus's feelings upon Penny's departures, but overall I felt the story was well done (especially under the time pressure of an inter-house competition), so kudos!

Thanks for sharing!

Author's Response: Thanks for taking me up on the swap! I tend to be very long winded, and wasn't sure how much room I had to work with, since there's a word limit of 2500 and I originally typed it in a notepad type app, so I'll definitely take some try to try and explore his feelings more. Thanks for the CC, that's is really what I'm looking for before I submit it. +]

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