23 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Lostmyheart Chapter 1

14th April 2014:
Hi there! Here for the reviewswap.

This was a very interesting and short chapter. I certainly like the plot but it was a little too short (in my opinion). It would have been nice to get a little more to read, since the plot is so interesting. It seriously wouldn't be a surprise to me if Voldemort found another way to escape Death! Evil wizard.

I like that it is in a dream he contacts her, or approaches her. I'm a little curious to why he picked her. To be honest, I think I'll read the other chapters, to see if they answer my question! :)

All in all, very interesting chapter and good, but short, beginning!
- Lostmyheart

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :)
All will be revealed in the following chapters! I'm afraid I can't tell you anything here because others might see the response so...

Anyway, I take in to account the length of chapters - I'm quite new here.

HEG


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Review #2, by Karou_Marauder Chapter 4

11th April 2014:
I can't believe it! Evil Ginny! Whaaat???

I really like this chapter. It emphasises how alone she is, what the consequences of her switching sides are. It also shows how tough she is, which is in-character, and I always think of Ginny as quite hard to write so well done for that!

Who's this Wally guy? He sounds a bit...odd...haha.

I only spotted one tiny thing - "luminous beryl eyes stared into mine ". It's probably because you were writing the dreams in first person but the "mine" should be "hers" or "Ginny's".

Scary thought...Voldemort back...

-Karou

Author's Response: mwhahaha! All will be revealed!

Thank you, I agree to, it is hard to write Ginnny - in the book and the film, her personality wasn't shown much.

A leprechaun.

Ooops, I'll correct that.

HEG


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Review #3, by TidalDragon Chapter 6

30th March 2014:
Alright. I'm jumping back in here just to leave some overall remarks.

It's possible that you can make the plot that you have in mind work. I do think that. It's not my cup of tea what with Voldemort returning (and hopefully NOT having a relationship with Ginny further on). Your biggest problem though is pace. A plot like this has to be developed with incredible detail and patience to play out effectively and you are absolutely sprinting - to the point that not only are plot problems created, but there are serious issues with the portrayal of characters and internal consistency. Ginny throughout, as well as Hermione and Ron. The consistency issue was revealed in this chapter too - since Hermione has (as I suspected in an earlier chapter) gone dark (though the reasons are totally unexplained) it makes little sense that she would "out" Ginny to Ron, Harry, and her family.

In the end, I suppose what I would say is this. BE PATIENT. As the saying goes, Rome wasn't built in a day and think of how long it took JKR to write the HP series. If you want to create a truly compelling novel-length fic, you have to be incredibly careful and develop it slowly or your vision won't play out the way you want.

Author's Response: Hello again.
Everything takes a turn in chapter eight I think it is. Chapter eight has followed your advice and is longer than the rest. I hope you like the rest of the story and see an improvement in my writing. Thank you.
HEG


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Review #4, by TidalDragon Chapter 3

30th March 2014:
So you're proceeding at the moment at a fairly frenetic pace. There are also some odd inconsistencies. For example, you state early in the chapter that Hermione is with Draco "on the other side" (which I took to mean based on the previous chapter Voldemort's side), but when she goes to Hermione and oddly just confesses to helping Voldemort, she gets lambasted. I can see where possibly your purpose with this approach is to cut Ginny off and make assisting Voldemort and returning to him seem more believable, but as written in the previous chapter, that ship has sailed and if that is your goal, I think it needs to be built up MUCH more slowly and delicately.

Author's Response: I'll try and slow it down. Thank you for pointing this out.
HEG


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Review #5, by TidalDragon Chapter 2

30th March 2014:
Hello again!

So again, I think we're coming in too short here. You have laid out (or appeared to) some incredibly heavy revelations. Ginny's helping Voldemort now? Draco/Hermione? There is just too little explanation. I get that you're trying to add an air of intrigue to the scene, and I think it works with the box, but not on the whole.

I also question why Hermione would give Ginny a note alluding to a clandestine rendezvous with Draco, given that you have implied (though we don't have a clear timeline of what year this is) that Hermione is publicly with Ron. That seems OOC, as does the Ginny helping Voldemort bit.

Author's Response: All is not as seems... I can't really answer that :)
Thanks,
HEG


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Review #6, by TidalDragon Chapter 1

30th March 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request.

So first things first, I'm not much on word count generally speaking. For me though, this chapter was just too short. There can be immense power in brevity if done right and I think that's what you were going for here (though maybe I'm wrong). In order to do that though I think what needed to be maximized was the dream - give us incredible detail to paint the picture and pair that with strong, evocative language that really helps us feel Ginny's fear and panic.

When you pulled out of the very brief dream, you took us to the right place to start, which was Ginny's emotions, but the dialogue that followed got off the rails for me after "Ginny, what?". First, without setting up that this dream is recurring, I find it difficult to believe Ginny would just suddenly believe this lone, short dream means Voldemort has returned. Second, Harry's reaction is not really what I would expect. While you use dialogue tags to show the proper tone, I think the words don't match up. Ginny burns an important lesson into Harry in OotP about remembering her past, a lesson he remembers in HBP, and one he is not likely to ever forget. For me, the dialogue came off as too cavalier or nonchalant, not showing an appropriate level of concern.

Ultimately I think you have the skeleton of what you want to do with this chapter mostly right, it's a matter of constructing the flesh in the ideal way.

Author's Response: Hiya! Thank you!
Sorry for the chapter being veeeryyy short, that's just what I do. Often, throughout my books, the chapters get longer and longer and usually are around 7000 words but I vary. The starting one's are always around the 500 mark so sorry about that. Also, when I've finished a novel, I always go back and edit it in full so that will definitely be corrected some time. I'll add in more description.

I often use a lot of dialogue. Description is not my forte. Unless in first or second person. Cavalier? Sorry. I'll try and conduct the flesh.


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Review #7, by Lululuna Chapter 4

29th March 2014:
Hi again! :)

I really liked the beginning of the chapter with Ginny's hopelessness, and how lonely she is. Thinking about her without her big family and her loving husband is so sad, and I wonder whether they're thinking about her and perhaps wondering if Voldy has some control over her mind.

I liked seeing her decide to keep going, even if she doesn't have a specific goal or purpose at the moment. She was always such a strong and determined character, and even in her darkest moments I like how that's been brought to life.

Wally seems like a fun time! And I wonder what will happen now that Ginny has told him her secret, hmm. I liked the descriptions of him emerging from the forest, I could really picture it.

Another interesting chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much. I am glad you enjoyed it.
HEG


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Review #8, by Lululuna Chapter 3

29th March 2014:
Hello! :)

Uh oh, Ginny really made things worse for herself, didn't she? I'm not sure why she felt compelled to confess to Hermione... though it does seem like Hermione is keeping her own secrets. If she's with Draco, does that mean she's supporting Voldy's cause as well, but playing dumb so that she can keep her cover and stay with Ron?

Poor Ginny, though - I found it quite interesting when she got upset about why exactly she was helping Voldemort. I wonder what's going to happen next, and if she'll continue to stick by Voldy. I'm also looking forward to finding out what role her children might have in all of this, especially since the title has James' name in it.

The part at the beginning, with Albus getting angry about being called a baby, was very cute. :) Though I do feel like Harry could be a little more polite to his wife, but I guess she has been slipping away for a while and he's getting frustrated.

I really like the description in this, and something to maybe think about is maybe adding even more to balance out the dialogue. I think a few more descriptions of the characters' appearances, movements and the setting would help bring the story to life even more!

An interesting chapter - I'll R&R the next one as well. :)

Author's Response: Hello!

I'm glad you enjoyed it :D. Everyone seems to be keeping secrets in tis don't they? There is a secret revealed in chapter seven and I can't wait to hear what you think of it. I agree with you. Harry was a little impolite but I wanted to show how annoying Ginny has been. Thanks for reviewing,
HEG


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Review #9, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter 4

29th March 2014:
Tag!

Ginny's feeling of loneliness is abundant in the beginning of the chapter. I almost want to feel bad for her, because she's Ginny, though I suppose that she did do this to herself. Obviously, people are allowed to make mistakes, I'm certain this mistake may have caused her a great deal of alliances and friendships.

Oh leprechaun -- sneaky little rabble-rousers they are! That leprechaun isn't going to keep her secret O.o I know that much, if I know anything about leprechauns!

Nice job at ending the chapter on a mild cliffy!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hehe, I can't tell you what'll happen next! Thanks for reviewing. HEG.

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Review #10, by Arianna Chapter 6

29th March 2014:
Draco and Hermione are together! Update soon and
make your chapter longer :)

Author's Response: HI Arianna! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. Chapter 7 is coming soon and I hope you like it :)

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Review #11, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter 3

28th March 2014:
One more!

Ginny's half-hearted excuse for her mood isn't fooling Harry, is it? There's drama afoot! I can't help but feel bad for Harry at this point, because he's been through so much and I'm sure he's been there for Ginny time and again. Yet, she's betraying him. :( Feels.

Her friends, of course, resigned their alignment with her, just as she traded her own alignment. It's understandable that they would, as she's betraying ALL of them by attempting to help Voldemort. Now, that's all she's left with.

I fear her fate!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: HI again!

I know Ginny isn't the best at excuses is she? And she doesn't particularly have an excuse for Helping Voldemort does she?
HEG


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Review #12, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter 2

28th March 2014:
And back!

So, Ginny's working for Voldemort? That's a twist, I certainly did not see that coming! It's almost as if Ginny is standing in as the new Peter Pettigrew (the traitor, assisting him in regaining his strength and power). That's a really cool concept, and I really like the idea. I think what appeals to me most about the idea is the fate that Pettigrew ultimately faced in DH, and it makes me fear for Ginny. If she switched to Voldemort's side, then I believe, much like Peter, that at some point she'll be unable to commit the acts asked of her, which will result in her ultimate demise.

(^Oh look, I'm making predictions :D )!

I really want to know what she gave him! Is it something to help restore his power? Or maybe it's something to help him defeat Harry. Also, you left other questions such as what is Hermione doing with Draco, and Ginny's second-guessing herself, what will be her true alignment?

So. Many. Cliffhangers! :D

Great job!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hiya, thanks for reviewing :).
That's a nice prediction there but I can't tell you what'll actually happen sorry. I'm glad you like the cliff hangers :D!
HEG


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Review #13, by Rumpelstiltskin Chapter 1

28th March 2014:
Hey there! Since you have some short chapters here, it means that I'll have to leave shorter reviews. As such, I'll leave a couple reviews to make up for the shortness :D.

So, one of the elements I really enjoyed in this was the POV change. I think that was a really cool technique to include to separate dreams from reality (actually, it was quite brilliant, but I won't gush over it for too long).

So, Voldemort may not be dead. Or, he could be dead, and somebody may be messing with Ginny. Either way, it's an interesting concept. Naturally, Ginny is frightened by the idea, and Harry tries to comfort her. I also liked the concept that Harry's first instinct was that Voldemort was simply tricking Ginny. However, as she stated, "How can he trick me if he's dead?"

This is definitely interesting, and I'm off to the next chapter!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hiya Rumpel!(nice pename by the way)

Haha, yes my chapters are short aren't they? They do get longer throughout the story (around 1000-4000 words). And thank you for leaving these lovely reviews :D.

I am glad you liked the POV dream at the start. I personally would have liked it longer so I'll probably edit it when I next submit a chapter. Thank you for saying it was brilliant!

Thanks again,

HEG



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Review #14, by randomwriter Chapter 1

27th March 2014:
Hello HEG. I'm here for our review swap! :)
First of all, your title really got me curious and made me want to read this so badly. I think it's a really cool title.

I love the premise of your story. The idea behind it, the thought of Voldemort not having died at the Battle of Hogwarts, is quite intriguing and I'd love to know where you're headed with this.

An another explanation that is building up in my mind is about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm curious to know if what Ginny dreamt about is purely a manifestation of her fears and past experiences. I'm curious to see where this goes.

So, as far as the plot is concerned, you certainly have me hooked. But all through the chapter, I had multiple questions and doubts in my mind, many of which will probably be addressed in the coming chapters, so I will not elaborate.

As for the flow, I think it was clear and coherent. There were no odd or chunky parts. However, this was rather short and set in a single scene, so you did a pretty good job anyway :) What I think you could do to enhance the flow is add description. Or give us a little more. You don't have to reveal too much in terms of the plot, but you could give us minor details, like their facial expressions or features. Or maybe something about their surroundings, where they live, have they had kids yet, etc etc. There is a lot of scope to develop your characters, situations, etc as you are developing the plot. Things like descriptions based on imagery will add a sensory aspect to your story, and I think it will be a great addition to a story like this, where there is a lot of scope to explore the sensory.

I do have a couple of points in mind for CC though. The first is characterisation. It is extremely difficult to write about the main characters and get them right, and I applaud you for choosing to give it a shot. It's a very brave move. However, I do find that there were places where it became difficult to process that they were the same characters from the books. For one, I know this is a rather small thing to point out, but I can never think of Voldemort saying 'Sh.' It's too mellow, too pleading or too affection. He would probably have given her a command to silenced her with a charm. Another instance where there was a disparity was when Harry said that he'd killed him himself. Harry, being the humble man he is, would never say something like that blatantly. He would probably hint at how he dueled him, and how, in front of everybody, his own spell backfired and killed him. Harry shies away from credit and fame. Also, I can't imagine Ginny giving in so easily after Harry asks her to tell him. Ginny is strong and has shown on occasion that she does have an active obstinate side. I would presume that she'd make up something or brush the matter aside. Anothing thing that struck me was that she called him 'The Dark Lord', a name I doubt she'd use. (But this is just me being TOO nit-picky. Feel free to ignore. :p) Apart from instances here and there like this, it was okay. But I think you may need to edit it a little bit to make sure that the characterisation falls in place.

My next point of CC lies with some grammatical issues, and some typos. These can be easily fixed if you just proof read this sometime :) Easy-peasy. For example:
insides roiled with horror - rolled, coiled? There's a typo here.
she couldn’t bare it. - This should be bear, not bare.
There were a couple more, here and there. A read through should fix it.

Finally, in the end when they talk about Harry;s connection with Voldemort, that happens because the two are connected, in the sense that Harry was an unintentional Horcrux. A part of Voldemort's soul was in Harry. It is true that when Voldemort learned of this, he used this connection to manipulate Harry. But, by the very nature of this connection, he cannot have the same thing with Ginny. I'm curious to know how she's having these dreams. What is her connection with him? Is it something to do with the Chamber of Secrets? Or the diary? I need to know!

I like how this story seems to have taken shape, and I'll follow up this chapter to see what happens :)
And I'm sorry if this seemed harsh :( I'm only trying to help in some way. If any of this seems like it doesn't make sense, leave it. I did enjoy this a lot :)

Author's Response: Hiya :)
Thank you for such a long and detailed review! You have given me some excellent advice for my future chapters. I am particularly concerned on the characterisation of Voldemort. I know it seems quite a bit out of Canon but I wanted it to be kind of quiet if you know what I mean?

Also, because the dream has sort of influenced Ginny quite a lot, I thought that her saying the Dark Lord rather than Voldemort would be appropriate even though you disagree.

Thank you very much,

HEG


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Review #15, by Veritaserum27 Chapter 1

27th March 2014:
Hi HEG!

I'm here for the review swap. This chapter was intense! I can't believe how much information you packed into just over 500 words. Your writing truly convinced me that Voldemort is indeed back (and Ginny told Harry!) It was scary and nerve shattering!

I have one small comment: I think the phrase is supposed to be "she couldn't bear it," not "she couldn't bare it" (I've seen it commonly misplaced). "Bear" means "to carry or endure" while "bare" means to *lose one's clothes*.

I liked the fact that you decided to have Voldemort target Ginny this time, it makes it so much creepier - he couldn't beat Harry so he is going after his true love. Ooh! So much can come of this!

Beth (Veritaserum27)

Author's Response: Hi Beth/Veritaserum27!
The starting chapters of my novels or novellas are often very short with lots of information packed in but they gradually get longer. I'm glad you liked it :).

I will edit the grammar mistake as soon as I can.

I am so glad you liked it,

HEG


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Review #16, by Lululuna Chapter 2

27th March 2014:
Hi again! :)

Hmm, so Ginny is definitely helping Voldy now? Uh oh. It's quite interesting how she's voluntarily helping him by the looks of it, but has some regret about it. I wonder why she's helping him while wondering if he's to be trusted - of course the reader gets to see inside his head a little bit and see that he wants his power back, but Ginny seems to still be conflicted about whether he can be trusted. This leads me to think that she might be helping him because she thinks he's reformed, or perhaps he has some sort of mind control over her.

Hmm, Hermione is sneaking around with Draco?! I'm glad Ginny is worried about her brother, even if she is helping Hermione by the looks of it despite not liking her very much. I wonder if Ginny is in some sort of out-of-her-mind state right now where she doesn't have control of her actions of even her true feelings.

A couple minor typos: to rein once more... rein should be spelt "reign". I noticed in a later paragraph it was spelt in the same way as well.

He glowing red should be "her".

Another very interesting chapter! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing. I am pleased you liked the bit where Ginny is in doubt - I tried hard on that :). Also, I wanted to add in a bit of Hermione :)
HEG


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Review #17, by Lululuna Chapter 1

27th March 2014:
Hello! :)

This seems like a really intriguing start! I love how you've concentrated on Ginny's connection with Voldemort and how she must have suffered after being possessed by him in CoS: that aspect of her character often feels forgotten in fanfiction. The rapport she seemed to have with Voldy was so interesting as well - how he told her to run and let her go, and how she identified with his shame and agony from the battle. That was such a sympathetic portrayal and makes me wonder what hold he might have on her mind.

One minor thing: I noticed in the first section that there was both an "I" and a "her" mentioned, I'm not sure if they were meant to both refer to Ginny but if so you might want to change the "her" into first person to ward off confusion. :)

It also feels like Ginny's dream and real selves are mixing a little bit, which doesn't bode very well. But her and Harry seem really sweet together! I like how he tried to comfort her but how although he wants her to feel safe, he also doesn't dismiss her dream as completely ridiculous.

This was a very interesting first chapter - I'll read on and review the next one as well as this was quite short. :)

Author's Response: HI!
I am glad you liked the connection between her and Voldemort, I really wanted it to seem realistic. I didn't want it to be just a simple dream so I am very pleased on the effect it had on you. Also, the 'I' and the 'her' was just sort of showing that the bit in italics was a dream from Ginnys point of view and then she wakes up and there is a line and it switches to third person. I am glad you like the connection between her and Harry. Thank you for reviewing :)
HEG


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Review #18, by mex Chapter 5

25th March 2014:
Sorry but even fiction is not that dumb, and this story is that

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Review #19, by marauderfan Chapter 2

23rd March 2014:
The chapters are short so I figured I'd do another one :)

This chapter raises even more questions! Ooh, what has caused Ginny to switch sides? What did she give ole Voldy? How long has that been going on? And something is going on with Hermione and Draco too. Aah! So suspenseful! Sorry this is actually a slightly useless review and more just a list of my questions, but after those two chapters I'm really curious how all this came about. Great chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review :) I'm really glad you liked it and aswell, Those questions are a mystery. NO SPOILERS!
HEG


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Review #20, by marauderfan Chapter 1

23rd March 2014:
For our review swap!

wow, what an action packed start! Is Voldemort really back, or was that just a very vivid dream? I wonder why he is only appearing to Ginny, and not Harry. It's certainly a very intriguing beginning. I particularly liked the part just as Ginny woke up, it was more descriptive and that added to how real it felt. This is quite an exciting start, well done!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the description - I tried hard to do it in that opening bit :) hope you enjoy the rest,
HEG :D


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Review #21, by Sado Chapter 4

18th March 2014:
I HATE Cliffhangers!! Did you haqve to leave it on that point??? Update soon and make your chapters longer!!!

Author's Response: Hehe! The next chapter's coming soon. It's in the validation queue. Thanks
HEG


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Review #22, by adluvshp Chapter 1

14th March 2014:
Blackout Battle 8/20

Hello. This certainly seems like an interesting and dark plot. I liked how this keeps Ginny as the "centre of things". The dream was well-written and almost had me paranoid. I also liked the dialogue between Harry and Ginny, of how the dream was almost real. Harry finally contemplating that Voldemort could be back was was also nicely put.

The only CC I'd give you is to include a little more description and emotion to get more feeling into the story, especially in between dialogues. Describe their actions and the thoughts and that would help the readers visualise the settings more. There were also a few grammar errors but nothing that can't be fixed with a re-read or the help of a beta =)

Apart from that, I have to say that this is a good start to the story and I like your plot. It can certainly head in a very intriguing direction so do keep writing.

Cheers,
AD
(AditiDraco95)

Author's Response: HI AnditiDraco95

Thank you for this review. I'm glad you like the dream and think it was good the bit where she thought it was real. I did that because I knew that Voldemort could get inside people's heads and convince them things that they would never normally think (like in the Order of the Phoenix) but it's different then because Harry and the Order and Dumbledore sort of work out its true. It's a bit of a mystery here.

Also I'm happy you like the dialogue. Often, it starts of good and then you can't think of much realistic speech. I spent quite a bit of time working on that chapter.

Ooh, some constructive criticism, that will really help and if I don't get round to editing this particular chapter I will certainly put more description in the characters thoughts and feelings. Actually, I'm in the middle of writing a chapter (on paper) and it has a LOT of thoughts and feelings. If I say anymore I'm worried a give something away so I'd better shut up now.

HEG :)


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Review #23, by Sado Chapter 1

13th March 2014:
Very good beginning can't wait for the next chapters!!!

Author's Response: Thank you Sado, the next chapter is in the validation queue ;) hope you enjoy it!!!

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