Reading Reviews for Mixed-up in Magic
16 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane one

20th June 2015:
Ravenclaw House Cup 2015.

OK, this does sound interesting. I like the idea of seeing how a Muggle would interact with the magical world.

I wonder if the broken sticks are wands.

Poor, poor Jeanette. That must have been horrific.

I like the way you give us an insight into the various characters and how they interact so quickly. Craig seems like a rather patronising type and Mark seems a bit of...not a maverick exactly, but a guy who finds the loopholes in the rules. He also seems like a flirt.

In this line, “Jeanette will be joining your group Jaz,” there should be a comma after "group."

Hmm, pretty clear this is a magical world crime. I wonder why the Aurors don't just take over and Obliviate the police. There must be a Muggle connection too, I guess.

There are one or two places in this where there are no paragraph breaks between paragraphs. Doesn't really matter much, but it just stands out a bit when the others do.

In "a friend of my father's," there should be an apostrophe before the "s" in "father's".

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Review #2, by Freda_and_Georgina two

9th December 2014:
Okay, must know the answers. Can't know the answers. Stay up all night trying to think of the answers. No use proper grammar. See what you did to me?

This is starting to be a rather depressing review, moving on to the good stuff. Everything. Now that we've covered that let's get down to business; third chapter. Please write it. I love the romance and mystery and action and reality of the fiction (as real as it gets).

Keep writing. Love it.

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Review #3, by Freda_and_Georgina one

9th December 2014:
I am here for the Review Hot Seat! I love what you have here, so far. I want to know so much! But, I'm also really tired so I'm going to make this quick:
Love it! (quick enough for you?)

Against my better judgment, because this story is just that awesome, moving on to the next chapter!

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Review #4, by marauderfan two

27th September 2014:

I remember reading the first chapter of this a few months ago and really enjoyed it, so it was exciting to see a second chapter!

I like how you wrote the scene from the previous chapter from Al's POV this time around, so I know what was happening with both parties throughout all of it. (I do think possibly some of the dialogue could be left out of that conversation this time around just to avoid repetition, but otherwise it was great!) It's also nice to see Taryn through another POV than her own, as it gives a less biased view of her character. Or at least, a different bias :p

Oh, that part about Dean's daughter was so sad :( like why don't you stomp on my heart how that you've ripped it out :'( But I think the bit at the end is the most interesting. The point about her feeling guilty for still being alive is realistic, and at the same time I'm wondering if there is more to it than that, like if she was involved in something and the murderer recognised her.

But what is 'Wanderers'? The murderer is leaving some pretty obvious clues, almost like they want to be discovered! Hm. Excited to find out more! Great chapter!

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Review #5, by MischiefNotQuiteMannaged two

7th July 2014:
So no psychic paper then.

I think you've done a really good job at merging the scene from both Al's and Taryn's perspectives without it becoming repetitive.

I enjoyed reading Harry and Al's relationship (especially the mock salute), it's nice to see that Harry now has people who love him and are worried about him when Dean died.

I found Al's habit of remembering everything about those he goes out on a mission with poignant. You also handled Bella's response to seeing her dead father elegantly.

I really enjoyed this chapter and I hope you update soon!

House Cup 2014 Review

Hufflepuff for House Cup!


Author's Response: So this review is just awesome! The fact that you think I did a great job with both povs is pretty amazing! I'm glad that you liked Harry and Al's relationship, I think that the two would be close to each other, so its always nice when others think that its a nice relationship. With Al, I think he is a bit like Harry, worried about the other people on his team and each one touching him, so losing any of them would be a huge thing. Thanks again for this wonderful review!


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Review #6, by MischiefNotQuiteMannaged one

7th July 2014:
I'm really intrigued. Why are people being Murdered? I thought everything was fine in the wizarding world after the War. Who's being murdered; is it just muggle borns, and why are the Muggle Police involved? Is Al's badge similar to Psychic Paper? If so what did Taryn see?

I think this is a really interesting idea, merging the muggle world with the wizarding one! I hope that they can work together to find out who killed Dean. What is Wanderers...

House Cup 2014 review!

Hufflepuff for House Cup!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review this chapter! I love all the questions that this beginning chapter has sparked in you! I do hope that you will continue on with the story and see how things are going to play out. I will still be working on this story but at the moment I'm focusing on LAWKI trying to get it updated and new chapters posted. Thanks again for this wonderful review!


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Review #7, by Cypress two

28th June 2014:
wow.. I'm very excited for the next chapter to come! I hope you'll update soon!

Author's Response: I have the third chapter most of the way done, so hopefully I'll have it up soon! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #8, by DracosGirl012 one

27th May 2014:
Hello! I'm reviewing your entry, as the challenge closes in a few days!
Hmm, what can I say about this story? It was interesting, that's for sure. Kudos to you for attempting a murder mystery. It's rather hard to do, so I've got to give you extra credit for challenging yourself.
i've often wondered what would happen in a situation where the muggle authorities are involved, and I think you've handled that rather well. I'll just be reviewing the first chapter for the challenge but I can say that you've definitely got an intriguing plot line thus far. I wonder who "the Wanderers" are. It's sad that the victim was Dean. I always liked him :(. Well, I guess it was necessary for the story.
Anyways, thanks again for the entry to my challenge! You will find out on May 31st the final results! :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much for setting out this challenge. It was really fun to do and I'm glad that you liked this first chapter! I do hope that you will continue reading it! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #9, by Rumpelstiltskin two

1st May 2014:
I realize that it is taking me forever to get my reviews done, I apologize for the wait!

Plot/plot arch: The supreme carefulness of the murderer is certainly going to make life difficult for the investigators (whether they be of Muggle or wizarding law enforcement). While the sole word "Wanderers" meant virtually nothing to Tyran, Albus's deduction of the underlined portion of the word "wand" and the fact that it was written in lipstick to point him in the direction of the murderer being a witch. Clever. So, Tyran was kissing...someone...quite possibly Mark but who knows :). At least they all have ONE piece of information, if anything. I wonder how this is going to pan out.

Characterization: Albus -- he seems slightly like Harry, but with his own personal twist. I think you've done a great job with him. Bella -- While it's natural to blame herself for her father's death, there may just be something more to this than you're letting us believe!

Style: The technique you've used from the last chapter to this chapter -- switching POVs from Taryn's to Albus' -- allows the reader to follow along both sides of the story. I appreciate that!

Notes/other: It will be interesting to see where the story goes, and if Tyran will consequently learn about the magical world. Great job!


Author's Response: This review makes me happy! I'm really glad that you are liking it and already wondering things about the characters and the plot line! This is my first attempt at a mystery so I'm glad its at least bringing up some questions for you! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #10, by Rumpelstiltskin one

13th April 2014:
I'm doing the first-chapter sweep of the challenge reviews (and I'll be back to review the rest of the story, ideally before the deadline, but definitely before winners are declared).

Plot/plot arch: A serial murder -- it's perhaps an odd element to become excited over, but I can't help it! As luck would have it, it appears that one of our main characters is going to be Taryn, after all! I'm glad she got a chance to participate! I also love that you've begun taking us readers step-by-step through the investigation. I find this extremely fun...especially since this poor girl seems to be investigating a wizard's murder. Ah yes, the victim is Dean Thomas! I assume that the other investigators are from the wizarding authorities. A clue! I wonder what "wanderers" means. Also, one of the other detectives seems to be part of the Next Generation crew! I can't wait to see who it is!

Characterization: Craig -- He seems very dedicated to this case, causing him to be angry at the murderer. I like that quality in a detective; it makes me feel like I'm watching a television show where one of the character's flaws is an untamed temper. I love it. Taryn -- Is forced to fetch coffee instead of participate in the case. You'd think that Craig would want everybody able on the case to help discover the murderer...but I know how these things go! I like her (if I'm not mistaken) passive-agressive thoughts while making her boss' coffee. I also love that she completely overlooked Mark's advances on her, as she's far too excited just to be on the case. Her sudden fear of messing up stems a little from Craig's fear that she'll mess up, I believe. I like this character so far! Mark -- Every story needs a Mark. The good guy who 'hits' on and reassures his female companion :). Great job!

Detail: Really, you've done a fantastic job at including just enough descriptors to give me a feel of what's going on, but not overloading as to obscure the point. It was a really good choice, in my opinion.

Style: You have a traditional style of nice, full paragraphs and sentences, with just enough dialogue to break up the text. You also have a typical forward progression of time. You are mastering the traditional styles of writing, and it's absolutely fantastic!

Notes/other: I can't wait to read more of this! I'll be back!


Author's Response: This review has completely made my day! Honestly, you've really made me feel really good about this story and the way that its written! I'm glad that you are liking the different characters and all that is happening. You shall soon see who is going to be in the next gen crew! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review!


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Review #11, by LavenderBlue two

30th March 2014:
Second chapter! More mystery! Bring it on.

Ooh, so this is going to be a varied POV. I assume you'll be alternating between Taryn's and Albus' perspectives? It can be tricky to switch between two characters, but the approach has a lot of potential. It allows your reader a parallel look at both Taryn's police environment and Albus' Auror environment and how those overlap and differ when it comes to this murder case. I like!

I love that you've given Albus a reason to solve this case that is different but just as compelling as Taryn's motive. He may not need to prove himself, but these murders are hitting close to home, and he's determined to bring the murderer to justice. Seriously, you're a pro at setting up compelling motivators. And if the protagonists are motivated, then the reader is motivated to find out if they get their goal or not! Like me. It's only two chapters in, and I really, really want them to catch this not-12+-word! :]

Albus and Harry. Good gosh, that was adorable. It's believable that, though the news of Dean's death is difficult, Harry would be holding up well externally. He's seen a TON of death in his life, and especially in his career as an Auror, I'm sure. You also do a good job of making Albus an empathetic character by showing how much he cares about his Dad's emotional health.

On to the mystery! Again, I like the approach you're taking with two POVs, especially in a mystery context, because it's similar to hearing two eye witness accounts. Though the meat of the story is the same, the details are different. And as any good detective knows, the answer is in the details!

I am curious as to why Albus would just assume the murderer is a woman? Just because the clue is written in lipstick doesn't mean that the murderer wrote it, and even if it was the murderer, it could just as easily be a guy trying to throw off the scent. Of course, this isn't a problem if Albus is a guy who jumps to conclusions. But if the perpetrator really is a woman, I might reconsider how easily you give that fact away.

NO! Taryn is going all kissy face, and I can only assume it's with Marcus. Ho hum. This does not bode well for lover boy Albus. Though I imagine, of course, that other circumstances are going to throw him and Taryn together. >:] I'm curious to read Taryn's perspective...

Poor Bella. D: I can't imagine. Though I wonder if there is more meaning in her words than Albus and Victoire think there is? Maybe Bella knows something about the murder she's not letting on? Just speculation, but I like that you're planting doubts like this in my head as the reader.

It's interesting to see that Victoire is an Auror. I hope she'll be making more appearances, because she acts as a good foil to Albus. She seems the more merciful/rule-bending type.

Like Taryn, I think Albus could benefit from a little more fleshing out. It's clear that he takes his job seriously and seems to get along well with his fellow Aurors. But how does he work as an Auror? Is he more analytical? Deductive? Intuitive? I'm curious as to HOW he works, since being an Auror is clearly such a huge part of his life. Additional details on this can give his characterization some more pop.

A couple of typos I noted:
"its Dean Thomas" --> "it's Dean Thomas"
"appearated" --> "apparated"
"I briefly peaked" and "she peaked into the loo" --> "peeked"
"My apologizes" --> "My apologies"
"thinking its her fault" --> "thinking it's her fault"

Overall, I think you've got a good start here! Your storyline and protagonists are clearly defined, and I'm genuinely eager to read more. Hope that my reviews have helped some in the writing process. I plan on continuing to read. I want to find out who this mysterious killer is!

Author's Response: Ok wow this is a really long review! I love the fact that you think I do a great job setting up compelling motivators, especially since this is the first murder mystery (or mystery of any kind) that I have written. Thank you so much for this absolutely fantastic review! I will definitely look into everything that you've said and try and fit it in and make this story even better. I'm really glad that you liked this story and plan to continue reading it when I get the next chapter posted! Hopefully it wont be too much longer! Thanks again for reading and reviewing!


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Review #12, by LavenderBlue one

30th March 2014:
Hey there! LavenderBlue here with your requested review. Crime drama. YEAH. You mentioned that this is your first murder mystery? I'm excited to see how it unfolds. I plan on leaving a review both for this chapter and the next.

You've set a good stage here: a controllable cast of characters, an immediate plot point (the murder investigation), and an identifiable goal for the protagonist. The fact that Taryn wants so badly to prove herself and to not screw up this assignment raises the stakes from the beginning. Those are some solid story-telling building blocks.

You've given us a good amount of detail on your secondary characters. Craig is a semi-antagonist to Taryn and is hindering her goal. Jeanette benefits from Craig's nepotism, but she's also got a tragic story of her own. Marcus looks like he may be a potential love interest? And Trenton strikes me as the old, wise, seasoned veteran of the group. It's a varied enough cast to make things colorful.

What I'm most interested in is Taryn's characterization. I think you've got a good start here: novice with lots of guts trying to prove herself. However, at the moment, her character is falling just a bit flat for me. It takes some guts/independence to wander off on her own and break down a door when she's never done a raid or crack-down before. What gives Taryn that courage? Does it also get her into trouble? Can it border on foolhardiness? In this chapter, she also seems to experience some self-doubt. Could you pick up on that and flesh it out? Basically, I'm looking for a protagonist who's a bit more flawed. That way, when she does awesome things like kick down a door, she doesn't seem too good to be true.

Also, be sure Taryn acts consistently. There's no problem if a character is hypocritical or contradicts herself. But you do have to make sure that she acts consistently with her established personality. If Taryn is the sort of person to assert herself and confront potential trespassers on her own, would she so easily let these other (I'm assuming magical? :]) investigators alone? Wouldn't she be more likely to keep grilling them, to ask what they'd already found out, to be sure that their badges really were legit? In the first half of this chapter she strikes me as inquisitive and assertive. I like that! So don't sacrifice her personality for plot, incorporate it!

DEAN THOMAS? Poor Dean. :( I really like your POV here. It's unique, coming at this story from a purely Muggle perspective. You've chosen a great angle and allowed yourself lots of unique possibilities that just aren't open to a wizarding perspective. As Harry Potter fans, we all know who Dean Thomas is and can suspect the identity of these mysterious other investigators. Taryn doesn't, of course, so this adds a layer of textual tension that keeps my interest as a reader. I've never been introduced to Next Gen Albus Potter this way before, and I like the uniqueness of the approach!

Lastly, just a note on some grammar/syntax. There are some issues with comma placement and punctuation throughout, but the main typo I picked up on was this:

"'Fine,' I lamented" -- Not the appropriate use of 'lament.' The verb implies deep sorrow, and I don't think that's what you're going for! When in doubt, don't shy away from just using "said" as your dialogue tag. It may seem repetitive when you're writing, but it does a good job of focusing the reader on the actual dialogue and not getting tripped up by unusual verbs. :]

This is a very promising beginning! I'm looking forward to delving deeper into the mystery in chapter two.

Author's Response: Your reviews are absolutely amazing and are honestly just making my day! I'm really glad that you feel the way I've introduced the characters are unique and also a good cast of characters to have for the story. I will definitely keep my eye out for those errors and try to fix them! thanks so much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #13, by HeyMrsPotter two

28th March 2014:
Erica! Sorry it's taken me a little longer than anticipated to get around to this review!

This was another GREAT chapter. I love that you've written it in first person, it sets apart the two points of view we've seen so far from your main characters. I liked that you wrote Albus and Taryn meeting from his point of view, it fit really well with the first chapter.

The interaction between Albus and Harry was just adorable, Harry talking about Dean's death was really in character, it's clear that he's used to death in his life but that it still affects him after all these years.

I also really liked the character you've created so far for Albus, he seems very professional and dedicated to his job, as well as a good leader. The little details like him worrying about his co-workers were nice touches :)

I'm really intrigued to find out who Taryn was kissing, and why she was doing it when she's supposed to be working!

If you're struggling to find a beta I would be more than happy to do it for you, I'm so in love with this story already :D

Dee x

Author's Response: Dee! Another wonderful review! I really can't thank you enough for all of your support for this story! I made sure that when I wrote the meeting that I checked how it was written in Taryn's pov to make sure that they would mash up well. I'm really glad that you like my Albus as well! Thanks again for reading and reviewing!


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Review #14, by marauderfan one

21st March 2014:
For our review swap!

Ooh, a murder mystery. I'm sad that Dean was killed though! :( I was expecting it to just be a nameless wizard or at least one I didn't know. So the wizard on the case must be Albus?

I like what you've done with the characters so far, they have clear personalities already. Poor Taryn, having to just get coffee for an unappreciative boss - I'm glad she finally got a bit of recognition and is able to help on a case. And she already found a clue! (though probably doesn't know what it means, but hey it's something.)

I'm really interested in how things will pan out. It doesn't surprise me that Muggles would be called in to investigate a wizard murder, to them its just a murder, but now that Taryn has seen things in the wizarding world... she's sure to ask about the brooms and other probably obvious wizardy things she'll find in the house with more investigation. I wonder how the wizarding side of the case will keep that quiet... anyway, a really intriguing start, and I'm excited to see where it goes! Thanks for the swap!

Author's Response: I'm really glad that you are liking this story so far and think its interesting. Yes the fact that she has already come across some wizard items will prove interesing thats for sure. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #15, by HeyMrsPotter one

21st March 2014:
Erica! This was everything I wanted to be and more :D

I really love the mix of characters you've got so far. I think you painted a good background of Taryn and her co-workers and their work relationships without having the first chapter being overloaded with informatiion. I'm definitely looking forward to learning more about them :)

I'm a little sad that you killed Dean Thomas! Could you not have picked Umbridge or someone awful? Poor Dean :( I do like that it gives Albus a personal involvement in the case, especially since Taryn has one in her need to prove herself to her boss.

I like the way you fitted the Wanderers in there and that it caused the first interaction between Taryn and Albus. Her confusion about the wand and his magic posessions was good too, I wonder if she'll mention it to the others.

Anyway, I thought this was an excellent first chapter, adding to my favourites and already eagerly awaiting the next one! And you're more han welcome for the help, it really was my pleasure :)

Dee x

Author's Response: Dee your review is just so squee worthy! Thank you so much for reading this and just for all the help and support that you have given me with this story. I promise you that I have not given up on this story at all and will hopefully be writing more for it soon! I'm really glad that you liked it! Thanks again for reading and reviewing!


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Review #16, by Ravenclaw333 one

21st March 2014:
This is a good start and promises to be a really interesting story - I look forward to seeing more!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! I'm really glad that you liked this chapter and look forward to reading more!


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