Reading Reviews for What Are You Doing Here?
  
7 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Freda_and_Georgina What Are You Doing Here?

10th July 2014:
For the House Cup 2014 Review
Kids never seem to stay put, don't they? As soon as they can walk it's *Vroom!*
Hmm, a Malfoy interested in Gryffindor? How unusual.
I thought there used to be 4 to a boat...maybe they had to rebuild them after the war?
Good job with the Sorting Song! A lot of people skip them, but you managed rhyme and even a somewhat regular meter.
That first Gryffindor has a very unfortunate last name.
Wow, Scorpius has a big crush already? That was fast. What??
I wondered about him. I think the description gave a little more away in advance than the story did. I'm still surprised he decided to board the train in the first place.
Oh dear, I wonder who's missing their wand? Haha love the review prompt! Well, here you go! (yummy yummy!)
--Freda

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Review #2, by MadiMalfoy What Are You Doing Here?

3rd June 2014:
Hi there! :) I'm here for the Merlin challenge!

Well, what a fabulous way to incorporate the non-magical challenge with my Merlin challenge--bravo to you! Thank you for entering into my challenge, also! :)

So anyway, onto my actual review! I think you wrote this very well; it had a nice pace, if a bit rushed in a few parts. I like that you had Scorpius befriending Rose (I'm a Scorose shipper myself) but not pushing it after having only known her for a few hours. Very good characterization of the next-generation kids, especially with the non-typical House sortings! It makes your story more unique.

And poor little Jacob Smith! I really liked your OC; you wrote him very well considering the situation he was thrown into and then swept along to. Maybe a little bit more description would have been nice to allow the reader to understand just how Jacob was feeling about everything from the train to the sorting and the crazy fantastical food.

Anywho, a great piece and I'm excited to see how you do in this challenge and your other challenge! Thanks again for entering! :)
~MsdiMalfoy x

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Review #3, by DracosGirl012 What Are You Doing Here?

27th May 2014:
Hello, HEG! I'm reviewing your entry to my challenge. FIrst, I'd like to say thanks so much for entering!
Your story was really cute. I found Jacob really endearing. I've always wondered what would happen if a muggle accidentally ended up on Platform 9 3/4. That you chose a young person made it really believable too. Kids are the most likely to follow someone through a brick wall! (Well, in this case, anyways.)
All in all, this was a really cute story, something that I've never seen before so it made it really unique. Thanks again for your entry! :)

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Review #4, by GingeredTea What Are You Doing Here?

23rd May 2014:
This was a really cute story!

The introduction was a little shaky - I wish I had, had more information in the beginning. First year? second year? The fact they were talking about 'new professors' threw me for a minute when I had thought they were first years, then I realized, yes, they were.

Jacob was a twist, unrealistic but super cute in a story. His mum's response at the end was hilarious - but did make me wonder if SHE was a witch (what was useful about his trip, if not that he brought back wand?).

Your characterization was really good for eleven year olds - light and night serious. The dialogue was not eloquent, but that fit nicely with your characters (that's a compliment, just to be clear).

I laughed as I read parts, and it was sweet and fun without being so fluffy that I fell asleep. :)

Thank you for a wonderful read!

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Review #5, by Sado What Are You Doing Here?

23rd March 2014:
What a story!!! I really liked the sorting hat's new song)) As to the story, it was as always AWSOME)) I have never read anything like it and that's why it is unique. Good Job!!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much Sado! I am glad you liked it and think it is unique! I tried my hardest to make it my own :)
HEG


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Review #6, by True Author What Are You Doing Here?

23rd March 2014:
Hi! Here for our review swap! I wasn't sure if you wanted a specific story to be reviewed, so I went ahead and picked this one up. Hope that's okay with you! :)

I totally liked your characterization here. Rose and Al were just how I imagine them to be and Hagrid was perfectly canon even in his brief appearance. I think that's probably because you used his accent and wrote him really well!

But certainly the best and the most hilarious part was that Jacob boy. xD I loved that! You wrote that in a very different but sort of funny way and it did seem realistic. Great job with that!

But I just think you should add a bit more description to the first part of the chapter. When I started to read, it was hard to figure out where it all was happening and what was going on, so just put a little description in the opening? That should definitely help. Also you can try reducing the dialogue on Hogwarts Express and show what was going on. Describe their compartment, add who is sitting beside who or describe how all the children looked like. That would help you with the flow. I used to do the exact same thing a while ago, I used too much dialogue. Now I've figured out that description in lot important too and both should be balanced. Adding descriptions does help, believe me!

Great job!
Ashwini

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I reallly apprecaite the bit of constructive critisism you have given me there and it will be edited :)
HEG


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Review #7, by Karou_Marauder What Are You Doing Here?

20th March 2014:
Hi there!

Rose sounds a lot like Hermione here! Very obedient, mostly. I like the way you had her not completely rule-abiding by letting Albus convince her, but still wanting to run off when Ginny wasn't looking.

Ok, Jacob interests me, particularly because this is part of the 'Non-magical' challenge. I'm having serious suspicions here!

The train ride could DEFINITELY have been longer. There's a big opportunity to set up your characters' personalities, characteristics etc on the train ride, a great way to give out more information about them through their first conversations with each other, but I didn't see much of that here, which would have been nice. Also, you could have explained why Scorpius changed his views on the houses to want to be with Rose.

I think both Scorpius and Albus would have argued more with the Hat, even if they didn't know that it allowed you to. From what we know of in the epilogue, Albus is very set on Gryffindor. Maybe your Albus is different, but again we don't see very much of him so we don't know.

Haha! Jacob is very clueless...silly boy. Who on earth would get on a train to somewhere you've never heard of? Silly silly Jacob. My suspicions were confirmed.

Quick side not - a few of your speech marks are backwards, especially after hyphens, but I guess that's just the programme you're using to write in. Easily fixed!

I liked this story, but I feel it could have been longer. Anyway, great job!

-Karou

Author's Response: HI Karou :)
Thank you so much for the review. You've made my day :D. Thank you for the constructive criticism, I am taking it into account and I will be editing it as soon as I get the chance. I'm glad you liked it!
HEG


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