Reading Reviews for Calculus
  
40 Reviews Found

Review #1, by StarFeather Focus

27th August 2015:
Hallo, Kevin.
Iíve been itching to be back here but I had a task to finish my third long story till the deadline and Iíve done it and came back after an evening meeting with my colleagues in RL.

Itís comfy to read the conversation between Neville and Hermione. Itís new for me to read Neville are questioning Hermione. The impression that he was cast ďPetrificus TotalusĒ is still strong for me.

Harry Potter is very busy here, too. He had to visit Leakey Cauldron and Billís cottage by the shore. I guess you enjoyed letting him have a trip from London to France. It was fun to read the scene where Hannah was bantered by Harry at the pub. The situation around Ron and Pansy was amusing, too.

The most impressive scene is here, ďShedding his cloak, he sank slowly to his knees.Ē This sentence reminded me of the movie scene when Dobby was buried by him and the same scene in the book 7. Itís very moving.

You might scatter the hints about the background on Hughes and Shafiqs in this chapter. Iíd like to know more. Iíll be back soon.

Kenny

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Review #2, by StarFeather Frenzy

15th August 2015:
Hi, Kevin. Finally I came back here.
The most impressive character in this chapter was Gabrielle Delacour. I remembered that she was rescued by Harry in the second task of the Triwizard Tournament, and I thought she had still special feeling towards him. And I wondered why Harry avoided looking at her. Does he have also some feelings towards her or is he afraid of being enchanted by her, a part of Veela in her blood? It's very intriguing. But from your story, she rather grew up to be a smarter reporter, who asked such a bold question and made an observant comment. I really enjoyed the press conference scene you set, including Xenophilius Lovegoodís intern from Quibbler.

I could easily imagine Harry, Ron and Neville had to endure much survey and cut their sleep time, too. I expect youíll reveal more information about the case. Iíll be back to the next chapter soon.

Kenny

Author's Response: Hello again Kenny!

I've always enjoyed the idea of exploring a grown-up Gabrielle and so I took a little crack at it here. I've always imagined she'd grow up a little sassier and less proper than Fleur with a sort of incorrigible attitude toward authority. So though your two guesses about why he avoids looking at her are certainly well-founded, in this case, he actually just avoids it because he knows her personality (from her visits after Bill and Fleur's wedding) and, not knowing her motives for being there, doesn't want to encourage her to ask questions. But of course, being incorrigible, she obviously does :p

Thanks for the review!


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Review #3, by StarFeather Intelligence

7th August 2015:
Hi, Kevin. Iíve been itchy read this chapter and wanted to read in real earnest.

So this chapter, here we go.

You set a new character, Wendy Ellerbee very well. You showed us a good example how we should write a new character in the story. You wrote the background of her very well, so that I could set her in the story naturally.
You described her wand was alder, I wondered how you choose the name of the wand for an original character. Because I searched in the Internet to decide a new wand for my story, I referred to the page written about Druidic folklore.

The small cliffhanging scene is brilliant, too. It was like the time when Arthur Weasley was attacked by the great snake. I was relived with the sight of Hermione. And Iím glad our Hermione came back again, she helps Harry and Ron, which reminded me of the adventure of book 1.

Wow, Neville is engaging in research. His father and mother would be proud of him and his grandmother would be as well. Through his eyes, we can draw the life of the victim of the murder. Many kudos on this.

I always feel happy with the conversation between Harry and Ron. And you let Malfoy, their old rival enter, which made this story more interesting. Though he has a life debt to Harry, he doesnít lose his arrogance and baffles things. I enjoyed this.

Kenny

Author's Response: Thanks a million for stopping by this again, Kenny!

I'm glad you liked Wendy. Though she won't feature again, one reason I created her and centered on her here was not just the setting, but so that she could be emblematic of the students who were sufficiently younger than Harry & Co. to not be as obviously scarred by the war, but still live in a world being shaped by its lessons.

As far as wand woods go, I definitely try to look into them and have the make sense for the character, and I usually just Google "Harry Potter wand woods" if I remember correctly, which generates an ENORMOUS list on one of the first few links.

I'm glad you saw the connection between the Arthur scene and this one - something I was hoping people might pick up on! And it's encouraging to know you're enjoying the characterizations too. Since we're pretty fresh off the war still, I wanted to keep everyone still fairly tight to canon, but with some expansion based on their reflections and post-war experiences/ambitions, which hopefully came across.

Thanks again for this thoughtful and kind review!


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Review #4, by StarFeather Paper

25th July 2015:
Hi, Kevin. I thought I left review here but, can I write my thoughts again? It took more time to be back to your story than I thought. I've never thought there were so many events in the forums.

Well, the introduction is perfect. I can't write about Hermione in detail like you. The description is well written how she's engaged in her work and her office is like(yeah, I asked you about that before, you know).

I liked the conversation between her and Harry, too. The mood is very confidential(does my English make sense?), it's very convincing thinking over their friendship history.

The setting of meeting with Neville is perfect, too. Readers remembers how the situation around him was like, imagine how their facial expressions are like reading their conversation, too.

Then we read a crime scene report with Harry. It's very exciting, even if he thought it usual information.

The scene where Harry let the coroner copy the Political realities part, is very cool. I wondered if this scene was based on your experience.

I love the description of the movement of Ron and Harry after he came back to the Ministry. I really like their friendship since I read the book 1.

The conversation between Harry and Robards is also natural, too. If J.K.Rowling writes the scene, she could write like this. I love it.

I also like Ginny and Harry getting together and she cares him so much wishing he will act safely.

The plot is overall brilliant, you set the articles of Evening Prophet and the description of lonely Ron at the end, I also like his thouths for Hermione, too.

I'll find time to continue reading this, too. I'll promise, Kevin!

Kenny

Author's Response: I know! I've been horribly delayed in just about everything by life and the House Cup! It's crazy! But I'm glad you're back!

I'm glad you enjoyed the characterizations and particularities of the scenes. I will definitely admit that some of the "vibes" and attitudes, particularly in relation to the investigative aspects come from some measure of personal experience - though obviously I've never been in law enforcement directly as an actual officer.

Thanks so much for your kind words!


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Review #5, by Beeezie Awakenings

11th July 2015:
Hey! Taking the opportunity to come back and give this story some attention, since I really enjoyed it when we had our swap a couple months ago. I found this really intriguing - you mentioned focusing on investigative techniques Aurors could use, and I think you did a great job with them. It all seemed quite reasonable, and I love the way you incorporated your own unique spin on the process with canon information to create a scene that felt incredibly real and engaging. (Even the dull parts like inventory, because of course there are dull parts - it's not just constant dueling and fighting. That would be ridiculous. I'm so curious to see where you go with this and how in depth you get in the procedural stuff of being an auror. A little CC, though: I do feel like while your description in general are great, they can get awkward when surrounded by dialogue. I think that you sometimes include a little too much in the way of dialogue tags and adverbs - for example, in the second paragraph, the "he added grimly" didn't seem totally necessary to me, nor did Neville furrowing his brow "disapprovingly." If the dialogue speaks to how the speaker is delivering the line on its own, I think that it often becomes awkward and even a little patronizing to add it. That said, I really enjoyed this chapter, and I'll definitely be back for this fic. :)

Ravenclaw House Cup 2015

Author's Response: Howdy! I'm so glad you came back!

One of the things I definitely wanted to capture in this fic was the technical and procedural investigative side of a murder mystery (somewhat on the order of procedural).

I definitely hear you about the tags and adverbs. While I'm personally pretty pro-adverb, dialogue tags are something I'm definitely trying (and not necessarily succeeding) on improving.

Thanks for the positive thoughts and CC! I really appreciate it!


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Review #6, by Beeezie 11:57

2nd June 2015:
Hey! No worries about leaving it to the 31st - I got caught up in things and waited even longer!

I really enjoyed this chapter. Your prose brought the scene to life for me - I could practically see the park and the dark hotel room, and hear the rain pouring down. (Well, it helps that it was pouring until recently outside my house, but even if it hadn't been, I'd have felt like I could hear it.)

There were a lot of little deft touches that helped make the story, too - I liked the way Tobias Hughes was reflecting on the case and the current political situation, both because it helped to set the stage of the story for me and because it seemed incredibly realistic. I also loved his caution with using magic in a Muggle area, even though it was quiet and nearing midnight - that helped me get a sense of what kind of person he is, and it made sense in the context you've given - it's not surprising that an elderly wizard on the Wizangamot would be strictly by-the-book, and it makes me wonder what way he was going to side.

Because he's clearly not going to side with anyone now. That scene was horrible (but very well done!) - again, I could practically see it in my mind, and I could absolutely feel how frantic he was to get through this. It was so sad and brutal.

And let me talk about the case for a second, because that's super intriguing to me. It sounds like a boring, finicky legal case on the surface, but (as with many such cases) it's something with enormous repercussions. And, not to deviate too heavily from the content of the chapter itself, but as someone who's interested in employment law and legal matters in general, the case itself was really thought-provoking to me.

On one hand, yes - prejudice is wrong, and the system you describe sounds like it's discriminating rather than making a sound business argument in the first place. However, I have to wonder what ramifications a broad judgment would have on other, similar policies that are less clear cut - an example from our world might be charging higher car insurance rates for young men, who (IIRC) are more likely to get into accidents.

Hmm. It's a really interesting backdrop, and I'm totally adding this to my reading list so I can come back during the HC! :) Amazing, amazing job!

Author's Response: Thanks for this wonderful review! It seems just about everyone's lives got crazy during May, so no worries for you either.

I'm glad you enjoyed the setting and characterization for the chapter. I wrestled for quite some time with how to make this chapter work because given the challenge, I didn't want to drag the story on too long (at least initially). Obviously that meant using Hughes's introspective nature to flesh out the political motive rather than doing loads of heavy lifting in terms of chapters to make it crystal clear.

With that said, one of the weaknesses of that approach was the gray area you mentioned in your second-to-last paragraph. The vision for me with this legislation is to create a wizarding version of the Civil Rights Act (from the United States - I don't know any British or European equivalent). How the change would work in practice is someone would have to demonstrate they were discriminated against to even get any shot at relief, but then the business would have a chance to prove that its decision was either: (1) not based on blood purity or (2) fits exceptions that the Wizengamot deems appropriate to create in its final ruling.

Anyway, I've gotten off on a meandering legal track now, but I'm really glad you enjoyed the beginning. Hopefully if you do get a chance to read it through to the end you'll enjoy the remainder as well.

Thanks again!


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Review #7, by StarFeather Awakenings

28th April 2015:
Hallo, Kevin

Trace, evidence, key to the hole
See our Harry, Ron and Neville
Treasure was finally found

I made haiku review as thank you gift from Accio Attackers.

I've been searching Auror story, you know. Then I found yours, now I'm so excited. I should've stopped by here earlier. Your magical tracing techniques is interesting. I tried writing the similar attempt in my second novel, too. I'm looking forward to reading next.

Kenny

Author's Response: Thanks a million for this review Kenny! I have needed some cheering up this week and this review helped in a big way!

I'm glad you like the story so far and I hope you continue to if you keep reading. It's one of my earliest works on here and my first COMPLETED non-one-shot so I'm interested to see what you think!

Thanks again!


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Review #8, by Pixileanin Awakenings

13th December 2014:
Hi! Tagging you from the Common Room.

You know, I enjoyed the introduction of the canon characters in this chapter. It was just enough to give each of them a distinct feel, but you didn't go on too long to belabor the point. And I already feel sorry for Neville, who seems to have had a thing for Luna. It made everyone seem alive and whole, and I appreciated that.

For me, all the procedural stuff was very believable. I don't think any of it would be considered out of the scope of what investigative Aurors would do. It's a nice twist to the normal Auror activity I see in fanfic, with all the shooting and chasing and apprehending the bad guys. You covered everything well enough that I understood exactly what was going on.

This chapter was definitely slower in pace than the first one, which is to be expected after the initial shock. I liked how the team was guessing what Harry's next move would be, which added a nice touch of levity to the situation.

Any crit for you? Let me see... Your writing is squeaky clean, and the flow is nice. I guess the only thing I can comment on is the punch at the end, when Robards reminds them how seriously this affects the hearing. I know you mentioned Hughes' name during the character introductions early on, and they got the significance, but when they were all concentrating so hard on the procedure of the investigation, who this man was and how important his role would be felt downplayed . I think if you bring in a mention or two of how his death impacts what is to come into that scene, Robards' line, "Welcome to our little piece of hell, Gentlemen." would pop all the more effectively.

That's incredibly picky of me, but I've been working on scene twists in my own story, so it's something I spend a lot of time thinking about these days. To answer your concern at the end of the chapter, I had no issues whatsoever with your delivery of canon characters.

I'm intrigued as to where this story leads! Must carve out more time to read this!

Author's Response: Howdy!

I'm glad you found the canon characters both accurate and differentiable. I think that's always one of the big characterization challenges so it's good to know you thought I did a good job with it here.

I'm also encouraged that you thought the procedural side fit. You'll see a lot more of that if you keep reading as one of my goals was make this story something of a Potterverse-meets-crime-procedural. I also definitely wanted to focus on the investigative aspect of things because I imagine that given the timeline of where we are, most of the consistent apprehension of dark wizards would have been accomplished and that the need for Aurors to focus so much of their efforts exclusively on catching them would have significantly diminished. I'm glad you thought their roles as investigators were also believable.

I definitely hear you about Hughes. I was, in some senses, worried that this chapter would miss following up the "punch" of the first chapter and you may have a good point about that as the drop-off from Chapter 2 to 3 is the biggest (outside the obvious Chapter 1 to 2 that typifies every fic). My goal was to leave room for that to be explored later on throughout the fic in order to keep the Wizengamot and the nature of Hughes' influence a bit more mysterious as well as avoid telegraphing any clear-cut potential motives too soon. But the stats seem to be in your favor re: impact. Something to think about if I come back and edit.

Thanks for tagging me and I'm glad you enjoyed the story!


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Review #9, by Roisin Proof

19th August 2014:
AH! WHAT?! AH!

Ok, so I definitely commend you on that, as I never saw it coming! Definitely a well plotted mystery!

But I just HAVE to whine--because I love Hermione andshewouldneverdothat!!! Definitely WAY OOC for her. She was always empathetic, and despite being often a bossy know-it-all, a really sensitive soul. Actually, I often take issue with Hermione's characterization around here, because I think it's usually too influenced by the films' (SHODDY) interpretation.

That said, this IS a story, and it's your story, and you managed to do something CRAZY and BOLD and also NOT BREAK CANON. So props where props are due. Really, the whole thing makes sense, and Hermione WAS the only other suspect--so in a way, it was clever to have the mastermind be the one person I would never have expected based on canon bias. And looking back, there were absolutely clues and forshadowing.

Really, quite well done, even if I-JUST-CANT-DEAL.

Wow, I can't believe this story is over! I enjoyed reading it so much! I do hope you write another procedural mystery, because this was an ADMIRABLE first go.

Over and out!
-Roisin

Author's Response: It's okay. I accept it freely. I knew from the beginning that I was pushing it with Hermione and that some people would find it to be OOC for her. It probably is, ultimately. But I justified it to myself with the idea that war can do crazy things to people (especially ones who've been tortured), that Hermione has always been very rational and been willing to go "over the top" for causes she believes in. And she wasn't the instrument of the killing. That would have made it easier to justify to herself I think.

At any rate, I'm amazed you've read it all already and I'm really glad to hear you liked it! My plan (if I can get life to cooperate a bit better) is to try and read all of your story as well by the end of the month.

As far as another procedural mystery...well, perhaps for a challenge. I don't know. I have two MAJOR projects already conceived and I still have to finish Evolution (my WIP James/Lily novel). One of those will be mysterious - a hopefully interesting take on a couple of specialized Unspeakables. I'm working on that now, but it's hard because it's ALL OCs, and I only just started writing fiction again back in December after five years off. We'll see how that one pans out...it's going to be a hopefully not too derivative saga inspired by the Department of Mysteries, the unknown associated with Unspeakables, the X-Files, and the Post-Hogwarts Era. It will be a little different as fics go I think, because I'm going to try to make it a long-running series of episodic short stories. One day...


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Review #10, by Roisin Trial

19th August 2014:
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WRAP ALL THIS UP IN ONE CHAPTER?

Oh man, the ending of this chapter was so sad and so poignant. "In a way, her journey to prison was more like a journey home." Right in the feels! My mental nickname for this chapter is "The Short and Happy Life of Adelie Shafiq" (a la mode de Hemmingway).

And it's still sort of a procedural in a way! Law and Order style! Investigation and then prosecution. It made me so sad that Adelie's defense was so inept. *Why didn't they ever check for Imperio???*

OK, I really gotta know what happens, so I'm leaving this review here!

Author's Response: Well...hopefully you'll be satisfied and not enraged with how it ends up. I made a few stretches (well, one that's probably biggest...we'll see how you feel about it) in the end because as I wrote the story it less about...well that would be a spoiler probably, so I won't say.

But yes, I definitely wanted to come back around to a trial. First, I'm an attorney, so I wanted to write a bit of one. But within that I also wanted to show that as far as the reforms have come (like Adalie even HAVING counsel) and as much as they're emphasized in this story, there's still an immense way to go. Obviously in a modern courtroom, there is no way Hermione would have gotten away with the kind of "questioning" she did, despite Adalie's attorney mostly sitting on her hands. In fact, one of her objections at least should have been well taken.

But I'm glad you liked that bit at the end re: Adalie. I loved writing that little portion and it sounds like you definitely felt exactly the emotions I was going for with it.

Don't hurt me after the last chapter, right?


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Review #11, by Roisin Adalie

19th August 2014:
So yeah, definitely don't think Adalie is the killer. POOR THING. How terrifying it must be to realize that your only friends are war criminals, especially if it's the first time you've ever been out in the world! (I recently read about an exiled Vietnamese dictator who ended up running a liquor store in California--no one knew who he was or what he'd done!)

Can't believe they didn't think to check her for Imperius--that would be the most logical conclusion, given their evidence. Or at least, a good thing to look for. Then again, they didn't get to see inside her head like we did.

Loved the good-cop/bad-cop of Harry and Ron! And that even as 'bad cop', Harry remains reasonable!

I'm super impressed that you managed such an intricate and long story for a challenge entry! I've never been more ambitious than a one-shot!

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the good-cop/bad-cop. I felt like it was a classic thing and I had to include it! And in my mind Ron would absolutely be the good cop.

I honestly don't know how I managed it either. It ended up being an insane race against time to get this story finished, but I knew when the challenge was to write a murder mystery that I had to go longer than a one-shot to make it compelling if I could.

Your thoughts about Adalie are interesting. She does seem pretty innocent doesn't she? And after she'd just gotten out from under the thumb of her parents and their wicked ways... It certainly was a rude awakening for her to have everything come crashing down like that.


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Review #12, by Roisin Interlude

19th August 2014:
OK, so honest feedback on that scene: honestly, it seemed kind of OOC in terms of the emotional content and perspectives. Ginny being minxy: certainly; but Harry seemed off. Just too assertive. Harry strikes me as more casual, less aggressive, and if starved for some lovin', would end up combating Ginny's teasing with silliness, rather than dominance. He just doesn't strike me as someone who needs to assert himself. I mean, he's decidedly a disarmer, not a strong-armer.

But I really liked the Victory Ball--I'd never thought of anything like that, and can't remember reading something of its kind being done before. But it makes perfect sense! All countries celebrate the end of wars, especially when they mark overthrowing tyranny. Definitely a great idea, and I loved that it was a bit of a charade (and that Kingsley apologizes after :) )

Author's Response: Fair point. For me anyway, this certainly isn't Harry and Ginny's status quo in this area - more something that occurs on occasion. I think Harry definitely has it in him to be quite assertive, especially when he's riled up though and I viewed the combination of the evening and his...need...to be a special kind of riling up for him. Plus, I guess I also considered that while Ginny is probably the more naturally aggressive one she wouldn't want that role ALL the time. And Harry would've learned over time that there are certain times (and cues) that Ginny wants it a certain way. In a sense then, Harry's recognition of that and acting accordingly isn't as aggressive as it first appears. Perhaps I didn't do a good job handling it though. I appreciate your feedback on it.

I'm glad you liked the ball though. I thought the Ministry might have some kind of event to commemorate things. I suppose canon after the First War (at least from what we ever saw or heard of) would lean against it, but maybe after the Second War they would have instituted it. And it allowed me to explore Harry's feelings on the aftermath of the war and more recent wizarding society too, all while setting up other possibilities if you look closely (or ARE they real possibilities? Hmm...).


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Review #13, by Roisin Focus

19th August 2014:
Ooh, Hughes gets more and more interesting! I love the bit about him and his cadre.

THEORY TIME: so maybe he doesn't seem like an idealogue, but as stated, he become much more reserved about his opinions once he joined the wizengamot. Maybe he only votes against certain things (like the centaur thing) because he knows they'll pass anyway (to maintain some illusion of lacking bias). And with House Elf rights, he voted in favor (which was the only reform mentioned that didn't have overwhelming support), so they would have needed those twelve votes. This DOES NOT help me figure out who murdered him or why, but this is my suspicion anyway!

Author's Response: Alright! You're interested enough to be coming up with theories! Success! I definitely wanted to inject more about Hughes so that people can have fun wondering about him.

So you're following the logic of Hughes being more of an influencer than he appears. Interesting. Obviously I can't comment one way or another - I'd hate to ruin anything - but we'll see how satisfied you are with how things turn out.


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Review #14, by Roisin Frenzy

19th August 2014:
OH MY you really ARE doing a canon reunion! And so brilliantly brought into the plot!

I loved the press-conference, and Harry's continued distaste for journalists (also: La Revelacion is a GREAT name). And the way you introduced the idea of an alternate motive, or non-dark wizard perpetrator(s)!

You also do a great job of alternating where the weight goes--between personal lives, petty politicking, and mysterious plot. The story is really well balanced!

Author's Response: You know I really hadn't realized (on a conscious level anyway) before I finished how many folks I HAD brought back from canon for this thing. I'm glad you thought it was a good thing though.

It's also really great to hear you liked the press conference! I wanted to make it come of harried (no pun intended) and a bit frantic, but I wasn't sure if as written it came off too bland.

As far as the other things, balance was definitely a big objective of mine because I didn't think the story would really well if it was TOO focused on the mechanics of the investigation the entire time. It's good to know you thought it worked!


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Review #15, by Roisin Intelligence

19th August 2014:
AHA, of course Hermione's first move is to go to the library! Love that! Also, that she came up with a "clever version of the Trace"--very in character for her :)

And C.R.O.W.s--great acronym! Perfect!

I definitely don't feel like the story is plodding, rather, very quick and exciting. I loved all of Hughes' backstory, and the way you brought in Nobby Leach was really masterful. The whole thing wove together so nicely--had I not JUST read about him on the HP Wiki, I would never have noticed where the canon ended and original plot came in!

And AH, Draco--the whole class of 97' all reuniting, for better or for worse ;)

Author's Response: I'm glad you enjoyed it and thought everyone stayed in character here. I'm glad you didn't find it plodding either. I probably had an exaggerated sense of it sense I'd spent a long time recovering before being able to finish it, but I'm glad it came out good in the end.

And ahh Draco indeed...snarky as usual right?


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Review #16, by Roisin Paper

19th August 2014:
The pace of this chapter was great! I loved the rapid, pithy dialogue, and the focus on technical areas and methodologies. It was such a breeze to read--but you packed so much in! The coroner, the romantic interludes, introducing the key players.

I also really liked getting POVs from each of the trio, which is also a fun thing here, because Hermione is involved, but through a separate office. I'm hoping that that will expand on the interpretations of the case development :)

You wove together canon stuff (the DMLE), and your own inventions so seamlessly, too. And it's hard not to enjoy how "occupational" the story is.

It was a surprise to see in your A/N that you struggled with the chapter, because it seemed so effortless, and not at all tortured!

Great job!

Author's Response: Hello again! I'm glad you enjoyed all the back-and-forth here. I definitely wrestled with it not getting too off-track from the case, but at the same time not staying entirely zero-ed in on the investigation itself (if that makes sense).

I'm really glad you found the sort of world and interaction between occupations and entities I created for the story workable too! That was something I spent A LOT of time thinking about as I went along and I hoped it made sense and came across believably!


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Review #17, by Roisin Awakenings

18th August 2014:
Another great chapter! Where to begin?

I loved that Harry and Ginny live in a cramped flat--a lot of people write them as very grown-up at this age, in a proper house and all, but I liked that you keep them realistically in their early twenties. Their relationship was perfect as well--loved Ginny's characterization. Her mild (but fiery) annoyance, but her recognition that Harry's work is important, and that he needs to get on with it. Very Ginny.

One thing you might want to change, though: "undershirt and pants." Pants means 'underwear' in British-English, and a lot of readers (myself included) might misunderstand at first. Now, he absolutely could be putting on underwear, but I don't think that's what you meant, and then the implication is that he answered the door in his boxers. You'll probably want to switch the word choice to "trousers."

Then theres: "received this [these] late-night visits."

And just to get all of my annoying nitpicking done at once: "Despite their best efforts, rogue dark wizards..." One sentence, two subjects, but only one is named, so "their" ends up *grammatically* indicating "rogue dark wizards." You have to reintroduce your subject to keep the modifiers straight, ("Despite the Auror Office's best efforts" or something like that).

Last one, then I go back to gushing: "the coffee he had brought with him." So here, I know you needed to explain that he brought it with him, otherwise we'd be like "when did Harry make him coffee??"--but it does read as rather tacked on. I only pick on this because the writing is so good. Maybe, when Harry first answers the door, mention that Robards is holding a cup of coffee?

OK, enough CC!

There was something awesome and cinematic about how each of the group gets rounded up (Ron, Neville). I LOVED how you pay reference to Neville/Luna, and introduce Neville/Hannah. And it was really natural, and in passing. Delightful!

Also, it was clever because we have Harry happy with Ginny, Ron happy with Hermione, and then you break it up with Neville-in-transition.

Also, LOVED Neville and Ron betting about what Harry would do next. It was a great way to bring some cheekiness into an otherwise serious situation. And the whole investigation was really creatively written. These two chapters almost read like a procedural TV show (kind of CSI)--but definitely in a good/fun way! (I was quite the fan of early CSI).

As with the first chapter, I liked the inclusion of jargon ("double lead," "special prosecuter"). Since we never really get to see the ins-and-outs of law enforcement in canon, I really like the way you delve into the details!

Can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: Thanks for the feedback! Unfortunately (at least to me) I never get much CC in my reviews, so it's nice to see things that you noticed and were able to point out. Alas, when it comes to grammar I can get lazy, so while I try to obey the rules as much as possible, if I think a reader will understand my meaning anyway (without coming back and re-introducing a subject for example), I just leave it. Thanks for keeping me honest though! I'm intrigued to see if you'll catch a non-grammatical slip up later on that I need to go back and edit, but haven't because somehow nobody's caught it yet.

You are the first person to mention the procedural feel! That is actually sort of what I was going for. Though there are some breaks from that in particular chapters, this being the first mystery I'd ever written, I thought it would be interesting to explore a familiar mystery format in a story-form (as opposed a script with video). We'll see how you feel it pans out over the life of the story, but it's cool you noticed it!

Thanks for the reviews!


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Review #18, by Roisin 11:57

18th August 2014:
Hello! Here for the Gryffindor review exchange! I was super stoked to get paired with you, after meeting you through the friendship thread :D

On to the review:
I lovelovedloved the introduction of blood-prejudice in finance. Since I know you are very knowledgeable about law, I'm really excited to see more. Anyway, it was a really great idea, and I'm always drawn to political analysis of the wizarding world.

The writing was all super tight, and there was nary an error that took me out of the story.

"Tobias Hughesís eyes remained open, wide but empty." Such a chilling line! I recently struggled with a similar kind of scene, and wanted to draw exactly this balance between sparing and striking. Wonderfully done!

Overall, the pacing of this chapter was just perfect! You did a lot in very little space without it seeming rushed, or leaving any want for detail. Just a great hook, and I'm definitely anxious to read more!

On to the next!

Author's Response: I'm excited to get started on reading your story too! From the summary it sounds like it will be very unique - I'll be there once I deliver on an old review promise I made pre-House Cup and have yet to completely follow through on. Don't worry! I have a deadline for yours, so it will not be slipping through the cracks like that!

I'm really glad you liked the opening chapter. I definitely wanted to give enough information to understand why Hughes was murdered, but leave some things open and then have a brutal, high-impact murder to end with.

In a way it's a bit unfortunate I did this for a challenge because I didn't end up having the time to inject all the political elements as thoroughly as I might have otherwise done. So while it will come up in fits and starts, the rest of the story will be more investigation-focused.

Hope you still enjoy it!


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Review #19, by lumos_knox 11:57

3rd May 2014:
Wow! Just reading the first chapter of this I am already hooked. It's quite easy to see how you won the Murder Mystery Challenge.

You describe really well, and you leave space for the reader to imagine certain things for themselves... I am just sitting there, probably leaning closer to my computer than I should because it's literally got you on the edge of your seat in suspense.

When you first introduced Tobias, my first reaction was (oh, yes...) As the story progressed, I suddenly remembered what challenge you had entered it was (right, well he's going to die) which is so sad. It's a bit like Frank Bryce in the GOF, but he didn't have any idea what he was up against like Hughes did.

What else I love about it is your pacing. You didn't ramble on for ages about Tobias, and then just kill him, there was right amounts of everything.

Very scary, but brilliant! Love it.
Lauren

Author's Response: Howdy! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

I'm glad you enjoyed it so much! I definitely wanted to start with a "bang" so to speak and address the murder straight away, but I also wanted to find balance as you said, with giving enough of Tobias to make people feel something about it when he was killed.

The fact you liked the descriptions also warms my heart. Descriptions are something I sometimes struggle with, so I have been focusing a lot on improving them and I'm delighted you noticed them in a good way!

Thanks again for the kind review!


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Review #20, by Rumpelstiltskin Proof

29th April 2014:
Plot/plot arch: O.O *Gasp* (That's all you're getting for a review...just *gasp* ;)!) Talk about a plot twist, bravo! I've never been good at plot twists. Now, I knew that it wasn't Adalie, but I never suspected Hermione to set up Lucius (which is fitting AND he's one of my favorite bad guys) who then pinned it on Adalie. It took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts to even begin to write a coherent review after I learned that bit of information. (Ginny's pregnant, *squee*!) Gosh, I wasn't sure whether Harry was going to turn Hermione in or not for a while, she was making a very strong case for herself. Of course, then she erased his memory... so, I suppose it did all work out.

Characterization: Hermione -- She's been known for taking extremes with the propaganda of certain subjects that she believes in (take SPEW for example). I think that there is a possibility that she could be capable of something like this, all-the-while keeping her hands clean, if there was a good reason for it. You managed to also keep her rationality, so it wasn't as though she snapped. This was carefully planned and carried out murder.

Overall: This was fun, and shocking. From the beginning, you provided an interesting case from an angle that I didn't quite expect. I think you've done a fantastic job! You've also kept in line with cannon, while including elements of continued character growth.

Notes/other: I didn't see that coming! Thanks so much for entering the challenge, this was so much fun to read! I have to finish the other multi-chaptered entries, still, but results will be up as soon as I can get them.

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Phew! I'm glad you liked it and found it decently believable. I really wrestled with this...had I laid enough clues? Would people buy Hermione masterminding a murder? Would the Lucius element work? I'll confess I originally had a different person in mind to carry out the murder but decided it would be OOC for them to have done it and would be too much in the reveal with Semi-Dark!Hermione. I'll leave it to you to guess who you think it was...

Ultimately I'm just really excited you liked it! Even though you were the...challenger (?) I really really appreciate you taking all the time to read the whole story and review every chapter. It was very thoughtful and you went into so much detail it was great feedback! Best of luck with the remaining reviews!


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Review #21, by Rumpelstiltskin Trial

29th April 2014:
Plot/plot arch: There was certainly a significant case presented against Adalie in the courtroom. I wanted to close my eyes, as I'm still very firm on my guess that Adalie is innocent! Between Harry laying down evidence, and Hermione's expert interrogation on the stand, things were very intense.

Characterization: Ms. Busby, the stuttering lawyer -- that was classic and awesome. I do think she had a point when Harry called the murderer "she", however. It was fairly irrelevant, though, so having been overruled was probably due to the relevance that it had to the case.

Detail: Great job at the court proceedings, it was very realistic. The reflection at the end, where Adalie convinces herself that she was never meant to have freedom (and that's why she was being accused of murder), further convinces me that she didn't do it!

Notes/other: There's only one more chapter and I really, really, really need to find out what will happen!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Boom! Harry and Hermione drop the hammer right? Just like old times, but in a different way.

I'm glad you liked Ms. Busby. I felt a bit sorry for her, writing her as a lawyer really up against it in terms of talent and the case she had to defend, but as for her objection - it absolutely should have been sustained. Your first instinct was correct. Sometimes even judges get sucked in by the magnitude of proceedings.

Speaking of which, I'm glad you found the courtroom proceedings realistic too. I must confess, I would have been sorely disappointed if you didn't. Obviously I don't know how the Wizengamot would really do it or how things work exactly in Britain, but as an American lawyer I wanted to write a courtroom bit. I actually was grumpy afterward that I had to cut the trial into such a small section, but these are the sacrifices we must make to give readers something compelling and not just write way too long about that.

Thank you thank you!


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Review #22, by Rumpelstiltskin Adalie

29th April 2014:
Plot/plot arch: If I can trust the narrator, then I would have to say that Adalie isn't the murderer. I could be wrong, but I think I'll temporarily cross her off of my list of suspects. I could very well be wrong, but she just seems so clueless and naive! Then there's the whole idea of her wand best fitting the murder weapon. I just don't think it's her...or is it? I love Harry and Ron playing "good cop-bad cop". That's really just fun. Oh no! I still don't believe that it's her, though the evidence is misleading.

Characterization: It seems that Adalie's life has been sheltered, which can be exceedingly lonely. Naturally, she's frightened as she's been arrested and hauled off to England where's she's being accused of murder. I still think she's innocent.

Detail: With evidence pointed her way, it doesn't look good for Adalie! Though, given her disposition and the narrative, I can't help feel that she's innocent!

Notes/other: Lovely job! My vote has been cast as to who didn't do it, but who did? It seems to me she's been set up by one of her new friends! My first thought is Pansy, but I won't jump to conclusions. It could very well be Blaise... but I would accuse Pansy first. I'll just have to keep reading to find out!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Excellent! You liked good cop-bad cop. I wanted to do it in the interrogation scene because: (1) it really can work and (2) because Harry and Ron seemed like a wonderful duo to pull it off.

As for Adalie - I can't spoil it in my response for any of those out there who read reviews before reading stories. But I hope you also liked her as a character. She was interesting to write and I kind of wish I could explore her more. Ugh...there I go again coming up with more story ideas when I'm behind on what I'm already writing...

I have to re-iterate that you're awesome for reading and reviewing the rest. It was such a great surprise to come home to!


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Review #23, by Rumpelstiltskin Interlude

29th April 2014:
Plot/plot arch: Though this chapter didn't focus on the main plot, the bit of romantic filler was a pleasant break from the investigation. I just want to mention that the love scene was beautifully and tastefully written. I know from experience that scenes like that are difficult to write in such a way, without crossing lines but still capturing the essence of love between two people (and not being dreadfully cliche). I think that you did an absolutely wonderful job with it. It brightened my day a little, as I wasn't expecting a romantic scene to be tossed in ;). I believe that it further revealed more about Harry and Ginny's relationship as well. Well done.

Characterization: Luckily, Harry was caught checking out Ginny, and not somebody else ;). I think I've said it before, but I do really love their relationship in this. It's very sweet and I think that each of their individual personalities balances the other out. Furthermore, I think you've captured that balancing contrast nicely with your portrayal.

Detail: I do like that you included a bit about post-war life in general and that the heroes of the war represent the reestablished light and safety of the community. By adding elements of despair despite the war's end, I think you've continued to add more depth to the story. It's a realistic touch that lives are still being affected by the war.

Notes/other: Awwe! ♥ ...that is all.

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hello! I forced myself to scroll down here first and respond in order, but you seriously made my day by finishing this story and reviewing the last chapters today!

I'm very happy you enjoyed this chapter. I wasn't sure how people would respond to it, first because of the break in the investigation that had honestly taken a while to really gain steam and second because of the scene with Harry and Ginny.

I definitely wanted to include something that would address how society remembered the defeat of Voldemort a bit later and I thought that would be an interesting avenue both for Harry's perspective on it and for the natural segue to the moment that would give rise to James (II) - which I wanted to address (1) because of the timeline for the story, (2) to test my ability to write the scene, and (3) because Harry/Ginny :).

Thank you!


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Review #24, by Rumpelstiltskin Revision

28th April 2014:
Plot/plot arch: The top two motives that Harry throws on the table (Hughes refusing a bribe, or having been found out to be corrupted) are definitely some solid instigators. Hmm...Helena Garrick ordered Maithwaite to revisit the autopsy? Then, he found new evidence! It may have been much easier if Maithwaite only would cooperate -_-. Then there's the Shafiq girl...oh boy, I can't wait to see where this is going. I still haven't made a guess as to who the killer is! ...I'll find out soon.

Characterization: Maithwaite is being particularly uncooperative! He must be hiding something, especially if he's trying to keep something from investigators of a very important murder case! Or, perhaps, he could have become defensive if he thought that he was in trouble for something. I don't know yet!

Detail: I just thought it was interesting that you included the small bit about the voting process! It must be intimidating to have to vote so openly in court -- it would definitely influence some people to vote one way or another, I would think.

Notes/other: We're starting to get into the thick of things now! I may have time to finish another review before work (I'll try, anyway)!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Ahh! I just got home from work! And it was awesome to come home to a review!

I'm glad the plot has the wheels in your head spinning now. I know it kind of took awhile to get to this point, but I'm excited to see you thinking - though you're too smart to guess just yet.

Re: the voting process, given the backdrop of the story I thought it would be a good touch to include the details of the post-war legal processes (and it also shored up the whole business with Hughes...but is that significant? Not telling :p)

I'm also glad you noticed Maithwaite. He's kind of hard to avoid as prickly as he is, but I enjoyed writing the little tidbits of him in the story. There's something about a curmudgeonly coroner that appealed to me.

Thanks for R&R-ing again! Hope you continue to enjoy it!


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Review #25, by Rumpelstiltskin Focus

27th April 2014:
Plot/plot arch: The possible evidence that Hughe's decisions could have swayed the outcomes of several controversial trials makes for a fantastic motive. Since he never spoke about the cases outside of court, I'm curious to see how the murderer may be related to the court-case (but that's just me assuming ;) ). The history about the Shafiqs was interesting -- it seems that, although they were purebloods, they pretty much minded their own. It will be interesting to see if we meet the 'last living daughter'.

Characterization: I loved the conversation between Neville and Hermione (and I think this is an appropriate place to put my thoughts about this). Understandably, they are investigating everybody that COULD have a possible motive -- I just thought it was a bit humorous because it seems that she is ALWAYS at work! I'm also sensing a possible romantic interest between Neville and Hannah (since he's been spending so much time at the Leaky and the brief interaction between Hannah and Harry), though I could very well be wrong. Pansy is exceedingly unpleasant, as her cannon has previously dictated. She makes for a fun, miserable character.

Style: Since there are multiple investigators in this, I think that your method of hopping from scene-to-scene and from character-to-character is very effective.

Notes/other: This is exciting! As always, I can't wait to read more.

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Hello again! Thrilled to find another review from you as I slog through the latest (and surprisingly vexing) chapter of my novel! Responding now seems like the perfect break.

I'm glad you enjoyed the Hughes bit. Intrigue right? As for the Shafiqs, there is certainly more to come...and I'll leave it at that.

It's also good to hear the characterizations and method are working for you. Geez. Hermione IS always at work isn't she? Though I don't end up exploring it in this story, you are quite right that there is interest between Neville and Hannah. And Pansy - I kind of have this idea of exploring her more as a character one day, but here I stuck with her as she is in canon, snotty and easy to love to hate.

As always thank you! Your reviews are super and I enjoy seeing you trying to work things out in the plot section too!


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