Reading Reviews for A Blossoming Romance
  
13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by newgenerationlover Wedding Planning, Lies And Spending Way Too Much Time With Potter

9th April 2014:
Love it! Can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Hi!

Thank you so much, I'm glad you love it. Thanks for reading and reviewing, it means a lot. *hugs*

-Potterfan310 x


 Report Review

Review #2, by ohmymerlin Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

12th March 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I've finally caught up - YAY!

Ooh! Al and Lyss are slowly progressing through a relationship - how sweet! However, I did notice a few errors that pulled me out of the story slightly. They're nothing major, but it just distracted me from the plot because I was focusing on the errors instead.

"Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint, "That's two-ninety." I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

This should be: "Sure," I replied as I grabbed a glass and pulled him a pint. "That's two-ninety," I told him as he dug around in his pocket before handing over the muggle money.

The first part of that sentence is right, but after the word pint should be a full-stop and not a comma, and after the word ninety it should be a comma instead of a full stop.

Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar, "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

This should be: Opening the till I put the money in and headed down the bar. "You okay?" I asked making him look up.

Again, there should be a full stop instead of a comma. If you have the speaking verb (oh god this is terrible wording, it's so ironic I apologise) after the actual dialogue, then you won't need a comma before the dialogue. And if the words before the dialogue aren't speaking verbs - as I put it so badly previously - then you don't need to put a comma before the dialogue.

I don't know if that makes any sense, my brain isn't doing great today!

I nodded sympathetically, "I know how you feel mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

This should be: I nodded sympathetically. "I know how you feel. Mum just won't give up on trying to find me a boyfriend. She keeps trying to set me up again with Awful Terry, you know the creep you saved me from last month."

I changed the comma to a full stop, and I added a full stop after the word feel. You could add one of these bad boys ; in if you'd prefer that instead but it works either way. It makes it flow a lot better. I find that if you actually say the dialogue out loud, or even the whole story, it helps smooth out the tiny errors.

Albus nodded as he held his glass up, "Here's to mother's who just won't listen," Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

This should be: Albus nodded as he held his glass up. "Here's to mothers who just won't listen." Realising I didn't have a glass to clink he said, "Let me buy you a drink, Lyss."

I changed the comma again, and I also got rid of the apostrophe in mothers. It would have needed an apostrophe if you followed with an item of the mother. E.g. "Don't touch my mother's glass of wine, she may hex you." but when generalising mothers, you don't need an apostrophe :)

Well he said he'd like another date if your up for it.

You've just typed the wrong 'you're' in this sentence :)

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," Lorcan laughed as did Chloe, "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning." Lorcan laughed as did Chloe. "Any funny business and he's out that window before you can say 'Weasley's Wizard Wheezes'."

I just put full stops before and after the 'Lorcan laughed as did Chloe' (you might want to change that a bit too, maybe try 'Lorcan and Chloe both laughed/Lorcan laughed at the same time as Chloe - it makes it flow a bit better) as having the 'Lorcan laughed' implies that Lorcan said that bit of the dialogue, not Lyss. But if Lyss laughed and you wrote it as:

"Yeah it's me and Newt boy needs to be out of here by morning," I laughed

then that would be correct! I think. I tend not to do it but so many authors do it, I think it's honestly just a matter of personal preference :)

Okay, so I noticed you tend to make quite a few of the same mistakes. A comma only needs to be placed within the speech if it's followed by 'he/she/they said' (and other synonyms for said). It ends with a full stop if it isn't followed by a 'he/she/they said'.

And a comma should only be at the start if the start is 'he/she/they said'. If that doesn't make sense, let me give you an example:

Ted said, "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Ted was struggling to move the table. "Can you help me moving this table? It's heavy."

Do you see the difference? It's not even that big of a deal but I'm really weird about my commas and punctuation, I really love it and I get really nit-picky about it, haha!

Okay, so the plot! The plot seems to be progressing really nicely! Why did Lyss freak out though? She should have just kept going at it and then she could have a super sexy boyfriend!

Characterisation: I think you're doing great on characterisation! I haven't had any issues with that so far, you're definitely good at that!

Al still seems like an enigma. I'm really curious as to what's going under that noggin. He just seems super private and/or quiet, and I really just want him to open up more!

Anywho, this was a wonderful chapter, Sophie! I'm really enjoying reading this story!

This story is super intriguing and I can't wait until the next chapter comes along! I just need to know what's going to happen with Albus and Alyssa!

That's another thing you're awesome at! You have this knack for getting people to come back to your stories. I don't know how you do it but I keep checking your stories to see if any of them have updated (yes, I read a lot of your stories but I suck and never review but I'm planning on changing that ASAP!)

Anywho, feel free to request again!

- Kayla :)

(And congrats, I think this is the longest review I've ever written - YAY! :p)

Author's Response: Kayla!

I've finally gotten around to answering.

Al and Alyssa action, yes!

I've gotten around to sorting these out on my draft, so I just need to edit on here.

I have to say you've probably taught me more than my English teacher(s) ever did :p Career choice for you there! Haha. I've certainly picked up on things and now I'm trying to edit my other stories as well with my new found wisdom, thanks to you :D So massive thanks *hugs*

Yep, the difference is newly noted and will become my new rule when writing. Nit-picky is great!

Ha! She totally should have, but Lyss thinks it's ever so weird that there is kissing involved between them considering they used to play together as children and grew up together. I think a super sexy boyfriend called Albus Potter is enough to make anyone happy.

Ahh thank you!

Al is a bit of an enigma and hopefully there will be more of his feelings/his brain activity unleashed in up coming chapters, maybe even a bit in his POV. Al is a quiet person in general as well so it doesn't help matters either.

I've been meaning to put up Chapter 5 but haven't got around to it, it's on my (very long and never ending) to-do-list so it should be up soon, hopefully. Hehe, I could tell you spoilers but where's the fun in that :p

Aww you're too kind! *hugs* I'm terrible like that as well, I always end up forgetting to review if it's been a while and I haven't reviewed the first lot of chapters and then I'm on like number 13 or something. Look forward to hearing from you again :)

-Potterfan310
Soph xx

(Longest review ever, you deserve a medal!)


 Report Review

Review #3, by ohmymerlin Ayli's Birthday, Making Friends and Drunken Kisses

18th February 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm here from my review thread! Firstly, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THEY KISSED THEY KISSED THEY KISSED!

CUTIE PIES!

WE FINALLY HAVE SOME ACTION! :'D But they agreed to be friends? Shouldn't they agree to be more than friends? *waggles eyebrows up and down like that old Cadbury ad*

... Unless you guys didn't have that ad and it was some weird Australian thing. If not, just ignore me, ahaha :p

Also, I loved the hummer part. I've been in one hummer and one Chrysler limo before and both of them had all that stuff you mentioned, and it's so much fun! I honestly wanted to just ride around in there all night but we had functions to attend, ahaha! So yeah, props for accuracy! :D

*coughs* Now that the fangirl part of my review is over, I'll comment on your grammar/spelling.

I caught a fair few errors, sorry I'm really nit-picky. I am really weird about these things, please don't hate me! D:

"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies." Rose chimed in.

This should have a comma at the end instead of a full stop like so:

"Yeah the baby of the group has finally caught up with us oldies," Rose chimed in.

...and then drank it in one, "You all ready?" She asked as she smoothed...

This should have a full stop at the end of the 'one', and a lower case s on the 'she'. Here's what I mean:

...and then drank it in one. "You all ready?" she asked as she smoothed...

"Have fun girls," Her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera, "You all look beautiful!"

Should be:

"Have fun girls," her mum called smiling at us all as she came out armed with a camera. "You all look beautiful!"

It just flows a lot better with the full stop at the end of camera.

...heard Seamus say, "And no boys." in the background... should be:

...heard Seamus say, "And no boys," in the background...

I made that a comma because the 'in' was a part of the sentence. Honestly, I don't know if that's grammatically correct because that still confuses me but I think it is right. If not, just ignore me, ahaha, because I generally do that because I like the way it looks, hehe :p

"Happy birthday Ayli!" He called, "Surprise."

This should be:

"Happy birthday, Ayli!" he called. "Surprise."

A comma needs to always go before someone's name (there are some exceptions but I can't think of any currently) and again the 'he' should be in lower case.

"Amazing." Dom muttered in awe

"Amazing," Dom muttered in awe

"I love you all." Ayli replied.

"I love you all," Ayli replied.

"Pass the bubbly." He said into my ear

"Pass the bubbly," he said into my ear

Again, all these should have commas after the last word instead of a full stop. And on the last one the h from he should be in lower case.

The red hed she had been dancing earlier helped us across the VIP area and out through the club.

You've misspelt 'head' and forgotten the word 'with' between dancing and earlier. :p

We eventualy arrived back on my street

'Eventually' is misspelt here but it's most likely a typo since I did the exact same thing retyping it out, ahaha!

I climbed inot my bed and settled down.

This is just a small typo of 'into' but that's probably a result of typing too fast, ahaha! I think that's the reason for most typos nowadays! :p

Also, this sentence: Laughing I waved goodbye to him as Caleb span me around in his arms and took me dance.

Instead of dance, you should have 'dancing'. Or you could have written 'took me to dance' but personally I think dancing suits better. :)

Overall with your grammar, I've noticed you tend to repeat the same mistakes. You often put a full stop where there should be a comma and have the 'he/she/they said' in capitals when it should (usually) be lower cased. I don't know if that's a term but I had no idea how to put it, ahaha!

You also asked about characterisation. I think it's great so far! I haven't had any problems with it so I don't think you need to worry about that!

Next up, plot! The plot seems to be progressing very nicely. We're slowly getting some action from Al and Alyssa so that's definitely good! :D

So yeah, I don't really have much to say anymore except that OH MY GOD THEY KISSED.

Still not over it, ahaha! :p

Anyway, this was a great chapter! Sorry if I came across as a bit harsh or condescending about the errors, I honestly don't intend it that way. :/

And oh my god, sorry about the length of this! o.o

This is what happens when you write one sentence per line instead of clumping them together in paragraphs, ahaha! :p

Feel free to request again! :)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hey Kayla!

Super sorry I'm late replying, my internet has been messed up as well as being busy.

THEY KISSED AND EVEN I CANNOT BELIEVE IT :D

They've agree to be Friends? For now maybe ;) Hehe yes! We did have that advert along with the gorilla one :p It must have been a weird UK thing as well then. As for more than friends? Wait and see, wait and see ;)

I've been in a limo once so I sort of based it on that and some pictures of Hummers from off online. It's so fun though and I think we would have rode around all night as well :) So much fun but we had places to be :)
Hehe fangirl all you like but grammar/spelling is good.

I've gone over on my saved copy and edited all of those that you've pointed out so THANK YOU. I'm so used to writing things lately that except when I know it's needed all grammar goes out the window and then I go all funny when typing which is a pain for me.

Ahh so long as Alyssa and the others behave themselves that it. Hehe there's more to come but THEY KISSED!! You're in for a lot more in later chapters.

Ahh your seriously a life-saver and definitely not harsh! I've said it before but Thank you, thank you, thank you for your reviews!!! *hugs*

Hehe it's like a whole essay :p

- Sophie xx


 Report Review

Review #4, by newgenerationlover Confusing Memories, Green Eyed Boys And Mother's Who Just Won't Listen

18th February 2014:
Really like this story, can't wait to keep reading!

Author's Response: Thank you!! I should update soon (I hope)
Thanks for R+R'ing!

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #5, by MC_HK Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

5th February 2014:
Hello! It's been a while, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything from the previous review!

Areas of concern:
-I see lots of areas that could use commas. They will help in breaking up your sentences a bit, as they are currently very run-on. There are also a few punctuation errors that need to be addressed.

-The characters you have are very good, and I enjoy the personalities you give them. Terry the Creep really was creepy O_O

-The flow was alright, but due to the run-on sentences and punctuation in the wrong areas, it seemed a little monotonous. This can be easily fixed though, don't worry.

Things worth mentioning:
-"...which did a good job of covering up my cleavage which was very much on show." You have 'which' twice in the same sentence, and it sounds really repetitive and the sentence in itself is run-on. When you mention that there is cleavage to be seen, you already imply that it's 'out there'. It's not something that could be subtle. So if you just take out the last part, then the sentence would be better. You also do this same thing with the word 'bit' later on in the chapter, and it might not seem like it but it's something that could make a reader stumble over what they're reading or even drive them off. Repetition is not really favored much (in my opinion.)

-I noticed some minor spelling and grammar mistakes. Like, you use "pray" instead of "prey." There are more, but I'm sure you could comb through carefully to find those. I also noticed a handful of missing words.

-This kind of ties into repetition. There's one point where you say that Terry sees Alyssa and calls her name, then in the next paragraph he is actually calling her name. This is redundant, and you can probably take out the part where you say he calls her name.

-"Terry went for steak with chips, plus a side of chips..." I don't know if you meant to put chips twice, but if you did you might want to add that he ordered an additional side of chips.

-"I had eaten my burger because I was starving and plus eating didn't seem to stop him." Goodness, I noticed how rude I must sound, and I'm so sorry. It's not my intention at all. But I would consider removing this sentence or modifying it, only because they are at dinner and she's meant to eat her food.

-"...A) I was getting cold and B) it would stop..." I would like to mention that this kind of change of format is kind of awkward and unnecessary. Although you're telling it from a first person POV it's passable, but I'm just letting you know that in my opinion, it's a bit awkward. If you took the A) and B) out, then you still have a perfectly good sentence.

-"Memories, isn't it." This is kind of a confusing sentence. I suggest modifying it to be clearer, like, "Memories, for when we're old and grey."

Overall, a good, well-rounded chapter :) I enjoyed it!

--Monica

Author's Response: Hi,

It's fine and sorry I've taken ages to reply.

I think now that I have a beta and I've re-read and most of these have been sorted. I've yet to edit this chapter on here yet.

It's fine honestly and thank you so, so much I'll get around to going over and fixing things!

-Potterfan310
Soph :)


 Report Review

Review #6, by LightLeviosa5443 Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

4th February 2014:
Hi! I'm so sorry that I'm so late with this review! I'm terrible, really!

I love your writing, it's so addicting and fabulous. I really am liking Alyssa, and oh my goodness the dress thing. Awful Terry is definitely more appropriately named Terry The Creep. Very fitting.

I love love love love love love love love love that Al was the knight in shining armour, and really that entire section where he's saving her then walking her home then she's in his room and she's climbing out the window was so funny.

WAIT THIS IS THE CHLOE THAT YOU WERE ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HER GETTING MARRIED?!?! WHAT?! Sorry, I got distracted when I realized that. I may or may not have seen your post in "Questions About My Story" thread.

Anywho, I love how Alyssa was all "I'm not so sure I can say that" when she see's Lorcan's bum. So funny, I think it's great that she was so oblivious and well, I guess innocent, about it.

Wonderfully done!

I loved this chapter. The characterization was SPOT ON (as I think I already said, with all of my gushing). I didn't catch any grammar or spelling mistakes, and the flow was well-done!

xoxo Sarah

Author's Response: Hi, don't worry about it :)

Aw you are too kind, Thank you *hugs* Alyssa's so fun to write and so different to what I'm used to.

Terry the creep is so much more certainly more fitting, O_O

I love that moment too ♥ It's one of my favourites!

Yes this is the same Chloe I asked about getting married! Although that doesn't come into play just yet but there are reasons :)

I think anyone with a sibling young or old, you just want to ignore that whole factor or you end up mentally scaring yourself for life. Though to be fair with Alyssa it's her baby sister and she really doesn't want to think about that as Chloe sometimes acts older than she is:p

Thank you ♥

-Soph :D



 Report Review

Review #7, by ohmymerlin Birthday Planning, Summer And Topless Boys

31st January 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm here again!

This was an interesting chapter! We can definitely tell that Alyssa is starting to - and unwillingly - become interested in Al, hehe :p

However, I did notice quite a few grammatical errors which did pull me out of the story slightly.

This is actually a spelling error but 'cracken' should be spelt as 'kraken'. I did have to look that up though because it's such a weird word. I always hear it said but I never actually knew what it was, ahaha! :p

Her speech about being nineteen is EXACTLY what I say! It's such an awkward age! It's just there. :p But, there should be a question mark at the end of the first sentence: What's so exciting about turning nineteen.

It should be: What's so exciting about turning nineteen? as it is a question.

This too should have a question mark: Huh? What are you on about Lil.

It should be: Huh? What are you on about, Lil?

This also needs a question mark: Hey Al wanna come to my birthday party.

It should be: Hey, Al, wanna come to my birthday party?

The 'he' should be in lower case letters in this sentence: "What is it Lyss? Have I grown an extra head or something?" He asked

Like: "What is it, Lyss? Have I grown an extra head or something?" he asked

Also, a comma should go before someone's name. I'll use this sentence as an example:

You were staring at Al Lyss.

The comma should go after Al as he is currently the subject. So it should be like:

You were staring at Al, Lyss.

I've noticed that quite a few of those commas are missing and because I'm a grammar nut, it does detract me from the story a bit.

This is also incorrect: ...sliding down it until I hit the floor, "Ow." I moaned softly...

It should be: ...sliding down it until I hit the floor. "Ow," I moaned softly...

The comma is at the end of the dialogue if it is followed by '(s)he/they said' or something similar. But if it was phrased like this: I moaned softly, "Ow." it ends in a full stop as there is no more speech.

Also, the last sentence: Oh crap, what have I got myself into. should have a question mark on the end because she's asking herself a question.

Anyway, you also asked about the new characters.

First of all, where can I get a friend like Ayli? :p I want a friend that bribes me with shoes and is able to design her (and my) own clothes! :p I have to say, that's a very unique profession, especially in fanfiction so props for creativity!

Also, can I just say I love the name Niamh? It's so nice to look at! :p

And I definitely agree with Dom! Strippers should always come to a party! ;)

Speaking of, Dom seems like a fun character! We don't know much about her yet but I think she's going to be good!

Rose seems very straight-laced but she still seems very sweet. Her heart seems to be in the right spot.

And Caleb sounds like heaps of fun! And again, I like the creativity with the professions! I feel like a lot of fanfiction authors seem to think that there are only three jobs in the world: Aurors, Healers and Ministry workers, hehe :p Not that it's bad having characters work there, it can just get a bit tiring.

Also, what does Alyssa do? It said that she worked at night but didn't say her actual job - unless I missed that?

Oh and the shirtless scene sounded like fun ;) Just like a movie where the boys next door reveal their beautiful bodies, ehehe ;)

Anyway, I hope this wasn't too harsh but I really enjoyed this chapter! I'm enjoying the whole story, actually!

Feel free to request again - on this story or any other story!

- Kayla :)

(Also, sorry about the essay! :p)

Author's Response: Hey, (Essay's are good!)

Alyssa is definitely starting to gets some heart pings and flutters no matter how much she wants to deny it.

Damn I've done it again, Thank you for pointing those out. I'll be sure to change them before sending this chapter off to my beta.

I think Nineteen is certainly an awkward age I mean you can pretty do much whatever you could at eighteen. You just feel that bit older.

Ayli is soo fun to write! I was trying to think of how she would manage to get the shoes to bribe Lyss with and then I was like she could be a fashion designer along with her mother who runs a shop.

I love Irish accents and considering Ayli is Seamus' daughter I thought it fitting that he would have married an Irish woman from back home.

Dom has good ideas :p Strippers and parties are a must. She's a lot like Ayli but she has a slightly wicked side to her.

You got Rose in one :) She's straight laced and the mother of the group, so she tries to keep the others in line.

Caleb's great, he's so fun to write as well. Him and Ayli together are like two little children who have eaten too many sweets :p I wanted it to be different and as this lot as still young I didn't really want them to anything heavy.

I've written that in but I've yet to edit. Alyssa works in a pub as a barmaid as her uncle is a close friend to the owner. She's worked there since she turned eighteen.

Oh yes, think of that moment when the guy in the 'Call Me Maybe' song video does it ;) Plus their both Potters.

Nope not at all and thank you once again for pointing the grammar stuff out as it is so to my strong point.

-Sophie :D


 Report Review

Review #8, by ohmymerlin Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

29th January 2014:
Hey, Sophie!

This was another great chapter! I'm really curious as to how their relationship is going to develop! I liked the little friendly banter - especially with the list. It made me laugh so much!

"Buy bread, check. Kill Albus Potter, check. Put the cat out, check." hehehehehehehehe!

The characterisations were very good! Terry is a disgusting creep and I hope he stays out of the story for good now. What's he doing perving on girls nearly ten years younger than him?!

Although, him reaching out for the salt reminded me of Harry in Order of the Phoenix when he reaches out for Cho's hand and then lunging to the sugar when she didn't notice him, ahaha! Was that intentional? :p

Anyway, I do have a little bit of criticism on your grammar, sorry!

You forgot the closing quotation mark here: "You have five minutes Lyss to get ready and apparate.

This should end in a question mark: And anyway how on earth did this dress get mum's approval."

This sentence

...for Quidditch matches as well as the muggle sport: Football whilst stuffing his face with chips.

should be structured like this:

...for Quidditch matches as well as the Muggle sport, football, whilst stuffing his face with chips.

You misspelt nicknamed as 'nicknaned' when Terry is forcing himself upon Alyssa.

This also should have a question mark at the end: Memories, isn't it.

Although I saw on the forums you've gotten a beta and it will just smooth out all the errors. What I find that helps me is to read out loud what I've written. And that way it makes me really concentrate and then I pick up on the errors more easily! Although, I recommend doing this with music on or at a quiet whisper because your family might hear and might start thinking you have an imaginary friend, ahahaha! :p

I still feel like Alyssa is being too cold to Albus, though! Warm up, m'dear! :p

Anywho, this was a really good chapter! The plot is interesting and I'm keen to read more! Feel free to request again! :D

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hi Kayla!

Thank you! Slowly but surely they get with a little help of some liquid courage, lol.

Love a bit of banter and I don't really think humor's a strong point for me so it's both interesting and fun to write.

Terry is a creep and Alyssa has her mother to blame for him. He may be in it once more for luck but for now he's gone.
I forgot about that :) but nope it wasn't intentional, just written at random because of him wanting to be like the couple at the next table.

It's fine, I suck pretty bad at grammar, it's a wonder I passed English to be honest :p I'll be sorting them out right away.

Yep, got my beta sorted and chapter one is done! Just need to edit it on here. Thank for the tip, I might have to try that. Although I do mutter/talk to myself sometimes when writing for no reason so it wouldn't be no different I guess. Haha, certainly doing that was music, can always say I was singing along then :p

Alyssa is a bit cold but she soon warms up to him in more ways than one :p

Thank you so,so much Kayla. Your reviews are so helpful!!
-Sophie :D



 Report Review

Review #9, by ohmymerlin Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

24th January 2014:
Hey, Sophie! I'm here from my review thread :)

Okay firstly, I just have to say that you've seemed to misplace a few of your commas. For example:

...my room had started to spin, "ALYSSA!" My mother yelled again. - this should be ...my room had started to spin. "ALYSSA!" my mother yelled again.

...faint I stood up warily, "Coming mum." I called back... - and this should be ...faint I stood up warily. "Coming, Mum," I called back...

I remember that there's a good tutorial on the forums either by pennyardelle or WeasleyTwinMom about dialogue. I used to always get extremely confused but they make it so much clearer. It's actually one of my favourite topics, haha!

One thing also, generally if someone vomits when they're drunk, they usually don't feel so bad in the morning. I wasn't aware of this (as I haven't thrown up since 2006) because most of the alcohol leaves your system. They still feel a bit groggy but they're generally okay.

Unless she continued drinking then ignore me! :p

Also, a few times you've written 'ad ate' instead of 'a date' but they're just small typos that everyone makes :p

And you also spelt Apparating as 'appariting'. But that is the most annoying word to spell, I swear. :p

This is a pretty good first chapter but I must say I did get a bit confused with all the characters. I felt like I got a bit overwhelmed with all the information. I think you can keep the same amount of characters but maybe go slower when describing them? The first time I read this I nearly missed Adriana and then when Alyssa was talking about 'Ade' I got very confused until I reread it.

Okay this may be a personal preference but I feel like the nicknames were too much. I generally don't like nicknames so I might be a little biased but you had a nickname for nearly every character. It just felt too forced sometimes?

So, your characters. I quite like Alyssa. She seems to be very snarky and sarcastic but she's still got a kind heart. Although, I think she's quite rude to Albus. He hasn't done anything to her (as far as I know) and she's acting a bit childish, in my opinion. I think she should have just been polite to Albus. I know if I haven't spoken to anyone in eight years I just suck it up and act very polite. It may be forced or something, but still! I'm sure her mother raised her better than that! :p

Speaking of, her mother sounds quite intense but it is believable! There ARE some crazy mothers out there that try and force their daughters to get a boyfriend and have children early on. I agree with Alyssa, though. She may as well have some fun while she can!

I really like Chloe! She seems like a really fun sister! She kind of reminds me of Lydia from the Lizzie Bennet Diaries! And she seems like a typical 17 year old, who thinks that her mum will go crazy if she finds out she has a boyfriend but in all honesty, her mum will probably go crazy because she tried to hide it from her. Honesty is always the best policy!

Hayden seems like the cutest kid ever! And you wrote his speech very well! I find that a lot of authors (including myself) find it very difficult to write a baby's (or toddler's) speech so kudos!

Oh, I should also talk about Albus. He seems interesting. Why is it all of a sudden he wants to talk to Alyssa? Has he got some ulterior motive? And I think it's a bit silly of him to ask to be friends with her. He should just invite her out to places, talk to her more often and then BAM! friendship happens! :p

Anywho, this was a great introductory chapter. You've engaged the audience and I will definitely want to read more!

Feel free to request again!

(Also sorry for the essay-length review! I can really go on sometimes! :s)

- Kayla :)

Author's Response: Hey, Kayla!

Gahh, grammar is so not my strong point and the comma and full stop being so close on a keyboard doesn't help either when you're typing fast :p Definitely think I might have to check that out when I'm on there next, thanks for the tip!

I didn't know that either but then when I drink I'm not normally sick which is why I probably feel so icky the next day. But yes after she was sick Alyssa continued drinking as she wanted to continue her sister's birthday celebrations.

Ooops, that's me and my fast typing I swear. :p And as for the apparating thing, you're right it has got to be one of the worst things to spell so thank you for the correct way!!

You're not the only one so don't worry :) But it's no wonder what with Alyssa, her four siblings, parents, nephew and the others! Slower is on the cards! I'm hoping that if someone picks this up to beta that they can help me out with it as well but for now, I shall try and work some magic on it :p

It's fine but I probably do use them for nearly all of the characters, I'm just used to nicknames for people I know so it's pretty much normal/a habit for me :)

Alyssa's especially fun to write! And yes deep down she has got a kind heart. As for her and the Albus thing, their story will probably come in later chapters (I think?) but anyway they were really close when they were younger until they went to Hogwarts and they got sorted into different houses as they had both planned on being in Gryffindor together, but Albus got put into Slytherin.

She was probably being childish and she knows it but he just irks her, but because they live next door to each other she sort of knows she can get away with it as there have been the occasional forced chats due to their mothers.

Haha, yes her mother is a little crazy! I'm with you and Alyssa on that, having fun while you still can.

I've never watched that but I think my face claim of Anna-Sophia Robb for one of my other stories plays the main role? I've only seen a pictures/gifs/screencaps. Any mother would probably go a little crazy but since she knows her mum isn't all that fond of Lorcan Chloe thinks it's best to keep it from her for now. Chloe's probably also the sibling that Alyssa is closest to, especially now that their elder sister Ade doesn't live with them anymore.

Hayden is adorable isn't he :) Thank you!! I have my own inspiration/guide in the form of my nephew, Hayden's speech is roughly based on the stuff he comes out with as Hayden is around the same sort of age.

Albus is interesting, it's not just a sudden thing and although it's not shown there has been the occasional conversation between them but it has been forced due to their mothers being around or if they are around friends, but that's more of a Hi/How are you/Bye sort of thing. Nope, no ulterior motive that I know of yet, he simply wants to be friends again because they're both out of school/more mature now. There were a few arguments shortly after they started their first year and their friendship fizzled (love that word :p) out, their only interactions being a smile or acknowledging each other when with friends. But the whole BAM friendship may be coming up so look out.

Thank you so, so much for the help!! And I think I'll definitely be re-requesting if you have the slots open.

An essay is always nice to read, especially when you didn't have to write it! Thanks again.
-Sophie :D


 Report Review

Review #10, by MC_HK Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

23rd January 2014:
Hello!

Areas of Concern:
-I like the plot of this story. It'll be nice to see these old friends turn into lovers after so long of not talking. It's almost like you have a blank slate for them. I do hope to see some really good development of the relationship.

-Your characters are very well done. You've done a really good job giving each a specific personality and letting it shine through. I especially like Alyssa's personality :) Keep this up and your story will always be really great!

-I can't pick out every grammar mistake, but I can say you've got quite a few of them. I highly recommend a beta that can pick those out for you, and help you with punctuation errors as well.

Some things worth mentioning:
-Although I thought this was well written, I was having a really hard time keeping up with all of the characters, but maybe that's just me. I felt like so many people had been introduced I was getting everyone mixed up and had no idea who was who and forgetting about other people. I know you can't not introduce them, but I feel like maybe there's a way to do it that would give more flow to the story and have people remember who is who. I would suggest as soon as they are mentioned, explain who they are. You do that a couple times, but with Deano and Hayden I had no idea what was going on for a moment.

-Overall I really like this! You've got a great start and I'm eager to see what happens next!

--Monica

Author's Response: Hi and thanks for R+R'ing so quick!

I think now they've grown up as well and they're more mature that the blank slate is even better as their past is behind them in a way. I'm glad you like it and the characters! Apart from Chloe, Alyssa is my favourite to write so far :p

Definitely not my stong point and I've put a request for a beta reder over at the forums, so hopefully I get get around to sorting those out as well as re-reading and editing.

You're not th only one to say that so don't worry. Thanks for pointing it out! There are quiet a few people in this first chapter as Alyssa has four siblings as well as her parents and nephew plus the others so I do understand the confusion. I'll be sure to edit and add little bits in as well as trying to get the flow better. Hopefully a beta will help out with that.

Thank you for a great review!
-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #11, by luciusobsessed Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

21st January 2014:
I love how you started it this story with a witty comment about her name. I can relate to that as well honestly. Alyssa is a strong character and I like how she has a good relationship with her mom and can be so open with her. Her siblings make for interesting characters as well. I really like her sister and how she wants to grow out of that little girl image. I liked the part when she told Albus it was better if they didn't start a conversation after eight years. It was cold and harsh but is great for adding up tension and am excited to see how it will all unfold xoxo luciusobsessed

Author's Response: I was trying my best at something witty/funny, something which is a first for me so I'm glad you like/relate to it. Alyssa really holds her own, I think? it comes across that she's feisty in some aspects as well as being a strong person.

I wanted Alyssa and her mum pretty close with a good relationship, but they do have their moments. I love writing Alyssa with her siblings because she's really close with Ade and Chloe, then Caine is more of a 'bad boy'/annoying brother in a house full of girls and Carrie is a bouncy, happy little girl.

Although younger than Alyssa, Chloe believe she is older than her years and I'm glad you like her! Albus and Alyssa have so much history and although Lyss was harsh, she does warm up to him in the end.

Thank you for the review!

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #12, by Andy Short Dresses, Awful Dates And A Knight With Messy Black Hair

15th January 2014:
This is amazing!! Write more please

Author's Response: Aww thank you! Glad you think so. Next chapter is in the queue as we speak :D

-Potterfan310


 Report Review

Review #13, by LightLeviosa5443 Hangovers, Annoying Mothers And Albus Potter

12th January 2014:
Hi! I'm so sorry that I'm so late with this review love!

I kind of loved this chappie! It was a great start to your story! I really enjoyed reading a chapter that had a different family than I'm used to, but with the Potter's still involved. Always a plus, in my opinion.

I really liked the way you covered the relationship between all of the siblings, because it not only introduced them all, but gave me an idea of how the family dynamics worked! This is definitely different from Unexpected Parenthood, but in a fabulous way!

I think the story flowed really nicely. It was a fun little start to the family's day, and I enjoyed that mini Albus/Alyssa scene!! Alyssa should just give in and be all friendly with Albus. She knows she wants to!

There was only one little spelling mistake I noticed! When Ade is opening her presents and the picture and the note fall out, you say "I picture both of them up..." I think you meant I picked both of them up.

That was the only spelling mistake I caught in the entire thing!

Loved this chap! Great job! I can't wait to read more of this story!

xoxo Sarah

Author's Response: Hi, it's fine!

Different families are great and I love writing Alyssa's slightly crazy one. Potters are always a plus! :)

Thank you! I never know how to introduce the siblings so I'm glad you like it. And as for Unexpected Parenthood, chapter 39 is now up!

For moment Alyssa has no plans to give in, but that doesn't mean it won't come!

How I didn't miss that I don't now :/ Thank you I wouldn't have spotted otherwise and I've now fixed it.

Thanks Sarah! :D

-Potterfan310
Soph x


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login