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Reading Reviews for Desertion
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by The Summer Snake Escape

7th May 2015:
Greetings from The Summer Snake! I have recently slithered out of hibernation and discovered this amazing place with such amazing stories, so I want to read and review as many as I can before I go back into hibernation!

So, this was a really nice piece of writing, especially since this was your first fan fiction. I, the summer snake, have travelled far and wide in my long life and have only come across a fair few good pieces of "first time" works. Yours is definitely one of them now.

You gave a very unique insight into Draco here. His characterisation was nicely done and his pain got through beautifully. I think you portrayed this post-war situation quite nicely and realistically. His memories and love for his mother, his hatred for his father, his realisation after the war was nicely captured in this one-shot.

Your descriptions were good and I enjoyed the narrative. The ending was especially powerful, Draco's running free being both literal and symbolic. I loved it.

All in all, great job and great story! I really hope more people read and review this gem. Hope you continue writing such good stories and improve as you do =) Here's some summer cheer for you! *showers confetti and flowers*

And now, before I'm off to explore more of this wonderful sun, I'd just like to say - if you want to guess who lies underneath this snake skin, love for the Malfoys is a good clue xD See ya!

With love,
The Summer Snake

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Review #2, by SeverusLove Escape

31st May 2014:
Hey there! Review exchange person who's really delayed here. :'D

First of all, I'm really sorry about the delay asdfghhjkl like how did May come and go so quickly anyway?

Second, I confess, I've actually read this oneshot before it was assigned to me. Like, I don't know how, but I think I've seen a status about it on the forums or something and went to check it out? :P

I love your ability with description, weaving words that flow together and are easy to comprehend like "The iron gates of the Manor encroached upon him, looming out of the grey mist." This is quite the twist story, tbh. I'm not sure on whether I like it or not, just mainly surprised and absorbing the newness of it, though I do believe it was writ well.

A note, however, is that I would have wanted to see more of a build-up to the fury Draco displays in the story. I don't immediately get the characterisation of Draco wanting to leave, if anything I'd think that after the war, he'd need the support of his family more than anything. It might be better to backtrack a bit and let us in on his thoughts and when he actually started to think of Harry as 'kind and brave and more deserving of life' than the two people he loved more than anything leading up to the hate he portrays on them here. Maybe that's just me, though, since I've always thought of the Malfoys as family-oriented despite their blatant flaws so this came off as a bit sudden and a surprise. So yeah, a build-up might help us understand the change of heart.

The tone and pace was a tad fast, but steady throughout the chapter and they flowed rather well together. I think your grammar and sentence structure is really good, but there's this quickie in the second to the last paragraph where the phrase "he marched up to the aobbing boy's bedroom" is used. I'd assume maybe that was meant as 'sobbing' or something else? :3

I'd love to see more from you, keep writing, yeah?


Author's Response: Ahaha, I know what you mean. Time really does fly sometimes :) Interesting to see you've read it before - this piece doesn't have many reads, so it's nice to know you were one of the few!
Thanks! My description has always been probably the strongest point in my writing, and I don't really know why. In real life I can never do it - my sentences a;ways end up as, "You know Bob - the one with the.. glasses... hair... eyes... ehhh." Ah well, the world moves in mysterious ways, does it not?
This idea of Draco has always been a but 'Marmite', in my opinion (i.e. you either love it or just don't), but it does come as a new idea to lots of people. In my opinion, Draco was never really evil - he just looked up to his father a LOT, and wanted to follow in his footsteps, then later in life was forced to even though I believe he really didn't want to. To me it seems logical that Draco, without the threat of the Dark Lord hanging over them, would probably rebel and leave, and be incredibly angry at his father for putting him through all that. That's just my opinion, though, so if you don't think so that's fine too ;)
I see your point about there not being much stimulus for the sudden anger - I'll have a look at that and maybe tweak it a bit, because I do think you make a good point.
Ooh, yeah, that was meant to be 'sobbing' - sorry if that confused you, but I'll try and remember to change that when I can get onto the other computer!

Thanks for the review!
awesomepotter xxx

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Review #3, by Pixileanin Escape

14th April 2014:
Hi! I'm tagging you from the Gryffindor Common Room.

I thought you did a really good job with this. I always wondered what happened to the Malfoys after the last battle, and what they did with themselves when they got home. This seems like a plausible scenario, with Lucius still posturing about and trying to direct the family into whatever he thought was best. Draco's decision to leave didn't surprise me in the least. He'd had plenty of time to grow and come into his own during DH, and I think you showed that very well here.

Draco's anger is definitely portrayed well here. He starts off small, and then bursts like a dam, letting all of his frustrations out as he tells his father exactly what he thinks of him. I like how you tie his anger into events of his past, not just with his time at Hogwarts, but that Draco still had pent up anger from when he was very little. I assume that he blows up because this frustration has been building for such a long time, and it's taken him all these years to finally be strong enough to say no to someone who he probably thought he couldn't say no to, ever. It's a big moment for him.

I'm glad that you chose to show the softer side of Narcissa here. I always believed that she was a good mother to Draco, regardless of anything else that happened in that house. It feels good knowing that Draco doesn't blame her, that he had an advocate and appreciates what she's done for him. I can imagine that in the future, if he ever chooses to, he will be able to reconcile with her.

Dramatic as it was, for the age of the character and for all the pent up anger and frustration, I really can say that I don't think he's being overdramatic here. I think you hit all the desperation that he feels of getting out of that place just right. The only thing I'm a little bit curious about is where he thinks he's going at this point. Even a wizard has to stop running eventually.:)

Nicely done!

Author's Response: Hey there!
I always wondered the same thing myself - I always though there was a better side to Draco we never got to see because his father controlled him so much. At his core, though, Lucius is really a coward to me. I always imagined him to be the sort of person who only joined Voldemort because he was powerful, but you could tell his heart wan't really into it because he left partway through the battle - I thought it would only make sense to have him try and escape capture.
I actually based Draco's anger upon an old teacher of mine, funnily enough. She always started off quiet, and suddenly burst out yelling, and once she got started she just wouldn't stop. I always found this to be the most frightening way of expressing anger, because it contained that shock value as well. I wanted to see Draco stand up to his father, too - and I though this would be a perfect time to do it.
Narcissa - now, there's a mystery. We don't learn much about her in the books, but I always imagined her as comforting and a good mother. She presented herself, in my mind, as a nice counterpart to Lucius; I agree with you that she probably would reconcile woth Draco in the future, although I think, at this point, she would feel the need to stay with Lucius, even if only to protect him from himself.
Thankyou for the feedback - I really do appreciate it. It's always nice to see people are reading my work, and then there are the few lovelies like you who take the time to review! Like I said, I do appreciate it deeply, so thankyou so much - if I could hug you, I would, but hugging a computer with my brother sat opposite me at the moment might look a little strange ;)
Thanks (again!),
awesomepotter xxx

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Review #4, by BLONDEbehaviour Escape

13th April 2014:

I had a looksie on your page and came across this story, anything with Draco in I am intrigued, so i decided to give a read :)

I really enjoyed reading this! You always wonder what happened to the Malfoys afterwards, among themselves, and I feel like you have written a good option. I am a Malfoy lover, so this change of heart and scene made me go naw.

You wrote it really well, it was well descriptive and you could really feel Draco's anguish. I wanted to hug him!!

I'd love to see this going somewhere, personally. Maybe another one-shot ties on, or a short story? If you do decide to take it further, let me know on the forums! :D


Author's Response: Aww, thanks! I really appreciate your review!
I always believed that there was a better side to Draco, and that he would finally grow tired of his father's controlling of him, so I thought it'd be nice to write :)
I will consider taking this further - maybe developing into a short story of his new life after the war? However, I would like to finish the story I'm writing now before I consider doing that - I'm terrible at writing two things at once, one always gets left behind!
I will definitely let you know if I do take this further, name buddy! (I'm a Grace too!)
awesomepotter xxx

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Review #5, by TheMirrorofErised Escape

24th February 2014:
This one shot brightened my day and made the Draco shaped whole in my heart a little smaller, because the softness of character displayed here is something that had always been there, but never quite captured. Thanks, awesomepotter :) this was awesomely written as well :D

Author's Response: Why, thankyou, dear reader. Your review brightened my day as well! I do aim to please :)
I have begun writing a new longer story, and the first chapter should be up soon if you'd like to read more :)
awesomepotter xxx

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Review #6, by theholytrinityHRH Escape

22nd February 2014:
Well, I told you I would check it out and I did. I like it for a one-shot. Like the idea of Draco changing, which he definitely does as the series progresses. I feel like he would be a slightly better person after the war. You should try writing more, maybe a longer fic if you can plot it out.


Author's Response: Thank you! So glad to finally have some feedback! I'm really grateful for your review and your feedback, and I'll definitely try to get some more stuff up if I can. I just need to think of a good storyline...
Thanks again for the review!
awesomepotter xxx

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