59 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Ghost of Colin Creevey Jackson's Suspicions

11th September 2015:
Very good. It seems to exactly like Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone(Philosopher's Stone)

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!

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Review #2, by randomwriter Wally

23rd December 2014:
Hello! So having read Chapter One quite some time ago, all I needed to do was skim through it to remember the premise of this story. I will maintain that it is an intriguing note to lay your base on.

Forgive me if this review comes across as short or unhelpful. I'm just trying to get it underway before I nod off to sleep. Also, I will include some CC in the review. Please don't take it as me being too harsh. I just tend to get a little nit-picky, and I am only looking for ways in which your story could be better :)

So as I said, you've set up a pretty good foundation for your story, and you've wasted no time in introducing your characters. That being said, I think it wouldn't hurt to spend a bit more time in giving the readers some details about them. Just knowing who they are, and that they are important to the story doesn't suffice. It's also important to know about the characters personalities, back stories and yes, even their looks, so that we, as readers, can have a better idea about them.

If I may go back to the beginning for a minute, let me start with McGonagall's speech. You gave us a lot of important hints there, but the speech pattern was unlike McGonagall's and it was also a bit hurried in nature. If I were you, I'd start with the general introduction and adopt a more subtle approach alluding to the fact that there lurks something dangerous. Also, I think it would be highly unlikely for McGonagall to give out so much information to the students, and to debase Slytherin so easily. I'd suggest making the hints more subtle and reworking the structure of the speech. Another small (sorry for being nit-picky here) detail is that apparation lessons are for people aged sixteen and over, if I'm not wrong. This was the operational rule during Harry's time.

Moving ahead to the next scene, I really like that you've introduced Peeves here. He's so often forgotten, and I'm so guilty of that myself, but you wrote him so well, even though it was only a brief appearance. I would love to see him come back again :) As for the prefect's welcome, I think you could make it a bit friendlier and more welcoming. The first years are usually a little timid and lost, and it wouldn't hurt to show them that Hogwarts is, indeed, their home. The bit about the passwords was good, and so was the part about steering clear of Filch's way. However, you could have added a bit more about the rules like curfew, etc. Also, you don't get a detention for going late to breakfast. You just don't get food after a while :p and I'm guessing that you'd have to hop down to the kitchens, if you found the time, for a quick bite. I also don't think you should have that part where the prefect says that he can't remember stuff off the top of his mind. He's a prefect for a reason right! :p It's likely that he may have forgotten something, but he'd probably not declare it so openly.

The Common Room was described really well :) I could feel the warmth and glow spreading just from your words, so you've done a lovely job of capturing its feel. But the trophies? Well, for one, there's a trophy room, which I suppose exists to hold trophies. It would be rather redundant if the trophies were kept in the Common Rooms. :p Secondly, the trophy was won by both Harry and Cedric, so it wouldn't belong to just Gryffindor. Thirdly, even if it were to be that room, shouldn't it be behind a glass casing or something? I doubt anyone and everyone passing by would be able to pick it and hold it. Sorry, I know these are minor details, but they could really make your story more polished, and the reader does tend to notice, so I thought it may be worth a mention.
However, you did write that part about Harry well. I understand that he wouldn't want to talk about the tournament and is unlikely to have told his children about it so directly,especially at such a young age.

As for the bit in the dormitories with Wally, the House Elf, I think that Albus was too quick to shout, and that his shouting was unwarranted. I don't understand why he was so concerned all of a sudden and why he never took Wally's words into account. In all that, I almost forgot that Wally's presence on his bed was rather odd. I wonder what he's doing there. Hmm. In addition to that, I don't know if it's likely that Scorpius already knows about the Room of Requirement and has made a trip to it on day one. Seems slightly unbelievable.

Or maybe Scorpius was flying? :p
Also, it's very, very rare that a player gets into the Quidditch team on his first year. So maybe this time, they're both spectators.

Anyway, you've raised a lot of questions in my mind, and I can't help but think that there are a lot of loose ends. No bother though! This is a novel, and I'm sure that all will be cleared up in the end. Good job on Chapter Two! :) I do believe it requires some polishing and editing, but it has got a pretty cool plotline (at one point, I even caught myself wondering if Albus is the villain! :p) Lets see what happens. Keep up the good work :)

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Review #3, by Unicorn_Charm The Sorting

13th December 2014:
Hi there! Here for the Gryffie Gift the Person Above you. :D

I love how you completely switched this around and have Scorpius as the one who is thrown into Gryffindor as opposed to Al put in Slytherin. I don't think I've read a story yet where that happens. I'm definitely intrigued as to how that is going to work out. :)

Al seems very sweet. Shy, quiet and a little embarrassed by his father being so famous. It's exactly how I would have pictured him. I loved how the Sorting Hat told him that was exactly what his father did haha.

I feel this Tom - nice name choice, by the way ;) - is going to end up giving Al some problems down the line. I don't think he'll have to worry about Scorpius, as he's afraid he might. From the little that we've seen, I don't get a bad vibe from him.

Rose is my favorite Next-Gen character, so I can't wait to see her introduced into the story. :D

This was a good opening chapter. It definitely piqued my interest and has be wanting to read more. I'll definitely be back to continue on! ♥

xoxo Meg

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Review #4, by oldershouldknowbetter The Sorting

7th December 2014:
OK,we have a pretty solid start to the story. The typical sort of sorting ceremony well done and good parallels to the original sorting of his father.

I liked Rose's thoughts and from the little bit we see into her mind we can divine a great deal - a calm and steady nature but yet a true Gryffindor. From the sorting we do not get so clear of a picture of Albus' character. We have to wait to see more of what he's like from his conversations at the dinner table.

We have one little insight when he tries to be nice to his old 'friend'. From the reaction of Thomas and Albus' thoughts about him, I think we have found one of the main antagonists of the tale - time will tell, but spite and thwarted ambition can make for a strong enmity.

Instead Albus turns to his dinner companion, a timid boy with ice-blond hair and a pointy chin ... wait a sec, Malfoy in Gryffindor! OK, the plot thickens. I like the way you have Scorpius not being terribly arrogant or over-confident having him being worried about his reception - especially now that he's sitting at the Gryffindor table.

I have to agree with Ohmymerlin in her review who said that Rose should be sitting next to the two of them. It would be good to have her witness their first interaction. Although, if you are writing a trio with Albus, Scorpius and Rose like the trio of their famous parents - Hermione didn't join the two boys till a fair while later. This could work if you let the boys become friends before Rose joins because she is already friends with Albus and she wouldn't interfere with the burgeoning friendship too soon.

Interested to read more.

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Review #5, by greenbubble The Sorting

20th June 2014:
Oh, I love this! Can't wait to read onwards

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Review #6, by Lostmyheart Back To School

8th June 2014:
Hi there!

I'm here for your requested review. If I understood it correctly, you wanted to me review your sixteenth chapter.

Now that I haven't read the previous chapters, I'm mainly going to focus on the flow of the chapter - it can be a little difficult with the plot as I only read this chapter and not the story from the beginning.

First things first, which you probably already know, is that there are big gaps between the lines which kind of ruins the story flow. I've had those problems too, where you post the chapter all fine and pretty, then when it's validated there are these huge gaps that wasn't there to begin with.
I've switched to the simple editor instead of the advanced. It really helps a lot and everything stays where you want them to be.

As this is the sixteenth chapter, I'm a bit clueless about what's going on - but my guess is that they're going back to Hogwarts after Christmas - that would explain how they could be best friends with a muggleborn. But it still confuses me that they can call each other best friends and he didn't know Albus and Rose were cousins, and who their father's were.
And I highly doubt Harry would have a favorite son - since he experienced how cruel it is to favorite a child from growing up with the Dursley's. So I think he'd avoid that at all costs - even if it's secret.

But I think the story seems interesting, and the four sectors sounds like a different kind of sorting system? I'm not sure. Just guessing :)

I hope this review was useful, even though I didn't really have a clue about what was going on. Feel free to re-request for another chapter or story!

- Avi

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Review #7, by TidalDragon Back To School

29th May 2014:
Hello again! Here filling your re-request!

Versus the previous chapters, I thought this one was not quite as strong. In terms of descriptions, you did a solid job with most of them, particularly the settings or conditions and even the brief action in James (II) and Albus's fight. What weakened them however was dialogue's dominance in the chapter. Because description was so minimal in terms of frequency as compared to dialogue, some of the good things you did with it were easy to lose amidst all the talking. Some of this could be alleviated in the Hogwarts Express scene by not forcing all three characters to speak in succession. Think of real group conversations. Sometimes only two people are speaking frequently while others wait and chime in at appropriate points. Then others might pick up and do the heavy lifting. It's an ebb and flow even in a group and everyone doesn't have to be involved at each step of the way.

Overall, I also thought the outcome of the fight between James (II) and Albus and Harry and Ginny's reactions were a bit off. The outcome (with Albus possibly almost dying) seemed over the top. Harry and Ginny seemed to nonchalant about it IMO.

Going forward I'd focus on rediscovering some of the balance you had been finding in the immediately previous chapters. That will make your descriptions stand out more and get the attention they deserve.

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Review #8, by Hats For House Elves Flying Home for Christmas

29th May 2014:
Okay. So I'm going to go ahead with your requested review.

You seem to have a fairly long fairly extensive plot mapped out including a lot of interesting factors. I haven't read the rest of the story so if there are questions answered in previous chapters bare with me. Before i tackle plot questions there are a few things that jumped out at me.

1.the constantly switching perspective disrupts the flow.

If you are writing in Albus's perspective you can only include what Albus knows, sees hears and feels. Instead of writing that Rose felt a shiver down her spine, write that Al saw her shiver or felt her shiver. Don't write one paragraph from one person's perspective then the next from another. Give the reader time to settle into a character's perspective.

2. Be Aware of what everyone knows.

This includes both characters and the reader. Characters don't know everything the reader does. Sometimes a character will know more sometimes the reader will have jumped to a conclusion faster than the character. Most importantly a character's action is always controlled by what they know to be true. Your description of a scene allows you, the all knowing author to indirectly point out things you want the reader to be aware of.
This chater feels like you're an over excited puppy. Look at this Oh wait look at that... my tail o. Squirrel.

3. Questions about the plot.

They are 11 year old kids in a suddenly empty school. They are going to panic. They are going to check every office and every dormitory. Everywhere from the astronomy tower to Hagrid's hut! Only then are they going to consider asking for help. In this chapter they find out no one is at Hogwarts except them, then just fly home because they want to be a home for christmas. I could understand them going home for help because they couldn't wait for a letter they couldn't use the floo network and they have no other option and no one else to turn to but they don't.

Albus and Rose arrive on Harry's doorstep and they don't even bat an eyelid. Its just 'welcome home son have a present.' Surely if Harry finds out something is wrong at hogwarts he is going to go into saving people mode. Call in an auror squad and find out whats going on.

You have an interesting plot with a lot of exciting possibilities and mystery but the characters aren't acting as I'd expect for the situations they're in. Take more time to link one scene with another.

I hope this helps and I hope it hasn't come off harsh.

Keep writing.


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Review #9, by Karou_Marauder Doubt

28th May 2014:
Wow... This is getting dark! "Maybe there were some people in the world who were better off dead." I'm pretty sure Harry wouldn't want his son thinking like that!

The Four Sectors/FMRW is a great plot line. (I was about to say 'idea' but I don't think the Ministry are on the right track with this!) It's really creepy how that person knew Albus would be chosen - and how did they get the paper into the Chocolate Frog?!!

There are a few things that just seemed a little off to me:

"However, all was not as it seemed." Maybe "that wasn't all he tasted, though," or adding " - there was something in the chocolate" on the end would make it link more.

"Chatting overwhelmed Albus as he walked" I had to read this a few times over.

Other than that, just a few typos to clear up and it's all good! You've set up an interesting premise here. (Also, I love how Rose is annoyed by Albus wanting to ask James instead of follow her advice!)


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Review #10, by randomwriter The Sorting

26th May 2014:
Hello Missy! :) I'm here for our review swap.

I found the set up rather interesting. I think you did a really good job of portraying how worried Al really was about the sorting. We see that in the epilogue, but you've extended it really nicely :) The questions he asks, regarding whether he'd fitting, what his father would say, how much James would tease him are all believable lines of thought given his frame of mind and age. Harry tells him openly that he would accept him gladly even if he was in Slytherin, in the epilogue, but I still feel that it is natural for him to have such thoughts.

The first thing that really caught my attention was the title. I really think you have a knack for coming up with them. I always get drawn in after reading them. This was no less. Albus Potter and the SAPPHIRE of SLYTHERIN? Really? Wow. I want to know what this is immediately! Your summary is also intriguing. It has certainly peaked my interest.

I also thought that you gave the readers a good deal of info, but kept just enough away to keep them interested. A little bit more detail wouldn't hurt though. :p I'm curious about this Thomas Malone character. I'm not entirely sure if I like/trust him yet.

I like the premise of this story and I would love to find out what happens ahead. But I do have some CC for now. I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh. I'm a stickler for canon and I can be very nitpicky at times :p
I noticed some factual inconsistencies in your story. I'll list a few of them out.
- The sorting, I THINK, is usually done my the deputy headmaster/headmistress :p
- The Sorting is always carried out in alphabetical order. I think you jumped far too quickly to Albus Potter.
-During the sorting they always read out last names first. So it's be 'Potter, Albus', not 'Albus Potter' :)
-Draco Malfoy had not grown to love or form a friendship with Harry Potter during the time of the epilogue. They were merely cordial.
-The feast is not an annual feast, but an opening feast :)
- The Sorting Hat is a title, so capitalise even the 'The'.

Apart from this, I found that there were a lot of typos and punctuation errors in your story. The problem with this is that they distract the readers and obstruct the flow. I suggest a thorough re-read to siphon out these mistakes. It will make it easier for the reader to read your story :) (Some examples- tragedy, not tradgedy; headmistress not headmisetress; which, not wich; delaying not deleyin, be in, not bein etc) Another example of spelling and punctuation- She placed the tatty black leather sorting hat wich Harry Potter had once worn so many years back on his head. This should read- She placed the tatty, black leather Sorting Hat, which Harry Potter had once worn, on his head.
There are a few more typos that need to be corrected.

Also, I believe that Albus will be quite easy to recognise. I think the wizarding world will be quite familiar with the Potter and Weasley clan. Granted that there are far too many Weasleys, but I think that they'd be able to recognise the children of the trio quite easily. Their family status is clear in the epilogue when they get a fair bit of attention.

I also thought that the flow was a little bit choppy. It just seemed to jump too quickly and it was a little rushed. I think you can fix the problem by adding in details about things like the surroundings and the people he saw around him etc. A better option would be to delve deeper into his emotions. It is his first day and the sorting ceremony can be quite stressful, so what is he going through through each stage? What are his emotions and thoughts. Elaborate on these every time something happens. Also, I felt like you jumped through things rather quickly. I;m not saying that you need to throw in a hundred names for the sorting. Instead you could perhaps discuss how his thoughts were otherwise occupies before his name was called out? basically, you can enhance the flow by adding in more details and slowing things down a little. I feel like you're jumping thoughts, scenes and events pretty quickly.

Also, I felt as if Rose and Albus would stick together. Or at least there'd be some mention of her again. Ina situation where you're in an unfamiliar environment, I believe that the natural tendency is to stick to what you know and are comfortable with, which in this case would be Rose or one of his cousins. Of course he can make new friends, but I feel as if you should include an element of familiarity in there along with that.

Apart from this, personally, I had some trouble following some of your sentences because they were worded awkwardly. A quick read through should help you because you will be able to discern what sounds off, and what sounds right. Getting a beta could help you smoothen this out, as well correct the typos and punctuation errors. Just a suggestion! :)

All this aside, I love how you're setting this up and I'm curious to see where this goes. Oh, and I loved how you wrote Albus' sorting in the same way as Harry's. That was a great touch and it shows that The Sorting Hat still respects your true inner evaluation of yourself. Great work including that detail. I think it made the sorting more enjoyable.

An entertaining read for sure! :)

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Review #11, by toomanycurls The Sorting

25th May 2014:
Hello! Thanks for doing a review swap.

You do a good job depicting how stressful sorting can be for students. Your portrayal of Albus' worry about being in the right house was well done. I did think it was an interesting twist to have James in Slytherin. I quite like the idea of Scorpius being Gryffindor too - it's a nice change as to how he's usually sorted in stories.

There are a few things plot wise that stood out. If McGonagall has just been made Headmistress, who was it before? It's some 19 years after Snape vacated the position - I would imagine she had been the headmistress for the entire time. Also, I thought the duty to roll call first years fell to the deputy headmaster/headmistress - wouldn't it pass on once she got the top job?

I quite like how Scorpius and Al are forming a fast relationship. I like that you've shown that the Potters are in the news often enough for Albus to know how to deflect annoying "in the newspaper" comments from people.

I'd love to read on if you end up doing another swap sometime!


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Review #12, by TidalDragon Flying Home for Christmas

23rd May 2014:
Hello again! Dropping by to fill your re-request!

So the first thing that jumped out me was a minor formatting thing. I'm not sure if you posted from an alternate device, like a tablet or something, but the spacing between paragraphs really leapt up. It's not a huge deal, but it just makes it a bit more difficult to read.

On to the actual story! I definitely liked the fact that you incorporated a lot more description in this chapter and some internal thought as well. It bulked up the chapter in terms of content and made it feel more balanced than previous ones. I still think it was fairly dialogue heavy, especially in the second half or so, but you're on the right track there.

As far as word choice, I thought the added descriptions were largely beneficial and solid, but there were some that came across a bit unwieldy. For example: "When they drew nearer to the Great Hall, they heard laughing. Small children laughing high pitched false laughs. And then crying. In a flash, the laughs switched to cries." In this segment I would ask myself (with respect to the first two sentences) why have I divided this description of the laughter into two short sentences? Is there a purpose to creating a short-lived staccato rhythm here or would it sound more pleasant to fuse the two somehow? With respect to the second two sentences, they seem either redundant or in the wrong order. It just struck me as a bit odd that you would mention crying before mentioning the quick transition from laughter to crying. I think you could probably do with deleting the first sentence and leave the second, perhaps bulking it up with a bit more about how the cries sounded like you did with the laughter and even a comparison or contrast with that sound.

Then we reach this: "When Rose and Albus cautiously pushed open the heavy doors they found what they had not expected." The language just seems a bit unnatural - perhaps "what they found was far from what they expected" or if that's too far then "they didn't find what they expected". Shrug. Sometimes simpler is better.

Those are the main things that jumped out at me in this chapter. Keep on keeping on!

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Review #13, by UnluckyStar57 The Dark Cloud

22nd May 2014:
Hi! I'm here with your requested review. :)

Okay, so the last chapter that you asked me to review was Chapter 1, so I went ahead and read the other chapters before this one so that I would have some idea of what was going on.

A general commentary: I noticed a lot of spelling errors--for instance, "Scorpius" was spelled "Scorpious" in the previous chapters. For the most part, grammar was excellent. The thing that confused me the most was transition.

Let me explain: The transitions between Hogwarts and the Riddle House and between classes were a bit confusing. At one point, I was puzzled because I thought it was the first day of classes and the first years were learning about Polyjuice Potion already! (That's pretty advanced stuff for ickle firsties!) I would recommend going through the chapters and clearing up the transition times a little bit. It will add more color and setting to the story, and it will be less confusing. :)

The other thing that I noticed throughout the chapters were that most of the professors were so MEAN!! It shocked me, because while there have been some pretty snarky Hogwarts professors in the HP books, they are never outright threatening to a whole class of people. (Quirrel and Snape got pretty threatening to Harry, but even that happened when few people were around.) Why are they all so awful to the students? Are they part of this Sapphire of Slytherin plot?

Also, is the Sapphire of Slytherin somehow connected to the Four Sectors? If so, how? I feel like the chapter when Cho isolated Albus and "killed" him was not resolved--because that wasn't the Sapphire, was it? Will Albus find the Sapphire in Vesuvius (if he ends up going)?

One more general question, and then I'll get to this chapter: Could you explain the Four Sectors thing to me again? I gathered that it involved four people chosen from ten magical schools, but that could be totally wrong. Let me know!

Okay, now on to this chapter!

It interests me that Albus was able to hear Rose's scream in Gryffindor Tower all the way from the Hospital Wing. If I'm not mistaken, the Hospital Wing is on the fourth floor, so that's a lot of brick and stone between it and the Tower. Rose must have screamed REALLY loud!! D: I wonder what that shadow thing was... Will it make another appearance?

Hmmm... The mysterious note was... Mysterious. If Albus climbs Vesuvius, he won't be chosen for the Four Sectors? Who has the authority to make a deal like this with him? Why does he get special treatment? Also, is he still a first year in this chapter? Does he even know enough magic to survive the tournament?!

I thought Albus was kind of rude to Rose when she told him that she wouldn't go to Vesuvius with him. She was just being sensible and trying to talk him out of a bad idea. :/

The flashback almost confused me before I realized it was a flashback. But never fear--I got over my confusion!! The thing is, in the first chapter, James and Albus were in the same year. In the flashback, James is a first year and Albus is not in school at Hogwarts yet.

But is James a first year in the flashback? I was confused about that because he said he was being scouted for the British Quidditch Team. Would that make him older than a first year? Would it be more accurate to assume that he's a seventh year trying to get scouted for Quidditch? (Sorry for all of these questions--I mean well!)

It was strange to me that James shouted, "POTTER?!" to Albus. After all, they have the same last name and Albus is probably the only guy with that name in the area. :)

I'm glad Albus saw sense in the end when he decided not to go to Vesuvius--that's a long trek for an eleven-year-old to make!! I wonder how he'll do in the Four Sectors...

How was the flashback connected to Albus' decision not to go to Vesuvius? I wasn't quite sure about how it would make him change his mind.

This was a really intriguing chapter! I'm wondering what will happen next...

Sorry for all of the pedantic questions and things like that, but I'm honestly interested in all of the things! Thanks for your patience in reading this review. :)


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Review #14, by TidalDragon The Dark Cloud

20th May 2014:

So for this chapter I thought each scene flowed fairly well within itself. The flashback to James however, was quite abrupt and without warning. While that can work well on occasion, here I was unclear about the reason for it being so sharp, rather than a telegraphed transition.

In the overall scheme of things, the plot of this chapter felt a bit convoluted. The idea of a mysterious letter is a good one, but I'd tweak the content. While I am assuming the page referred to is something that has come up in your story before, the quest that would purportedly get him out of competing in the Four Sectors does not seem particularly reasonable - so much so that I don't think it would normally have given even a student like Albus pause to consider it as a serious decision.

The dark fog was a rather creepy element you injected and given the timing of its coming and going I'm certainly left wondering and a little intrigued about its origins and characteristics - so well done of that bit.

In terms of the overall - I'd work on focusing a bit more on descriptions and inner thoughts. While you clearly have a firm vision of letting action and dialogue drive your story (a vision which can work very well) there does need to be greater balance (in my opinion) and you can achieve that by bulking up those other areas. I'd also look at word choice in particular. I mentioned dialogue in the previous chapter, but throughout your story you want to be using strong, evocative language that really puts a reader in the setting or frame of mind you want them to be in. Note that strong, evocative language does not mean flowery, showy, or require you to avoid a minimalist approach to writing - it just means making higher impact word choices in critical moments and when setting the scene. That can do any story, written in any author's style worlds of good.

I hope you've found the reviews helpful, and of course feel free to PM with any additional questions! Best of luck!

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Review #15, by TidalDragon The Four Sectors

20th May 2014:
Hi there!

As I suspected, Albus was NOT dead. But you have introduced an intriguing idea with this Four Sectors business. It's seems rather draconian to me coming from an allegedly "new and improved" Ministry (which Harry and Hermione should by now be a rather important part of given the Next Gen timeline as we know it), but I'm not sure how you've developed the Ministry earlier, so maybe this kind of thing makes perfect sense for it. I will say that regardless, it rings a little Hunger Games-esque for me - the potential for children getting killed to force society to remember something horrific - but to each their own.

I thought the flow to this chapter though was much better. You took more time to patiently develop the plot points you wanted to put out there and it also left you latitude for important character development (like the bit at the end with Rose). I think that section could stand to be a bit less of a sudden epiphany, but overall it was good that you injected more of that into the story than I saw in the previous two chapters.

One thing I would take great care with those is the dialogue. Here, the characters' speech patterns and language just did not seem differentiable enough to me. A lot of the sentences spoken by McGonagall could have been uttered equally by Rose. Madame Pomfrey was not nearly as well-spoken as I think someone in her position would be either - just some thoughts.

See you in the final chapter (so far)!

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Review #16, by TidalDragon Sapphire of Slytherin

20th May 2014:
Swooping in again!

So this chapter, in terms of flow, felt very rushed. I thought it was fine that you kept it focused on a crucial confrontation between Albus and Cho, but you didn't take time to drag out their thoughts and really get us inside the game of cat and mouse being played. While that weakened the confrontation itself, it also made it seem like Albus caved too easily to someone who (in your story) is clearly a dangerous individual.

It also felt abrupt when comparing the paragraph from Cho's POV to the final paragraph. Again it seemed like you would've benefited from much more build-up to the Sapphire moment.

While I don't know how Cho has been developed throughout the rest of the story (though obviously she's appeared before), I did like the idea of a Dark Cho. She's a relatively unexplored character who would have all manner of reasons for becoming bitter at life, and if her mind got twisted a bit by war, at Harry and his family as well. I'd just make sure you develop those reasons strongly throughout the story if she's critical so that it presents as well as possible.

Carrying onward...

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Review #17, by TidalDragon The Security Guard

20th May 2014:
Hello again! Dropping by to respond to your review request!

So, it's a bit different dropping in on the middle of a story, so I'll probably reserve plot and characterization comments to the end.

Starting with flow though, I think it moved fine from scene to scene. It was a wise choice to incorporate the breaks as you did to avoid the shifts feeling too jarring in such a short chapter.

From line to line, I'll confess it read a bit sharp to me. One of the things you could do to avoid this is bulk up descriptions a bit - for example, when you talk about the conditions and appearance of Hogsmeade, go the extra mile and puff it up a bit more with some internal thoughts by the character you're focusing on or more detailed observations as opposed to staying big picture.

I don't know if you've done this already earlier in the story, but I did like your decision to confront a bit of the Lucius-Draco-Scorpius relationship. I think it's very fitting that there would be tension there (particularly that might come out over the holidays - as family strife so often does) so well-played.

The only other thing that particularly leapt out in this chapter were some spelling errors in names ("Scorpious" should be "Scorpius" and "McGonnagal" should be "McGonagall".

See you next chapter!

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Review #18, by lindslo2012 The Dark Cloud

20th May 2014:
Hello there!
Here for your requested review!
So I think that your story is really great and that it contains alot of mystery which is very cool.
I feel bad for Albus because he is in such a very intense situation.
By the way you told me to review Ch. 14 so I hope that's what you meant to type because I'm reviewing it. :)
From the beginning of your review I could tell that you are very good at writing detail. it was also hooking because I want to know what happens next!
I would have to say my favorite part is when Rose tried talking to Albus- she seems like such a good cousin and I would like to have her as a friend.
I was a bit confused what was going on when he entered James' room but then I realized what he was doing. I can't wait to find out what happens in the future and what happens with Albus. I hope that he gets some help with everything that is going on. :(
I hope that Albus will figure this out soon.
I hope you come by and re-request because I want to know what happens!
Good job writing a fabulous story!
Until next time,

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Review #19, by Karou_Marauder The Four Sectors

13th May 2014:
Oh, that's awful! Surely all the parents would take their children out of school if they knew about the Four Sectors? Ugh. I think the Ministry has gotten worse. (I mean, I totally agree that people need to remember those who died, but...really?) (This is a great plot line. I'm just getting annoyed with your Minister is all.)

Yay, Albus isn't dead! I hope he doesn't get chosen, although that does seem likely. And for goodness sake, Rose, they're your cousins. Of course they'll let you build a snowman with them! (Unlike Elsa...ahem.)

I did notice "Not for another at least" said Madam Pomfrey firmly" - you need to put the length of time in there.

Excited that this is up! (And assuming that this is being continued in place of Lost Riddle.)


Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a great review! I really enjoyed reading it.

Oh I know. Another supporter. I've always hated the Ministry but I love reading and writing about it. The Four Sectors sound awful doesn't it? I'm looking forwards to seeing how you react to the little bit of information in chapter 14 :D.

Haha! Rose was a bit OTT on that secne. I wouldn't let Albus die. There's no need to worry about that. Or is there...?

I'll have to correct that mistake.

Thanks again for reviewing (and yes, I'm starting afresh in a series and making them into novels rather than novellas :))


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Review #20, by HP4EVA The Sorting

8th May 2014:
Hey! I was scrolloing thorugh the Albus Potters and this caught my eye!

So far, this story is pretty decent. There are a few things that may need work on though. I like how you've portaryed Albus's feelings of nerves and anxiety. Although this chapter is short (too short in my opinion) I think you've packed in his emotions very very well so good job :) I also like your dialogue although there is maybe too much and maybe you could include more of their appearences and actions. For example when you described Scorpius, you just said that he had ice blond hair and a pointy chin. Rather than that you could go deeper down like what emotions were on his face. You need to SHOW the reader how and what the characters are feeling, not tell them: that's the tip :). Also I still feel you could have put in more background information, you're just telling us the basics - I want more than that, I want to know so much more than you've given me! I think if you want to be able to do that, then what you have to do is picture the exact secne in your head and write it. That's the best tip that I can give you. Other than that, I think that you have an amazing plot idea in your hands right now and you could well be on your way to writing a winner. I really look forwards to seeing you progress.


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Review #21, by Karou_Marauder Sapphire of Slytherin

5th April 2014:
Well. That was definitely unexpected! How did Rose and Hugo get there so quickly? Great ending!


Author's Response: Aha! Seceret! Thank you for reviewing,

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Review #22, by Karou_Marauder Wally

4th April 2014:
Hi there! I thought I'd come over and check your story out after you left me all those lovely reviews :)

I noticed a few spelling mistakes, nothing that can't be fixed with a read-over.

Wouldn't those trophies be in the Trophy Room? I guess Gryffindor would want to keep their achievements in one place, but if they don't put trophies in the Trophy Room it kinda has no purpose :P Maybe you could have a special Gryffindor section within the Trophy Room?

Haha, I wondered if there would be a house-elf appearance. I think Albus was a bit quick to shout - Wally said he didn't know and Albus would probably drop it there and say, 'Why are you sitting on my bed?' or something like that.

(These are all just my opinions and suggestions by the way, I think your story is fine as it is!)

I'll be keeping up with this *adds to reading list*


Author's Response: Hello! Cool!

Oh, Spelling mistakes, I probably just missed keys when I was typing. Sorry about that. :D. The trophies? I never thought about that, I thought that maybe because Gryffindor were proud of Harry, they's keep them in the commoun roon so everyone could look at them. When Albus started shouting at Wally, I thought maybe he would just get annoyed easily because he was already bothered about Scorpius and where he had gone off tooo. No problem! I love a bit of constructive critisism and I'm always editing bits here and there on that story because its completed. I look forwards to hearing from you again!

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Review #23, by UnluckyStar57 The Sorting

30th March 2014:
Hello! I'm finally here to review you! :)

Okay, so this seems like an interesting story. We get Albus' perspective of his Sorting, which isn't too odd, but then his brother, James, is also Sorted!! This is curious to me because in HP canon, James is older than Albus--in the DH epilogue, he's already been Sorted into Gryffindor while Albus is getting ready to board the Hogwarts Express for the very first time. So I'm curious to know your reasons for this! Why is James a Slytherin, and why is he the same age as Albus?

One thing that I noticed is that there are quite a few typos in this chapter. You misspelled "McGonagall" and "Headmistress," and a few others, like "Slytherin" and "interrupted." I'm sure that those were just oversights--I do it all the time! However, I would recommend that you go back over this chapter and fix those things. It really clears up the story so that the reader can focus on the storyline, rather than trying to figure out what a word is supposed to be.

Also, the capitalization is a bit off sometimes. The Sorting Hat is actually a title, so that gets to be capitalized. Just go through and try to find those places. However, capitalization was pretty good overall. :)

This is a really interesting first chapter!


Author's Response: Hiya :D than you!
This was my first story so I could guess that I would expect quite a few major mistakes. Including the one with James and Albus in the same year. I had only just finished reading the HP (literally a day after) books so I didn't know a lot at the time. And the grammar mistakes... I don't really have an excuse for them.

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Review #24, by Sado Quidditch Trials

23rd March 2014:
I really like the chapter, especially the deal (you captured Harry's character there) One question: Is Florence Lovegood a relative of Luna's or did you just make it up? I am curious about the Riddle House. Is it the House of Gaunt or am I mistaken??? Great Chapter))


Author's Response: Hi again! I'm glad you liked it :)
Florence Lovegood is and OC and Riddle House is the house Voldemort used to live in, I think it was in The Goblet of Fire book :)
Thank you so much

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Review #25, by Sado Parseltongue

23rd March 2014:
I. Do. Not. Like. Slano! She. Is. Mean. Does Albus really speak Parseltongue??? I can't wait to find out! Fabulous Chapter, by the way (who would ever doubt that?)


Author's Response: Slano.Is. Mean.
Yes in the books that I am writing, Albus does actually speak Parseltongue. Thank you so so so much!

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