Reading Reviews for An Account of Downfall
  
5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by anissamalfoy Chapter II

21st February 2014:
Hi, I'm here with your requested review :) Firstly, I'm so sorry it took me so long cause I've been really sick. I hope you're okay with that.

Anyways, I recall that you were concern about the general flow. I'd have to agree with that as I found some of your sentences are confusing to read. Like this:

Ozymandias Stroulger had stood in that field, under that magical umbrella, on that day, and despite the weather Oz had been in an exceptionally good mood.

Oz was a wizarding archaeologist, a post-grad, working for the esteemed Professor of Archaeology, Dr. Gulliver Goshawk, at the London Wizardry & Witchcraft University (LWWU).

and this:

He could technically have appeared before them instantly, the Ylve can appear wherever they want, they are not constrained in the same way magical Men are, but it was considered politeness to approach the King on ones own two feet.

There's just something off with that. I think you can smooth them by breaking them into two sentences like this:

"He could technically have appeared before them instantly because the Ylve can appear wherever they want and not constrained in the same way magical Men are. However, it was considered politeness to approach the King on ones own two feet."

Something like that :)

As for Thrandl, I can't say much about his character as it's still second chapter, but I think his character is believable. He's fierce and hot-tempered, whereas his father is calm and collected, which is interesting.

Killing children is an unforgivable act for me so it makes sense if the war started based on that.

I really like your story so far! It's unique from what I've read. And your description, oh wow they're just amazing! I don't think I could give good descriptions like that.

Really great job so far! Once again, sorry for the lateness and feel free to re-request :D

Author's Response: Thank you very much for reviewing, no worries and sorry for being slow with responding (Uni work load suddenly increased dramatically).
Thank you for your advice with helping the flow and thank you for all your comments :) I will go through my chapters asap and try to improve them.


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Review #2, by MC_HK Chapter I

23rd January 2014:
Hello!

Areas of Concern:
-Alright, one of your concerns was general flow, and I agree with you. You have a couple of sentences that are kind of confusing to read. For example: "Ozymandias Stroulger had stood in that field, under that magical umbrella, on that day, and despite the weather Oz had been in an exceptionally good mood." I understand what you're trying to do with your writing, but sometimes simpler is better. It would be much smoother to read if it were: "Ozymandias Strougler, magical umbrella in hand, had stood in that field. Despite the weather, Oz had been in an exceptionally good mood." Just a simple rearranging of words can help immensely in readability and fluidity.

-I see nothing wrong with your character. He has a personality that is showing through, which is what you want. The only thing I suggest is to maybe try and bring it through a little more. What you have now is awesome, but adding that much more could make it perfect.

-It doesn't feel anticlimactic at all! I like it a lot, to be honest!

Some things I found worth mentioning:
-You throw in the word "had" in some areas that I find to be rather unnecessary. Such as, "she had said" after a quote. It's not needed here, and just saying "she said" would work much better and help the fluidity of your story.

-You've got some really good description skills. I mean, they are totally awesome. But I do feel like there are some things not really going into detail about. They're only small things, like the gloves being Dermagrip. That's not really a detail worth mentioning, at least in my opinion. Or even the hipster bit at the beginning I felt like was a bit much, and didn't really add to the story. I like that you mention his coat was on sale though, because that gives the reader a better look into who your character is, rather than telling your reader he thinks he's a hipster. Subtle details, in my opinion, are the best details :)

-I think you've got some good monologue going on with your character, and I urge to play on that strength! I like that some bits like: "A power nap, he liked to tell the other post-grads in the shared office, is vital for the mind!" are in there, and add so much to characterization! More of those details, and you're on your way to perfect characterization.

-I don't really think that you have to point out that there is a Part I and a Part II. A simple horizontal rule would split up the parts just fine :)

Sorry if this review sounded mean! I hope not :( I actually really do like the concept of this, and I really admire what you've done with it. I like the idea of there being a wizarding college and what they do there. This is really a good read, and I applaud you for your creativity! DEFINITELY re-request!

--Monica

PS, do you play Dragon Age? You just mentioned blood magic, and I hope I'm not looking like a fool right now LOL

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review and for the suggested points of improvement, and no worries - you didn't sound mean ;) I wanted someone to let me know how I could improve it - If I'd wanted blind never-ending praise I would have gone to my sibling :p
I will look into the points you made ASAP, thank you very much :)!
And no, Im afraid I don™t know what dragon age is :p I just made up the blood magic thing...

Thank youuu!! :D


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Review #3, by MargaretLane Chapter II

19th January 2014:
I really like that document at the start and the comment that elves were very powerful and expected to be able to beat wizards. It's so different from what we see in canon, but we do get a hint that house elves have powerful magic, so it's DEFINITELY credible. And it gives the lie to those who argue house elves just naturally enjoy serving as this would imply that house elves servility comes from many generations of having been raised in servitude rather than as being an intrinsic characteristic.

I like the different personalities you give father and son. The father seems wise, the son hot-headed.

One thing that's confusing me a little is that the King in the document first describes himself as Volundr IV, then later as Volundr IX.

Uh oh, looks like Thrandl is going to make things worse rather than better.

And I like the way the wizards are attributing similar disasters to elves that Muggles have in various times attributed to witches. It fits with humanity's need to explain things that seem unfair and random.

Yikes, killing children is pretty evil, regardless of provocation. Things are going to get rough now, I dare say.

I like the elvish inheritance here. I like to see variations on eldest son inheritance because it's not like that's always been the situation everywhere. We don't even know how kings were chosen under Brehon Law, but we do know it wasn't necessarily the eldest son. There are records of WHO inherited, just not how they were chosen. So it makes sense non-human cultures wouldn't all follow the system of feudal Europe.

Author's Response: Thank youu :D
It's always seemed so strange to me that house elves serve wizards, because the glimpse we get of them in the books makes it seem like they really do have alot of powers, e.g. they can apparate into Hogwarts, wandless magic and such.

I asked a friend who has studied some history what triggered certain wars and she mentioned, I think, that in WWI the official trigger was some assasination. I think that sometimes people get too caught up in the idea of vengence and take the word 'justice' to mean something along the lines of 'if you kick me I'll kick you'. That's the kind of personality I guess I've based Thrandl off.

Yikes! Thanks for pointing out the Volundr IV/IX mix-up - originally he was going to be Volundr IV but then I wanted his line of King/Queen's to be longer.

I think its so easy to attribute human culture when writing about other species and I wanted to reflect that in the elvish royal lineage without straying too far from generally recognised customs.

Thank you so much for your comments :D I really enjoyed reading them :)


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Review #4, by MargaretLane Chapter I

19th January 2014:
Oooh, 7th century. Having a fascination with Brehon Law, of course I like references to that time.

And I really like the way you've shown Esther not being prepared for an archaeological dig because she's not an archaeologist. It's realistic and giving those kinds of little details makes the whole thing seem more real.

*laughs at the comment that there'd been no serious problems apart from three people ending up in St. Mungo's for an indeterminate length of time* Those seem serious enough to me.

LOVE the comment about wearing Muggle clothes being a hipster thing to do.

Oh wow, I love the names and the spelling of aelf and so on in the document. I'm guessing those are Anglo-Saxon language patterns. I'm not particularly familiar with Anglo-Saxon, but they certainly sound of that ilk.

Author's Response: Your review just made my day :) I've been working on a particularly stress-inducing report so seeing your reviews has made me all happy again :D
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I have a close friend who studied archaeology at uni so I picked her brain :)

Wizards dressing in muggle clothes would totally be wizard-hipsters ;)


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Review #5, by MrsJaydeMalfoy Chapter I

18th January 2014:
Hello, there!!

Wow... what in intriguing first chapter! Right from the get-go you've set up an amazing plot, as well as characters. I'm really curious to see if this WAS the last Elf King, and, if so, I wonder what will come of the discovery of his burial place? I'd also really like to know what the poor elf could have done that was so horrible that he was punished in such a way. Guess I'll just have to keep reading! :)

I think your descriptions were amazing, and I really loved how you incorporated the Latin in, as well. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors, either, so kudos for that, too!

All in all, a great chapter! Well done!

-Jayde
Hufflepuff, 2014

Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing :D I really appreciate it!
I've always wondered how house-elves ended up being bound to wizards in such a strong and unpleasant way - i.e. they have to punish themselves whenever they disobey their 'family' - so I've really enjoyed exploring a potential reason here. I'm glad that I managed to convey my own curiosity :)


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