Reading Reviews for Upping The Ante
  
27 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Renegade Niffler The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

30th September 2014:
Hi. I'm a touch late with your Gryffie review exchange, but I hope you will forgive that. :)

I love the idea of female beaters! I'm not sure that I've seen that before, and I think it's a refreshing idea. I think the Quidditch world needs more ladies playing that position.

Overall this was a good intro chapter. You did a great job introducing the characters, and weaving that into the flow of the action. Not to mention that they come off as natural, likeable characters, and the team seemed to gel nicely together. Writing a good team dynamic isn't always easy to do.

I also liked the sort of subtle introduction to the betting theme. I think it perfectly sets things up for the rest of the story. Though I'm admittedly just assuming there will be more betting based on your title and (very well written) summary. ;)

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Review #2, by TidalDragon Save A Broom

29th September 2014:
Howdy Lo! It's been awhile, but I'm glad to see you're back around and glad to jump into this story again!

I am enjoying the Marauders Era from a different perspective here. In Potions class we got to see a different side of Lily than in most fics in that time where she is a constant object of affection. I thought you did a good job of making her studiousness and a spot of her temper shine through while brewing the Draught of Living Death. And you did an excellent job with canon going through that receipe too - which you supplemented with era appropriate music!

The Quidditch training was also refreshing. I think it did a great job of showcasing that it IS an actual sport and requires a level of fitness to compete, not just skill. It also made for a nice opportunity to showcase an inventive new charm. Even though it's simple, I liked the Countdown Charm. When I'm writing I'm always awkwardly thinking of how wizards keep track of things like time (aside from an hourglass or something medieval) and this was a neat addition.

Of course, we return to the dynamic between Alexandra and Sirius. The thing I liked most about it was the realism of her not fawning over him or immediately beginning to melt after a few funny exchanges.

I did think Amos Diggory seemed a bit out of place here (I've always pictured him as being older, like Molly and Arthur) and that the atmosphere was a bit light given what's going on in the outside world, but it didn't detract greatly.

If outside obligations don't swallow me whole, I'll carry on once I've met my reviewing debts for my challenge.

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Review #3, by Unicorn_Charm The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

28th September 2014:
Hi there! Here for the swap! :D

Well, I as well, can never resist a good Sirius Black story, so I'm glad that I ended up doing the swap with you. :)

This first chapter was fantastic! The introduction, with Alexandra daydreaming about winning the Quidditch Cup and describing how she felt, being on the pitch again, really grabbed my attention. The characters were all introduced beautifully, even with excitement of the impromptu Quidditch match that came about. And I have to admit, you write Quidditch really, really well. It was funny and a little tense at times. That line about bouncing a dime off of Alex's behind really cracked me up.

Alexandra seems like a great character. She seems pretty laid back and funny. I love how she didn't immediately swoon over Sirius - I mean, I know I would. ;) It definitely makes me want to continue on and see how, and if, their relationship forms and progresses.

I would never expect to see a Ravenclaw say that her marks weren't the most important thing to her. I always assumed that they were all very bookish and obsessed with their grades, to be honest. This is the first time I've read a fic from the perspective of a Ravenclaw, so I can't wait to see how you write the characteristics and dynamics of the members of that house. Already I can see that, at least her group of friends, aren't as smitten with the Marauders as the rest of the school - primarily the Gryffindors - seem to be. Although, I did find their prank pretty funny. :)

I thought this was really interesting and very well written. Definitely something I would be interested in continuing on with! I'm dying to see what happens next.

Thank you for sharing! I really enjoyed this!

xoxo Meg

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Review #4, by Penelope Inkwell Live A Little

28th September 2014:
Hey! Penny here, for our belated/rescheduled review swap!

This chapter made me giggle several times. You have some really cute dialogue. It also reads like people actually talk, which can be tricky to manage, but you seem to have that skill nailed down rather nicely!

"'Rehmulsh Lpngh,' Charlie muttered, ducking her head so as not to look me in the eye.Ē
--Adorable. Iím curious, did you mumble that yourself, like, repeatedly, in order to figure out how it would be spelled?

ďI bloody well said yes, itís flipping Remus Lupin! Do you know how cute he is, and do you know how single I am?Ē
--Bahahaha! This line. Is. Wonderful. Iím laughing right now.

Aw, Alex is so cute and overprotective of Alexandra! I love it : D

You do a really good job in this Quidditch scene. You donít describe everything about it, which is good, since it doesnít seem like the game itself is meant to be the heart of this chapter. But you include just enough to really set the scene, and make us feel like weíre there. Quidditch can be so tricky to right, but you just had it. I was so into it. Like, edge of my seat, BUT IS HE GOING TO MAKE THE SHOT?! WILL REGULUS GET THERE FIRST?! Great job!

Also, I like how you thought through what sort of technical details ĎXandra would be noticing, since sheís a beater, herself. Her take on the game very much reflected the factors her character would be concerned with, which was a good move on your part.

Oh, looking back on it, I guess Amos being super-late was a bit of foreshadowing. Not a very considerate guy. I mean, maybe they werenít exclusive, per say, but still. If youíve just gotten back from a date with someone else, maybe show enough thoughtfulness to not be kissing someone else only a few hours later? Or, at the very least, have some discretion and donít upset/embarrass her by making out with some other chick on the dance floor of a huge party? Maybe? Ugh. Amos.

Looks like it might helps Sirius out, though, so there is that.

---
CC:

This sentence is a bit confusing: "Their not-so-recent antics against anyone of Ďsub-parí magical lineage had escalated in the last few years, and even some of their own were fed up with them.Ē
--How do you mean, not-so-recent? Arenít they recent if theyíve been escalating?

---

Overall, this was just a very fun chapter. I was sad for Alexandra after the whole Amos thing. I honestly did not see that coming so soon--I figured something would happen eventually, but the timing was definitely a twist. Way to keep me on my toes! But, aside from that, everything was fairly fun and light-hearted, and I really enjoyed the tone. Also looking forward to see how things go down with Sirius!

Thanks for swapping with me, Lo! It was a pleasure, as always!

--Penny

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Review #5, by Gabriella Hunter Live A Little

27th September 2014:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and I'm really sorry that I'm so late. I would have gotten to this a lot sooner if I'd had the time but real life was a major pain. :D

So, things seemed to be going pretty well between Amos and Xandra in this chapter. I thought that there was something a little too smooth about him though and I wasn't really counting on him to stick around much. I got the feeling that Alex knew about that too and I was wondering why he wouldn't say anything, I guess he didn't want to hurt Xandra's feelings? What I liked about this chapter was that everyone has little crushes on so and so but things don't work out for all of them. I think that's something a lot of authors don't write very well, they seem to make all of their characters fall in love and stay in love with the same person. That doesn't necessarily happen to everyone at this age so I like what you've done here, it's very realistic. Xandra's girly side of course is adorable and the beginning of this chapter was hilarious, I wonder if they will make that Charms Club though. I would, just to shove it in Amos's face.

Anyway, I really liked all the detail and sub plots you put into the Quidditch game. I thought you wrote it very well and I'm curious to know more about Jackson and Kendra's relationship. I wonder what would happen if they just explored that a little? Hm...

Anyway, nice mention of Regulus in there too, I wonder if we'll see more of him. As usual, Sirius is his charming self and he it seems like he's really going for Xandra this time around. I like that she didn't immediately fall for his games either and simply walked away but it put her in the position of seeing Amos being a sleaze. I think she had some control because I would have punched him. >:(

Anyway, this ending was a bit of a cliffhanger but I'm looking forward to the next!

Much love,

Gabbie

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Review #6, by Penelope Inkwell Save A Broom

23rd September 2014:
Hey Lo! Glad to be back for another chapter!

So, can I just say how impressed I am? You are so good at describing action. I donít even feel like Iím reading. Everything plays out so naturally in front of my eyes that itís like Iím watching the story unfold on a screen. You add plenty of fun little details and images, which I love. And you just strike a great balance--you give the reader enough information to visualize the scene, but you donít inundate them with too many elements that donít add to the action. Thatís something that is hard to pull off, and I really applaud you for it. :D

I enjoyed seeing Alexandra interact with Lily. I like how theyíre starting out as friends of a sort, but not close ones, because itís something I havenít seen yet. I liked that bit you added in about the bean. That reminds me, I specifically wanted to point out that I loved that little detail about the bean almost rolling off the table. Itís such a minor thing. So many people wouldnít think to add that sort of detail, since it doesnít directly affect anything, but it adds realism to the story and really allows us to sink into it, and thatís huge. Ultimately, it does affect things, because itís stuff like that that is allowing me to picture the action so clearly.

So, Sirius is on the prowl. But I think Alexandra can hold her own. ; )

Loved the details in the magazine about the Quidditch wedding!

Poor Tom. Sounds like heís got a long way to go. At least he has a good Seeker on hand to learn from. A lot of people probably have to pick up positions once the former player has graduated and can no longer advise them, and that would really be hard on Keepers and Seekers, since theyíd have no one else to turn to for advice on that particular skill set. So, heís pretty lucky to have Alexandra around. Hopefully heíll improve in good time. He certainly provides some comedy. That image of Tom, exhausted, running away with both thumbs up in the air is adorable.

Also, way to fit in a song perfectly. Sirius chiming in with that line of the song? Perfect line, perfect timing.

That broom sounds amazing! Iíd want to check it out, too. Also, I kind of love that Alexandra is salivating over a broom, rather than the super dreamy Sirius Black. Itíd be good for him to have a girl who isnít won over by his mere (smirking) presence.

Treasurer of the Charms Club, huh? Trying to impress someone, Alexandra? Well, if Amos is anything like his son, I imagine he was quite a looker, and charming to boot. This line, ďIt was my pleasure. Iíll see you soon, Alexandra Jamieson, Ravenclaw beater and treasurer of the Charms club.Ē I just like his style. Interesting to see how that might play out.


CC:

Silver Arrows had been big in there day
--their, rather than "there"

ď[He] fell asleep while reading some geyser mag.Ē
--If you mean, like, a magazine for old men, itís spelled Ďgeezerí. I didnít know that, myself, though! Itís just that my first thought was a magazine about geysers, like Old Faithful, and I was confused. But then I thought you might mean something else, so I double-checked the spelling. And now Iíve learned something new!

"Fine by me, but you need to start living vicariously, love.Ē
--I donít know that vicariously is the right word here? To live vicariously is to live through other, more interesting people instead of doing interesting things for yourself. I think he may mean something more along the lines of living on the wild side?

***

I really enjoyed this chapter, Lo! Even better than the first one! Itís a cute, fun vibe, and I like the way youíre portraying the characters. Really nice work!

--Penny

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Review #7, by daliha Save A Broom

23rd September 2014:
You have a lovely fic here , I skipped the first chapter because it had so many reviews already, I love Alexandra she seems like a fun character and I've never read about a female beater before so that interesting, I also love how you characterize Sirius, he's playful but not a dog. And Amos Diggory seems pretty charming (I guess that's where Cedric got it from.) Also you had me laughing every time the save a broom line came up. I'm putting this on my to read list :)

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Review #8, by Gabriella Hunter Save A Broom

23rd September 2014:
HellO!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and it's really good to be back. It feels like ages since I was here but it really hasn't been that long. I'd been wanting to get back into this story though!

I really like how smoothly your pacing and flow is, this story was engrossing to read but didn't have any awkward chops or pauses. I'm really impressed by the style that you've chose to write this in as well, I'm able to get a clear picture of each character and their personalities are so strong that I really wouldn't mind just reading about them doing absolutely nothing in a scene.

What I like about this story the most so far is that it's not focusing on how gorgeous and talented Sirius is for our heroine. Usually by now in another story, Alexandra would already be in love with him and that's awfully boring, I like that there's a bit of rivalry between them and that she isn't impressed by his antics. I liked that she warmed up to him in this chapter a little (Or with his broom, really) but it wasn't overdone and they seemed like they could easily be friends if it weren't for Quidditch matches getting in the way.

I also liked your version of Lily as well. She's studious and hardworking but has a soft, gentle side to her but can have that little bit of spunk that I find to be really fun to read. You're not making her and Alexandra the best of friends either, which is something else that I'd like to see get developed but you write them both so well that I'm not at all in a rush.

I feel bad for Tom though, the poor thing might be dead by the time he finally catches that Snitch. I'm wishing him luck!

Like I said earlier, I liked the bonding moment that Alexandra had with Sirius. I think that if you're going to talk Quidditch, you should really know your brooms and the two of them have that in common. Also, that broom sounds AMAZING. I'd like a Nimbus 1001.

They also share a passion for music and while Sirius didn't explain how he knew how Hendrix was, I'm curious to know. I hope you go into more detail since his family is so against anything Muggle but Sirius has always been a rebel. A hunky rebel. Hahahah.

The ending made me wonder who Alexandra will eventually fall for and what you're leading up to with the appearance of Amos Diggory. Good use of canon there, wasn't expecting him! Alexandra is ridiculously cute too and I think it's a nice contrast to the "tom boy" edge that most would have used since she played Quidditch.

All in all, a great chapter and I can't wait to see what happens next!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Gabbie! Another review! (Even though I requested it.) I'm super excited to see what you think!

I'm so glad you've been anticipating this! Aha, I really can't believe you said that about my characters. I could totally just have chapters dedicated to them doing nothing if you want? ;) It's an idea (and I just might go with it if it makes sense in the plot! Oh goodness you've given me bunnies).

I'm very focused on not making Sirius out to be the typical, exceptionally handsome playboy that every girl dreams about at night, so I'm glad you really like that. I really am trying to build up a sort of friendship before anything really happens. Which brings us to the broom √ʬĬď she is definitely more interested in the broom than him right now. :)

Lily I've had problems with in the past, so I'm glad you like her! Their friendship will develop somewhat near the end of the story if all goes according to plan, so it definitely isn't in the cards right away, but I'm happy you feel as though it doesn√ʬĬôt have to be rushed. That's a relief.

Tom is such a sweetie! I love him! I promise not to hurt him too much in Quidditch practice ;)

As for the broom, it is definitely something I would want in those years, and even now as an antique. But yes, both of them are pretty heavily dedicated to Quidditch, so they really should know these brooms.

The music thing will make a comeback, mostly in times of bonding and happiness :) and yes, Sirius is a hunky rebel.


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Review #9, by Penelope Inkwell The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

23rd September 2014:
Okay! Glad to have the chance to read something of yours again, Lo. Itís been an age.

Alexandra seems promising as an MC. Sheís not falsely modest, and she doesnít seem overconfident, both of which are refreshing in a Quidditch team member (so often they seem to think theyíre the hottest thing to touch a broom, or else theyíre totally blind to their abilities. Alexandra seems to have a nice balance.)

Lots of characters being introduced in this one, which can be a little tricky, but Iím sure weíll get to hear more about them later and that will help iron it out. I actually feel like I have a pretty good handle on whoís who, as far as the Ravenclaw Quidditch team goes, which is impressive. When youíre introducing a large group of characters like that, it can easily get out of hand, but I think youíve handled it well.

James Potter seems very...James Potter (pre-reform). I think youíve captured him well. He seems like someone who maybe doesnít outright intend to be cruel, but who is so in love with his own wit that he doesnít stop to think whether or not his jokes are too unkind.

I like what Iím seeing of the relationship between Charlie and Alexandra, though. They seem to have a very fun friendship.

-
CC:
Fond of them as I am myself, I donít think there are grits in the U.K. (I have been specifically asked to bring them when visiting friends living there, though. Itís a great tragedy that they lack such an essential breakfast item).
-

I enjoyed reading this chapter! Thanks for swapping with me!

--Penny

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Review #10, by AdinaPuff Upping The Ante

22nd September 2014:
Hi, here for our review swap!

Oh my gosh. I love this story! I'm going to favorite it as soon as I finish writing this review. The characters are great so far. Absolutely magnificent. Xandra is such a strong character, I admire her. She holds her own against those slimy Gryffindor boys (okay so I actually love those Gryffindor boys. But Alexandra doesn't!)

AHHH the whole time I loved Alex and now oh my gosh! I always ship the one who never gets the girl. That's how I roll, by some twisted fate. So, while I'd love this to be an Alex/Xandra story, I feel a Sirius/Xandra coming head on.

I can't wait for the next chapter!

Update soon!

-Leigh

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Review #11, by ladyrae Upping The Ante

20th September 2014:
Ooooh I like!! Was hoping something would happen between Alexandra and Alex (even if it's a little weird that their names are so similar). Can't wait to see his reaction!! Great chapter.

Author's Response: Hi!

I know, the name thing *is* weird. Oh well. I'm excited myself for his reaction. Thank you so much for the wonderful review!

Lo :)


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Review #12, by Gabriella Hunter The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

19th September 2014:
Hello!

This is Gabbie here with our swap! I don't think we've spoken before so its nice to meet you and everything!

Okay, I am really amazed by how smoothly you managed to write this entire first chapter, especially since it mostly focuses on Quidditch. I tend to stray away from writing those sort of scenes because they're nothing but a headache but I really enjoyed what you did here, I was able to get really invested in the game and your characters are all so different and interesting that it really mixed well. I wasn't able to stop reading and I'm intrigued by Xandra and all of her team mates, I like all the details that you weaved in about their back story and goals as well. I really enjoyed Xandra in the beginning, fantasizing about winning the Cup, that seems like a really natural thing for a hard core sportswoman and it showed me that her character is really ambitious.

Also, that scene was pretty adorable.

Now, I was really impressed with the way that you wrote James and Sirius. Usually in these sort of stories there's way too much detail on how popular, handsome and all-around fantastic they are but the way you wrote them here just makes them seem so...ordinary. I got that they were pranksters of course and that they were talented but you wrote them more realistically and I enjoyed it very much. They seem grounded in reality in this chapter and while they're awfully arrogant, you don't linger on that so much as you do building up tension for later chapters. :D

By that ending though, I'm guessing that the competition between the two teams is just getting started! :D

I really enjoyed this!

Thanks for the read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hi Gabbie!!

Okay, this was an awesome review swap, I really liked your story and I'm glad you enjoyed mine! :) It's great to meet you as well.

I've heard good things about my Quidditch writing so far, so I'm glad you think so as well. I really do love writing lose scenes, so it's always good to get compliments on them. :) And yes, Alexandra is really driven in that area.

As for those two marauders, I try and keep them as ordinary-Joe as possible, just because they *have* been so written about in such a godlike way. I'm glad you enjoyed them and I'm so happy that their arrogance was front-and-center. I had problems with that in my first rendition of this story, so I'm glad to see I pushed away from that.

You are totally right, the competition will amp up, and thank you so much for this wonderful review and this super fun review swap!

Lo :)


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Review #13, by ladyrae Live A Little

11th September 2014:
I'm really enjoying this story. Can't wait to see where it goes! Update soon please

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you!

The next chapter is up, but judging by your review on it you've already seen that! :)

Hope it continues to be enjoyable!

Lo :)


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Review #14, by mrsdeanthomas421 Live A Little

10th September 2014:
So happy to see you have updated! Love the ravenclaw team dynamic- you have really captured each of their personalities so well in only three chapters. At the moment I am loving me some Alex duo,,,excited to see where that might go although I have a feeling Alex likes Xandra more than she can ever like him ;) Please keep up the good work!

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Review #15, by LilyLou Live A Little

9th September 2014:
Lo's back! Eek!

That makes one of us ;) This is your first update in forever (unless you've updated another story very recently) and I'm so excited! Ooooh, chapter three.

I would totally dig myself into a story about a made up club like Alexandra did. Then I would try to convince my friends to make the club with me. And her asking if Remus would be interested... Oh that was great. I chuckled at that one!

Alex seems like a touchy subject. I don't know if he likes Alexandra, or if he's just being a protective mate? But he realy doesn't fancy the idea of Alexandra going with Amos.

Them all being excited when Slytherin lost. The cup is theirs! Muahahahaha.

Well, I wouldn't roll out Gryffindor quite yet. As a reader, I'm definitely NOT.

Amos being twenty minutes late was ridiculous, and I would have been sooo mad. Of course, if I was high on the fact that he liked me, like 'Xandra, I suppose I would have let it slide, like she did. And then she just ditched Alex...

Poor Alex.

Ewww Amos is a horrible person. Like terrible and I hate him. He's definitely not as big a deal in this story, I don't think, as the original? I could be wrong, but that's what I'm picking up on.

Sirius. Oh, Sirius. Totally in character.

Wonderful chapter! Can't wait for more!

-Janelle

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Review #16, by ScarletEye158 The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

1st September 2014:
Hey Lo! I'm finally here with your review! Again, I'm sorry it took me so long :(

So let me just say,I really liked this chapter! It wasn't very long and it was the first of two, but I already feel like I know most of the characters really well! Oh! And I also really love stories that have a lot of Quidditch in them ;)

I like how Alexandra has a pretty good relationship with everybody and she isn't too aggressive with the Gryffindor boys like most girls in Marauders fics are :) I can see a few different possibilities of romance for her in this story, but I'm leaning more towards Sirius!

I could also see Charlie going for Sirius too, especially because the way people flirt is usually through insulting each other :p I think it could make a really interesting conflict: two best friends going for the same boy :o

I also really liked the way you described certain things in your story. Just the way you introduced the characters was really awesome because it was really more of the "show not tell" way of bringing them into the story that I really liked!

I feel kind of bad for Tom in this story because he's the newbie and everyone was kind of making fun of him :p I really like an underdog, so I hope he's able to improve on his seeking skills and prove to everybody that he belongs on the team! Maybe he'll even come to Alexandra and ask for help and they could actually become friends :)

I'm really interested to see where this story is going to go! I have a feeling it's going to have a lot of pranks from the Marauders and I'm really looking forward to reading them :) They already had a brilliant one at the end of this story, and I'm curious to see if Dumbledore will be mad about it, or if he would find it amusing. I'm thinking the ladder because Dumbledore can usually have a laugh in any situation :p

Anyways, I really enjoyed the first chapter and I hope you continue to write! I'll definitely come back and read the second chapter when I have some free time - reading fanfiction is what I really love doing in my free time :)

-Amanda

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Review #17, by larissa_allstar Save A Broom

6th July 2014:
Hey (: I'm a new reader of this story and haven't read the original. I'm quite enjoying this re-write so far though.

The OC you've created actually seems realistic and likable, which believe me is not as common as you may think. I love how she does have that deep drive and passion for quidditch and has great relationships with her team mates. Though the initial introduction of all of those OC's was overwhelmed by I can't wait to see you develop them further. I particularly enjoy Charlie :) she seems like the best friend you could ever have and I love her feisty attitude.

I love what you've included with the maurader's so far. They seems faithful to the original Characters Rowling created but I do sense that you're going to develop and alter them further. There's just so much depth surrounding them and I can't wait for you to explore it.

Can't wait to see the relationship between Sirius and Alexandra continue to grow :) I definitely can see them being a killer couple with a lot of sexual tension and great banter.

Will eagerly be waiting for the next chapter! This fic has so much potential and I'm already loving your writing style, it just flows.

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Review #18, by Miss MarlaG The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

25th April 2014:
Hey! Sharkbait here for our review swap, which I'm a couple of days late with (sorry about that, was having trouble with the site cutting off my review) but I finally managed to read your story!

It started off subtle, but nice, and I'm not really a marauder-type of person - but I like that this story is told from the point of view of someone that isn't actively involved with the marauders, as many OCs tend to be Lily Evan's best friend and having 24/7 access to the boys. The introduction of the Quidditch team was a little confusing for me, but only because I reckon there were many OCs to keep track, but other than that, it was nicely done in a way to set up the story and the rivalry the Ravenclaws have with the Gryffindors. I also really like your chapter titles - I have a thing for when they're clever, and this one was nicely done ^__^

Alexandra seems quite fun, and it feels like there's much more to get to know from here than what you've just given. I worry about how she's going to handle wanting to go out for a quidditch career with her change in positions - hopefully she'll do brilliantly and I can't wait to know! Charlie is also fabulous, love her from the very start. No doubt she's going to take center stage sometime in this story.

Basic marauder prank fun-times~~ basically, I really do like how these OCs don't look up to them but don't downright hate the boys. They're just far-neutral, noticing them for exactly what they are. I am excited to see how this will translate into the rivalry and the story continues to the fabulous quidditch match the summary promised.

In all, I thought it was a strong start! Very lovely to do this review-swap with you!

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Review #19, by navyfail Save A Broom

22nd April 2014:
Second chapter! Yay.

There is more Sirius in this one which is great. He doesn't have a grudge against her for the practice match, it seems. His carefree and kind side came out this chapter which is a plus.

Tom has some work to do. I truly feel bad for the kid but through practice maybe miracles will happen. Alexandra is very friendly to him rather than mean like some coaches can be. Her willingness to help him is sweet.

That catch phrase is quite cute and witty, I like. ;)

And Amos Diggory? Never have I been very fond of the fellow but who knows, maybe he is decent.

I wonder why she doesn't talk that much about her dad. Is there some history there?

Overall, nice work and I wish you luck on the rest of the story.

~Sama

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Review #20, by navyfail The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

22nd April 2014:
Hello. I'm here from the review swap. Since I've read the first chapter, I'll go ahead and review it and then move on to the next one. First off, this is a nice start to a story. Alexandra seems like a promising character. She's not the typical overahcieving at school Ravenclaw which is great. I like how she quickly defended Charlie when Sirius made a comment about her hair. It shows that she is a good friend. Carter comes off as a good captain but I would like to see more of how he is around his friends off the pitch in future chapters.

Quidditch scenes can be difficult to write but you pulled it off with ease. That takes a lot of skill so fantastic job with that.

Alex is an interesting character. His friendship with Alexandra is genuine and different than the one she shares with Carter. Tom is a favorite just because he is young and shy. I hope his Quidditch skills improve.

Alexandra played the Seeker position before right? How is it that she was willingly to give it up that easily? It sounds like she enjoyed playing that position.

Overall, lovely start to your story. :)

~Sama (~chocolate)

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Review #21, by LilyLou Save A Broom

22nd April 2014:
LO!

The changes, the changes! You've warped everything, but managed to keep the same idea for the most part. For starters, Amos isn't in the past, but the future... Hmmm...

I love your characters so far. You touch on them just enough so you introduce them well for the future. There are so many characters, what with the Quidditch team, to keep track of. But I think I've got them all down in my head.

I cannot wait for more, and to see how Diggory plays out in this! Oooh, is Sirius going to play the hero? Save the day? I can see it. I can't wait to see what Amos did to her and how you're going to write it!

Great second chapter!

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Review #22, by LavenderBlue The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

12th April 2014:
Hello! It's LavenderBlue with your requested review. :]

I'm excited to be reading a revamp. I always consider revamps to be a sign of maturity and growth in the author, and the extra good news is that I'll be reading this one with a fresh pair of eyes.

Description. I think you do a good job of alternating description and action. My only concern here is that several of your sentences are overly long. I had to re-read a couple for clarification. Here's an example:

"Carter dismissed us and we began our practice: the three chasers flying around with the quaffle, Alex hovering near the hoops and saving nearly everything, Tom zipping around nervously, every so often blasting away only to fly back and ask my for pointers every once and a while, and Charlie and I blasting the bludger at our teammates, simultaneously trying not to hurt them but also trying to provide some real game experience."

Your whole paragraph here is one sentence, which isn't a grammatical impossibility, but that does make for a cumbersome read. Good news is that this is a fairly easy problem to fix. I'd suggest combing your prose for extra-long sentences like this and then making some chops. It doesn't mean you have to cut those details. Just shorten your sentences and be sure that, whenever possible, you use simple past tense.

I notice that you use quite a lot of progressive tense (flying, jumping, moving, etc.) rather than simple past (fly, jump, move). This is a stylistic choice, of course, but I think that simple past makes prose much crisper and accessible.

So, rather than "Three chasers flying around with the quaffles, Alex hovering near the hoops and saving nearly everything, Tom zipping around nervously..."

Try the following: "Three chasers flew around with the quaffles. Meanwhile, Alex hovered near the hoops and saved nearly every shot. Overhead, Tom zipped around nervously..."

I find that simple past always forces me to shorten my sentences, and the end result is an easier read! In other cases, all those overly long sentences need is a solid period instead of a comma. For example, change this:

"Your 12+ sister's on the team, why don't you ask her how long it took that prat Potter to get the team to do that."

To this: "Your 12+ sister's on the team. Why don't you ask her how long it took that prat Potter to get the team to do that?"

Okay! On to character development.

I like what you've done with Alexandra so far. You've given her a goal and high stakes, and that is the perfect start, because if Alexandra has a goal that she hasn't yet achieved, the reader (me!) has motivation to keep reading. You also make her an empathetic character from the start. She's not perfect, she's a loyal friend, she's a good team player, and she works hard at what she loves. The best part is that you don't TELL the reader all these details, you SHOW them in her actions and dialogue. Great work developing your heroine.

Ahhh, Potter & Black. Mah babies. >:] I don't see any red flags in that department. I cheered when Charlie knocked Sirius over, and that's a sure sign that you're effectively writing the boys as arrogant bleepity bleeps. I'm interested to see how you continue their development!

I know he's a periphery character, but I'd like to add that I really like your characterization of Carter. You do a great job of pegging the insecurity that he feels as captain, and his desire to come across as a strict disciplinarian, even though he might not have the chops for it. And I love Charlie so far, because who doesn't love gutsy gals named Charlie?

Lastly, your major concern: interest factor. I didn't find this chapter boring in the least! And that's for all the reasons I listed before: your characters are developing well, and your protagonist has a clearly defined goal. I genuinely wanted Ravenclaw to beat Gryffindor, and I genuinely want to read on and see how things pan out for Alexandra...especially in relation to the Marauders and a certain Sirius Black.

Great work here! I think you've got a solid start, and aside from the stylistic choices I noted, I don't see any problem spots you should be worried about. I hope this review has been of some help, and I'm looking forward to seeing more updates!

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Review #23, by LightLeviosa5443 The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

8th April 2014:
HI!

Sorry it took me so long to do the swap. I had to go do something halfway through the chapter! I really really loved this! I want more more mroe mroe more! I can't wait to see where you're going to go with this story.

I really loved the way you went through a full quidditch match, a full day, and the morning of the next. It was a fun eventful first chapter and I walked away knowing the characters. I really enjoyed the way it flowed and how you showed the house rivalry.

My only critique is to be careful with tense changes, as there were a couple here and there. I didn't pick up on them until I read through a second time because I lost my place when I had to walk away. But they were there. Also, a couple of the characters towards the end of the quidditch match confused me a bit, but nothing major. I'm sure if I hadn't had to walk away from the story I would've gotten it.

Overall this was a really great chapter and I can't wait to see what else is in store. Also, Elenia did do an amazing job with that banner!

xoxo Sarah ♥

Author's Response: Hi Sarah!

It's okay! I took a while too! I was... emotionally compromised, shall we say? Well, hopefully you'll get more more more more more! As soon as I get the next chapter written...

Yay! I'm glad you thought it was eventful and that you know the characters. There's a lot of them, so when you say you're a little confused, I'm working on that... And yay! House rivalry!

I will definitely look back on tense changes. Silly tenses. Grrr... Thank you so much, and Elenia is fabulous, isn't she?

Thank you so much for the review and for the swap Sarah!
Lo :)


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Review #24, by LilyLou The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

8th April 2014:
LO!

Great start! It's definitely different than ABAO because you're missing the whole Amos ordeal. However, the beginning is definitely the same in the whole Quidditch idea, except Alexandra didn't have a huge row with Sirius and James as se did in ABAO

Honestly, it's a wonderful start to a new beginning. I'll be watching for new updates, please do so soon! Sorry for this being such a short review; I am horrible with lengthy reviews.

-Janelle

Author's Response: JANELLE!

Yay! I'm glad you liked it! Oh, don't worry, the Amos ordeal will be there, just slightly toned down. And yes, I thought toning everything down at the beginning would help compensate for everything once the story gets started, so hopefully you like it!

Thank you so much, you're making me smile! I will try and update soon, but no promises. What with the rewrite and my wonderful Beta, it might take a while for new chapters to be up! No problem with the short review! A review is a review, right?

Thank you so much Janelle, you are wonderful!
Lo :)


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Review #25, by keyty The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

6th April 2014:
Hello! Here with your requested review.

First off: YAY! A SIRIUS/OC! THOSE ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES!
Okay moving on.

I'll address your concerns.

a) Yes, it makes sense so far. This is just the first chapter, so we're only being introduced to all of the characters. There are a lot of them, but you did a good job of giving us enough information to tell them apart.

b) Characterization so far seems good. It's interesting to see the Marauders in this light. Usually Marauder fics show their good sides more often than their bad ones. I like to see them being total gits, it's refreshing!

c) Like I said, this is only the first chapter! I consider first chapters to be mostly introductions. You've given us enough information to preface what could happen later in the story, but there wasn't much movement. Mind you, it only took place in one day, but like I said this, in my opinion, is okay for the beginning of a story. I would have liked to have seen the Gryffindor team's reaction to their loss. They seemed so confident I was sure there would be a snarky remark in there somewhere. Oh well!

d) The description you have now is pretty solid. I would say you can always add more, but right now it seems to be okay. This was a bit of a short chapter in terms of time passing, so maybe down the road you could add more here and there. If you're still concerned, I would suggest giving more details about the environment, because right now I think as far as the characters it's pretty good.

e) I may be biased, because like I said I love Sirius/OCs, but this has peaked my interest! I like the focus on Quidditch, and I'm curious to see where the story goes. We're just getting to know the characters, but so far it seems that Alexandra has some interesting relationships with the rest of the characters. There's a lot of variety, which is always good. I'm very interested to see where this goes!

Hopefully this answered all of your questions. One CC I would have is that I saw a few minor errors. I think a quick skim could do the trick there. Please come back to re-request when you update, I'd love to read more!

Author's Response: Hi keyty! Thanks for doing this for me!

Yay! I love Sirius/OCs too! Thank you so much for all this wonderful detail. Considering it's a rewrite I'm so glad everything makes sense and that the characters are fairly well developed. Aha, the Marauders will be shown in a better light, don't worry, but they are seventeen year old boys, and you can't mature *that* much in a year. ;)

As for the Gryffindor team making a snarky comment, I definitely would have put it in there, but I felt as if it might have been too harsh? It's not supposed to be a Gryffindor hates Ravenclaw and vice versa story, more like a friendly rivalry. That said, I will try and see if I can work that in because it does seem like a very interesting plot point. :)

I'm pretty bad with description, so I really appreciate the comments. I will definitely take everything you said into account, so thank you so much!

I'm so glad you liked it! I will definitely try and look over it again to check for the errors, so thank you for pointing that out! I will definitely come back to rerequest, your review was amazing!

Lo :)


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