Reading Reviews for A Black story
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Leonore Hogwarts

24th March 2014:
Hello again!

Nice start to the story, and I'll pop back every now and then to catch up. I like your new summary, by the way.

I would just like to mention the "new speaker, new line" rule - it makes conversations so much easier to follow :P Otherwise, good grammar and spelling, and you write conversation well.

In answer to your previous response: no, it is not weird to respond; in fact it is very much encouraged, especially for long reviews when the reviewer is often interested in the author's views. So respond away! We all make it up as we go along anyway ;)

Anyway, I don't have much time so I'm just going to have to say keep up the good work and goodbye!
- Leonore

Author's Response: Hi there,

Thank you for your new review, I really appreciate it!
I'll try to put in the 'new speaker, new line' rule in the next chapter haha, I hope the last chapters weren't that hard to follow :s

Thanks again!


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Review #2, by wizardunicorn From orphan to witch

9th March 2014:
This sounds really interesting! I want more!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading! And I'm working on it, it'll be updated soon

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Review #3, by Leonore From orphan to witch

9th March 2014:
Hello! I thought as you're new I'd welcome you to HPFF and give you your first (I think) review.

It's a great first chapter, fast-moving so that it doesn't drag and you can get to the focus of the plot quicker. One point I have is that the end is perhaps a little too rushed - especially when Professor McGonagall explains why her father is in Azkaban. I'd expect her to be more gentle about it, perhaps pointing out that no-one would judge Gabrielle (but knowing that it wasn't true). Or even struggling to hide her prejudice (that is especially if you want to make a bit of a theme of her being judged on her father). And Gabrielle's reaction - perhaps disbelief or anger, not just a nod. It's going to be a story about her, so you need to develop a character - I'd recommend making lists of her likes and dislikes, good and bad traits.

It works well anyway, that's just what I would do with this situation. There's a lot of underused potential. And OC development is the biggest obstacle when writing - I'm suffering the results of a lack of characterisation now (16 or so chapters in) so don't make the same mistake!

I love your opening, that picture of orphanage life. It's so often predicted as cruel, but you say that they skipped the meal - not were deprived of it - suggesting that they have a certain amount of freedom. And the stars stuck on the ceiling show a certain affection for the children (not just a job).

And your short last paragraph rounds the chapter off nicely.

> Gabrielle concluded it were coins.
I think you mean "concluded that it was coins" or something similar - take another look at that line, anyway.

I may well come back to this story when you've written a few more chapters (time permitting). It's shaping up well. Although could you please do something about your summary? You need to get people interested in the plot, convince them to read, not go "this isn't very good". If it isn't, then they won't read on. If it is, you've lost the chance by putting them off at the first stage. Think of the kind of blurb that attracts you to read a novel.

Good job, especially as your first chapter on the archives. Just sort that summary - we're all amateurs here and the favourite authors on the site started where you are now. Sell yourself, because when you're starting out you first need to get readers following your story. Then they'll read everything you post, and suddenly you're off.

Again, welcome to the site, and enjoy being an author!

-Leonore

Author's Response: Thank you for the advice! I'll do something about the summary - although I suck at writing summaries - And thank you for welcoming me, that's so nice of you. I hope you didn't think it was too horrible! This is my first story and I'm not that good of a writer anyways, but I'll try my best.

Thanks again

Ps: I'm not sure if I have to respond to reviews maybe it's weird or maybe it's not, sorry if it's unusual or something


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