Reading Reviews for Fleeting Love
  
8 Reviews Found

Review #1, by jessicalorewrites Baby Steps

29th July 2014:
Hi! Here for the review swap :) I chose this one because I've been lacking in JILY FEELS recently and decided I needed to read some more cutesy fluff. And boy did you deliver!

Humour is something I'm always wary of in fics because sometimes it seems very forced but here I found it flowed well with the plot and pace and seemed very typical of the Marauders and the way you characterised them. The banter at the start about James setting Moony on Sirius made me giggle :3

Ahh I have to say though I love that you decided on what approach to take with Lily and STUCK TO IT! Many authors say things like 'Lily is so fiesty' etc but they never really show it... here, you definitely do. She's violent and erratic and everything you say that she is. And I love it! Yet there's also the softer, questioning side which makes her more three dimensional.

The only thing that really stood out to me as off was that Lily had been talking for 2+ hours. A little unrealistic, I'm sure she'd get tired of talking or run out of things to say in that time... James would probably get bored too :p

Other than that, I enjoyed this lots :D great start -- and thanks for my review!

xo

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Review #2, by LavenderBlue Baby Steps

16th April 2014:
LavenderBlue here with your requested review!

James & Lily fic? AW YEAH. I always love me some James & Lily lurve, and I'm particularly excited to see how you approach the story.

Plot: The good news is that this first chapter follows a straightforward plot that your readers will be familiar with: Boy fancies Girl, Girl hates (buy secretly fancies) Boy, Boy wins Girl. Since the James/Lily arc is so well known, that leaves the real juice of this current chapter to the WAY in which their story is told. And overall, I found it very enjoyable! There is snark, humor, and drama here, all of which is a treat to read. However, I did have some concerns about plot details and characterization, which I'll address below.

My main concern is that the plot device here works, but it seems a little over the top in its execution. James & Lily trapped inside an empty classroom? Golden set-up. But would Lily really talk through her thoughts about James from A-Z, for TWO HOURS? o.o If Lily is still unsure about her feelings toward James, would she want to be sorting them out out loud and in front of the guy in question? I like a lot of Lily's observations, but I think it'd be a more realistic choice if those observations/revelations were internal monologue, kept only to herself.

Maybe it would be more in character if Lily SULKED rather than talked for an hour straight. The end result can still be the same (telling James she fancies him), but much more enigmatic from James' standpoint. That would give him even more reason to wonder if Lily really wants to be with him or if she's just playing along because he backed her into a corner. In my experience, characters are more compelling and intriguing because of the things they DON'T say, the nuanced way they say things, and how their words can be misconstrued.

In that vein of thought, Lily's vehement shouts struck me as a little off, too. She's a well-respected Head Girl, after all. Would she really let her temper take over and shout at the Marauders in a classroom full of students? I would imagine that she'd take a more subtle, drier approach at fighting back. Of course, some of that just comes down to personal interpretation of Lily's character. :)

Lastly, you mention that practically ALL the staff and students (even first years) at Hogwarts know about James' attempt to win Lily. While I totally believe that James would make a big deal about wooing Lily, I wonder if the first years, even fifth years, would care that much about the nonexistent romance of two students who don't in any way affect their life. It does, however, make sense that most students in James and Lily's YEAR would know. This is a miniscule scruple, but it jarred me out of story enough that I thought it worth noting.

Characterization of the Marauders? LOVED. Remus and Peter read true to me so far, and I especially like your take on Sirius. He's a solid blend of charismatic humor (I laughed out loud at several of his lines) and of unspoken insecurities. That final paragraph concerning him is beautiful. Of course Sirius is happy for James, but making way for a friend's significant other is a real, often painful problem. The fact that your parallel that problem with Sirius' relationship with Regulus is very effective. Hands down, my favorite paragraph from this chapter. Great work!

Favorite bits: Um. I love that Lily would still choose isolation with James over detention. Haha.

This sentence - "He seemed so at ease, Lily thought, as though he had been preparing this move for years. She realised, with slight shock, that that probably was the case." .

Typos:
"passers-by" can be simply "passersby"

All told, I think this is a great start! Thanks for giving me the chance to read, and I hope this review has been semi-helpful. :] Keep up the great work!

Author's Response: Hey there!
First off, can I just thank you for a wonderful review! I really appreciate all the time you took to write this for me, and I'm so sorry I'm late replying to it - I've been out the past couple of days, but I'm still really grateful for the feedback!
After re-reading the section in question, I do realise that it is probably a little OTT in its setup. I will change it so that it seems more realistic - changing the time length, making Lily's thoughts more internal so that James has misconceptions about her feelings etc. Sometimes when I'm writing, I tend to get too carried away and I overexaggerate tiny things - in the original version (which never got onto the site, luckily, because it was atrocious), there was a whole paragraph dedicated to the colour of Lily's hair! I really am rather strange sometimes...
Good point about Lily's shouting - I agree that that probably isn't the way she'd be most likely to express anger so I'll take a look at that and make a few tweaks ;)
I don't mind if it's only a miniscule thing, I want to know! I'm a massive perfectionist, so I will definitely take that last point into account because I think that is a good point - even if most people did know, why would they care?
Thankyou so much for your praise and comments - they all really help! I love to write Sirius because of that character trait - he is funny and charming, but while that isn't fake, it is to help cover up some serious insecurities and issues he has with himself.
Again, massive thankyou for the time you've taken - I appreciate each and every word deeply, so big over-the-internet hug for you! I don't think I'll ever get snother chapter up, because I'll be spending forever tweaking and changing this one until it's absolutely perfect! I apologise for not giving you the really in-depth reply that you deserve, but I do confess that I kinda suck at reaponding to your reviews - but please know that I really love you for taking so much time over this!
Thankyou for such a helpful review,
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #3, by keyty Baby Steps

9th April 2014:
Hello there!

I figured I'd go ahead and leave you a review while I'm here :)

This is a really strong start. You have a very strong voice in your writing, and the pace and flow go together nicely. I could have done with a longer chapter, but if it were up to me, all fics would be never-ending!

So far you're doing a pretty good job of establishing all the characters. We've gotten a glimpse of what all the Marauders are like, as well as Lily. You've given us the background story as to why they're all behaving this way and every action is justified, nothing seems out of place.
So far I think you're doing really well on characterization, even if it's just the first chapter. I don't know what you're worried about! All you have to do now is uphold the traits you've established.

On to the next one!

Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely comments! Yeah, I've said it before but I do seem to have a hard time writing long chapters. I think what I'll have to do from now on is write about three (in my view) and lump them all together to make one actual, proper-length chapter ;)
Thankyou for the lovely compliments! I know I kinda suck at replying to reviews, though, so sorry...
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #4, by TidalDragon Baby Steps

6th April 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by from the review thread in the Gryffindor CR. Welcome!

I picked this story to review because I'm a big fan of Marauders Era fics and definitely a big fan of James/Lily.

Based on your summary, labels, and this chapter, I'm not quite sure what approach you're going to take on the whole, but this chapter fit comfortably with what a lot of people like in Marauders Era fics in terms of humor. Accepting that as your goal for this chapter, I was okay with the dialogue for the most part.

For me, I thought your descriptions were probably the strongest part. For example, when you described Lily's hair and compared it to the fire of her anger, I thought that painted a really nice picture of both her and her mood in the moment.

The only part I wasn't particularly a fan of was the characterizations. I just felt that James and Lily were a bit over the top. James seemed excessively distracted by Lily in class (though the rhino horn incident was amusing) given that he is also supposed to be a very talented student. Lily meanwhile seemed too have a bit TOO much of a temper for me. But that's just me. Some readers will eat up these characterizations I'm sure.

See you in the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I really appreciate the constructive criticism and I will definitely take it on board. I'm still new to writing my own stories (of any type) and so I think I will probably not write any new chapter over Easter and review my present ones. Thanks again for the review, it really helped!
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #5, by marauderslover15 Baby Steps

31st March 2014:
I think you portrayed the marauders beautifully, especially Sirius who tends to be on the impulsive side. James was adorable with the way he looked at Lily, I wish someone would look at me like that. Also Lily was done well, I think it's known she has a bit of a temper.

It was short, but it was really good!

Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review! Yeah, I wish someone would look at me like that too, but a girl can dream ;)
Yeah, I know all my chapters are short, but for some reason I have a hard time writing long ones. I've tried to get my brother, who's amazing at writing, to give me a few tips and help me but he won't so I'm kinda stuck :(
Again, though, thankyou for the review!
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #6, by XxXEllieXxX Baby Steps

12th March 2014:
I think that was a really good chapter and fantastically written. :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm pleased you are enjoying it, this is my first big fanfic so thank you so much for taking the time to review, much appreciated xxx
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #7, by Harry and Ginny Baby Steps

11th March 2014:
haha this first chapter was funny! I loved how you wrote Sirius' idea of putting James and Lily alone so they would talk! going to read the next chapter now!^_^

10/10

Harry and Ginny

Author's Response: Thankyou! Like I say, reviews mean so much to me, and good ones literally mean the world. Yeah, the idea for locking them in together was originally thought of by JK Rowling, but since she never really elaborated on it (as far as I know), and I liked the idea, I decided to use it!
Thanks so much,
awesomepotter xxx


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Review #8, by diamondmoon Baby Steps

1st March 2014:
This is a great start! It's interesting reading this in 3rd person. Your description is great (:

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm so grateful for your review - I always give a little squeak of happiness whoever I see I've got one :)
Yeah, I know most people tend to write stories like this in the first person in lots of different perspectives, but I find it hard to write in first person in a story like this so that's why I didn't, obviously...
Again, a massive thank you for reviewing, as you can see it's the first one for this story and I'm really glad to finally have some feedback for it xxx
Sorry for such a long winded reply, but I don't often get reviews so I go all out to reply to those I do get ;)
Love awesomepotter xxx


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