Reading Reviews for The Debate of Secrecy
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by MargaretLane A Fracturing Committee

17th March 2014:
Major apologies for the delay in getting around to reading this. I have been crazy busy for the last month. Today being our national holiday, I have some time. Results should be up soon though, so keep an eye out. *grins*

I like the way where they choose to sit around the table mirrors the tensions that are emerging.

After "what are you saying?" the "h" in "He tried shrugging off Franklin and Gideon" should be a capital letter.

I like the idea of Hogwarts being built with a minimum of magic.

The sentence "any of these regulations do not fulfill how to pull the wizarding world into secrecy" sounds a bit awkward.

I really like the amount of things that they are considering. It makes sense as the wizarding world can't have been easy to hide.

The fact that dragons can fly could be a problem when it comes to hiding them too. I'm looking forward to seeing how they manage it.

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Review #2, by MargaretLane British Wizardís Council Meeting

29th January 2014:
Love the beginning mention of Muggle history. And I really like the way the wizarding world is being used by the two sides. Can't imagine Cromwell being too fond of magic.

I also like the mention of her having a headache. It just makes her sound more human, somehow. She's so powerful and seems so in control so it's nice to see a sign of vulnerability and a reminder that she's in a very difficult job.

I like the way the names reflect the families we are familiar with and ooh, Brutus Malfoy - the name alone gives me the impression this guy is likely to be treacherous.

And I love the way Dumbledore wants to understand Muggles. Just like how his descendant would react.

I'm getting the impression Malfoy knows something or has something on Elfrida. He sounds as if he's referring to something the others don't know about and that mention of how "she let me stay" makes me wonder.

I can see this committee descending into conflict, given the mixed views of the members.

Honestly, I can't find anything to criticise. This chapter is amazing. It sort of feels right for the period, although I'm probably not the best person to judge, as I'm not very familiar with English history and culture at this time

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

Brutus is going to be a very interesting character. From what I understand he is very anti-Muggle.

I agree, the committee will be very uncompromising, but they will get the regulations out. Not that a number of people will be very pleased about it... :(

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #3, by marauderfan British Wizardís Council Meeting

27th January 2014:
Hello! Here with your requested review.

This story definitely catches my interest! It's rare to find fanfiction set during this time period and I've never read anything about the formation of the statute of secrecy. Its a really interesting time period and I loved seeing obscure canon characters like Elfrida Clagg. It's a really original story idea.

You asked about sections moving too fast or too slowly. The second part, I think, moved a bit slowly , when you included the discussion leading to each name being nominated for the council. It would flow better perhaps to condense this a bit, because right now it reads as a list of ten names with accompanying disagreements. So possibly rather than saying what happened as each person's name was listed, remove a little of that. Otherwise, the flow was good!

I also wanted to comment on one thing near the beginning. Elfrida is having her portrait painted and then all of a sudden is in the council room. Is the rest of the chapter a flashback? If not, you might want to include a bit more of a transition to clear it up.

I hope that CC is helpful to you. This really is a lovely chapter, and I like your attention to detail in the description of the council room. I think with a little bit of editing on that second part, this will be a very strong opening chapter! I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for requesting, and keep up the great work on this story.

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I'll take another look and see how I can condense the second half of the chapter. When I reread it, I could see what you were saying about it being primarily a list of people.

I'll go back and fix the transition between Elfrida getting her portrait painted and going to the meeting. She's having her portrait painted while she's waiting for the meeting to actually begin.

Thank you, yes, the CC is very helpful. :)

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


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Review #4, by MC_HK British Wizardís Council Meeting

27th January 2014:
Hello! Here with your review.

Areas of concern:
-Your story flow seems fine to me. If anything, you have areas where the sentences seem a little short and fragmented but it's really not that big of a deal. (At least, I don't think it is)

-Your characterization was done very well. I think you've really given each character their own unique personality that I enjoy reading.

-For you balance between dialogue and description, I think that you've got a good amount of both, but they don't work well in how you have it set up. You kind of have a block of description and a block of dialogue, with not too much of it meshing together. I suggest going through and kind of trying to sandwich them. I believe this will make the flow that much better.

-The only thing I want to mention is you start a lot of sentences with the same word when they're next to each other. In the beginning, you use "the" for three of four sentence beginnings, and it already seemed very repetitive. This is something to look out for.

Otherwise, I like what you've done with this! Good job!

--Monica

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

I'll go back and fix the sentence lengths as well as checking that I vary the beginning word of the sentence a little better. I saw what you were talking about when I reread the second paragraph.

I've been working on adding a little more description of what's happening with the dialogue.

Thank you very much for reading and reviewing!


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