Reading Reviews for Ashes in the Wind
  
6 Reviews Found

Review #1, by bellatrixlestrange123 Prologue

5th June 2014:
Hi there, I'm here with your requested review!

Firstly, I think I might know what's causing your gap problems. It sometimes has to do with the processor you use to write your text before you paste it onto the site. You can try to press the 'paste from word' or 'paste as plain text' at the top of the text box in which you pasta the chapter into. If that doesn't work you should try using the simple editor. This was you can manually create spaces wherever you want of whatever size. The simple editor is more time consuming but worthwhile once you get rid of the pesky gaps :P

(Oh - I have a character called Maeve in my fic too - Yay for Maeve!)

Anyway, on with the review! I've tried to split this up into the sections you mentioned in your 'areas of concern' just so I get all the points covered that you asked for.

Readability: The gaps are just something that all of us have experienced from time to time (technology eh) and they're easily fixed so don't worry too much about them. I found that they didn't jar the readability of the chapter at all so they weren't of much bother. Aside from that, there were a few typos such as a 'he' should have been a 'she' and just other stuff that can again, be easily fixed if you have a BETA look it over for you. There just a few grammar mistakes that can also be easily fixed this way. If you don't want to get a BETA reader, there are hundreds of on-line editing sites just waiting to be found! 'Paper Rater' is a particularly good one as it lists all spelling/grammar/syntax errors of the whole text. Aside from that, you sentence lengths were just the right size and there weren't any sentences that were too long and you had a variety of sentence structures in there too!

Plot devolpment - No complaints here - your writing is effortlessly beautiful and because of this you wrote the plot without flaw as it developed. For the reader, I think that it was clear from the outset that this family were maybe not Maeve's real one and you added to this element with a lot of clarity - well done!

As far as reader interest goes, I cannot wait to find out what happens next!! Who is this mysterious woman? What happened to Maeve? Ah I love it!

Bella :)

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Review #2, by adluvshp Prologue

6th April 2014:
Hello! Here for your requested review from the forums. Apologies for the delay!

This was an interesting chapter. I like your plot of Mae having no memories and how you've focused on it from the first chapter itself. It sets a premise for the rest of the story and creates an intriguing and suspenseful tone which I like. The theme definitely kept me interested and then the way your narrative unfolded also held my interest, so good going there.

Your descriptions are also good, giving brief insight into Mae's mind and slowly revealing to the readers her 'backstory'. I also enjoyed the description of the woman and the ending interaction as it was also presented very mysteriously which I really liked. The CC I'd give you here is to perhaps add in some more description of the setting and the people - not directly but indirectly - of how Mae looks, of how her family looks, how her surroundings appear to be so we can visualise it all. Don't make it to the point that it becomes bland but you can mix it in with her thoughts and the dialogue/narrative. That is only a suggestion as I think it would be a nice touch, especially for a prologue =)

The grammar over all was fine. There were a few small errors here and there, for instance one place where Mae was referred to as "he" instead of "she" but nothing too major. I think you can fix them with a thorough re-read. Besides that, this flowed smoothly and made for an engaging read.

The only other CC, if you can call it that, I'd give you is to adjust the formatting, particularly the spacing of this chapter, as it is too far spaced and provides slight discomfort while reading.

Apart from that, this is all good and I quite like it. Your story seems refreshing and interesting, and I'd like to read more of Mae and how her story unfolds. Good job!

Cheers
AD
(AditiDraco95)

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Review #3, by keyty Chapter 1

29th March 2014:
Hi! Here with your requested review!

I really love this a lot! You have a great voice in your writing. And you do a great job of showing us things instead of relying on dialogue, which I like a lot. Already I can tell this is going to be an interesting story. Even though Mae is having a normal start to her schooling, I can tell her stay at Hogwarts will be far from it. I'm really interested to find out what happened in her past that causes her to feel alienated from her family. I guess that even so, it's good that she has a good relationship with them. Have you seem the film 'The Truman Show'? It's very good. Your story reminds me of it. (If you haven't seen it, it's about a man that as a baby was sold to a tv network. They had this whole reality show based around his life; everyone he knew was actually an actor. He started to feel as if something was off and finally discovered the truth). I feel as if Mae is going to discover her whole life was a lie, which will be quite a shock! Hopefully she takes it well -as well as anyone can take that kind of news, that is. As always I love a good Marauders era, so I'm very excited to read more!

Alright, I only have two CC and they're pretty minor. The first would be that I saw a few typos. I would recommend just one more quick proof read. They weren't too major, but enough for me to notice. The second is probably just a formatting issue. There is a lot of spacing between each paragraph, and I know that if you're using Word that it's probably from the transfer to the site. It is a bit distracting so I would recommend going through and getting rid of the spacing issue :)

Overall I was very pleased with this story. Mae seems like a great OC and I can't wait to see what adventures she goes on! Please come back to re-request!

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Review #4, by TidalDragon Chapter 1

25th March 2014:
Hello again!

I enjoyed the sisterly interaction in this chapter between Maeve and Gwen. I thought it did quite a bit to both contrast them, and to set up their sibling relationship in a believable, amusing way.

You also found time for Maeve and Gwen to meet a potential nemesis and to develop a little of their relationship with their Tommy, which was good.

The formatting stuff was still a bit of an issue and there were a couple typos. I'd also consider how you want to format dialogue. I think by and large what you're doing is within convention, but it's a good and standard practice to separate one character's thoughts on another character's dialogue into two lines (or paragraphs as the case may be). This just helps in terms of keeping the characters distinct (an example of where this would help is when Rebecca speaks and Maeve forms an opinion about her).

The good thing you do with dialogue though is use dialogue tags well. Too often people stay plain and/or formulaic with these and they don't use them to convey tone, emotion, action or posture. You do this well.

I get the sense that both these chapters are largely for build up so I cannot comment too substantively about the plot at this point. It's too early to say that it's moving slowly, though I would encourage you not to include too many more chapters like this one because readers may consider it to be a little sluggish if you do.

Hope the reviews helped! Feel free to PM me if you have any additional questions!

Author's Response: I'm happy the relationships are developing as I'd hoped :) Dialogue formatting is definitely not my strong suit so I am working on getting a beta to help with that. Hopefully it will get better! As you said, these chapters are both building up to the actual plot. The next ones should be more interesting. Thanks again for these helpful reviews, you're awesome! :)

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Review #5, by TidalDragon Prologue

25th March 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by in response to your review request!

So to begin with, you have an interesting concept based on the summary and you scratch the surface of that here. For me, I would like a bit more of Maeve's feelings with it though, and not just as expressed by her. For this concept to work, I need to feel what she is feeling. Here, I think it comes down to word choice and description. Look at places that you want to have a particular tone or emotion associated with them and try to carefully select words that are strong and evocative. When you are describing things, go into more detail the more crucial the moment is. Allow positioning of characters in relation to others to be described to draw attention to them or things about them. For Maeve, a good idea would be to subtly set her apart from her family at important points so that we feel her disconnect along with her. Give us more examples of that disconnect too.

Formatting is also an issue here. I'm not sure if it's what you're using to post or what, but the excessive spacing between paragraphs is distracting.

The best things you have done so far though are to set up some intrigue right from the off with Dorothea and her ominous words and to "show don't tell" about Maeve being drawn to the weather. While you do technically tells us that, you also provide multiple good examples of situations where it has happened, which helps us understand it better.

See you next chapter!

Author's Response: Hello! Thank you so much for your review, it's very helpful. I'm really glad you pointed out the need for more of a disconnect because I didn't even notice it before. About the formatting, I'm so sorry! When I submitted it to the queue it automatically did that and I was trying to figure out how to change it, but I think the might be a glitch somehow. I'm glad you liked the Doreatha interaction and the description :)

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Review #6, by Cannons Prologue

14th February 2014:
Hi, here for our review swap. I thought this was a very mysterious and interesting start. I noticed a small typo 'that he cornered' I very interested to see who this woman is with the strange eye and learn more about Maeve. lovely name by the way. You have some lovely description throughout.

Cannons

Author's Response: Thank you very much for this review; I'm glad you liked the description! Thanks for pointing out the typo, I missed that. I'm glad you're interested in the story so far, at least I'm doing something right :)

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