Reading Reviews for A Tale of Star-Crossed Lovers
34 Reviews Found

Review #1, by AbraxanUnicorn In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

21st May 2017:
I couldn't just review the first chapter; I had to check this one out too :)

I pictured the gold-jewel-fairy-laden chandelier, as you suggested, but then was told that Eloise didn't have anything like that, and I must admit, I was a tad affronted that I'd gone to all that trouble of imagininga lavish light-fittingwhen I needn't have. Still, it's a beautiful chandelier and perhaps one day when I don't have to spend my money replacing toasters, I'll haveone made to my specifications (a chandelier, that is. No-one wants a fairy-laden toaster, after all).

OMG, the paintings! Now that's a concept I'd love to invest in. All you'd need would be a one-roomed house, and theartwork could take you wherever you wanted to go. Admittedly, it would be a bit of an inconvenience to only burn one's toast every 2nd Wednesday, but it would be a small price to pay. Think of the possibilities ...

I did feel for Ron, getting trapped in a few paintings (a yurt picture would have been nice, don't you think?), but it's marvellous that he had his mobile with him. I'm glad phone reception wasn't sketchy (I can tellhe's not withVodafone) and he could contact Genghis for help, even though he didn't really need him in the end. That was a nice plot twist, the unnecessary rescue.

Ooh, and it's a fake-dating story as well? I LOVE fake-dating stories. I'm really glad they managed to fake date and get married in the end. Oh, that's not the end, is it, because they go off and do pirate-y things with Dramione. Of course.

One thing I did want to ask - what happens if one enters a painting on a 2nd Wednesday but doesn't leave it on the same day? Do they have to wait a month in the painted castle? (Oh,could Genghis Khan's emergency yurt service get them out of bother, providing they have a mobile, of course?)

This was great fun! I'd love to swap again sometime :)

Brax X

Author's Response: Awww! Thank you for the extra review!

Oh, I'm sorry about the extra work. But hey, at least it gave you a free daydream. Why not sell the toaster and replace it with a chandelier that has actual candles, and then if you want toast you can toast bread on a long stick by holding it up to the candle flames. Before you say it wouldn't work, would it be any worse than your current toaster? :P

That's a million dollar idea right there.

HAhaha! My mobile carrier is terrible as well and your Vodafone comment cracked me up XD Pretty impressive that his phone even worked in the 14th century or wherever he went, but if anyone asks for explanations: magic.

I admit I enjoy fake dating stories too, but it's such a trope I had to mock it :P

You should ask Ron or Eloise or even Genghis Khan about that, as I have no personal experience with magical portal paintings. I've never been able to enter any of the paintings in my own house - I just tend to get a bruise on the forehead from walking into a solid object.

Thanks so much for the swap and for the super kind additional review! ♥

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Review #2, by AbraxanUnicorn In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

21st May 2017:
Hey Kristin! I'm here for our review swap :)

I chose this story because I absolutely adore parodies, and, just like the last one of yours I read, it's absolutely brilliant and so off-point that it's perfectly on-point. It's full of genius lines, which any self-respecting parody should be, of course.

(I gave you full marks for the plot and characterisation, by the way, but I'd have liked more yurt, even though it's not the yurt's story to tell).
Draco's believable shift from Voldemort's bottom-wiper, to textbook muggle was written very convincingly. I love the reasoning behind his change of heart. The inclusion of toast, toasters, Dancing With The Stars, and dancing, was neatly done, and how he re-met and fell in love with Hermione Granger is not at all contrived, nonono. Toasters can be tetchy things, and I have much sympathy for Draco; our toaster has a tendency to drama too. My bread goes from not-even-warm to charcoal within a matter of nano-seconds, with the teensiest window of perfection somewhere in the middle. Might I suggest that Draco stands over his toaster with a hammer during future rounds of toast-making, ready to bash the eject button at the exact moment his toast is done? (I find that merely prodding the button has no effect). Or perhaps he can get his parrot to do it for him.

Viktor Krum's School of Dance had me absolutely howling; and I thank you for pointing out what a busy little seventh-year student Viktor had been, right? Not content with passing his Bulgarian NEWTs (or TPNTOHs - the N should be reversed, btw, but I can't find the symbol for it), on top of being a world-class quidditch player, he has to have a crack at the Triwizard cup too. Did he have a time-turner to fit all this in??

The shoe references were a lovely touch. I really enjoyed learning about everyone's footwear (what about the Mongolian dude in the yurt, though?). That Hermione's heels became higher and higher, yet she still managed to walk in them was incredibly impressive. That woman must have Achilles tendons of steel.

I wondered where you were taking this story when everybody decided to become pirates, but again, this plot twist turned out to be a particularly good one (more yurts, please), and I adored how the howlers were recycled and used as cannon material. (It was heartwarming the way that the yurt saved the day in the end).

This story was so brilliant! I see that there's an additional bit, even though "the end" is stated at the bottom of this one. Even when I think it's over, it's not. So full of unexpectedness - genius!

Thank you so much for the swap!

Brax X

Author's Response: :D

Has anyone told you that you leave wonderful reviews? Because you do.

Luckily for you, as you must have discovered when you read the second chapter, there is more yurt. Huzzah. :P

Very glad to hear you liked the captivating toast saga nested within this story, as well as Draco's choices of television and the very well contrived plot. This story was actually written while I was living in a place that had a dysfunctional toaster so yes, it is partially based on a true story. I feel your pain with the 0-to-charcoal in .2 seconds toaster.

Omg! Yes! That's so cool that you know what the Bulgarian equivalent of NEWTs would be. Does that language use Russian characters? And is that the direct translation of 'newt' or is it 'nastily exhausting wizard test' translated? hahaha I hope you don't mind if I PM you about this because I'm really curious about it now and I know you can't actually answer my review response :P

Thank you, I'm so glad you liked the descriptions of everyone's shoes. Of course, thorough descriptions always put your best foot forward in writing. #puns *cymbal crash* And of course as we know Hermione can do anything, even wear towering stilettos.

Yes I kind of wondered where I was taking it too. Glad it turned out all right :P

That was originally the end, but then everyone asked me 'what about the fancy castle? Or the yurt?' so I had to write a follow-up!

Thanks so much for the swap! :D

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Review #3, by Rainbowtui In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

24th February 2017:
Toasters and flying yurts...

Walking around carrying a toaster...

Dancing with a toaster...

And a parrot named Lyra,but of course,who can make toast and pancakes...

I don't quite know what more to say about this lovely crazy bewilderingly realistic story. Perhaps I should take to carrying around a toaster? Hmm, that could be interesting, but no, no,I shall stick to books, lovely, lovely books :-)

Author's Response: The toaster really is the star of the story, I guess :P

Thank you so much for your review! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story :)

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Review #4, by APerkins In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

27th April 2016:
And it turns out you are still active! I promise I had no idea you had a dramione parody when I wrote mine. But thats hilarious that we have both written such different parodies! I love it.. You obviously know I loved the idea of poking fun at this ship - and you have done such an absolutely fantastic job at it! Congratulations, I thoroughly approve of the mocking of the Dramione ship (literally) and did you have any idea I was in Mongolia myself about the time you wrote this?? ( you cant have, but it is a part of the reason I was absent for so long)
On a technical note, in Mongolia, they dont actually have yurts. well they do, but they dont call them yurts. Common misconception because nobody actually speaks mongolian. they have Gers. Not kidding :-P
I really loved that story, and I might try and check in to read the rest of brave at heart and leave reviews, so pleased to see its finished!) Right now have to go, but hope you are doing well, and loved this story! :-D
Oh when did we have to start putting ratings in? Thats hard.

Author's Response: Anthea!!! Wowww hi! I honestly never expected this, welcome back! Ahh it's good to see you here again. Haha, Dramione parodies, good times. I did really love yours! :D And thanks, I'm so glad you loved the poking fun at the ship :D No way, you were in Mongolia?! That's awesome, I bet you have loads of good stories and hope you had a great adventure.

About gers vs. yurts... I think I knew that, somewhere in my subconscious, and now I'm wondering where they actually DO use yurts. Hmm... Thanks for the correction though, good to know! (I may leave it as yurts in the fic though because now in addition to being an unrealistic Dramione with a bad plot, now it's badly researched as well. I think that's only a plus in this situation :P )
Thanks so much for stopping by and reading - it's so good to hear from you again! I hope life is treating you well these days. ♥
The ratings don't matter, the author can never actually see them so I'm not sure why that feature is there tbh :P

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Review #5, by alicia and anne In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

13th February 2016:
Hello!!! I am finally here! Sorry about the wait.

I'm finally finishing reading this one, woo!

I can really picture just how glamourous this castle is and I'm jealous that I do not in fact have a castle.

I'm sorry but your princess is in another castle. That just totally popped into my head when they couldn't find her that wednesday haha.

Oh no! I hope that Dave was found! I'm worried about him being lost forever.


THIS WAS SO AMAZING! I absolutely loved it!!! I hope that you want to write more like this one day!

You really made the characters stand out and I couldn't stop laughing throughout this entire chapter. I'm still laughing now thinking about how Ron would totally carry a fridge around with him so that he's never going hungry.

You are so talented at writing parodies. I love it so much!

Author's Response: No worries - timeliness is never a thing that concerns me :P

Sigh, yeah, don't we all want a castle. :D Hahaha love it XD I've definitely played a few games of hide-and-seek in my youth where I hid too well and, without my knowing, people gave up the game rather than finding me, so Eloise has it pretty well where she can pass the time by exploring castles at least!

Haha :P Dave was fine. He phoned Genghis Khan's Emergency Yurt Service.

You're in luck - Auror's Kitchen IS real :P Technically it's called Death Eater's Kitchen, it's a bit farther down on my AP, the one with the really goofy banner of quiche. :P I hope you enjoy :D

Ron would totally carry a fridge with him, haha. (I bet he's mad jealous of Hermione's beaded bag.) The fridge thing came about because of all the times I've seen something mentioned in fic about "Then I shrank my textbooks/owl/entire school trunk/other cumbersome large noun, and easily put it in my pocket because magic." So yeah, pocket fridge! (I want one.)

Wah, thank you *hugs Tammi* Thanks for a wonderful review!

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Review #6, by cherry_pop94 In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

28th December 2015:
Hilarious again!

I howled with laughter at the thought of Genghis Khan's Emergency Yurt services. HOWLING.

My love for this story only grows. The castles, the refrigerator, the YURT. But then you sprung Auror's Kitchen on me! I could barely contain myself! Do I sense another story brewing? About Moody yelling at people about cooking?

I love this, but you already knew that. Thanks for writing this!


Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it so much in all its nonsensical glory.

Auror's Kitchen... EXISTS. :P Well, the story is called Death Eater's Kitchen, actually - it's an older one on my AP, the only story with a comparably awful banner as this one. :P

Thanks for reading! I'm so glad you stopped by, these reviews were such a delight :)

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Review #7, by cherry_pop94 In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

27th December 2015:
Hello! Here for the review I promised!


The Dramione ship has sailed. No one puts Draco Malfoy in a corner. THE MONGOLIAN. GENGHIS KHAN. THE YURT. Sassy Lyra telling Draco were to shove his shoeless foot! The toaster! Viktor Krum's School of Dance! I HAVE NOT YET STOPPED LAUGHING.

Oh god this is just too good. TOO GOOD. I am also fully expecting a novel length saga about the Mongolian wizard's expedition on his Flying Yurt cruising about, adding rockets, rescuing Ron, rescuing the world from the battling ships with icebergs (BRILLIANT BY THE WAY), and then united the Mongol tribes.

Oh the Mongolian. He's my favourite character ever. I love this so much. It's getting a favourite!

I'll be back soon to read the next chapter!


Author's Response: Hi! Wow, thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed the story that much and appreciated all its gratuitous plot devices and random historical figures/electrical appliances/movie references. And sadly you would not believe how long it took for me to actually come up with the name Dramione for the ship - once it came to me it seemed so obvious, but there was a lot of thinking about that beforehand XD

I'm sure Genghis Khan appreciates your appreciation of him, given his rather bad reputation in the history books. Sadly no one seems to know about his rescue yurt business.

I'm so glad this story made you laugh. Thanks so much for your review! It really brightened my day :)

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Review #8, by MrsJaydeMalfoy In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

9th December 2015:
Hahaha! Another splendidly hilarious chapter! You kept that same sarcastic tone going throughout, I loved it!

Oh. Mygosh. Genghis Khan not only had a cell phone, but also came to fly Ron from one floor of the castle to another! *Dies*

And Ron carrying a refrigerator in his pocket doesn't sound too far-fetched, actually. The boy eats so much! :P

The completely contradictory first paragraphs are brilliant also!!

And for some reason, what most struck me here was the "Telltale whooshing of a rocket"... LOL! You may not have even intended that bit to be funny.. but to me that's just hilarious.. because SO many people know what rockets sound like.. LOL. Okay I think I've officially lost it. :P

Anyway, another fabulously hilarious read! And now I'll go hunt down something else of yours... *breaks out magnifying glass*

Author's Response: Thanks :D I'm glad you like the tone!

haha, yeah, this chapter is kind of the behind-the-scenes of the previous chapter with the full story of the flying yurt owned by Genghis Khan himself. Sometimes I wonder where I come up with these things.

The refrigerator, yeah, not too far fetched for Ron :P But I've seen sooo many fics where people just shrink whatever cumbersome objects/all their personal belongings and shrink it and shove it in their pocket, despite how difficult such a charm would be - as well as wizards having cell phones in fics and it was all just a bit too convenient to not make fun of :P

Those intro paragraphs - hasn't everyone said something like this once, like made a comparison of one thing to another only to realize halfway through your sentence that they're not at all the same? XD (Or is it just me?)

Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed that line! Ahaha and now you're making me laugh with your analysis of it because I don't think I'd put much thought into that line, but now I'm imagining a really whooshy rocket... what a weird word. :p

Thanks so much, Jayde! I absolutely love your reviews and I really appreciate your visiting my AP ♥

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Review #9, by MrsJaydeMalfoy In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

9th December 2015:
Happy Hot Seat, lovely!! *hug*

Bahahah! I needed a good laugh today, and this did NOT disappoint! It's just got the perfect, slightly sarcastic tone that lets us know it's a parody, but there's still a clear plot and character development.

I LOVED how you kept repeating 'SO realistic', etc. :P And the Howlers were a nice touch, too! And the constant toast! Bahaha!

Also, can I just say how hilarious it is that Draco watches Dancing with the Stars? :D Seriously, dear, this was just the laugh I needed today! Now I'm really looking forward to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Jayde, thanks so much for stopping by with a review! ♥ ♥

Aw, I'm so glad you got a good laugh out of this and that you enjoy my sarcastic parody tone :P Lol, plot and character development - I wasn't aware this fic possessed that XD

Isn't this the way the world works and how people fall in love? If this isn't realistic then I must be greatly mistaken about life :p Ahaha, the toast was inspired by real life! At the time I was living in a place that constantly had a broken toaster and it was sad because I often wanted toast. I'd forgotten all about it until just now :P

Most of this fic was written on a long bus ride in the dark from some tiny, rural town in New Zealand to another tiny town, and I was tired and loopy, so I can't explain why Dancing with the Stars haha! Anyway I'm so glad you enjoyed this and that you got a laugh out of it. Hope you enjoy the weird sequel chapter, which isn't actually related. :P Thanks so much for your review ♡

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Review #10, by Roisin In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

11th August 2015:

Bahahahahaha, like all relationships based on lies and manipulation, they fell in love. Genius.

YES a reference to Auror's Kitchen! Fantastic!

Man this story is so brilliant. It made me have to go back and read the first chapter and then I fell in love all over again. I wish I could favorite it a thousand, million times! You are just so, so good at parody!

YOU SHOULD WRITE A SCOROSE PARODY. Do it do it do it! It would make me so happy!


Author's Response: A sequel indeed. I'm kind of like Hollywood in that I'll write a totally unplanned sequel just because the first one was well received. So I hope this sequel stands up better than the random 4th Indiana Jones movie. :P

I will admit that sometimes I do enjoy a fake-dating story if it's written well, but they are such a cliche idea that I couldn't keep my satiric pen away from it.

Haha, glad you enjoyed that reference. I couldn't resist!

Wah, thank you so much!! ♥ ♥ I consider you to be one of the best authors on HPFF and having you say such great things about my silly writing is like WHOA.

YES I SHOULD. Omg, I hadn't even considered writing a Scorose parody but now I really want to! (and in fact, since you mention it, I'm just days away from posting a new parody, though this one isn't scorose) But if/when I do write a Scorose parody, it'll be for you! :)

Thanks for your review!! ♥

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Review #11, by alicia and anne In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

29th July 2015:
I absolutely love that Draco's favourite tv programme is dancing with the stars! I bet he wishes that he was a contestant! Oh Draco! I feel your pain! Noone makes my toast for me either :( And it makes me oh so sad. I WISH THAT I HAD THOUGHT TO BUY A PARROT TO DO EVERYTHING FOR ME! Although I suppose it's good I haven't so that the parrot doesn't yell at me either.

That is one sassy parrot! Lyra is brilliant!



Of course Hermione is wearing seven-inch stilettos, She has to! Now she's so tall and powerful!






Hahahah omg! Salty Jean! Hahahah

THIS WAS JUST PURE BRILLIANCE! I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING! You have such an amazing talent! Please just write lots of stories like this!

Author's Response: Wah, thank you so much for this amazing surprise review! It made me laugh out loud (actually out loud, not just the LOL where you sit at the computer with a straight face and type "LOL", but a real LOL with sound). I just love the amount of enthusiasm in it. :D

You're so right, Draco TOTALLY wishes he was a contestant in DWTS. Haha, learn from Draco's mistakes and don't opt for the parrot - maybe get a raven or some bird that doesn't know how to talk that is still intelligent enough to make toast for you. :P

Omg, I kind of died laughing when I first read the glen coco line in your review and I'm laughing at it again as I re-read it. I kind of want to copy and paste it and just make it the whole story summary.

Thank you so much for this review, and your compliments!! As for lots of stories like this, I have written several other absurd humour stories (and working on another one... can't stop won't stop)

This review was so great. Thank you ♥

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Review #12, by Penelope Inkwell In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

20th July 2015:
For the House Cup 2015, Penny

This story is everything I never knew I wanted and desperately needed. I don't really know exactly what just happened, but I do know that I never stop smiling. I dearly love a good Dramione, but I also dearly love poking fun at my favorite things, and you've done it so well here! Draco is a Muggle pirate, who can use the internet but not the toaster! Hermione is wearing shoes that are more suited to weaponry! Everyone's on a pirate ship. Genghis Khan built a flying yurt! Look, it's just...incredible. That's the only word for all this. It's really something.

Highlight reel: "I know exactly vhat you mean," said Viktor sympathetically. "After the year vhen I vas simultaneously an international Qvidditch star, a student trying to pass my exams in another language, and a Trivizard champion, being only a Qvidditch star has become dull."
--ohmygosh i am crying

Sparks flew between them, which destroyed Draco's new toaster

The toaster saga as a subplot is really remarkable. So I had to remark upon it. What excellent use of Muggle artifacts for comedic purpose.


Author's Response: Penny!!! Thank you so much for the review(s) and I'm so sorry it's taken me ages to respond! This review though - it really made my day. I am glad you found what you never knew you needed, in this story. Hehe, I love to poke fun at my favourite things too and I appreciate it when people like my poking fun at their favourite things as well :P

So glad you enjoyed all the time traveling, fashionable, swashbuckling silliness of this story, especially the toaster saga! It is kind of like its own character. (A reviewer a while back even wanted to start a Krum/Toaster ship for that scene when Krum holds the toaster. :P but I digress.)

This review really made me smile and I'm so glad you enjoyed the story! Thanks so much for stopping by and leaving this wonderful review! ♥

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Review #13, by Lostmyheart In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

13th January 2015:
Omg. What did I just read?!?!?!?!

I am crying now, I've been laughing so hard! Seriously, your humor is so amazing and incredibly random at times. I LOVE IT!
Of course their ship is called Dramione. Omg.

That parrot of his, and his bare feet, and his want to be a pirat. WHAT. I laughed so hard, I tried to supress them into sniggers, so others wouldn't hear me. Probably why I'm crying now. It's not healthy to supress laughter. It comes out of the eyes *_*

I love this story. I love the jokes. And the way you narrate the whole thing. Yay for the Mongolian wizard!
And I noticed your hint to Titanic ;) Nie touch.

Gah. I must read the second chapter, but I suspect I might die of laughter this time. Like, really die. Of happiness.


Author's Response: haha, your first line seems to be the reaction of most people on reading this story :P

Aw, thank you - I am so glad you enjoyed it! The random comes from having written this on a long bus ride and I was a bit tired and loopy :P

you wouldn't believe how long it took for me to actually come up with the ship name haha. (Too long.) And then it seemed so obvious :p

I'm so glad the story made you laugh so much, and that you enjoyed the corny jokes and references to Titanic and random historical emperors saving the day. I'm also glad that they were laugh tears, and not tears that I destroyed Dramione :P *hands over tissue*

This review made my day so much. Thank you!!! (And also thanks for recommending the story on the forums omg!)

♥ ♥ ♥

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Review #14, by (Your very late) Secret Santa In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

8th January 2015:
I seriously have to give Kudos to you Kristin to be able to write parodies! This is such a laugh but I know I would struggle so much with writing anything that wasn't 100% serious with a proper and accurate plot instead of just being like "eh, will see how it goes with this idea and these characters"

Because you get something like this and it turns out awesome!

That Monty Python reference, made me very happy :D

Typical Ron though would get himself lost both in a castle and in time as well, and to have Genghis Khan save him! What a story. Bravo! *claps loudly*

Lots of fun reading these two little stories, must've been lots of fun to write :D

Secret Santa x

Author's Response: Aw, thank you! Parodies are what happen when I don't want to put much coherent thought into my writing haha. If it makes you feel better, I struggle with serious proper plots so we're even. :p

So glad you liked the Monty Python reference, I couldn't resist! :p

I've found that the best adventures happen from getting lost. Lucky Ron getting lost both in time and in his own house. :p

I'm so glad you enjoyed this story, and yes it was a blast to write ;) Thanks so much for your reviews! ♥

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Review #15, by (Your very late) Secret Santa In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

8th January 2015:
I had to read this because I'm a sucker for Dramione *wink wink*

This story has actually made my morning, what a laugh! i loved how it took all the things that people hate about Dramione, and everything you possibly could imagine up and just squashed it into a story with a funny parody plot that still made sense and came to a roundabout good ending! All the small references made me laugh so much and loved how you popped in the Mongolian Wizard, almost as extra added comic relief, honestly, so much fun :)

I loved also how you made the characters natural, but with a parodist paradigm- Victor was a dance coach, Draco was still a pureblood at heat but living as a muggle pirate Hermione was being girrlly. The little time snippets between Hermione and Victor made me giggle!

I must see what you have written for the next story! What a great way to start my morning! Ah that was so funny :D What a fantastic, funny take of Dramione :)

Secret Santa x

Author's Response: Hehehe, thank you so much! This is about as close to Dramione as I can get :P so I'm glad you appreciated it despite it's ridiculousness.

Aw, I'm so happy to hear that this story made your morning! :) Glad you liked the combination of all the familiar Dramione aspects with the absurd plot and random pop culture references - good to hear it actually made sense too! :p

Pirate Draco was definitely my favourite to write. :p I'm glad you liked the exaggerated version of everyone haha!

Thank you so much for your review and I'm glad you liked this Dramione parody :)

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Review #16, by EnigmaticEyes16 In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

21st December 2014:
Hi! I am here for our swap! And first off, I have to ask, is this supposed to be a spoof? Because it seems very much like a spoof. I mean, just in the first couple paragraphs, we learn Draco has decided to live as a muggle, his favorite TV show is Dancing with the Stars, and he has parrot that talks like a human being and makes toast... so... yeah.

But it's still hilarious!

I love how Hermione wears giant heels now. I mean, 7 to 9 nice inch heels? I'd probably kill myself just attempting to walk, lol. And there's a thing going on between her and Krum, and more dancing... what? It's so weird.

I love how Draco just walks around town with no shoes, an eye patch, and a toaster. And then he walks into Krum's dance studio and just joins in. And sparks fly between Hermione and him, even though they are not totally in love yet.

But the next time he shows up they are definitely in love! And then their married.

And then it just gets weirder! I don't even know where you come up with this stuff! I love the random tidbits about the Mongolian guy flying around the world.

And Draco and Hermione become pirates and the parrot is the captain of the Dramonie! lol. Go figure. Although, the Dramonie seems like a legit ship name. And they all loot cities and free house elves, of course! I love the cannon fight with howlers and the reminder of Scabbers. I also love the movie references. "Nobody puts Draco Malfoy in the corner" and the snipe at the Titanic about how two people can fit on large peice of wood.

And Hermione is called Salty Jean now, I literally burst out laughing at that. But it's still kind of catchy, too.

And if there were any mistakes, I didn't notice them, either because this was written perfectly or I thought it was all too funny and ridiculous to pay close attention to grammar and spelling.

Anyway, I loved all of this! And I will definitely be reading the second chapter. But not tonight, because I should really get some sleep.

Thanks so much for doing this swap with me and good luck to you on your reviewing goals!


Author's Response: Hehe. Yep, it's definitely a parody, it's a collection of all cliches stuck together combined with a completely nonsensical plot and characters. It's definitely not intended to be good, just silly. :p I'm so glad you thought it was hilarious!

Yep, 9 inch heels, instant falling in love, dancing, a toaster, and random asides about Genghis Khan in a roaming yurt. I'm all about realism. :p

Haha, I'm so glad you liked the bit about the pirate ship and their noble work. And yes, there could be no other name for Draco and Hermione's actual ship than 'Dramione'. (I actually did spend a good while pondering a name for their ship before the obvious answer hit me, haha.) So glad you liked the movie references too :D

I'm so glad you enjoyed reading this and that it made you laugh. Thanks for the swap! And good luck to you as well on your review goal ;)

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Review #17, by Moonyxluna In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

14th December 2014:
This was wonderful.. I need to go watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail again now.. lol!

Ron's whole narrative voice was so entertaining. I love the random Muggle things he keeps in his pocket, and that you still included some of the characterizations that he gets in Dramione stories.

And the Mongolian yurt man returns! hahaha.

This was SO entertaining. I really want a whole story about Mad-Eye Moody having a cooking show.



Author's Response: Omg wow all these reviews from you today, you spoil me! Thank you!!!

So glad you enjoyed Ron's narrative voice and the random Muggle things. I always see characters with Muggle mobile phones in fics and it confuses me, haha.

Genghis Khan the yurt man saves the day! Or at least saves Ron from getting lost in his own house.

Ahaha, funny you should ask about the cooking show story, because it exists! XD It's called Death Eater's Kitchen, the only story on my AP with a worse banner than this one :p

Thanks so much for your review!

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Review #18, by Moonyxluna In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

14th December 2014:
I had to go for this one :p the banner drew me in with all of it's parodic forces.

Draco living as a muggle! There's a sight. And two paragraphs in and Draco owns a parrot.

The level of sarcastic author intertwined in the prose of this story is brilliant, and makes this. I love the absolute destruction of the fourth wall. And the literal sparks ruining Draco's toaster. I definitely laughed out loud at the line from Dirty Dancing.

And the Mongolian wizard. (admittedly I had to Google what a 'yurt' was, but when I got the mental image it was hilarious)

I don't read Dramione too often, but I do love Dramione parodies, and this one was no exception. I love how you put all of the little jabs in with this insane tale, with the sudden love and the sparks. And naming the actual ship in the story as 'Dramione'.

This was fantastic; ridiculously fantastic.

moving on!


Author's Response: My talent in MS Paint rivals that of Van Gogh. :P

bahaha I'm so glad you enjoyed the idea of Draco as a muggle with a parrot! The argument could be made that Lyra owns Draco, but he seems to think otherwise.

Thank you! I'm really happy to hear that you liked the absurd narration and pop culture references and all the patently unrealistic things that happened.

Yurts are the coolest! :D

I love Dramione parodies. ahaha, I'm so glad you enjoyed this, thank you so much for reading and I hope it didn't melt away your brain with its utter silliness :p

Thanks for your review!

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Review #19, by Felpata Lupin In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

24th November 2014:
This is the craziest thing I've ever read!
I've been laughing so hard throughout all the story that I'm crying...
How did you come up with this, Kristin? How?!?
I don't think I could write a coherent review, so let's just say that this was absolutely fantastic!
Love, hugs and kisses!

Author's Response: Heheheh. I really don't know - things I write when I'm tired tend to just be zany. Oh, no need to write a coherent review when the story itself isn't coherent :P But thank you - I'm so glad this made you laugh! :D
♥ Thanks for your review!

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Review #20, by LightLeviosa5443 In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

17th November 2014:
Oh. My. Goodness.

I have never laughed so hard reading anything in my entire life. That was absolutely positively the funniest story I've ever read.

I admire your ability to write something so ridiculous and nonsensical and have it still come out to be a good story! I mean, the pacing was a little fast :P But obviously very realistic.

I'm still laughing. If you actually went crazy writing this I wouldn't be surprised. Teach me how?

I really enjoyed the fact that Lyra spoke perfect English. It was a very nice touch. Okay, no, I have absolutely nothing coherent to say about this story :P That was just. I don't even know. That just was. Okay, but seriously Lyra was probably my favorite character in the whole story.

Also, I didn't know that this was a parody so when I first started reading I was REALLY confused. But it's okay because I understand now. :P

Great job, this was perfectly hilarious! Thanks for swapping with me!

xoxo Sarah

Author's Response: Hi Sarah! Haha, thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it that much and that it made you laugh!

The pacing was fast? You think 3.4 seconds was too fast for realistic feelings of love to develop? Nonsense. I swear it happens that way. :p

I'd be glad to teach you how. Here's how to write a story like this: write when you're tired, and let your brain dump whatever nonsense onto the page, and then don't edit it. Voilà! XD

Lyra is a highly educated parrot. I think she would have been in Ravenclaw, if, you know, birds were allowed to be students at Hogwarts.

So glad you enjoyed this - thanks so much for the swap! ♥

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Review #21, by patronus_charm In Which the Rest of the Story Is Revealed

11th November 2014:
Haaai Kristin! ♥

ohmygodohmygodohmygod = me after reading this because wah I just love your mind and want to live it in forever as it's just so fabulous.

Anyhow, I should probably write something more constructive than that so here I go! :P

Wah, wah, wah, Eloise Midgen as a socialite. That has got to be one of the funniest things I've ever read and I love how she's so rich and important here because I bet if that was actually true she would have had a lot more friends at Hogwarts. I loved how you described her entire backstory though as it was so funny and interesting, especially the bit where she was going to a ball for everyone less than Harry Potter, that tiny bit just cracked me up for no reason. :P

So Ron and Eloise then? I never did see that pairing coming but I thoroughly enjoyed it nonetheless. Poor Ron, still pining away over Hermione that he had to resort to getting a fake girlfriend but at least the true love lightening bolt struck this pair otherwise it would have been a little awkward. But wah they live in Bavaria that's so cool and there's sauerkraut which makes it even cooler and then there was some time travel too which just made the cool levels hit the roof.

Whaaat? Whaat? Whaaat? Genghis Khan? Whaaat? Is all I can to that, but whoo I loved it because who doesn't love Mongolian conquerors popping in FF with a yurt business, right? :P I loved him as a character though as he just cracked me up so much and whoo for him saving Ron. It does sound like quite a cool service he is offering and I almost wish it was real as that could be really useful.

A fab story and whoo for Eloise and Ron getting a happy ending as everyone needs some love! ♥


Author's Response: Hahahaha omg, living in my mind. It's a weird place I tell you - full of useless facts and cat videos, and sometimes stories that don't make sense. :P

Haha, so glad you enjoyed Eloise as a socialite! I feel like after her rather difficult teenage years with people teasing her, it was only fair that she turned out to be fabulous. XD

Ron and Eloise yep - this is the true background story of the great pirate ship Eloiseley that was the Dramione's rival in the first chapter haha. Indeed, all the true love in this story is instant. I mean, because it's realistic and that's the way real life works, right? :P Time travel and sauerkraut - who needs anything more?

Hahaha, I'm glad you appreciated the odd addition of Genghis Khan - he was the unnamed yurt builder I kept alluding to in the previous chapter, and so many people asked for the full story that I felt it needed to be told. I think he would have been much more fondly remembered in history for rescuing people with flying yurts rather than taking over Mongolia, but alas.

Thanks for your awesome review, Kiana ♥

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Review #22, by Roisin In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

28th September 2014:

Ok, this story had me at the brilliant MS paint banner. BEST. STORY. EVER. I literally (literally) laughed out loud SO MANY TIMES! Like, began annoying my roommate with how much I was laughing amounts of laughing. THIS STORY IS GENIUS!

I tried to keep a running list of all my favorite parts, but it just got too long to be useful at all (when the list is one sentence out of every paragraph, it's not really a list anymore). Suffice it to say, I LOVED ALL OF THE THINGS.

I like, can't even, I don't know where to start. There were so many amazing references (Lyra, Dirty Dancing, Genghis Kahn), and then so many funny turns of phrase ('to burn some more toast,' 'WAR OF SHIPS'), all those meta little popout moments ('PLOT DEVICE')--but it was still brilliantly coherent and clever AND JUST SO AMAZING!


Author's Response: Haha, I am quite proud of that banner. I feel it exhibits all of my profound artistic skill. :p

This review makes me so happy! I really have no idea what I was thinking half the time I wrote this, and as it was late at night on a long bus ride I sort of wondered if it was actually funny at all or just insane. I guess those aren't mutually exclusive. But ahh thank you, I'm so glad you loved it in all its goofiness and meta-ness and time traveling historical figures. Your review made me smile so much!


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Review #23, by The_Crookshanks_Saga In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

26th July 2014:
Oh my holy mushrooms. What just happened.

I thought no one out there could shock me with sheer craziness. I was wrong. Congratulations for making me snort tea out of my nostrils.

Until next time,

Author's Response: Yes indeed, this fic is sheer craziness. Mmm, tea. I'm sorry about the tea snorting though, that doesn't sound very pleasant. :p

Thanks for your review!

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Review #24, by DoctorUnderwood In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

11th June 2014:
Writing this as I go...

Just the fact that Draco watches DWTS makes me laugh. And the fact that he thought a parrot would make a good servant. And he has the audacity to be mad about claw marks. God, he really is the worst. Poor Lyra.

I really want to read about the flying yurt. Is Genghis Khan in it? Probably not, as rockets weren't around until last century.

I personally think that pirate Hermione would be awesome... Gives me an idea for a Star Wars crossover where she teams up with Boba Fett to pillage and plunder the galaxy.

Hmmm... So it turns out that the yurt guy was Genghis Khan. Makes sense.

Now if you excuse me, I need to go start my Hermione/Boba fanfiction. I see you shivering with... anticipation.

Great story with lots of laughter! 10/10

Author's Response: Haha... this review was probably funnier than my story, I love it.

Draco has sunk pretty low by this point - low enough that he's binge-watching DWTS with a bird. It's okay, Lyra knows she's the boss.

Woah, how did you guess Genghis Khan was the yurt guy? haha. Honestly at that point in writing the story, even I didn't know that! I added him in at the end on a whim when I didn't know what else to do with him. :p

Um... yes. If you write a fic about Hermione and Boba Fett looting the galaxy I will totally read it. It sounds like the type of story that would, if it may, take me on a strange journey. :P

Thanks so much for your review!!

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Review #25, by toomanycurls In Which Draco Malfoy Becomes A Pirate

22nd May 2014:
I laughed so hard. So very hard.

At first my thought was "...a Dramione..." but then I saw it's a parody which made life better. I love the idea of Draco the pirate and Hermione with her power heels. One thing you did that made this especially hilarious (and felt like a little homage to the book for the Princess Bride) was have little asides that were completely random to the plot - and you acknowledged that in one of them. I died laughing (so you now have a zombie reivewer).

This might have been my favorite line here: "Draco found he didn't even mind the occasional stabs to his toes anymore, because he was in love, and true love heals all wounds"

I died a little more when you had their ship named Dramione - I mean, it's perfect (so I guess I was only partially dead before).

You might have gone crazy to write this (or because you wrote this) but it was way worth it. Please write me more parody.

I'm plowing through the challenge entires and will have the results up soon - I promise!

Author's Response: Hehehe yes I think that's the only way I could have written a Dramione. Parody is my fave. Oh excellent I have always wanted zombie reviews! You are very articulate for a zombie.:p

Isn't that the way true love works? If I am misinformed about this I'll be sad.

Well, I may have already been crazy. As for more parody.. I've written some others, and there may be a sequel in the works for this one! :O Maybe.

Thanks for the challenge, and for your lovely review! :D

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