Reading Reviews for My Deep and Black Desires
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by luciusobsessed My Deep and Black Desires

15th March 2014:
Great story! I love the characterization of Bella and how her thoughts are really reflective of her disposition. It's funny to me because we actually see this "fantasy" of hers come true so I'm just sitting here imagining a younger masochistic Bella haha. I like the detail. I think even more detail would make it an even better chapter. Keep it up though, great writing!

luciusobsessed

Author's Response: I would love to add more detail but sometimes I prefer to let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe sometime in the future...

Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #2, by Aphoride My Deep and Black Desires

11th March 2014:
Hey there! I'm so sorry this has been so late in coming - almost a month! - life has been incredibly hectic recently, and I'm sort of grabbing a spare moment to send you this! :)

So I really like this! I like how you've characterised Bella - how she's bored and sees school as something not worth her time. It's such a teenage though, you know, so it's symbolic of her age, but also shows her personality off pretty well: the arrogance that she doesn't need their teaching, and the idea that she hates working with others - ironic, then, that she ends up not only working with others, but for Voldemort, you know? I don't know if you intended it to be ironic, in that way, but it is! :)

One thing I noticed is that all your paragraphs, mainly, are pretty short. Maybe try filling them out a bit more - expanding on the things you're writing, going into more depth, more description, expand on what she's doing in class. It's fine as it is, it's just something to think about to improve ;) There were also a few places where some of the paragraphs could have been combined to make a big paragraph - the paragraph break wasn't necessary. Like when she's talking about killing the students - those two paragraphs can just make one. I think that would help!

Your word choice is great, though - I love how you seem to have used a more formal sort of language for her, though you've retained a sense that she doesn't care, since both make sense and really give this the feel of the character, you know?

The details you use are lovely too - I love things which use details to give effect, and you do that really well here, with the mentions of nails and Dementors and husks, and the mention of McGonagall and whether or not she's ever smiled in her life.

One quick thing: Bellatrix was Bellatrix Black before she got married, which I would imagine would be before she left school - Lestrange is her married surname ;) Obviously, if she's married before she leaves school... I dunno, but it just sounds a bit strange and I thought I'd mention it anyway! :)

Hope this was helpful and I really enjoyed this - feel free to re-request for other stories in the future! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: No problem - I completely understand and i appreciate you taking the time to critique.

I'm glad I've characterized her well. I used to write her all the time but this was my first attempt in a couple of years. I've still got it apparently! I didn't intend for it to be ironic, but sometimes that makes it all the better and makes it more natural. I don't like forcing things.

It's funny - my Lit teacher constantly reminds me to write longer paragraphs while he has to remind my classmates to make their paragraphs shorter. It's something I struggle with, so maybe I'll go back and see what I can do about it.

I purposefully made her speak formally because she is a member of the most ancient family Black. She would have been raised to be a proper lady. But at the same time she doesn't give a crap.

Yes! I have good details! That's often something I struggle with, so that's spectacular!

I actually realized that a few days ago and I debated changing it to Black. Ultimately, I decided to keep it as it was because to me it just makes her seem more crazy to me.

Thanks for reviewing!



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Review #3, by Infinityx My Deep and Black Desires

21st February 2014:
Hello there! I'm here for the review you requested!

This was such a powerfully written, dark chapter. I think you've really brought out the evil lunacy in Bellatrix's character. I love your idea behind this one-shot, focusing on Bellatrix's plans. It was a brilliant touch to let the readers into her mind and her thoughts when she isn't otherwise occupied.

I really like the voice in this story. It brings out her Black side, with the refined manner of speech and the sharp tone. That was very well done.

There were quite a few spelling errors within this, as well as commas that were missing. For instance,
- regularly, not regularily.
- McGonagall. The G has to be capitalized.
- Soon after(,) the bumbling fool of a professor also walked in and stood behind his podium. The comma is missing there which changes the entire meaning of the sentence.

There were a couple of places where I felt a different word could be used to keep up with the tone of the story. For instance, It's a win for me either way, so whatever. Instead of so whatever, I think so no matter would sound better. (But that's just my opinion. Ignore it if you don't agree.)

The tense has been changed in the last part of the story. And after the students...
You've written will instead of would.

Okay, I'm done with the CC. Sorry if it was too harsh. :)

I loved this story. The torture methods described here and the whole plan were quite...creative. You completely set the mood of the story. It was gripping and I found myself hanging on to every word on the screen. Your descriptions were vivid and the imagery was brilliant. I could imagine the entire scene playing out in front of me.

I love how you've stayed true to Bellatrix's character as has been depicted in the HP books, and it's interesting to see how she had such thoughts even at this age, and her madness wasn't just because of being imprisoned in Azkaban or years of evil deeds.

I love your closing sentence. I think you should remove the 'but' though. Once again, it's just a suggestion. :)

This was brilliant. It was captivating and engrossing, and I love the amount of detail that has been put in this, in so few words. Wonderful! :)

~Erin

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review! It's greatly appreciated.

So, for this story I had to use a different computer that did not have a spell check or anything like it. A very bare bones processor. Soon, I'll have to email myself this and upload it to a new document and edit it.

I like the "no matter" idea. It seems more formal. Which Bellatrix is in a way. And as for removing "but": I like that too. It seems more abruptive and in your face without it — which Bellatrix is.

I knew I had to have messed up the tenses! Stupid conditional!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, ignoring the spelling and tense issues. I'm quite proud of it and it is a fine way to return to HPFF!

Again, thank you for reviewing. I found your constructive criticism to be very helpful.

:)


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