77 Reviews Found

Review #1, by TreacleTart Take It Easy

21st February 2015:
Hi there,

Just finishing up my review of your final chapter (at least thus far) from your review request.

I was very happy reading this chapter. For some reason the last chapter was odd to me and this one seemed to get your story back on track. I love that they've been randomly transported to Brittany because the best adventures happen in spontaneous circumstances!

Poor Heath. Breaking his arm and passing out! Certainly not very manly, but definitely understandable. He seems to be interested in Molly suddenly, but I suppose her taking care of him might have something to do with it.

Molly is also starting to warm up a bit. I think that's due to seeing Heath being vulnerable. Most women seem to dig that in a guy. Just remember not to have her break down too quickly in the story.

I'm so excited to see what their trip to Paris brings. I'm not sure if you've been to Paris or not, but if you haven't and need help with ideas for locations aside from the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre De Livre...I've been recently and could give you a laundry list of cool places that they could visit. If you already have it planned out or have been yourself...don't mind me. I'm just trying to be helpful is all. :)

Overall, this chapter is probably my favorite of the four and I can't wait to see what's next. Thanks for a good read!


On a side note, I think a previous reviewer mentioned this as well, but in the scene where Heath says "What could be worse?"..I too pictured Hermione saying "expelled!" :)

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Review #2, by TreacleTart Uncharted

19th February 2015:
Hello again,

I'm here to finish the review that you requested on the forums.

So Heath and Molly are off on an adventure! I'm excited to see where they end up. The back and forth between them is really great. Molly is cool as a cucumber and it's going to be hard for Heath to really get her to warm up.

I did find the flow of this chapter to be kind of off. The jumping ahead in time periodically threw me off a bit. I see that it's separated by dividers, but I think you could improve on the way that you transition the different sections.

I also noticed some awkward sentences in this chapter. It seems like you try to cram a lot of detail into one sentence. Sometimes it works, but other times it doesn't. I would suggest maybe breaking some of that up.

And finally...The Hippie dude is not my cup of tea at all. In all honestly I found him to be rather annoying and I felt it detracted a bit from the story. I guess I just don't see an old Hippie working as a tour guide in the UK. Maybe if this was some cute beach town in Los Angeles the character might fit more. His repetitions of "Dude" over and over again also seemed fairly stereotypical.

I hope this doesn't come off as overly-harsh because I certainly don't mean it that way. I really am enjoying this story.

~TreacleTart (Kaitlin)

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Review #3, by TreacleTart Counting Stars

18th February 2015:
Hello Again,

I'm here with another requested review from the forums.

I thought chapter 2 was interesting. The set up for Molly and Heath to fall in love was well-written. The flow in general throughout the chapter was pretty smooth.

Heath's character was fairly authentic to a guy in his early to mid twenties. The night of drinking and hung over morning sounded like something out of my own college years. I do find him to be a bit grating at this point, but I feel like that's a good thing because I'll have a chance as a reader to grow to love him as Molly does.

A few minor critiques:

I lost count of how many times you repeated Dennis Creevey's name. It seemed like for the entire middle section of the story every few sentences started with his name. I would maybe vary that a bit because it did get a bit redundant.

I also thought the first part of the chapter, where the two friends are discussing their drunken night could use a bit more detail. Most of it is dialogue, so it reads really quickly. Perhaps slow it down a bit with some more descriptive sentences. Maybe add some detail about his break up.

In closing, I felt this was another solid chapter. I like the direction it is headed and am looking forward to reading the next 2 chapters (although they'll have to wait until tomorrow)


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Review #4, by TreacleTart King of Anything

18th February 2015:
Hi there!

Here with your requested review from the forums.

So I will start off by saying that this is not the type of story that normally would catch my attention. In fact, I usually find fluff to be either obnoxious or boring. That being said, I think you've done a wonderful job of making this more interesting. The breakup in the beginning provided a nice amount of depth to your character.

As for characterization, I thought you nailed the voice of a woman in her early 20's. Molly sounded angsty and frustrated, like many 20-somethings do, but she doesn't seem to know exactly what to do to fix it either. She had a nice self-deprecating sense of humor that also added to the story.

I did notice a few tiny things when reading:

You use the word CRIED a lot. On a brief re-read, I counted 7 separate occasions where a character cried. I would suggest breaking that up a bit by using other words instead of cried repeatedly. (Exclaimed, shouted, protested, etc.)

The chapter where you introduce Agatha Pasiley-Bumbershuffle is a bit awkward. I can't quite put my finger on the reason why, but something doesn't quite flow right for me.

Overall, I'm really surprised to be enjoying a fluff story. Looking forward to the next chapter!


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Review #5, by Japans Arc Angel Take It Easy

17th February 2015:
The very first section was mind blowing. The depiction of the brutality of silence was wonderful, and truly commendable. The relationship development is particularly interesting, especially on Molly's part, who seems to be much more complex as a person than first implied, or is shown to the characters and the reader.

There was however another instance where you stated something, this time, "she didn't appear to be very concerned by this" and the character then stated this afterwards.

I am however enjoying the references to the world of HP, such as the French aunt or the half-repetition of Hermione's "or worse expelled" statement. Though you don't go into great detail, there is enough for the story to make sense without the knowledge, but also makes sense and gives enough away to those who are HP fans.

I am hoping however that Molly does not become too Hermione - esq, as, she appears to be very similar to her at some stages. Which is not unreasonable considering they are family. However it is good to see the slight Weasley Fire in her, which I would like to see presented a little more.

Many thanks

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Review #6, by Japans Arc Angel Uncharted

17th February 2015:
It is nice to see the slight relationship development between Molly and Heath, their typical British/American conversations are subtly amusing.
But I was a little sad that Raj wouldn't be coming along on their adventure! Hoping that he makes an appearance soon.

I did wonder though, perhaps there's a specific reason for it, why the train? I would have thought that they would apparate, or at least use a portkey.

It was nice to hear of Agatha again, I hope that she's a source of persuasion for Molly throughout, and the driving force behind her changing her life to what she wants, rather than what is expected of her.

I'm not usually into the whole predicting the future to give away the story thing, but I think you handled it fairly well in honesty. You gave a snippet away but didn't babble on and ruin what's coming, so that was very well done, even if I'm not totally convinced by Socks and Sandles as a character.

I do think however, that last exchange between Molly, Heath and S&S could have been filled out a bit more, rather than a simple serious of statements, perhaps indicating how they were feeling in regards to the situation and to each other.

Awesome cliffy through! Definitely makes you want to read on, which I will be doing!

Many thanks

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Review #7, by Japans Arc Angel Counting Stars

17th February 2015:
Beginning reading this chapter was rather confusing, considering your OCs, however I was intrigued by the raptor between Heath and Raj, and keen to read on. It was surprising a little way through that Heath's voice suddenly acquired an American accent! Raj was indeed a breath of fresh air with subtle humour and a rather conserved nature.

There was however, one phrase that stood out to me, which was "How much had he had to drink last night" to which the character simply repeated this statement. It would have perhaps been better to adjust these phrases slightly, rather than repeating yourself. Also, I though that Heath's sudden snapping at Molly was a little out of context and unexpected, but perhaps slightly understandable.

Your description of dream to awakening however also really stood out as a good choice of wording. It created an image that reminded me of previous, rather arduous awakening that most people will endure at some point in their lives.
I did enjoy the relationship between Molly and Heath however, and I think there's so many places that they could go, it'll be interesting to see what you decide.

Many thanks

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Review #8, by Japans Arc Angel King of Anything

13th February 2015:
I must first begin by saying I have never read a next generation story, but this was a rather rrefreshing experience. I did indeed find this first chapter a rather interesting one, you began and finished quite solidly, which was also incredibly pleasing. You have indeed opened me a little more as to reading these kinds of fiction, and I will continue to review the remaining chapters you have uploaded so far.

The flow of your writing overall is very good, although perhaps at the beginning I had to go back and reread over the first few paragraphs, just to make sure I knew who was being spoken about. Though this did not hinder the chapter overall, it may be something you wish to address if you revise this.

Although not much action or progression happened in this chapter, I did like the way you set the scene and established Molly's personality, and I must say that it was not what I had been expecting at all. Though considering the nature of her extended family, it would be unsurprising for her to have a playful if not impatient temperament.

Your slight hint at humour, particularly in your last few lines lightened the chapter considerably, and it's always good to see authors giving their fiction more or an every day feel from time to time without it feeling as though it has been forced.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write this, and I look forward to seeing how it developes.

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Review #9, by AvadaKedavra1 King of Anything

8th February 2015:
Sorry it took so long for a review, I managed to start reading late last night and needed to reread this morning because I think I turned into a pumpkin.

You're a very solid writer, quite impressively so. The first couple of sentences, I thought "Oh, dear, here we go!" pertaining to wordiness and over-writing, but that was the last I thought of it.

I didn't pay attention to the story information so the first couple of paragraphs I thought I was watching Molly Pruett, not Molly Weasley of next gen :)

So let's talk about Molly. You've written her beautifully. She's annoying, whiny, cerebral, a total girl, and quite clearly Percy's offspring. I'm certain if I was friends with her in real life I'd throw myself out of a window.SHE'S WONDERFULLY WRITTEN! I love it.

I can't answer what I think about readability, because I'm not really sure what you have up your sleeve for her. But so far, I really like it...she's such a pill, lol.

Fantastic writing style.

Author's Response: That's cool! I went to sleep to sleep anyway :)

Thank you! I have a tendency to get wordy - I seem to have an allergy to full stops. I'm pleased that's only an issue at the beginning.

Haha, no! Definitely Molly II! Although imagining Molly Prewett like this is a lot of fun...

I'm glad you are enjoying Molly! I love writing her. She's so much fun. And yes, she very clearly is Percy's offspring. I'm pleased that comes through.

Thanks for the lovely review and all your help :)

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Review #10, by crestwood King of Anything

28th January 2015:
Hi, I'm here with a (slightly late) hot seat review!

I haven't had much time to get reviews done this week since school just started for me, but I got to school early today so I could type this up.

This is such an interesting start to a story. I definitely see why everyone's begging you to update this one :P I'm really loving the quote used in the beginning and how you kind of based this chapter around it.

Starting a story off with a breakup is always an interesting choice and I can tell it'll be a lot of fun to go through the post-breakup period inside of Molly's head. Her ruminations about why she hates the cafe they're in was kind of hilarious. She's getting dumped and she's thinking about how much she hates the coffee there!

I'm so intrigued that Agatha going on about her seemingly great, perfect life is what caused Molly to become disillusioned with hers. I can actually really relate to that because I definitely would say that maybe that nice, neat little life may not be for me. I get the feeling that she wants a bit more excitement, maybe? I thought it interesting that they are going to be an Auror and a Healer, which is usually the thing people in fic are aspiring to. It's almost as if it's all too easy for her. (also I love that Molly is the Auror-to-be and her boyfriend wanted to be a Healer. it's so often the other way around)

The way Molly broke the news to her parents was so great! And her big monologue about how much she hates her job and how she hasn't had a day off in years and just her general disdain for the path she's been on was just amazing. I feel like that deserves to be quoted somewhere. It's such an accurate social critique and wow, I just love this story so far.

- Joey

Author's Response: Hola! I am here with a slightly late response, so that makes us even. I get that - school has an annoying habit of getting in the way. But alas, such is the nature of real life.

Haha, this is a fun story to write. I stopped writing it for some reason, and it's taken me a long time to get back to it - much longer than anticipated, but an update shall be imminent! I haven't read Perks, so I just used the quote in the way I felt like, without feeling the pressure to conform to its meaning in the novel. I'm very pleased that you found it to work.

I've never started with the end of a relationship before. That was new for me. But Molly is great. She's a character who's very dear to my heart, and I hope that you continue to like her as the story goes on.

Agatha serves as Molly's wake up call. This is the beginning of her realisation that she has to figure out what she wants from her life for herself, rather than blindly following some pre-written plan. She may return to wanting the sort of life Agatha has in the future, but I want her to find out for herself if that's what she wants. Agency is a big deal. You're right in guessing that what she really wants right now is excitement. That's a very great word to describe her feelings on the matter. And I didn't even think of the role reversal. I just didn't want Molly in a totally typical role - not very many women are written as aspiring to be Aurors in fanfic.

This is what happens when you bottle your feelings, Molly. Hopefully she gets better at announcing life-altering events like this over time. I just want her struggles to be relatable. Thanks for the lovely review :)

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Review #11, by luvinpadfoot Take It Easy

2nd September 2014:
You started the story off really strong with their breakup. I loved all the tiny details you mentioned. We all know that guy who'll take you to his favorite crappy coffee shop to break up with you and it set the tone so well for her change and confrontation with her parents. The description with the coffee shop was wonderful and the breakup felt so real. Both of the characters seemed strong from the get go and I liked that he wasn't a bad guy, just kind of an idiot and they grew apart. It happens.

Molly is a really interesting character! I love her narration and how she sees the world from her POV. It makes all the situations a lot more fun to read. She's also ridiculously relatable. Saying the wrong things at the wrong times, tired of constantly working for the job that requires you constantly work even when you get it, bored, annoyed. I love her and I love reading her as a character. Her family dynamics are really interesting too, and I adore the detail with Percy and salt. All your tiny little details make this story come alive so much more than it would without them. They're really just a small addition, but so wonderful.

Heath and Raj's relationship is hilarious. I love Heath's little jokes and the way Raj just seems to roll his eyes at whatever Heath does. Heath isn't the fiancé to uh Molly's friend, is he? (I forgot her name oops.) I just remember the mention that he was a reporter from the States and Heath is a reporter from the States so...at any rate, I'm excited to find out more about him!

He and Molly seem like they make quite the interesting pair too. The teasing and bickering back and forth is quite entertaining to read, and I think they have about as much fun doing it as I do reading it.

Using Stonehenge as a transportation system was a really original idea, and both Molly and heath's reactions to it were priceless. I'm really starting to understand the line in the summary now. Molly is a lot like her father, for all that she wants something more than the boring life.

Poor Heath for getting his arm broken. He's so lucky he's got Molly ferrying him around. No wonder the Prophet requested an Auror for him. He's lovely as a person and so funny, but he might not make it home alive travelling all around Europe without Molly's assistance. And boy is she one for plans!

I don't really have any critiques, though I'd love to be of some help. This story is just really good and I've loved the first few chapters! You're a wonderfully talented writer and this is fantastically hilarious and so well written. Very glad I had the chance to read this! :)


I'm glad that you liked the breakup scene! I write so many stories where people get together, but I've never written people moving away from each other, so that was a lot of fun. And I really didn't want to make her ex-boyfriend a horrible person but like you said - a bit of an idiot.

My favourite thing about Heath and Raj's relationship is that Heath thinks that he's so cool, but Raj knows that Heath really isn't, but agrees to like him despite that. And IS Heath the mysterious fiance? WHO KNOWS?!?!?!?! I do know, but I'm not telling :P

Molly is another person who doesn't think Heath is as cool as he seems to think he is. Heath seems to get that a lot, the poor thing. But they're a lot of fun to write together.

Yeah, Molly is a lot like her father in that sense. I wanted to write a character who realises change is necessary but still resists it. She takes a while to get where she wants to go, simply because she doesn't like the way she's getting there. Did that make sense? Who knows?

I hope that by the end of this, Heath realises that he'd basically be dead without Molly with him. You're right - he has zero chance of making it alive without her!

Thank you so much for this lovely review! It means a lot to me :)

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Review #12, by Roisin King of Anything

22nd August 2014:
Hello! Ah, so I planned to review swap with you exactly a MILLION years ago, and then promptly lost the tab of this story and couldn't find it again (I spent an absurdly long time looking through Molly II stories trying). Anyway, discussion of roti helped me find it again, so here I finally am!

ANYway, on to the story:

You did something really unique here, namely, I see a lot of stories where the basic gist is "X person (usually Rose) is tired of being a good girl, and goes reckless!"--but here, you actually really spent a lot of time fleshing out how Boring being perfect can be.

And it's admirable how you really reveled in Boringness, and found ways to write about it interestingly. Like sugar sinking to the bottom of bad coffee, or a potions instructor brought to tears on an essay about Dragon's blood (which I lol'd at). The little details here shine (Percy and salt), and manage to convey a lot about your character. Noticing all these small things kind of suggests that she's at a lack for more interesting things to notice.

Molly is definitely a very real character, and rather different from a lot of characters on this site. I love that you managed a light story, that's genuinely funny and a good read, but isn't *silly*--which is rather a feat!

Anyway, I definitely want to read more, and I apologize PROFUSELY for being so late on reviewing this!


Author's Response: Haha! No problemo! I'm a terrible person for dropping the ball on things as well, so I completely understand. And well done for going through all those stories!

I thought about writing this from Rose's point of view, but you're right - it happens a lot. And I felt that Rose would have been coming from a different place than Molly. Also, reckless and Molly don't quite fit. Her "rebellion" for lack of a better word, is much quieter and more internal than something I would've written for Rose.

I loved writing all the details of everyday life! It really helped me connect with my own real life that way - one can forget the little things amongst everything else. I'm glad you liked it!

Considering how many silly stories I write, I'm really pleased that you don't find this story silly, but still funny. I do still want to make people smile! Thank you!

Thanks so much for the review swap! I really enjoyed doing it :)

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Review #13, by magnolia_magic King of Anything

22nd August 2014:
Hi! Maggie here with your requested review! Thank you so much for your patience with me. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long, but I'm really glad I got to read your chapter!

Wow, what an iconic quote to start with. I think it was a gutsy move having it as your first line, and you used it really well. Having it come from Molly's inner voice instead of a line of dialogue was a nice effect. It didn't feel forced or gimmicky at all, which can easily happen when a character actually speaks the challenge quote. Great technique there :)

I can totally identify with Molly's struggle to find what she truly wants out of life. Her tone is feisty and sharp without being to over-the-top. And she's very perceptive, too, which is so much fun. I LOVED the dinner scene with her parents, with Molly focusing so much on the minute details of her food. Her commentary is so dry and funny there; overall, her narrative voice is just a pleasure to read. I do wish I'd seen her interact with the (ex)boyfriend, though. That was the one thing I felt was missing; you show us a lot of Molly's thoughts during the breakup, but I wanted to see how she handled it in the moment. What did she say to him? Was she calmly accepting, or was there some snark involved?

I really really liked your portrayal of Percy and Audrey. They are a little high-strung and they expect a lot, but it's clear that they love their daughter. That's the most important thing :)

Great job with this opening! I would love to see you pick this story back up, because based on this chapter I think it will be a very enjoyable read. Your style is great; subtly funny and engaging :)

Author's Response: I'm finally here to respond to your review, so really, I should be thanking you for your patience!

That's what you get for entering love quote challenges - you can end up with really awesome quotes, but also really popular quotes which mean so much to people and you're just like... how do I even begin to do this justice? I'm so pleased that you felt it worked.

I'm so glad Molly's struggle is so readily identifiable. She's this quiet person on the outside, but on the inside, she's like this rolling mass of feelings and the only way she knows to deal with that is through sarcasm. She's just tired of what her life has become. Thanks for letting me know about her ex-boyfriend! I didn't have any interaction with him because he's become so unimportant in her life now, but yeah, I can see how it would have been cool for her to interact with him. I'll keep it in mind for the future!

Percy and Audrey are a lot of fun to write. Their own love story is pretty crazy, too!

Thanks for the lovely review :) I'm so sorry about the late reply!

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Review #14, by TidalDragon Take It Easy

16th August 2014:
Alrighty! Here at the end of what you've got so far.

Here I think description was your strongest suit. While the detail was done well also in the last chapter with Stonehenge, I got a bit lost from the big picture perspective about their movements there. Here it was much more straightforward and the detailed descriptions shone again along with the bigger picture of the area where they landed.

As far as characterization went, I thought Molly's skills and assessment came to the fore well here and you did a good job contrasting her with Heath more clearly in terms of how they approached the situation of finding themselves in an unknown location - especially in their conversation toward the end.

The dialogue for me didn't do too much but get us through the scene, but it did allow you to give us glimpses of the characters' reactions to one another. I think the dynamic is becoming more open and friendly a little rapidly for me, primarily because we've seen nothing from Molly's POV about why she'd thaw. Perhaps that's coming and if it is it will probably prove fine in the end, but if it's staked on the fact she's ready for a shake-up, it's not coming across as enough to me because while she was interested in a shake-up, she's not particularly happy to be on this assignment (based on earlier chapters) and certainly not happy about the Stonehenge portkey decision, so I'm wondering where the smiling behind the cup for example is stemming from.

All in all you write very well, I think there's just some food for thought in a few minor areas that would stand you in good stead to consider. I hope you found the reviews helpful! If you have any questions, feel free to PM.

Author's Response: I'm glad that the description stood out - I spent an inordinate amount of time on it, so it's always nice when people notice and appreciate that :) Practise makes perfect!

The dialogue really took a backseat in this chapter. I sort of wrote this chapter backwards in that sense; usually I rely heavily on dialogue for most things for which I used description here. It was nice, for a change. I agree that they're relationship is moving too fast - I wrote these chapters incredibly quickly and that rushing sort of shows in this aspect very obviously. I have a few ideas about how I can explain that, and maybe how I can tone it down as well without having to alter these existing chapters too much.

Thank you so much for these lovely reviews! As always, you've given me plenty to think about (so pleased about that ) :)

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Review #15, by TidalDragon Uncharted

16th August 2014:
This chapter seemed to be primarily an early introduction to the opening dynamic between Molly and Heath, so I'll focus mostly there.

I think by and large you did well with it. Heath seems to carry on in the role of the slightly cocky, yet tolerably affable American with a side of screw-up in him and I think it's quite appropriate that Molly starts off quite unimpressed by him. It was clear from the previous chapter that Heath was at least somewhat struck by Molly's appearance, given the detailed description he provided of it and it was interesting the way that you had Molly provide a similar, yet not nearly so superlative description in the opposite direction here. For someone breaking from the expected for her, Molly definitely still seems affected by some "judgment genes" her father may have passed on to her with the way she scrutinizes Heath's attire and behavior. It's appropriately more clinical from her end though.

As far as individual characterization though, two things have bothered me here. One is how remarkably recovered Heath seems after the dissolution of his engagement. For most people that's going to be a monumental event that would not be as easy to just put behind them, and that's how Heath comes off so far to me. Molly's reaction to the end of her serious relationship was more well-developed and clearly things had deteriorated over time so it makes sense to me on her side of things, but Heath...well, perhaps we'll find out later about him.

Number two is the Stonehenge Guy. I suppose he's comically some people's cup of tea, so I don't begrudge you that. Just being open and telling you he's not mine and we'll leave that there.

Be careful as well overcomplicating sentences that don't need to be. It wasn't a big issue here, but there have been some examples throughout and one that jumped out in this chapter was "Henry Zhang and she avoided each other’s company after that." It reads a bit awkward to me despite being grammatically correct and I think it would be more natural to simply replace everything before avoided with "They" - just a thought.

See you for the final (so far) chapter.

Author's Response: I'm still not quite sure how much of their nationalities should play into their characterisations. Obviously, they're quite large parts of who they are, and whenever travel comes up, it seems to matter the most, but we'll see. I'm hoping to slowly distance myself away from using "British" and "American" stereotypes as their relationship develops and they start to see each other as individuals, a little separate from just this one aspect. Molly's scrutiny is part "judgement genes" (so eloquently put - love it!), part "scientist", and part "Auror training". I think once I write more of the way she sees the world, these three parts become a little more distinct.

I go into Heath's engagement a little later. Lazy writing habits made me gloss over it a little at the beginning, but it definitely comes back, and hopefully in a big, messy way.

I completely understand you not liking Stonehenge Guy! Humour is so subjective, and whilst I try to write it in a way that appeals to everyone, I obviously can't achieve that. Some people like some things, some people don't - that's totally cool!

Gah! There are so many sentence structure problems in these chapters! I only noticed them after rereading a few months after writing. I've made notes all over my drafts, to which I've now added this specific example. Thanks for that!

Thank you for reading and reviewing :)

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Review #16, by TidalDragon Counting Stars

16th August 2014:
Hello again!

Here you led with Heath (who I'm assuming is going to become involved with Molly over the course of their little adventure 'round the globe). Again you gave him a distinctive characterization which I thought was positive. As you mention in your A/N, he's obviously also breaking from expectations (though he appears, based on the description that I believe turned out to be about him in Chapter 1, to have had that more in him from the word go than Molly). I definitely don't mind that similarity, but I will admit that the fact that both are recently exiting serious relationships and the time-frame suggested by your title for their relationship to develop, feels a bit...convenient. Perhaps the development, given your strength with characterization and word choice will overshadow that, but only time will tell.

I'm interested to see what I encounter next chapter.

Author's Response: Is it too spoiler-y of me to say that it's a bit obvious and also not obvious (somehow at the same time) where Heath and Molly's relationship ends by the end of this story? I don't know.

Heath and Molly are similar in a lot of ways - like you've mentioned, but also very different - in the ways you've mentioned. As to their relationship status... I have to figure out a way to address this without spoilers, but for the moment, I'm going to leave people to their musings. But you're definitely right - time will tell how people react to these two. Hopefully decent writing makes up for anything too glaringly annoying.

Thanks for reviewing :)

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Review #17, by TidalDragon King of Anything

16th August 2014:
Howdy! Dropping by to fill your review request!

So, for starters I think you've really got an excellent start with Molly's characterization. She's clearly been affected by her upbringing as Percy's daughter, which I think would be impossible to avoid given that the epilogue tends to indicate he remained irritatingly overbearing. But you also give her internal thoughts a distinct voice and flair that makes her her own person even before you reveal the reasons behind her break-up.

I also think you did a good job in the story of balancing dialogue, description, and internal thought. This is always crucial (at least in my opinion) and while this chapter was bound to be less dialogue-heavy, you used what dialogue you needed to well to supplement the story's development through your very well-handled descriptions and internal thought sequences. One thing that made this particularly strong (aside from the characterization) is that you varied your word choice well, leaving phrasing simple for more straightforward or blunt moments, but not shying away from stronger, more evocative language when needed (as in Molly's thoughts on why she was okay with the abandonment of the track she'd been on).

The only thing that really leapt out as a negative to me was this sentence "She was certain that she was going high places in the Ministry, having followed a similar path to the one her father Percy Weasley, who was now at those fabled high places." I read it over several times and I think there's something missing in the clause between the commas because it reads broken to me.

All in all though a very strong start. Looking forward to the next chapter!

Author's Response: Heya! Lovely to hear from you :)

I'm glad you like Molly's characterisation. I think she out of all my characters is closest to my heart, and that makes things a little more... complicated when it comes to critique, but it's still oh so important! But still - super pleased you like her.

So happy to hear that everything was in balance! I'm trying so hard to improve upon my description, but I feel as if it still falls to the wayside from time to time. And I can get a bit prosy from time to time, so you a) noticing the word choice, and b) finding it to be appropriate are all good signs!

That entire section has really odd sentence structures. Thank you for pointing that out - I've made a note in my drafts so that when the time comes to edit, I can give it my full attention. Thanks for the lovely review :)

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Review #18, by Ribbons King of Anything

14th August 2014:
So, it's my favorite time again: reviewing! You're actually one of my favorite authors already, and then I accidentally found this story on the forums, thought it looked good and later realized it was yours!

So far so good my friend, because this little baby is going to SAIL! I suppose now is the time to jump into some constructive criticism, or my favorite parts...etc... but no. Not quite yet. First, I'd like to take a moment to tell you that wow. You're writing really awesome fan fiction, are the favorite author of some pretty cool people, and also (probably) have a life.


NOW we can get into the serious stuff.

You wrote this chapter with just the right amount of quirky, surprising, classic and fresh, and you corralled me from the very beginning. I really like Molly because she seems down-to-earth, believable, ridiculous but still relatable (HPFF says NO to that word). That's good characterization, that is.

Now, let's start from the beginning beginning. I liked it. Start the story with a breakup? Almost as ingenious as that one person that decided white trucks were a good idea. I'm kidding, it really was great, and fresh and welcoming (surprisingly...). Beginning solidity? Check.

Now, onto the middle. I'm afraid that there was something...confusing about the middle. Not enough to be damaging to the story (oh GOD no), but enough that at one point I was like...what...? It was that whole Agatha Painsley-Bumbershuffle part.

I agree with you that's it's needed to show what life would be like for Molly if she didn't take the reins, but I think you need to smooth and streamline that section so that we get a very clean, definitive feeling from that part. What should this feeling be? Something like this: Agatha! That poor, idiotic soul! How could she throw away her life to that kind of self-centered, posh, high and mighty kind of lousy living? Thank goodness Molly is doing what she's doing NOW instead of when it might already be too late!

I was just kind of confused at that part, and if it's confusing...that's not good.

I'm going to read the rest of the story and undoubtedly enjoy it, so beware! I may be sending more reviews your way :)

Author's Response: Goodness me! *blushes* *dies of all the flattery* OMG! Thank you so much for all your lovely words! I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. Seriously - this review has made my day :)

Ah! Thank you so much! I'm very pleased that you enjoy my writing since I don't do it with any sort of regularity, even though that's what I really want to do. Alas, as you have surmised, my real life gets in the way all too often :(

I am SO HAPPY that everyone who has read this story so far (and reviewed, because how else am I supposed to know this?) seems to like Molly. I love writing her, and I'm just so incredibly excited that people love to read about her.

I liked opening this story with an "ending". I've written like one breakup before, and that didn't have any sort of finality to it, so I really enjoyed writing a relationship ending for good. When one door closes, another opens, and all that!

I feel as if that scene with Agatha is a bit confusing too. For me, it's mostly because the tenses read a bit weird and my sentence structure is... crazy. I've made a note about that section for when I go back and edit this chapter. Thanks for pointing it out!

Thank you so much for reading and review - and as always, totally looking forward to your lovely reviews :)

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Review #19, by mymischiefmanaged Take It Easy

14th August 2014:
Ah I'm kind of disappointed that this is your last uploaded chapter, but here goes...

Absolutely love your description of silence as deafening and Heath's experience of it, as well as Molly being an anchor. It's really beautiful and shows Heath's more mature side again.

It's sweet that Heath's already somewhat attached to Molly and is relying on her. I like how even though this is his trip and she's just being dragged along he really needs her. It's good to see the more caring side of Molly, although I expect she gets a little bit of satisfaction from Heath hurting himself and needing her to fix it up after his arrogance in previous chapters.

I love Heath being irritated that Molly isn't hurt at all. It's great seeing how her auror skills help her, and he won't be able to underestimate her (not that he was doing that, but you could imagine that he might want to). I'm still a bit confused by why he's been allocated an auror to come with him, but he's obviously realised that it's a big help.

Love love love this line 'He'd been goaded by an old pile of rock into doing one of the stupidest things imaginable'. If you rewrite the chapter please don't get rid of it.

I'm really interested in what more there is to Molly saying she spent lots of time at her Aunt's when she was younger. That seems like a bit of foreshadowing and an interesting part of Molly's past.

Heath's list of French words he knows all being food is a lovely touch. I can completely imagine him thinking, 'yes, I know a little french, croissant, baguette...'.

It's a clever idea that you need a different licence to apparate out of Britain, but I also don't think it seems that believable that they wouldn't have sorted this licence out before starting their travels, given that they knew they were going to be going away for a long time. It might be worth thinking of a different reason for why they need to travel the muggle way? Or maybe their apparition permits haven't come through yet because they weren't planning to leave the country so soon (they only did it because of Heath's rash choice). It's not a big problem but it seems like a slightly implausible plot device and that can interrupt the flow of the story.

I love this clash between Molly and Heath's personalities, with her planning everything to the last detail and his going with the flow. I love even more how impressed he is by her planning, even though it's not what he'd do. Their relationship's written really well so far, although I think their descriptions of each other should maybe be a bit less familiar? They have only just met, really, so I'm surprised they're quite so comfortable with each other already.

Overall, really great chapter and really great story. I'm sad to have reached the end of your uploaded chapters. I'm surprised you feel the need to rewrite this, but if you do I'd say to focus on changing some of the details and content rather than changing the tone of your writing. I know you said it's not the same writing style as your other stories but it's really enjoyable to read and it would be a shame to lose it in a rewrite.

Let me know if you have any questions or ever want to swap again, I've really enjoyed reading this.

Emma x

Author's Response: I, too, am very sad about this being my last uploaded chapter. I actually had the beginning of the next chapter written before this story fell by the wayside. I'm glad that I have that, so there's a solid base from which I can start writing again.

Heath has these great moments - it's what the biggest appeal of writing his character, actually. I'm so very happy that you're liking his moments of maturity and depth as much as I enjoy writing them!

I channel a lot of Molly I when I write Molly's more "caring" side. She comes from a big family where the norm is that everyone looks out for everyone else, and Molly is definitely used to being one of those people who does far more looking out than being looked out for (did that sentence even make sense? Who knows?).

When Heath finds out why he needed an Auror to come along with him... well, we're going to see a whole different side of Heath that day (so excited for that moment, tbh). And hahaha - I'm very happy that you like that line. It's one of my favourite lines from the chapter, too.

Mentioning why Molly spent a lot of time at her aunt's place... it's a small thing about her, but Heath will have a blast when he finds out!

I have a more plausible reason why they're travelling the muggle way - I just didn't get to expand on it much in this chapter. I've made a note to remind myself to include it later on somewhere, especially if you feel that it interrupts the flow of the story (somewhat)!

You're right about how quickly their relationship has accelerated. I think I'll have to mention something about why that might be in the next chapter. Thanks for giving me so many things to think about - there's nothing better than that to get the creative juices flowing again!

Thank you so much for the lovely reviews! I'll make getting my side of the reviews done a priority!

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Review #20, by mymischiefmanaged Uncharted

14th August 2014:
And on to chapter three...

Fab opening line. You've managed to fit Molly's sarcastic attitude in straight away as well as giving us some insight into her surroundings and how they're contributing to her mood. I like it.

Molly's hating other people's lateness shows some of her Father in her, that wanting to stick to the rules and being frustrated when other people don't. I think that's really good. I'm glad you've not made her too similar to Percy (in a large part because I'm not sure I'd want to read a whole book about Percy...) but it's good to see how she's related to him.

"Molly valiantly suppressed an unexpected laugh" says a lot about the way her and Heath are going to be together. She's really decided not to like him and it'll be interesting to see how he goes about breaking that down.

Is there going to be a silver dragon? Is Heath going to be the dude with the silver dragon? Because I'd quite like that...It's sweet to see that Heath doesn't laugh at socks and sandals (love how she calls him that rather than learning his name) reading Molly's aura. It shows a more mature side of him that we've not seen much so far.

Ooo I really really like Heath calling him 'beard and sandals'. They have so much more in common than they realise.

The stonehenge having a portkey type aspect is a really good idea and I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes them.

Okay, in terms of edits you could make for this chapter I really can't think of much it needs. A bit more setting description of Heath's flat through Molly's eyes might be interesting as a way to show more about who he is. I think some of the dialogue could have a quicker pace as well. I'd like to see some quick retorts between Molly and Heath, maybe a commentary on what the tour guide is saying and their reactions to it? I think if you had a bit more of Molly being irritated by Heath then his moments of being sweet and asking how she is would stand out more.

Hope this is helpful!

Emma x

Author's Response: I really adore writing Molly, and I think that shows. Out of the four chapters I've posted so far for this story, the ones from Molly's point of view have definitely received more excitement. It makes me a little sad for Heath though, but I think, given time, people will warm up to him as well - hopefully.

Molly is a lot like her father in certain aspects. Despite her frustrations from the first chapter, she loves her parents, and the influence that Percy has had on her life is huge. She's just reached that point in her life where she's wondering what that means in terms of who she really is and what she really wants. Does she want to be defined as her father's daughter? Does she want this life that others expect her to have? Those are really interesting questions to explore in her character for me.

Molly and Heath's relationship is one of my favourite aspects of this story. They're so much fun to write together, especially when I get to write them from both sides.

WHO KNOWS THESE THINGS ABOUT THE SILVER DRAGON? Actually, I do but NO SPOILERS. And Heath was weirdly mature in that scene - for reasons that shall be revealed later, of course ;)

I skimmed over a lot of things in this chapter, including all of those things that you have mentioned. Thank you so much for all your wonderful feedback! I really appreciate it :)

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Review #21, by mymischiefmanaged Counting Stars

14th August 2014:
Hello! Back again for more review swapping (and also because I can't keep away from your wonderful story).

I often don't like it that much when stories switch POVs, but this one works. You've made Heath really likeable and it was good to see this through his eyes rather than Molly's. (Something tells me Molly wouldn't have given us an honest representation of who he is...)

This: 'Why had there been a Santa at the pub in July? And why on earth had he called it Dumbledore?' made me laugh. It's like what you did in the last chapter with introducing minor characters, where you show a huge part of somebody's personality in a single sentence, and I really like that. Likewise 'With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later'. I hope you write more drunk scenes later on, you get them perfectly.

The fact you've not mentioned the name of his ex-fiancee makes me think she's going to be someone interesting? I'm definitely keen to hear more about her.

Ooo I absolutely love that you've made little Dennis Creevey grow up to be a scary man with a rumbling voice. It's like what you did with Percy and his elopement, accepting that people change, and Dennis definitely had some experiences that would change him. It's good to see him with the aurors.

I like that Heath relies on his 'winning smile' to get him places, and like even more that Molly's having none of it. I can see that they're going to have a really interesting dynamic.

I'm guessing there's some danger on the trip that hasn't been mentioned yet? It seems strange for the aurors to get involved with journalism, wouldn't have thought it was really their job description. If you're still planning to come back and rewrite this story that might be something to expand on, just to make it clear why the aurors are willing to give up time and workers for some travel article? I don't know whether you go into more detail later anyway, but it seems to stick out as something that doesn't quite make sense right now.

I really enjoyed this chapter. I think I prefer Molly's POV to Heath's but it was good to hear from him too. The only other thing I'd say is that depending on Raj's role later on in the story it might be nice to see a bit more of who he is? Is her exasperated with Heath or just laughing at him? Did he despise his best friend's fiance or was the break up a shock to him? Little details to expand on your minor characters were really strong in the last chapter and it would be great to see some similar touches with Raj.

I'm still really loving this story and will move straight on to the next chapter.

Lots of love,

Emma x

Author's Response: Hey, hey, hey! I'm so sorry for the late reply - and the complete lack of review swapping actually being done on my part :( I haven't forgotten and I'll be sure to get right onto it as soon as I get the time :)

If you read one of my other stories, the points of view change like people change underwear - except it's actually a lot more often and with a lot less predictability. I've really tried to strike a balance with this story between the two points of view though - trying to grow as an author and all that :P I'm very pleased that you like it!

I have at least one drunk scene planned for later on. I've never really written one properly before, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'm so glad that you like the humour and you find it useful to the story, rather than it just being there for the sake of being there.

And oh, Heath's fiancee... how I love Heath's fiancee... but more on that later ;P

I was really pleased with the way Dennis Creevey turned out. He's someone completely different to the way he is in canon, and I don't usually do that with canon characters but for Dennis, it seemed to fit. Also, there need to be more characters who physically look like Hagrid - the lean Quidditch physique is too popular.

Heath and Molly are great separate. Heath and Molly together are sheer awesomeness to write. Synergy is a wonderful thing for these two.

The real danger on this trip is Heath - he's crazy, as shall be revealed later. But yes, that's definitely a huge plot hole that I must endeavour to fill. Thank you for pointing that out.

Raj... I have plans for Raj. Big, grand plans. You shall be seeing more of Raj in some shape or form, for sure.

Thanks for the lovely review :)

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Review #22, by Midnight spark King of Anything

14th August 2014:
Hey, Midnight from the forums here!
Beautiful starting, I have to say! I was really tired after training today and I knew I had to sit down and review your story, so I did. When I started it, I felt really alert, as I grew more interested in it. It was a great chapter, I got to see ANOTHER different portray of Audrey (I always enjoy that) and Percy's plain old boring self. Molly is great. I have a feeling she and I are going to meet more often.

The plot is going superb, I love the way you started, It has great potential!


Author's Response: Heya!

Thank you so much! I'm so happy that it made your day better. And yes - I love reading different versions of Audrey too! And I hope everyone comes to love Molly as much as I do!

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

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Review #23, by Phoenix_Flames King of Anything

14th August 2014:
Hi there! I'm here with you review as requested!

And let me just say right now, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you did! I was in love with this story immediately. Seriously. In love. I could tell from the beginning that you are a really, really talented writer.

I loved being in Molly's head from the beginning and going through the events at the cafe with her. You wrote the events and her thought so perfectly. It was the perfect balance of dialogue, events, and thoughts, but I liked that it was mainly Molly's thoughts because it established her character and personality immediately. I think that's so important, and not only is that important, but creating a unique character is even more important! And I really think you did that here. Molly sounds like myself even and she's relatable! She's not some Mary-Sue. Honestly, you did a perfect job with her.

You had the perfect little inclusions of humor too, like when Molly realizes picking today wasn't the best day to change her life and so on. Then the meal with her family was just the icing on the cake to follow up the previous scene. I love that she freaked out. Honestly loved it. Once again, it just establishes the brilliant character you've created even further.

You really have a great start here, and you have written it awesomely. I'm sorry this review is gushing more than anything, but I really don't know what CC I have to offer! I just honestly loved it all and I don't know what I could say to make it any better!! Seriously. Brilliant job. I haven't read a story of this quality on the archive in quite a long time.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more use, but I hope you still found this useful in some way! Thank you so much for requesting and introducing me to your great story. I honestly can't wait to see where this goes. Please feel free to come back and request the next chapter whenever you like!

Author's Response: Hello!

Aww! Thank you so much! You're making me blush ^.^

I loved writing Molly. She's just such a fantastic character, and I identify with her so much, so it's wonderful that other people are connecting with her as much as I am.

I'm glad you like her humour! She definitely has one but it's quite subtle and very self-deprecating. And I loved giving Molly a breakdown! She's usually very put-together (as you'll see in the later chapters) but I wanted to set up right at the beginning that she doesn't have it as all together as she'd like.

Thanks once again for this wonderful review! I'll be sure to rerequest soon!

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Review #24, by apondinabluebox King of Anything

12th August 2014:
Hiya! Stopping by at last for my side of the review swap (so sorry for the delay!) and I have to say, I really enjoy your portrayal of Molly!

You start off really well with her snooty boyfriend (Hi there, Percy Junior!) and his terribly boring break-up speech. I like how you used the speech as the kickstart motivation for Molly to change her life, and as a way to introduce her internal monologue and as a way to introduce the characters and the setting. I really enjoyed how you sneaked in little facts about characters who aren't yet present, like Lily's adoration of books (or at least, the bestseller list) and Lucy's manipulative nature. Your descriptions of the café and the horrendous coffee were really fun and helped to make the setting feel more real!

AGATHA PAINSLEY-BUMBERSHUFFLE!!! Excuse me while I roll around on the floor in laughter... Ahem. Back now. She's a very fun character, and despite the tongue-in-cheek name you chose for her, I think a lot of people have their own Agatha in their lives, so incorporating her was a good idea. I get the feeling that the break-up, Agatha, Lily's quote, any of those things on their own wouldn't have sparked her desire for something better. But to have all those things pile up and happen at the same time, I think that's really put things into perspective for her.

THE DINNER!!! I'm resisting the urge to write this entire review in shouty capslock because your portrayal of her parents was so fun! Percy and Audrey remind me a lot of Arthur and Molly in a way -- Percy's like a refined Arthur, very restrained but still adoring of his kids and happy to let them have their way, while Audrey is this super dramatic person, kind of how I'd imagine Molly the first to be if she'd had too much coffee ;)

This seems like a really fun opening chapter, and I'd be happy to swap with you again if you'd like to! (Or I might possibly find my way back here...) You've developed your characters well, particularly Molly -- you've had her try, and then quickly lose heart and seek metaphors in food. She's got an uphill struggle, it seems, and it's going to be interesting to see what the next step she takes will be!

Author's Response: Not a problem about the delay - I went to sleep so this was a lovely way to wake up :)

Haha! Percy junior for sure! It must suck to realise that you're dating someone who is very much like your father was at that age - it probably was a factor for Molly. I love writing Molly so much. She's just so fed up with her life at this point, and I feel as if that's something that people can relate to from time to time. I'm really pleased that you liked the descriptions! I suck at them, but I try to improve, so this means a lot!

AGATHA'S NAME IS MY FAVOURITE. Everyone has an Agatha in their lives, don't they? They're this "perfect" person that you simultaneously hate, want to be, and then don't want to be. You're right in saying that not one of those events would've caused Molly to decide to take action, but I guess that's how life works sometimes: everything happens all at once and you have no choice but to make a change.

The dinner scene is one of my favourite scenes that I've ever written. Percy and Audrey were great. They are inspired a bit by Molly and Arthur - definitely Percy's cluelessness is! And haha! That's such a great description of Audrey! Love it ;)

I would love to continue to swap for the rest of the chapters! There's heaps of things I haven't read on your page so I'll just go crazy! And Molly definitely has a long way to go!

Thanks for the lovely swap :)

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Review #25, by mymischiefmanaged King of Anything

12th August 2014:
Hiya, it's Emma here for our review swap.

Okay, I really enjoyed this. First off, I love the title. It's got just the right amount of humour in it to match your writing style so that's great. I think there's a typo in your summary though. You have 'an unstoppable force meets AND immovable object' where I think it's meant to be 'AN immovable object'? Not a big problem at all but I thought it was worth noting.

I really like the way you've characterised Molly. You've made her very real, and her internal commentary on the break up scene is really good. I loved her not wanting to end up like Agatha. When you first started describing Agatha's life I thought it was going to be the other way round, a wake up call to show Molly what she wanted her life to be, but this way is much funnier.

I absolutely adore your Percy and Audrey. I love the idea of them eloping together. It's so out of character for Percy and it's lovely the idea that when he actually falls in love it brings out a different side of him. Their trying (and failing) to be supportive and show Molly they care is very well written and sweet.

There's so much to say that's good about your writing style. I think my favourite thing is the way you characterise people we haven't yet seen, like Lily and Lucy. We can already tell that Lily likes the idea of love, and that Lucy has a manipulative side, and that sets you up really well to give them interesting contributions to the story so I'm looking forward to meeting them.

Basically I think this is brilliant. I don't really have much to say in terms of constructive criticism. The only thing I might say is that your structuring of the break up scene around 'we accept the love we think we deserve' doesn't quite make sense to me. It's effective to read but I didn't get the impression Molly was accepting the love she thought she deserved. I thought she'd just had enough. It's just a minor thing, but it might be good for the opening sentence to more closely link in with the action.

I'm definitely keen to read more of this story and will add it to my reading list. If you want we could review swap for the other chapters too?

Thanks for the swap anyway. Great writing,

Emma x

Author's Response: Hey, hey, hey!

Of all the titles of my stories, I think this one is my favourite :P And thank you for pointing that out! Typos are terrible - they're the worst in summaries!

Molly is a character who is very close to my heart, so I'm glad that you like her. I'm pleased that she's so relateable. And she DEFINITELY doesn't want to end up like Agatha, even though Agatha has her life sorted.

Percy and Audrey were a lot of fun to write! I couldn't help but give Percy an elopement. It's so out of character that it couldn't be helped! There's a story and a half in there. And sometimes parents just don't get it, but they try and help anyway!

So flattered that you like the writing style. It's a little different from my other stories, so it's always a pleasant change to write. Percy has his Slytherin moments so I wanted to make Lucy a sort of more ruthless character in that way - like what if Percy had been in Slytherin.

Structuring the break-up scene around that quote... I understand where you're coming from. Molly definitely isn't accepting the love she thinks she deserves - the entire point is that she's sick of it and doesn't really want anything to do with it. I think what I was trying to drive at was that she was finally deciding to put herself and her needs before what others wanted - kind of like learning to love herself or something. I'll look into structuring that a bit better... Hmm. Much to think about!

I'd love to continue review swapping! I shall get to the rest of your chapters in the next day or so :)

Thanks for the swap! Lots of fun :D

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