Reading Reviews for Love In Transit
  
10 Reviews Found

Review #1, by DracosGirl012 March 1999

27th May 2014:
Hello! I'm reviewing your entry to my challenge, and may I just say, this is exactly the kind of thing I was hoping for when I started the challenge. Percy/Audrey is one of my favorite pairings, particularly because it's so overlooked, and I think that people forget a lot about Percy. Especially those who've only watched the movies...
Anyway, your story was really cute and fluffy. I can't wait to read more! Personally, I always thought that Audrey was a muggle, so this really did fit perfectly. If I could enter my own challenge, I'd have written a Percy/Audrey as well, but it probably wouldn't have ended up like this one! :)
Thanks again for your entry! The results will be in on May 31st! :)

Author's Response: Hey! Wow, thank you so much. Yeah, Percy/Audrey is definitely one of the most overlooked pairings and even when it isn't, hardly anybody gives either character any depth other than 'annoying family members nobody likes'.
I can't wait for the results to come in, I really loved working on this challenge! So thank you for the opportunity.
- Jess xo


 Report Review

Review #2, by TidalDragon May 1999

15th May 2014:
Hello again!

So, I know you mentioned in your previous A/N that the fic would only be 2-3 chapters (Oh challenges...), but I did think things felt a little rushed here. I think the main reason for this is not the arc so much, but maybe the fact that the speed of this chapter presents such a sharp contrast to the patience in the previous one. The relationship felt a bit rushed to me too though, in that Audrey was in love after six weeks (even as a college student) and that Percy revealed his family (not to mention wizarding society) to her so quickly.

The strength of the chapter though could also be found in the contrast with the previous one. While last chapter showed a lot of how Audrey would fill in "gaps" in Percy, this one dedicated a lot of focus to how despite their differences they were actually quite complementary with their shared thirst for knowledge and love of learning being the prime example.

All around a good read and an interesting take on the two characters! Thanks for sharing!

Author's Response: Hello to you again, too!

Yes, I did write in my previous author's note that it was going to be a short fic. I really wish I had the time to extend it but I just don't, unfortunately. I have had a few reviewers tell me that they think this chapter is a little rushed so I would love to go back and rectify this when I have time time. Maybe not so much the things that happen, but I think a lot of their actions could do with more explanation through internal monologue and dialogue etc so that it is clearer for readers to understand why I have made the decisions I've made.

Thank you so much for both the CC and strengths - every review helps so much! I said it last response but I'll say it again anyway: good luck with the SotM!

- Jess xo


 Report Review

Review #3, by TidalDragon March 1999

15th May 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by to R&R before voting in the Story of the Month poll!

So you're taking on a character (two really I suppose) who NEVER get any play - Percy and Audrey.

Right off the bat I'm intrigued by your decision to make Audrey a Muggle. The way I think you're setting it up, I think it might work for Percy, though I'll admit that as attached to gaining respect in his own society as Percy seems, I've never imagined Audrey being non-magical.

Nevertheless, you developed her character pretty well over the beginning of the chapter, showing subtly how she might be exactly what Percy needs what with her "rebelling" against her parents. She also seems to come from an opposite family background from him - he from an occasionally over-protective mother (and family) and her from one that can't seem to be too bothered with her (her mother anyway).

My biggest question from this initial chapter is what draws them to notice one another in the shop (Percy seems to have noticed her first)? So you've got the hook in me there.

As far as the writing itself, you have a different style than many I have seen. You occasionally use some 'flares' of more soaring language and imagery, but your writing is very up-front and down-to-earth (at least in this piece). I'm interested to see if it continues throughout, or whether you feel my observations really reflect how you think of your own style.

See you next chapter!

Author's Response: Hey! Wow, it was actually this review that alerted me to the fact I'd been nominated for the SotM - so thanks!

Yes, my decision was 100% to try and develop Percy and Audrey some more. They're both so unrepresented in fanfiction - they don't even have their own pairing tag! - so I felt like it was important to provide a little variety where it was needed.

It's always been a personal headcanon of mine that Audrey was a Muggle. I just feel like the dynamic would be best there between both her and Percy. My view on why Percy would not be so bothered about respect in the setting of this fic is that he has become a changed man since the war. I think Fred's death would have had a severe impact on a lot of the ways he thought and acted, so there is your explanation! I know Audrey as a Muggle isn't everybody's cup of tea, but I felt like it would be an original way to portray her :) Also, this was written for DracosGirl012's 'Non Magical Character' Challenge... so there's that too.

Yes! Although it isn't going to be explored in this fic I would imagine the Weasleys to become the family that she never really had.

My answer to your question is pretty simple. What draws them to notice each other? Well, it's pretty much just themselves. I don't know about you - or anyone else for that matter - but I regularly visit the same town (like, almost every day) and over a period of time, I've come to realise that I actually notice people I've seen before. For example, I'm pretty friendly with some of the ticket conductors on the train now and me and my friends are always pointing people out we saw the other day. It's just a natural way of life, I guess, and I know that if I frequented a coffee shop a lot I would probably notice if someone else was there all the time too, much like how Percy/Audrey do for each other.

I'm not entirely sure what your observations say about my writing but I am actually pretty sure that's an accurate representation. If anything, it's the way I TRY to write. Authors like John Green have inspired this way of writing because although he doesn't always use the most complex of language, when he doesn't, the imagery and metaphors he uses are astounding.

Thank you so much for the review! And also good luck to you too in the SotM competition.

- Jess xo


 Report Review

Review #4, by randomwriter May 1999

14th May 2014:
Hello :) I'm back for more. I was quite saddened when I saw that this is the end, but nevertheless, your story was great and you told it well in just two simple chapters.

I love Audrey's voice. It's such a fresh tone and there's a tiny bit of humour in there as well. A huge difference that I noticed the voice from the last chapter to this one was that she seemed a whole lot more mature in this. Looks like Percy is rubbing off on her :p

I was right when I said that I could expect a lot of romance and fluff. This was really good and totally fits the WAFF category.

I think that even though Audrey is a muggle and Percy is a wizard, they are well-suited for each other. When it came to your characterisation, you wrote them smartly, as people who would do well in each other's company. For example, Audrey is more spunky than Percy and Percy is more mature and responsible than Audrey and they compliment each other well. Also, they both love learning, which is a nice touch because I can't see Percy dating a woman who doesn't know how to put up with his incessant babbling about trains and trees and whatnot!

I did notice some errors though. I'll point a few of them out, if you don't mind.
- 'he returned the kiss with fever' - Here, fever should be fervour.
-' she must still be accustoming to life - I doubt there exists a word like 'accustoming', but even so, I think 'adjusting' might be a better choice here.
-'as she taped a pen - I hope you mean 'tapped'? :p

There were a couple of other errors, but a quick read through or some help from a beat could easily fix it.

Another issue I had was with regards to the timeline and pacing. We see that in March 1999, Audrey meets him. Does she go through a whole range of emotions in such a short span of time? And merely two months later, they're pretty serious. I usually see this in real life, but over here, we need to look at the fact that Percy is a little bit of an overthinker, and I think that he might have waited a few more months to tell her about the magical world and introduced her to his parents. He probably would have done both these things on separate days as well. I think that if you straighten out the timeline a little, and spread it out a bit, it'll probably be a little more realistic? Just my thoughts :p

Like in the previous chapter, I enjoyed the flow of your story. It really is a pleasure to read when it flows so smoothly. Just fix the grammar, and I'm sure it'll enhance the already great flow a lot more.

Great job. I'm glad I read this and I hope you keep writing :) You tell happy stories well for sure :p

Author's Response: Hey again! Thank you for continuing to read, it means a lot.

Indeed, I would say that Percy has an incredible influence on her ;) I tried to make her voice as interesting as possible whilst still making it fairly mundane. Audrey isn't a 'special' girl and I wanted to try portray this through her narrative, too.

I didn't know what WAFF meant so I just had to look it up, hah! I'm so glad it gave you all those Warm and Fuzzy Feelings hehe.

But yes! You got what I was trying to do with the characterisation completely right. I wanted them to be similiar enough for Audrey to find Percy interesting (because let's face it, not a great deal of us would do) but at the same time I wanted to express more backbone, a more individual woman.

In reference to the errors you pointed out, I went straight back over once this chapter had been validated and re-entered it for validation with revised grammar/spelling mistakes. Oops, I did make a lot didn't I? I swear I read through it several times to check and I didn't notice any either time! Oh well, it should be fixed soon but thanks for noting it anyway!

Damn that pacing again. I really do think when I have the time I'm going to go over and edit the pacing in BOTH chapters just to slow it down a tiny bit. My reasoning for telling Audrey about Percy's world and meeting his parents being on the same day was that - though I didn't include it in the story, unfortunately - he invited her over to dinner and THEN realised there really was no other option but to tell Audrey about magic.

Thanks for the review! It's greatly appreciated and will definitely help me correct some errors/make the story better as a whole.

I will most certainly keep writing.

- Jess xo


 Report Review

Review #5, by randomwriter March 1999

14th May 2014:
Hello :) I saw your status and thought I'd come give this a go! I've seen you around the forums and the Common Room, and I've been looking forward to reading something else :)( I remember reading one of your stories a while ago)

I noticed the name. Was I the one who suggested it on the thread? (Sorry, bit of a proud moment there because I have a tough time with titles :p)

Anyway, onto your story. I think that there aren't too many stories featuring the Percy/Audrey ship and I agree with you that there is a lot of potential there, especially for fluff.

I'v never thought of Audrey as being a muggle, so this was definitely a very interesting take on her character. I am looking forward to reading more about their dynamic with him being a wizard, and her a muggle. He's been through so much and it'll be nice to see how she heals him over time.

This was one of those feel-good stories that make you smile and leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy. I think it was a sweet start to your story and I can't wait to see what you have in store.

I loved the idea of her nanny telling her about the magical world as if it was a fairytale. It was as if she was meant to be in this world from the start. It was a really nice touch, and I thought that it was rather clever on your part.

Apart from the plot and characterisation, which I adored, I love the flow. It goes so well and it's incredibly easy to read. Your language is simple, yet engrossing, and I found that I was able to read it without having to stop and find something that put me off.

The only CC I have for you is the pacing. While this was fine for most part, I found the middle was slightly faster. Her going from sad and angry to irrevocably happy was a little too fast for me. Maybe she was more content? Or just quite please and happy? It's just that your working made me feel like it was too sudden, especially because of the use of the word 'irrevocably;.

That aside, this is a really cute story and I can already see some happy and funny moments coming my way in the next chapter (or I hope so, at least :p). Oh, and naming her nanny Lucy was a nice touch, as was Percy's concern regarding whether she knew him or not. In fact that question spoke volumes about him, his character and state of mind and it set the tone for the story as well. Can't wait for more :)

Author's Response: Hello! Why thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this story - it means a lot. You may well have been the one to suggest it in the forums - I definitely got it from there. Would you like any credit? I forgot to ask! If you do it's not a problem - just drop me a PM on the forums.

Definitely my main decision for this being a Percy/Audrey story was that its such an under-representated ship. They don't even have a pairing tag! I felt like I could do a lot with them in a short space, which I hope I succeeded with. I'm so glad it gives off the impression of a 'feel good' story!

Thank you so much - I felt like it would really set something off if the Wizarding world had been involed from the start. And I also felt like it was a good way to incorporate Lucy into the story without doing so too heavily.

A main thing that I really struggled with in this story was, indeed, pacing. I wanted to tell it in only a few chapters so I was quite scared of how the pacing would come off. I agree though, I definitely think that it could be smoothed out a little better.

I hope the second chapter lived up to your expectations. I've seen you've also left a review for that so I'll go onto answer that now! Thank you so much for the read and lengthy review.

- Jess xo


 Report Review

Review #6, by ScarletEye158 March 1999

11th May 2014:
Hey there, I'm Amanda! We haven't met before, but I've seen you around the forums and I thought I'd stop by and read one of your stories! :)


This was a really great start to your story and I really enjoyed getting to read your version of Audrey. I haven't read much about her, but with all of your descriptions and how well you wrote her character, I feel like I know her really well already!

I really liked the way you started the story with her babysitter, too. It's like the Wizarding World wanted her from the beginning by throwing Lucy into her life and then years later, Percy! And the name Lucy, huh? Do I sense a bit of foreshadowing here? ;)

You've also already created such a nice depth to her, what with her relationship with her babysitter and parents, her financial problems, her roommate, and now the coffee shop and Percy. You seem to write her so effortlessly and I envy you for that!

I'm really excited to see where this story goes and can't wait to hear more about Percy and Audrey's relationship. Please update soon! :)

-Amanda

Author's Response: Why hello! Who know being on the forums would get be a bigger readership, eh? Thank you so much for taking the time to come check me out!

I'm so amazed that you think so highly of the story. Audrey definitely didn't come effortlessly as a character - I had to switch and change a lot of the stuff in the first chapter to make it seem more realistic.

Alas, never fear - the second (and final) chapter is in the queue! You'll find out all about Lucy's name in there ;) It should be up in a day or so by now so.

Thanks again for reading + reviewing!

- Jess xo


 Report Review

Review #7, by simplyshiny March 1999

18th April 2014:
Did I not comment on this already? Please continue! Can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Apparently not? Haha, no worries. Chapter two is in the works and will be up shortly :) Thank you for the review x

 Report Review

Review #8, by Perdryfan March 1999

16th April 2014:
woo! love it! please keep it up!

Author's Response: Thank you so much x

 Report Review

Review #9, by kenpo March 1999

15th April 2014:
Wow. I've never thought about Audrey being a muggle... I think that's a really cool idea.

Also, I want to learn more about her nanny. And her parents. Are they magic? The line about how they have trouble with phones makes me think so... so is Audrey a squib, and her parents are raising her muggle so that she doesn't have to deal with it?

Hmm... and is she inadvertently hanging out in a wizard cafe? Percy seems nice. I like that he thought she had a pretty name. This is a fun pair, and lots of people write it very differently. I'm looking forward to seeing more interaction between them.

Nice first chapter, and really cool idea for a story.

-for the Huffleclaw Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza-

Author's Response: Hello! First of all, thank you so much for the review.

I really love the idea of Audrey as a Muggle too, it's always been a personal headcanon for me so I was glad I managed to begin writing this.

I think (hopefully) her nanny will come into play some more. I named her Lucy for a reason, foreshadowing that she was an important part of Audrey's past as Molly was for Percy: thus, their daughters' names. So sorry if it wasn't clear though - Audrey is 100% Muggle, as are her parents. It's just they don't really /like/ to communicate over the phone. You know how sometimes you get old people that are absolutely useless with phones? Kind of like that.

Also, the café isn't wizard! It's completely Muggle in the centre of London near to the Ministry. That is why Percy is a frequent visitor because he goes there during his breaks.

Thank you again, so so much!

- Jess x

p.s. what is the Huffleclaw Ravenpuff Eggstravaganze, if you don't mind my asking??


 Report Review

Review #10, by MuggleMaybe March 1999

8th April 2014:
Oh, this is has so much cute potential I can hardly stand it! Incidentally, I have always thought it would be cool if Audrey was a Muggle. I love that you set it up that way. And she seems like just my kind of girl, too - a lit course and solace over a cup of coffee! Perfection!
Percy kind of confused me at first when he asked if she knew him, but now I get it. The Weasleys are (in)famous in the wizarding world, so he enjoys being unknown for once. Looking forward to the next chapter! :)
-MM

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for the review.

I have to agree - Audrey as a Muggle has always been a personal headcanon of mine, so when I saw this challenge I knew I'd just have to do it for this pairing.

Thanks for pointing out that bit of Percy's character is a little confusing. I'm going to go back and edit it a tiny bit to make it easier to understand, I think. But yes, you did get the point I was trying to make! He's just glad no one is going to judge him or like him just because of his family's involvement in the war.

Hopefully the next chapter will be about soon.

Thanks again for the review!

-Jess x


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login