Reading Reviews for Double-Oh Potter
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by maraudertimes Double-Oh Potter

31st January 2014:
Hiya! Review tag!

This was really cute. I can definitely see James Potter II doing something like that. Your characterization of him was really good and I really liked him, as well as his interactions with his cousins.

The plot was amazing and the way you wrote this was superb as well. Until we found out that Dominique and Professor Ryan were... well, you know, I thought Professor Ryan really was hatching some sort of dastardly devious plan. You had me on the edge of my seat near the end there, so good job! I also really liked the spying nature that James demonstrated.

The one thing that I noticed was that you have inconsistency with your verb tense. For example, in this paragraph, the verb tense fluctuates from present to past quite often:
"For nearly an hour the observer waited, tucked away once more in the shadows. Finally the professor emerged from the room, looked around furtively again and leaves. He's wearing an odd, satisfied smile on his face. Wavering for a moment between looking in the room and following the suspicious man, he finally gave in, sparing the door one last glance and hurrying to keep up with his quarry. Upon arrival at the professor's quarters he rethinks the decision but the clock is chiming curfew and rounds of prefects and professors begins soon so he slinks away, determining he is done only for the night."
Maybe just have a look through of your verb tense?

Other than that, this was really well written and the suspense was definitely there. The little quips about Voldemort and Professor Longbottom really lent an air of reality to the piece and your writing style is sublime.

Great job!
Lo:)

Author's Response: James Potter II is quickly becoming one of my favorite next-gen characters! He's only featured peripherally in my previous stories but he was always so entertaining I just had to give him his own story.
This story was actually inspired by a line in my short-story "Hey Lucy", when Lorcan and Lucy make a comment about James being 'Double-Oh Potter', dashing spy. Just made sense to set it at Hogwarts.

I don't know about amazing but I enjoyed crafting it! ♥ I'm glad you think so though.

Verb tenses. Tenses and I do NOT get along. I have a habit of doing that, thank you for pointing it out. I need to go back and edit this.

Thank you for leaving such a nice review! I appreciate it :)
~Shiloh


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Review #2, by ohmymerlin Double-Oh Potter

26th January 2014:
Hello! I'm here from my review thread!

I have to say this straight away. This one-shot was fantastic! I actually really loved reading it!

Okay so you asked about flow. I think this flowed very well except for a bit of the dialogue. It just pulled me out. Within the quote marks you should end it with a comma if it follows with '(s)he/they said'. I'll use an example from your one-shot:

"Cryptic." Mused Colin Longbottom. "You missed dessert."

This should be: "Cryptic," mused Colin Longbottom. "You missed dessert."

See what I mean? There's a great tutorial thread on the forums that I highly recommend. Dialogue is extremely hard to understand but that thread helped me SO much.

However, I think you did the actual speech well. Like the characters voices and such. It was very believable. Although at times I thought James seemed a little immature but then I remembered he's a 17 year old boy. He's bound to be immature at times :p

Also, I found this phrasing to be a little awkward:

"Oi! Where have you been?" Demanded Lysander. Sander, as they referred to him, was sprawled across his bed on his back, playing with a quaffle.

I feel like ending with Lysander and starting with Sander made it a bit too choppy. Maybe something like this would make it flow easier?

"Oi! Where have you been?" demanded Lysander, or Sander as they referred to him. He was sprawled across his bed on his back, playing with a Quaffle.

Or something similar? But see how it flows that little bit easier?

You said humour wasn't your strongest genre but this felt effortless! If you didn't say that I would have assumed you always write humour. This actually had me laughing out loud and I even nearly banged my head! It's brilliant! So I think you don't need to worry if your humour isn't well done anymore ;)

Your characterisation of James was very good, as I said before. But I also liked Roxy. She seems to have George's cheeky streak! :p Out of curiosity, how old is Roxy?

Also, Dom and Darius were characterised very well! They seemed very believable and Dom's anger was hilarious. It's definitely the way you treat your younger, annoying cousins :p

And it was such a good plot twist to have Darius have a girlfriend and not an evil scheme. I really didn't expect it! I thought he actually was extremely shifty and evil, but no. He's just a normal, everyday guy, haha!

Anyway, this was a wonderful piece! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read it!

Feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I appreciate everything you had for me.
I'm so glad you thought the humor worked. This is only the second humor piece I've ever written. Compared to most things that I post on probably the third draft, this piece went through about three versions before I even got around to editing! It definitely doesn't come as easily for me so I am always unsure about it.

Characterization was probably the easiest part of this for me. But I worry that in my bid for humor I make my characters too ridiculous or silly. So I'm glad you thought it was solid. I have an entire folder on my computer dedicated to the next-gen, birth dates and when they were first years and what their professions are and who they marry. So I have a clear idea in my head of who each character is so their interaction comes more easily.

This takes place Christmas 2022, so Roxy is a fifth year.

I knew from the beginning, when I started writing this, what Ryan was up to. I admit I giggled a bit writing that part, when James discovers exactly what is up.

Thank you for a wonderful review :)
~Shiloh


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Review #3, by Aphoride Double-Oh Potter

24th January 2014:
Hey there - stopping by from the review tag on the forums! :)

So I really loved this! As soon as I saw this on your page, I knew I just had to read it - I adore murder mysteries/mysteries in general, so this is exactly my kind of fic. I was really surprised by the reveal and, well, let's just say what was up with Professor Ryan, but that just makes it even better!

(On another note, I am completely surprised that I'm the first person to review this. Like seriously. I'm assuming everyone else got lost on the way or something because this seriously deserves more reviews...)

I love James' character in this. How he's clever but puts no effort into his schoolwork, but lots when he thinks there's a chance something's in. His tailing Professor Ryan suggests he's both observant and talented and good at tracking and stealth and things... I loved his reaction, as well! It was such a typical teenage boy response, you know? It really fitted him so well, and was so realistic.

In fact, all your characters were great! They were all so realistic and different from each other, with their own characteristics and pretty well developed for a one-shot!

The plot and mystery was so well done! I loved how you didn't end it with the reveal and included the last scene - it was so funny! Your writing as well, is gorgeous. It flows so well and your dialogue is really, really good!

Just a couple of small things! Firstly, in a formatting thing - if you're writing online with a line between each paragraph, like I'm doing in this review, then you don't need an indentation at the beginning of each line ;) It's not that big a deal though, just a technical thing. The other thing is that this sentence gets a bit confusing: "...but the observer was too clever for him. He muttered something..." I know what you mean, but since you've written 'the observer' beforehand, then 'he' refers to 'the observer' not Professor Ryan. I was a bit confused, but worked it out from context, but I thought I'd let you know anyway :)

So yeah, apart from those little things, this was really, really great! I'm so glad I read this - I really enjoyed it! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: This review has absolutely made my day ♥

It's a brand new piece! So hopefully it will be discovered by other soon enough :)
I had SO much fun writing the first draft. Which this version mostly resembles. James is one of my favorite next-gen characters so it was exciting to feature him.

I'm so glad you liked my characters! I've got an entire version in my head of how the next-gen characters turn out and I'm happy that they translate as well developed.

As for formatting, I don't change any of my formatting when I post, so it's whatever was in my processor. I don't think I'll ever take the time to change it :P
And the other bit, about that sentence, I'll probably edit this at some point, I usually read through it a few months after I post and realize I've missed a few things so I'll make note of it and try to fix it.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

xoxo
Shiloh


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