18 Reviews Found

Review #1, by LightLeviosa5443 Sent Home From Hogwarts

24th April 2014:
Hi!

I'm here for our review swap!!

This was a really interesting story! I thought it was unique the way you had her parents drive up to the school and have Dumbledore greet them. I definitely think this story definitely is unique and has got some really fun qualities to it.

I also liked the way that Lily's parents addressed Dumbledore, and then how Mrs. Evans talked to Petunia in comparison to have they talked to Lily. I'm sensing some favoritism there. I don't feel bad for Petunia at all in this, though part of me feels like I should.

Anyways! Interesting chapter!

xoxo Sarah ♥

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Review #2, by kenpo Sent Home From Hogwarts

16th April 2014:
Hello!!

You've got a really interesting idea here. I feel bad for Lily! Being sent home from school for illness like that would probably be really upsetting.

The image of Dumbledore just appearing out of nowhere and offering candy would be amusing. I also like it that Madame Pomfrey used the phone to call her parents.

One suggestion- I noticed that all of the chapters are rather short, so you might want to see and look if any of them could be combined. I haven't read the other chapters (obviously), so I don't know how they all flow with each other, but that's just something you might want to consider.

Good first chapter - you've got my intrigued.
-Georgia
-Huffleclaw/Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza-

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Review #3, by Rumpelstiltskin Sent Home From Hogwarts

24th March 2014:
Review tag!

Oh, poor Lily had to leave Hogwarts. That must be a shame, because my head-cannon says that she loves Hogwarts. However, considering she has a disease that only witches and wizards can catch, it's probably best that she leaves (as her family cannot catch it).

I do love Petunia in this as well; she always wants whatever Lily has (well, perhaps not the illness, but the treatment and whathaveyou). It seems like Petunia is being treated unfairly, but she did have lunch already ;).

Anyway, good job!

-Rumpel

Author's Response: Thank s for your review and taking time to read my story :) Glad you liked it :)

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Review #4, by HermionesSecretClone The Muggle Test

23rd March 2014:
I like this plot... Very interesting, but you do know that its impossible to just put magic in a jar in the books,right? With that said, I still enjoy this... please write more! :))) 9/10 HermionesSecretClone

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for reviewing my story. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I didn't really realise that it said you can't put magic in a jar but never mind. Anyway, thanks for reviewing :)
HEG


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Review #5, by Sado The Muggle Test

23rd March 2014:
I really liked this story! You made Petunia's dream come true!!! Good Job!!! Can't you write something about Petunia's life at Hogwarts as a witch??? I would love to read it))

Author's Response: Thank you so much Sado! I am really glad you enjoyed it. Also, I think I may be writing a story about Petunia's life at Hogwarts :)

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Review #6, by Sado The First Test

23rd March 2014:
A Muggle test for Pewtunia?? That sounds interesting. What are the possibilities that she is a witch? Great chapter!!!

Author's Response: Hehe thanks for your review! Can't spoil anything for you :)

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Review #7, by Sado Going to St. Mungo's

23rd March 2014:
LOL Petunia with Dragon's measles! I wonder how she got them if 'only witches and wizards can catch them')) Good chapter!!

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! It's a mystery! :)

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Review #8, by Sado Sent Home From Hogwarts

23rd March 2014:
Brilliant chapter (as always) but I still think that Mrs Evans was unfair to Petunia)) Good Job!!!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the compliment! This review has made my day :)

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Review #9, by TidalDragon The Muggle Test

17th March 2014:
Focusing in on the details first, I would be careful with the book list that you provide for Petunia as a third year. This information should be easy enough to find either from the books themselves, the Wiki, or the Lexicon, so "making your own way" feels a bit wrong. It is true that textbooks possibly varied back when Lily was at Hogwarts, but I would keep some the same and mix some up (and not use canon characters from the future as an author, just to be safe).

For me, the plot also seems a reach in a number of respects, most notably the fact that some can be "made" into a witch or wizard. This feels almost akin to a solution for Squibs, which we know does not exist. Obviously, the plot is yours as an author, but that's just my feeling.

Good luck going forward!

Author's Response: Thanks! I think I will change the book list; it was quite rushed. Thanks again!

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Review #10, by TidalDragon The First Test

17th March 2014:
Just a few things here.

First you did well to match some individualized descriptions to the broader statements you made. A good example is when they see the wizard with the cat in his mouth.

On the flip side, for me there is an OOC issue with Mrs. Evans. If not explicitly in canon, we have gotten from interviews with JKR that Lily's parents were both very happy to have a witch in the family, which makes her mom's reaction to the witches and wizards a bit odd, at least as written. I think it might come off better if you stepped in back a bit so that her initial remarks are less possible to construe as an attack on magical folk.

The other incongruity is the use of "Dr." I'm going solely off what I remember, and from my recollection all of what we would call "doctors" are called "Healers" in the wizarding world, so you might tweak that.

In addition, I'd try to find ways to extend scenes and grind out some more length in your chapters. You tend to primarily involve 2-3 characters in your chapters when there is the possibility of involving many more. Doing so effectively would let you lengthen out the chapters a bit and give some more depth to the scene/world and what you're trying to focus on.

Author's Response: Ok I will do those. I do know that Mrs. Evans is happy with a witch in the family that is until she sees all the nasty illnesses at St. Mungo's. Oh yes I forgot they're all called Healers! Ok I'll try and lengthen the chapters.
Thanks!
HEG


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Review #11, by TidalDragon Going to St. Mungo's

17th March 2014:
Hello again!

So in this chapter you have dramatically improved on your descriptions of characters and their actions! Great!

One person who seems to have suffered though is Mrs. Evans. Last chapter she seemed pretty balanced and measured in her reaction to Lily contracting the illness, but in this chapter, now that it's Petunia, she's bouncing off the walls and using some unlikely speech. I get that she would probably be a little more alarmed given its a wizarding illness, but at the same time, based on the characterization you laid out in Chapter 1, I don't think she'd hit quite these heights.

Also, if you want the illness itself to be significant, I would spend some time describing the symptoms and feelings it causes in its victims in more detail. Right now we just know about how long it takes to heal, that it gives green spots, and supposedly only infects witches and wizards. If the disease itself is important, you probably want more so the readers are inwardly groaning or sympathizing with Petunia's plight.

Author's Response: Hey!
That's great!
yes that's what I thought. She was very kind on the day she picked Lily up but then she gets mad when Petunia gets Dragon's Measles.
ok I will do that one. There wasnt't much description on what the symptoms are are there?
HEG


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Review #12, by TidalDragon Sent Home From Hogwarts

17th March 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request.

In this chapter I think you have a good mix of inner monologue and dialogue. I also think you've done a decent job with the characterization of a younger Lily, Petunia, and Mrs. Evans.

When you look back at the chapter, I think a good place to start would be with Dumbledore and descriptions. For example, Dumbledore is an eccentric, but he is also obviously incredibly wise. Take care not to sacrifice one for the other.

While your chapter is short, you could also benefit from deeper descriptions, both of important things like the Dragon's Measles and also from mixing up your dialogue tags to convey not just that someone is speaking, but how they are speaking and any accompanying movements.

Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks for giving me all these wonderful tips! I will definitley be useing them in my other stories. I did think I made Dumbledore rather eccntric forgetining that he was on of the most clever wizrds in the world. Yes, I know my chapters are short; I'm working on that. Normally when I'm writing a Novel or a Novella the chapters start off short and they get longer and longer. Ok I will do that.
Bye!


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Review #13, by TheGirlOnFire Sent Home From Hogwarts

28th February 2014:
Hey,

So this a great start. This seems to be a great start t a story. I would recommend making the speach seem more natural. In some places it seems forced.

I like the that you've already began building the relationship between Lily and Petunia. It would be interesting to see how you develop their characters.

Hope that wasn't too harsh.

TheGirlOnFire :-)

Author's Response: HI,
Thanks for your review. I like a bit of constructive criticism and as you have said that the speech sounds a bit forced then I might get round to editing it to make it sound more natural.

You'll see more of their personalities throughout the book. I am thinking of doing another book and starting a series.

Thanks again,

HEG:)


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Review #14, by MargaretLane The Muggle Test

27th February 2014:
It'd be interesting to carry on this story and to see how Petunia manages, having missed out on two years of magical education. It'd be like going into 1st class or say 2nd grade, without ever having attended the first two years of school. Gosh, would that be stressful.

I like the part about how she wasn't magical enough to attend Hogwarts, as it fits with what we learnt in canon. Was it Neville who said his family were delighted when he got his letter as they weren't sure if he was magical enough to attend.

One thing that's a bit weird: you've written that the Herbology book is written by Neville Longbottom, but he shouldn't even be born yet, unless it's a relative he was called after.

Interesting that Charms doesn't seem to have been required.

Author's Response: Thanks for your review.
I did think about continuing it but I am writing a couple of other stories at the minute.
Oh, I only just realised that Neville wouldn't be born, I'll have to change that.

I thought that it would be a good idea to end it on petunias being a witch. I may do another story in the series.

Glad you enjoyed it :)

HEG


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Review #15, by MargaretLane The First Test

17th February 2014:
Oh poor Lily. Her mother isn't exactly supportive, is she? I guess that gives us a bit of an indication as to how Petunia turned out the way she did. She's probably picked up on a bit of her mother's attitude.

Author's Response: Hello. Thanks for your review. Yes her mother goes from really nice to horrible I think. From HEG :)

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Review #16, by MargaretLane Going to St. Mungo's

14th February 2014:
Love Mrs. Evans' assumption that Lily must have cast some kind of spell on her sister. It really is the conclusion most people would probably jump to under the circumstances.

Oh, Lily is being a bit bratty, isn't she? Her sister is ill and may need hospitalisation and she is just going on about how she can say what she likes.

Mrs. Evans sounds less impressed with magic here than Petunia implied she was, but then I guess Petunia's point of view isn't exactly unbiased.

And hmm, I wonder how the wizard at the end knows Petunia's name.

Good chapter.

Author's Response: Hi MargaretLane.
Thanks for your boss review.
I agree with your first comment. If you were living in a house with only one wizard slash witch then you'd definitely blame them before thinking of what else could have happened. Also I put Lily being a bit like Moody because she is jealous of Petunia getting all the attention like in the first chapter, Petunia is jealous of Lily and then it switches round if you get it? Yes I thought that as well. Hm yes the wizard knows Petunia's name. How? Well you'll have to find out!
Thanks again,
HEG


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Review #17, by MargaretLane Sent Home From Hogwarts

13th February 2014:
Hmm, Madame Pomfrey using a telephone. That's interesting. I would have expected her to use Owl Post, but I guess she's concerned as to how the neighbours would react to that. Or that it'd be too slow.

And it makes a lot of sense, sending Lily home if her family can't catch her illness.

Sounds like dragon measles is rather more minor than Muggle-world measles, although Dumbledore did suggest she might need hospitalisation if her condition doesn't improve.

By the way, "unwell" is all one word.

Like the description of lime-green spots.

And *laughs at Dumbledore offering strawberry bonbons*

It would probably sound better if she said "can I have a toasted bagel?" rather than "can I have toasted bagel?"

Interesting beginning and your summary is intriguing. I wonder if Petunia is really a witch.

Author's Response: Hi, thanks for your review.
I thought that I would Madam Pomfrey should use the Telephone in this scene because Mr and Mrs. Evans might get a bit angry if loads of owls went fluttering down there chimney.
It s worse than that - maybe I will include some more of the symptoms.
Glad you like that description, I was thinking of another word for green and I came up with lime from my brother.
haha. Dumbledore is obsessed with Muggle sweets so thought I'd put that.
I think I will need to edit 'unwell' and put the 'a' in 'can I have a toasted bagel?'
I have already written the whole story and I'm NOT telling you what happens. It's a quite an interesting suggestion though so thanks for your theory,
HEG :)


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Review #18, by ThatGryffindorGirl  Sent Home From Hogwarts

13th February 2014:
I really like it. Really cute :)

Author's Response: Thanks for your review! Hope you like the rest,
HEG :)


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