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9 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Ohpl Detention

17th September 2014:
Really enjoying your story.Are you planning on updating soon ?

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm really glad you like it!! Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to write at the moment because of my work schedule, but I do plan to continue when I finally have a chance...
Reviews always make me smile... maybe I can squeeze in some writing tomorrow, just for you :)


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Review #2, by Patti Detention

26th June 2014:
How much longer until the next chapter?? I've been checking back for over a month! Can't wait!

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, this made my day! There are so many stories I check all the time - I will have to remember to leave a few reviews tonight and spread the love! And I will try to get the next chapter up soon. I am so glad you are enjoying the story!

-MM


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Review #3, by ohmymerlin The Sorting

20th May 2014:
Hey there! I'm so sorry for the delay on this!

Okay, first of all, I really like the way you've written Lily. She seems like a good Slytherin (very determined and ambitious, even a little bit cunning) and I like that you've written her in that way. I've read a couple of fics where Lily is in Slytherin but they never really make her 'fit' but so far you seem to be doing a good job with it!

However, I noticed a few errors:

And, well, I love Uncle Percy...

And, well, I loved Uncle Percy...

I changed this because you story seemed to be in past tense so I made it also into past tense. If you want it in present tense, I'd recommend putting either quote marks around it or making it in italics just to let the reader know that it is Lily's thinking more than her 'voice', if you get what I mean?

(If you don't, then that's totally fine. I am a bit ill at the moment so I won't be surprised if you tell me, "Kayla, you're making no sense at all what do you mean?!" so feel free to PM me for clarification)

It's really not a big deal"--

It's really not a big deal--"

The hyphen should go inside the quote marks rather than outside.

I guess you really never can tell about a person.

I guess you couldn't really tell what a person was really like from a glance of them.

I went to change this to past tense (which it also needed doing) but then I found the wording a little uncomfortable so I changed it a bit. If you don't like it, feel free to play around with it or keep your old version. As I said before, I'm not 100% so that could make no sense at all and I don't realise it :P

Okay so you asked for character and plot development but as it is really only the first chapter, I don't have /that/ much to say. All I can say is that it's awesome that Lily took it in her stride and strutted to the Slytherin table. YOU GO, GIRL! :P

I can't really comment on the plot development as it is the first chapter but it is a great opening chapter and I think you've set it out really well!

You've also asked if it 'hooks' me in and it does! I'm really intrigued what everyone will say - especially Ron :P - and all the various reactions!

Anywho, this was an excellent first chapter! Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla!

Thank you so much for the lovely review!

You have a good eye! I will have to fix those tense errors. I tend to break off dialogue with dashes pretty frequently, so I'm especially glad to know that tip. (I was never sure where to put them.)

I'm so glad you like Lily and the way she fits as a Slytherin. It was a fun challenge to develop the Slytherin OCs and make them fit the house in different ways.

And, yay! I hooked you!

Thanks again for the review!
MM


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Review #4, by TidalDragon Detention

16th May 2014:
Here I am once more!

I thought the content and flow of this chapter was good. You handled the classes with enough detail to give us a better idea of Professor Quinn and who (at least seems) to have magical aptitude among the Slytherins I assume we'll be seeing a lot of. It did not feel like filler, at least not to me, so I wouldn't worry much about that.

As far as the remainder, I found the interaction with Rafi decent - though it is somewhat surprising if he's ambitious like a Slytherin that he wouldn't have made himself more aware of the magical world he was entering - certainly enough to know the name of arguably the most famous living wizard and the dark wizard he defeated. But him being a muggleborn Slytherin was a nice twist and I think it makes a nice connection for Lily in her new house who could be a friend that really understands her position more than her other housemates ever could (or would care to). Most importantly, I finally got the hook I was looking for - why this changed perspective? Why is Lily being in Slytherin important and not just novelty for novelty's sake? The last paragraph and line drove it home - so success.

The only downside to this chapter was it seemed like you might have written it a bit more hurriedly than the earlier ones. Typos crept in and your word choice and descriptions just didn't seem as purposeful and strong. Perhaps a shot to get a series of chapters into the queue in quick succession (or simply your overflowing muse) fueled this, but just be careful in the future. You set a good standard with the approach you took in the first two chapters and so keeping it up will be paramount, since you've set yourself a higher bar to work with/against from the outset.

Overall, I think your story is developing nicely. Most importantly, it's believable that you're telling it from a first year's perspective so far. I enjoyed reading! Feel free to PM if you have any questions!

Author's Response: Oh, you saved the best for last! I am so glad you've enjoyed the story!! it's very kind of you to say I set a high bar.

In regards to this chapter, I think you hit the nail on the head with the mention of my "overflowing muse." I will have to go back and edit this one.

I also questions the believability of Rafi not knowing about the war. After all, Nat thought he'd be in Ravenclaw (and she is very astute), so you'd think he would read about it. But it was a lot of fun to write her surprise - maybe I got carried away. It would be a fairly big change to make in the chapter, but it would be worth it. Something to consider!

Writing from a 1st year's POV is a bit strange. I'm relieved you find it believable. It's interesting that you consider that most important.

Thank you so SO much for all three of your reviews! I found them thoughtful and definitely helpful. I may take you up on the offer to PM (and you might wish you hadn't said that, haha :D)

Have a wonderful weekend!
MM


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Review #5, by TidalDragon The Painted Ladies

16th May 2014:
Hello again!

So more of the inner conflict. And it boils into a dream that drives her to seek confirmation from family that she's still loved. I'll confess I'm not too sure even that would drive a frightened first year into the darkened halls of Hogwarts, but you made the journey feel believable. Especially the part where Lily pretended to be in Gryffindor - she's still really yearning for belonging isn't she?

You've also taken a different portrayal of James than we usually see as our first genuine look at him is as a tender, loving older brother. I thought that scene was nicely done. And I also liked how you incorporated the paintings helping Lily find her way.

Overall, good work building on the foundation you laid in Chapter 1.

See you in Chapter 3!

Author's Response: Hello again to you!

Hmm, you make a good point. Roaming Hogwarts at night is not something to take lightly. Maybe I will come up with a way of upping her motivation.

I LOVED writing the scene with James, I've very glad you liked that part! He has s soft spot for his sister.

Thanks again for the review! On to #3!

MM


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Review #6, by TidalDragon The Sorting

16th May 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by to fill your request!

Well! LILY going Slytherin is certainly something different in the Next-Gen era. I have to say I like how you set it up with her inner thoughts being so Gryffindor-directed, but so clearly tinged with indicators that she was destined for Slytherin (even if you hadn't tipped your hand).

I also liked that you made her sorting into Slytherin cause conflict within her. So many times a Next-Gen fic sorts a Weasley or Potter child into a house other than Gryffindor and then explores their "different" journey with them as the MC, without every having them experience any conflict over it (aside from dealing with ribbing from the others). I think what you've done is much more believable, especially coupling it with some Slytherins being skeptical of Lily and some still being blood purists.

As far as the nitty-gritty of the writing itself, I thought your word choice was largely solid and the dialogue was well done and age appropriate. The chapter flowed nicely as well.

In terms of something to examine going forward, I'd look at the places that have a lot of characters moving or doing things or performing actions while speaking. It wasn't prominent, but for me some of these areas were a bit weaker. You used a lot of commas in them and since they were written in a very unfussed style they frequently seemed a bit "busy". The best example I can give of what I'm talking about is in the last page or so, beginning with "Nat started to respond..."

All in all though, a good start. I'll have to keep reading to answer your critical question of whether it drew me in. I'm definitely not turned off, and I'm pleased you're doing things differently than most, but I'll be looking to the next chapter to complete the sales pitch.

See you there!

Author's Response: Hello, TidalDragon!

Logging in to see 3 new reviews just put the hugest smile on my face! (I know it was a request, but still, haha.) Yay!

Thank you for all of the nice things you said. I think I know what you mean about the parts the combine dialogue and action. I try to avoid "talking heads" but I really enjoy writing dialogue. When I try to add things to "balance" (ineffectively) the dialogue, it can get kind of bogged down. I will work on that!

Thanks again!
Off to read and answer your other reviews :)
MM



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Review #7, by Patti The Sorting

15th May 2014:
Awesome--just the sort of continuation I was looking for. A lot of good humor and conflict. Can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: I'm so happy you liked it!! More is on the way :) Thank you for reviewing!

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Review #8, by masterhasgivendobbyasock The Sorting

3rd April 2014:
So, Lily is in Slytherin.
Interesting. Very interesting.
I like Nat. Good sense of humor.
No, Min, you cannot hang pictures of James!!!
I think Harry and Ginny will be okay with her being Slytherin. Well, more Harry than Ginny.
But Albus and James...

Who knows?!

Can't wait for the next chapter!!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing!

I agree that Harry will understand, but of course she assumes the worst. You will get more of her brothers' reactions in the next chapter :)


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Review #9, by LightLeviosa5443 The Sorting

3rd April 2014:
Hi!

I was being weird and looking at the new requests on TDA and saw this story. It sounds so interesting! I'm really captivated by what you have so far. I really like how you have the other girls react to Lily, and have Natalie become her friend! It's a really cute, and unique story and I'm loving what you're doing with it so far! I can't wait for Harry to find out, and for us to learn more about Lily's transition into being a Slytherin. Great placement and explanation, too!

I loved the scene where the girls were guessing who would end up in what house. It was cute and so believable, I mean, it's something I would probably do!! I also really really loved the way that you added the aire of mystery with Rafi. I'm so curious what his story is and how you intend to build upon him and what we know so far! Was it his dad sitting at the table talking to Neville?

Really great job, hon! Update soon!

xoxo LL

Author's Response: Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing! I am really excited about this story - I am so so happy somebody read chapter one and enjoyed it! The next chapter is mostly finished, so you shouldn't have too long to wait :)
Thanks again! MM
p.s. I love looking at TDA, especially filled requests. The artists are amazing!


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