Reading Reviews for Upping The Ante
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by larissa_allstar Save A Broom

6th July 2014:
Hey (: I'm a new reader of this story and haven't read the original. I'm quite enjoying this re-write so far though.

The OC you've created actually seems realistic and likable, which believe me is not as common as you may think. I love how she does have that deep drive and passion for quidditch and has great relationships with her team mates. Though the initial introduction of all of those OC's was overwhelmed by I can't wait to see you develop them further. I particularly enjoy Charlie :) she seems like the best friend you could ever have and I love her feisty attitude.

I love what you've included with the maurader's so far. They seems faithful to the original Characters Rowling created but I do sense that you're going to develop and alter them further. There's just so much depth surrounding them and I can't wait for you to explore it.

Can't wait to see the relationship between Sirius and Alexandra continue to grow :) I definitely can see them being a killer couple with a lot of sexual tension and great banter.

Will eagerly be waiting for the next chapter! This fic has so much potential and I'm already loving your writing style, it just flows.

 Report Review

Review #2, by Miss MarlaG The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

25th April 2014:
Hey! Sharkbait here for our review swap, which I'm a couple of days late with (sorry about that, was having trouble with the site cutting off my review) but I finally managed to read your story!

It started off subtle, but nice, and I'm not really a marauder-type of person - but I like that this story is told from the point of view of someone that isn't actively involved with the marauders, as many OCs tend to be Lily Evan's best friend and having 24/7 access to the boys. The introduction of the Quidditch team was a little confusing for me, but only because I reckon there were many OCs to keep track, but other than that, it was nicely done in a way to set up the story and the rivalry the Ravenclaws have with the Gryffindors. I also really like your chapter titles - I have a thing for when they're clever, and this one was nicely done ^__^

Alexandra seems quite fun, and it feels like there's much more to get to know from here than what you've just given. I worry about how she's going to handle wanting to go out for a quidditch career with her change in positions - hopefully she'll do brilliantly and I can't wait to know! Charlie is also fabulous, love her from the very start. No doubt she's going to take center stage sometime in this story.

Basic marauder prank fun-times~~ basically, I really do like how these OCs don't look up to them but don't downright hate the boys. They're just far-neutral, noticing them for exactly what they are. I am excited to see how this will translate into the rivalry and the story continues to the fabulous quidditch match the summary promised.

In all, I thought it was a strong start! Very lovely to do this review-swap with you!

 Report Review

Review #3, by navyfail Save A Broom

22nd April 2014:
Second chapter! Yay.

There is more Sirius in this one which is great. He doesn't have a grudge against her for the practice match, it seems. His carefree and kind side came out this chapter which is a plus.

Tom has some work to do. I truly feel bad for the kid but through practice maybe miracles will happen. Alexandra is very friendly to him rather than mean like some coaches can be. Her willingness to help him is sweet.

That catch phrase is quite cute and witty, I like. ;)

And Amos Diggory? Never have I been very fond of the fellow but who knows, maybe he is decent.

I wonder why she doesn't talk that much about her dad. Is there some history there?

Overall, nice work and I wish you luck on the rest of the story.

~Sama

 Report Review

Review #4, by navyfail The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

22nd April 2014:
Hello. I'm here from the review swap. Since I've read the first chapter, I'll go ahead and review it and then move on to the next one. First off, this is a nice start to a story. Alexandra seems like a promising character. She's not the typical overahcieving at school Ravenclaw which is great. I like how she quickly defended Charlie when Sirius made a comment about her hair. It shows that she is a good friend. Carter comes off as a good captain but I would like to see more of how he is around his friends off the pitch in future chapters.

Quidditch scenes can be difficult to write but you pulled it off with ease. That takes a lot of skill so fantastic job with that.

Alex is an interesting character. His friendship with Alexandra is genuine and different than the one she shares with Carter. Tom is a favorite just because he is young and shy. I hope his Quidditch skills improve.

Alexandra played the Seeker position before right? How is it that she was willingly to give it up that easily? It sounds like she enjoyed playing that position.

Overall, lovely start to your story. :)

~Sama (~chocolate)

 Report Review

Review #5, by LilyLou Save A Broom

22nd April 2014:
LO!

The changes, the changes! You've warped everything, but managed to keep the same idea for the most part. For starters, Amos isn't in the past, but the future... Hmmm...

I love your characters so far. You touch on them just enough so you introduce them well for the future. There are so many characters, what with the Quidditch team, to keep track of. But I think I've got them all down in my head.

I cannot wait for more, and to see how Diggory plays out in this! Oooh, is Sirius going to play the hero? Save the day? I can see it. I can't wait to see what Amos did to her and how you're going to write it!

Great second chapter!

 Report Review

Review #6, by LavenderBlue The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

12th April 2014:
Hello! It's LavenderBlue with your requested review. :]

I'm excited to be reading a revamp. I always consider revamps to be a sign of maturity and growth in the author, and the extra good news is that I'll be reading this one with a fresh pair of eyes.

Description. I think you do a good job of alternating description and action. My only concern here is that several of your sentences are overly long. I had to re-read a couple for clarification. Here's an example:

"Carter dismissed us and we began our practice: the three chasers flying around with the quaffle, Alex hovering near the hoops and saving nearly everything, Tom zipping around nervously, every so often blasting away only to fly back and ask my for pointers every once and a while, and Charlie and I blasting the bludger at our teammates, simultaneously trying not to hurt them but also trying to provide some real game experience."

Your whole paragraph here is one sentence, which isn't a grammatical impossibility, but that does make for a cumbersome read. Good news is that this is a fairly easy problem to fix. I'd suggest combing your prose for extra-long sentences like this and then making some chops. It doesn't mean you have to cut those details. Just shorten your sentences and be sure that, whenever possible, you use simple past tense.

I notice that you use quite a lot of progressive tense (flying, jumping, moving, etc.) rather than simple past (fly, jump, move). This is a stylistic choice, of course, but I think that simple past makes prose much crisper and accessible.

So, rather than "Three chasers flying around with the quaffles, Alex hovering near the hoops and saving nearly everything, Tom zipping around nervously..."

Try the following: "Three chasers flew around with the quaffles. Meanwhile, Alex hovered near the hoops and saved nearly every shot. Overhead, Tom zipped around nervously..."

I find that simple past always forces me to shorten my sentences, and the end result is an easier read! In other cases, all those overly long sentences need is a solid period instead of a comma. For example, change this:

"Your 12+ sister's on the team, why don't you ask her how long it took that prat Potter to get the team to do that."

To this: "Your 12+ sister's on the team. Why don't you ask her how long it took that prat Potter to get the team to do that?"

Okay! On to character development.

I like what you've done with Alexandra so far. You've given her a goal and high stakes, and that is the perfect start, because if Alexandra has a goal that she hasn't yet achieved, the reader (me!) has motivation to keep reading. You also make her an empathetic character from the start. She's not perfect, she's a loyal friend, she's a good team player, and she works hard at what she loves. The best part is that you don't TELL the reader all these details, you SHOW them in her actions and dialogue. Great work developing your heroine.

Ahhh, Potter & Black. Mah babies. >:] I don't see any red flags in that department. I cheered when Charlie knocked Sirius over, and that's a sure sign that you're effectively writing the boys as arrogant bleepity bleeps. I'm interested to see how you continue their development!

I know he's a periphery character, but I'd like to add that I really like your characterization of Carter. You do a great job of pegging the insecurity that he feels as captain, and his desire to come across as a strict disciplinarian, even though he might not have the chops for it. And I love Charlie so far, because who doesn't love gutsy gals named Charlie?

Lastly, your major concern: interest factor. I didn't find this chapter boring in the least! And that's for all the reasons I listed before: your characters are developing well, and your protagonist has a clearly defined goal. I genuinely wanted Ravenclaw to beat Gryffindor, and I genuinely want to read on and see how things pan out for Alexandra...especially in relation to the Marauders and a certain Sirius Black.

Great work here! I think you've got a solid start, and aside from the stylistic choices I noted, I don't see any problem spots you should be worried about. I hope this review has been of some help, and I'm looking forward to seeing more updates!

 Report Review

Review #7, by LightLeviosa5443 The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

8th April 2014:
HI!

Sorry it took me so long to do the swap. I had to go do something halfway through the chapter! I really really loved this! I want more more mroe mroe more! I can't wait to see where you're going to go with this story.

I really loved the way you went through a full quidditch match, a full day, and the morning of the next. It was a fun eventful first chapter and I walked away knowing the characters. I really enjoyed the way it flowed and how you showed the house rivalry.

My only critique is to be careful with tense changes, as there were a couple here and there. I didn't pick up on them until I read through a second time because I lost my place when I had to walk away. But they were there. Also, a couple of the characters towards the end of the quidditch match confused me a bit, but nothing major. I'm sure if I hadn't had to walk away from the story I would've gotten it.

Overall this was a really great chapter and I can't wait to see what else is in store. Also, Elenia did do an amazing job with that banner!

xoxo Sarah ♥

Author's Response: Hi Sarah!

It's okay! I took a while too! I was... emotionally compromised, shall we say? Well, hopefully you'll get more more more more more! As soon as I get the next chapter written...

Yay! I'm glad you thought it was eventful and that you know the characters. There's a lot of them, so when you say you're a little confused, I'm working on that... And yay! House rivalry!

I will definitely look back on tense changes. Silly tenses. Grrr... Thank you so much, and Elenia is fabulous, isn't she?

Thank you so much for the review and for the swap Sarah!
Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #8, by LilyLou The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

8th April 2014:
LO!

Great start! It's definitely different than ABAO because you're missing the whole Amos ordeal. However, the beginning is definitely the same in the whole Quidditch idea, except Alexandra didn't have a huge row with Sirius and James as se did in ABAO

Honestly, it's a wonderful start to a new beginning. I'll be watching for new updates, please do so soon! Sorry for this being such a short review; I am horrible with lengthy reviews.

-Janelle

Author's Response: JANELLE!

Yay! I'm glad you liked it! Oh, don't worry, the Amos ordeal will be there, just slightly toned down. And yes, I thought toning everything down at the beginning would help compensate for everything once the story gets started, so hopefully you like it!

Thank you so much, you're making me smile! I will try and update soon, but no promises. What with the rewrite and my wonderful Beta, it might take a while for new chapters to be up! No problem with the short review! A review is a review, right?

Thank you so much Janelle, you are wonderful!
Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #9, by keyty The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

6th April 2014:
Hello! Here with your requested review.

First off: YAY! A SIRIUS/OC! THOSE ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES!
Okay moving on.

I'll address your concerns.

a) Yes, it makes sense so far. This is just the first chapter, so we're only being introduced to all of the characters. There are a lot of them, but you did a good job of giving us enough information to tell them apart.

b) Characterization so far seems good. It's interesting to see the Marauders in this light. Usually Marauder fics show their good sides more often than their bad ones. I like to see them being total gits, it's refreshing!

c) Like I said, this is only the first chapter! I consider first chapters to be mostly introductions. You've given us enough information to preface what could happen later in the story, but there wasn't much movement. Mind you, it only took place in one day, but like I said this, in my opinion, is okay for the beginning of a story. I would have liked to have seen the Gryffindor team's reaction to their loss. They seemed so confident I was sure there would be a snarky remark in there somewhere. Oh well!

d) The description you have now is pretty solid. I would say you can always add more, but right now it seems to be okay. This was a bit of a short chapter in terms of time passing, so maybe down the road you could add more here and there. If you're still concerned, I would suggest giving more details about the environment, because right now I think as far as the characters it's pretty good.

e) I may be biased, because like I said I love Sirius/OCs, but this has peaked my interest! I like the focus on Quidditch, and I'm curious to see where the story goes. We're just getting to know the characters, but so far it seems that Alexandra has some interesting relationships with the rest of the characters. There's a lot of variety, which is always good. I'm very interested to see where this goes!

Hopefully this answered all of your questions. One CC I would have is that I saw a few minor errors. I think a quick skim could do the trick there. Please come back to re-request when you update, I'd love to read more!

Author's Response: Hi keyty! Thanks for doing this for me!

Yay! I love Sirius/OCs too! Thank you so much for all this wonderful detail. Considering it's a rewrite I'm so glad everything makes sense and that the characters are fairly well developed. Aha, the Marauders will be shown in a better light, don't worry, but they are seventeen year old boys, and you can't mature *that* much in a year. ;)

As for the Gryffindor team making a snarky comment, I definitely would have put it in there, but I felt as if it might have been too harsh? It's not supposed to be a Gryffindor hates Ravenclaw and vice versa story, more like a friendly rivalry. That said, I will try and see if I can work that in because it does seem like a very interesting plot point. :)

I'm pretty bad with description, so I really appreciate the comments. I will definitely take everything you said into account, so thank you so much!

I'm so glad you liked it! I will definitely try and look over it again to check for the errors, so thank you for pointing that out! I will definitely come back to rerequest, your review was amazing!

Lo :)


 Report Review

Review #10, by TidalDragon The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

3rd April 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by for the promised review swap!

So first off, it was interesting how you laid out a lot of the characters and some relevant attitudes and relationships in the context of a Quidditch practice. I did feel that it was a bit back-and-forth at times, especially after a nice set of descriptions and internal thoughts regarding your MC Alexandra. Ultimately though, I think it and the scheduling dispute you threw in gave you nice latitude to go ahead and introduce a number of characters so that the story doesn't get bogged down later with those introductions after the plot is moving more rapidly (though a little more on this later).

I also liked that you made the different members of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team you introduced have distinct personalities and speech. I'm not sure whether all of them will be significant characters to the story or not, but regardless, I always appreciate it when authors create characters (especially OCs) that don't just feel interchangeable with one another and yours definitely hit that mark.

One thing that gave me a little pause during the chapter though was the use of the name Alexander and Alexandra for two players on the Ravenclaw team. The first time I read through the "bouncing dime" section, when male keeper Alex was talking to your MC Alexandra, I had to go back and double-check who male Alex was. I think part of this is down to the similarity in names, but it's maybe also a possible negative of introducing as many characters as you did all in this chapter, as it made the ones who didn't get much play early fade out of memory a bit by the time they were mentioned again (male Alex and Amelia).

I also was a bit surprised by the James and Sirius's rather cruel humor in 7th Year (especially re: Flitwick), but that's probably just my head canon thinking that they've shaped up a bit by then due to the world being a darker place (and just growing up).

I was pleased though that despite the summary you resisted the urge to put the bet in this chapter too. Based on the interactions you showed between your MC and Sirius, I think it will be more meaningful to have that come up after we've seen a bit more between them.

Also, since you've recently changed the title, I thought I'd note that I think it's catchy and memorable and I like it based on the summary (also well done BTW).

My brain is a bit fried at the moment, so hopefully this came out making sense and you found it in some way helpful. I promise I'm normally more coherent.

But at any rate, keep it up!

 Report Review

Review #11, by Veritaserum27 The Bouncing Properties of Dimes

3rd April 2014:
Review Swap!

First off, I am really impressed that you chose to start a story with a Quidditch match (informal - but match nonetheless). I think J.K. once said that writing the Quiddtich scenes were the hardest, but you pulled it off fantastically. You have a great talent for adding small details that draw the reader into the story (the scent of grass and wood, the bat getting caught in the long, blue robes).

I also love that you chose to write the story from the point of view of a Ravenclaw who isn't overly ambitious or near the top of her class. That is very original and makes the character more interesting. I can't wait to see how the story develops as Alexandra lives amongst her over-achieving house mates.

I did find an issue with one of the sentences. I do not claim to be an English Professor or editor of any kind, but I had to read this sentence over a few times and I think it might just be too much for one sentence.

As written:

"I steeled myself as it came racing near me, but quickly straightened up and watched in confusion as it made its way past me, but quickly frowned as I saw its intended target."

Suggestion:

"I steeled myself as it came racing near me, but quickly straightened up and watched in confusion as the bludger zoomed past me. I quickly frowned as I saw its intended target."

or

"I steeled myself as it came racing near me. As it made its way past me, I straightened up and watched in confusion, frowning as I saw its intended target."

I added the "zoomed" in the first example of a way you could convey that the bludger was moving quickly instead of saying "made its way past me." Just suggestions.

Another thing I noticed was when the Ravenclaw team were arguing with each other after the match. Carter says to Alex, "If you have a problem with my choice, bring it up with McGonagall." Should this be Flitwick, since he is the head of Ravenclaw? Or was McGonagall the head of the Quidditch teams back then (like Madame Hooch)?

On another note, I think you hit James and Sirius's personalities spot-on. James was absolutely the most arrogant toe-rag he could have been to the Ravenclaw team. And the little *wink* Sirius gave Alexandra at the end was perfect - just a little taste for the reader.

You asked in the author's note about the title, summary and chapter title and I must say I LOVED all of them. They were perfect. I think you have set the stage nicely with this Quidditch game rivalry. I can't wait to find out how it escalates to a wager - and more.

My final comment is regarding the endings to each section in the chapter. They were SUPERB. Every single one of them made me chuckle out loud.

Overall, great job and thanks for doing a review swap!

Beth

Author's Response: Hi Beth! Thanks for the review swap, by the way!

Aha, well I've found that I'm very comfortable writing Quidditch matches, but thank you! I can't claim rights to all the details. My wonderful Beta pixileanin really helped me out with a lot of those!

As for writing it in Alexandra's point of view, because I made her so Quidditch oriented, I couldn't let her be the smartest person in her year (she is not perfect!), but thank you for thinking that she's original. She is definitely a Ravenclaw in other senses, but school and marks will definitely be something she has to deal with in the future!

Your CCs, well I won't address all of them individually, but they were spot on and I really took them to heart and edited the chapter right away. Thank you so much for the precision in telling me what seemed a little bit off, it was extremely helpful! :)

I'm so glad you liked James and Sirius! I tried to make them annoying yet also seeming like they've grown up somewhat, so hopefully I can show that soon! Yay! I'm glad you liked everything! And the endings to each section were my favourite parts too! I'm so glad they came off as funny!

Thank you so much for this review swap and this wonderful review!
Lo:)


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login